- 1. Mmm. Yum.
- 2. - Mmm. Hmm.
- 3. - Ah. Hey, Joan.
- 4. How's the coffee?
- 5. If I'm honest...
- 6. - I'll tell 'em to look at the machine.
- Thank you.
- 7. Oh, and Sandy's outside
waiting for that 10:15.
- 8. Oh God.
- 9. I know.
- 10. Okay. Um, give me five.
- 11. I need to, like, psych up.
- 12. I'm so sorry. So sorry.
- 13. You're letting me go?
- 14. Um... Okay, but I'm still working
on my audio compression algorithm.
- 15. Unfortunately, the board feel
your compression algo isn't
- 16. a thing that they wanna pursue.
- 17. Uh, okay. Well, without it,
we'll need more data servers.
- 18. I know. I know.
- 19. Which means a bigger carbon footprint.
- 20. We'll breach
all of our environmental pledges.
- 21. I'm sorry. It's how the board feel.
- 22. I just put a deposit down
on a new apartment.
- 23. I'm sure this hasn't been
an easy decision for them.
- 24. Joan.
- 25. Please don't do this.
- 26. Please, not now.
- 27. I can't— I... I thought we were friends.
- 28. - Okay.
- 29. I'm just gonna give you a minute
to compose yourself.
- 30. I feel pretty composed.
- 31. I really— I am so sorry about this.
- 32. I invited you
to the housewarming. Joan.
- 33. I've asked Brutus
to escort her out.
- 34. Oh God.
- 35. I'll help you
with your things, Sandy.
- 36. Oh!
- 37. Joan, is that you? I know you're there.
- 38. Coward. You're a coward, Joan!
- 39. All right, Sandy. We gotta go.
- 40. Fuck!
- 41. Joan. Come on in.
- 42. Thank you.
- 43. So, where are we at?
- 44. - Not good?
- Oh, no.
- 45. It used to be my dream
to run my own coffee shop.
- 46. That would not have gone out
with our name on it.
- 47. Neither would the coffee
at my job.
- 48. How is your job?
- 49. Um...
- 50. I mean, on paper,
it's... it's fancy, I guess.
- 51. But I'm just kind of the middleman
between the board up in the clouds
- 52. and the staff below me.
- 53. So I just kinda feel like
I'm going through the motions every day.
- 54. How are things at home?
- 55. Um...
- 56. I mean, I'm engaged to Krish.
- 57. - Yes.
- So, good. Good. It's good.
- 58. Like, Krish is a great guy,
and he's smart, and he cares.
- 59. But maybe he's just a little bit, like...
- 60. vanilla.
- 61. You know?
Like, even the food he cooks is bland.
- 62. And I'm continuously like...
- 63. Mmm.
- 64. Sorry, I feel like such an asshole
- 65. When I was with my ex—
- 66. - Mac?
- Mac, yeah.
- 67. Um...
- 68. I mean, it was just constant sex
and craziness and...
- 69. I mean, the fights were...
- 70. But I never got over him.
- 71. Mm-hmm. And then you met Krish.
- 72. And then I met Krish.
- 73. And he was sweet and safe.
- 74. And so I just kinda went with the flow.
- 75. But
- 76. I just feel like I never,
- 77. like, actively chose this.
- 78. Like, I feel like I'm just on autopilot.
- 79. You know how you are always
talking about, like, the life story?
- 80. Mm-hmm.
- 81. I was thinking about it, and I...
- 82. I feel like I'm not the main character
in my own life story.
- 83. And would you like that to change?
- 84. Hmm.
- 85. Hey.
- 86. Hey.
- 87. It's so good to see you.
- 88. I love your hair like that.
The streaks, yowza.
- 89. It's not too much?
- 90. Phyllis at the salon
kind of, like, talked me into it.
- 91. Well, Phyllis at the salon
deserves a raise
- 92. 'cause you look hot as shit.
- 93. - Okay. Okay.
- I mean it.
- 94. Okay.
- 95. Um...
- 96. I mean, you... you came to see me.
- 97. To talk because you asked me to.
- 98. Oh, yeah.
- 99. Hey, how is...
- 100. Krish.
- 101. Yeah. Krish is good.
- 102. Wow. You sound like
you're really crazy about him.
- 103. Okay.
- 104. We tried us for two years.
- 105. Remember how that...
remember how that ended?
- 106. - Yep.
- So, yeah, I am marrying Krish.
- 107. Oh God, you drive—
- 108. You broke us up,
you broke my fucking heart,
- 109. and just when I'm picking up
all of the pieces of my life,
- 110. you pop back up like a fucking...
- 111. Like an unflushed turd.
- 112. Well, yeah.
It's not what I was getting at, but yeah.
- 113. So, how can I trust you?
- 114. You're right. I get it. But
- 115. what you and I had was real.
- 116. You know it.
- 117. I wanna be with you.
- 118. I'm here for three days,
and then I go back to San Jose.
- 119. Come with me.
- 120. I'm serious.
- 121. I ca... I can't.
- 122. Hey.
- 123. I have a great apartment,
and your work has an office there.
- 124. I mean, you could get a transfer.
- 125. And there's an incredible sushi place
around the corner,
- 126. and they have
an unbelievable green dragon roll.
- 127. I can't leave Krish.
- 128. No, you can't leave Krish.
- 129. I can't, Mac.
- 130. Yeah, no. You can't leave Krish.
- 131. No. No, no, no, no.
- 132. - Well— Hey.
- I shouldn't have come.
- 133. - I should not have come here.
- 134. I'm in my usual suite,
and I'll be here for three days.
- 135. Mm.
- 136. That you, baby?
- 137. Yep.
- 138. Hi.
- 139. Whoa. Froggy's been a-drinking.
- 140. Yeah. It was a goodbye party.
- 141. Oh. Well, I hope you're hungry.
- 142. Mmm.
- 143. Amazing.
- 144. Is that salt?
- 145. All right.
- 146. Hey.
- 147. - What do you wanna watch?
- Oh, I'm easy.
- 148. - Let's see what's on Streamberry.
- All right.
- 149. Mmm.
- 150. Um...
- 151. - Oh, how about Sea of Tranquility?
- 152. Eric said it blows.
- 153. Oh. Well, if Eric said it blows...
- 154. - Okay.
- 155. Loch Henry, the Scottish murder thing?
- 156. I can't really do another true crime.
- 157. - I'm sorry, just after Gacy, I...
- 158. What about...
- 159. What—
- 160. Uh... Oh my God.
- 161. Uh... What?
- 162. "New drama. Joan Is Awful."
- 163. Is that Salma Hayek?
- 164. Uh, she even has your hair.
- 165. That's not my hair.
- 166. Well, it's a lot like your hair.
And she's even called Joan.
- 167. Okay. What even is the show?
- 168. No clue, but...
- 169. - Well, we're watching it.
- No, we're not watching Joan Is Awful.
- 170. Whatever the hell it is.
- 171. - Just hit play.
- 172. Come on. Hit play.
- 173. Well, it's a lot like our bedroom.
- 174. That's not my hair.
- 175. - She uses the same toothpaste as you.
- Okay, just...
- 176. This is just weird.
- 177. Yeah, it's a little spooky.
- 178. This Joan is shady.
- 179. Mmm...
- 180. Babe.
- 181. - Babe?
- You should see this.
- 182. See what?
- 183. What is this?
- 184. It's called Joan Is Awful.
- 185. It's got Salma Hayek in it.
- 186. She looks like Joan.
- 187. That job sucked anyway.
- 188. Yeah, I guess.
- 189. Joan Is Awful? What the fuck?
- 190. Uh...
- 191. Oh my God.
- 192. We're gonna watch a TV show
in a bar?
- 193. Yeah, we're absolutely
gonna watch a TV show in a bar.
- 194. Huh.
- 195. Hmm.
- 196. What the hell?
- 197. Holy shit. That's where you work.
- 198. Okay, how did you do this?
- 199. - How did I do this?
- This is a prank. How did you do this?
- 200. - Well, I didn't—
- I don't find it fucking funny.
- 201. I didn't do anything.
- 202. How's the coffee?
- 203. Dog shit.
- 204. I'll get the machine replaced.
- 205. Please do that.
- 206. - Also, Sandy is waiting for that 10:15.
- 207. - Yeah.
- 208. Oh God.
- 209. Oh... oh God.
- 210. Joan? Jo... Jo... Joan.
- 211. Joan?
- 212. I'm having a panic attack.
- 213. - Uh... All right, um...
- I'm having a panic attack.
- 214. Okay, okay. Okay. All right, hey, whoa.
- 215. Also, Sandy is waiting for that 10:15.
- 216. - Is he still there?
- He's still there.
- 217. - Just get it over with.
- They made me the gayest man on earth.
- 218. Well, I like what he's wearing.
- 219. What the fuck is this?
- 220. - How the fuck is this?
- 221. - Give me five.
- 222. Yeah. Sure. Thanks.
- 223. - Oh my God. Is that what I sound like?
- Sh. Will you be quiet, please?
- 224. You think he's better looking than me?
- 225. Okay. All right. All right, hey.
Let's slow our breathing down, right?
- 226. - Uh, feel the carpet beneath your feet.
- I don't wanna feel the carpet!
- 227. All right, hey, whoa.
- 228. - Well, just feel the floor.
- Uh... Fuck the floor!
- 229. You're firing me?
- 230. Correct.
Your audio algorithm's not happening.
- 231. The board thinks it's vaporware.
- 232. But, um,
- 233. our carbon footprint.
- 234. Not their concern.
- 235. Well, I just put a deposit down
on an apartment.
- 236. - Also not their concern.
- I mean, you see what she's like.
- 237. - Oh my God, she is cold.
- 238. Not... not now.
- 239. If not now, when?
- 240. - She did not say that.
- Oh my God.
- 241. I did not say that like that.
That is not what happened.
- 242. Baby, I believe you.
- 243. Jesus Christ.
- 244. Oh my God.
- 245. What am I gonna do with my dog?
- 246. - Oh my God.
- She's making me so uncomfortable.
- 247. I'm so sorry—
- 248. - Get Brutus to escort her out.
- Why are you consoling Joan?
- 249. - Why am I consoling Joan?
- Please just give me a second.
- 250. She was upset.
- 251. She's being a bitch.
- 252. Oh my God.
They're making me look like a monster.
- 253. No. Hey, no, look.
- 254. Look, it's— Baby, it's Salma Hayek.
- 255. Look, people love Salma Hayek. All right?
So, maybe it's not so—
- 256. So, maybe it's not so fucking bad?
- 257. So fucking insane?
- 258. - This is bad.
- Okay, all right.
- 259. - Fucking insane!
- All right, okay.
- 260. Hey, look.
I was just trying to make you feel...
- 261. - Oh God.
- Hey, okay. All right. Hey, you're right.
- 262. - Okay.
- 263. Ooh.
- 264. What?
- 265. Oh my God, my mom's seen it.
- 266. What?
- 267. Everybody can see this?
- 268. Can everybody
that has Streamberry watch this?
- 269. My dad's seen it.
- 270. Marianne's seen it.
- 271. Jesus Christ. Oh fuck.
- 272. Oh God.
- 273. Oh my God.
- 274. Oh God.
- 275. - Honey.
- 276. - Has Mac been texting you?
- 277. No. No.
- 278. - All right.
- You can come in now.
- 279. - Okay. I think we should turn this off.
- 280. Well, actually,
I wanna keep watching. No. No...
- 281. - Hey, whoa.
- Krish, Krish, I want it off!
- 282. - No.
- How's life at home?
- 283. - Joan!
- With Krish?
- 284. - He's kind and smart and caring, but...
- Where's this stupid fucking button?
- 285. Very vanilla.
- 286. Even his cooking is bland.
- 287. Hmm.
- 288. - I didn't say that. Krish, turn it off.
- It's just that...
- 289. with my ex-boyfriend, Mac,
- 290. there was so much
crazy, wild, imaginative,
- 291. constant sex.
- 292. Hey, hey, hey, hey. This isn't real.
- 293. Okay? This is the TV. I didn't say this.
- 294. - Fuck.
- 295. - I haven't gotten over Mac.
- 296. I think maybe
- 297. I don't want to.
- 298. Oh Christ.
- 299. Hey. What she said on the show,
that's not what I think.
- 300. - Okay?
- 301. Some of the details...
- 302. The whole thing,
it's blown out of proportion, okay?
- 303. I didn't say that to my therapist.
- 304. So, what did you say?
- 305. I...
- 306. Mm-hmm.
- 307. Krish.
- 308. Krish! Where are you going?
- 309. I don't know.
- 310. - I don't know. I gotta go.
- Krish, come on. Please, please!
- 311. I'm here three days...
- 312. - Hey!
- ... then back to San Jose.
- 313. I said...
- 314. I can't leave Krish.
- 315. Can't you?
- 316. So, what do you wanna watch?
- 317. Sea of Tranquility.
- 318. Eh.
- 319. Eric says it blows.
- 320. Well, if Eric said...
- 321. I never liked Krish.
- 322. Babe, wait. Come on, sit down. Babe.
- 323. Joan Is Awful?
- 324. Is that Cate Blanchett?
- 325. - That's Cate Blanchett?
- Oh no.
- 326. - That's Cate Blanchett!
- That's good.
- 327. - That's not my hair.
- She looks good!
- 328. Krish! It's a TV show. It's not real.
- 329. I don't know what's going on,
but none of that happened.
- 330. Krish, hey!
I haven't even seen Mac in so long.
- 331. Then show me your phone.
- 332. What?
- 333. In the TV show, Mac texted you,
and you texted him back, so
- 334. show me your phone.
- 335. It's...
- 336. it's in the house.
- 337. That's convenient, Joan.
- 338. - Goodbye.
- 339. Krish, please don't go.
- 340. Don't go. Please don't leave me by myself.
This is fucking insane. Please don't—
- 341. Krish! Please!
- 342. Krish!
- 343. Krish, you're being childish.
Come back, please.
- 344. You're being very melodramatic.
It's uncalled for.
- 345. Oh my God. It's TV. It's not real!
- 346. My fidelity for you.
My fidelity for you, that's real.
- 347. That's television. Fake, not real.
- 348. If you weren't texting Mac,
show me your phone.
- 349. They're right about you, Joan.
- 350. You're awful.
- 351. Krish. I'm not that awful. It's not real.
- 352. Come back.
- 353. Krish! Don't leave me.
- 354. You know I can't be on my own.
- 355. - You can't leave me!
- 356. Krish!
- 357. Shame on you.
- 358. Oh fuck.
- 359. Oh God.
- 360. - Sorry I'm late.
- 361. Did you see it?
- 362. Everybody saw it.
- 363. It's all anyone can talk about.
- 364. How'd it come across?
- 365. Fair. Yeah. I just don't know
what this is.
- 366. My lawyer's looking into it.
- 367. - Krish is so mad at me.
- 368. - He walked out last night.
- Hey, Joan.
- 369. Everyone's looking at me
like I'm an actual monster.
- 370. Joan, just... just try and keep it together
for, like, the next few minutes.
- 371. Why is Brutus here?
- 372. You let slip about the whole algorithm,
data server, carbon footprint thing
- 373. in the scene where you fired Sandy.
- 374. Technically, you broke your NDA.
- 375. What? That's not fair. That was—
- 376. That was Salma Hayek!
- 377. The board wants you out.
- 378. Now.
- 379. I'm here to help you pack.
- 380. Right on.
- 381. Sayonara, queen.
- 382. Mona.
- 383. "I'm in a pantsuit."
- 384. Well, I've checked it over,
- 385. and I have to say that actually,
- 386. legally, the Streamberry Corporation
can do this.
- 387. What?
- 388. How?
- 389. Trust me, I'm as shocked as you are.
- 390. But the show is using my life.
It's... it's my name. It's my career.
- 391. It's me. They're... they're using me, so...
- 392. And you assigned them
the right to exploit all of that.
- 393. What? When?
- 394. Terms and conditions.
- 395. I have never seen this before.
- 396. You have. You just haven't
seen it printed out before.
- 397. All of that would have popped up
on your phone or whatever
- 398. when you first signed up to Streamberry.
- 399. And you clicked "accept."
- 400. What? I mean, I had—
- 401. I had no—
How was I supposed to know this?
- 402. I know. But you did accept it,
and so they're in the clear.
- 403. No, no. No, no, no.
They can't... they can't do this to me.
- 404. There are only so many ways
for me to tell you they absolutely can.
- 405. Okay, well, Salma Hayek.
- 406. Yeah, pretty cool.
- 407. No. No, I'm gonna sue Salma Hayek.
- 408. For what?
- 409. For, like,
passing herself off as me.
- 410. She has no right to do that.
- 411. It's not really Salma Hayek.
- 412. Yes, it is.
- 413. No. Technically, uh, the show deploys
a digital likeness of Miss Hayek.
- 414. They don't film her.
- 415. She licensed her image to them.
- 416. The entire show is CGI.
- 417. It's generated by some kind
of super-advanced, deepfake,
- 418. quantum computer mumbo jumbo.
- 419. They could make Salma Hayek
blow an orangutan if they wanted to.
- 420. Oh, whoa.
- 421. I'm guessing Miss Hayek might object
to that, but you get my point.
- 422. Right. So it's all... it's all computers?
- 423. That's how they get it
on the service so fast.
- 424. But how do they...
- 425. how do they even know what I'm doing?
It's the same... it's the same day.
- 426. Well, you know when you got your phone
face down on the table,
- 427. and you're in your kitchen,
and you're talking to your friend about,
- 428. I don't know, shoe deodorizers,
- 429. and then, you know, you go
on your computer and what pops up?
- 430. A shoe deodorizing ad.
- 431. Then you get an email,
and it's all about shoe deodorizing.
- 432. Then you're walking down the street,
- 433. You can't escape it. And it's...
- 434. Yeah, so?
- 435. Uh, that's how they know.
- 436. Okay, but...
- 437. but the show
makes stuff up about me. Right?
- 438. It embellishes things.
- 439. It makes me look worse than I really am.
- 440. So... ... defamation.
- 441. Yeah, page 53, paragraph 12.
- 442. There's something about
creating characters and dialogue
- 443. for dramatic purposes.
- 444. Fuck!
- 445. I agree.
- 446. Uh, I hate to say it,
but this thing is... is watertight.
- 447. Oh my God.
- 448. They got you every which way
and then some.
- 449. My advice is to try and ignore it.
- 450. What the fuck kind of advice is that?
- 451. It's the only kind I got.
- 452. Oh my God.
- 453. Okay.
- 454. Hi, guys!
- 455. Hey, how you doing out there?
- 456. Cool! Fuck!
- 457. Sorry, do I know you?
- 458. This show, it is using my life,
my name, my career.
- 459. You assigned them
the right to exploit all of that.
- 460. When? How?
- 461. Terms and conditions.
- 462. I've never even seen this.
- 463. - I would've known if I signed it.
- This is brutal.
- 464. I would've known I'd signed something
I didn't read. Who has time to read that?
- 465. You did accept it though.
- 466. - What?
- Yeah, they're in the clear.
- 467. - They can't do this to me.
- Oh, hey.
- 468. - Can I come in?
- Yeah, yeah.
- 469. Hey, uh...
- 470. They cannot—
- 471. There. Sorry.
- 472. Oh, baby.
- 473. Honey.
- 474. You're okay.
- 475. No...
- 476. What's wrong?
- 477. Um,
- 478. I can't get hard.
- 479. Sure you can.
- 480. Hey, you want me to do
that horrible thing you love?
- 481. It's, um...
- 482. It's— This is so public.
- 483. What do you mean?
- 484. This is gonna be on the show.
- 485. Okay, but it's not us.
It's... it's computer people.
- 486. - It's Salma Hayek and—
- Well, yeah, I know.
- 487. So, I mean, like, I'm gonna be the guy
who can't get it up for Salma Hayek?
- 488. I mean, it's like...
- 489. You know, it's one thing to not be able
to get it up for, like, you,
- 490. but Salma Hayek?
- 491. I mean, look,
people are gonna laugh at me.
- 492. The show is called fucking Joan Is Awful.
How do you think I feel?
- 493. Hey! Look, when I said
I wanted to get back together with you—
- 494. When you basically begged me
to get back together with you.
- 495. But I didn't agree to be a public figure.
- 496. Neither did I!
- 497. Except you did.
- 498. Page 58 of the terms and conditions.
- 499. They just said so on the show!
- 500. Joan, I always said
you gotta read the terms and conditions.
- 501. I can sue Cate Blanchett.
- 502. Uh, for what?
- 503. For passing herself off as me.
- 504. That isn't the real Cate Blanchett.
- 505. The show just deploys
a digital likeness of Miss Blanchett.
- 506. The whole show is CGI.
- 507. It's generated by a quantum computer.
- 508. They could... ... make her
blow an orangutan if they wanted.
- 509. Although I am guessing the real
Miss Blanchett might object to that,
- 510. but you get my point.
- 511. Hmm.
- 512. Oh God.
- 513. Okay.
- 514. Anyone knows a reason
why these two may not be wed,
- 515. let him speak now.
- 516. Merry Christmas, one and all!
- 517. Oh my God!
- 518. What are you doing?
- 519. Stop!
- 520. - Get the kids out of here!
- Get out of here!
- 521. What's so funny?
- 522. Salma Hayek's gonna fucking hate this.
- 523. Why?
- 524. Have you not seen Joan Is Awful?
- 525. No, but it's on my list.
- 526. Just wait till episode four.
I hear it's gonna be a blast.
- 527. Her lawyer's here. Posted bail.
- 528. - Uh...
- You're free to go.
- 529. Oh.
- 530. For now.
- 531. You're disgusting.
- 532. Thank you.
- 533. these two should not be wed,
let him speak now.
- 534. Merry Christmas, one and all!
- 535. What are you doing?
- 536. Never in my wildest nightmares
- 537. I thought I'd see myself
defecating in a church.
- 538. Well, technically,
that's the Joan character, not you.
- 539. So this character,
whose face do they have?
- 540. Do they have your face or my face?
- 541. Your face.
- 542. Salma Hayek's face.
- 543. So, then,
whose anus is doing the shitting?
- 544. Uh,
- 545. Salma Hayek's anus?
- 546. Bingo.
- 547. I am Roman Catholic.
- 548. My grandmother Rosa was going to be a nun.
- 549. She might die when she sees this.
- 550. What right do they have to kill my abuela
- 551. with this deepfake heretic abomination?
- 552. Uh, page 39, paragraph eight.
- 553. Paragraph eight can suck my dick.
I don't even know what it says anyway.
- 554. Uh, your image rights agreement
- 555. It's page 39, paragraph eight.
- 556. Specifically covers any acts or behaviors
Joan may exhibit
- 557. up to, including, and beyond defecation.
- 558. Beyond defecation?
- 559. Beyond. That's what it says.
- 560. You know I don't read this crap.
- 561. I am a dyslexic, talented actress
with questionable English.
- 562. - That's why I overpay you to protect me.
- 563. I mean, doesn't my asshole
have any rights?
- 564. - Okay. All right.
- Okay, okay.
- 565. Okay.
- 566. Okay.
- 567. Let's collect ourselves, and, uh...
- 568. Good.
- 569. brainstorm so we can do
some damage control.
- 570. So, what can you do
- 571. to erase this image
from every machine in the world?
- 572. Nothing.
- 573. Okay.
- 574. Then I guess I'm just gonna have to settle
for a huge lawsuit against them.
- 575. Um, I've looked up and down
- 576. and there is no legal basis.
- 577. There's no way we can sue these guys.
- 578. Then I'm gonna sue you.
- 579. You sold me out.
- 580. You useless, overrated maggot.
- 581. You take your paragraph eight
- 582. and shove it up your ass!
- 583. And I hope that you get paper cuts
in your hemorrhoids and die!
- 584. You're fired!
- 585. What the fuck?
- 586. I...
- 587. I didn't, uh, actually think
that you would come to—
- 588. Welcome to my home.
- 589. - I understand that you're mad.
- Oh, do you?
- 590. Please don't kill me, Salma Hayek.
- 591. You're lucky I'm a humanitarian.
- 592. Let's have a talk.
- 593. What the fuck?
- 594. - Come on!
- 595. Oh my goodness me.
- 596. Oh my God.
- 597. Now it all makes sense.
Look at all this shit!
- 598. What's wrong with you, girl?
- 599. I mean, must you be so disgusting?
- 600. I mean, the last few days
have been pretty rough, so...
- 601. Rough enough to take a dump
in the house of God?
- 602. If you don't have any self-respect,
that's your thing.
- 603. But to disrespect the church,
- 604. and frankly, to disrespect my image...
- 605. - Mm-hmm.
- ... I don't wanna be associated with you.
- 606. Well, I don't wanna be
associated with me either.
- 607. They took my life.
They turned it into a CGI fucking drama.
- 608. I lose my fiancé.
- 609. I lose my job.
- 610. They put my entire existence out there
for everyone to watch,
- 611. and you signed up to be the face of it.
- 612. You're a fucking enabler.
I should be yelling at you.
- 613. - You are yelling at me.
- Well, I need to yell at someone!
- 614. Well, it's not fair
that you're taking it all out on me.
- 615. I am sorry that I shat in a church.
- 616. Okay?
- 617. But I was trying to get your attention
- 618. so that you'd get in touch
- 619. and have them pull the plug on the show.
- 620. I already made that call.
- 621. - And?
- They told me to go fuck myself.
- 622. They did?
- 623. Can you believe it?
- 624. So, you can't stop this?
- 625. I thought for once I was gonna have
control over my own image.
- 626. But those fuckers lied about everything.
- 627. First, they told me
this was gonna be a prestige show, right?
- 628. Look, I didn't think it was gonna be
like my movie Frida,
- 629. but I couldn't imagine
that it was gonna be this.
- 630. And then they said
that they were closing the pay gap.
- 631. Bullshit!
- 632. They are paying me one-tenth
of what they're paying George Clooney.
- 633. Sorry, George Clooney
is gonna be in this show?
- 634. No, they're sticking his head
on a Thomas the Tank Engine reboot.
- 635. Wait.
- 636. How much are they paying you?
- 637. Oh,
- 638. nothing.
- 639. - Nothing?
- 640. That is so fucked up.
- 641. Yeah.
- 642. Well, they're screwing us both.
- 643. Yeah.
- 644. I mean, how do you think
Cate Blanchett feels about this?
- 645. Fuck her.
- 646. This is the bad guy.
- 647. Mona Giovanni.
- 648. - Javadi.
- 649. And the whole Strawberry machine.
- 650. It's Streamberry.
- 651. They have taken 100 years of cinema
- 652. and diminished it to an app.
- 653. I wanna go and take that computer
- 654. and rip the cables out of it
- 655. and stick them up its ass.
- 656. Let's bring down the system.
The quamputer thing.
- 657. Oh yeah, let's.
- 658. Are you a hacker?
- 659. No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, like, physically.
- 660. So it says the server's
outside of Mona Javadi's office.
- 661. So we just get in there and fucking...
- 662. - You know?
- Her office is all the way at the top.
- 663. We can't crawl on the side of the building
- 664. No, no, no, we don't have to.
- 665. 'Cause you can just
walk in the front door.
- 666. We can't just do that.
- 667. You can
- 668. because you're Salma fucking Hayek.
- 669. Thank you.
- 670. You're right.
- 671. Yeah.
- 672. I am Salma fucking Hayek.
- 673. Good morning.
- 674. Hi. Hello. Miss Hayek.
- 675. I have an appointment with Mona Javadi.
- 676. Of course. Let me just...
- 677. Uh, I can't, um...
- 678. - It should be in the system. Please do...
- Excuse me, is there a restroom I can use?
- 679. Of course. Right over there.
- 680. I'm afraid that's too public.
- 681. Thanks to your show,
- 682. every time people see me
go into one of those,
- 683. all they can think about
is hot birria coming out of my bottom.
- 684. Of course.
- 685. Can we swipe Miss Hayek through?
- 686. There is a private restroom
down the corridor on the right.
- 687. Thank you.
- 688. And don't worry, I'm just gonna pee.
- 689. Okay.
- 690. Cool.
- 691. Thank you.
- 692. All right, just one sec. Yeah. We're good.
- 693. - You rolling?
- 694. Great.
- 695. - So, Miss Javadi.
- 696. A lot going on here at Streamberry.
Loads of heat around your new show.
- 697. I know, right?
- 698. - Bet you've got a heap of questions.
- 699. - Lucy, I'm in the middle of an interview.
- I think it might be important.
- 700. Sorry.
- 701. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yes?
- 702. Apparently, Salma Hayek's downstairs
asking to see you.
- 703. - Didn't we tell her to go fuck herself?
- Maybe that's why.
- 704. Just get security to chuck her out.
- 705. Sorry, sorry. She's new.
- 706. - Yeah.
- Don't know how long she'll last.
- 707. Anyway, where were we?
- 708. - Joan Is Awful.
- Joan Is Awful.
- 709. - What are you wearing?
- It's a disguise.
- 710. Take it off. They're gonna think
you're kidnapping me.
- 711. Okay.
- 712. - Hurry up!
- 713. Come on!
- 714. So, here at Streamberry, we are passionate
about creating new forms of entertainment.
- 715. This whole floor is dedicated
to content generation R
- 716. Experimental entertainment,
- 717. Like Joan Is Awful.
- 718. Exactly.
- 719. Shut up, shut up.
- 720. And that is made by this,
- 721. which is actually
just down that corridor on the left.
- 722. A kind of quantum computer.
- 723. Yeah, hence the name.
- 724. An infinite content creator
- 725. capable of willing entire multiverses
into existence, right?
- 726. And within those rendered worlds,
- 727. shooting, packaging,
and editing fully-edited programs
- 728. that would normally take months
to make, such as...
- 729. Joan Is Awful.
- 730. I wish they'd stop saying that.
- 731. - Correct.
- I like the picture.
- 732. And the role Salma's depicting
is based on a real Joan, right?
- 733. Mm-hmm. Yep.
- 734. Why that particular woman?
What's so special about her?
- 735. Absolutely nothing.
- 736. We were looking for a totally average,
- 737. just... just to test the system.
- 738. The point is,
Joan Is Awful is just the beginning.
- 739. The aim here is to launch
unique, tailored content
- 740. to each individual in our database,
all 800 million of them,
- 741. created on the fly by our system.
The most relatable content imaginable.
- 742. Actually, there's one for you.
- 743. I couldn't resist. Yeah.
- 744. This is actually real and will be
available to stream from Friday.
- 745. Uh, why "awful"?
- 746. Why is it all so negative?
- 747. Yeah. No, that's a great question, Fatima.
- 748. Um, we did try more affirmative content
in the test cell,
- 749. but we found
that, um, our subjects just didn't buy it.
- 750. It didn't chime
with their neurotic view of themselves.
- 751. What we found instead
was when we focused on their more weak
- 752. or selfish or craven moments,
- 753. it confirmed their innermost fears
- 754. and put them in a state
of mesmerized horror.
- 755. Which really drives engagement.
- 756. They literally can't look away.
- 757. Let's kill this quam-puta.
- 758. - Wow. Great, thanks.
- Did you get everything you need?
- 759. Okay. Where is she?
Hi, where is she? Where's Salma?
- 760. I let her go to the toilet.
- 761. How hard is it to find someone?
Most walls are glass.
- 762. Can you guys do something?
- 763. - Is that it?
- It's locked.
- 764. There.
- 765. There it is.
- 766. Holy Christ!
Hey, no one's allowed in here!
- 767. I'm calling security!
- 768. If you call security,
I will break your arm.
- 769. Don't think I won't,
because I will, understood?
- 770. Yes, Miss Hayek.
- 771. Okay.
- 772. How do we get in here?
- 773. What's that?
- 774. Joan Is Awful.
- 775. No, but that's me. That should be
- 776. her, right?
- 777. That's the variant of Joan Is Awful
that the Joan below you sees
- 778. when she watches the show.
- 779. What? The Joan below me?
- 780. You're not the original Joan.
That's Source Joan.
- 781. We need a code for this, Joan.
- 782. Wait, sh.
- 783. "Source Joan"?
- 784. Yeah, you're just a Joan.
- 785. Who's Source Joan?
- 786. The real Joan.
- 787. Look, there. Source Joan.
- 788. Source Joan?
- 789. I'm not the real Joan?
- 790. You're a version of Joan
- 791. played by a digital likeness
of Annie Murphy.
- 792. - Who's Annie Murphy?
- The actress.
- 793. There. Look familiar?
- 794. Schitt's Creek. No? Great show.
- 795. - You're playing an adaptation of Joan.
- No, no.
- 796. Look. Source Joan lives in reality.
- 797. When Source John watches the TV show
Joan Is Awful, she sees you playing her.
- 798. That show is the fictive level
we're on right now, here.
- 799. - The fictive level?
- Yes, fictive level one.
- 800. Like I said,
this is an adaptation of Joan's life.
- 801. - You're in a show right now.
- I'm in a show right now?
- 802. Come on. Have you seen where you live?
- 803. Uh, who could afford a place like that?
It's a TV show house.
- 804. I mean, look at me.
Michael Cera licensed his face,
- 805. just like Annie Murphy licensed her face
to play Joan on level one,
- 806. and Salma Hayek licensed her face
to play Joan on level two
- 807. and to play herself here on level one.
- 808. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- 809. I'm not playing myself.
- 810. I am myself.
- 811. Yeah, but it tracks that you believe that
- 812. because you're coded to play yourself
on this level.
- 813. - What?
- 814. We're not in reality right now.
This is fictive level one.
- 815. If I'm not here, then where am I?
- 816. I don't know where the real Miss Hayek is.
I don't have eyes on her.
- 817. She's probably in Zurich
or on a beach somewhere.
- 818. - I don't know where she is.
- 819. This is not called
- 820. Salma Hayek Gets Everything Explained
To Her But Doesn't Understand It Still.
- 821. - It's called Joan Is Awful. Her story.
- What the fuck?
- 822. By which I mean the real her.
- 823. Not Annie Murphy, Source Joan.
The Joan that lives—
- 824. Oh, thank God!
- 825. He was so boring.
- 826. Jesus!
- 827. Annie Murphy, you're my hero.
- 828. You guard the door.
- 829. I'm gonna kill that fucking computer.
- 830. - She wasn't in the schedule.
- I know that. I was working—
- 831. S3? Check S3.
- 832. Come on! Come on!
Just kill that quam-puta!
- 833. Okay, just wait a second. Wait a second.
- 834. So, inside this computer,
there's a version of you playing me
- 835. who thinks she's real?
- 836. Yeah.
- 837. - They're coming! Do it! Do it!
- 838. If you destroy that, you destroy everybody
inside every fictive universe above this.
- 839. - You!
- Billions of simulated souls
- 840. who consider themselves to be real
- 841. Do you really want all that blood
on your hands?
- 842. I mean, define "blood" for me here.
- 843. Okay, this is a quantum computer, right?
We barely know how it works.
- 844. It's basically magic.
- 845. The reality we're in will cease to exist.
- 846. Would I die?
- 847. Instantly.
- 848. Put the fucking axe down,
Annie Murphy, now.
- 849. - Listen to her. Do as you're told.
- Put it down!
- 850. I can't.
- 851. Because the fact
that I'm standing here right now
- 852. means that Source Joan
already stood here in reality.
- 853. - It doesn't matter what I want...
- Get in.
- 854. because the events that this is based on
have already happened.
- 855. It's not my decision.
- 856. - It's Joan's.
- 857. - It's happening.
- All right, Joan.
- 858. - She's doing it. Joan's doing it.
- Joan, put the axe down.
- 859. No! The quamputer!
- 860. Joan! Fucking Jesus!
- 861. I think we're done.
- 862. - What's your name, please?
- Annie Murphy.
- 863. Miss Murphy, what do you...
- 864. So, where are we at?
- 865. - Uh, I'm dating again.
- 866. Just taking it slow, you know.
- 867. And trying to make some time for myself.
- 868. Well, how does that make you feel?
- 869. It feels good, you know?
- 870. It feels good to be okay on your own.
- 871. And work?
- 872. Yeah. I mean,
my job is far less corporate.
- 873. But I'm my own boss.
- 874. I... I treat my staff well.
- 875. Uh, and I'm actually...
- 876. I'm actually proud of what I do. So...
- 877. - It's good to hear.
- Yeah, thanks.
- 878. So, maybe now, do you feel...
- 879. Yeah, uh, like the main character
in my own life?
- 880. Mm-hmm.
- 881. Yeah, I... I think I do.
- 882. And you don't feel
- 883. - Oh, the house arrest?
- 884. You know, there's good days and bad days.
- 885. I guess that's to be expected.
- 886. You're supposed to encourage me.
- 887. - What is that?
- Yeah, it's not good. I know.
- 888. Hi, Joan.
- 889. Hi, Annie!
- 890. - How you doing?
- 891. - The usual?
- The usual, please.
- 892. Okay.
- 893. - Missed you.
- I missed you. How are you?
- 894. I'm good.
- 895. Merry Christmas, one and all!
- 896. Yeah, yeah.
- 897. Sorry. I know. I know.
- 898. Get out! Get out!
- 899. Yeah. I'm sorry.