1. Go away!Copy !req
2. My lord, there is someone
at the door to see you.Copy !req
3. - What time is it?
- Four o'clock.Copy !req
4. You mustn't let me sleep all day.
This woman charges by the hour.Copy !req
5. No, my lord, it's four o'clock in the morning.Copy !req
6. Someone wants to see me
at four in the morning?Copy !req
7. - What is he, a giant lark?
- No, he's a priest.Copy !req
8. Tell him I'm Jewish.Copy !req
9. Aren't you going to introduce me, then?Copy !req
10. Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?Copy !req
11. Baldrick, I'm delighted to introduce you to ...Copy !req
12. - Sorry, I've forgotten your name.
- Mollie.Copy !req
13. - This is Mollie. A dear friend.
- I'm not dear.Copy !req
14. I'm very reasonable actually, Baldrick.Copy !req
15. Most would charge an extra sixpence
for all the things he wants to do.Copy !req
16. Baldrick, this is Mollie.
An inexpensive prostitute.Copy !req
17. Mollie, this is Baldrick. A pointless peasant.Copy !req
18. - What about the priest?
- Tell him to get out of here.Copy !req
19. If he comes begging again...Copy !req
20. ..I shall report him to the
Bishop of Bath and Wells...Copy !req
21. ..who drowns babies and eats them
in the vestry afterwards.Copy !req
22. Very good, my lord.Copy !req
23. - Bye, Baldrick.
- Bye-bye, Mollie.Copy !req
24. Get out!Copy !req
25. When you should be
whispering sweet nothings like:Copy !req
26. "Something twice the size of
the Royal Barge has hove into view"...Copy !req
27. You don't say a word.Copy !req
28. But enter the Creature Of The Black
Latrine and you won't stop jabbering.Copy !req
29. He was treating me like a human being.Copy !req
30. If I wanted a lecture on the rights of Man,
I would have slept with Martin Luther.Copy !req
31. Yes, Baldrick. What is it now?Copy !req
32. The priest still wants to see you.Copy !req
33. Did you mention the baby-eating
Bishop of Bath and Wells?Copy !req
34. He said: "I am the baby-eating
Bishop of Bath and Wells!"Copy !req
35. Good lord!Copy !req
36. - You haven't got any children?
- No. I'm not married.Copy !req
37. In that case, I'll skip breakfast
and get straight down to business.Copy !req
38. Do you know what day it is today?Copy !req
39. It is exactly one year ago...Copy !req
40. ..that the Bank of the Black Monks of St. Herod,Copy !req
41. "Banking with a smile and a stab",
of which I am the assistant manager,Copy !req
42. lent you one thousand pounds.Copy !req
43. Our motto is: Repayment or Revenge.Copy !req
44. Of course, and naturally
I'd have paid you back, but...Copy !req
45. I've gone and lost my wallet.Copy !req
46. Disastrous! It had all my little notes saying:Copy !req
47. "Forget ye not" and, of course, all my money!Copy !req
48. That's no concern of mine. The debt is now due.Copy !req
49. Not to repay a loan is a sin,
and we Black Monks, we hate sin!Copy !req
50. Your Grace, this is my mother. Mother this is...Copy !req
51. Good morning, my dear.Copy !req
52. I hope you haven't forgotten our appointment.Copy !req
53. Of course not, Pumpy!Copy !req
54. You know, I have a mind
to play "Nuns and Novices".Copy !req
55. - So don't forget your wimple.
- OK!Copy !req
56. And, as for you, you come with me.Copy !req
57. - Where?
- To visit the last poor fool who...Copy !req
58. ..lost his wallet!Copy !req
59. "William Greeves: born 1513
in Chelshood with the love of Christ."Copy !req
60. "Died 1563 in...Copy !req
61. ..agony with a spike up his bottom."Copy !req
62. 'Tis ever with the Black Monks!Copy !req
63. Scream and gurgle as they skewered
his catflap for want of a farthing!Copy !req
64. I think you get my message.Copy !req
65. Tell me, Bishop, let me just
test the waters here, so to speak.Copy !req
66. Supposing I was to say to you:Copy !req
67. I'm a friend of the Queen's
and I think she would like to hear...Copy !req
68. ..about you, Mollie and the wimple.
Why don't we just call it quits, Fatso?Copy !req
69. I would say, firstly,
the Queen would not believe you.Copy !req
70. And secondly, you'll regret
calling me Fatso later today!Copy !req
71. I will have my money by Evensong tonight or...Copy !req
72. Your bottom will wish it had never been born!Copy !req
73. Poor Tom's cold!
Pity poor Tom for his nose is frozen.Copy !req
74. And he does shiver, and he's mad!Copy !req
75. Oh, shut up!Copy !req
76. So, lads. I'm up a certain creek
without a certain instrument.Copy !req
77. Either I raise a thousand pounds
by this evening, or I get murdered.Copy !req
78. It's obvious. You'll have to get murdered.Copy !req
79. - You'll never raise that sort of money.
- Come now, Baldrick.Copy !req
80. A thousand? Pay the fellow,
Edmund, and damn his impudence.Copy !req
81. I haven't got a thousand, dunghead!
I've got 85 quid.Copy !req
82. You're always boasting to the Queen
about how wealthy you are.Copy !req
83. A cunning web of deceit, subtly spun
about the court to improve my standing.Copy !req
84. - Do you mean you've been...fibbing?
- Yep.Copy !req
85. My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers.Copy !req
86. I consider myself one of England's finest liars.Copy !req
87. A giant hummingbird
is about to eat your hat and cloak!Copy !req
88. You see? I'm terrific at it.Copy !req
89. It seems to have gone now.Copy !req
90. Couldn't you just dip into the family fortune?Copy !req
91. My father blew it all on wine,
women and amateur dramatics.Copy !req
92. At the end he was eking a living
doing impressions of Anne of Cleeves.Copy !req
93. Edmund, I am sorry. I had no idea.Copy !req
94. I have some small savings
harvested from my weekly allowance...Copy !req
95. ..set aside against my frail old age.Copy !req
96. But lucky haps, it is just over a thousand...Copy !req
97. ..and has been hidden beyond the wit
of any thief, in an old sock...Copy !req
98. ..under the squeaky floorboard
behind the kitchen dresser!Copy !req
99. - You've seen it!
- Seen it, pinched it, spent it.Copy !req
100. The same goes for the two farthings
Baldrick thinks he has hidden.Copy !req
101. Then you are doomed. Alas.Copy !req
102. For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet...Copy !req
103. ..and tell sad stories.Copy !req
104. When Lord Blackadder is in trouble,
he does not sit about.Copy !req
105. You won't be able to sit
with a spike up your bottom.Copy !req
106. But still, I've got 85 quid and that's a start.Copy !req
107. I'll think of something
as long as I'm not disturbed.Copy !req
108. The Queen dost demand your
urgent presence on pain of death.Copy !req
109. The path of my life...Copy !req
110. ..is strewn with cowpats
from the Devil's own satanic herd!Copy !req
111. - Madam, you sent for me.
- Did I?Copy !req
112. I can't remember.Copy !req
113. What a naughty scatterbrain I am! Zap!Copy !req
114. Well, perhaps, Ma'am,
if I might be allowed to withdraw.Copy !req
115. Certainly.Copy !req
116. - That was a terrific joke, wasn't it?
- Magnificent!Copy !req
117. What, my Lady?Copy !req
118. I do know why I wanted to see you,
I pretended I didn't. I fooled you.Copy !req
119. And it worked brilliantly, didn't it?Copy !req
120. It was terrific, Madam.Copy !req
121. I thank God I wore my corset,
because I think my sides have split.Copy !req
122. So, why did you want to see me?Copy !req
123. To crack the lovely joke.Copy !req
124. Or perhaps you don't think
the Queen's jokes are funny enough?Copy !req
125. Au contraire.
I'm ecstatic about the whole incident.Copy !req
126. I didn't laugh out loud
because I was afraid if I did...Copy !req
127. ..my head would've fallen off.Copy !req
128. If you don't start soon, your head will fall off!Copy !req
129. Now pay Melchy his 85 pounds and run along.Copy !req
130. - 85 pounds?
- We had a bet.Copy !req
131. I said you wouldn't fall for my trick,
Melchy said you would...Copy !req
132. ..because I'm so super and you're so stupid.Copy !req
133. You owe him 85 pounds.Copy !req
134. Fine, fine. I mean, it's only money, isn't it?Copy !req
135. I cannot believe it! She drags me
all the way from Billingsgate...Copy !req
136. ..to play about the weakest practical joke...Copy !req
137. ..since Cardinal Wolsey got
his knob out at Hampton Court...Copy !req
138. ..and stood at the end of the passage
pretending to be a door.Copy !req
139. Shut up, Baldrick. You'd laugh
at a Shakespeare comedy.Copy !req
140. Edmund! I've awaited your return.Copy !req
141. And thank God you did, for I was thinking:Copy !req
142. I die in 12 hours. What I really need
now is a hug from a complete prat!Copy !req
143. But fear not, I have a plan to save
the life of my dear friend.Copy !req
144. Look, I'm not interested in
your friends! What about me?Copy !req
145. Not bad, Edmund. That's a good one.Copy !req
146. What's your big plan, blockhead?Copy !req
147. I intend to discover, this afternoon,
the secret of alchemy.Copy !req
148. The hidden art of turning base things into gold.Copy !req
149. The fact that this secret has
eluded the most intelligent people...Copy !req
150. ..doesn't dampen your spirits?Copy !req
151. Oh no. I like a challenge.Copy !req
152. Well, Balders, I lost 85 quid.Copy !req
153. The grave opens up before me
like a... big hole in the ground.Copy !req
154. Well, I did have one idea, my lord.
But it's stupid.Copy !req
155. What is it?Copy !req
156. I have heard there's good money
to be made down the docks.Copy !req
157. Doing favours for sailors.Copy !req
158. Favours? What do you mean?Copy !req
159. Delivering messages, sewing on buttons?Copy !req
160. - Not quite.
- Baldrick!Copy !req
161. Are you suggesting I become a rent boy?Copy !req
162. Well, a good-looking bloke like you.
Posh accent, nice legs...Copy !req
163. Just stick a pink carnation
in your hat and make the old sign.Copy !req
164. I'd rather die.Copy !req
165. That's all right then.
I'll put the kettle on while we wait.Copy !req
166. On second thoughts...Copy !req
167. With a slight alteration, your
sick and sordid plan might just work.Copy !req
168. Give me a kiss and I'll give you a penny.Copy !req
169. - A penny?!
- All right then, tuppence!Copy !req
170. - Oh, all right, go on.
- Nothing fancy, just a peck.Copy !req
171. I miss my mum, you see.
When I was little, my mum used to...Copy !req
172. Look, get a move on. He's
a prostitute, not an agony aunt!Copy !req
173. Just a little peck on the cheek, and say:Copy !req
174. "There, there, Arthur. Mummy'll kiss
it better and you shall have a story."Copy !req
175. Well, I don't know.
Do you do requests, Baldrick?Copy !req
176. - Kinky stuff? Yeah, I'm game.
- Go on, please.Copy !req
177. I miss my mother so much.
I mean, she was like a mother to me!Copy !req
178. I've forgotten what I'm supposed to say.Copy !req
179. There, there, Arthur. Mummy'll kiss
it better and you shall have a story.Copy !req
180. - What kind of story?
- One about a squirrel, I suppose.Copy !req
181. And then Squirry the Squirrel went...Copy !req
182. And they all went home for tea.Copy !req
183. Thanks very much, me ol' shivering mateys!Copy !req
184. How much do you charge for a good hard shag?Copy !req
185. - A thousand pounds.
- You've got to be joking!Copy !req
186. Well, I'm sure we could negotiate.Copy !req
187. Right, so we've got sixpence.Copy !req
188. All we need to do, my lord...Copy !req
189. ..is to go down the cockfights
and put it on a bird that's a dead cert...Copy !req
190. ..but has got odds of forty thousand to one.Copy !req
191. - Know you of such a bird?
- No, but we could make one.Copy !req
192. No, we couldn't, Baldrick.Copy !req
193. I suppose you have to be told some time.Copy !req
194. What happens is:
a mummy bird and a daddy bird...Copy !req
195. ..who love each other, get certain urges...Copy !req
196. What I mean is:
we could get a mad wild killer bull...Copy !req
197. ..and disguise it as a bird.Copy !req
198. It'll be such a strange-looking bird
that no-one will back it.Copy !req
199. We'll know it's a killer bull
so we'll put money on it.Copy !req
200. - Only we will know?
- If we stick enough feathers on it...Copy !req
201. ..and hang an egg between its legs.Copy !req
202. A chat with you
and somehow death loses its sting.Copy !req
203. The Queen dost demand
your presence on pain of death.Copy !req
204. You're not making friends here,
you do know that?Copy !req
205. Madam, you sent for me again.Copy !req
206. Yes, Edmund.Copy !req
207. I wanted to apologise
for the silly trick I played on you.Copy !req
208. It was naughty and bad of me.Copy !req
209. It was, my little rosebud.Copy !req
210. If you weren't quite so big,
it'd be time for Mr and Mrs Spank.Copy !req
211. Thank you, Nursie. And thank you, Edmund.Copy !req
212. - That's all.
- Yes, thanks for coming.Copy !req
213. That was very funny too, wasn't it?Copy !req
214. My Lady?Copy !req
215. Dragging you all the way here again
just to say sorry for the first time.Copy !req
216. It was Melchett's idea.
I think it's wonderful, don't you?Copy !req
217. Melchett, I prostrate myself at the feet
of the world's greatest comedian.Copy !req
218. Oh, you are super, Edmund.Copy !req
219. I promised Lord Melchett
that I would play with him.Copy !req
220. But we have no coin. Do you have a halfpenny?Copy !req
221. Unfortunately, only a sixpence. What a shame!Copy !req
222. - A sixpence will do just as well.
- Oh, good!Copy !req
223. It stinks like a pair of armoured trousers
after the Hundred Years War!Copy !req
224. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?Copy !req
225. My lord! Success!Copy !req
226. After literally an hour's ceaseless searching...Copy !req
227. ..I have succeeded in creating gold. Pure gold!Copy !req
228. - Are you sure?
- Yes, my lord.Copy !req
229. Behold!Copy !req
230. Percy, it's green.Copy !req
231. That's right, my lord.Copy !req
232. I don't want to be pedantic.
But the colour of gold is gold.Copy !req
233. That's why it's called gold.
What you've discovered...Copy !req
234. ..if it has a name, is some green.Copy !req
235. Oh, Edmund, can it be true?Copy !req
236. That I hold here, in my mortal hand...Copy !req
237. ..a nugget of purest green?Copy !req
238. Indeed you do. Except, it's not only
a nugget as it is more of a splat.Copy !req
239. Well, yes. A splat today,
but tomorrow, who knows?Copy !req
240. Or dares to dream!Copy !req
241. We three alone in all the world
can create the finest green at will.Copy !req
242. Thus so! I'm not sure
of counting in Baldrick, actually.Copy !req
243. You know what your
great discovery means, don't you?Copy !req
244. That you, Percy... Lord Percy, are an utter berk.Copy !req
245. Baldrick! Pack my bags.
I'm going to sell the house.Copy !req
246. There's nothing else for it.Copy !req
247. I shall miss the old place, I know.Copy !req
248. I've had some happy times here,
when you and Percy have been out.Copy !req
249. But needs must
when the Devil vomits into your kettle.Copy !req
250. Baldrick, go forth and say that
Blackadder wishes to sell his house.Copy !req
251. Percy, just go forth.Copy !req
252. - And this is the den.
- Oh, dear.Copy !req
253. But I have to tell you, Mr Pants...Copy !req
254. ..that I've had an extremely
encouraging nibble from another client.Copy !req
255. You know me well enough to know
that I don't ignore a nibble for long.Copy !req
256. I noticed some dry rot
in the bedrooms, Timothy.Copy !req
257. Well, Mrs Pants, dry rot is as dry rot does.Copy !req
258. - Stop me if I'm getting too technical.
- The floors are a little uneven.Copy !req
259. Indeed yes, Madam, and at no extra cost!Copy !req
260. - Strange smell.
- That's the servant, he'll be gone.Copy !req
261. You've really worked out
your banter, haven't you?Copy !req
262. Not really. This is a different thing.
It's spontaneous and it's called wit.Copy !req
263. - And the privies?
- When the master craftsman...Copy !req
264. ..was looking at the sewage, he said to himself:Copy !req
265. "Romeo, let's make them
functional, and comfortable."Copy !req
266. - That seems nice, dear.
- I think we understand each other.Copy !req
267. - It's sold then. Drink?
- What about the privies?Copy !req
268. Well, what we're talking about in privy terms...Copy !req
269. ..is the very latest in
front-wall, fresh-air orifices...Copy !req
270. ..combined with a wide-capacity
gutter installation below.Copy !req
271. You mean you crap out of the window.Copy !req
272. Yes!Copy !req
273. Well! In that case, we'll definitely take it!Copy !req
274. I can't stand those dirty indoor things.Copy !req
275. There! That's the lot.Copy !req
276. He only wanted to pay a thousand,
but I beat him up to eleven hundred.Copy !req
277. - You wily old trickster, you!
- I only named the price.Copy !req
278. It was Baldrick who actually beat him up.Copy !req
279. Percy, what is that on the front of your tunic?Copy !req
280. 'Tis a brooch, my lord. A brooch
cunningly fashioned from pure green.Copy !req
281. It looks like you've sneezed.Copy !req
282. It is with trinkets such as
this brooch, and here, a ring...Copy !req
283. ..that I intend to revive your fortunes
and buy back your house.Copy !req
284. You think there's a big market
for jewellry that looks like snot?Copy !req
285. The eyes are open, the mouth moves,
but Mr Brain has long since departed.Copy !req
286. - My lord.
- Messenger, thank God.Copy !req
287. We couldn't have waited
another second without you.Copy !req
288. - Majesty!
- Thank God. Terrible news!Copy !req
289. The French intend to invade, Blackadder.Copy !req
290. So I need some money.Copy !req
291. Yes, every nobleman must pay 500 pounds.Copy !req
292. But we've decided to make you a special case.Copy !req
293. Melchy hasn't got a bean,
so we thought, as you're so wealthy...Copy !req
294. ..you could pay for both!Copy !req
295. I have a cash-flow crisis
and haven't got any money on me.Copy !req
296. - But, Edmund...
- Sorry!Copy !req
297. What's that in your tights?Copy !req
298. It looks like just over a thousand pounds.Copy !req
299. - So it is.
- You said you didn't have any.Copy !req
300. I thought you meant "real" money.
This is just a bit of loose change.Copy !req
301. A thousand pounds
loose in your tights... That's flash!Copy !req
302. OK, hand it over. Thanks. Bye.Copy !req
303. Well, goodbye indeed.Copy !req
304. Goodbye, Ma'am. Goodbye, Melchett.Copy !req
305. Goodbye, Nursie.Copy !req
306. Bye!Copy !req
307. Silly old Edmund! He was completely fooled.Copy !req
308. - That was a brilliant joke, Melchy.
- Brilliant, Ma'am!Copy !req
309. And now I'm going to have you executed.Copy !req
310. It's for taking the mickey out of
my dear Edmund so cruelly.Copy !req
311. - I'm gonna knock your block off.
- Majesty, I only intended to please!Copy !req
312. Oh, please! I so want to live!Copy !req
313. Praise the Lord for the gift of laughter!Copy !req
314. I've lost the money.
I'm going to have to run away.Copy !req
315. - Why, my lord?
- To avoid these monks!Copy !req
316. No point. The Black Bank's
got branches everywhere.Copy !req
317. If I die, Baldrick, do you think people
would remember me?Copy !req
318. People would be slapping
each other on the shoulders...Copy !req
319. ..and saying:
"Do you remember old Privy-breath?"Copy !req
320. Do people call me "Privy-breath"?Copy !req
321. - The ones who like you.
- Am I then not popular?Copy !req
322. When people slip in
what dogs have left in the street...Copy !req
323. ..they do tend to say:
"Whoops, I've trod on an Edmund".Copy !req
324. Bloody cheek! I'll show them.Copy !req
325. Have you got a plan, my lord?Copy !req
326. Yes. It's so cunning
you could brush your teeth with it.Copy !req
327. All I need is some feathers,
a dress, some oil, an easel...Copy !req
328. ..lots of paper, a prostitute and
the best portrait painter in England.Copy !req
329. The most famous portrait painter
in England: Mr Leonardo Acropolis!Copy !req
330. - Right, are you any good?
- No! I am...a genius!Copy !req
331. Well, you'd better be, or you're dead!Copy !req
332. Right, in the bedroom, Beardface.
Baldrick, get the door.Copy !req
333. My lord, the Bishop of Bath and Wells.Copy !req
334. The time has come, Blackadder!Copy !req
335. The Black Monks will have their money.Copy !req
336. Or I will have my fun.Copy !req
337. - You enjoy your work, don't you?
- Bits of it, yes.Copy !req
338. - The violent bits.
- Yes.Copy !req
339. You see, I am a colossal pervert.Copy !req
340. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me.Copy !req
341. Animal, vegetable or mineral...
I'll do anything to anything.Copy !req
342. Fine words for a Bishop.Copy !req
343. Nice to hear the Church speaking out
on social issues for a change.Copy !req
344. - Have you got the money?
- Nope.Copy !req
345. Good. I hate it when people pay up.Copy !req
346. Say your prayers, Blackadder. It's poker time!Copy !req
347. Fine. Are you ever concerned
that people might find you out?Copy !req
348. No. I kill, I maim, I fornicate.Copy !req
349. As far as my flock is concerned my
only vice is a tipple before Evensong.Copy !req
350. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
351. Bend over, Blackadder!Copy !req
352. This is where you get... Drugged by God!Copy !req
353. No, by Baldrick,
but the effect is much the same.Copy !req
354. Wakey, wakey, Bish.
You clerics really are slugabeds.Copy !req
355. - Where am I? I remember...drugged.
- That's right.Copy !req
356. You should have killed me
while you had the chance.Copy !req
357. You have looked in wonder
at your last dawn, Blackadder!Copy !req
358. I'm not so sure. I did wonder
what people who saw this might think.Copy !req
359. Heavens above,
what creatures from Hell are those?Copy !req
360. They make an interesting couple?
I think you'll recognise...Copy !req
361. ..this huge, sweating
mound of blubber here, Fatso.Copy !req
362. There's no point.
We have the preliminary sketches.Copy !req
363. We'll soon make some copies. One
for the Queen, one for the Archbishop.Copy !req
364. And a couple to form the basis of
an exhibition of a young artist's work.Copy !req
365. By the horns of Beelzebub,
how did you get me into that position?Copy !req
366. Beautifully framed, don't you think?
It's exactly what happened to you.Copy !req
367. Never have I encountered such
corrupt and foul-minded perversity!Copy !req
368. Have you ever considered
a career in the Church?Copy !req
369. No, I could never get used to the underwear.Copy !req
370. I could use eleven hundred pounds
to buy back my house,Copy !req
371. four thousand pounds
to cover some sundry expences...Copy !req
372. ..and thruppence for a celebratory
binge at Mrs Miggins' pie shop.Copy !req
373. Yes, but first, one question:
Who is the second figure?Copy !req
374. Who could you have got
to have performed such deeds,Copy !req
375. to have plunged the depths of
degradation just to save your filthy life?Copy !req
376. Percy, may I introduce His Grace,
the Bishop of Bath and Wells.Copy !req
377. Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy,
heir to the Duchy of Northumberland.Copy !req
378. Hello.Copy !req
379. It was lovely working with you.Copy !req
380. # Take heed the moral of this tale
Be not a borrower or lenderCopy !req
381. # And ifyour finances do fail
Make sure your banker's not a benderCopy !req
382. # Blackadder, Blackadder
He trusted in the ChurchCopy !req
383. # Blackadder, Blackadder
It left him in the lurchCopy !req
384. # Blackadder, Blackadder
His life was almost doneCopy !req
385. # Blackadder, Blackadder
Who gives a toss? No-one.Copy !req
386. Download Movie Subtitles Searcher from www.OpenSubtitles.orgCopy !req