1. Coach Plummer:
Come on now!
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2. If you going to play like this,
Simi Valley is going to kill us!
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3. We're going to get
our asses kicked!
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4. Absolutely.
Come on, now!
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5. Hey, y'all eat some spaghetti.
Maybe this will help.
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6. I want you boys big as hell.
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7. Pancakes and syrup
in the morning,
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8. steak and spaghetti
all-day.
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9. And don't even worry
about it.
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10. Y'all got years
before that diabetes hit.
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11. Please don't hurt me!
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12. Boon-Boon, you're running
the wrong way, son!
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13. Dang, Boon-Boon, you about
as confused as your damn dad.
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14. Oh! Nigga!
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15. Damn, you sure looking good
there, Ms. Tudi.
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16. Nigga, stop pushing up on me
with your married ass.
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17. I don't do that.
Get on now.
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18. Go on!
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19. Jesus, these kids are terrible.
You know that?
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20. Aw, Ms. Tudi,
they ain't that bad.
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21. They just need
a little practice.
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22. - They need boot camp!
- Mm-hmm.
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23. Back in the days,
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24. them black Compton Devils
used to beat the hell
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25. out of them sons-of-cops
Simi Valley Skull Crushers.
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26. Oh, so, wait a minute.
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27. That little fat boy is
a little fat girl?
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28. Aww, no.
That's Brenda.
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29. She was struggling
with her weight a little bit.
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30. That's why her mama put her
on the team.
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31. Well, damn.
How fat was she before?
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32. Hey! Whoo!
My number hit!
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33. Hey, thank you, Jesus!
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34. Hey, I ain't got nothing
to do with that.
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35. Don't thank me.
Pops don't play games of chance.
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36. How much you win, baby?
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37. $2,000.
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38. Damn.
And if I was a betting man,
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39. I'd bet on those
Simi Valley Skull Crushers.
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40. You know Ms. Emma got them
10-to-1 favorite
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41. down at the pool hall.
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42. Uh, hey, baby. Why don't you let
Mama hold on to that?
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43. No way.
And please,
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44. don't nobody tell Shalinka
about the money.
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45. I mean,
I'm up on my payments,
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46. but, man, that woman
want everything.
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47. Those are
your kids, Boon.
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48. Hey, Jesus, here she comes, man.
Quick, take the money.
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49. I don't want nothing
to do with that deception, bruh!
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50. What was that envelope you had
in your hand, Boonie?
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51. What envelope?
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52. Stop lying.
I saw the damn envelope,
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53. and it smelled
like you had money in it.
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54. Let me see your hands.
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55. Mom!
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56. What?
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57. Uh, you know
she gonna take that money.
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58. Better go
and slide it to me.
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59. Oh, okay. Okay.
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60. I know something up
with your ass.
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61. I know it. But you can trust
I'm going to find out.
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62. I want to apologize
for my little attitude earlier,
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63. because
I was thinking.
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64. You don't care about your wife,
why should I?
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65. Mmm! Mmm, that's what
I'm talking about.
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66. Mmm, mmm.
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67. Been waiting on you
like a check.
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68. Mmm, damn.
These legs sure are spicy.
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69. Not as spicy as the legs
I'm looking at right now.
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70. No, no, no.
Don't touch just yet.
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71. Unh-unh, nigga.
You better get up!
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72. Annabelle!
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73. Annabelle, my ass,
nigga!
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74. Telling me you had
a damn coaches' meeting.
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75. The only game I see you working
on is your damn mack game.
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76. My bad!
My bad, queen!
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77. Wait a minute,
this is your husband?
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78. Nigga! You married? Oh!
You — You wrong.
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79. Damn right he is.
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80. And there ain't going to be
no more coaching.
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81. Let's go.
Let's go!
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82. Okay, baby! Let's go!
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83. Let's go! It's over!
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84. Oh!
Oh, my goodness.
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85. You got that bitch here
just in time!
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86. Part one
worked like a charm.
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87. Now on to part two.
Part two!
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88. Got to find a coach
that knows how to win.
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89. You know the game is tomorrow?
Who do you have in mind?
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90. Jesus, can I ask you
a question?
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91. Well, sure.
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92. Is winning bad?
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93. Of course not.
Pops loves victory —
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94. as long as it comes
through Him.
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95. Just ask
the big homie Moses.
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96. Okay, Moses.
Um, 'cause it's just that
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97. I'm so worried about
the damn Devils.
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98. They little self-esteem
is just so bruised up
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99. from all the losses.
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100. And...
Boon-Boon said
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101. he don't know if he should
go on living anymore!
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102. No!
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103. He say that?
Yeah.
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104. A-And it's just that I know
how you care about the kids,
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105. and they need a coach
that cares... like you.
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106. Hmm? Jesus, they need you.
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107. I don't know, Ms. Tudi.
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108. You know I call bingo
for the elderly
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109. down at the Loving Life home
on Fridays.
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110. Nigga, it's only
for one game...
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111. and — and until we find
a real replacement.
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112. You could smoke mine.
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113. Mm-hmm.
Ms. Tudi.
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114. Hm?
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115. You know God sent me here
to service people.
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116. You know
what I'm saying?
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117. You know
I love them kids.
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118. So, Friday night, huh?
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119. Friday it is.
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120. All right. All right.
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121. Time for part three.Mm-hmm, that's right.
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122. Ms. Emma! Hey, Tudi,
what's going on?
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123. What's going on,
honey?
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124. Lloyd.
Howdy-do.
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125. Hey listen, Ms. Emma,
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126. Lloyd and I would like to get in
on a Damn Devils game.
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127. Oh, no, no. I'm not taking
any more action on that game.
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128. Everybody and their mama
got the Skull Crushers winning,
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129. whipping their ass! No, no, no, no,
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130. not the Skull Crushers.
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131. We want to put money
on the Damn Devils.
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132. Damn Devils!
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133. Oh. Tudi?
Hm?
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134. I know Lloyd
ain't got no sense.
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135. But since when you smoking
your own stash?
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136. That don't make
no sense.
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137. $2,000 do?
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138. $2,050 —
I got my $50 in there.
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139. All right, you
big baller, huh?
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140. Oh, yeah.
My balls are huge.
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141. I might be sick.
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142. Okay, whatever.
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143. Man, this is the easiest money
I have ever made.
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144. Now, look here —
All we need now is
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145. a little bit
of insurance.
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146. Now you're talking.
Look here —
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147. I don't want nothing to happen
to my $50.
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148. What do you have
in mind?
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149. Wow.
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150. All right, boys.
Break it up.
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151. Lunch Lady Lloyd — I mean,
Lloydia — ready to work!
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152. I didn't hear about
anybody new starting today.
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153. Uh, you might be
at the wrong school.
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154. Let me call down
to the office
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155. and make sure you
at the right place.
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156. Hold on.
Just a minute.
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157. You know how they always
be messing up.
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158. Uh-huh. Yeah.
La Lodia?
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159. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
What?
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160. A newborn baby
in the freezer!
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161. Oh, my God!
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162. Not again!
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163. Hey, look.
What?
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164. Ow! Aah!
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165. Here you go,
cutie pie.
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166. Hey! Where's my Gatorade?
It's game day!
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167. Right away, Coach.
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168. Mm-hmm.
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169. Gatorade?
More like "Hater-ade".
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170. They're going to
be dizzy! Dizzy!
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171. Ahh!
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172. Oh, here you go.
Here we go.
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173. Here we go.
Lookie here, y'all.
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174. Ain't that a pretty color?
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175. Aah, drink up now.
Drink up.
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176. Future-cop assholes.
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177. There you go.
Come on over here.
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178. Get you some of that.
Yeah. Come on.
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179. Drink up, you little,
future cop.
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180. Bless this day
that Pops has made!
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181. Hey, your Pops
made this day,
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182. but he also made those mean,
little cop-puppies
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183. that's about
to kill our kid.
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184. I hope you brought
a bus-load of miracles with you,
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185. because we're going to
need them, nigga.
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186. Welcome to Daryl Gates Field,
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187. home of the Simi Valley
Skull Crushers.
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188. We welcome
the Compton Damn Devils.
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189. Let me remind
all you fans out there —
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190. Lock your car
before the game starts,
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191. and the state has
no liability
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192. for anything stolen
in the meantime.
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193. Hey, hey, hey!
Break it up, now!
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194. Lloyd! Lloyd! The hell did you
give them, huh? Steroids?
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195. Listen to a man
who been drunk for 40 years.
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196. I don't give a damn
if it's booze or sugar.
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197. It's got to crash.
Always have, always will.
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198. They better crash fast,
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199. because the game starts
in 20 minutes.
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200. Mm-hmm.
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201. All right, coach.
Keep it clean out there.
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202. We packing, too.
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203. Well, I hope you have
a permit for that, son.
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204. Yeah, I got
a permit for it.
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205. Got a permit
for this one, too, bitch.
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206. Coach Whiteman. Hey, Coach Whiteman.
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207. How you doing?
I'm Coach Jesus.
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208. You have such
a lovely stadium —
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209. Hey, hey.
What'd you say?
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210. I said I'm Jesus. But you're black.
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211. See, that's only 'cause
some churches altered my image
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212. to better connect
with my message.
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213. Why, how silly
is that?
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214. 'Cause I'm like, everybody's
brother. You feel me?
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215. Up high. Listen here, lunatic.
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216. That hip-hoppity jive talk
may work down in Compton,
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217. but you're
in the Simi Valley now.
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218. And we do it
American-style.
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219. We worship Jesus —
the real Jesus —
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220. blue-eyed and white!
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221. Maybe slightly sun-kissed
in the summer,
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222. but not a shade darker!
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223. All right, visiting coach,
call it in the air.
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224. Heads.
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225. It's heads.
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226. Hallelujah!
Hallelujah.
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227. You know what, Coach Whiteman?
Where are my manners?
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228. Here, you take the ball,
brother. You can go first.
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229. Oh, that was
your first mistake.
Okay, bro.
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230. No, your first mistake
was talking that
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231. "I am Jesus" bullshit. Whatever, bro.
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232. No, no. That was
your second mistake.
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233. Your third mistake
was giving us the ball.
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234. You know what
your first mistake was?
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235. I have no idea, bro.
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236. Showing up.
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237. Shalinka,
what's wrong?
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238. Boonie dumb-ass
brought Margarita mix
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239. instead of Capri Sun.
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240. They was on sale!
What?
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241. You just grab
this little Capri Sun straw
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242. and stick it in
like that.
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243. I'm telling you —
It's the same shit!
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244. No, it's not.
Not if you can read, Boon.
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245. Look, Shalinka. Don't even trip.
It's all good.
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246. It ain't all good,
Jesus!
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247. We ain't got no Capri Suns
for the damn game!
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248. The bag is empty!
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249. Let me see it.
Let me see it.
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250. Thank the Lord.
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251. - Thank you, Jesus.
- Thanks, Jesus.
- Thanks, Coach Christ.
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252. I haven't seen you
cramp up like this, son.
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253. Keep drinking
that Gatorade.
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254. Don't worry. I've prepared you
for this adversity.
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255. When you were baptized,
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256. I had the preacher
dip your balls in holy water.
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257. All right?
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258. Circle it up!
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259. Yeah. Yeah!
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260. Oh, I love
this intensity. Yeah!
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261. Yeah! All right, Clay,
put your mouth guard in.
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262. You're going to bite
through your damn lip.
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263. Come on. Aah!
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264. Aah!
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265. Now, before we get out here,
we're going to take a moment
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266. and thank Pops
for bringing us all together
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267. on this beautiful
Friday afternoon, right?
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268. Dear real Jesus,
help us destroy our enemies,
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269. weaken their bones,
embarrass their ancestors.
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270. I ain't gonna
do that, Coach!
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271. Let's keep this thing positive!
It's about the kids!
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272. I'll pray the way
I want to pray!
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273. How the hell
did he hear that?
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274. Look, guys. Pops got
something good for everybody.
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275. You know what I'm saying?
Everybody's a winner with Pops!
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276. Rain down righteous fury.
Make them bleed.
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277. Destroy the false prophet!
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278. This dude needs to chill.
What the f—
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279. Oh. My bad, kids.
I keep getting distracted.
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280. Can your boy get an "amen"? Amen.
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281. Amen! Amen!
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282. Yeah! Let's go!
Let's go!
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283. All right, pimps, let's go out
here and make some friends!
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284. Yeah! Yeah!
Be compassionate!
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285. Brenda, girl, what is you doing
sitting over there?
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286. Girl, you're supposed to be
on kick-off.
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287. Go on.
Get up out there, girl!
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288. Why am I so weird?
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289. I'm a girl.
I should be a cheerleader,
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290. but I love football.
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291. You know what?
I was talking to Pops earlier,
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292. and He told me to tell you
that He got a plan for you.
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293. Brenda, ain't nobody
like you,
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294. and you ain't like
nobody else.
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295. You's a one-of-one.
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296. All you got to do is
put your trust in Him,
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297. and go on, get yours, baby,
'cause you know He love you.
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298. Go ahead, girl!
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299. Coach Whiteman:
Son, get the ball!
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300. Hey. Hey, what the hell
you doing?
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301. Come on! Block!
82, let's go!
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302. What the —
Get up! Come on!
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303. I told you.
The crash is upon us.
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304. What crash?
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305. Oh, baby, look
what I go for you.
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306. Oh, this is kiwi strawberry.
Thanks, Mama.
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307. All right, baby.
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308. 3, 18! 3, 18!
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309. Hut! Hut!
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310. Yeah! Yeah, way to run
that block, Brenda! Do that!
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311. That's it, Boon-Boon!
Run it down, Boon!
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312. Touchdown! That's my little man
right there!
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313. Touchdown for the Damn Devils.
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314. What's the matter
with you?
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315. Come on!
Get over here! Hustle!
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316. Hustle, hustle, hustle!
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317. I want you to rip those
sons-of-convicts' faces off!
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318. Blood makes
the grass grow!
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319. Go! Go!
Go, Brenda!
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320. Yeah!
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321. Big girl looking like
Marshawn Lynch out there!
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322. You were right about that crash.
Them fucking is out.
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323. We got money coming now, baby.
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324. Where Jesus going?
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325. Lord, I hope
he's not about to do
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326. what I think
he's going to do.
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327. What he going to do?
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328. Damn it!
He's doing it!
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329. Why does he have to be
so fucking compassionate?
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330. Well, he better not be
compassionate with my money!
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331. Nigga, your money?
I count $20,000 I could lose!
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332. What about my $50?
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333. Oh, yeah! Let's go!
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334. Yeah, let's
go get them!
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335. Good luck
in the second half, Coach.
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336. It will be
a better one.
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337. Keep hustling.
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338. Damn, that was
kind of Jesus-esque.
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339. No. Nah, it can't be.
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340. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Come on! Get him! Get him!
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341. Touchdown! Yeah! Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about!
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342. Touchdown, Skull Crushers!
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343. Good score, kids!
Good score!
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344. Good score? Really, Jesus?
You let them back in the game!
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345. Why the fuck
would you do that?
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346. All right, field unit,
get out there! Come on!
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347. All right, let's go,
fellas.
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348. Oh, damn!
My $50 is good as gone.
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349. Wait. Wait.
Wait a second.
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350. If Jesus can use his miracles
to heal their team,
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351. then how come
we can't pray
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352. for him to do a favor
for our team?
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353. Absolutely right,
Ms. Tudi.
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354. I'm going to send all my prayers
to Jesus right now.
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355. Jesus!
Jesus!
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356. Hey! Hey! I need
all you mother fuckers
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357. to pray that the kick
don't go through them uprights.
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358. Hear? Pray!
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359. What?
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360. I ain't never see you pray
for nobody but yourself!
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361. Nigga, would you shut up
and let me pray?
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362. Jesus, please don't let that
ball go through them upright.
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363. Lord, please let that ball
go to the right.
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364. - Please.
- Go to the right.
- Go to the right.
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365. Black Jesus: Veer to the right.
Veer to the right with it.
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366. Holy Jesus,
straighten out that kick!
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367. No, no. Straight.
straighten it out there.
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368. Straight! Straight!
Straight!
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369. Ah, well.
So, Pops' will will be done.
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370. No!
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371. Hey, it worked, y'all!
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372. Let them pray
to their fake black Jesus.
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373. I'll pray
to the real Jesus.
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374. Jesus, it's me,
Coach Whiteman.
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375. We need a miracle.
A turnover now!
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376. A turnover? It's for the children.
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377. Jesus.
Whatever you're doing, don't.
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378. Don't. Please.
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379. I can't resist a prayer
for the children.
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380. Touchdown!
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381. Touchdown, Skull Crushers!
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382. We got to override that
asshole's prayers to Jesus here.
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383. Hey, I need all of y'all to pray
your fucking asses off! Pray!
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384. Mom, chill out.
It's just a game.
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385. What do you mean, just a game?
I got $50 in there!
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386. She got $2,000!
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387. 10-to-1 odds? Whoo, that's a lot
of money in your purse.
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388. Wait a second.
My $2,000?
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389. I gave you that money
so Shalinka couldn't spend it,
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390. and you waste it
on a bet?
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391. What you mean
you hiding money from me?
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392. Why you think we sugared up
them boys before the game?
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393. What do they call it Ms. Tudi?
Insurance?
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394. Yeah, yeah.
It was insurance.
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395. What money, Boonie?
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396. Guys, we're missing
the last play!
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397. Please, Jesus. Let us recover
this outside kick.
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398. Please let him
fumble the ball.
Please!
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399. Black Jesus: No, fumble it.
Fumble it. Fumble it.
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400. Yeah.
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401. Whoo! It worked!
It worked! Whoo!
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402. Lord, grant her the stupidity
to lateral that boy again.
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403. Lateral it again.
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404. Yes!
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405. Jesus, I'm going to need you
to help our kids.
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406. Black Jesus:
Ms. Tudi, they all my kids.
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407. Nigga,
I'm praying to you!
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408. Is that what this is?
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409. Is that what the fucking
you think this is?
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410. Some Oprah shit?
You get a miracle!
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411. You get a miracle!
You get a miracle! You —
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412. Man, fuck that.
I'm done.
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413. This shit is
out of my hands.
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414. They dropped the ball!
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415. Ms. The other way!
The other way!
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416. There other way! This way!
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417. There you go!
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418. White Jesus!
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419. Make Grandma some money!
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420. Yeah,
that's my boy right there!
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421. Fuck it.
I'll intercede myself!
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422. Aaah!
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423. Touchdown!
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424. Final score is 21-14.
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425. Jesus. I think
I got my skull crushed.
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426. I think
you're right, pimp.
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427. But Pops said
no more miracles today,
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428. so I suggest
your ass call 911.
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429. Modern medicine is about
as miraculous
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430. as your ass is gonna
get today.
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431. Thanks for coaching,
Jesus.
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432. I didn't know
I could do all that.
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433. Me either.
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434. Hey, all you kids
got potential.
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435. Pops blessed you all
with the spirit to shine.
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436. So shine... while we celebrate
with this pizza!
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437. Come on, pimps.
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438. Eat up! Eat up! It's plenty.
It's enough for everybody.
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439. What's up, playboys?
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440. Come over here
and get some of this pizza.
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441. Come break bread
with your boy.
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442. Come on. Get some of this pizza,
pimp. It's gluten-free!
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443. Now, remember
this moment, kids,
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444. because despite the fact that we
on different football teams,
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445. we all on God's team.
Dig that.
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446. And looking at y'all's faces,
I can tell
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447. that yours will be
the generation
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448. that end all this crap
between the blacks and whites,
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449. the Comptons
and the police.
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450. You'll bring it all together
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451. like some real players
like you know we is.
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452. Can I get an amen? Amen.
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453. Let's eat!
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454. Ms.
Oh, yes! Amen!
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455. Oh, full of joy!
Full of joy!
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456. Praise Pops.
What's happening, Ms. Tudi?
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457. For the first time,
Jesus,
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458. your heavenly ass
has made me some money!
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459. Me, too!
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460. Oh, y'all talking
about that bet.
Mm-hmm.
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461. Ms. Tudi, you know gambling
only leads to pain and hardship.
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462. So, I went by
Ms. Emma's
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463. and asked her to give me
the money back.
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464. Good, it's
my money, anyway.
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465. Hey, nigga!
I see you!
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466. "Lloydia", my ass!
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467. Aah! You old sucker!
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468. I'mma get you!
I'mma get you!
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469. You need to give me
some of that, Boonie.
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470. All of y'all can chill,
'cause I told you
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471. that money won't do nothing,
but bring you grief and sorrow.
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472. Them 20 stacks?
To quote Pops' newest angel,
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473. "Mo' money,
mo' problems".
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474. What did you do
with the $2,050?
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475. New uniforms
and new coach!
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476. Thanks, Jesus.
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477. Ain't all this love better
than some ill-gotten gains?
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478. No! Ill-gotten gains
are way better!
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479. Right! I agree with Boonie
this time!
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480. You know what? You lucky!
You lucky I ain't got a cross!
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481. Black Jesus: Hey, Ms. Tudi.
There's kids out here.
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482. Victory on three!
1, 2, 3!
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483. Victory!
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484. 1, 2, 3!
Victory!
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