1. As the good Lord said,
"Love thy neighbour as thyself..."Copy !req
2. Unless he's Turkish,
in which case, "Kill the bastard!"Copy !req
3. - Farewell, dear Harry.
- Farewell, Father.Copy !req
4. And his slimy son Edmund
to do the tasks most befitting him.Copy !req
5. Edward.Copy !req
6. My Lord...Copy !req
7. - With the King gone...
- Hmm?Copy !req
8. Of course!Copy !req
9. At last, the chance
for some real power!Copy !req
10. On! Onward! I want you scum back
to the castle by sundownCopy !req
11. or you'll be slaughtered!
Onward!Copy !req
12. Come on! Come on!Copy !req
13. Shut up! And you can
keep quiet, all right.Copy !req
14. I've just about
had enough of you.Copy !req
15. Shut up!Copy !req
16. Right, come on, you...
Where are you going?Copy !req
17. Stop! Where are you going?Copy !req
18. No, not away from the castle,
towards it!Copy !req
19. Shut up!Copy !req
20. Splendid! Splendid!Copy !req
21. Now, look. You're not
supposed to be here!Copy !req
22. That's far enough.
Now, get out!Copy !req
23. If I could get my hands
on that bastard brother, Harry!Copy !req
24. Ah! Edmund!Copy !req
25. Ah! Edmund!Copy !req
26. Ah! There you are! Splendid news,
Edmund! Father's coming home!Copy !req
27. He writes here that
he'll be back by St Leonard's Day.Copy !req
28. Excellent. So we can celebrate
both events together. Now, then...Copy !req
29. I shall handle
the visiting royalty, of course,Copy !req
30. and the guards of honour
and the papal legate,Copy !req
31. and you can, uh...
You can sort out the frolics.Copy !req
32. - The frolics?
- Yes.Copy !req
33. The Morris dancers,
the eunuchs and the bearded women.Copy !req
34. You know, the traditional
St Leonard's Day entertainments.Copy !req
35. Oh, damnation! No, I don't thinkCopy !req
36. I'm gonna have enough time
to attend to the drains.Copy !req
37. Edmund! You'll have
to look into those as well.Copy !req
38. Er... Yes, yes.Copy !req
39. - Fine, fine, I'd be honoured!
- Good!Copy !req
40. You won't let me down now,
will you?Copy !req
41. No, no, no, no. No, I'm really
looking forward to it already.Copy !req
42. - Thank you so very much.
- Splendid!Copy !req
43. Twelve months of chasing sheep
and straightening the royal portraits,Copy !req
44. and now this.Copy !req
45. The bastard!Copy !req
46. The bastard!Copy !req
47. If only he were, My Lord.Copy !req
48. - What?
- If only he were a bastard, My Lord,Copy !req
49. then you would be Regent now.Copy !req
50. Ah, yes! And then one day...Copy !req
51. You would be king, My Lord.Copy !req
52. Ah, yes!Copy !req
53. Yes, I would be king.Copy !req
54. And then what?Copy !req
55. You'd rule the world,
My Lord!Copy !req
56. Precisely!Copy !req
57. It's just not fair, you know.Copy !req
58. Every other damn woman
in the court has bastard sonsCopy !req
59. but not my mother, oh no.Copy !req
60. She's so damn pure,Copy !req
61. she daren't look down in case
she notices her own breasts.Copy !req
62. You must be so looking forward
to the King's return, Your Majesty.Copy !req
63. No.Copy !req
64. No, my lady?Copy !req
65. But think, he will come to your chamber
and make mad, passionate love to you.Copy !req
66. Yes. I wish he wouldn't do that.Copy !req
67. It's very difficult to sleep
with that kind of thing going on.Copy !req
68. Being used all night long,
like the outside of a sausage roll.Copy !req
69. Still, we've got
the St Leonard's Day celebrationsCopy !req
70. to look forward to...Copy !req
71. The jesters, the jugglers...Copy !req
72. A great brown ox,
steaming and smouldering all night long.Copy !req
73. Oh, yes! The feast!Copy !req
74. Sorry? No, I was thinking
of something else.Copy !req
75. I particularly hope they've
got the Morris dancers. I love them.Copy !req
76. Yes. I like the eunuchs.Copy !req
77. Oh, yes! The eunuchs!Copy !req
78. Ah! I wish I owned one.Copy !req
79. I wish I'd married one.Copy !req
80. No, fine, fine.Copy !req
81. Could have happened to anyone.
Never mind, never mind.Copy !req
82. Oh, God.
I don't believe it.Copy !req
83. We've only got one act,
and she's shaved her beard off.Copy !req
84. - There's always the eunuchs, My Lord.
- Oh, yes. So...Copy !req
85. The eunuchs and the amazing
beardless woman. What a line-up!Copy !req
86. Percy, there must be
someone else! There must be. Look!Copy !req
87. Ah, those are
the Jumping Jews of Jerusalem, My Lord.Copy !req
88. What do they do?Copy !req
89. - They jump, My Lord.
- What?Copy !req
90. They come in, My Lord,
and they jump. A lot.Copy !req
91. It's a humourous act.Copy !req
92. There must be something else, surely.Copy !req
93. Ha! What's this?
"The Death of the Pharaoh.Copy !req
94. "Sir Dominic Prick and his Magnificent
Strolling WooferooniesCopy !req
95. "perform the tragic ancient Egyptian
masterpiece The Death of the Pharaoh.”Copy !req
96. That sounds funny.Copy !req
97. Oh, no, no, no.
I found that very moving, My Lord.Copy !req
98. Well, it'd better be funny, or Prick
will get his comeuppance,Copy !req
99. I can tell you!Copy !req
100. My Lord, what about Gerry Merry weather
and his four chickens?Copy !req
101. - What do they do? Lay eggs?
- Yes, My Lord.Copy !req
102. All right, all right.
We'll have them. We'll have them.Copy !req
103. Post.Copy !req
104. What... What is it, My Lord?Copy !req
105. The eunuchs have cancelled.Copy !req
106. Oh, dear.Copy !req
107. Ha! I should have known!
Never trust a eunuch!Copy !req
108. - What are we gonna do?
- I know what I'm gonna do.Copy !req
109. Baldrick, give me
an execution order.Copy !req
110. I'm gonna teach them a lesson
they'll never forget.Copy !req
111. I'll remove whatever extraneous parts
of their bodies still remain!Copy !req
112. My Lord...Copy !req
113. Take that
to the Lord Chancellor. Thank you.Copy !req
114. Oh, God. This is desperate!
Desperate!Copy !req
115. We could have
the Morris dancers, My Lord.Copy !req
116. Now, look.
We are not that desperate.Copy !req
117. Morris dancing is the most fatuous,
tenth-rate entertainmentCopy !req
118. ever devised by man.Copy !req
119. Forty effeminate blacksmiths
waving bits of clothCopy !req
120. they've just wiped their noses on!Copy !req
121. How it's still going
on in this day and age, I'll never know.Copy !req
122. Sorry, so do you want them,
or not?Copy !req
123. Ah, Edmund.Copy !req
124. - And rest.
- Oh, splendid.Copy !req
125. How are the rest
of the entertainments coming along?Copy !req
126. Oh, um, very, very well indeed.Copy !req
127. Um... I think it's going
to have a slightly spartan look.Copy !req
128. What? Greek?Copy !req
129. - Er... Yes, that's right. Yes, a Greek.
- Oh, good.Copy !req
130. - Oh, everyone turning up?
- Oh, absolutely everyone.Copy !req
131. Um, so many people, in fact,Copy !req
132. that I'm afraid I've had
to let the eunuchs go.Copy !req
133. Oh, no, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
134. - No?
- No! That won't do at all!Copy !req
135. Not on St Leonard's Day.Copy !req
136. Because... Well, correct me
if I'm wrong, Lord Percy, but...Copy !req
137. Uh, St Leonard himself
was an eunuch.Copy !req
138. Yes, that's right.Copy !req
139. Well, that's why I thought
it might be more tactful...Copy !req
140. Oh, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
141. To leave out the eunuchs
on St Leonard's Day would be like...Copy !req
142. Well, it would be like leaving out
the Morris dancers or the bearded women!Copy !req
143. Besides, Lord Dougal McAngus,
the King's Supreme Commander,Copy !req
144. is expected at the feast,Copy !req
145. and as you know eunuchs
are his particular favourite.Copy !req
146. - Mmm.
- He's Scottish, you see.Copy !req
147. Ah.Copy !req
148. Good, good. Well, I'm relying on you,
Edmund. Carry on!Copy !req
149. So! Some carrot-faced, thistle-arsed,Copy !req
150. Scottish old rag-a-tag
wants a eunuch, does he?Copy !req
151. Apparently, he's a great warrior,
My Lord.Copy !req
152. Oh, yes.
That's what they all say.Copy !req
153. Those Scots...
They're just barbarians!Copy !req
154. - Half of them can't even speak English.
- What do they speak?Copy !req
155. - I don't know. It's all Greek to me.
- Oh, do you speak Greek?Copy !req
156. No. I mean
it sounds like Greek.Copy !req
157. Well, if it sounds like Greek,
then it probably is Greek.Copy !req
158. It's not Greek.Copy !req
159. But it sounds like Greek.Copy !req
160. "What's not Greek, but sounds
like Greek?" That's a good one, My Lord.Copy !req
161. Look it's not meant to be
a brain teaser, Percy.Copy !req
162. I've been telling you that I cannot
understand a blind word they're saying.Copy !req
163. No wonder, My Lord.
You never learned Greek, of course.Copy !req
164. Percy, have you ever wondered
what your inside would look like?Copy !req
165. Sometimes, My Lord, yes.Copy !req
166. I'd be perfectly willing
to satisfy your curiosity.Copy !req
167. Is that clear? Is it?Copy !req
168. Oh, my God, this Scotsman's
beginning to annoy me already.Copy !req
169. I'm the Duke of Edinburgh, you know!Copy !req
170. And Laird of Roxburgh,
Selkirk and Peebles.Copy !req
171. I can make things
very difficult for him.Copy !req
172. As for these entertainments...
Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
173. Baldrick, you've got a beard.Copy !req
174. Go and get yourself a nice dress.Copy !req
175. - Oh, great, My Lord!
- Percy!Copy !req
176. You'd better go and get Bernard
the bear-batter.Copy !req
177. - Yes, My Lord.
- Looks like we'll be needing him.Copy !req
178. - Uh, Percy.
- Yes, My Lord?Copy !req
179. Tell him to bring a bear this time.Copy !req
180. The improvising last year was pathetic.Copy !req
181. Now then, Mother.
A toast to Father's return.Copy !req
182. What the devil...Copy !req
183. - Dougal McAngus!
- Oh, but of course!Copy !req
184. Noble Harry, Prince of Wales,Copy !req
185. Dougal McAngus greets you and lays at
your feet the spoils of an enemy at war.Copy !req
186. Oh, sorry, that's, er...
That's my overnight bag.Copy !req
187. Behold! Treasures torn
from the torsos of a Turk.Copy !req
188. Oh, McAngus! It fills me
with joy and hope to see you.Copy !req
189. What news of my father, the King?Copy !req
190. Oh, when I last saw him, he swore
he'd be back by the feast of St Leonard,Copy !req
191. - or die in the attempt.
- God forfend!Copy !req
192. We shall pray for his safe passage.
Join us.Copy !req
193. Join us. You must be starving.Copy !req
194. - And young Lochinvar?
- Oh, yes. And him, too.Copy !req
195. Come on, Lochinvar!Copy !req
196. You must be the King's
wee bit of rumpy-pumpy.Copy !req
197. - I am the Queen.
- Aye, aye. I've got a message for you.Copy !req
198. My father asked me
to send his regards to you.Copy !req
199. Do I know him?Copy !req
200. Oh, I think
you can say that. Yes.Copy !req
201. He's Donal McAngus,
third Duke of Argyll.Copy !req
202. Oh!Copy !req
203. Ah, Edmund! There you are!Copy !req
204. McAngus, this is the man
who is providingCopy !req
205. the entertainments for us tomorrow.Copy !req
206. Ah, the eunuch!Copy !req
207. Here. There's a groat
for your trouble.Copy !req
208. Uh... I am not a eunuch.Copy !req
209. Well, you sound like one to me.Copy !req
210. I am not a eunuch.
I am the Duke of Edinburgh.Copy !req
211. - Oh, you are, are you?
- Yes!Copy !req
212. Same old story, eh?Copy !req
213. Duke of Edinburgh, and as Scottish
as the Queen of England's tits!Copy !req
214. Sorry, uh...
No offence, Your Majesty.Copy !req
215. I'm sorry...
You're in my chair.Copy !req
216. Don't apologise.Copy !req
217. Well, now we've all
got to know each other,Copy !req
218. I have rather
a special announcement to make.Copy !req
219. Don't tell me,
you're a eunuch as well?Copy !req
220. McAngus, as reward for
your heroic deeds in battle,Copy !req
221. my father here empowers me to grant you
anything that you may desire of me.Copy !req
222. If he's got any sense,
he'll ask for a haircut.Copy !req
223. Brother, I'm honoured.
All I ask for is a scrap of land.Copy !req
224. Grant me fair Selkirk
and the noble shire of Roxburgh.Copy !req
225. - What?
- Very well. By the power vested in me...Copy !req
226. Oh, excuse me, um, I'm sorry
to dip my little fly in your ointmentCopy !req
227. but those lands
do, in fact, belong to me.Copy !req
228. Yes?Copy !req
229. Well, so... Perhaps he'd like
to choose somewhere else.Copy !req
230. - McAngus?
- No, no. I'll have Roxburgh and Selkirk.Copy !req
231. But that leaves me with Peebles!Copy !req
232. - Oh, aye! And Peebles.
- But, but...Copy !req
233. Are you trying to say something, Edmund?Copy !req
234. Well, I don't know.
I mean, some people might say,Copy !req
235. "Well, what an absurd idea, giving away
half of Scotland to a kilted maniac,Copy !req
236. "for slaughtering a couple
of syphilitic Turks..."Copy !req
237. Au contraire, I say,Copy !req
238. "Let's reward him."Copy !req
239. Good, good. So be it.Copy !req
240. Hurray!Copy !req
241. I'm going to kill him.
And I'm going to kill him now!Copy !req
242. - Who, My Lord?
- That stinking Scottish weasel.Copy !req
243. Why, My Lord?Copy !req
244. Because he's a thieving
stinking Scottish weasel, that's why.Copy !req
245. - How?
- I'm gonna stab him.Copy !req
246. - Where?
- In the Great Hall and in the bladder.Copy !req
247. But if you do it in front of everybody,
won't they suspect something?Copy !req
248. Yes.Copy !req
249. Yes, a drawback.Copy !req
250. Yes, perhaps we need somethingCopy !req
251. a little more cunning.Copy !req
252. I have a cunning plan.Copy !req
253. Yes, perhaps.
But I think I have a more cunning one.Copy !req
254. Mine's pretty cunning, My Lord.Copy !req
255. Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.Copy !req
256. Depends on how cunning
you mean, My Lord.Copy !req
257. Well, then, pretty damn cunning!
How cunning do you think I mean?Copy !req
258. Oh, mine's quite cunning, My Lord.Copy !req
259. All right, then let's hear it.
Let's hear what's so damn cunning!Copy !req
260. All right. Well, first of all,
you get him to come with you.Copy !req
261. Oh, yes. Very cunning.
Brilliantly cunning.Copy !req
262. I ask him to come with me,
then stab him, perhaps?Copy !req
263. - How cunning can you get?
- No, My Lord.Copy !req
264. - You get this enormous great cannon...
- Oh, I see, take him outside,Copy !req
265. get him to stick his head down a cannon,
then blow it off!Copy !req
266. - Yeah, yeah.
- Yes! Oh yes, Baldrick, that's...Copy !req
267. A wonderful idea.Copy !req
268. No, I think I have a plan
that will give us a little more...Copy !req
269. Entertainment.Copy !req
270. Ahhh!Copy !req
271. Can I help ye?Copy !req
272. Erm, er, no.
No, I'm fine, thank you.Copy !req
273. Good.Copy !req
274. - I'm not in your way over here, am I?
- No.Copy !req
275. Oh, there is just, er, one thing.Copy !req
276. Erm, I was wondering if you could
do me a little favour.Copy !req
277. Uh-huh?Copy !req
278. Erm, I was wondering if you'd like
to help with the celebrations tonight.Copy !req
279. How? By staying away, do you mean?Copy !req
280. Whoa!Copy !req
281. Erm... Well...Copy !req
282. Thing is, erm, we were hoping
to present a mystery playCopy !req
283. by one of our leading
thespianic troupesCopy !req
284. erm, but, unfortunately,
one of their number is ill, erm...Copy !req
285. And I thought you'd be
the perfect person to take his place.Copy !req
286. Well, I warn ye...Copy !req
287. I'm no actor.Copy !req
288. Well, there shouldn't be
much acting required.Copy !req
289. Erm...Copy !req
290. It's an ancient Egyptian piece...Copy !req
291. Er, called
The Death of the Scotsman.Copy !req
292. I'll have a crack at it.Copy !req
293. You, er...Copy !req
294. You can play the Scotsman,
if you like,Copy !req
295. who... Who dies
at the end of the play.Copy !req
296. Oh, acting dead?
That I can do.Copy !req
297. Yes, well, as I say...Copy !req
298. There may not be
much acting required.Copy !req
299. Oh, and mind the weasel pit.Copy !req
300. Percy!Copy !req
301. Tall as a tree! Let's see those branches
waving and swaying in the breeze.Copy !req
302. Tall, tall, taller.Copy !req
303. - Now smaller! Small, small, small...
- Ah!Copy !req
304. Baldrick! Have you made
the necessary changes?Copy !req
305. Yes, My Lord.Copy !req
306. McAngus...Copy !req
307. Meet your murderers.Copy !req
308. How did it go?Copy !req
309. Er, not bad,Copy !req
310. but, you know,
I don't really think they understood it.Copy !req
311. We three are gathered
with most bold intent...Copy !req
312. Here, by the banks
of the graceful Nile,Copy !req
313. where camels ride
and deserts blow...Copy !req
314. To spill the blood
of this Scotsman vile.Copy !req
315. What is a Scotsman doing in Egypt?Copy !req
316. I'm not sure, but apparently,
they've had very good reviews.Copy !req
317. See your mother there?Copy !req
318. I met my father
on the way back from France...Copy !req
319. Apparently, him
and your mother used to...Copy !req
320. Now, don't be absurd.Copy !req
321. Such activities are totally
beyond my mother.Copy !req
322. My father only got anywhere
with her because he told herCopy !req
323. it was a cure for diarrhea.Copy !req
324. Don't you believe it.Copy !req
325. I got some letters
that I took from his tent.Copy !req
326. By God, they're hot stuff!Copy !req
327. I tell you, they certainly
cast a wee shadow of doubtCopy !req
328. over the parenthood
of young Harry for a start!Copy !req
329. - Oh, don't be absurd!
- Silence!Copy !req
330. What?Copy !req
331. A bagpipe strums. Behold!Copy !req
332. This way our victim comes.Copy !req
333. - For never...
- Oh, that's my cue. I'm on!Copy !req
334. Letters? Letters?
Where are these letters?Copy !req
335. They're safely hidden away.
I'll show you them later!Copy !req
336. Oh, all right.Copy !req
337. Tutankhamen McPherson,
you come not a whit too soon,Copy !req
338. for is this not the weather fair,
or this the Ides of June?Copy !req
339. Aye, it is.Copy !req
340. What business do you mean?Copy !req
341. Quickly! McAngus is going to die!Copy !req
342. - And not a moment too soon!
- Carrot-faced orangutan!Copy !req
343. - Thieving Scots weasel!
- Death to the Scot!Copy !req
344. No, no, look. No, look.
He knows too much!Copy !req
345. That is why he must die!Copy !req
346. No, look.
He mustn't, he mustn't.Copy !req
347. He has vital information.Copy !req
348. I've changed my mind.
I've changed my mind.Copy !req
349. Oh, my God.
What am I going to do?Copy !req
350. - Stop the show, My Lord.
- But, how? How?Copy !req
351. Well, just say "Stop".Copy !req
352. What's our reason...
What's our reason for stopping the show?Copy !req
353. Because the knives are real,
and McAngus is just about to get killed.Copy !req
354. No, you bastard!Copy !req
355. My Lord. Quick.Copy !req
356. Stop!Copy !req
357. Sorry, I'm late.Copy !req
358. Yes!Copy !req
359. Good. Excellent.
It's certainly my mother's handwriting.Copy !req
360. - When did you say these were written?
- Er, 1460.Copy !req
361. The year my brother was born.Copy !req
362. Baldrick! Get in here.Copy !req
363. Baldrick, get out there,Copy !req
364. and tell everyone that the rest of
the entertainments have been cancelled.Copy !req
365. - Why?
- Why? Because I told you to,Copy !req
366. you silly little runt!Copy !req
367. No. Why have they been
cancelled, My Lord?Copy !req
368. Oh, I see.Copy !req
369. Well, tell them I have
a very important announcement to make.Copy !req
370. Does that mean I have
to take the dress off?Copy !req
371. Oh, get out! Get out!
Get out! Get out! Get out!Copy !req
372. Well, if you played
your cards right, you could become king.Copy !req
373. Oh, yes, one day.Copy !req
374. Ah, sooner than you think, maybe.Copy !req
375. Cos last time I saw your father,
he'd just charged into ConstantinopleCopy !req
376. - and they shut the gates on him.
- No?Copy !req
377. Yes! 10,000 of the Turk
and they're armed with scimitars,Copy !req
378. and your father
with a small knife for peeling fruit.Copy !req
379. Oh, God...Copy !req
380. Gerry Merry weather.Copy !req
381. Another nail
in the coffin of variety.Copy !req
382. I liked Bernard the rabbit-batter.Copy !req
383. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
384. Look, Edmund,
is this announcement going to take long?Copy !req
385. I haven't seen hide nor hair
of a eunuch yet.Copy !req
386. No, don't worry, Harry.
It will soon all be over.Copy !req
387. My dear mother, my dear brother,
lords and ladies of the Court.Copy !req
388. Today there came into my possession
from the hands, My Lord,Copy !req
389. of your faithful servant,
Dougal McAngusCopy !req
390. certain letters,
rather extraordinary lettersCopy !req
391. concerning the lineage
of Prince Harry.Copy !req
392. Letters?Copy !req
393. - What is so extraordinary about them?
- Letters?Copy !req
394. Well, Harry, they were written
by your mother to your father.Copy !req
395. Your father, Harry, being,
of course, Donal, Sir Duke of Argyll.Copy !req
396. I beg your pardon?Copy !req
397. These letters are of quite
an intimate nature.Copy !req
398. Let me give you an example.Copy !req
399. "Arundel, Thursday.
My dear hairy-wairy,Copy !req
400. "Often, as you sit at table
with my husband,Copy !req
401. "probing deeply
into the affairs of state,Copy !req
402. "I long for the day
when you will probe..."Copy !req
403. Edmund!Copy !req
404. Are you sure you know
what you're saying?Copy !req
405. As sure as our mother was,
Harry, when she wrote these words...Copy !req
406. "Dear big-boy, sail south.Copy !req
407. "As you know, your galleon is always
assured a warm welcome in my harbour.”Copy !req
408. "Big-boy!" Mother!
Do you know anything about this?Copy !req
409. Well, what chance did I have?
I was just a little foreign girl.Copy !req
410. Then I must renounce
the regency and hie me to a monastery.Copy !req
411. Edmund, you shall be Regent
until your father returns.Copy !req
412. - The King will not be returning.
- What?Copy !req
413. Oh, dear.Copy !req
414. No. When McAngus last saw him,Copy !req
415. he was facing half the Turkish army,Copy !req
416. armed only with
a small piece of cutlery.Copy !req
417. So, Percy, if you'd like
to start things off...Copy !req
418. The King is dead.
Long live the King.Copy !req
419. The King is dead.
Long live the King.Copy !req
420. Probably dead.Copy !req
421. The King is probably dead.Copy !req
422. Long live the King.
The King is probably dead.Copy !req
423. Long live the King. The King is...Copy !req
424. not dead.
Long live the King. Hurray!Copy !req
425. Blood! Death! War!Copy !req
426. Rumpy-pumpy!Copy !req
427. Triumph!Copy !req
428. McAngus!Copy !req
429. My companion in blood,
and most trusted friend!Copy !req
430. - You made it!
- Yes!Copy !req
431. I made it.
Thanks to my trusty fruit knife.Copy !req
432. Wait a minute.Copy !req
433. What's going on here?Copy !req
434. Who are you?Copy !req
435. He's our son.Copy !req
436. What?Copy !req
437. Oh, yes, of course.Copy !req
438. Enid.Copy !req
439. My beloved father,
certain letters have come to lightCopy !req
440. which might change things
a bit around here.Copy !req
441. Letters? What letters?Copy !req
442. They speak of acts of love
between your wife and Donal,Copy !req
443. the Gay Dog of the Glens.Copy !req
444. "How I long to be in that kingdom
between the saffron sheets,Copy !req
445. "where you and your ruler
are the only ruler...Copy !req
446. - Oh!
- "... and then acts of love consummated,Copy !req
447. "oh, you enormous Scotsman."
Etc, etc.Copy !req
448. These letters are dated
November and December 1460Copy !req
449. which, Harry, in relation to your date
of birth, is precisely nine months...Copy !req
450. After I was born!Copy !req
451. But about nine months
before your birth, Edmund.Copy !req
452. Ergh!Copy !req
453. You bastard!Copy !req
454. No, I think
you're the bastard, Edmund.Copy !req
455. Silence! I want an explanation!Copy !req
456. Er...Copy !req
457. My liege...Copy !req
458. The reason I have
gathered you all here todayCopy !req
459. is to try to get some proper justice
meted out against this Scottish turdCopy !req
460. who has clearly forged
these obviously fake letters.Copy !req
461. - Let me see them!
- No! I rip them up in his faceCopy !req
462. so no hint of their
filthy slander can remain!Copy !req
463. You come in here, fresh from
slaughtering a couple of chocosCopy !req
464. when their backs were turnedCopy !req
465. and think you can upset
the harmony of a whole kingdom?Copy !req
466. - I challenge you to a duel!
- To the death!Copy !req
467. Um... Yes, all right.Copy !req
468. Excellent idea!Copy !req
469. After all,
it is St Leonard's Day...Copy !req
470. There's meant to be some entertainment!Copy !req
471. Good, very good!
Take your places.Copy !req
472. It is nice to see
old Glenshee again, eh, McAngus?Copy !req
473. Reminds me of the time with the three
Turks and the human shish kebab!Copy !req
474. How could I ever forget?Copy !req
475. Very well.
Let the killing begin!Copy !req
476. Let's see the Black Adder
wriggle out of this one!Copy !req
477. Shut up!Copy !req
478. Come on! What's the hold-up?Copy !req
479. Um... I'll give you
everything I own. Everything!Copy !req
480. Ah-ha!Copy !req
481. Erm, I'm hardly a rich man...Copy !req
482. You're hardly a man at all!Copy !req
483. But...Copy !req
484. My horse must be worth 1,000 ducats.Copy !req
485. I can sell my wardrobe,
the pride of my life.Copy !req
486. My swords, my curtains,
my socks and my fighting cocks.Copy !req
487. Oh, my servants,
I can live without...Copy !req
488. Except perhaps
he who oils my rack.Copy !req
489. And then,
my most intimate treasures...Copy !req
490. My collection
of antique cod-pieces,Copy !req
491. my wigs for state occasions,Copy !req
492. my wigs for private occasions,
and my wigsCopy !req
493. for humourous occasions.Copy !req
494. And my collection of pokers,
my grendle-stretchers,Copy !req
495. my ornamental pomfreysCopy !req
496. and of course, my autographed
miniature of Judas Iscariot.Copy !req
497. That's nowhere near enough!Copy !req
498. Ah, I'm only kidding!Copy !req
499. Actually, I'm quite
interested in the wigs.Copy !req
500. Never mind!Copy !req
501. Ah! Hey!Copy !req
502. Hope life doesn't become too dull,Copy !req
503. not being able to pass laws
over Scotland.Copy !req
504. I wouldn't pass water
over Scotland!Copy !req
505. I'm fed up!Copy !req
506. We're all terribly
pleased you're back, Father.Copy !req
507. I'm not.Copy !req
508. I miss the smell of blood
in my nostrils.Copy !req
509. - And the Queen's "got a headache”.
- Oh, dear.Copy !req
510. But we do have
a fascinating week ahead.Copy !req
511. Erm, in fact,
the Archbishop of York has asked meCopy !req
512. if you'd care to join his
formation Italian dance class.Copy !req
513. And I really I ought
to give him an answer.Copy !req
514. Do you want be to be honest,
or tactful?Copy !req
515. Er, tactful, I think.Copy !req
516. - Tell him to get stuffed!
- Right.Copy !req
517. Has that little hooligan
McAngus left?Copy !req
518. Er, no. Edmund's giving him
a last look round the castle now.Copy !req
519. While this...Copy !req
520. Well, I'll be sorry
to see him go.Copy !req
521. Ah, very interesting!Copy !req
522. Yes, and so will Edmund.Copy !req
523. They've become firm friends.Copy !req
524. What the devil...Copy !req
525. - The Turks?
- The drains!Copy !req
526. Father! Harry!Copy !req
527. There's been rather a messy accident.
You must come quickly!Copy !req
528. Oh, God! I shall get my plunger!Copy !req
529. The sound of hoofbeats
across the gladeCopy !req
530. Good folk
lock up your son and daughterCopy !req
531. Beware the deadly flashing bladeCopy !req
532. Unless you want
to end up shorterCopy !req
533. Black AdderCopy !req
534. Black AdderCopy !req
535. He rides a pitch-black steedCopy !req
536. Black AdderCopy !req
537. Black AdderCopy !req
538. He's very bad indeedCopy !req
539. Black, his gloves
of finest moleCopy !req
540. Black, his codpiece
made of metalCopy !req
541. His horse is blacker
than a holeCopy !req
542. His pot is blacker
than his kettleCopy !req
543. Black AdderCopy !req
544. Black AdderCopy !req
545. With many a cunning planCopy !req
546. Black AdderCopy !req
547. Black AdderCopy !req
548. You horrid little man!Copy !req