1. Hello.
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2. Just tell me what's happened.
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3. And what is it?
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4. I'll be right down.
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5. What's happened?
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6. Susannah.
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7. Susannah?
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8. Princess Susannah.
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9. Is she all right?
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10. Don't know.
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11. 'Don't kill me.
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12. 'Please don't kill me.'
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13. 'Read the statement.
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14. 'Yes. All right.
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15. 'On this screen?
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16. 'That is correct.
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17. I'm Susannah
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18. 'Duchess of Beaumont.
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19. 'Popularly known as
Princess Susannah.
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20. 'I am in a place you... er...
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21. 'cannot find,
held by one you will not trace.
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22. 'Prime Minister Michael Callow...
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23. 'Prime Minister
Michael Callow my life...
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24. '..my life depends on you.
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25. 'If you do not do precisely
as instructed by, um...
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26. 'by 4pm this afternoon,
I will be...
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27. '..I will be executed.
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28. 'Please.'
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29. What are you doing? Keep it going.
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30. Prime Minister, at this point,
I think it's important to say
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31. that we are 100% certain
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32. that this is, indeed,
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33. Princess Susannah.
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34. Her car was intercepted
shortly after midnight,
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35. returning from the wedding
of a college friend.
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36. She'd insisted on going.
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37. But you had security on her?
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38. Two PPOs, still unconscious.
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39. Heavy sedative, close range,
each with a single puncture wound.
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40. No sign of struggle.
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41. Scrap Third World debt?
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42. Save the fucking libraries?
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43. We are convinced both the video and
the demand it contains are genuine.
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44. What demand?
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45. What Susannah says next...
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46. It concerns you directly, sir.
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47. Just play it.
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48. 'There is only one demand,
and it is a simple one.
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49. 'At 4pm this afternoon,
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50. 'Prime Minister Michael Callow must
appear on live British television
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51. 'on all networks,
terrestrial and satellite,
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52. 'and... No!
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53. 'On all British networks,
terrestrial and satellite,
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54. 'and have full unsimulated
sexual intercourse with a pig.
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55. 'I don't understand!'
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56. The video ends with a
series of technical
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57. specifications for
the broadcast.
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58. Why are you doing this?
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59. Is this joke, right?
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60. "Mike! Ho ho."
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61. It's real.
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62. She said pig.
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63. Sex with a pig.
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64. They want me to have sex with a pig?
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65. Live on television
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66. this afternoon.
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67. But what...? Who...?
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68. We're checking with embedded operatives,
compiling a list of suspects.
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69. Meanwhile, the demand has been made.
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70. There's not long
to formulate our response.
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71. Well, I'm not fucking a pig!
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72. Page one, that's not happening.
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73. Of course.
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74. Absolutely, sir.
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75. Well, have we established a dialogue
with this...?
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76. We can't. There's no
e-mail address, no code word.
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77. No channel for negotiation.
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78. So we focus on finding Susannah.
We get her back.
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79. However it's done, I don't care.
We stop this now.
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80. Everyone's working towards this.
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81. Yes. No. Not everyone. A dedicated
core team. This can't go wide.
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82. Keep it so far from the press
it's on the other side of Jupiter.
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83. This only exists in this room.
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84. It's already outside it.
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85. If there are hacks sniffing around,
shut them down, bright, red, D Notice.
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86. Super fucking Godzilla injunction
with ten-inch Whitehall fangs!
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87. This video came from YouTube.
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88. What?
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89. It was uploaded via an encrypted IP
an hour ago.
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90. Well, get it off there!
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91. We did after nine minutes, long enough
for it to be duplicated and spread.
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92. Spread?
How many people have seen this?
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93. We take down one,
six clones pop up elsewhere.
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94. How many people?
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95. 50,000. That's our current estimate.
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96. The news rooms have got it.
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97. They're running this on air?
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98. No. We put a type five D notice out
and they're complying.
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99. For now.
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100. It's trending on Twitter.
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101. For... Fucking internet!
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102. What now? What's the play book?
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103. This is virgin territory,
Prime Minister.
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104. There's no play book.
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105. Princess Susannah's been kidnapped!
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106. You scared the shit out of me!
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107. There's a youtube of it!
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108. Go to work!
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109. And satellite,
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110. '.. And have full unsimulated
sexual intercourse with a pig.'
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111. No way. It's a piss take, man.
Look at it!
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112. 'I don't understand!'
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113. Why this is on the news?
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114. '.. Carlton Bloom's
controversial exhibition
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115. 'closes three weeks
ahead of schedule... '
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116. How do we describe it?
"An indecent act"?
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117. Everyone's seen the video.
They know the details.
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118. If we mention bestiality
Ofcom would be pissed off.
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119. Fuck Ofcom!
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120. We're observing the D Notice.
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121. Surely we're going to do something.
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122. We are honouring the D Notice.
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123. The voluntary D Notice!
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124. It may be a sportsman-like
gesture but we are making it.
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125. A woman's life is at stake!
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126. We follow the procedure.
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127. My timeline consists
of 100% viewers asking
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128. why we're not covering it.
How do I reply?
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129. You don't.
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130. That is totally backwards.
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131. No-one else has broken rank.
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132. Not the Beeb, not Sky, not...
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133. Facebook's coverage
is pretty comprehensive!
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134. Maybe
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135. It's like 9/11's happening and
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136. we're broadcasting sandwich recipes.
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137. We're not a chat room!
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138. It's on CNN and Fox.
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139. And MSNBC, Al Jazeera, NHK...
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140. All right.
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141. God! This planet!
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142. OK, Sarah, cover the snatch itself.
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143. Damon, public reaction. Meera,
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144. the royal angle, upcoming marriage,
etc.
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145. Simon, set tone with
Standards and Practices.
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146. We need to explain this without
viewers sicking up their Weetabix.
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147. Ken, the internet aspect, new paradigm,
Twitter, Arab spring, all that.
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148. Dan, all graphics run past me.
Keep it functional... no Peppa Pigs.
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149. Malaika,
update the princess obit VT.
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150. The Obit VT?
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151. Mm-hm. First, an awkward phone call.
Least I can do is warn Tom.
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152. We put a D Notice on it.
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153. 'It's gone global, Tom.'
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154. Don't. I'm begging you.
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155. Don't run it, Martin.
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156. 'Look, I'm sorry. I can't help you.'
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157. You know how much help
you're getting hereon in?
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158. Multiply nothing by shit-all!
UKN are dead for us!
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159. Shove it up your arse you fucking...
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160. Interesting.
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161. A man.
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162. Man?
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163. A man!
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164. Tom, so you're across it...
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165. I'm exploring contingency plans.
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166. 'I briefed Callett.'
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167. Mr Callett.
Noel, from Blue Eye.
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168. Noel won an Emmy by his effects
work on that HBO moon Western thing.
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169. Sea Of Tranquillity.
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170. You won't find better.
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171. Can you map a head onto a body live?
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172. Depends if your camera's moving.
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173. Rule sheet specifies a single hand-held
camera in a constant roving motion.
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174. Mm.
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175. Yeah, Gonzo style.
He knows his shit. That's tough.
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176. "Fruition to be transmitted
in full"?
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177. Focus on the visuals. Different face
mapped onto a live performer.
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178. According to those stipulations.
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179. Fringes of possibility...
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180. Deadline's at four. We need to know
if it's workable by two.
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181. Can't happen.
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182. It has to.
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183. Our embeds have ruled out the major
players. It's not AQ, not IRA.
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184. This is what's left...
radicals, hate groups.
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185. People who've threatened yourself
or the royals.
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186. They're being pulled in as we speak.
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187. For more than questioning, I hope.
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188. Somebody know something.
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189. 'If we all do it more, there'll be
less waste lying around... '
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190. Is it still not on the telly?
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191. Nothing. Must be a hoax.
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192. Or a black-out. Heads up!
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193. 'Some major breaking news
here on UKN.
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194. In the last two minutes
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195. 'It's been confirmed
that Susannah, Duchess of Beaumont
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196. 'has been kidnapped.
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197. 'A video uploaded
anonymously to the Internet
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198. 'appears to depict the princess
pleading for her life.
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199. 'The video also contains a bizarre
ransom demand of a personal nature
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200. 'involving the Prime Minister,
and a detailed list of instructions
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201. 'relating to the enactment
of this demand.
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202. 'As police round up
potential suspects... '
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203. '... across the nation.
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204. '.. This viewer video shows officers
raiding an address in Bradford.
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205. 'A man thought to be
connected with a religious
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206. pressure group, dragged
to a waiting van... '
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207. If it's terrorists,
they'll take her head off.
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208. For fuck's sake, man!
Just saying.
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209. They'll be asking for
a million quid or something.
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210. They want him to do it with a pig.
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211. Demands...
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212. Telegraph has the whole video and an
interactive timeline. Tonally stark.
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213. Brief mention of the ransom being
"a sex act". Nothing too gross.
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214. Sun runs with "Taken".
Big grab of Susannah...
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215. Of course I still want that drink.
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216. Then give me something.
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217. It's not...
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218. That won't be possible.
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219. I'm friendly when I drink.
Very friendly when I'm grateful.
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220. There's no comment at this time
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221. The Guardian are running
a fucking live blog
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222. and a short piece on
the historical symbolism of the pig.
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223. '.. Only five hours away,
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224. 'UKN's Damon Brown analyses
the public reaction to the crisis.'
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225. 'It's a day like no other.
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226. 'The kidnap video has been watched
by over 18 million people.
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227. 'Social networking sites are a... buzz
with 10,000 Tweets per minute.
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228. 'While we wait for
Downing Street to respond,
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229. 'the nation is voicing its opinion.
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230. 'I don't think anyone should concede
to any humiliation under threat.
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231. 'I couldn't bear to watch that.
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232. 'I won't be tuning in.
Just thinking about it is horrible.
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233. 'That's disgusting.
It is disgusting.
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234. 'It is disgusting but...
after that, he's gonna be hero.
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235. 'People will look at him like he's
insane and take his position away.
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236. 'It will be hilarious to see that on TV.
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237. 'Nothing too abnormal for MPs.
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238. 'They're all sexual deviants,
all MPs and Prime Ministers.'
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239. We've been squeezing hard,
but nothing concrete.
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240. It's my house! You can't...
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241. You are in my doorway
touching my door handle!
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242. Could I have a word?
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243. It won't come to that.
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244. And if they don't find her?
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245. MI5 have got a name.
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246. They're surrounding the place now.
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247. Where?
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248. What?
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249. Where's the place?
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250. Truro.
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251. - Why are you lying?
- What?
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252. You're lying!
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253. Truro? Jesus!
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254. I don't want you worrying.
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255. You've never patronised me.
Don't start now.
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256. Whoever this is, is insane.
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257. And has a princess.
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258. We'll get through this.
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259. Not any princess... the princess.
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260. Princess bloody Facebook bloody
eco-conscious national sweetheart.
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261. I won't have to do anything.
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262. Everyone's laughing at us.
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263. You don't know that.
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264. I know people.
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265. We love humiliation.
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266. I can not laugh
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267. Nothing is going to happen.
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268. It's already happening
in their heads.
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269. In their heads, that's what you're
doing, what my husband is doing.
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270. Please!
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271. Jane.
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272. I love you.
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273. What?
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274. Palace on the phone, sir.
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275. Get Alex to stall them.
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276. She's already been speaking to her
for ten minutes.
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277. "Her"?
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278. It's the Queen herself.
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279. Go on.
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280. 'As the 4pm deadline draws nearer,
the world holds its breath... '
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281. waiting to discover where the princess
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282. Would they use a female pig?
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283. It's on the list.
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284. List of rules,
specifies camera angles and things.
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285. Like dogme 95.
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286. It's not like Dogme 95.
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287. Exactly that.
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288. What's Dogme 95?
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289. Cinematic movement.
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290. Lars von Trier.
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291. Rules for a director...
no background music,
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292. only natural light,
for authenticity.
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293. Same as these, so they can't cheat,
cut another guy's arse pumping away.
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294. 'I can't think of anything
remotely like this.
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295. 'A new form of terrorism...
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296. It's not Islamist. To request
a pig is specifically abhorrent.
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297. 'That's the point!
Make love to a pig!'
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298. Make love?
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299. Steer them away
from the grisly details.
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300. 'Let's not dwell
on any of the details.
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301. 'This is already
a huge national talking point.
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302. 'Isn't this precisely what whoever
is behind this is looking for?'
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303. How's Her Majesty taking it?
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304. "I trust you'll do everything
in your power to get her back."
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305. And we are.
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306. It wasn't a collective "you".
It was a singular "you", ie me.
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307. Sir, we may have something. Jamie's
been tracing the video's origin.
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308. I thought it was untraceable.
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309. Technically, yes, so I thought,
"Work with what we do now"
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310. That video, before Youtube
compression it was 57.3 meg.
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311. Algorithm.
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312. Anyway, we also know
it was uploaded at 3:16 AM.
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313. I ran a nationwide traceback
on uninterrupted one-way uploads
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314. of precisely 57.3 meg
in the minutes leading up to 3:16,
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315. and the closest I can get
is a postcode.
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316. It came from somewhere in there.
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317. Looks like a campus.
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318. Yeah. Closed 2010.
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319. It's been empty since.
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320. Latest I-sat image on this area?
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321. 3 AM flyover shot from last night...
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322. Looks like it had lights on.
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323. We got him. We got him.
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324. Alert the local team.
Full squad. I'll man it.
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325. With helmet-cam relay.
We can watch the operation.
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326. Press office, OK, Tom?
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327. Yes!
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328. Right. Confident?
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329. It's a kick-bollock scramble,
but with finessing it should be OK.
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330. Finesse quickly.
Our performer's on his way.
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331. It's a new one for me, obviously.
I wouldn't normally... You know.
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332. You seen any of my films?
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333. No.
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334. I'm pretty trad... bish, bash, bosh.
In, out.
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335. Yeah, well...
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336. What do I put on the invoice?
That's what I'm wondering.
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337. There won't be any invoicing.
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338. - Oi-oi, Rod!
- Oi-oi!
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339. Need to prep two statements
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340. Good outcome. Bad outcome.
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341. Rescue operation?
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342. Goon squad's heading
for postcode in Buckinghamshire.
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343. HP84TD, a college or something.
They should be there by now.
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344. Yeah, I've reduced
the luminance...
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345. Agent Callett, this is Mr Flynn.
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346. AKA, Rod Senseless.
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347. Stage name.
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348. Yeah. Well...
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349. You need to get into this.
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350. Is there a dressing room I can use?
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351. No.
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352. Where's my co-star?
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353. Be rude not to give her a kiss
beforehand.
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354. Outside in the truck.
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355. Full of joie de vivre, isn't he?
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356. You also need to wear this...
on your head.
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357. Board's been prised away.
That's where they got in.
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358. OK.
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359. 'Target identified.'
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360. Commissioner. Thank you.
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361. So, team red...
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362. 'Any orders, boss?'
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363. Continue reconnaissance
and await instructions,
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364. before you proceed.
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365. 'With the 4pm deadline
three hours away,
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366. 'time is running out
for the Prime Minister... '
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367. They got in, yeah?
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368. Do you think I'd be here
if they had?
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369. We've got statements
for either outcome.
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370. Listen,
coverage is very sympathetic.
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371. Can't think about coverage now!
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372. But it's on-side?
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373. Strong undercurrent of sympathy.
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374. Every poll indicates
understanding, disgust with the
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375. captor, outrage at the whole
thing, but not at you.
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376. If Walker's team fuck up, I'm not
saying they will, but if they do,
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377. the public anticipates
non-compliance.
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378. There'll be squawks from the usuals,
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379. but it's not "England expects".
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380. If he kills her, there's no blood
on your hands. Bottom line.
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381. 'With hours to go, time is running
out for the security services.
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382. 'Joining us is actress Lydia... '
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383. Thought this was coming from IB7.
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384. We trimmed the edges
so it's coming direct.
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385. Twinkle tits from?
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386. Actress, Downton Abbey,
knows the princess.
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387. This came for you,
left at reception.
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388. Courier dropped it off.
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389. Know how to plug this in?
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390. Jack, call the police. Take it!
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391. Get someone to shoot that first.
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392. What the fuck is this?
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393. 'I gave you rules.
'I said no cheating.
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394. 'Some more breaking news,
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395. 'and a severed finger, thought
to belong to Princess Susannah,
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396. 'has been delivered to UKN,
along with a video
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397. 'apparently showing the kidnapper
removing it from the princess.
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398. 'UKN News has passed all material
to Scotland Yard... '
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399. Fucking hell!
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400. God! I can't watch this!
He's got to do what they want.
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401. Yes, he fucking has!
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402. '.. Which contained a statement
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403. 'accusing Downing Street of
attempting to break the rules
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404. 'This grim development comes just hours
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405. before the 4PM deadline... '
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406. Jesus!
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407. Unless I'm mistaken,
our mystery man specified
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408. no visual trickery
in his original demand, didn't he?
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409. I considered it necessary...
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410. Considered it necessary.
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411. To divise...
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412. FUCKING HELL!
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413. - Mike...!
- Don't!
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414. It's nor...
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415. One word, I swear I will fucking...!
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416. What did you do, Alex?
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417. I had a back-up plan.
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418. A man prepared to do it
and an FX company that
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419. would paint your head
onto his shoulders.
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420. You actually
thought that would work?
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421. I believed it worth considering.
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422. Then you're a stupid bitch.
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423. With your interest at heart.
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424. Who knew about this?
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425. A select few.
It seems some idiot at the studio
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426. recognised our designated performer,
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427. Tweeted a photo and the online
hivemind did the maths.
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428. It's not playing well.
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429. With who?
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430. With, er... anyone.
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431. 'A few hours ago, public opinion
was behind Prime Minister Callow,
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432. 'with only 28%
of the public believing
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433. 'he should fulfil the bizarre
and illegal request.
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434. 'In the wake of these images,
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435. 'and the delivery of the princess's
finger, the mood is shifting.
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436. 'It'll be humiliating, but nothing
compared to her suffering.
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437. 'With the appearance of finger...
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438. 'He's just got to do it.
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439. Yes, he has to do it.
Copy !req
440. 'What's the alternative?
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441. 'We can get another Prime Minister.
We can't live without a princess.
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442. Of course...
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443. 'If he doesn't get her released,
he's finished, isn't he?
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444. 'Online polls suggest
that 86% of voters
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445. 'now believe
the demand should be met.
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446. 'Damon Brown... '
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447. When are Walker's team
hitting the college?
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448. They need time...
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449. No more pissing around.
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450. Julian's advising against...
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451. I'm advising for.
They go in now. They go in now.
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452. Where's my obit VT?
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453. What would you say if I said I was
near where Susannah's being held?
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454. I'd say bullshit.
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455. Then you'd be wrong.
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456. Have you got a crew with you?
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457. I'm not stupid.
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458. Malaika?
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459. Hello?
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460. Are you getting this?
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461. Yeah. Don't put yourself
in any danger.
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462. Still getting this?
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463. Yeah. Just stay safe, Malaika.
Be careful!
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464. If this doesn't work...
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465. we need...
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466. Armed police! Lay down on the floor!
Lay down on the floor!
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467. Move!
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468. Fuck!
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469. It's a decoy.
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470. They must have bounced the upload
from here with a proxy. I'm sorry.
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471. Jesus!
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472. They're looking right at her!
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473. They can't see her.
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474. 'Malaika, make sure they can't... '
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475. Stay down! Don't move!
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476. Run, Malaika! Run!
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477. Get out of there. Come on!
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478. Armed police!
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479. Is it him?
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480. Where the fuck is Jack?
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481. Advance! Advance! Advance!
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482. Get down!
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483. Get down!
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484. UKN. It's Malaika something
or other. She's from UKN.
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485. You press? Yes.
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486. There goes your RTS Award.
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487. There must be something.
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488. There's nothing there, Mike.
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489. There'll be a clue.
Some evidence.
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490. We've done all we can.
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491. You rescued mannequin.
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492. I'm sorry, Michael...
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493. Fuck off, Julian!
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494. 20 past three. We're out of time.
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495. We're not out of time!
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496. We're not out of time.
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497. It's not going to happen.
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498. To the public...
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499. Fuck the public!
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500. To the public, this would be one man
of questionable popularity
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501. putting personal embarrassment
over the life of a girl.
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502. They will not release her anyway.
She's probably already dead.
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503. If she isn't,
he'll kill her and upload the video.
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504. Everyone will see it.
The world will see it.
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505. The mood will border on insurrection
and you will be destroyed,
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506. I guarantee you...
utterly destroyed.
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507. The polling bears that out.
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508. You won't just be
a disgraced politician,
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509. The public, the Palace and the Party
insist on compliance.
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510. Fuck the Party!
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511. Refuse, and I've been advised
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512. that we cannot guarantee
your physical safety.
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513. Or that of your family.
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514. But...
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515. I've made arrangements
for the broadcast.
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516. I can't...
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517. I'm sorry, Michael.
It's out of your hands.
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518. 'Let's take you live to the
scene in central London.
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519. 'As we see the Prime Minister's car
travelling across London... '
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520. He's got to do it.
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521. The world's bloody broken.
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522. '.. Appears to be heading west
to Bankside Studios.'
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523. We've ratified the law...
after midnight,
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524. it'll be a criminal of fence to store
any recording or images of the event.
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525. They're doing an announcement
to warn people off
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526. even watching, some sonic
tone that causes nausea.
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527. '.. When public opinion
has very much hardened,
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528. 'following the delivery
of the princess's severed finger.
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529. 'As the 4pm deadline approaches,
the nation is at a stand still
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530. 'watching the extraordinary
situation play out.
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531. 'Just to remind you, this is now
a story of global significance... '
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532. "Michael Callow has displayed
incredible bravery"
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533. "in what was a matter
of life or death."
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534. That's how it opens,
then we should move on...
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535. OK. Yeah.
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536. Everything prepared?
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537. Yes, ma'am.
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538. It's sedated?
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539. Injection. It's docile.
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540. It's time to go in now.
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541. '.. An unprecedented nature.'
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542. 'This is an official announcement.
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543. In a few minutes,
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544. 'the Prime Minister will perform
an indecent act on your screens.
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545. '..In the hope that it will ensure
the release of Princess Susannah.
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546. 'Recording or possessing a copy of
this broadcast will become illegal
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547. at midnight.
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548. 'All viewers are advised to turn off
their televisions immediately.
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549. 'The broadcast will commence after
the following tone.'
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550. We're complying with
the stipulated rules.
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551. You'll have to keep going...
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552. You'll have to see it through
to the end.
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553. We've placed visual aids in your
eyeline, which might help if you...
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554. get into trouble.
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555. The suggestion we're getting
from psychologists
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556. is that you should take
as long as you need.
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557. If you rush, it might be
misinterpreted as eagerness
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558. or even enjoyment.
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559. It's just
a skeleton crew inside.
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560. Closed set.
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561. There he is!
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562. 'I trust this will bring about the
safe return of Princess Susannah.'
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563. 'I...
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564. 'I love my wife.'
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565. 'May God forgive me.'
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566. No!
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567. Jesus! Poor bastard!
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568. But it's been on for nearly an hour.
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569. It's history, this.
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570. We've got her. Susannah.
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571. They released her?
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572. Stumbling about in the city.
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573. Sedated. She can't remember
anything, but she's unharmed.
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574. But her finger?
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575. Not hers. DNA shows it's male.
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576. What?
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577. There is one other thing. There's a
CCTV grab of her from half three.
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578. It seems he let her go
30 minutes before it happened.
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579. Why?
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580. My guess...
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581. he knew everyone would
be elsewhere
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582. watching screens.
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583. So it's a statement.
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584. Ma'am?
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585. That's what this was all about,
making a point.
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586. Should we, er...?
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587. Lose that page of the report.
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588. No-one sees it, especially the PM.
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589. Of course.
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590. Good news, Michael.
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591. You saved her.
Susannah's alive and well.
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592. 'On the one-year anniversary
of his humiliating ordeal,
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593. 'an apparently unconcerned Michael
Callow put in an assured performance
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594. 'at a public appearance,
accompanied by his wife Jane.
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595. Here I go.
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596. 'OK.
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597. 'The other central figure in events
was also before the camera
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598. 'at last night's
Children Of Valour Awards.
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599. 'Princess Susannah
made her first public appearance
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600. 'since announcing her pregnancy.
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601. 'It was one year ago that
the Turner Prize-winning artist,
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602. 'Carlton Bloom,
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603. 'coerced the Prime Minister
into committing an indecent act.
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604. 'As the anniversary arrived,
one art critic caused controversy
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605. 'by describing it as "the first
great artwork of the 21st century".
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606. 'While cultural commentators
debate its significance,
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607. 'with a global audience
of 1.3 billion,
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608. 'it was an event
in which we all participated.
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609. However, the incident failed
to destroy a Prime Minister,
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610. 'who holds an approval rating
three points higher than last year.
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611. 'Damon Brown, UKN.'
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612. Jane.
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613. Jane, please.
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