1. Get out, libidinous swine!Copy !req
2. And take that whore slut
painted strumpet with you!Copy !req
3. May you both rot in the filth
of your own fornication!Copy !req
4. - And what did you say to him?
- Say, Madam? I said nothing.Copy !req
5. I pulled up my tights and
jumped out of the privy window.Copy !req
6. Edmund, you are so naughty!Copy !req
7. Well, I try, Madam.Copy !req
8. And then ten minutes later when
I've got my breath back, I try again.Copy !req
9. Perhaps we can move on
to more important matters.Copy !req
10. - Must we?
- I fear so.Copy !req
11. Lord Forest's son has
been kidnapped...Copy !req
12. and begs you
to pay the ransom.Copy !req
13. Edmund, what would you say?Copy !req
14. I have had experience of
this dreadful situation.Copy !req
15. Last year my aunt asked for my help
in the ransom of my Uncle Osric.Copy !req
16. Then you know something
of the dreadful pain involved.Copy !req
17. And can suggest no better answer
than the one I gave to her.Copy !req
18. - Which was?
- "Get stuffed."Copy !req
19. You would jest over
a young man's life?Copy !req
20. For young man read young idiot.Copy !req
21. Anyone stupid enough
to let some mustachioed dago say:Copy !req
22. "Excuse me, Meester"
and hit them over the head...Copy !req
23. deserves everything they get.Copy !req
24. - You're in good fooling this morning.
- Thank you, Baldrick.Copy !req
25. I heard quite an amusing story
myself the other day.Copy !req
26. Oh, good!Copy !req
27. - Excuse me, Meister.
- Yes, what is it?Copy !req
28. I said: "What is it?",
not hit me on the head with...Copy !req
29. I've changed my mind
about that Forest bloke.Copy !req
30. He is obviously very stupid,
but we can't punish people for that.Copy !req
31. If we did, Nursie would
have been in prison all her life.Copy !req
32. A very piquant observation,
Majesty.Copy !req
33. So I will sign this ransom,
but it must be the last.Copy !req
34. Absolutely the last!
Final. Full stop.Copy !req
35. Never again.
Cross my heart and hope to die.Copy !req
36. - Surely not "hope to die", Majesty?
- All right. I'll cross that out.Copy !req
37. Here you are.
Sorry about the smudge.Copy !req
38. - Excuse me, Meister.
- Yes?Copy !req
39. Oh, God! What on earth
was I drinking last night?Copy !req
40. My head feels like
there's a Frenchman living in it.Copy !req
41. Where am I?Copy !req
42. - Who's that?
- It is I, Melchett.Copy !req
43. You really ought to get
your house cleaned up.Copy !req
44. This is no time for jokes, Blackadder.
We've been kidnapped!Copy !req
45. How incredibly embarrassing!Copy !req
46. As private parts to the gods are we!
They play with us for their sport.Copy !req
47. Oh, God. Who's that?Copy !req
48. If anyone is going to be spoken to,
it is going to be me.Copy !req
49. - Tell him, Melchy.
- Certainly.Copy !req
50. That's better.Copy !req
51. Now, what's he saying?Copy !req
52. He would like a word with you.Copy !req
53. Anything else?Copy !req
54. He would like to
torture you as well.Copy !req
55. Am I addressing a senior dignitary
of the Spanish Inquisition?Copy !req
56. Good. Because if I am,Copy !req
57. I wish to make it quite clear,
that I am preparedCopy !req
58. to tell you absolutely anything.Copy !req
59. No speako dago.Copy !req
60. I demand to see the
British ambassador.Copy !req
61. For God's sake!
How can you question me...Copy !req
62. when you don't speak English?Copy !req
63. All right, let's start
with the basics.Copy !req
64. English is a non-inflected
Indo-European language...Copy !req
65. derived from dialects of...Copy !req
66. How's that!Copy !req
67. Percy! Who's Queen?Copy !req
68. Whoops! Butterfingers!Copy !req
69. - So I win again.
- Yes. Well done, Majesty.Copy !req
70. There's definitely been
no sign of Edmund?Copy !req
71. - I fear not, Ma'am.
- Why, then he has vanished.Copy !req
72. Like an old oak table.Copy !req
73. Vanished, Lord Percy.
Not varnished.Copy !req
74. Forgive me, my Lady,
but my uncle's old oak table vanished.Copy !req
75. 'Twas on the night of
the great Stepney fire.Copy !req
76. And on that same
terrible night...Copy !req
77. his house and all his other
things completely vanished too.Copy !req
78. So did he, in fact.
It was a most perplexing mystery.Copy !req
79. Lord Percy? It's up to you.Copy !req
80. Either you can shut up, or you
can have your head cut off.Copy !req
81. I'll shut up.Copy !req
82. Bastardo!Copy !req
83. Barrister.Copy !req
84. - Bastardo.
- Embarrassing.Copy !req
85. You're embarrassing.
I'm embarrassing.Copy !req
86. Rogering! Pregnant.Copy !req
87. Baby.Copy !req
88. Bathwater!Copy !req
89. Sounds like... Bastard.Copy !req
90. Donkey!Copy !req
91. Big bastard. Little bastard.Copy !req
92. Boy, man, father.
I'm a bastard's son.Copy !req
93. Thirsty. Thirsty bastard.Copy !req
94. Thirsty barking bastard.Copy !req
95. Oh, dog! Right, dog.Copy !req
96. Woman.Copy !req
97. Woman, dog. Bitch!
I'm a bastard son of a bitch!Copy !req
98. In that case,
you're a fornicating baboon.Copy !req
99. - Que?
- Oh dear!Copy !req
100. - You...
- Tu?Copy !req
101. Fornicating...
Yes. I can't really do it in this box.Copy !req
102. - Tus testiculos.
- My... Yes, those...Copy !req
103. - Sobre un fuego grande.
- Over a large...Copy !req
104. Fire! I got it. So, let's recap.Copy !req
105. If I admit that I'm in love...Copy !req
106. No!Copy !req
107. Sorry! Head-over-heels in love
with Satan and all his little wizards,Copy !req
108. you will remove my testicles
with a blunt instrument...Copy !req
109. resembling some kind
of gardening tool,Copy !req
110. and roast them
over a large fire.Copy !req
111. If I don't admit that I'm in love
with Satan and his little wizard...Copy !req
112. you will hold me upside down
in a vat of warm marmelade.Copy !req
113. And remove my testicles
with a blunt...Copy !req
114. Oh, I see! Well, in that case,
I love Satan.Copy !req
115. Oh, it's a scythe.Copy !req
116. I don't know.
I've looked everywhere.Copy !req
117. Perhaps...Copy !req
118. They're not hiding at all!Copy !req
119. Perhaps they've been kidnapped!Copy !req
120. Nonsense!Copy !req
121. Edmund said:
"Only real idiots get kidnapped".Copy !req
122. Do they?Copy !req
123. Stop!Copy !req
124. Forgive me, Herr Blackadder.Copy !req
125. I have been neglecting
my duties as a host.Copy !req
126. Please accept my appoloaggies.Copy !req
127. I accept nothing from a man who
imprisons his guests in a commode.Copy !req
128. I hope this scum has not
incoweenienced you.Copy !req
129. It takes more than a maniac
trying to cut off my goolies.Copy !req
130. If he had inconweenienced you,
I was going to offer you his tongue.Copy !req
131. Believe me, sir.
If he had inconweenienced me,Copy !req
132. you would not have a tongue
to make such an offer.Copy !req
133. Let me assure you, Blackadder,
if I no longer had a tongue...Copy !req
134. you wouldn't have a tongue to tell me
that if I had inconweenienced you,Copy !req
135. I would no longer have a tongue
with which to offer you his tongue.Copy !req
136. Yes, well.
Enough of this banter.Copy !req
137. Who the hell are you, sausage breath?Copy !req
138. You do not remember me?Copy !req
139. I don't believe I've
had the pleasure.Copy !req
140. On the contrary.
We have met many times.Copy !req
141. You knew me by another name.Copy !req
142. Do you recall a mysterious black
marketeer and smuggler called Otto...Copy !req
143. with whom you used to
dine and plot and play...Copy !req
144. - ... at the Old Pizzle in Dover?
- My God!Copy !req
145. I was the waitress!Copy !req
146. I don't believe it! You?
Big Sally?Copy !req
147. "Will you have another
piece of pie, My Lord?"Copy !req
148. But I went to bed
with you, didn't I?Copy !req
149. For my country, I am willing
to make any sacrifice.Copy !req
150. Yes, but I'm not!
I must have been paralytic!Copy !req
151. Indeed you were, Mr Floppy!Copy !req
152. Now, would you mind?Copy !req
153. "Such a disappointment
for a girl..."Copy !req
154. "It really doesn't matter!
We'll try again in a few minutes."Copy !req
155. We are proud of our comic
serving-wench voice, aren't we?Copy !req
156. Just because we can say
zur instead of sir.Copy !req
157. The tedious little turd who keeps
putting on amusing voices.Copy !req
158. - Be quiet!
- What else in your repertoire?Copy !req
159. A brilliant drunk Glaswegian,
no doubt.Copy !req
160. An hilarious black man:
"Where am dat watty-melon..."Copy !req
161. I can't wait for your
side-splitting poof...Copy !req
162. and that funny croaky one
who isn't anyone in particular.Copy !req
163. I like the one you do all the time.
The fat-headed German chamberpot.Copy !req
164. You talk too much, Blackadder.Copy !req
165. I think it's a case of werbal
diarrhoea that you are having.Copy !req
166. I should, perhaps, tell you...Copy !req
167. I have given the Queen a week
to reply to my ransom demand.Copy !req
168. Unless she pays up, you die.
Howwibly.Copy !req
169. She will pay up. And within a week,
you die. Howwibly, howwibly.Copy !req
170. You find yourself
amusing, Blackadder.Copy !req
171. I try not to fly in the
face of public opinion.Copy !req
172. A week from now you'll be less
in the mood for being amusing.Copy !req
173. Well, at least I can be amusing.Copy !req
174. Choose your next witticism
carefully, it may be your last.Copy !req
175. Guards! Fetch his friend.Copy !req
176. Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...Copy !req
177. Oh no, please!Copy !req
178. - We meet again.
- Don't think we've had the pleasure.Copy !req
179. - You do not recognise me, then?
- No...Copy !req
180. Let me refresh your memory.
In Cornwall, at the monastery.Copy !req
181. - The old shepherd.
- Good Lord! Dimkins?Copy !req
182. Yes! I was one of his sheep.Copy !req
183. - One of his sheep? Not Flossy?
- Yes!Copy !req
184. - But didn't we?
- Yes, Lord Melchett.Copy !req
185. - Baa!
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
186. But enough of such
pleasant reminiscence, eh?Copy !req
187. The guard has found an interesting
document in your clothing.Copy !req
188. The Queen will only pay one ransom.Copy !req
189. Absolutely the last. Final.
Full stop. Never again.Copy !req
190. Cross my heart and hope to be
spanked until my bottom goes purple.Copy !req
191. She has a difficult
choice in front of her.Copy !req
192. Not really. Bad luck, Melchers.
Life is overrated, I reckon.Copy !req
193. Well, gentlemen, if you'll
excuse me, I have work to do.Copy !req
194. Evil plots don't
just make themselves, you know.Copy !req
195. Dear Qveen.Copy !req
196. I, evil Prince Ludvig
the Indestructible,Copy !req
197. have your two friends
and you must shoose between them.Copy !req
198. The ransom is one million crona.Copy !req
199. Many, many appoloaggies
for the inconweenience.Copy !req
200. What a difficult choice!Copy !req
201. It isn't the first difficult choice
you've ever made, little tadpole.Copy !req
202. In the old days,
it was all difficult choices.Copy !req
203. Should you have Nursie Milk
or Moo Cow Milk?Copy !req
204. But then left breasty-dumpling
or right breasty-dumpling?Copy !req
205. Of course, it was always
both breasty-dumplings.Copy !req
206. Shut up, Nursie!Copy !req
207. This is very confusing.Copy !req
208. Lord Percy, play a while
to calm my spirits.Copy !req
209. Certainly, Ma'am.Copy !req
210. Patty-cake, patty-cake,
baker's man. You're it!Copy !req
211. Ring-a-ring o'rosie,
all fall down.Copy !req
212. What say you, Blackadder, I sing
a song to keep our spirits up?Copy !req
213. That depends on whether you want
the slop-bucket over your head.Copy !req
214. Well, perhaps some
pleasant word game.Copy !req
215. All right. Make a sentence
out of the following words:Copy !req
216. Face, sodding, your, shut.Copy !req
217. We must do something to relieve
our minds of the fate that awaits us!Copy !req
218. Awaits you, Melchy. Not me.
How's my beard looking?Copy !req
219. Alas! Shall I never
see England more?Copy !req
220. Her rolling fields?
Her swooping swallows...Copy !req
221. And her playful sheep.Copy !req
222. - About time.
- Gentlemen, the answer has arrived.Copy !req
223. Well, thank God! I'm sick of
this place.Copy !req
224. The conditions are just disgraceful.
It's like a prison in here.Copy !req
225. I shall read it to you.Copy !req
226. Typical master criminal.
Loves the sound of his own voice.Copy !req
227. After careful deliberation
the Queen has decided...Copy !req
228. to extend the
ransom money on...Copy !req
229. a big party.Copy !req
230. Just impossible
to decide between my two faves.Copy !req
231. I've decided to keep the cash,
have a whizzy-jolly time...Copy !req
232. and try to forget both of you.Copy !req
233. Hope you're not too miffed.
Byeee!Copy !req
234. What?Copy !req
235. "Hope you're not too miffed.
Byeee!"Copy !req
236. As you can imagine,
this makes me very unhappy.Copy !req
237. Oh, I am sorry!Copy !req
238. But if you gentlemen were to tell me
a way to gain access to your Queen,Copy !req
239. I might just be able to commute
your death to a life sentence.Copy !req
240. - Are you suggesting we betray her?
- Oh yes.Copy !req
241. All right.Copy !req
242. Blackadder! What are you saying?
What of loyalty? Honour?Copy !req
243. - What of them?
- Nothing.Copy !req
244. - So you will both play ball?
- Yep.Copy !req
245. Oh, what joy!Copy !req
246. See how you collapse before me,
great and incorruptible English nobs.Copy !req
247. So proud of your great
big stiff upper lips?Copy !req
248. Gloating is a sign of insecurity.Copy !req
249. Do you want to know
how to get the Queen?Copy !req
250. I thought some kind of disguise.
I do a good Mary Queen of Scots.Copy !req
251. Hoots, mon. Whar's me heid?Copy !req
252. - What sort of party should it be?
- A fancy dress. I love fancy dress.Copy !req
253. - Nursie?
- I think it should be one of those...Copy !req
254. where everybody comes
with nothing on at all.Copy !req
255. Shut up, then!Copy !req
256. I agree with you,
Acting Lord Chamberlain.Copy !req
257. If we're to forget our woes, then we
should have as much fun as possible.Copy !req
258. What's more fun than people dressed
as frogs and rabbits and nuns?Copy !req
259. - And bits of wood.
- You're not going as a bit of wood.Copy !req
260. - Aren't I?
- No!Copy !req
261. How about a pencil?
Should I come as a pencil?Copy !req
262. You always talk like this
and always end up as the same thing.Copy !req
263. - Do I?
- Yes, you know you do.Copy !req
264. Lassie, what does Nursie come
to fancy dress parties dressed as?Copy !req
265. - I thought everybody knew.
- Everybody, except Nursie. Tell her.Copy !req
266. She always comes as a cow.Copy !req
267. Yes, that's right!
A lovely cow with great lovely udders.Copy !req
268. I swiggle around going "moo".Copy !req
269. "Come to Nursie Cow,
you lovely little heifers!" What fun!Copy !req
270. - I want to be a cow again, please?
- Shut up!Copy !req
271. - Isn't Nursie stupid?
- She certainly is, Ma'am.Copy !req
272. You see?
We're having a good time already!Copy !req
273. We've completely forgotten
about those chaps in prison.Copy !req
274. What chaps?Copy !req
275. Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...Copy !req
276. My friends,
I come to bid you farewell.Copy !req
277. The guards will die of old age, but
their sons will attend to your needs.Copy !req
278. Thanks for your concern,
we intend to escape.Copy !req
279. With your information, I intend to
bring down your Queen and country.Copy !req
280. The Master of Disguise will become
the Master of the World.Copy !req
281. - One thing, Ludwig, before you go...
- What?Copy !req
282. - Were you ever bullied at school?
- What do you mean?Copy !req
283. This ranting and raving about power,
there must be some reason for it.Copy !req
284. At my school having dirty hair
and spots was a sign of maturity!Copy !req
285. I bet your mother made you wear
shorts right up to your final year.Copy !req
286. Shut up!Copy !req
287. When I am King of England, no-one
will call me Shorty-Greasy-Spot!Copy !req
288. Touched a nerve there, I think.Copy !req
289. What good is it going to do us
if we're doomed to die here?Copy !req
290. Don't worry, I have a plan.Copy !req
291. With Ludwig gone, we won't have
trouble overcoming the guards.Copy !req
292. Germans are sticklers for efficiency,
I've been watching their routine.Copy !req
293. I've selected the moment
when they're most vulnerable.Copy !req
294. - That is when we will attack them.
- How?Copy !req
295. That is the most cunning bit...Copy !req
296. Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...Copy !req
297. This is it. Don't forget,
when they're at their most vulnerable.Copy !req
298. Halt! Jingle the keys!Copy !req
299. Open the door!Copy !req
300. Greeting to the prisoners!Copy !req
301. Guten Abend, Englander-scum.
March to the table!Copy !req
302. Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...Copy !req
303. Halt! Food on the table: ein, zwei!Copy !req
304. Spit on the food: ein, zwei!Copy !req
305. Insulting further gestures
to the prisoners: ein, zwei!Copy !req
306. Now!Copy !req
307. Trust me to get the hard one!Copy !req
308. Off with their heads!Copy !req
309. Ma'am, it is brilliant!
Your father is born again!Copy !req
310. Bally well hope not,
or else I won't be Queen anymore!Copy !req
311. Yours is pretty good, too. What is it?Copy !req
312. It's nothing, Ma'am.
Just a mere trifle I threw together.Copy !req
313. Doesn't look like a trifle.
Looks more like a fruit salad.Copy !req
314. I see Nursie's really
excelled herself.Copy !req
315. Yes, she has.
I'm not sure about this, though.Copy !req
316. - What are you meant to be?
- A pencil case.Copy !req
317. Yes!Copy !req
318. Oh, it's just like parties
I had when I was tiny.Copy !req
319. We had tea and cakes and venison.Copy !req
320. Then a trip with a couple
of little friends to the executions.Copy !req
321. If I wanted my little
friends executed, that is.Copy !req
322. How I do wish Edmund could be here.Copy !req
323. He always loved parties,Copy !req
324. and always, always wore
very, very tight tights.Copy !req
325. Edmund who?Copy !req
326. Edmund Blackadder!Copy !req
327. - Oh, Edmund. But...
- Have I ever missed a party?Copy !req
328. - But what about Lord Melchett?
- Yes, unfortunately, he made it too.Copy !req
329. Joy beyond measure! Bliss
which cannot be counted on fingers.Copy !req
330. Baa!Copy !req
331. - Sorry, Edmund?
- Nothing.Copy !req
332. Yes, unfortunately, apart from
my nose getting a little prettier,Copy !req
333. nothing much has
changed around here.Copy !req
334. Your animal still isn't house-trained,
Percy's still unemployed,Copy !req
335. and Nursie's one stick
short of a bundle.Copy !req
336. - Moo!
- Thank you for reminding me.Copy !req
337. Nursie! You've killed Nursie!Copy !req
338. That's horrid.Copy !req
339. Guards! Take him away and execute him!Copy !req
340. Can anyone help me with my udders?Copy !req
341. - Nursie?
- Yes.Copy !req
342. May I introduce you to our captor,
Prince Ludwig the Indestructible!Copy !req
343. Queen Elizabeth, we meet again.Copy !req
344. No, I don't think so, actually.Copy !req
345. Remember when you were young...Copy !req
346. your father used to take you riding
on a magnificent grey pony...Copy !req
347. that you used to
kiss and fondle in the stable yard.Copy !req
348. I was the tall and attractive
German stable-lad who held him.Copy !req
349. - No!
- Yes!Copy !req
350. Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot?Copy !req
351. You will regret the day
that you mocked my complexion!Copy !req
352. I shall return and vreak my rewenghee!Copy !req
353. No, you will die and be buried.Copy !req
354. Hurray!Copy !req
355. Strange man.Copy !req
356. But how did you know it was him?Copy !req
357. This was the information
with which we bought our lives.Copy !req
358. We said: If the Queen's
having a party,Copy !req
359. then Nursie always
goes as a cow.Copy !req
360. All we had to do was escape,
return and kill the cow.Copy !req
361. How could you be sure
it was not Nursie?Copy !req
362. Because Ludwig was a
master of disguise.Copy !req
363. Nursie is a sad, insane old woman
with an udder fixation.Copy !req
364. All we had to do was kill the one
that looked like the cow.Copy !req
365. That was Ludwig's mistake.
His disguise was too good!Copy !req
366. Gosh, Edmund! How brilliant!
Welcome home.Copy !req
367. - I must say it's good to be back.
- Welcome, Edmund.Copy !req
368. - Did you miss me?
- I certainly did.Copy !req
369. Many was the time I said to myself:
"I wish Percy was here..."Copy !req
370. ".. being tortured instead of me."Copy !req
371. - We have missed your wit!
- Did you miss me, My Lord?Copy !req
372. Baldrick, is it?Copy !req
373. No, not really.Copy !req
374. And me. Did you miss me, Edmund?Copy !req
375. Madam, life without you was like...Copy !req
376. a broken pencil.Copy !req
377. - Explain?
- Pointless.Copy !req
378. Now this is a disguise I'm
really going to enjoy!Copy !req
379. If I can just get
the voice right.Copy !req