Black Jesus 3x8

1. Aw, shit, it's Tookie Ross.

2. - The pimp? - Yeah, he only pimps

3. when he get tired of killin' motherfuckers

4. She didn't go to the cops, but I'm-a tell you, boy —

5. Hey, why is everybody so quiet?

6. Oh, man.

7. Jesus, that's Tookie Ross.

8. Now, I know you don't expect me to be impressed, right?

9. I watched Pops make the sun, the moon, and the stars.

10. What this dude make, some bad decisions?

11. Yo, my man, everybody else

12. might be scared of your ass, but I'm not.

13. Now, if I catch you working on my turf,

14. then your ass gonna have to pay.

15. Ransom is running shit.

16. - Who the fuck is Ransom? - Me, nigga.

17. You see, I speak in the third person.

18. Well, let me tell you some first-person shit,

19. to tell that third-person punk Ransom.

20. I work when I want to work, where I want to work.

21. You got that, bitch?

22. Tookie!

23. I'm gonna get my revenge.

24. Even if I got to jump my soul into this fat motherfucker

25. Hey, hey. This is a new shirt.

26. My God! I'm — I'm possessed by Tookie Ross!

27. No, you're not, dawg.

28. And I hope nobody expect me

29. to raise this evil mother fucker from the dead, either.

30. Are you the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,

31. king of all kings, lord of all lords?

32. And you know this, Bill. What's happening?

33. Hallelujah! Jesus,

34. you've been served.

35. Lloyd's suing me for making him sober?

36. Man, what kind of bullshit is this?

37. Welcome back to Homey's Court.

38. This is Lloyd, a former homeless alcoholic

39. who manages the New Compton Gardens apartment building.

40. He claims Jesus made him sober,

41. thus depriving him of any joy in life ever again.

42. He's suing for $600.

43. And this is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

44. He died for our sins,

45. but apparently, that's not good enough

46. to prevent him from being sued by Lloyd.

47. This is the case of "Less Jews, More Booze."

48. Raise your right hand.

49. Your right hand —

50. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

51. - and nothing but the truth? - You damn right I do.

52. Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth,

53. the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

54. - So help me Pops. - Man, speaking of that, man,

55. do you think you can sign my Bible?

56. Not now, Reggie.

57. Sorry, Judge. I'm sorry, Jesus.

58. Hey, Reg. Don't even trip.

59. Look inside the inside cover.

60. Case 123 on your calendar,

61. Lloyd the drunk versus Christ the Savior.

62. Before we get started here today,

63. Judge Homey: I'd like to say that, uh, well,

64. I've seen people waste time and money

65. in many different ways.

66. Reggie and I saw "Boo" 1 and 2 in the theater.

67. - We did. - But this is an even bigger

68. - waste of time and money. - Well, Your Honor —

69. How many cases have we had like this, Reggie?

70. - None. - Not a goddamn one.

71. And why? It's ridiculous

72. that you are trying to prove that this man made you sober.

73. If your ass was a alcoholic, you should be thanking him.

74. Your Honor, would you thank a man

75. who stole your means of orgasmic bliss?

76. Kill your ability to bust a nut?

77. Shut down the flow of your love hydrant?

78. I guess I'd be mad if my love hydrant was shut down.

79. - You, Reggie? - Mm-hmm.

80. Well, that's what Jesus did to me.

81. Took my ability to get drunk off my black, crusty ass.

82. And people always say, "Well, what would Jesus do?"

83. I know what he'd do. He'd fuck up a lot of shit.

84. All right, look.

85. Let's start at the beginning.

86. Okay, Your Honor. Now, I'm laying down,

87. minding my own business.

88. Jesus walked up to me, leaned down,

89. and he said, "Lloyd, you're sober."

90. I said, "W-W-W-Wait — Wait a minute.

91. Hold on. What you mean sober?"

92. Your Honor, Lloyd was laying there,

93. incapacitated, lethargic.

94. I looked in his eyes. He had the sad,

95. alcoholic, puppy-dog eyes that was crying for help.

96. "Please, I don't want to be like this no more.

97. Please make me sober."

98. - And that's what I did. - I can't believe this.

99. And when I got down there to help him out, you know what?

100. - He didn't fight. - That's not true.

101. He didn't resist. He wanted it.

102. I thought you come there to help me

103. with my heartbreak of psoriasis.No, you didn't.

104. - You wanted sobriety. - Yes, I did.

105. Order in Homey's Court!

106. All right. Now, Lloyd, you are suing him

107. for an amount of $600.

108. Now, how did you come up with that amount?

109. Well, Your Honor, since I been, um, sober, your life changes.

110. You know, I have to eat better.

111. I take a shower now, and I use that stuff people use.

112. You know what they do? They do like this.

113. - What they call it? - Soap?

114. Soap. So, now I'm clean,

115. women want to have sex with me.

116. Now we got another whole problem.

117. I got to get some condoms

118. and, uh, my record bill is high. Record bills?

119. Well, you know you got to get Luther Vandross

120. and Teddy Pendergrass, Johnny Mathis.

121. You can't make love without music.

122. Whoo-hoo!

123. I'm gonna get my revenge.

124. Tookie!

125. Even if I got to get my soul

126. into this fat mother fuckers body.

127. I'm possessed by Tookie Ross!

128. For the record, Your Honor,

129. I didn't make Lloyd sober. It wasn't me. It was Pops.

130. O-Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoever your Pops is,

131. He isn't on trial. You are.

132. Now, are you or are you not the one who made him sober?

133. Not directly. See, Pops i-is God,

134. who is my Father, a-and He works through me.

135. So, you know, I handle the business on earth.

136. Wait a minute.

137. You really think you're Jesus?

138. Homey, you crazy.

139. I know them ain't my bitches.

140. See, you girls need to stay focused, all right?

141. You don't need to be seeing nothin' except blue skies,

142. dirty asphalt, or fuzzy navels.

143. Missionary position, you seein' blue skies.

144. Doggie style, you seein' dirty asphalt.

145. - Fuzzy navel speaks for itself. - That kind of sucks.

146. Exactly.

147. W-What's up, brother? How can I help you?

148. Is your name Bargain Hunter?

149. That's right. That — That's me.

150. You don't need no Benz and a Rolls

151. - to get wit' one of my hoes. - I don't need nothin'.

152. I'm straight takin' 'em. Turn the bitches loose or else.

153. Or else what? You gonna whoop my ass?

154. He gonna whoop my ass.

155. No, I'm not gonna whoop your ass.

156. I'm gonna make you whoop your own ass.

157. I ain't gonna do that, brother. Hmm?

158. You got one second

159. to whoop your ass,

160. or I'm gonna whoop your ass for ya.

161. Let me tell you somethin', brother. At the end of —

162. - Ooh! - Oh.

163. What the hell?

164. What the...

165. Why you doin' that, brother? Huh?

166. Look, brother, you can have the money.

167. Just take — take it, dawg!

168. Girl, that's that fat nigga Tookie said he was gonna possess

169. - right before he died. - He must'a,

170. 'cause only Tookie can mindfuck somebody

171. into kickin' they own ass.

172. - Ooh, hey, baby. - Hey, what's up?

173. You know, that was just like Tookie.

174. Mm-hmm. Tookie-esque,

175. for real, Zaddy.

176. That's what's up. That ain't the only thing

177. like Tookie goin' on right now.

178. Ooh.

179. Duck walk, bitches.

180. Now, Lloyd, can you actually prove that you were a drunk?

181. Yes, Your Honor. And I'd like to call my first witness,

182. - Jesus Christ. - Okay.

183. Jesus, could you please describe who and what I was

184. prior to you making me sober?

185. Lloyd was a shit-faced drunk, Your Honor.

186. And could you tell the court how I used to smell?

187. He smelled like 20 pounds

188. of fresh-kicked gorilla ass, Your Honor.

189. Would you say that my shit-faced, gorilla-smelling ass

190. - was happy? - Your Honor, I ain't got no way

191. of knowing a mother fucker happiness level.

192. All right, Lloyd, if you want to be a drunk again,

193. why don't you go out and get drunk again?

194. Your Honor, I'm sober in perpetuity.

195. And I'd like to bring my second witness as proof.

196. This is a bottle of Darby.

197. I'm going to consume this.

198. I should be drunk in 22 minutes.

199. If you will indulge me, please?

200. Please.

201. Thank you.

202. As you can see, Your Honor, no effect.

203. As proof, I would like the lady in the front row

204. with the big titties to step out.

205. Big-titty lady?

206. - Bang!

207. - Your Honor... - What in the world?

208. you see that? Yeah.

209. If I was toe down, this wouldn't happen.

210. Jesus, you see that? Look at it.

211. God gave me this.

212. Now, Lloyd, you have proven

213. that you are a total drunk-ass bastard

214. with damn near zero chance of ever being saved.

215. But you have got to prove that Jesus is the son of God

216. and can perform miracles

217. if you want me to believe that he cured your ass.

218. Well, Pops — I mean God is my dad.

219. The record says here that Joseph the carpenter is your father.

220. Your Honor, just because Joseph married my mom

221. don't make him my real dad.

222. So, your mama just stuck that fool with the payments.

223. Reggie knows about that.

224. Damn. Sadly, I do.

225. - So what you got for me? - Remember that chubby dude

226. Tookie grabbed right before he died?

227. Yeah, I remember the fat mother fucker

228. His name is Boonie.

229. If that's Tookie's soul inside that fat mother fucker

230. probably wants revenge.

231. I don't know about all that possession shit,

232. but what I do know is I ain't taking no chances.

233. I'm gonna put an end to Tookie Ross.

234. Even if I have to kill Boonie's fat ass myself.

235. Oh, I've been drinking with Lloyd for years.

236. And I can testify that my friend Lloyd here can drink

237. but without any effect whatsoever

238. on his mental faculties.

239. Poor man. It's so painful.

240. Hurt like a bitch.

241. Just a bitch?

242. I know a lot of painful bitches.

243. True dat.

244. As long as I've known Lloyd, he's been a drunken fool.

245. Fool? Ain't nobody asked you about that.

246. Well, I volunteered it.

247. Now, you want me to be honest, let me be honest.

248. Well, how you gon' call a mother fucker a fool?

249. Because, mother fucker you are a fool.

250. Enough, you two.

251. Like I was sayin',

252. Lloyd got drunk all the time.

253. And Jesus probably cured him.

254. Now, I didn't see him do it,

255. but I have seen him do a lot of miracles.

256. Like, for instance, my son Boonie is still alive.

257. And that's a dumb-ass nigga,

258. so that's a miracle in and of itself.

259. What's your fuckin problem, boy?

260. You don't barge into my bedroom like that.

261. You knock first, Boones.

262. What you want?

263. You know what I want, Boo Boo.

264. I want some of that afternoon sex.

265. You got some of those afternoon checks?

266. You got your child support, Boone?

267. Nah, but look here, girl.

268. I got these ass supports.

269. I mean, right now?

270. You know I gotta go to court. I gotta testify for Jesus today.

271. Well, get the fuck on then.

272. Nigga, I ain't say no.

273. I say we gotta do a quickie,

274. Like you accustomed to.

275. Why are you dressed like a pimp?

276. 'Cause my hoes like it.

277. What hoes, Boone?

278. Come on in here.

279. Who are these broke-down bitches?

280. These my girls,

281. and I think it's about time we all had that fivesome.

282. Fivesome? Nigga, we can barely do a twosome.

283. - Hell no. - Hey, suit yourself.

284. Foursome it is, girls.

285. Oh, hell no.

286. I know how to stop this shit right now.

287. Give me this goddamn gun, girl.

288. Ooh, damn.

289. Boonie, you better be glad I don't have time

290. to take care of this shit because I gotta go to court.

291. But if I found out y'all been fuckin in my house, Boonie,

292. I'm gonna burn this bitch down, with y'all in it.

293. You gonna be a crispy pimp with some cooked-ass hoes.

294. Bring your ass here with that —

295. Oh, wait.

296. - Tired of his shit. - Hey!

297. - Getting on my damn nerves. - Hey!

298. - Got these hoes up in here. - I'm not done with you, woman!

299. Nobody blue-balls Tookie Ross!

300. Honestly, I don't know much about Lloyd being an alcoholic,

301. and I never seen Jesus perform a miracle,

302. but I know in my heart that he is the son of God.

303. Your Honor, I would still be an alcoholic

304. if Jesus had left my black ass alone.

305. What he should've been doin' is heal her lopsided titties.

306. Okay, first of all, my titties ain't on trial.

307. Secondly, God made 'em,

308. so they must be beautiful.

309. And third, Lloyd, stop, 'cause you wish you had

310. some of this lopsided deliciousness.

311. Well, yes, I do. Yes, I do.

312. What you got for me?

313. His baby mama headed down to a TV station.

314. Look like him and the hoes gonna be goin' down there, too.

315. The hoes?

316. Mm.

317. Okay. Then that's where we goin'.

318. I'm gonna bust that buster so everybody can see.

319. I would say Jesus is beyond nice.

320. I mean, if he had something, you have something.

321. I wish my kids shared like that.

322. It's just too bad they take after Boonie.

323. - Boonie? - That's they trifling-ass daddy.

324. He hang out with Jesus, but Jesus won't set him straight.

325. Link, I can't make that man act right

326. like he a robot or something. It got to come from his heart.

327. Why can't you? You're Jesus, aren't you?

328. But right now, all you're doing is looking like Jesus.

329. You're not even acting like Jesus.

330. Because you are not Jesus.

331. You're...

332. Jeez-ish.

333. I need some proof, man.

334. Kick me a miracle or something.

335. It don't work like that, Your Honor.

336. I can't do a miracle unless Pops says so.

337. It has to be His will.

338. Besides, according to you,

339. the only way I can lose this case

340. is if I can prove I'm Jesus Christ

341. and actually do a miracle, right?

342. That's true, but if you don't perform a miracle,

343. I might have to have your ass locked up

344. for psychiatric evaluation.

345. That's right, Jesus. Either you perform a miracle

346. to prove that you are the Son of God,

347. and I can make my $600,

348. or, uh, about eight dudes in them white jackets

349. will take you to the crazy house.

350. Where she at?

351. Aw, shit.

352. Hey, don't make me raise up out myself up in here.

353. What? Don't you see I'm busy?

354. Busy? Look, when a pimp wants a fivesome,

355. a pimp wants a damn fivesome.

356. - Boonie... - You can't just stroll away

357. from no sex like that.

358. Judge Homey: Order! And who the hell are you?

359. Who the hell am I?

360. This here Tookie.

361. Tookie Ross, and I'm here to stake my claim.

362. Oh, so Jesus done made you sober, too?

363. What? No. Hey,

364. I'm here to claim this woman right here.

365. I'm about to make you Queen Bee over all these bitches.

366. Boonie, I know your crazy ass

367. ain't sayin' what I think you sayin'.

368. What you think I'm tryin' to say?

369. You want me out there doin' somethin' strange

370. for some damn change?

371. Bet. That's what I'm sayin'.

372. That's my boy right there,

373. - coming up on some game. Yeah. - Game hell.

374. That nigga done lost his damn mind, Ms. Tudi.

375. - Order in Homey's Court! - Hey, fool.

376. Don't you know I'm above the law?

377. Goddamn it, and after I handle my bidness with these bitches,

378. - I might rent one out to you. - All I know is

379. I ain't doin' that freaky shit. Talk to him, Jesus.

380. Boone, you trippin'. We in a court of law, man.

381. Hey, man, I told you, Tookie possessed my soul.

382. No, he didn't. You not possessed, man.

383. He didn't? Well, why I'm doing this?

384. You goddamn right, God damn it.

385. When a pimp say he want somethin' done,

386. all you fools better recognize.

387. Reggie, get his ass up out of here!

388. Okay, Milk Dud. Time to go.

389. I go where I want, when I want.

390. I think you're gonna go now.

391. - Where are we? - You in Homey's Court.

392. Let's go.

393. And where is Homey's Court?

394. It's on television.

395. - And is television real or fake? - It's fake.

396. Which makes this gun right here...

397. - Fake-ass bullshit, man. - God damn it.

398. God damn it, I will rip your colon out

399. - and put it up your ass — - Boonie, what done got into you?

400. Ooh, you done changed.

401. - Come on, dawg. - Jesus, do something.

402. He done lost his damn mind!

403. Oh, no, no, no. He ain't lost nothin'.

404. He gained some swag.

405. See, I always knew

406. that you was gonna grow up and be somebody.

407. Now you and I, we can run the family business.

408. Bitch, this my business! You work for me!

409. Jesus, come get this crazy mother fucker

410. because he has lost his damn mind.

411. Boone, I'm telling you, brah, you are not possessed, dawg.

412. He is possessed!

413. Possessed by the soul of Tookie.

414. I wasn't afraid of him when he was alive,

415. and I sure the hell ain't scared of him

416. while he in this fat-ass teddy bear.

417. - That's right. That's right. - Hold on, whoa, whoa, whoa.

418. Look. Free cocaine.

419. - Where? - In your nads!

420. Uh-huh. Yeah.

421. A bullet might not have killed you,

422. but maybe this blade will.

423. - Ohh!

424. I knew you had it in you. Look at you. Gangster.

425. King Kong ain't got shit on me!

426. Damn. My baby sound just like Denzel.

427. Boo, maybe we can start with a foursome or somethin'.

428. Maybe later. Right now,

429. I got to take this nigga's life!

430. Boonie!

431. Whoa!

432. The fuck you doin', dawg? You trippin'.

433. You about to take this man's life.

434. I know.

435. I told you, Jesus.

436. Tookie Ross done took over your boy.

437. Fivesomes? Sixsomes?

438. Man, you know I'm just down for a onesome

439. when I can talk myself into it.

440. Tried to tell you I'm possessed.

441. Boonie, you not —

442. Fuck it. I'm gonna do this.

443. Evil spirit, demon —

444. - Trump? - No, man, this Tookie Ross.

445. Leave the homey alone!

446. Cast yourself from this man!

447. Begone!

448. Hey. Thanks, Jesus.

449. Yeah, thank you, Jesus,

450. for proving you can perform a miracle.

451. Your Honor, I rest my case.

452. Well, judging from the miracle I just witnessed here,

453. and the fact that Lloyd was a drunken bastard

454. and is now sober,

455. I have no choice but to rule in favor of the plaintiff.

456. - Hey, hey, hey.

457. Shut the fuck up! I'm not done.

458. Mr. Jesus, I sentence you

459. to 300 hours of community service.

460. Um, what about my $600?

461. Sorry, Lloyd. Community service. That's it.

462. I've got $600 comin'.

463. Somebody owe me 600 fuckin dollars.

464. You know fuck Homey Court.

465. Fuck and fuck you, Judge.

466. And your fuckin guard over there,

467. y'all ain't Shit Fuck all y'all.

468. Fuck everything, Fuck the carpet,

469. Fuck the color of this place,

470. Fuck the lights, Fuck the air in —

471. The stinking air, fuck y'all.

472. Fuck that camera. Fuck y'all

473. I don't give a fuck about this shit

474. Got my ass out here, think I'm gonna get my $600.

475. I gotta buy some soap! My ass stink!

476. Coming up next, "Whose baby is it anyway?"