1. Well, Mrs Miggins,
at last we can return to sanity.Copy !req
2. The hustings are over,
the bunting is down,Copy !req
3. the mad hysteria is at an end.Copy !req
4. After the chaos of a general election,
we can return to normal.Copy !req
5. Oh! Has there been a general
election then, Mr Blackadder?Copy !req
6. Indeed there has, Mrs Miggins.Copy !req
7. Hmm. Well, I never heard about it.Copy !req
8. Of course you didn't.
You're not eligible to vote.Copy !req
9. Why not?Copy !req
10. Because virtually no one is...
Women, peasants,Copy !req
11. chimpanzees, lunatics, lords...Copy !req
12. That's not true,
Lord Nelson's got a vote.Copy !req
13. He's got a boat, Baldrick.Copy !req
14. Marvellous thing, democracy.
Look at Manchester...Copy !req
15. Population, 60,000,
electoral roll, three.Copy !req
16. Well, I may have a brain the size
of a sultana.Copy !req
17. Correct.Copy !req
18. But it hardly seems fair to me.Copy !req
19. Of course it's not fair
and a damn good thing, too.Copy !req
20. Give the like of Baldrick the voteCopy !req
21. and we'll be back to cavorting druids,Copy !req
22. death by stoning, and dung for dinner.Copy !req
23. Oh, I'm having dung for dinner tonight.Copy !req
24. So, who are they electing
when they have these elections?Copy !req
25. Oh, the same old shower.Copy !req
26. Fat Tory landowners who get made MPsCopy !req
27. when they reach a certain weight,Copy !req
28. raving revolutionaries
who think that just becauseCopy !req
29. they do a day's work that somehow
gives them the right to get paid.Copy !req
30. Basically, it's a right old mess.Copy !req
31. Toffs at the top, plebs at the bottom,Copy !req
32. and me in the middle making a fat pile
of cash out of both of them.Copy !req
33. Oh, you'd better watch out,
Mr Blackadder.Copy !req
34. Things are bound to change.Copy !req
35. Not while Pitt
the Elder's Prime Minister, they aren't.Copy !req
36. He's about as effective as a catflap
in an elephant house.Copy !req
37. As long as his feet are warmCopy !req
38. and he gets a nice cup of milky tea
in the sun before his morning nap,Copy !req
39. he doesn't bother anyone
until his potty needs emptying.Copy !req
40. Honourable members
of the House of Commons,Copy !req
41. I call upon the new
Prime Minister of Great BritainCopy !req
42. and her empires, Mr William Pitt,
the Younger.Copy !req
43. Mr Speaker, members of the House,
I shall be brief,Copy !req
44. as I have rather unfortunately becomeCopy !req
45. Prime Minister right in the middle
of my exams.Copy !req
46. I look forward to fulfilling my duty in
a manner of which Nanny would be proud.Copy !req
47. I shall introduce legislationCopy !req
48. to utterly destroy three enemies
of the State.Copy !req
49. The first is that evil dictator,
Napoleon Bonaparte.Copy !req
50. Here, here!Copy !req
51. The second is my old geography master,
banana-breath Scrigshanks.Copy !req
52. But most of all, sirs,
I intend to pursueCopy !req
53. that utter slob, the Prince of Wales.Copy !req
54. Here, here!Copy !req
55. Why, this year alone, he has spent
£15,000 on banqueting...Copy !req
56. Boo! Boo! Boo!Copy !req
57. Twenty thousand pounds on perfume...Copy !req
58. Boo!Copy !req
59. And, most astonishingly of all,
an astonishing £59,000 on socks!Copy !req
60. Shame, shame.Copy !req
61. Therefore, my three main
policy priorities are...Copy !req
62. One, war with France.Copy !req
63. Yeah!Copy !req
64. Two, tougher sentences
for geography teachers.Copy !req
65. And three, a right royal
kick up the Prince's backside!Copy !req
66. Hurray!Copy !req
67. I now put upon the leader
of the OppositionCopy !req
68. to test me on my Latin vocab.Copy !req
69. Sir, if I may make so bold,Copy !req
70. a major crisis has arisen
in your affairs.Copy !req
71. Yes, I know, Blackadder,
I've been pondering it all morning.Copy !req
72. You have, sir?Copy !req
73. Yes... Socks! Run out again!Copy !req
74. Why is it that no matter how many
millions of pairs of socks I buy,Copy !req
75. I never seem to have any?Copy !req
76. Sir, with your forgiveness,
there is another even weightier problem.Copy !req
77. They just disappear!Copy !req
78. Honestly. You'd think someone
was coming in here,Copy !req
79. stealing the damn things
and then selling them off.Copy !req
80. Impossible, sir.Copy !req
81. Only you and I
have access to your socks.Copy !req
82. Yes, yes, you're right. Still...Copy !req
83. For me, socks are like sex.Copy !req
84. Tons of it about,
but I never seem to get any.Copy !req
85. Sir, if I may return
to this very urgent matter.Copy !req
86. I read fearful news
in this morning's paper.Copy !req
87. Oh, no. Not another little cat
caught up in a tree.Copy !req
88. No, sir. There's a vote afoot
in the new ParliamentCopy !req
89. to strike you from the Civil List.Copy !req
90. Oh, yes, yes, yes. But what are we
going to do about my socks!Copy !req
91. Sir, if this bill goes through,
you won't have any socks...Copy !req
92. Well, I haven't any socks at the moment.Copy !req
93. Or trousers, shirts, waistcoats,
or pantaloons.Copy !req
94. They're going to bankrupt you.Copy !req
95. They can't do that...
Why, the public love me!Copy !req
96. Only the other day,
I was out in the streetCopy !req
97. and they sang, "We hail Prince George!"
"We hail Prince George!"Copy !req
98. We hate Prince George.Copy !req
99. We hate Prince George.Copy !req
100. Was it?Copy !req
101. I fear so, sir.
However, all is not lost.Copy !req
102. Fortunately, the numbers in the Commons
are exactly equal.Copy !req
103. If we can get one more MP
to support us, then you're safe.Copy !req
104. Hurrah! Any ideas?Copy !req
105. Well, yes, sir. There is one manCopy !req
106. who might just be
the ace up our sleeve.Copy !req
107. A rather crusty, loud-mouthed ace
named Sir Talbot Buxomly.Copy !req
108. Never heard of him.Copy !req
109. That's hardly surprising, sir.Copy !req
110. Sir Talbot has the worst attendance
record of any member of parliament.Copy !req
111. On the one occasion
he did enter the House of Commons,Copy !req
112. he passed water in the Great Hall,Copy !req
113. and then passed out
in the Speaker's chair.Copy !req
114. But, if we can get him to support us,
then we are safe.Copy !req
115. Well, what's he like?Copy !req
116. Well, according to Who's Who,
his interests includeCopy !req
117. flogging servants,
shooting poor people,Copy !req
118. and the extension of slavery to anyone
who hasn't got a knighthood.Copy !req
119. Excellent! Sensible policies
for a happier Britain!Copy !req
120. However, if we are going
to get him to support us,Copy !req
121. he will need some sort of incentive.Copy !req
122. Hmm. Anything in mind?Copy !req
123. Well, you could appoint him
a High Court judge.Copy !req
124. Is he qualified?Copy !req
125. He's a violent, bigoted,
mindless old fool.Copy !req
126. Sounds a bit overqualified...
Well, get him here at once!Copy !req
127. Certainly, sir.
I will return before you can sayCopy !req
128. "anti-disestablishmentarianism."Copy !req
129. Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that!Copy !req
130. Antidistibblincemin...Copy !req
131. Antimistilinstid...Copy !req
132. Antidistinctly-minty-monetarism...Copy !req
133. Your Highness, Sir Talbot Buxomly, MP.Copy !req
134. Ah, Buxomly! Roaringly splendid
to have you here.Copy !req
135. How are you, sir?Copy !req
136. Heartily well, Your Highness.
I dined hugelyCopy !req
137. off a servant before coming to town.Copy !req
138. Ah! You eat your servants?Copy !req
139. No, sir, I eat off them.Copy !req
140. Why should I spend good money on tables
when I have men standing idle?Copy !req
141. Why, indeed! Now, I dare say
you've heard of Mr Pitt's intentions.Copy !req
142. Young scallywag!Copy !req
143. Ah! So you don't approve of his plans
to abolish me then.Copy !req
144. I do not, sir.Copy !req
145. Damn his eyes!
Damn his britches! Damn his duck pond!Copy !req
146. Oh! Hurrah for that!Copy !req
147. I care not a jot that you are the sonCopy !req
148. - of a certified sauerkraut-sucking loon!
- Thank you, sir.Copy !req
149. It minds not me that you dress like
a mad parrotCopy !req
150. and talk like a plate of beansCopy !req
151. negotiating their way
out of a cow's digestive system.Copy !req
152. It is no skin off my rosy noseCopy !req
153. that there are bits of lemon peel
floating down the ThamesCopy !req
154. that would make better Regents than you.Copy !req
155. Oh, bravo!Copy !req
156. - The fact is, you are Regent...
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
157. - Yes, I am.
- Appointed by God,Copy !req
158. and I shall stick by you forever,
though infirmity lay me wasteCopy !req
159. and ill health curse
my every waking moment.Copy !req
160. Well, good on you, sir.
And don't talk to me about infirmity.Copy !req
161. Why, sir, you are
the hardy stock that isCopy !req
162. the core of Britain's greatness.Copy !req
163. You have the physique of a demigod.Copy !req
164. Purple of cheek,
and plump of fetlock,Copy !req
165. the shapely ankle
and the well-filled trouserCopy !req
166. that tells of a human body
in perfect working order.Copy !req
167. He's dead, sir.Copy !req
168. Dead?Copy !req
169. Yes, Your Highness.Copy !req
170. Oh! What bad luck,
we were rather getting on.Copy !req
171. We must move at once.Copy !req
172. In which direction?Copy !req
173. Sir Talbot represented the constituency
of Dunny-on-the-Wold,Copy !req
174. and by an extraordinary stroke of luck,
it is a rotten borough.Copy !req
175. Really? Is it?Copy !req
176. Well, lucky, lucky us.Copy !req
177. Lucky, lucky, luck.Copy !req
178. Luck-luck... Lark! Lark!Copy !req
179. Lark! Lark! Lark!
Cluck! Cluck! Cluck! Lark! Lark! Lark!Copy !req
180. You don't know what
a rotten borough is, do you, sir?Copy !req
181. No.Copy !req
182. So what was the chicken impression
in aid of?Copy !req
183. Erm... Well, I just didn't want
to hurt your feelings.Copy !req
184. So, what is a robber button?Copy !req
185. "Rotten borough."Copy !req
186. A rotten borough, sir, is a constituency
where the owner of the landCopy !req
187. corruptly controls both the voters
and the MP.Copy !req
188. Good, yes, and a robber button is?Copy !req
189. Could we leave that for a moment?Copy !req
190. Dunny-on-the-Wold
is a tuppenny-ha'penny place.Copy !req
191. Half an acre of sodden marshlandCopy !req
192. in the Suffolk Fens with
an empty town hall on it.Copy !req
193. Population, three rather mangy cows,
a dachshund named Colin,Copy !req
194. and a small hen in its late forties.Copy !req
195. So, no people at all, then?
Apart from Colin.Copy !req
196. Colin is a dog, sir.Copy !req
197. Yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
198. Only one actual person lives there,
and he is the voter.Copy !req
199. Oh, right. So, what's the plan?Copy !req
200. We must buy
Dunny-on-the-Wold at once,Copy !req
201. and thus control the voter.
I shall need £1,000.Copy !req
202. £1,000? I thought you said it was...Copy !req
203. A "tuppenny-ha'penny" place.Copy !req
204. Well, yes, sir, the land
will cost tuppence ha'penny,Copy !req
205. but there are other
factors to be considered.Copy !req
206. Stamp duty, window tax,Copy !req
207. swamp insurance, hen food,
dog biscuits,Copy !req
208. cow ointment,
the expenses are endless.Copy !req
209. Fine, well the money's in my desk.Copy !req
210. No, sir, it's in my wallet.Copy !req
211. Oh, splendid!
No time to lose, eh?Copy !req
212. - My thoughts precisely, sir.
- Yeah.Copy !req
213. The only question is
who to choose as MP.Copy !req
214. Hmm. Tricky.Copy !req
215. What we need is an utter unknown,Copy !req
216. yet someone over whom
we have complete power.Copy !req
217. A man with no mind,
with no ideas of his own.Copy !req
218. One might almost say,
a man with no brain.Copy !req
219. Now... Any thoughts?Copy !req
220. Yes, Your Highness.Copy !req
221. You rang, My Lord?Copy !req
222. Meet the new Member of Parliament
for Dunny-on-the-Wold.Copy !req
223. But he's an absolute arsehead!Copy !req
224. Precisely, sir.
Our slogan shall be...Copy !req
225. "A rotten candidate
for a rotten borough."Copy !req
226. Baldrick, I want you to go back
to your kitchen sink, you see,Copy !req
227. and prepare for government.Copy !req
228. Right. Now all we have to do
is fill in this MP application form.Copy !req
229. - Name...
- Baldrick.Copy !req
230. First name?Copy !req
231. I'm not sure.Copy !req
232. You must have some idea...Copy !req
233. Well, it might be Sodoff.Copy !req
234. What?Copy !req
235. Well, when I used to play
in the gutter, I used to sayCopy !req
236. to the other snipes,
"Hello, my name's Baldrick",Copy !req
237. and they'd say,
"Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick".Copy !req
238. All right...
Right, right, right. "Mr S Baldrick."Copy !req
239. Now, distinguishing features?
None.Copy !req
240. Well, I've got this growth
in the middle of my face.Copy !req
241. That's your nose, Baldrick.Copy !req
242. Now, any history of insanity
in the family?Copy !req
243. Tell you what, I'll cross out the "in".Copy !req
244. Any history of "sanity" in the family?Copy !req
245. "None whatsoever."Copy !req
246. Now, then, criminal record...Copy !req
247. Absolutely not.Copy !req
248. Oh, come on, Baldrick,Copy !req
249. you're going to be an MP,
for God's sake!Copy !req
250. I'll just put
"fraud and sexual deviancy".Copy !req
251. Now, minimum bribe level...Copy !req
252. One turnip.Copy !req
253. Oh! Hang on, I don't want to
price myself out of the market.Copy !req
254. Baldrick, I've always been
meaning to ask,Copy !req
255. do you have any ambitions in lifeCopy !req
256. apart from the acquisition of turnips?Copy !req
257. Er... No.Copy !req
258. So what would you do
if I gave you £1,000?Copy !req
259. I'd get a little turnip of my own.Copy !req
260. So what would you do
if I gave you a million pounds?Copy !req
261. Oh, that's different.Copy !req
262. I'd get a great big turnip
in the country.Copy !req
263. Oh, God, I'll get that.
Here. Sign here.Copy !req
264. Your Highness, Pitt the Younger.Copy !req
265. Why, hello there, young sabre, m'lad!Copy !req
266. I say, here's fun.Copy !req
267. I've a shiny sixpence
here for the clever fellowCopy !req
268. who can tell me which hand it's in.Copy !req
269. Oh!Copy !req
270. Oh, school, school!
On half hols, is it?Copy !req
271. Yeah, I bet you can't wait to get back
and get that bat in your hand,Copy !req
272. and give those balls
a good walloping, eh?Copy !req
273. Mr Pitt is the Prime Minister, sir.Copy !req
274. Oh, go on! Is he?
What, young snotty here?Copy !req
275. I'd rather have a runny nose
than a runny brain.Copy !req
276. Eh?Copy !req
277. Uh, excuse me, Prime Minister,Copy !req
278. but we do have some
lovely jelly in the pantry.Copy !req
279. I don't know
if you'd be interested at all.Copy !req
280. Don't patronise me,
you lower middle class yobbo!Copy !req
281. What flavour is it?Copy !req
282. - Blackcurrant.
- Ugh!Copy !req
283. I say, Blackadder,
are you sure this is the PM?Copy !req
284. Seems like a bit of an oily tick to me.Copy !req
285. When I was at school,Copy !req
286. we used to line up
four or five of his sort,Copy !req
287. make them bend over,
and use them as a toast-rack.Copy !req
288. It doesn't surprise me, sir.
I know your sort.Copy !req
289. Once, it was I who stood
in the big cold schoolroom,Copy !req
290. a hot crumpet burning
my cheeks with shame.Copy !req
291. Since that day,
I have been busy every hour God sends,Copy !req
292. working to become Prime MinisterCopy !req
293. and fight sloth and privilege
wherever I found it.Copy !req
294. I trust you weren't too busy
to remove the crumpet.Copy !req
295. You will regret this, gentlemen.Copy !req
296. You think you can thwart
my plans to bankrupt the PrinceCopy !req
297. by fixing the Bunny-
on-the-Wold by-election,Copy !req
298. but you will be thrashed!Copy !req
299. I intend to put up my own brother
as a candidate against you.Copy !req
300. Oh! And which Pitt
would this be?Copy !req
301. Pitt the Toddler?Copy !req
302. Pitt the Embryo?Copy !req
303. Pitt the Glint in
the Milkman's Eye?Copy !req
304. Ha!Copy !req
305. Sirs, as I said to Chancellor Metternich
at the Congress of Strasbourg.Copy !req
306. "Pooh to you with knobs on!"
We shall meet, sirs, on the hustings.Copy !req
307. I say, Blackadder, what a ghastly squit!
He's not going to win, is he?Copy !req
308. No, sir, because, firstly,
we shall fight this campaign on issues,Copy !req
309. not personalities.Copy !req
310. Secondly, we shall be
the only fresh thing on the menu.Copy !req
311. And thirdly,
of course, we'll cheat.Copy !req
312. Good evening and welcome
to the Dunny-on-the-Wold by-election.Copy !req
313. The first thing I must tell you is
that the turnout has been very good.Copy !req
314. As a matter of fact,
the voter turned out before breakfast.Copy !req
315. And I can bring you
the result of our exclusive exit pollCopy !req
316. which produced a 100% result for...Copy !req
317. "Mind your own business,
you nosy bastard."Copy !req
318. Mr Hanna, are you going
to talk to any of the candidates?Copy !req
319. I certainly am,
and I can see Prince George,Copy !req
320. who is leader of what has
become known as the Adder Party.Copy !req
321. Prince George,
who is described in his party news sheetCopy !req
322. as a "great moral
and spiritual leader of the nation,"Copy !req
323. but is described by almost
everyone else as a fat, flatulent git.Copy !req
324. Prince George...
Hello.Copy !req
325. - Good evening.
- And good evening, Colin.Copy !req
326. How do you see
your prospects in this campaign?Copy !req
327. Well, first, I'd like a word
about the disgraceful circumstancesCopy !req
328. in which this election arose.Copy !req
329. We paid for this seat,
and I think it's a damn libertyCopy !req
330. that we should
have to stand for it as well.Copy !req
331. And another thing. Why is it that
no matter how many pairs of socksCopy !req
332. a man buys,
he never seems to have enough?Copy !req
333. Fighting words from
the Prince Regent.Copy !req
334. And now let's have a word fromCopy !req
335. the Adder Party candidate,
Mr S Baldrick,Copy !req
336. who so far has not commented...Copy !req
337. So far has not commented upon
his policies in this campaign,Copy !req
338. but with him is
his election agent, Mr E Blackadder.Copy !req
339. Well, we in the Adder Party are going to
fight this campaign on issues,Copy !req
340. - not personalities.
- Why is that?Copy !req
341. Because our candidate
doesn't have a personality.Copy !req
342. He hasn't said much
about the issues, either.Copy !req
343. No, he's got something wrong
with his throat.Copy !req
344. Perhaps he could answer one question.Copy !req
345. What does the "S"
in his name stand for?Copy !req
346. Sodoff.Copy !req
347. Fair enough,
none of my business, really.Copy !req
348. And now it's time,
I think, for a result,Copy !req
349. and tension is
running very high here.Copy !req
350. Mr Blackadder
assures me that this will beCopy !req
351. the first honest vote ever
in a rotten borough.Copy !req
352. And I think we all hope for a resultCopy !req
353. which reflects the real needs
of the constituency.Copy !req
354. And behind me, yes I can
just see the Returning OfficerCopy !req
355. moving to the front of the platform.Copy !req
356. As the Acting Returning Officer
for Dunny-on-the-Wold...Copy !req
357. The Acting Returning Officer,
Mr E Blackadder, of course.Copy !req
358. And we're all very grateful indeed
that he stepped in at the last minute,Copy !req
359. when the previous
Returning Officer accidentlyCopy !req
360. brutally stabbed himself in the stomach
while shaving.Copy !req
361. I now announce
the number of votes cast as follows...Copy !req
362. Brigadier General Horace Bolsom...Copy !req
363. Keep-Royalty-White-Rat-Catching-
And-Safe-Sewage-Residents Party...Copy !req
364. No votes.Copy !req
365. Ivor "Jest ye not madam" Biggun...Copy !req
366. Standing-At-The-Back-Dressed-
Stupidly-And-Looking-Stupid Party...Copy !req
367. No votes.Copy !req
368. - Pitt, the Even Younger...
- Whig...Copy !req
369. - No votes.
- Oh, there's a shock.Copy !req
370. And Mr S Baldrick...Copy !req
371. - Adder Party...
- 16,472.Copy !req
372. And there you have it.
Victory for the Adder Party,Copy !req
373. a sensational swing
against the Whigs.Copy !req
374. I'll just try and get
a final word with some of the candidatesCopy !req
375. as they come up from the stage.Copy !req
376. Master William Pitt the Even Younger,
are you disappointed?Copy !req
377. Yes! I'm horrified!
I smeared my opponent,Copy !req
378. bribed the press
to be on my side,Copy !req
379. and threatened to torture
the electorate if we lost.Copy !req
380. I fail to see what more
a decent politician could have done.Copy !req
381. Quite... Now Ivor Biggun,
no votes at allCopy !req
382. for the Standing-At-The-Back-Dressed
- Stupidly-And-Looking-Stupid Party.Copy !req
383. Are you disappointed?Copy !req
384. No, not really, no...Copy !req
385. I always say,
"If you can't laugh, what can you do?"Copy !req
386. Take up politics, perhaps.
Has your party got any policies?Copy !req
387. Oh, yes, certainly!
We're for the compulsoryCopy !req
388. serving of asparagus at breakfast,Copy !req
389. free corsets for the under-fives,
and the abolition of slavery.Copy !req
390. You see, many moderate people
would respect your stand on asparagus,Copy !req
391. but what about this extremist nonsense
about abolishing slavery?Copy !req
392. Oh, we just put that in for a joke!
See you next year!Copy !req
393. And now, finally, a word with the manCopy !req
394. who is at the center of this
by-election mystery...Copy !req
395. The voter himself.
And his name is Mr E Bla...Copy !req
396. Mr Blackadder, you are the only voter
in this rotten borough.Copy !req
397. Yes, that's right.Copy !req
398. How long have you lived
in this constituency?Copy !req
399. Since Wednesday morning.Copy !req
400. I took over from the previous electorate
when he, very sadly,Copy !req
401. accidently brutally
cut his head off while combing his hair.Copy !req
402. One voter, 16,472 votes...Copy !req
403. A slight anomaly?Copy !req
404. Not really, Mr Hanna.Copy !req
405. You see, Mr Baldrick
may look like a monkeyCopy !req
406. who's been put in a suit
and then strategically shaved,Copy !req
407. but he is a brilliant politician.Copy !req
408. The number of votes I cast
is simply a reflectionCopy !req
409. of how firmly
I believe in his policies.Copy !req
410. Well, that's excellent.
Well, that's all from me...Copy !req
411. Another great day for
democracy in our country,Copy !req
412. Vincent Hanna, Country Gentleman's
Pig Fertiliser Gazette,Copy !req
413. Dunny-on-the-Wold.Copy !req
414. We are reprieved.Copy !req
415. It is a triumph
for stupidity over common sense.Copy !req
416. Thank you very much.Copy !req
417. As a reward, Baldrick,
take a short holiday.Copy !req
418. Did you enjoy it? Right.
Tell you what...Copy !req
419. Will the honorable members
please cast their votes, "aye" or "nay"Copy !req
420. for the striking of
the Prince Regent off the Civil List.Copy !req
421. Excuse me...Copy !req
422. Excuse me...Copy !req
423. Excuse me!Copy !req
424. Hello, little chappie.
Are you a new bug?Copy !req
425. Yeah, I don't know anyone here.Copy !req
426. I support the Prince
and I don't know how to vote.Copy !req
427. Well, we can soon change
all of that, can't we?Copy !req
428. Come along with me.Copy !req
429. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
430. Well, well, well,
if it isn't the Lord Privy Toast-Rack.Copy !req
431. Pull up a muffin,
sit yourself down.Copy !req
432. You don't like me,
do you, Mr Blackadder?Copy !req
433. Well, nobody likes a loser.Copy !req
434. Oh! Then that must be why
nobody likes you.Copy !req
435. - What?
- You lost the vote.Copy !req
436. Your monkey
obligingly voted for us.Copy !req
437. Oh, God, no.Copy !req
438. If you want something
done properly,Copy !req
439. kill Baldrick before you start.Copy !req
440. You're beaten, Oik!
And you and your disgusting masterCopy !req
441. have 24 hours to get out.Copy !req
442. Twenty-four hours is
a long time in politics. Good night.Copy !req
443. There is just
one thing before I go.Copy !req
444. I've got this sort of downy hair
developing on my chest, is that normal?Copy !req
445. Also, I get so lonely and confused.Copy !req
446. I've written a poem about it,
maybe you'll understand.Copy !req
447. "Why do nice girls hate me? Why..."Copy !req
448. Get out, you nauseating adolescent!Copy !req
449. Piss off!Copy !req
450. How could I have been so stupid?Copy !req
451. Goodbye, Millionaire's Row.Copy !req
452. Hello, Room 12 of
the Budley Salterton TwilightCopy !req
453. Rest Home for
the Terminally Short of Cash!Copy !req
454. Oh!Copy !req
455. And to think you once dreamed
you'd end up in the House of Lords.Copy !req
456. - What?
- The House of Lords.Copy !req
457. Of course, I'd forgotten
about the House of Lords!Copy !req
458. The Lords will never
let the bill through.Copy !req
459. Every man-jack of them
will be behind the Prince.Copy !req
460. Oh, hurrah!Copy !req
461. Right, take Baldrick off the spit.Copy !req
462. Hurrah...Copy !req
463. I've got a plan so cunning you could
put a tail on it and call it a weasel.Copy !req
464. Ta-da!Copy !req
465. Oi, tally-ho, Blackadder!Copy !req
466. You look as happy
as a man who thoughtCopy !req
467. a cat had done
its business on his pie,Copy !req
468. but it turned out to be
an extra big blackberry.Copy !req
469. Did our plan go well?Copy !req
470. Excellently, sir.Copy !req
471. Order a thousand pairs
of finest cotton socks.Copy !req
472. Take out the drawings
for that beach hut at Brighton.Copy !req
473. Hurrah!Copy !req
474. There was, however, one slight...Copy !req
475. Hiccup.Copy !req
476. No, "cough" I think you mean.Copy !req
477. No, sir, "hiccup".Copy !req
478. The motion about
your impoverishmentCopy !req
479. has now moved on to
the House of Lords.Copy !req
480. Oh! Bravo!
Well, no worry there, then.Copy !req
481. Every man-jack of them
will be behind me.Copy !req
482. Ah, would that were so, Your Highness.
These are treacherous times.Copy !req
483. - Are they?
- Yes.Copy !req
484. It might be wise to appoint a new lord,Copy !req
485. to make sure the old lords
vote the right way.Copy !req
486. Hmm. Good thought. New lord...Copy !req
487. Any idea who?Copy !req
488. Well, sir, one name does leap to mind.Copy !req
489. Does it?Copy !req
490. Yes, sir.Copy !req
491. You couldn't make it
leap any higher, could you?Copy !req
492. A young man in your service, sir,
who has done sterling workCopy !req
493. matching the political machinations
of the evil Pitt.Copy !req
494. Ah, of course! Blackadder, oh,
how can I ever thank you enough?Copy !req
495. And it might also be worth bribing
a few lords,Copy !req
496. just to make sure they vote
the way their consciences tell them.Copy !req
497. Hmm. How many should we bribe
do you think?Copy !req
498. Oh, I think 300, to be sure,
at £1,000 each.Copy !req
499. Three hundred thousand pounds?Copy !req
500. Four hundred thousand pounds,
I think you'll find, sir.Copy !req
501. Yes, yes, you're right.Copy !req
502. Well, thank God
I've got you to advise me, Bladder.Copy !req
503. Just remind me, what do I have to do
to appoint this lord chappie?Copy !req
504. Oh, it's very simple, sir.
You put on your robes of State,Copy !req
505. he puts on his,Copy !req
506. then you sign
the Document of EnnoblementCopy !req
507. and dispatch him at once
to the House of Lords.Copy !req
508. Excellent!
I shall change immediately.Copy !req
509. And so, sir, shall I.Copy !req
510. Voila, Mrs Miggins.
My robes of State.Copy !req
511. One thousand pounds well spent, I think.Copy !req
512. Oh, very nice!Copy !req
513. Oh, it's real cat, isn't it?Copy !req
514. This is not cat, Mrs Miggins.
This is finest, leather-trimmed ermineCopy !req
515. with gold medallion accessories.Copy !req
516. Oh, go on, Mr Blackadder, it's cat.Copy !req
517. Oh, look, they've left
the little collars on.Copy !req
518. "Mr Frisky."Copy !req
519. "If found, please return
to Emma Hamilton,"Copy !req
520. "Marine Parade, Portsmouth."Copy !req
521. Oh, God!Copy !req
522. Ah, well, who cares about
a dead cat now that I'm a fat cat.Copy !req
523. Oh! You're full of yourself today, Mr B!Copy !req
524. Which is more than
can be said for Mr Frisky.Copy !req
525. My Lord.Copy !req
526. My Lords.Copy !req
527. I'm sorry, sir?Copy !req
528. My Lords. There is more than one lord
in the vicinity.Copy !req
529. Oh, well, yes...Copy !req
530. Will you please welcome His Grace,
The Lord Baldrick!Copy !req
531. You made Baldrick a lord?Copy !req
532. Well, yes. "One who has
recently done sterling work",Copy !req
533. "matching the political
machinations of the evil Pitt."Copy !req
534. Good old Lord Baldrick.Copy !req
535. It's all right, Blackadder,
you don't have to curtsey or anything.Copy !req
536. Sir, might I let loose
a short, violent exclamation?Copy !req
537. Well, certainly.Copy !req
538. Damn! Thank you, sir.Copy !req
539. I say, that's a bit
of a strange get-upCopy !req
540. you've got there,
isn't it, Blackadder?Copy !req
541. Yes, I'm just off to
a fancy dress party.Copy !req
542. I'm going as Lady Hamilton's pussy.Copy !req
543. There's just one question, sir,Copy !req
544. about the 400,000
to influence the Lords.Copy !req
545. Oh, yes,
I gave that to Lord Baldrick.Copy !req
546. Ah!Copy !req
547. Sir, might I be permitted
to take Lord Baldrick downstairsCopy !req
548. to give him some instruction
in his lordly duties?Copy !req
549. I think that's a splendid idea.Copy !req
550. This way, My Lord.Copy !req
551. Give me the bloody money, Baldrick,
or you're dead!Copy !req
552. "Give me the bloody money, Baldrick,
or you're dead, My Lord!"Copy !req
553. Just do it, Baldrick!
Otherwise, I shall further ennoble youCopy !req
554. by knighting you
rather clumsily with this meat cleaver.Copy !req
555. - I haven't got it.
- What?Copy !req
556. I spent it.Copy !req
557. You spent it?Copy !req
558. What could you
possibly spend £400,000 on?Copy !req
559. Oh, no...Copy !req
560. Oh, God, don't tell me.Copy !req
561. My dream turnip.Copy !req
562. Baldrick, how did you manage to find
a turnip that cost £400,000?Copy !req
563. Well, I had to haggle.Copy !req
564. This is the worst moment
of my entire life.Copy !req
565. I spent my last penny
on a catskin windcheater,Copy !req
566. and I've just broken
a priceless turnip.Copy !req
567. And now I'm about to
be viciously slaughteredCopy !req
568. by a naked
Tunisian sock merchant.Copy !req
569. And all I can say,
Baldrick, is this.Copy !req
570. It's the last time
I dabble in politics!Copy !req