1. I must say it was jolly nice of you
to ask me to share your breakfast.Copy !req
2. It is said that civilised man seeks
out good and intelligent company.Copy !req
3. Through learned discourse, he may
rise above savage and closer to God.Copy !req
4. Yes, I've heard that.Copy !req
5. I like to start the day with a dickhead
to remind me I'm best.Copy !req
6. Beshrew me, Edmund! You're in good fooling.Copy !req
7. Don't say 'beshrew me',
Only stupid actors say that.Copy !req
8. Oh, how I would love to be an actor!Copy !req
9. I had great talent for it.
I was the man of a thousand faces.Copy !req
10. How'd you come to choose
the ugly mug you've got now?Copy !req
11. - Tush, my lord.
- Don't say 'tush' either.Copy !req
12. It's a short step from 'tush' to
'hey nonny' and then I'll call the police.Copy !req
13. God pats me on the head and says:
"Good boy, Edmund!"Copy !req
14. My aunt and uncle, Lord
and Lady WhiteadderCopy !req
15. the two most fanatical
puritans in EnglandCopy !req
16. have invited themselves
to dinner here tonight.Copy !req
17. Aren't they the most frightful bores?Copy !req
18. They have one great
redeeming feature; Their wallets.Copy !req
19. More capacious than an elephant's
scrotum and as difficult to get into.Copy !req
20. At least until now, for tonight
they wish to discuss my inheritance.Copy !req
21. Hey nonny nonny, my lord! Good news!Copy !req
22. Baldrick!Copy !req
23. Why have you got cheese
tied to the end of your nose?Copy !req
24. To catch mice, my lord.Copy !req
25. I lie on the floor with my mouth open
and hope they scurry in.Copy !req
26. - And do they?
- Not yet, my lord.Copy !req
27. I'm not surprised. Your breath
comes straight from Satan's bottom.Copy !req
28. The only mouse you're going to catch
is one without a nose.Copy !req
29. That's a pity,
the nose is the best bit on a mouse.Copy !req
30. That would be luxury compared to
what Percy and I must eat tonight.Copy !req
31. We are entertaining
puritan vegetable folk, Balders.Copy !req
32. - And that means no meat.
- Then I shall make Turnip Surprise.Copy !req
33. - And the surprise is?
- There's nothing in it except turnip.Copy !req
34. So, the Turnip Surprise would be a turnip.Copy !req
35. Oh yeah...Copy !req
36. Get the door, Baldrick.Copy !req
37. If things go as planned,
congratulations are in order.Copy !req
38. Nice try, Percy. But
you're not getting a penny.Copy !req
39. Baldrick. I would advise you to make
your explanation phenomenally good.Copy !req
40. - You said: "Get the door".
- Not good enough. You're fired.Copy !req
41. But, my lord,
I've been in your family since 1532!Copy !req
42. So has syphilis. Now get out!Copy !req
43. By the way, there was a messenger outside.Copy !req
44. He says the Queen wants to see you;
Lord Melchett is very sick.Copy !req
45. - He's at Death's door.
- My old reinstated family retainer.Copy !req
46. Let's go and open it for him, then!Copy !req
47. Edmund! Quick! Melchett's dying.
We must do something!Copy !req
48. Yes, of course. Some sort of celebration.Copy !req
49. But let's wait until
he's actually snuffed it.Copy !req
50. Nursie's old methods
don't seem to be working.Copy !req
51. It all started last night
at about two o'clock.Copy !req
52. I was tucked into bed having
a scrummy dream about poniesCopy !req
53. when I was wakened by
a terrific banging from Lord Melchett.Copy !req
54. I never knew he had it in him.Copy !req
55. It's true! He was banging
on the castle gate, falling over...Copy !req
56. And singing a strange song about
a girl who possessed something...Copy !req
57. Oh, yes. It's a lovely old hymn.Copy !req
58. I think I know what's
wrong with Lord Melchett.Copy !req
59. And unfortunately, it isn't fatal.Copy !req
60. Hurry up and cure the horrible man.
I'm fed up with him moaning.Copy !req
61. And letting off such great
and fruit some flappy woof-woofs.Copy !req
62. One can't believe one's tiny nosy.Copy !req
63. The truth is,
Lord Melchett just can't take his ale.Copy !req
64. I may be a little delicate this morning,
but what I drank last nightCopy !req
65. - would have floored a rhinoceros!
- If it was allergic to lemonade.Copy !req
66. It's Blackadder here
who can't take his ale.Copy !req
67. - Oh yeah?
- Yeah!Copy !req
68. This is so exciting! The
boys are getting tough.Copy !req
69. We all remember the embarrassment
of the visit of the King of AustriaCopy !req
70. when Blackadder was found
naked at Hampton Court singing:Copy !req
71. "I'm Merlin the Happy Pig!"Copy !req
72. So what did you have last night?
A whole pint of potato juice?Copy !req
73. I had two flagons of claret
and a double helping of curried turtle!Copy !req
74. It's no holds barred with us at
the annual communion-wine tasting.Copy !req
75. For me and the boys,
every night is drinking night!Copy !req
76. - Says who?
- Says me!Copy !req
77. You should come and have a look
at the underside of my table.Copy !req
78. - Tonight!
- Tonight?Copy !req
79. Yeah! Come on, Melchy.
What are you scared of?Copy !req
80. All right, tonight. I'll be there.Copy !req
81. Hurray! And last one
under the table gets...Copy !req
82. Ten thousand florins from the loser.Copy !req
83. Right. Well, I'll get the beer in then.Copy !req
84. Nursie.Copy !req
85. - Do you know what I'm going to do?
- What?Copy !req
86. I'm going to find out
what happens at these boys' nights.Copy !req
87. - Good idea, poppet.
- AndCopy !req
88. I'll wear a cloak with a cowl,
so no-one will recognise me.Copy !req
89. You're so clever today, you better
be careful your foot doesn't fall off.Copy !req
90. Does that happen
when you have lots of brilliant ideas?Copy !req
91. My brother had this brilliant idea
of cutting his toenails with a scythe,Copy !req
92. and his foot fell off.Copy !req
93. The person we're looking for is
an aggressive drunken loutCopy !req
94. with intelligence of a four year old
and sexual sophistication of a donkey.Copy !req
95. - Cardinal Wolsey...
- Baldrick!Copy !req
96. My lord?Copy !req
97. - Why?
- I got fed up with the all-mouse diet.Copy !req
98. Thought I'd try cat for variety.Copy !req
99. Good, well done.
Returning to the real world:Copy !req
100. do you have a knife?Copy !req
101. Good. I wish to quickly
send off some party invitations.Copy !req
102. I wish to write them in blood.
Your blood, to be precise.Copy !req
103. How much blood will you be requiring?Copy !req
104. Oh, nothing much. Just a small puddle.Copy !req
105. Will you want me to cut anything off?
An arm or a leg?Copy !req
106. Good lord, no. A little prick should do.Copy !req
107. Very well, my lord.
I am your bondsman and must obey.Copy !req
108. For God's sake! A
little prick on your finger.Copy !req
109. - I haven't got one there!
- Forget it.Copy !req
110. Thank you, my lord.Copy !req
111. Perce, how's this list going?Copy !req
112. I thought we could invite
my girlfriend, Gwendoline...Copy !req
113. - No chicks. Who else?
- That's as far as I'd got, actually.Copy !req
114. I'll dictate. First: Simon Partridge.Copy !req
115. Oh, not Farter's Parters,
also known as Mr Ostrich.Copy !req
116. - Even he...
- But he's a fearful oik!Copy !req
117. Takes one to know one, Perce.
Secondly: Sir Geoffrey Piddle.Copy !req
118. Here's-To-The-Health-Of
Cardinal-Chunder Piddle?Copy !req
119. Thirdly: Freddie Frobisher,
the Flatulent Hermit of Lindisfarne.Copy !req
120. Oh, paugh paugh!Copy !req
121. - That should do the trick.
- And Lord and Lady Whiteadder.Copy !req
122. Oh, yes.Copy !req
123. Oh, no.Copy !req
124. It does look a teeny bit
like trying to get out of it.Copy !req
125. No, Ma'am.
I just want to make it another night.Copy !req
126. - Certainly not!
- I beg your pardon?Copy !req
127. It's just one excuse after another.Copy !req
128. Next thing, he'll be trying
to get out of having his bath.Copy !req
129. - He isn't talking about baths, Nursie.
- Well, he should be.Copy !req
130. Soon he'll be saying
he doesn't want his nappy changed!Copy !req
131. Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.Copy !req
132. In that case, it's even more
important that he has a bath!Copy !req
133. I know why you want to get out of it.
I remember the last party.Copy !req
134. I found you face-down in a puddle,
wearing a pointy hat and singing.Copy !req
135. Yes, all right! Tonight it is.Copy !req
136. Oh, Edmund. I do love
it when you get cross.Copy !req
137. Sometimes I think of executing you
to see the expression on your face.Copy !req
138. Let's make sure you've got this.
We're having two parties here tonight.Copy !req
139. And they must be kept completely separate.Copy !req
140. Firstly, a total piss-up involving beer
throwing and wall-to-wall vomiting.Copy !req
141. To be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.Copy !req
142. Secondly, Percy will join me in here
for the gourmet turnip eating.Copy !req
143. - Is the Turnip Surprise ready?
- Yes, it is my lord.Copy !req
144. - Then what is so funny?
- Well, my lord,Copy !req
145. while Baldrick and I
were preparing the Turnip Surprise...Copy !req
146. We had a surprise!Copy !req
147. We came across a turnip
that was exactly the same shape...Copy !req
148. As a thingy!Copy !req
149. A thingy?Copy !req
150. A great big thingy! It was terrific.Copy !req
151. Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick.Copy !req
152. Horses are well endowed, but
it doesn't make them sensitive lovers.Copy !req
153. I trust you have removed
this hilarious item?Copy !req
154. Nothing stops an inheritance
like a thingy-shaped turnip.Copy !req
155. Absolutely, Edmund. But it was jolly funny!Copy !req
156. I found it particulary ironic, 'cause
I've got a thingy shaped like a turnip.Copy !req
157. I'm quite fun at parties! I hide in the
vegetable rack and scare children.Copy !req
158. Perhaps you've forgotten I'm having
a drinking competition tonightCopy !req
159. with Lord Melchett,
and ten thousand florins are at stake!Copy !req
160. - Oh dear!
- What do you mean?Copy !req
161. Firstly: You haven't
got ten thousand florins.Copy !req
162. And thirdly: One drop of the ale
and you fall flat on your face.Copy !req
163. That's nonsense. But
just in case it's true...Copy !req
164. - It is true.
- Yes, all right!Copy !req
165. The plan is: When I call for my
Incredibly Strong AleCopy !req
166. you must pass me water
in an ale bottle. Got that?Copy !req
167. When you call for ale, I pass water.Copy !req
168. Percy, your job is to stay here
and suck up to my aunt.Copy !req
169. I think you can trust me
to know how to handle a woman.Copy !req
170. Right, here goes.Copy !req
171. Uncle! Aunt! Greetings!
How nice it is to see you.Copy !req
172. Wicked child! Don't lie.
Everyone hates us, and you know it.Copy !req
173. May I introduce my friend Lord Percy.Copy !req
174. Well, well, well, Eddy!Copy !req
175. You didn't tell me you had
such a good-looking aunt!Copy !req
176. Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness!Copy !req
177. I know what I like, and I like what I see.Copy !req
178. Be gone, Satan!Copy !req
179. I hope you had a pleasant inheritance...Copy !req
180. Did I say 'inheritance'? I meant journey.Copy !req
181. If you'd just like to
help yourself to a legacy... a chair.Copy !req
182. Chair? You have chairs in your house?Copy !req
183. Wicked child! Chairs
are an invention of Satan!Copy !req
184. In our home, Nathaniel sits on a spike.Copy !req
185. - And yourself?
- I sit on Nathaniel.Copy !req
186. Two spikes would be an extravagance.Copy !req
187. I will suffer comfort this once.Copy !req
188. We shall just have to stick forks
in our legs between courses.Copy !req
189. I trust you remember we eat no meat?Copy !req
190. Here we feast only
on God's lovely turnip, mashed.Copy !req
191. Mashed?!Copy !req
192. Wicked child! Mashing is
also the work of Beelzebub.Copy !req
193. For Satan saw God's blessed turnip,
and he envied it,Copy !req
194. and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape.Copy !req
195. I shall have my turnip as God intended.Copy !req
196. - Baldrick!
- My lord?Copy !req
197. Would you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip?Copy !req
198. - We've only got the one that...
- Just do it. Thank you.Copy !req
199. Uncle, will you have your turnip
mashed, or as God intended?Copy !req
200. He will not answer you,
he has taken a vow of silence.Copy !req
201. I believe that silence is golden.Copy !req
202. Inheritance.Copy !req
203. Edmund! I trust
you have invited no other guests?Copy !req
204. Where there are other guests
there are people to fornicate with!Copy !req
205. Well, quite.Copy !req
206. I'll just go and tell them
to fornicate off. Lord Percy.Copy !req
207. Well, Lord Whiteadder, a vow of silence...Copy !req
208. That's quite an interesting thing.
Tell me about it.Copy !req
209. Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!Copy !req
210. Happy Birthday, Eddy-Baby.
Happy Birthday to you!Copy !req
211. It's not my birthday, Archdeacon!Copy !req
212. Well, get stuck in, boys.Copy !req
213. Stuck in! Way-hey! Get it?Copy !req
214. Well, it sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?
Stuck in!Copy !req
215. Sorry, back in a tick.Copy !req
216. A tick! Now that
sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?Copy !req
217. Sounds a bit like bum!Copy !req
218. Melchett!
Late I see, to avoid the early drinking.Copy !req
219. You really are a beginner.
You forgot your comedy breasts!Copy !req
220. Au contraire, Blackadder.Copy !req
221. Let's wait until
we get down to the serious drinking.Copy !req
222. No, it's this way. Here we are.Copy !req
223. - Good evening.
- Lads, this is Lord Melchett.Copy !req
224. - Give him a large one, will you?
- Large one! Way-hey! Get it?Copy !req
225. Yes, you do! Large one! Sounds a bit rude.Copy !req
226. You may find the conversation
a bit above your head at first.Copy !req
227. Well, down the hatch!Copy !req
228. - I heard there was a party on.
- No, there are two.Copy !req
229. - But I'm a friend of Lord Percy.
- You must be Gwendoline! Come in.Copy !req
230. - Thank you very much.
- It's in here.Copy !req
231. I'm sorry about that.Copy !req
232. Sorry, he's sick.Copy !req
233. Leprosy of the brain.Copy !req
234. Or he is trying to tell you
you're wearing a pair of Devil's dumplings.Copy !req
235. Oh my God. My earmuffs have fallen down!Copy !req
236. It's getting... Would you like a pair?Copy !req
237. Cold is God's way of telling us
to burn more catholics!Copy !req
238. - Which reminds me, Aunty...
- Don't call me "Aunty"!Copy !req
239. Aunt is a relative,
and relatives are evidence of sex,Copy !req
240. and sex is hardly a fitting subject
for the dinner table.Copy !req
241. - Or, indeed, any table.
- Except a table in a brothel.Copy !req
242. Oh dear.
It seems you have fallen off your chair.Copy !req
243. Oh my God!Copy !req
244. Your turnip, my Lady.Copy !req
245. Very good! Very good!Copy !req
246. It takes me right back
to our wedding night.Copy !req
247. We had raw turnips that night.Copy !req
248. - What was that?
- What was what?Copy !req
249. - That noise!
- Noise?Copy !req
250. - Did you hear a noise, Percy?
- No.Copy !req
251. Apart from that colossal drunken roar.Copy !req
252. Oh, that noise!
It's the catholics next door, I'm afraid.Copy !req
253. I'll just go and burn
them. Back in a minute.Copy !req
254. - Yes?
- I'm suffocating!Copy !req
255. Now take a deep breath.
And another. Better?Copy !req
256. - Yes.
- Good.Copy !req
257. Mind you, I'll say one thing for catholics.Copy !req
258. They do have natural rhythm!Copy !req
259. - I notice you're not drinking.
- I'm holding my own here.Copy !req
260. Way-hey! Holding my own!
Now that sounds incredibly rude.Copy !req
261. Yes, well.
I never went to university, of course.Copy !req
262. It doesn't explain
why you're not drinking with us.Copy !req
263. That's what I wanted to talk about.Copy !req
264. What do you say to the idea
of ten minutes silenceCopy !req
265. to get some really serious drinking in?Copy !req
266. Yes, I said: "Please give me silence".
Not: "Drench me with dribble".Copy !req
267. - Here's a nice glass of cider.
- Only cider?Copy !req
268. I'm going to go and put some brandy in it!Copy !req
269. - How are we all going, then?
- Not well!Copy !req
270. Let us discuss your inheritance.Copy !req
271. - A little drink first?
- Wicked child!Copy !req
272. Drink is urine for the last leper in Hell!Copy !req
273. No, this is only water.
This is a house of simple purity.Copy !req
274. Great booze-up, Edmund!Copy !req
275. Do you know that man?Copy !req
276. No.Copy !req
277. - He called you Edmund?
- Oh, know him. Yes, I do.Copy !req
278. Then can you explain
what he meant by great booze-up?Copy !req
279. Yes, I can.Copy !req
280. My friend is a missionary,Copy !req
281. and on his last visit abroadCopy !req
282. brought back with him
the chief of a famous tribe.Copy !req
283. His name is Great Bu.Copy !req
284. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness.Copy !req
285. And he has obviously just wokenCopy !req
286. - because you heard: "Great Bu's up".
- Well done, Edmund.Copy !req
287. I think I'd better go and visit him.
Perce, over to you.Copy !req
288. Yes. How about some sort of game?Copy !req
289. How about a couple of frames
of Shove-Piggy-Shove?Copy !req
290. You challenged me to
a drinking competition,Copy !req
291. and I haven't seen you touch a drop!Copy !req
292. You twist and turn like
a... twisty-turny thing.Copy !req
293. I say you're a weedy pigeon,
and you can call me Susan if it isn't so.Copy !req
294. All right! Baldrick, fetch my
Incredibly Strong Ale!Copy !req
295. Good God! Not Dr McGloo's Amber Enema?Copy !req
296. - A drink for schoolgirls.
- Not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy?Copy !req
297. No! It is Blackadder's Bowel Basher.Copy !req
298. A brew guaranteed to knock
the backsides off a concrete elephant!Copy !req
299. - Naw! It is water.
- What!Copy !req
300. No, but seriously, Baldrick.Copy !req
301. You did call for
your Incredibly Strong Ale, my lord?Copy !req
302. That's a relief. I thought
I'd made a mistake.Copy !req
303. My God, he is right. It is water!Copy !req
304. Come on, lads. Let's give him a real drink.Copy !req
305. - Well, fine.
- Bums up!Copy !req
306. Way-hey! Bums!
Sounds a bit like bums, doesn't it?Copy !req
307. Drink, Blackadder. Drink!Copy !req
308. 42 seconds later.Copy !req
309. Percy, I've lost the bet.Copy !req
310. Edmund! Explain yourself.Copy !req
311. I can't. Not just like that.Copy !req
312. I'm a complicated person, you see.Copy !req
313. Sometimes I'm nice
and sometimes I'm nasty.Copy !req
314. And sometimes
I just like to sing little songs like:Copy !req
315. "See the little goblin"Copy !req
316. I mean, explain why
you are wearing a cardinal's hat,Copy !req
317. why you are grinning inanely,Copy !req
318. and why you have a feather
sticking out of your britches.Copy !req
319. I'm wearing a cardinal's hat
because I'm Cardinal Chunder.Copy !req
320. I have an ostrich feather up my bottomCopy !req
321. because Mr Ostrich put it there
to keep in the little pixies.Copy !req
322. And I'm grinning inanelyCopy !req
323. because I think I've succeeded
in conning you and your husbandCopy !req
324. out of a whopping great inheritance!Copy !req
325. Is that right?
May I remind you, cursed creatureCopy !req
326. that your inheritance depends
upon your not drinking or gambling.Copy !req
327. Damn! Percy, the Devil
farts in my face once more.Copy !req
328. Not mentioning farts was also a condition.Copy !req
329. Shove off, you old trout!Copy !req
330. How dare you speak to my husband like that!Copy !req
331. Nathaniel, we're leaving!Copy !req
332. - And you...
- Yes?Copy !req
333. Has anyone told you
you're a giggling imbecile?Copy !req
334. - Oh, yes.
- Good!Copy !req
335. Good riddance, you old witch!Copy !req
336. She's forgotten her broomstick!Copy !req
337. Look... I just wanted to say thanks
for a splendid evening.Copy !req
338. Yes, first rate, all round.
Particularly your jester.Copy !req
339. By the way, I loved the turnip.Copy !req
340. Very funny.Copy !req
341. Exactly the same shape as a thingy!Copy !req
342. Good God!Copy !req
343. - Look who it is!
- Who is it?Copy !req
344. Well, it's a boys' party. She's a girl,
so she must be the stripper.Copy !req
345. Oh, no. Don't get too depressed, Edmund.Copy !req
346. I mean, money isn't everything.Copy !req
347. Think of clouds and daisies,Copy !req
348. and the lovely smiles
on little babies' faces.Copy !req
349. Be quiet, Percy.Copy !req
350. This way!Copy !req
351. Whoa! Another stripper!Copy !req
352. And a male stripper!Copy !req
353. Oh, yes. This is much more like it!Copy !req
354. And she's come dressed as the Queen!Copy !req
355. Sexy!Copy !req
356. Do you know who I am?Copy !req
357. Yes. I know who you are.Copy !req
358. - Who?
- You're Merlin the Happy Pig!Copy !req
359. Wrong, I'm afraid. I am
the Queen of England!Copy !req
360. I may have the body
of a weak and feeble woman,Copy !req
361. but I have the heart and stCopy !req