1. Ahem.Copy !req
2. They're ready for you now.Copy !req
3. Gwendolyn Harris. We've met.Copy !req
4. Bournemouth.Copy !req
5. But you don't know the others.Copy !req
6. No, but I'm familiar with you.Copy !req
7. Why do you want to be an MP?Copy !req
8. Because I'm not satisfied
with the way things are,Copy !req
9. and rather than sit back and moan
I'd prefer to do something about it.Copy !req
10. Go again from the top.Copy !req
11. I don't know why anyone's surprised
the world's number one teen idolCopy !req
12. has become a Scientologist.Copy !req
13. Speed up the autocue, please.Copy !req
14. Pop stars do believe in weird things.Copy !req
15. 'Abba believed in angels.
R Kelly believed he could fly...'Copy !req
16. They said show you this.Copy !req
17. This happened just now?Copy !req
18. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
19. Gladwell?Copy !req
20. "Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell
resigns," - capitals -Copy !req
21. "over Twitter porn pics scandal."Copy !req
22. Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all.Copy !req
23. "Originally claimed
his account had been hacked,Copy !req
24. "resignation statement admits
inappropriate correspondenceCopy !req
25. "with a 15-year-old girl."Copy !req
26. So tweeting dick photos
is correspondence now, is it?Copy !req
27. "Departure triggers a by-electionCopy !req
28. "in his Stentonford and Hersham
constituency."Copy !req
29. Well, you get to use
the Gladwell stuff.Copy !req
30. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
31. Bump it all up to
the top of the monologue.Copy !req
32. Anyone seen Jamie?Copy !req
33. Rach?Copy !req
34. 'You really shouldn't be
calling me any more.Copy !req
35. 'You need to sort yourself out.'Copy !req
36. I am.Copy !req
37. 'Focus on Waldo,
that's going well for you.'Copy !req
38. But it is not...Copy !req
39. 'He's a hit, Jamie.'Copy !req
40. "He." Not me, "he".Copy !req
41. 'Just do your show.'Copy !req
42. I will. I mean, hon,
if you'd just...Copy !req
43. Jamie?Copy !req
44. Jamie, hurry up.Copy !req
45. What do you know about
Stentonford and Hersham?Copy !req
46. Safe Tory seat.Copy !req
47. So, realistically, I know there's
not much of a chance, but...Copy !req
48. So, it's a stepping stone for you?Copy !req
49. Yes.Copy !req
50. Obviously, I wouldn't say
that outside of this room,Copy !req
51. but, well,
you want me to be honest.Copy !req
52. There's no point in pretending.Copy !req
53. Is there anything in your past that
might conceivably cause problems?Copy !req
54. No.Copy !req
55. Except...Copy !req
56. ..I did commit a series
of murders in HuddersfieldCopy !req
57. between 1999 and 2003.Copy !req
58. But apart from that...Copy !req
59. Well, thank you, Gwendolyn.Copy !req
60. If you could leave via that door.Copy !req
61. Oh, that door?Copy !req
62. We like to keep
the candidates separate.Copy !req
63. Right, yes.Copy !req
64. Idiot. Idiot!Copy !req
65. Shamed super groomer and all-round
pillock of the communityCopy !req
66. Jason Gladwell
has resigned as an MP,Copy !req
67. saying he could no longer
maintain his position.Copy !req
68. That position, presumably,
being hunched overCopy !req
69. wanking madly at school kids.Copy !req
70. 'A pal of Gladwell said...'Copy !req
71. You ready?Copy !req
72. Uh-huh.Copy !req
73. ..how old the girl wasn't.Copy !req
74. That's the sort of feeble excuseCopy !req
75. 'only a naive school kid
would swallow -Copy !req
76. 'which, presumably, was the idea.Copy !req
77. 'Anyway, the bad news is
he's resigned in disgrace.'Copy !req
78. The good news is he's now
free to pursue a full-time careerCopy !req
79. in the disgraced paedophile
industry.Copy !req
80. Personally, I don't understand
why anyone's surprised...Copy !req
81. Um, small change to the intro.Copy !req
82. What?Copy !req
83. Nothing huge, Conor wanted the Jacko
gag for the monologue, so...Copy !req
84. That was my bit.Copy !req
85. There is the Chancellor stuff,
you could use that.Copy !req
86. Bit politics.Copy !req
87. You can do politics.Copy !req
88. I do piss-taking.Copy !req
89. Go be Waldo.Copy !req
90. Yes, commander.Copy !req
91. 'R Kelly believed he could fly,Copy !req
92. 'and Michael Jackson believed
that his doctor was qualified...'Copy !req
93. Big ball blue bear bollocks.Copy !req
94. And now it's time
for our final visitCopy !req
95. to the world of educational
children's programmingCopy !req
96. courtesy of everyone's favourite,Copy !req
97. and only occasionally inappropriate
cool kids' TV character,Copy !req
98. Waldo.Copy !req
99. Whose mum's in tonight, apparently.Copy !req
100. Waldo, who have you had
in your cave this week?Copy !req
101. Well, Conor,
in my big pink cave this weekCopy !req
102. I had former Minister
for Culture Liam Monroe.Copy !req
103. Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he?Copy !req
104. I was hoping he'd nosh me off!Copy !req
105. Want to see how it panned out?Copy !req
106. I think we should.Copy !req
107. Run VT!Copy !req
108. Hey, everybody!Copy !req
109. It's Waldo time!Copy !req
110. Yeah!Copy !req
111. Cool! Cool!Copy !req
112. Waldo-rrific!Copy !req
113. Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
114. Hey, kids,
my guest this week is Mr Monroe.Copy !req
115. Hello, Mr Monroe.Copy !req
116. Hello, Waldo.Copy !req
117. Mr Monroe is a politician.Copy !req
118. So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe?Copy !req
119. Well, a politician is someoneCopy !req
120. who tries to make the
world a fairer place.Copy !req
121. Like Batman.Copy !req
122. Not exactly like Batman.Copy !req
123. Do you beat people up?Copy !req
124. No, I don't beat people up.Copy !req
125. Oh, you're a pussy then?Copy !req
126. Well, I'm not sure
I know exactly what...Copy !req
127. You don't know what pussy is?Copy !req
128. OK, this is clearly
some kind of joke.Copy !req
129. No joke, sorry, let's move on.Copy !req
130. Friends again?Copy !req
131. Oh, hello, mate, great show.Copy !req
132. Well done, really good.Copy !req
133. So, we'll bring him over.Copy !req
134. You go and get him,
I'll explain about...Copy !req
135. 'Now, he comes across...'Copy !req
136. Jamie!Copy !req
137. What you want, Miss Tamsin?Copy !req
138. Behind me, man in glasses
talking to Jack Napier.Copy !req
139. Jack freaks me out.Copy !req
140. Yeah, ditto,Copy !req
141. but he owns the company
and the man he's with is importantCopy !req
142. and wants to talk to you.Copy !req
143. He's from the channel.Copy !req
144. Go on.Copy !req
145. 'Honestly, all I'm saying...'Copy !req
146. 'Is he shy?'Copy !req
147. 'No, all I'm saying is
he's a terrific guy...'Copy !req
148. Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim.Copy !req
149. How do you do?Copy !req
150. Jim, Jack, James.Copy !req
151. Jamie.Copy !req
152. Jim was just talking about Waldo.Copy !req
153. Yeah. Liam Monroe
has lodged a complaint.Copy !req
154. Toys out the pram.Copy !req
155. And that's...?Copy !req
156. Good press.Copy !req
157. It's so tough to get
a breakthrough these days,Copy !req
158. but when it does,
well, it's just fantastic.Copy !req
159. It's fantastic the way Waldo puts
the piss up Monroe.Copy !req
160. You know, all those twats,
it's punk, it's... it's...Copy !req
161. 'Jack?'Copy !req
162. Excuse me.Copy !req
163. Well, Twitter can't get
enough of Waldo, loves him.Copy !req
164. Look, I know the show's
coming back again next year,Copy !req
165. but we want to see more of Waldo.Copy !req
166. They want to do a pilot.Copy !req
167. A Waldo pilot?Copy !req
168. Yeah. I mean, how does that sound?Copy !req
169. Yeah. Sounds good.Copy !req
170. Sounds stormin' Norman,
fucking stormin'.Copy !req
171. Going to give it to 'em.Copy !req
172. But look, we can't do sketches
without Waldo.Copy !req
173. It's a Waldo pilot,
it's a Waldo show,Copy !req
174. it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.Copy !req
175. Realistically, there isn't
the budget for other animations.Copy !req
176. I mean live action,
other characters I can do.Copy !req
177. What about the Brown Knight?Copy !req
178. What, the crap crusader?Copy !req
179. We can look into the Brown Knight.Copy !req
180. But right now
let's find more Waldo ideas.Copy !req
181. The problem is, any guests
we book will be in on it.Copy !req
182. They know that Waldo's a joke,
the surprise is gone.Copy !req
183. So, we think round that.Copy !req
184. Hey, boys and girls!
It's Waldo time!Copy !req
185. Yeah! Ha-ha!Copy !req
186. He's awesome, isn't he?Copy !req
187. I mean, look - sod name in lights,
you're an app now, my brother.Copy !req
188. All right, Sara? How's the
think tanking going, good shit?Copy !req
189. Um, yeah, yeah,
we're making headway.Copy !req
190. Good.Copy !req
191. I see our friend Monroe
is in the news again,Copy !req
192. running in
the Stentonford by-election.Copy !req
193. We should get Waldo down there.Copy !req
194. Hey, that's not a bad idea,
actually.Copy !req
195. We get a van with a screen with
the image of Waldo on the side.Copy !req
196. Like it.Copy !req
197. And then, when Monroe's
doing a meet and greet,Copy !req
198. we just turn up
and just get under his skin.Copy !req
199. I love that, I love it.Copy !req
200. We've done Monroe.Copy !req
201. But it was a great bit.Copy !req
202. I'm not dumb or clever enough
to be political...Copy !req
203. Why don't we get Waldo
to stand for the by-election?Copy !req
204. Get people to vote for him?Copy !req
205. He's not real.Copy !req
206. But people have stood as
fictional characters before.Copy !req
207. Do you think Screaming
Lord Sutch was his real name?Copy !req
208. We just put "commonly known as"
on the ballot.Copy !req
209. No-one's actually going to vote
for him, that's not the point.Copy !req
210. The point is, we get to hang around,
we're there for the count.Copy !req
211. Well, go on then, Sara,
whack it up there.Copy !req
212. 'He's with a mum and baby group.'Copy !req
213. OK. Going live
in five... four... three two...Copy !req
214. 'Thank you so much
for joining me this morning.'Copy !req
215. It's been incredibly informativeCopy !req
216. and I think we should have a little
round of applause for the children,Copy !req
217. who were fantastic.Copy !req
218. Thank you, Naomi.Copy !req
219. Thank you for your time.Copy !req
220. Hey!Copy !req
221. Hey, it's me Waldo.Copy !req
222. Oh. I like your trainers, man!Copy !req
223. I'd wear trainers myself
but I can't cos I haven't got feet.Copy !req
224. I've got stumps.Copy !req
225. He's out.Copy !req
226. Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe.Copy !req
227. Hey! Did you get off with
any of the mums?Copy !req
228. Where'd you look while
they were breastfeeding?Copy !req
229. They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe!Copy !req
230. He said it!Copy !req
231. Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me!Copy !req
232. I'm sorry about this, Liam.Copy !req
233. Hey, I'm being snubbed!Copy !req
234. Hey, don't ignore me.
Don't just get in your car.Copy !req
235. It's a death trap anyway,
look at it!Copy !req
236. Let's find out what we can about
the idiot inside that thing.Copy !req
237. Sure.Copy !req
238. Mr Monroe. Oi!Copy !req
239. 'Stentonford Labour Party.'Copy !req
240. Right, you've got
a choice of styles,Copy !req
241. so just choose one from there.
Then you put your name in there.Copy !req
242. This is like bloody Moonpig.Copy !req
243. Don't knock the free mail out.Copy !req
244. Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some
Fisher-Price leaflet app.Copy !req
245. He doesn't have to.Copy !req
246. Day one of the campaign
in Stentonford and Hersham,Copy !req
247. and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe
hits the ground running.Copy !req
248. The licence fee is something
that's very close to my heart...Copy !req
249. 'Mr Monroe, ey! Oh, oh, oh!
Look at me Mr Monroe, please!'Copy !req
250. Hey, over here! Hey, over here...Copy !req
251. Look over here, Mr Monroe...Copy !req
252. The Conservative Party
have been, er...Copy !req
253. Have been arguing for a reduction
of the licence fee for...Copy !req
254. Good morning, everybody.Copy !req
255. Pardon?Copy !req
256. Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?
Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?Copy !req
257. I beg your pardon.Copy !req
258. I'm sorry. It's rather loud.Copy !req
259. We have argued for a further
reduction in the licence fee...Copy !req
260. Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?Copy !req
261. Mum with a pushchair -
drag her into it.Copy !req
262. Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair.Copy !req
263. Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroe
why he's ignoring me.Copy !req
264. Why are you ignoring Waldo?Copy !req
265. 'Mr Monroe, what's Waldo
done to you?'Copy !req
266. We should probably just shift
before this turns stupid.Copy !req
267. I'm not walking away from a cartoon.Copy !req
268. 'I'm not ignoring you.'Copy !req
269. Yeah, you were, you upset me.Copy !req
270. You made Waldo sad.Copy !req
271. Well, obviously, I'm absolutely
devastated that you're upset...Copy !req
272. Let him get a word in.Copy !req
273. I'm not ignoring you
because there is no you.Copy !req
274. You are an image voiced
by a comedian -Copy !req
275. an alleged comedian,
more accurately.Copy !req
276. If I'm not real,
why you talking to him?Copy !req
277. And by "him" I mean me, knobber!Copy !req
278. There's no point in attempting
to converse with a cartoon.Copy !req
279. Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship!Copy !req
280. Thy flowery language doth give
me a right throbbing bone-on!Copy !req
281. Finished.Copy !req
282. Drink?Copy !req
283. I've got e-mails.Copy !req
284. You know that's Gwendolyn Harris?Copy !req
285. The Labour candidate.Copy !req
286. Did you read my background doc?Copy !req
287. Yes.Copy !req
288. Why don't you read it tonight? Alone.Copy !req
289. I'll swing by about nine,
so have your breakfast first...Copy !req
290. Are you my dad?Copy !req
291. Apparently not. See you tomorrow.Copy !req
292. '.. Waldo the bear left
Monroe in stunned silence.Copy !req
293. 'The colourful Waldo
launched his own campaignCopy !req
294. 'in typically loud and
crowd-pleasing style...'Copy !req
295. Someone's bold? Do I know you?Copy !req
296. Nice way to greet a voter...Copy !req
297. Sorry, I thought you were...Copy !req
298. Actually, I'm more of a rival.Copy !req
299. "Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why
are you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?"Copy !req
300. You're good at that!Copy !req
301. Because I am that.Copy !req
302. What? You're that thing?Copy !req
303. Waldo's not a thing, he's a bear.Copy !req
304. Liam Monroe calls him worse.
Nice work there, by the way.Copy !req
305. Yeah, well. It's dick jokes
at his expense basically.Copy !req
306. Another one?Copy !req
307. OK. One.Copy !req
308. The way you describe it, it's like
you're doing this for a showreel...Copy !req
309. No...Copy !req
310. ..like this place is the equivalent
of a walk-on in a sketch show...Copy !req
311. Shh!Copy !req
312. .. but your party leader has to show
up because it's a... mid-thing...Copy !req
313. Midterm by-election.Copy !req
314. Terminology tits.Copy !req
315. You are 12!Copy !req
316. So because leaderballs is there,Copy !req
317. suddenly it's walk-on
in a Ricky Gervais sketch showCopy !req
318. so it's good exposure.Copy !req
319. You're not going to win,
you know you're not going to win...Copy !req
320. Come on, shh.Copy !req
321. You're not going to win though.Copy !req
322. Of course not.Copy !req
323. So, why not be honest?Copy !req
324. Say, "You arseholes aren't
going to vote for me,Copy !req
325. "so here's what I think anyway."?Copy !req
326. It doesn't work like that.Copy !req
327. Nothing does, that's why
everything's bollocksed.Copy !req
328. You're angry, for someone
who's doing well.Copy !req
329. I'm the voice of a blue bear...Copy !req
330. if that's, "doing well,"
then we are doomed!Copy !req
331. I can't see!Copy !req
332. Hang on, there's a thing.Copy !req
333. Have you had a fox in here or do you
live like a 14-year-old?Copy !req
334. Well, don't get too excited,
I'm not sleeping in it.Copy !req
335. Shit, really?Copy !req
336. You're amazing.Copy !req
337. Sorry?Copy !req
338. You're amazing?Copy !req
339. Oh, thank you!Copy !req
340. What's up?Copy !req
341. Nothing.Copy !req
342. Are you sure?Copy !req
343. It's just...Copy !req
344. ..I haven't been happy in a while...Copy !req
345. .. and this is good, you know?Copy !req
346. Hm.Copy !req
347. Can I... have your number?Copy !req
348. Yes!Copy !req
349. Where's our mark this morning?Copy !req
350. We're out on the road.Copy !req
351. Ooh... bien sur.Copy !req
352. Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe.
Vote for me and keep things shitty.Copy !req
353. Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!Copy !req
354. Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!Copy !req
355. 'You're right. Strong Tory.'Copy !req
356. 'I warned you.'Copy !req
357. You know you're on Monroe turf
when they live so far apart.Copy !req
358. I'm voting Waldo!Copy !req
359. I met Waldo last night.Copy !req
360. Jamie, the guy who plays him.Copy !req
361. He's fun.Copy !req
362. Fun?Copy !req
363. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
364. Did you tell him anything
about our campaign?Copy !req
365. Not really.Copy !req
366. Not really or no?Copy !req
367. Er, not really.Copy !req
368. Look, he's OK.Copy !req
369. He's a comedian -Copy !req
370. he's mocking Monroe now,
it'll be you next.Copy !req
371. His act is all f-this
and penis jokes.Copy !req
372. But...Copy !req
373. Don't see him again.Copy !req
374. OK. Job done till
the husting tomorrow.Copy !req
375. Some media students doing
a Question Time type thing.Copy !req
376. They've asked Waldo
to join the panel.Copy !req
377. Oh, come on. It's my nightmare,
going on Question Time.Copy !req
378. It's students, you'll walk it.Copy !req
379. I can't answer
serious questions...Copy !req
380. No-one wants you to!
You're the comic relief, lighten up.Copy !req
381. Erm, just have a look. I'm sure
you'll find lots in there...Copy !req
382. Are there any particular issues that
you're concerned about at all?Copy !req
383. Hey.Copy !req
384. Oh, hi.Copy !req
385. I thought we were going to...?Copy !req
386. Sorry - I've had a tough day...Copy !req
387. Right. Not even one?Copy !req
388. Sorry.Copy !req
389. Well, what about tomorrow?Copy !req
390. Look, I can't, when this
is happening, I can't see you.Copy !req
391. What do you mean?Copy !req
392. I'm sorry.Copy !req
393. Do they think that
looks like Question Time?Copy !req
394. Yeah. It looks politicsy.Copy !req
395. Check the host.Copy !req
396. Jailbait Dimbleby.Copy !req
397. When it comes to addiction
and addicts, we should sympathise,Copy !req
398. but we shouldn't patronise.Copy !req
399. You know, serious drug use is
a criminal offence, that isCopy !req
400. committed voluntarily
and for pleasure...Copy !req
401. Look, I'm sorry, these are the
facts.Copy !req
402. Waldo, what do you think?Copy !req
403. Mr Monroe, are you addicted?Copy !req
404. No.Copy !req
405. Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead?Copy !req
406. I think we have to ask ourselves...Copy !req
407. I think we have to ask ourselves,
what is this for?Copy !req
408. And why do we waste our time with
animated trivialities like him?Copy !req
409. I mean why?Copy !req
410. Why? I mean why?Copy !req
411. I mean why? I mean why?Copy !req
412. I mean why? I mean why?Copy !req
413. This is just the kind of thing...
rather than see you laugh...Copy !req
414. They laugh at you, Limbo.Copy !req
415. You laugh, you're laughing
at someone who won't engage.Copy !req
416. Who is scared to engage, who
hides behind a children's cartoon.Copy !req
417. Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool?Copy !req
418. I'm... I'm... I'm
speaking about James Salter.Copy !req
419. Hm?Copy !req
420. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
421. That's your name, isn't it?Copy !req
422. James Salter, this is the man
who's behind all this.Copy !req
423. He's 33 years old,Copy !req
424. a man whose career can be summed up
surprisingly quickly.Copy !req
425. You were in a sketch troupeCopy !req
426. that enjoyed minor success about
six years ago,Copy !req
427. and the others moved on to
better things,Copy !req
428. but your main achievement seems to
have been playingCopy !req
429. the part of a corn on the cobCopy !req
430. in a high-interest personal
loan commercial.Copy !req
431. I notice you keep that
pretty quiet.Copy !req
432. And now of course operating
this sort of teddy bear thing.Copy !req
433. Which by the way is easier than it
looks. Anyone could do it.Copy !req
434. See, this is... this is the thing.
It's easy, what he does.Copy !req
435. He mocks.Copy !req
436. And when he can't
think of an authentic joke,Copy !req
437. which is actually quite often,
he just swears.Copy !req
438. I think that this puppet's
inclusion on this panel debases theCopy !req
439. process of debate, and smothers any
meaningful discussion of the issues.Copy !req
440. So I return to my original question,
is that really what this is for?Copy !req
441. He has nothing to offer
and he has nothing to say.Copy !req
442. Prove me wrong. Hm?Copy !req
443. Speak, Waldo.Copy !req
444. Please. Come on. Speak up.Copy !req
445. There you see, nothing.Copy !req
446. Oh, go fuck yourself.Copy !req
447. It's more swearing.Copy !req
448. You're a joke.Copy !req
449. You look less human than I doCopy !req
450. and I'm a made-up bear with
a turquoise cock.Copy !req
451. What are you? You're just an old
attitude with new hair.Copy !req
452. Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously?Copy !req
453. No-one takes you seriously,
that's why no-one votes.Copy !req
454. The vast majority do vote.Copy !req
455. It's bullshit.Copy !req
456. Surely this is enough?Copy !req
457. You think you deserve respect.Copy !req
458. Just common courtesy.Copy !req
459. Because you went to public schoolCopy !req
460. and believed you were
entitled to everything.Copy !req
461. Perhaps we could get back...Copy !req
462. Ad hominem nonsense...Copy !req
463. Gwendolyn Harris...Copy !req
464. Something's got to change. No-one
trusts you lot cos they knowCopy !req
465. you don't give a shit about anything
outside your bubble.Copy !req
466. What about your mate Gladwell,
the kiddy-flasher?Copy !req
467. You knew him for 20 years,
did you not know what he was like?Copy !req
468. No, of course not.Copy !req
469. Yeah, cos you're all just front,
like him, sly and pretending,Copy !req
470. and in that way you're all the same.Copy !req
471. Gwendolyn Harris,
is all of politics a waste of time?Copy !req
472. Well, of course I think no...Copy !req
473. Oh, shut up, you're worse!Copy !req
474. Seriously, she's faker than him.Copy !req
475. For once I agree with
Liam Monroe in that this...Copy !req
476. Are you going to win?Copy !req
477. .. doesn't get us anywhere and
there's no point in us continuing...Copy !req
478. Tell them why you're here.Copy !req
479. .. if we can't have anything
resembling a deba...Copy !req
480. Tell them why you're here.Copy !req
481. She's here to build a showreel.Copy !req
482. I'm not kidding, that's literally
it.Copy !req
483. Knows she's not going to win.
This is all experience,Copy !req
484. to get on telly.Copy !req
485. She actually gives less of a shit
about anyone round here thanCopy !req
486. he does, because he'll actually
have to represent you.Copy !req
487. Am I wrong?Copy !req
488. A career politician.
Someone else less real than me,Copy !req
489. and I can do this.Copy !req
490. Can I just make
a couple of points?Copy !req
491. Oh, shut up, you pebble.Copy !req
492. What is this for? That's what you
wanted to know, Mr Monroe.Copy !req
493. And the truth is, none of us
know any more, thanks to you.Copy !req
494. What are you for? What are you for?Copy !req
495. Thank you and goodnight.Copy !req
496. Jamie.Copy !req
497. Jamie?Copy !req
498. Jack's here. He wants to see us.Copy !req
499. You can't avoid it.Copy !req
500. Get dressed, he'll meet us outside.Copy !req
501. 'And yet accusations of vapidity
aside,Copy !req
502. 'it's clearly tapped a nerve.Copy !req
503. 'in just three days, Waldo has gone
viral.Copy !req
504. 'The video of his clash has already
been viewed over a million timesCopy !req
505. 'on YouTube. There are Facebook
groups calling on WaldoCopy !req
506. 'to form a national party.'Copy !req
507. 'You're a joke.Copy !req
508. 'You look less human than I do
and I'm a made-up bear withCopy !req
509. 'a turquoise dick What are you?Copy !req
510. 'You're just an old attitude
with new hair.Copy !req
511. 'Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously.Copy !req
512. 'No-one takes you seriously.'Copy !req
513. Oh, look, here
he is the man of the moment!Copy !req
514. How does it feel to be a phenomenon?Copy !req
515. Shitifying.Copy !req
516. You are everywhere, my son.Copy !req
517. Twitter, the news...
Have you seen the poll?Copy !req
518. You're in third place, mate.Copy !req
519. You overtook that Lib Dem prick...Copy !req
520. Yeah, well, he's a glass of water.Copy !req
521. This is an opportunity, Jamie.Copy !req
522. He knows my name now.Copy !req
523. We could really do something here.Copy !req
524. You know, everyone's pissed
with the status quo.Copy !req
525. And Waldo gives that a voice.Copy !req
526. Waldo's a bear. A blue bear.Copy !req
527. Tell him, Tams.Copy !req
528. We've been asked on Consensus.Copy !req
529. It's a ten-minute one-to-one
interview with Phillip Crane.Copy !req
530. Pitbull Crane?Copy !req
531. Big guns for big guns.Copy !req
532. Hello? I'm not a politician, OK?
I don't want to be a politician.Copy !req
533. We know that you hate politics.Copy !req
534. I don't hate them,
I'm just not interested in them.Copy !req
535. You don't need to be
interested in them.Copy !req
536. You just need to be Waldo.Copy !req
537. And when Crane asks something tricky
and I look stupidCopy !req
538. because I don't know how to answer?Copy !req
539. You'll know the answer.Copy !req
540. Because you have a producer.Copy !req
541. Look, I can tell you what to say.Copy !req
542. I can live Google any facts,
give you stats, quotes,Copy !req
543. whatever else you need.Copy !req
544. So you've got a safety
net for the concrete stuffCopy !req
545. and the rest is Waldo
and you can do that in your sleep.Copy !req
546. You'll piss all over Crane.Copy !req
547. He'll know there's a team around me,
he'll see it.Copy !req
548. Yeah good. I hope he does.
I hope he points a camera at it.Copy !req
549. All the other MPs have got teams,
we're just more honest about it.Copy !req
550. Now come on. What d'you say? Eh?Copy !req
551. Jamie! Jamie!Copy !req
552. Why would I want to do this?Copy !req
553. Look, the world is knackered
and you can do something about it.Copy !req
554. I don't know what you're on about.Copy !req
555. Waldo has got the attention
of the young, and the young don'tCopy !req
556. give a shit about anything
except trainers and pirating films.Copy !req
557. Do you have any other astounding
theories about young people?Copy !req
558. Yeah, yeah I do actually.
Look, they care about Waldo.Copy !req
559. They'll vote for Waldo.Copy !req
560. The video was a hit for a reason.Copy !req
561. The video's embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed by it.Copy !req
562. I was lashing out.
I wasn't even articulate -Copy !req
563. Doesn't matter.
Or funny, which is almost worse.Copy !req
564. We can build on that.Copy !req
565. Waldo's not real.Copy !req
566. Exactly! That's what you said that
really hit home. He's not real,Copy !req
567. but he's realer than all the others.Copy !req
568. He doesn't stand for anything.Copy !req
569. Yeah, well, at least
he doesn't pretend to.Copy !req
570. Look we... we don't need politicians,Copy !req
571. we've all got iPhones
and computers, right?Copy !req
572. So any decision that has to be made,
any policy, we just put it online.Copy !req
573. Let the people vote thumbs up,
thumbs down, the majority wins.Copy !req
574. That's a democracy. That's a...
that's an actual democracy.Copy !req
575. So's YouTube and I don't know
if you've seen it but the mostCopy !req
576. popular video is a dog farting
the theme tune to Happy Days.Copy !req
577. Well, today it's Waldo.Copy !req
578. No. It's still the dog.Copy !req
579. Listen, can you imagine all
the things we can changeCopy !req
580. if we fuck the politicians
out the equation?Copy !req
581. I've said what I've said
and now I'm shutting this door.Copy !req
582. Do you know who owns Waldo?Copy !req
583. I do, I own the rights.Copy !req
584. He's my character.Copy !req
585. Yeah, written for my show.Copy !req
586. You're too frightened to take to
the next level. Fine. I understand.Copy !req
587. But also, fuck off!Copy !req
588. And watch me fly.Copy !req
589. You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo.Copy !req
590. Eh, Jamie, Jamie,
Jamie, what's 'appenin, eh?Copy !req
591. Pretty close, I'd say.Copy !req
592. What's happenin'? Ahh!Copy !req
593. Waldorific, yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
594. Why is it going off left again?Copy !req
595. Because the...Copy !req
596. I know! I've got my...Copy !req
597. Put your thumb in the white thing.Copy !req
598. I got that. In there? OK.Copy !req
599. That's not how that works.Copy !req
600. First tonight, a figure -
or more accurately a character -Copy !req
601. who's been causing an upset
in the Stentonford by-election.Copy !req
602. Unlike the other candidates,
he has no party affiliation.Copy !req
603. He doesn't even have a surname.Copy !req
604. He is Waldo, a few weeks ago just
a cult character in a comedy show.Copy !req
605. Today, an official
mascot for protest voters.Copy !req
606. Vote Waldo.Copy !req
607. Cartoons don't play by the rules
and Waldo's open disdainCopy !req
608. for his opponents
has clearly struck a chord.Copy !req
609. Waldo, as a mascot
for the disenfranchised, aren't youCopy !req
610. ultimately neutralizing seriously
effective dissent?Copy !req
611. Can I have subtitles for Mr Crane,
please?Copy !req
612. By encouraging people not to care,
you're actively dangerous.Copy !req
613. Dangerous? You think
the public can't be trusted?Copy !req
614. No.Copy !req
615. Isn't that basically you
calling them twats?Copy !req
616. No, I...Copy !req
617. Bell-ends then?Copy !req
618. Did you come for a discussion
or...Copy !req
619. You're snooty for a glorified
Punch And Judy man, Phil.Copy !req
620. You know you're gonna get your best
ratings in months cos I'm here.Copy !req
621. To even get close to the figures
I'm gonna pull in for you tonight,Copy !req
622. you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich
live on air.Copy !req
623. Make a nice prawn cocktail.Copy !req
624. Could we make a serious
political point that is...Copy !req
625. I've got one big blue point
to make, fool.Copy !req
626. Would you like to have a look at it?Copy !req
627. Oh, God. Thank you.Copy !req
628. Great work tonight. Look at... Look
at this, look at this.Copy !req
629. It's The Waldo polling app.
Now, this can pinpoint you with GPSCopy !req
630. so that when you're at a polling
station,Copy !req
631. it unlocks loads of free shit, look.Copy !req
632. Thanks for voting, dickhead!Copy !req
633. Thanks for voting, dickhead!Copy !req
634. It's good, isn't it?Copy !req
635. Who's this guy we're meeting?Copy !req
636. I dunno. But he's from Washington
and he's got my restricted number.Copy !req
637. Jeff Carter, from the agency.Copy !req
638. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
639. And I'll leap right in.Copy !req
640. I think what you're doing
with Waldo is fascinating.Copy !req
641. From "the agency"?Copy !req
642. Yeah, listen. Waldo may be
the perfect political figurehead.Copy !req
643. Waldo The Bear.Copy !req
644. The bear, people like.
The fact he's a bear is an assist.Copy !req
645. An assist?Copy !req
646. It helps.Copy !req
647. Right. You look at human
politicians,Copy !req
648. you're instinctively like,
"brrrr" - uncanny, right?Copy !req
649. Like the girls in porn.Copy !req
650. You know something's wrong,
cos why else are they doing it?Copy !req
651. It's usually daddy issues, eh?Copy !req
652. Just like politics.
Waldo bypasses that.Copy !req
653. You already know he's not real,
so no personal flaws.Copy !req
654. I'm a person.Copy !req
655. With respect, Waldo's more than you.Copy !req
656. He's a team, and you're open
about that, which is fantastic.Copy !req
657. The honesty thing works.Copy !req
658. Waldo is a construct
people not just accept but embrace.Copy !req
659. At the moment he's anti-politics,Copy !req
660. which is a political stance itself,
right?Copy !req
661. But he could deliver any brand
of political content,Copy !req
662. minus the potential downsides
of a human messenger.Copy !req
663. In a debate, your team could Google
every word the other guy says,Copy !req
664. then let Waldo hit him
with debunk statsCopy !req
665. and spit a Twitter-ready
zinger into the next sentence.Copy !req
666. He's the perfect assassin.Copy !req
667. We won't win, though.Copy !req
668. You guys are so British.Copy !req
669. No, of course he won't win. You
started out too coarse off the bat.Copy !req
670. There's no substantial basis
to what you offer, and the wholeCopy !req
671. nihilist "democracy sucks" thing,
yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo,Copy !req
672. but with a targeted, hopeful
message, which we can provide,Copy !req
673. energising the disenfranchised
without spooking the middleCopy !req
674. via your new platform... You got
a global political-entertainmentCopy !req
675. product people actually want.Copy !req
676. You could roll this out worldwide.Copy !req
677. Like Pringles.Copy !req
678. Absolutely.Copy !req
679. It's, er... It's interesting stuff
though.Copy !req
680. When you're done with Stentonford,Copy !req
681. there may be an opportunity
in South America.Copy !req
682. Se puede hablar espanol?Copy !req
683. Vivi en Madrid tres anos.Copy !req
684. Excelente.Copy !req
685. What?Copy !req
686. He's not coming.Copy !req
687. But he's the party leader!Copy !req
688. It's too toxic.Copy !req
689. Meanwhile, as support
for Gwendolyn HarrisCopy !req
690. appears to be dwindling,Copy !req
691. Labour denies the party is losing
faith in their young candidate.Copy !req
692. But Miss Harris spent most of
the day locked in crisis talksCopy !req
693. at party headqu...Copy !req
694. In the Stentonford by-election,
Waldo the cartoon bear continues...Copy !req
695. Did you see Gwendolyn Harris
yesterday?Copy !req
696. She looks like she's been poisoned.Copy !req
697. Because he's gonna overtake her.Copy !req
698. We're still way ahead.Copy !req
699. If that thing is the main opposition
then the whole system looks absurd.Copy !req
700. Which it may well be.Copy !req
701. But it built these roads.Copy !req
702. Just come in, Roy.Copy !req
703. I'm sorry, OK?Copy !req
704. It was wrong to speak to you
like that and...Copy !req
705. After the campaign,
I would've called you.Copy !req
706. After the campaign!Copy !req
707. All you've done
is strengthen Monroe.Copy !req
708. You won't win either, but I was
at least attempting to represent...Copy !req
709. Well I don't know!
Not just "bollocks to everything".Copy !req
710. If you were preaching revolution,
well that'd be something,Copy !req
711. but you're not because that would
require courage and a mindset.Copy !req
712. And what have you got?Copy !req
713. Who are you?Copy !req
714. What are you for?Copy !req
715. Morning.Copy !req
716. So, final push.Copy !req
717. You remind everyone
that's got the appCopy !req
718. that if they recommend it to a friend
it unlocks a little fez for Waldo.Copy !req
719. We're here.Copy !req
720. Attention, shoppers.Copy !req
721. I'm here to ask you an important
favour. Gather round.Copy !req
722. Come over here and listen.Copy !req
723. Don't vote for me. I'm an insult.Copy !req
724. Seriously.Copy !req
725. Vote for Monroe or Harris
or, I dunno, UKIP,Copy !req
726. or even that Lib Dem guy.Copy !req
727. He's a prick!Copy !req
728. Seriously, only an arsehole
would actually vote for me.Copy !req
729. What is this? Irony?Copy !req
730. I'm worse than a wasted vote.Copy !req
731. He's from the Harris campaign.Copy !req
732. I mean it, you idiots!
Don't vote for me!Copy !req
733. Don't vote for me!
Don't vote for me!Copy !req
734. Don't vote for me!Copy !req
735. Don't vmmmf!Copy !req
736. Shut up.Copy !req
737. No. Don't boo him,
he's right! He's right!Copy !req
738. What are you doing?Copy !req
739. Resigning.Copy !req
740. Jamie!Copy !req
741. Look! It's me, I'm Waldo.Copy !req
742. This guy, whoever this guy is,
he's a hero.Copy !req
743. You should throw stuff at Waldo,
he's bad bloody news.Copy !req
744. He's funny!Copy !req
745. He's not.Copy !req
746. Don't listen to that man,
he's a lesbian. Ahh!Copy !req
747. So remember, the polls are open,
and if you've got my app, you canCopy !req
748. unlock new stuff like catchphrases
and a little hat 'n' that.Copy !req
749. Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me
so question the status quo!Copy !req
750. Kill it! Kill it!Copy !req
751. Kick them where it hurts.Copy !req
752. The first man to hit him
gets 500 quid!Copy !req
753. Yeah, that's right. Knock him down.
Knock him down.Copy !req
754. Smash it!Copy !req
755. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
756. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah...Copy !req
757. I, the undersigned,Copy !req
758. being the returning
officer for the StentonfordCopy !req
759. and Hersham constituency, hereby
give notice that the total numberCopy !req
760. of votes recorded for each candidate
at the election is as follows.Copy !req
761. Finch, Simon Arthur.
Liberal Democrats.Copy !req
762. 2,449.Copy !req
763. Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour.Copy !req
764. 11,237.Copy !req
765. Monroe, Liam George Tennyson.
Conservative.Copy !req
766. 19,161.Copy !req
767. Waldo, Independent.Copy !req
768. 16,784.Copy !req
769. Ladies... Ladies and gentlemen,
please! I declare that Liam MonroeCopy !req
770. is duly elected member of Parliament
for the constituency.Copy !req
771. Hey, hey! Everyone!Copy !req
772. 500 quid to anyone
who can lob a shoe!Copy !req
773. Up you get, come on.Copy !req
774. Come on!Copy !req
775. Come on. Out you go.Copy !req
776. Oi!Copy !req
777. Agh!Copy !req