1. Ahem.Copy !req
2. They're ready for you.Copy !req
3. Gwendolyn Harris. We've met.Copy !req
4. Bournemouth.Copy !req
5. But you don't know the others.Copy !req
6. No, but I'm familiar with you.Copy !req
7. Why do you want to be an MP?Copy !req
8. Because I'm not satisfied
with the way things are,Copy !req
9. and rather than sit back and moan
I'd prefer to do something about it.Copy !req
10. Go again from the top.Copy !req
11. I don't know why anyone's surprised
the world's number one teen idolCopy !req
12. has become a Scientologist.Copy !req
13. Speed up the autocue, please.Copy !req
14. Pop stars do believe in weird things.Copy !req
15. 'Abba believed in angels.
R Kelly believed he could fly...'Copy !req
16. They said show you this.Copy !req
17. This happened just now?Copy !req
18. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
19. Gladwell?Copy !req
20. "Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell
resigns," - capitals -Copy !req
21. "over Twitter porn pics scandal."Copy !req
22. Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all.Copy !req
23. "Originally claimed
his account had been hacked,Copy !req
24. "resignation statement admits
inappropriate correspondenceCopy !req
25. "with a 15-year-old girl."Copy !req
26. So tweeting dick photos
is correspondence now, is it?Copy !req
27. "Departure triggers a by-electionCopy !req
28. "in his Stentonford and Hersham
constituency."Copy !req
29. Well, you get to use
the Gladwell stuff.Copy !req
30. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
31. Bump it all up to
the top of the monologue.Copy !req
32. Anyone seen Jamie?Copy !req
33. Rach?Copy !req
34. 'You really shouldn't be
calling me any more.Copy !req
35. 'You need to sort yourself out.'Copy !req
36. I am.Copy !req
37. 'Focus on Waldo,
that's going well for you.'Copy !req
38. But it is not...Copy !req
39. 'He's a hit, Jamie.'Copy !req
40. "He." Not me, "he".Copy !req
41. 'Just do your show.'Copy !req
42. I will. I mean, hon,
if you'd just...Copy !req
43. Jamie?Copy !req
44. Jamie, hurry up.Copy !req
45. What do you know about
Stentonford and Hersham?Copy !req
46. Safe Tory seat.Copy !req
47. So, realistically, I know there's
not much of a chance, but...Copy !req
48. So, it's a stepping stone for you?Copy !req
49. Yes.Copy !req
50. Obviously, I wouldn't say
that outside of this room,Copy !req
51. but, well,
you want me to be honest.Copy !req
52. There's no point in pretending.Copy !req
53. Is there anything in your past that
might conceivably cause problems?Copy !req
54. No.Copy !req
55. Except...Copy !req
56. I did commit a series
of murders in HuddersfieldCopy !req
57. between 1999 and 2003.Copy !req
58. But apart from that...Copy !req
59. Well, thank you, Gwendolyn.Copy !req
60. If you could leave via that door.Copy !req
61. Oh, that door?Copy !req
62. We like to keep
the candidates separate.Copy !req
63. Right, yes.Copy !req
64. Idiot. Idiot!Copy !req
65. Shamed super groomer and all-round
pillock of the communityCopy !req
66. Jason Gladwell
has resigned as an MP,Copy !req
67. saying he could no longer
maintain his position.Copy !req
68. That position, presumably,
being hunched overCopy !req
69. wanking madly at school kids.Copy !req
70. 'A pal of Gladwell said...'Copy !req
71. You ready?Copy !req
72. Uh-huh.Copy !req
73. How old the girl wasn't.Copy !req
74. That's the sort of feeble excuseCopy !req
75. 'only a naive school kid
would swallow -Copy !req
76. 'which, presumably, was the idea.Copy !req
77. 'Anyway, the bad news is
he's resigned in disgrace.'Copy !req
78. The good news is he's now
free to pursue a full-time careerCopy !req
79. in the disgraced paedophile
industry.Copy !req
80. Personally, I don't understand
why anyone's surprised...Copy !req
81. Um, small change to the intro.Copy !req
82. What?Copy !req
83. - Nothing huge, Conor wanted the Jacko
gag for the monologue, so...
- That was my bit.Copy !req
84. - There is the Chancellor stuff,
you could use that.
- Bit politics.Copy !req
85. You can do politics.Copy !req
86. I do piss-taking.Copy !req
87. Go be Waldo.Copy !req
88. Yes, commander.Copy !req
89. 'R Kelly believed he could fly,Copy !req
90. 'and Michael Jackson believed
that his doctor was qualified...'Copy !req
91. Big ball blue bear bollocks.Copy !req
92. And now it's time
for our final visitCopy !req
93. to the world of educational
children's programmingCopy !req
94. courtesy of everyone's favourite,Copy !req
95. and only occasionally inappropriate
cool kids' TV character,Copy !req
96. Waldo.Copy !req
97. Whose mum's in tonight, apparently.Copy !req
98. Waldo, who have you had
in your cave this week?Copy !req
99. Well, Conor,
in my big pink cave this weekCopy !req
100. I had former Minister
for Culture Liam Monroe.Copy !req
101. Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he?Copy !req
102. I was hoping he'd nosh me off!Copy !req
103. Want to see how it panned out?Copy !req
104. I think we should.Copy !req
105. Run VT!Copy !req
106. Hey, everybody!Copy !req
107. It's Waldo time!Copy !req
108. Yeah!Copy !req
109. Cool! Cool!Copy !req
110. Waldo-rrific!Copy !req
111. Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
112. Hey, kids,
my guest this week is Mr Monroe.Copy !req
113. Hello, Mr Monroe.Copy !req
114. Hello, Waldo.Copy !req
115. Mr Monroe is a politician.Copy !req
116. So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe?Copy !req
117. Well, a politician is someoneCopy !req
118. who tries to make the
world a fairer place.Copy !req
119. Like Batman.Copy !req
120. Not exactly like Batman.Copy !req
121. Do you beat people up?Copy !req
122. No, I don't beat people up.Copy !req
123. Oh, you're a pussy then?Copy !req
124. Well, I'm not sure
I know exactly what...Copy !req
125. You don't know what pussy is?Copy !req
126. OK, this is clearly
some kind of joke.Copy !req
127. No joke, sorry, let's move on.Copy !req
128. Friends again?Copy !req
129. Oh, hello, mate, great show.Copy !req
130. Well done, really good.Copy !req
131. So, we'll bring him over.Copy !req
132. You go and get him,
I'll explain about...Copy !req
133. 'Now, he comes across...'Copy !req
134. Jamie!Copy !req
135. What you want, Miss Tamsin?Copy !req
136. Behind me, man in glasses
talking to Jack Napier.Copy !req
137. - Jack freaks me out.
- Yeah, ditto,Copy !req
138. but he owns the company and the man he's
with is important and wants to talk to you.Copy !req
139. He's from the channel.Copy !req
140. Go on.Copy !req
141. - 'Honestly, all I'm saying...'
- 'Is he shy?'Copy !req
142. 'No, all I'm saying is
he's a terrific guy...'Copy !req
143. Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim.Copy !req
144. How do you do?Copy !req
145. Jim, Jack, James.Copy !req
146. Jamie.Copy !req
147. Jim was just talking about Waldo.Copy !req
148. Yeah. Liam Monroe
has lodged a complaint.Copy !req
149. Toys out the pram.Copy !req
150. And that's...?Copy !req
151. Good press.Copy !req
152. It's so tough to get
a breakthrough these days,Copy !req
153. but when it does,
well, it's just fantastic.Copy !req
154. It's fantastic the way Waldo puts
the piss up Monroe.Copy !req
155. You know, all those twats,
it's punk, it's... it's...Copy !req
156. 'Jack?'Copy !req
157. Excuse me.Copy !req
158. Well, Twitter can't get
enough of Waldo, loves him.Copy !req
159. Look, I know the show's
coming back again next year,Copy !req
160. but we want to see more of Waldo.Copy !req
161. They want to do a pilot.Copy !req
162. A Waldo pilot?Copy !req
163. Yeah. I mean, how does that sound?Copy !req
164. Yeah. Sounds good.Copy !req
165. Sounds stormin' Norman,
fucking stormin'.Copy !req
166. Going to give it to 'em.Copy !req
167. But look, we can't do sketches
without Waldo.Copy !req
168. It's a Waldo pilot,
it's a Waldo show,Copy !req
169. it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.Copy !req
170. Realistically, there isn't
the budget for other animations.Copy !req
171. I mean live action,
other characters I can do.Copy !req
172. What about the Brown Knight?Copy !req
173. What, the crap crusader?Copy !req
174. We can look into the Brown Knight.Copy !req
175. But right now
let's find more Waldo ideas.Copy !req
176. The problem is, any guests
we book will be in on it.Copy !req
177. They know that Waldo's a joke,
the surprise is gone.Copy !req
178. So, we think round that.Copy !req
179. Hey, boys and girls!
It's Waldo time!Copy !req
180. Yeah! Ha-ha!Copy !req
181. He's awesome, isn't he?Copy !req
182. I mean, look - sod name in lights,
you're an app now, my brother.Copy !req
183. All right, Sara? How's the
think tanking going, good shit?Copy !req
184. Um, yeah, yeah,
we're making headway.Copy !req
185. Good.Copy !req
186. I see our friend Monroe
is in the news again,Copy !req
187. running in
the Stentonford by-election.Copy !req
188. We should get Waldo down there.Copy !req
189. Hey, that's not a bad idea,
actually.Copy !req
190. We get a van with a screen with
the image of Waldo on the side.Copy !req
191. Like it.Copy !req
192. And then, when Monroe's
doing a meet and greet,Copy !req
193. we just turn up
and just get under his skin.Copy !req
194. I love that, I love it.Copy !req
195. We've done Monroe.Copy !req
196. But it was a great bit.Copy !req
197. I'm not dumb or clever enough
to be political...Copy !req
198. Why don't we get Waldo
to stand for the by-election?Copy !req
199. - Get people to vote for him?
- He's not real.Copy !req
200. But people have stood as
fictional characters before.Copy !req
201. Do you think Screaming
Lord Sutch was his real name?Copy !req
202. We just put "commonly known as"
on the ballot.Copy !req
203. No-one's actually going to vote
for him, that's not the point.Copy !req
204. The point is, we get to hang around,
we're there for the count.Copy !req
205. Well, go on then, Sara,
whack it up there.Copy !req
206. 'He's with a mum and baby group.'Copy !req
207. OK. Going live
in five... four... three two...Copy !req
208. 'Thank you so much
for joining me this morning.'Copy !req
209. It's been incredibly informativeCopy !req
210. and I think we should have a little
round of applause for the children,Copy !req
211. who were fantastic.Copy !req
212. Thank you, Naomi.Copy !req
213. Thank you for your time.Copy !req
214. Hey!Copy !req
215. Hey, it's me Waldo.Copy !req
216. Oh. I like your trainers, man!Copy !req
217. I'd wear trainers myself
but I can't cos I haven't got feet.Copy !req
218. I've got stumps.Copy !req
219. He's out.Copy !req
220. Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe.Copy !req
221. Hey! Did you get off with
any of the mums?Copy !req
222. Where'd you look while
they were breastfeeding?Copy !req
223. They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe!Copy !req
224. He said it!Copy !req
225. Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me!Copy !req
226. - I'm sorry about this, Liam.
- Hey, I'm being snubbed!Copy !req
227. Hey, don't ignore me.
Don't just get in your car.Copy !req
228. It's a death trap anyway,
look at it!Copy !req
229. Let's find out what we can about
the idiot inside that thing.Copy !req
230. Sure.Copy !req
231. Mr Monroe. Oi!Copy !req
232. 'Stentonford Labour Party.'Copy !req
233. Right, you've got
a choice of styles,Copy !req
234. so just choose one from there.
Then you put your name in there.Copy !req
235. This is like bloody Moonpig.Copy !req
236. Don't knock the free mail out.Copy !req
237. Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some
Fisher-Price leaflet app.Copy !req
238. He doesn't have to.Copy !req
239. Day one of the campaign
in Stentonford and Hersham,Copy !req
240. and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe
hits the ground running.Copy !req
241. The license fee is something
that's very close to my heart...Copy !req
242. 'Mr Monroe, ey! Oh, oh, oh!
Look at me Mr Monroe, please!'Copy !req
243. Hey, over here! Hey, over here...Copy !req
244. Look over here, Mr Monroe...Copy !req
245. The Conservative Party
have been, er...Copy !req
246. Have been arguing for a reduction
of the license fee for...Copy !req
247. - Good morning, everybody.
- Pardon?Copy !req
248. Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?
Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?Copy !req
249. I beg your pardon.Copy !req
250. I'm sorry. It's rather loud.Copy !req
251. We have argued for a further
reduction in the license fee...Copy !req
252. Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?Copy !req
253. Mum with a pushchair -
drag her into it.Copy !req
254. Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair.Copy !req
255. Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroe
why he's ignoring me.Copy !req
256. Why are you ignoring Waldo?Copy !req
257. 'Mr Monroe, what's Waldo
done to you?'Copy !req
258. We should probably just shift
before this turns stupid.Copy !req
259. I'm not walking away from a cartoon.Copy !req
260. 'I'm not ignoring you.'Copy !req
261. Yeah, you were, you upset me.Copy !req
262. You made Waldo sad.Copy !req
263. Wa-a-a-a-a-a-ah.Copy !req
264. Well, obviously, I'm absolutely
devastated that you're upset...Copy !req
265. WA-A-A-A-A-A-A...Copy !req
266. Let him get a word in.Copy !req
267. I'm not ignoring you
because there is no you.Copy !req
268. You are an image voiced
by a comedian -Copy !req
269. an alleged comedian,
more accurately.Copy !req
270. If I'm not real,
why you talking to him?Copy !req
271. And by "him" I mean me, knobber!Copy !req
272. There's no point in attempting
to converse with a cartoon.Copy !req
273. Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship!Copy !req
274. Thy flowery language doth give
me a right throbbing bone-on!Copy !req
275. Uh-ha-ha-ha-huh!Copy !req
276. Uh-er-ha-ha!Copy !req
277. Ha-ha-ha-ha-uh-uh-uh!Copy !req
278. Uh-uh-uh-oh! Huh!Copy !req
279. Finished.Copy !req
280. Drink?Copy !req
281. I've got e-mails.Copy !req
282. You know that's Gwendolyn Harris?Copy !req
283. The Labour candidate.Copy !req
284. Did you read my background doc?Copy !req
285. Yes.Copy !req
286. Why don't you read it tonight? Alone.Copy !req
287. I'll swing by about nine,
so have your breakfast first...Copy !req
288. Are you my dad?Copy !req
289. Apparently not. See you tomorrow.Copy !req
290. '.. Waldo the bear left
Monroe in stunned silence.Copy !req
291. 'The colourful Waldo
launched his own campaignCopy !req
292. 'in typically loud and
crowd-pleasing style...'Copy !req
293. Someone's bold? Do I know you?Copy !req
294. Nice way to greet a voter...Copy !req
295. Sorry, I thought you were...Copy !req
296. Actually, I'm more of a rival.Copy !req
297. "Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why
are you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?"Copy !req
298. You're good at that!Copy !req
299. Because I am that.Copy !req
300. What? You're that thing?Copy !req
301. Waldo's not a thing, he's a bear.Copy !req
302. Liam Monroe calls him worse.
Nice work there, by the way.Copy !req
303. Yeah, well. It's dick jokes
at his expense basically.Copy !req
304. Another one?Copy !req
305. OK. One.Copy !req
306. The way you describe it, it's like
you're doing this for a showreel...Copy !req
307. No...Copy !req
308. like this place is the equivalent
of a walk-on in a sketch show...Copy !req
309. Shh!Copy !req
310. But your party leader has to show
up because it's a... mid-thing...Copy !req
311. Midterm by-election.Copy !req
312. Terminology tits.Copy !req
313. You are 12!Copy !req
314. So because leaderballs is there,Copy !req
315. suddenly it's walk-on
in a Ricky Gervais sketch showCopy !req
316. so it's good exposure.Copy !req
317. - You're not going to win, you know
you're not going to win...
- Come on, shh.Copy !req
318. You're not going to win though.Copy !req
319. Of course not.Copy !req
320. So, why not be honest?Copy !req
321. Say, "You arseholes aren't
going to vote for me,Copy !req
322. "so here's what I think anyway."?Copy !req
323. - It doesn't work like that.
- Nothing does, that's why
everything's bollocksed.Copy !req
324. You're angry, for someone
who's doing well.Copy !req
325. I'm the voice of a blue bear...Copy !req
326. if that's, "doing well,"
then we are doomed!Copy !req
327. I can't see!Copy !req
328. Hang on, there's a thing.Copy !req
329. Have you had a fox in here or do you
live like a 14-year-old?Copy !req
330. Well, don't get too excited,
I'm not sleeping in it.Copy !req
331. Shit, really?Copy !req
332. You're amazing.Copy !req
333. Sorry?Copy !req
334. You're amazing?Copy !req
335. Oh, thank you!Copy !req
336. What's up?Copy !req
337. Nothing.Copy !req
338. Are you sure?Copy !req
339. It's just...Copy !req
340. I haven't been happy in a while...Copy !req
341. and this is good, you know?Copy !req
342. Hm.Copy !req
343. Can I... have your number?Copy !req
344. Yes!Copy !req
345. Where's our mark this morning?Copy !req
346. We're out on the road.Copy !req
347. Ooh... bien sur.Copy !req
348. Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe.
Vote for me and keep things shitty.Copy !req
349. Ha-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
350. Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!Copy !req
351. 'You're right. Strong Tory.'Copy !req
352. 'I warned you.'Copy !req
353. You know you're on Monroe turf
when they live so far apart.Copy !req
354. I'm voting Waldo!Copy !req
355. I met Waldo last night.Copy !req
356. Jamie, the guy who plays him.Copy !req
357. He's fun.Copy !req
358. Fun?Copy !req
359. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
360. Did you tell him anything
about our campaign?Copy !req
361. Not really.Copy !req
362. Not really or no?Copy !req
363. Er, not really.Copy !req
364. Look, he's OK.Copy !req
365. He's a comedian -Copy !req
366. he's mocking Monroe now,
it'll be you next.Copy !req
367. His act is all f-this
and penis jokes.Copy !req
368. But...Copy !req
369. Don't see him again.Copy !req
370. OK. Job done till
the husting tomorrow.Copy !req
371. Some media students doing
a Question Time type thing.Copy !req
372. They've asked Waldo
to join the panel.Copy !req
373. Oh, come on. It's my nightmare,
going on Question Time.Copy !req
374. It's students, you'll walk it.Copy !req
375. I can't answer
serious questions...Copy !req
376. No-one wants you to!
You're the comic relief, lighten up.Copy !req
377. Erm, just have a look. I'm sure
you'll find lots in there...Copy !req
378. Are there any particular issues that
you're concerned about at all?Copy !req
379. Hey.Copy !req
380. Oh, hi.Copy !req
381. - I thought we were going to...?
- Sorry - I've had a tough day...Copy !req
382. Right. Not even one?Copy !req
383. Sorry.Copy !req
384. Well, what about tomorrow?Copy !req
385. - Look, I can't, when this is happening,
I can't see you.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
386. I'm sorry.Copy !req
387. Do they think that
looks like Question Time?Copy !req
388. Yeah. It looks politicsy.Copy !req
389. Check the host.Copy !req
390. Jailbait Dimbleby.Copy !req
391. When it comes to addiction
and addicts, we should sympathise,Copy !req
392. but we shouldn't patronise.Copy !req
393. You know, serious drug use is
a criminal of fence, that isCopy !req
394. committed voluntarily
and for pleasure...Copy !req
395. Look, I'm sorry, these are the
facts.Copy !req
396. Waldo, what do you think?Copy !req
397. Mr Monroe, are you addicted?Copy !req
398. No.Copy !req
399. Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead?Copy !req
400. I think we have to ask ourselves...Copy !req
401. I think we have to ask ourselves,
what is this for?Copy !req
402. And why do we waste our time with
animated trivialities like him?Copy !req
403. I mean why?Copy !req
404. Why? I mean why?Copy !req
405. I mean why? I mean why?Copy !req
406. I mean why? I mean why?Copy !req
407. This is just the kind of thing...
rather than see you laugh...Copy !req
408. They laugh at you, Limbo.Copy !req
409. You laugh, you're laughing
at someone who won't engage.Copy !req
410. Who is scared to engage, who
hides behind a children's cartoon.Copy !req
411. Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool?Copy !req
412. I'm... I'm... I'm
speaking about James Salter.Copy !req
413. Hm?Copy !req
414. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
415. That's your name, isn't it?Copy !req
416. James Salter, this is the man
who's behind all this.Copy !req
417. He's 33 years old,Copy !req
418. a man whose career can be summed up
surprisingly quickly.Copy !req
419. You were in a sketch troupeCopy !req
420. that enjoyed minor success about
six years ago,Copy !req
421. and the others moved on to
better things,Copy !req
422. but your main achievement seems to
have been playingCopy !req
423. the part of a corn on the cobCopy !req
424. in a high-interest personal
loan commercial.Copy !req
425. I notice you keep that
pretty quiet.Copy !req
426. And now of course operating
this sort of teddy bear thing.Copy !req
427. Which by the way is easier than it
looks. Anyone could do it.Copy !req
428. See, this is... this is the thing.
It's easy, what he does.Copy !req
429. He mocks.Copy !req
430. And when he can't
think of an authentic joke,Copy !req
431. which is actually quite often,
he just swears.Copy !req
432. I think that this puppet's
inclusion on this panel debases theCopy !req
433. process of debate, and smothers any
meaningful discussion of the issues.Copy !req
434. So I return to my original question,
is that really what this is for?Copy !req
435. He has nothing to offer
and he has nothing to say.Copy !req
436. Prove me wrong. Hm?Copy !req
437. Speak, Waldo.Copy !req
438. Please. Come on. Speak up.Copy !req
439. There you see, nothing.Copy !req
440. Oh, go fuck yourself.Copy !req
441. It's more swearing.Copy !req
442. You're a joke.Copy !req
443. You look less human than I doCopy !req
444. and I'm a made-up bear with
a turquoise cock.Copy !req
445. What are you? You're just an old
attitude with new hair.Copy !req
446. Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously?Copy !req
447. No-one takes you seriously,
that's why no-one votes.Copy !req
448. The vast majority do vote.Copy !req
449. It's bullshit.Copy !req
450. Surely this is enough?Copy !req
451. You think you deserve respect.Copy !req
452. Just common courtesy.Copy !req
453. Because you went to public schoolCopy !req
454. and believed you were
entitled to everything.Copy !req
455. - Perhaps we could get back...
- Ad hominem nonsense...Copy !req
456. Gwendolyn Harris...Copy !req
457. Something's got to change. No-one
trusts you lot cos they knowCopy !req
458. you don't give a shit about anything
outside your bubble.Copy !req
459. What about your mate Gladwell,
the kiddy-flasher?Copy !req
460. You knew him for 20 years,
did you not know what he was like?Copy !req
461. No, of course not.Copy !req
462. Yeah, cos you're all just front,
like him, sly and pretending,Copy !req
463. and in that way you're all the same.Copy !req
464. Gwendolyn Harris,
is all of politics a waste of time?Copy !req
465. Well, of course I think no...Copy !req
466. Oh, shut up, you're worse!Copy !req
467. Seriously, she's faker than him.Copy !req
468. - For once I agree with Liam Monroe
in that this...
- Are you going to win?Copy !req
469. Doesn't get us anywhere and
there's no point in us continuing...Copy !req
470. Tell them why you're here.Copy !req
471. If we can't have anything
resembling a deba...Copy !req
472. Tell them why you're here.Copy !req
473. She's here to build a showreel.Copy !req
474. I'm not kidding, that's literally
it.Copy !req
475. Knows she's not going to win.
This is all experience,Copy !req
476. to get on telly.Copy !req
477. She actually gives less of a shit
about anyone round here thanCopy !req
478. he does, because he'll actually
have to represent you.Copy !req
479. Am I wrong?Copy !req
480. A career politician.
Someone else less real than me,Copy !req
481. and I can do this.Copy !req
482. Can I just make
a couple of points?Copy !req
483. Oh, shut up, you pebble.Copy !req
484. What is this for? That's what you
wanted to know, Mr Monroe.Copy !req
485. And the truth is, none of us
know any more, thanks to you.Copy !req
486. What are you for? What are you for?Copy !req
487. Thank you and goodnight.Copy !req
488. Jamie.Copy !req
489. Jamie?Copy !req
490. Jack's here. He wants to see us.Copy !req
491. You can't avoid it.Copy !req
492. Get dressed, he'll meet us outside.Copy !req
493. 'And yet accusations of vapidity
aside,Copy !req
494. 'it's clearly tapped a nerve.Copy !req
495. 'In just three days, Waldo has gone
viral.Copy !req
496. 'The video of his clash has already
been viewed over a million timesCopy !req
497. 'on YouTube. There are Facebook
groups calling on WaldoCopy !req
498. 'to form a national party.'Copy !req
499. 'You're a joke.Copy !req
500. 'You look less human than I do
and I'm a made-up bear withCopy !req
501. 'a turquoise (BLEEP) What are you?Copy !req
502. 'You're just an old attitude
with new hair.Copy !req
503. 'Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously.Copy !req
504. 'No-one takes you (BLEEP)
seriously.'Copy !req
505. Oh, look, here
he is the man of the moment!Copy !req
506. How does it feel to be a phenomenon?Copy !req
507. Shitifying.Copy !req
508. You are everywhere, my son.Copy !req
509. Twitter, the news...
Have you seen the poll?Copy !req
510. You're in third place, mate.Copy !req
511. You overtook that Lib Dem prick...Copy !req
512. - Yeah, well, he's a glass of water.
- This is an opportunity, Jamie.Copy !req
513. He knows my name now.Copy !req
514. We could really do something here.Copy !req
515. You know, everyone's pissed
with the status quo.Copy !req
516. And Waldo gives that a voice.Copy !req
517. Waldo's a bear. A blue bear.Copy !req
518. Tell him, Tams.Copy !req
519. We've been asked on Consensus.Copy !req
520. It's a ten-minute one-to-one
interview with Phillip Crane.Copy !req
521. Pitbull Crane?Copy !req
522. Big guns for big guns.Copy !req
523. Hello? I'm not a politician, OK?
I don't want to be a politician.Copy !req
524. We know that you hate politics.Copy !req
525. I don't hate them,
I'm just not interested in them.Copy !req
526. You don't need to be
interested in them.Copy !req
527. You just need to be Waldo.Copy !req
528. And when Crane asks something tricky and I look
stupid because I don't know how to answer?Copy !req
529. You'll know the answer.Copy !req
530. Because you have a producer.Copy !req
531. Look, I can tell you what to say.Copy !req
532. I can live Google any facts,
give you stats, quotes,Copy !req
533. whatever else you need.Copy !req
534. So you've got a safety
net for the concrete stuffCopy !req
535. and the rest is Waldo
and you can do that in your sleep.Copy !req
536. You'll piss all over Crane.Copy !req
537. He'll know there's a team around me,
he'll see it.Copy !req
538. Yeah good. I hope he does.
I hope he points a camera at it.Copy !req
539. All the other MPs have got teams,
we're just more honest about it.Copy !req
540. Now come on. What d'you say? Eh?Copy !req
541. Jamie! Jamie!Copy !req
542. Why would I want to do this?Copy !req
543. Look, the world is knackered
and you can do something about it.Copy !req
544. I don't know what you're on about.Copy !req
545. Waldo has got the attention
of the young, and the young don'tCopy !req
546. give a shit about anything
except trainers and pirating films.Copy !req
547. Do you have any other astounding
theories about young people?Copy !req
548. Yeah, yeah I do actually.
Look, they care about Waldo.Copy !req
549. They'll vote for Waldo.Copy !req
550. The video was a hit for a reason.Copy !req
551. The video's embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed by it.Copy !req
552. I was lashing out.
I wasn't even articulate -Copy !req
553. Doesn't matter.
Or funny, which is almost worse.Copy !req
554. We can build on that.Copy !req
555. Waldo's not real.Copy !req
556. Exactly! That's what you said that
really hit home. He's not real,Copy !req
557. but he's realer than all the others.Copy !req
558. He doesn't stand for anything.Copy !req
559. Yeah, well, at least
he doesn't pretend to.Copy !req
560. Look we... we don't need politicians,Copy !req
561. we've all got iPhones
and computers, right?Copy !req
562. So any decision that has to be made,
any policy, we just put it online.Copy !req
563. Let the people vote thumbs up,
thumbs down, the majority wins.Copy !req
564. That's a democracy. That's a...
that's an actual democracy.Copy !req
565. So's YouTube and I don't know
if you've seen it but the mostCopy !req
566. popular video is a dog farting
the theme tune to Happy Days.Copy !req
567. Well, today it's Waldo.Copy !req
568. No. It's still the dog.Copy !req
569. Listen, can you imagine all
the things we can changeCopy !req
570. if we fuck the politicians
out the equation?Copy !req
571. I've said what I've said
and now I'm shutting this door.Copy !req
572. Do you know who owns Waldo?Copy !req
573. I do, I own the rights.Copy !req
574. He's my character.Copy !req
575. Yeah, written for my show.Copy !req
576. You're too frightened to take to
the next level. Fine. I understand.Copy !req
577. But also, fuck off!Copy !req
578. And watch me fly.Copy !req
579. You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo.Copy !req
580. Eh, Jamie, Jamie,
Jamie, what's 'appenin, eh?Copy !req
581. Pretty close, I'd say.Copy !req
582. What's happenin'? Ahh!Copy !req
583. Waldorific, yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
584. Why is it going off left again?Copy !req
585. Because the...Copy !req
586. - I know! I've got my...
- Put your thumb in the white thing.Copy !req
587. I got that. In there? OK.Copy !req
588. That's not how that works.Copy !req
589. First tonight, a figure -
or more accurately a character -Copy !req
590. who's been causing an upset
in the Stentonford by-election.Copy !req
591. Unlike the other candidates,
he has no party affiliation.Copy !req
592. He doesn't even have a surname.Copy !req
593. He is Waldo, a few weeks ago just
a cult character in a comedy show.Copy !req
594. Today, an official
mascot for protest voters.Copy !req
595. Vote Waldo.Copy !req
596. Cartoons don't play by the rules
and Waldo's open disdainCopy !req
597. for his opponents
has clearly struck a chord.Copy !req
598. Waldo, as a mascot
for the disenfranchised, aren't youCopy !req
599. ultimately neutralizing seriously
effective dissent?Copy !req
600. Can I have subtitles for Mr Crane,
please?Copy !req
601. By encouraging people not to care,
you're actively dangerous.Copy !req
602. Dangerous? You think
the public can't be trusted?Copy !req
603. No.Copy !req
604. Isn't that basically you
calling them twats?Copy !req
605. No, I...Copy !req
606. Bell-ends then?Copy !req
607. Did you come for a discussion
or...Copy !req
608. You're snooty for a glorified
Punch And Judy man, Phil.Copy !req
609. You know you're gonna get your best
ratings in months cos I'm here.Copy !req
610. To even get close to the figures
I'm gonna pull in for you tonight,Copy !req
611. you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich
live on air.Copy !req
612. Make a nice prawn cocktail.Copy !req
613. Could we make a serious
political point that is...Copy !req
614. I've got one big blue point
to make, fool.Copy !req
615. - Would you like to have a look at it?
- Oh, God. Thank you.Copy !req
616. Great work tonight. Look at... Look
at this, look at this.Copy !req
617. It's The Waldo polling app.
Now, this can pinpoint you with GPSCopy !req
618. so that when you're at a polling
station,Copy !req
619. it unlocks loads of free shit, look.Copy !req
620. Thanks for voting, dickhead!Copy !req
621. It's good, isn't it?Copy !req
622. Who's this guy we're meeting?Copy !req
623. I dunno. But he's from Washington
and he's got my restricted number.Copy !req
624. Jeff Carter, from the agency.Copy !req
625. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
626. And I'll leap right in.Copy !req
627. I think what you're doing
with Waldo is fascinating.Copy !req
628. From "the agency"?Copy !req
629. Yeah, listen. Waldo may be
the perfect political figurehead.Copy !req
630. Waldo The Bear.Copy !req
631. The bear, people like.
The fact he's a bear is an assist.Copy !req
632. - An assist?
- It helps.Copy !req
633. Right. You look at human
politicians,Copy !req
634. you're instinctively like,
"brrrr" - uncanny, right?Copy !req
635. Like the girls in porn.Copy !req
636. You know something's wrong,
cos why else are they doing it?Copy !req
637. It's usually daddy issues, eh?Copy !req
638. Just like politics.
Waldo bypasses that.Copy !req
639. You already know he's not real,
so no personal flaws.Copy !req
640. I'm a person.Copy !req
641. With respect, Waldo's more than you.Copy !req
642. He's a team, and you're open
about that, which is fantastic.Copy !req
643. The honesty thing works.Copy !req
644. Waldo is a construct
people not just accept but embrace.Copy !req
645. At the moment he's anti-politics,Copy !req
646. which is a political stance itself,
right?Copy !req
647. But he could deliver any brand
of political content,Copy !req
648. minus the potential downsides
of a human messenger.Copy !req
649. In a debate, your team could Google
every word the other guy says,Copy !req
650. then let Waldo hit him
with debunk statsCopy !req
651. and spit a Twitter-ready
zinger into the next sentence.Copy !req
652. He's the perfect assassin.Copy !req
653. We won't win, though.Copy !req
654. You guys are so British.Copy !req
655. No, of course he won't win. You
started out too coarse off the bat.Copy !req
656. There's no substantial basis
to what you offer, and the wholeCopy !req
657. nihilist "democracy sucks" thing,
yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo,Copy !req
658. but with a targeted, hopeful
message, which we can provide,Copy !req
659. energising the disenfranchised
without spooking the middleCopy !req
660. via your new platform... You got
a global political-entertainmentCopy !req
661. product people actually want.Copy !req
662. You could roll this out worldwide.Copy !req
663. Like Pringles.Copy !req
664. Absolutely.Copy !req
665. It's, er... It's interesting stuff
though.Copy !req
666. When you're done with Stentonford,Copy !req
667. there may be an opportunity
in South America.Copy !req
668. Se puede hablar espanol?Copy !req
669. Vivi en Madrid tres anos.Copy !req
670. Excelente.Copy !req
671. What?Copy !req
672. He's not coming.Copy !req
673. But he's the party leader!Copy !req
674. It's too toxic.Copy !req
675. Meanwhile,
as support for Gwendolyn HarrisCopy !req
676. appears to be dwindling,Copy !req
677. Labour denies the party is losing
faith in their young candidate.Copy !req
678. But Miss Harris spent most of
the day locked in crisis talksCopy !req
679. at party headqu...Copy !req
680. In the Stentonford by-election,
Waldo the cartoon bear continues...Copy !req
681. Did you see Gwendolyn Harris
yesterday?Copy !req
682. She looks like she's been poisoned.Copy !req
683. Because he's gonna overtake her.Copy !req
684. We're still way ahead.Copy !req
685. If that thing is the main opposition
then the whole system looks absurd.Copy !req
686. Which it may well be.Copy !req
687. But it built these roads.Copy !req
688. Just come in, Roy.Copy !req
689. I'm sorry, OK?Copy !req
690. It was wrong to speak to you
like that and...Copy !req
691. After the campaign,
I would've called you.Copy !req
692. After the campaign!Copy !req
693. All you've done
is strengthen Monroe.Copy !req
694. You won't win either, but I was
at least attempting to represent...Copy !req
695. Well I don't know!
Not just "bollocks to everything".Copy !req
696. If you were preaching revolution,
well that'd be something,Copy !req
697. but you're not because that would
require courage and a mindset.Copy !req
698. And what have you got?Copy !req
699. Who are you?Copy !req
700. What are you for?Copy !req
701. Morning.Copy !req
702. So, final push.Copy !req
703. You remind everyone
that's got the appCopy !req
704. that if they recommend it to a friend
it unlocks a little fez for Waldo.Copy !req
705. We're here.Copy !req
706. Attention, shoppers.Copy !req
707. I'm here to ask you an important
favour. Gather round.Copy !req
708. Come over here and listen.Copy !req
709. Don't vote for me. I'm an insult.Copy !req
710. Seriously.Copy !req
711. Vote for Monroe or Harris
or, I dunno, UKIP,Copy !req
712. or even that Lib Dem guy.Copy !req
713. He's a prick!Copy !req
714. Seriously, only an arsehole
would actually vote for me.Copy !req
715. What is this? Irony?Copy !req
716. I'm worse than a wasted vote.Copy !req
717. He's from the Harris campaign.Copy !req
718. I mean it, you idiots!
Don't vote for me!Copy !req
719. Don't vote for me!
Don't vote for me!Copy !req
720. Don't vote for me!Copy !req
721. Don't vmmmf!Copy !req
722. Shut up.Copy !req
723. No. Don't boo him,
he's right! He's right!Copy !req
724. What are you doing?Copy !req
725. - Resigning.
- Jamie!Copy !req
726. Look! It's me, I'm Waldo.Copy !req
727. This guy, whoever this guy is,
he's a hero.Copy !req
728. You should throw stuff at Waldo,
he's bad bloody news.Copy !req
729. - He's funny!
- He's not.Copy !req
730. Don't listen to that man,
he's a lesbian. Ahh!Copy !req
731. So remember, the polls are open,
and if you've got my app, you canCopy !req
732. unlock new stuff like catchphrases
and a little hat 'n' that.Copy !req
733. Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me
so question the status quo!Copy !req
734. Kill it! Kill it!Copy !req
735. Kick them where it hurts.Copy !req
736. The first man to hit him
gets 500 quid!Copy !req
737. Yeah, that's right. Knock him down.
Knock him down.Copy !req
738. Smash it!Copy !req
739. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
740. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah...Copy !req
741. I, the undersigned,Copy !req
742. being the returning
officer for the StentonfordCopy !req
743. and Hersham constituency, hereby
give notice that the total numberCopy !req
744. of votes recorded for each candidate
at the election is as follows.Copy !req
745. Finch, Simon Arthur.
Liberal Democrats.Copy !req
746. 2,449.Copy !req
747. Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour.Copy !req
748. 11,237.Copy !req
749. Monroe, Liam George Tennyson.
Conservative.Copy !req
750. 19,161.Copy !req
751. Waldo, Independent.Copy !req
752. 16,784.Copy !req
753. Ladies... Ladies and gentlemen,
please! I declare that Liam MonroeCopy !req
754. is duly elected member of Parliament
for the constituency.Copy !req
755. Hey, hey! Everyone!Copy !req
756. 500 quid to anyone
who can lob a shoe!Copy !req
757. Up you get, come on.Copy !req
758. Come on!Copy !req
759. Come on. Out you go.Copy !req
760. Oi!Copy !req
761. Agh!Copy !req