1. Cardinal Ciabatti,Copy !req
2. are we sure this footage
isn't doctored?Copy !req
3. Not as far as we know.Copy !req
4. The real issue here
is that there isCopy !req
5. a very small yet scattered
international followingCopy !req
6. of a man who is
interpreted to beCopy !req
7. the Second Coming
of Jesus Christ.Copy !req
8. They call him Black Jesus.Copy !req
9. And he has a very strong
social media presence.Copy !req
10. Any confirmed miracles?Copy !req
11. No, and that's why
you are here, gentlemen.Copy !req
12. You must find him.
Bring him hereCopy !req
13. so that he can be
thoroughly examined,Copy !req
14. and possibly exterminated.Copy !req
15. Exterminated?Copy !req
16. But what if
he's really —Copy !req
17. Jesus Christ?Copy !req
18. Returned as a Black man
in an American ghetto?Copy !req
19. Right.Copy !req
20. If we ignore this,
we do it at our own peril.Copy !req
21. So you must
bring him to RomeCopy !req
22. so that we can
deal with him properly.Copy !req
23. Where is he?Copy !req
24. In a section of Los Angeles.Copy !req
25. A place called Compton.Copy !req
26. Compton?Copy !req
27. Yes.Copy !req
28. I understand that Compton
is Hell-adjacent.Copy !req
29. Would you care for
the blood of Christ?Copy !req
30. Damn, Boon.Copy !req
31. Where your mom get all this
knock-off merchandise from?Copy !req
32. God only knows,
Jesus.Copy !req
33. I don't think he does.Copy !req
34. Matter of fact,
I know Pops don't have a clueCopy !req
35. as to where you get
counterfeit condoms from.Copy !req
36. Hey, man,
you gonna mess aroundCopy !req
37. and have some major
baby-mama drama with these.Copy !req
38. Heh.
Who you tellin'?Copy !req
39. Anyway, what's your virgin ass
know about counterfeit condoms?Copy !req
40. And all this shit ain't fake —
some of it is stolen.Copy !req
41. Which means
it's legit,Copy !req
42. just in an il-legit
sort of way.Copy !req
43. Like these phones.
You know, you...Copy !req
44. You know,
folks gonna getCopy !req
45. one phone call
before the activation lockCopy !req
46. turn those into some
pretty-ass paperweights.Copy !req
47. What — What's good
in the bag, Lloyd?Copy !req
48. Nothin'.Copy !req
49. And you know why.Copy !req
50. Oh, here we go.
Here we go.Copy !req
51. Damn right, here we go.Copy !req
52. Because
of some unwanted miracle,Copy !req
53. I can't enjoy
my favorite pastimeCopy !req
54. of getting drunk off
my motherfucking ass.Copy !req
55. Have a fucked day,
gentlemen.Copy !req
56. Oh, lookit, Jesus!Copy !req
57. Look, Jesus.Copy !req
58. Darby, Darby...Copy !req
59. I know this place! Yeah?Copy !req
60. It's famous.Copy !req
61. Famous? For what?
Being a shit hole?Copy !req
62. No.Copy !req
63. I-It's in this video game
my nephew plays.Copy !req
64. Ah.
"Grand Theft Auto."Copy !req
65. This is just like
the part of the gameCopy !req
66. where the ghetto is,
and where the poor Blacks live.Copy !req
67. Ahh.Copy !req
68. It's where all
the bad shit happens.Copy !req
69. Huh.
Bad shit like what?Copy !req
70. Bad shit like this,
mother...Copy !req
71. Get your bitch ass out the car.Copy !req
72. Don't —
Ow!Copy !req
73. AhCopy !req
74. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
75. Oh, no, don't -Copy !req
76. You got my car,
but you won't get Jesus!Copy !req
77. Santino: Oh, get the Jesus!Copy !req
78. Renzo, get Jesus! Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!Copy !req
79. Aaah!Copy !req
80. I got the Gesu Cristo! It's the Jesus!Copy !req
81. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
82. I got my Jesus, nigga!Copy !req
83. And welcome back to
the Regal Seasons, gentlemen.Copy !req
84. Have a great afternoon.Copy !req
85. None of my business.Copy !req
86. You got robbed three fucking
hours after you landed?Copy !req
87. Compton is crazy.Copy !req
88. Can't we just pray until he
comes to Beverly Hills?Copy !req
89. Just get the Black
Jesus!Copy !req
90. Damn, Miss Emma.
What the hell?Copy !req
91. Hell is where
y'all should goCopy !req
92. for selling these fake-ass
feminine-hygiene products.Copy !req
93. These tampons
that you sold meCopy !req
94. couldn't soak up the blood
from a paper cut,Copy !req
95. much less my period.Copy !req
96. My flow ain't no joke.Copy !req
97. I'ma need a refund.Copy !req
98. Damn, Miss Emma.
T-M-I!Copy !req
99. And, anyway,
ain't no refund.Copy !req
100. Well, then, I'ma trade for
one of these fake-ass Bibles.Copy !req
101. Nah, Miss Emma.Copy !req
102. See, these Bibles,
they 100% legit.Copy !req
103. From Genesis to Revelations,
all accounted for and accurate.Copy !req
104. Trust me.Mm-hmm.Copy !req
105. Is that why it says "Holly
Bible" instead of "Holy Bible"?Copy !req
106. Clancy, I don't like
the look of these white dudesCopy !req
107. clocking us
from down the block.Copy !req
108. You're right.Copy !req
109. Prepare to discharge
the artillery.Copy !req
110. Prepared.Copy !req
111. Fire! Fire!Copy !req
112. Aaah!Copy !req
113. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
114. Jesus ain't here to save you
Mafia thugs.Copy !req
115. And drop
your weapons.Copy !req
116. We don't have
any weapons.Copy !req
117. Only one way to prove it, huh?
Strip.Copy !req
118. Grazie.Copy !req
119. Hold on. Welcome back to
the Regal Seasons, gentlemen.Copy !req
120. Legs looking good.
I need a room key from you.Copy !req
121. Welcome back
to the Regal Seasons.Copy !req
122. What the hell
is wrong with you putzes?Copy !req
123. Have you no cajones?Copy !req
124. No testicolis?Copy !req
125. No balls?Copy !req
126. In fact, show me your balls.Copy !req
127. Show me what you morons think
are balls.Copy !req
128. Show them.Copy !req
129. I want to see them.Copy !req
130. All four of them.Copy !req
131. Right now!Copy !req
132. Oh, my Lord.Copy !req
133. You call those balls?Copy !req
134. These are balls!Copy !req
135. Uh...Copy !req
136. Huh.Copy !req
137. Quite substantial,
Your Grace.Copy !req
138. You got to man
the fuck up,Copy !req
139. and you need to go and find
the Black Jesus!Copy !req
140. Hey, buddy!Copy !req
141. We're looking for a Black guy.Copy !req
142. So was Jeffrey Dahmer.
You weirdos kiss my ass.Copy !req
143. Wait, no, no!
We're not assholes.Copy !req
144. We're —
We're not weirdos, either.Copy !req
145. We're looking for the —
the Black Jesus.Copy !req
146. The Black Jesus, yes.Copy !req
147. And we're willing to pay
to find him.Copy !req
148. Pay?
Sure.Copy !req
149. Jesus? Yeah.Copy !req
150. Jesus is an asshole.Copy !req
151. I see.Copy !req
152. Uh, does this asshole
perform miracles?Copy !req
153. Are you kidding?Copy !req
154. It's because of
one of his miraclesCopy !req
155. that I'm in this fucked
up condition today.Copy !req
156. He made you poor?Copy !req
157. And Black?Copy !req
158. Worse.Copy !req
159. The motherfucker
made me sober.Copy !req
160. Nice rings.
Heh, heh.Copy !req
161. You guys are from the Vatican!Copy !req
162. No, no.
No, no.Copy !req
163. Like the Pope's secret police.Copy !req
164. No, no.
No.Copy !req
165. Bullshit.Copy !req
166. Ever since that meddling-ass
Jesus made me sober,Copy !req
167. I can remember
a whole bunch of shitCopy !req
168. I couldn't remember before.Copy !req
169. I mean,
just like those rings.Copy !req
170. Listen, maybe we can
help each other.Copy !req
171. You want Black Jesus.Copy !req
172. I want to get rid of this
piece-of-shit-ass miracle.Copy !req
173. So?Copy !req
174. So, I'll show you
how to get to Black Jesus.Copy !req
175. You have the Pope
talk to GodCopy !req
176. to reverse this
unwanted curse of sobriety.Copy !req
177. Uh...
Deal.Copy !req
178. Deal?
Mm.Copy !req
179. I'ma take you straight
to that motherfucker.Copy !req
180. Yeah!Copy !req
181. And thanks, Judas.Copy !req
182. The name is Lloyd,
nigga.Copy !req
183. Uh, do you prefer Lloyd
or Mister Nigga?Copy !req
184. Do you prefer your ball sack
up by your neck?Copy !req
185. If you do,
the name is "Mr. Nigga."Copy !req
186. If not, Lloyd.Copy !req
187. Hi, Lloyd. Hi, Lloyd.Copy !req
188. Ms. Tudi, Ms. Tudi,
Ms. Tudi.Copy !req
189. Later, bitch.Copy !req
190. How many times I told Tudi
to keep them punk-ass niggasCopy !req
191. off my corner
slanging that silly-ass shit?Copy !req
192. How many times? Too many times.Copy !req
193. How many times? Too many times!Copy !req
194. That's right.
A whole lotta damn times.Copy !req
195. Now I got to handle it.Copy !req
196. Hold up.Copy !req
197. Wait a minute.Copy !req
198. Who these motherfuckers?Copy !req
199. That bitch Tudi.Copy !req
200. She done put some real
Mafioso muscle on her payroll.Copy !req
201. We got to re-think this.Copy !req
202. Come back on these fools
with some real firepower.Copy !req
203. Hey, it's right there —Copy !req
204. Get up. Up, up.Copy !req
205. Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
206. Let's go.Copy !req
207. Santino.
Come on.I'm tired of this shit.Copy !req
208. But we have reservations.Copy !req
209. We just want to
go to Disneyland.Copy !req
210. Sorry, amigos.Copy !req
211. But without proof
of citizenship,Copy !req
212. I'm afraid it's not
"a small world after all."Copy !req
213. He's adorable.Copy !req
214. Welcome back,
gentlemen.Copy !req
215. He with you?Copy !req
216. Great.
Slide him in.Copy !req
217. Hotel guests.Copy !req
218. What the hell you mean
they got Jesus?Copy !req
219. And hit me
over the head.Copy !req
220. But they got Jesus?Copy !req
221. I think I'm about to have
a concussion or some shit.Copy !req
222. Baby...Copy !req
223. them bastards got Jesus.Copy !req
224. Ow.Copy !req
225. I don't feel good!Copy !req
226. The whole room is spinning!Copy !req
227. I can't focus good.Copy !req
228. You still got
that Obamacare?Copy !req
229. Jesus is cheaper
than Obamacare, nigga.Copy !req
230. Plus, he was
my best salesman.Copy !req
231. Mama, you don't
understand.Copy !req
232. These was some
real Mafia dudes.Copy !req
233. Man, they got out the car
with them Italian accents,Copy !req
234. that olive-complected-
but-still-white-guy skin,Copy !req
235. them cheap-looking suits
that cost a fortune,Copy !req
236. the whole nine.Copy !req
237. In fact, that dude hit me
with a nine, I think.Copy !req
238. What you just said right there
ain't a disadvantage.Copy !req
239. All it mean is them niggas
ain't gonna be hard to find.Copy !req
240. What, two white boys driving
an Impala in our neighborhood?Copy !req
241. Please.
Come on.Copy !req
242. Grab my bag.Copy !req
243. Come on!Copy !req
244. Finally,
you have successfullyCopy !req
245. apprehended
the so-called Black Jesus.Copy !req
246. So-called
because it's so true.Copy !req
247. If you don't
knock it offCopy !req
248. with all the disbelief,
Cardinal...Copy !req
249. Let me live.Copy !req
250. If you are
the real Jesus,Copy !req
251. then why don't you
put an end to all thisCopy !req
252. and just make yourself magically
disappear up outta here?Copy !req
253. For the same reason I didn't
just magically disappearCopy !req
254. when they had my Black ass
nailed to that cross.Copy !req
255. You know wouldn't nobody
would have receivedCopy !req
256. none of God's love or the spiritual enlightenment,Copy !req
257. man, so thank me later,
pimp.Copy !req
258. I mean,
Pops always had a plan.Copy !req
259. Just like now.Copy !req
260. Achoo!Copy !req
261. Ahh.Copy !req
262. Scusate.Copy !req
263. Bless you, pimp.Copy !req
264. Demon magic!
Get him!Copy !req
265. Aah!Copy !req
266. You're not getting away
from me, Jesus!Copy !req
267. Hey, you guys are friends.Copy !req
268. You can stop whuppin'
each other's asses now.Copy !req
269. Ohh...Copy !req
270. Mm, mm, mm!Copy !req
271. Them white
Vatican bastards lied!Copy !req
272. This shit don't work!Copy !req
273. A whole case of Darby
and the only thing got a buzzCopy !req
274. is my dick
from pissin' too much.Copy !req
275. Oh, man!Copy !req
276. Damn you,
miracles from Heaven!Copy !req
277. Damn you!Copy !req
278. I don't care
what old-world crime familyCopy !req
279. Ms. Tudi got
them white boys from.Copy !req
280. I bow down to no male.Copy !req
281. That's right. We don't take
nothing from no man.Copy !req
282. Hey, hey.
Ask them.Copy !req
283. Hey! You kids see some
mob-looking white dudes?Copy !req
284. Oojah!Copy !req
285. Ms. Hey.
Hey, kids!Copy !req
286. Y'all seen some mob-looking
white dudes pass by here?Copy !req
287. I can't believe it,
Ambro. It's right here.Copy !req
288. You see this?Copy !req
289. This shows a breach
of our security.Copy !req
290. Who would do something
like this?Copy !req
291. Some Commie-gook, neo-Nazi,
border-crossing, sand-nigga,Copy !req
292. white-honky, hood-rat,
gender-bending,Copy !req
293. Millennial hipster, metrosexual,
feminazi, libtard,Copy !req
294. rainbow-flag-wearing
bastard.Copy !req
295. Clancy,
who don't you hate?Copy !req
296. Michelle Obama.Copy !req
297. Lloyd!Copy !req
298. More Darby, I see.Copy !req
299. Hell no.Copy !req
300. I got breath mints
and some Alabama Tea.Copy !req
301. Only thing calm me down.Copy !req
302. Well, this gon'
get your blood up.Copy !req
303. You see this?Copy !req
304. Some damn punks done threw
they damn Darby bottlesCopy !req
305. all over the complex.Copy !req
306. Where's the respect?Copy !req
307. Uh, uh, uh...Copy !req
308. I agree with you.Copy !req
309. Who the hell would do
something like that?Copy !req
310. Some Commie-gook, neo-Nazi,
border-crossing, sa—Copy !req
311. Ah, ah, ah.Copy !req
312. Probably them mob dudes that we
stripped and sent away earlier.Copy !req
313. Yeah, I had
a run-in with them.Copy !req
314. Mean hombres.Copy !req
315. They told some lies,
made some promises,Copy !req
316. made me take them
to Jesus.Copy !req
317. What? What?Copy !req
318. Yo, they probably realized
dude got super powersCopy !req
319. from another planet and want to
use him as a weapon for evil.Copy !req
320. Ohh. And if that's the case,Copy !req
321. they need to be dealt with.Copy !req
322. They need to be
dealt with.Copy !req
323. You mean "dealt with" like
critically injured?Copy !req
324. Yeah.Copy !req
325. Well, if that's the case,
I agree with you.Copy !req
326. 'Scuse me!Copy !req
327. Have you seen any mob-looking
white dudes?Copy !req
328. Any mob-lookin' white dudes?Copy !req
329. Goddamn
American youth.Copy !req
330. Look at you,
facedown in the gutter.Copy !req
331. Making me jealous.
Here's a dollar.Copy !req
332. According to
everybody we ask,Copy !req
333. them white dudes
staying up in here.Copy !req
334. Excuse me, ladies —
and I use the term loosely —Copy !req
335. are you staying with us?Copy !req
336. No.
And neither are your nuts.Copy !req
337. Namaste on that,
motherfucker.Copy !req
338. When we get
to the desert airfield,Copy !req
339. there should be
a private planeCopy !req
340. to transport us
and the Demon Black JesusCopy !req
341. back to Rome.Copy !req
342. And you,
no funny business.Copy !req
343. Capisce?Copy !req
344. Man, I was waiting on you
to say that shit! "Capisce."Copy !req
345. Man, that's some
gangster-ass shit.Copy !req
346. Ms. What the fuck
happened to you?Copy !req
347. Look like somebody
kicked him in the nuts.Copy !req
348. That means them Yoga Bitches
is here. Come on!Copy !req
349. I need to see a key.Copy !req
350. Ambro! Yeah.Copy !req
351. Sorry.Copy !req
352. Handicap coming through.Room key.Copy !req
353. I need a room key. All right.Copy !req
354. Look at this
motherfucker.Copy !req
355. Trying to get a key so he can
steal from people's minibars.Copy !req
356. Aren't you drunk enough?Copy !req
357. Good God!Copy !req
358. Everybody can get
drunker than me.Copy !req
359. Oh, here.Copy !req
360. James Brown.Copy !req
361. Whoo!
There! Hey!Copy !req
362. I see them motherfuckers.Copy !req
363. I see them bitches.Copy !req
364. Aw, damn!Copy !req
365. Come on! Eee!Copy !req
366. I see them lyin' bastards
right over there.Copy !req
367. I see a lot of Black people
with guns!Copy !req
368. I see a way we can
work this all out.Copy !req
369. And I see
a bunch of people without keysCopy !req
370. that need to get
the fuck out of my hotel.Copy !req
371. Eat lead, scumbag!Copy !req
372. Die, sucker!Copy !req
373. Whoa, whoa!
Hey! Uh...Copy !req
374. Unh!
Oh, my God.Copy !req
375. Don't act tough! Unh!Copy !req
376. Game on!Copy !req
377. - That's right!
- Clancy, I'm comin'!Copy !req
378. Clancy!Copy !req
379. I thought
you couldn't walk!Copy !req
380. I do it for the checks.Copy !req
381. Hold up!Copy !req
382. Namaste, bitch!Copy !req
383. Aah! Don't kill them!Copy !req
384. No!Copy !req
385. They owe me a reverse miracle
from the Pope!Copy !req
386. Aah!Copy !req
387. - Man down!
- Mr. Nigga!Copy !req
388. Ms.
My bad, Lloyd!Copy !req
389. Aaaah!Copy !req
390. - Oh, shit!Copy !req
391. Hey! Come on!Copy !req
392. I've been hit!
I need — I need —Copy !req
393. Jesus! Nah, I need my wig, nigga!Copy !req
394. Them bitches shot it off!Copy !req
395. Get off of me!Copy !req
396. Hey, hey! Watch out! Watch out!Copy !req
397. Jesus, I —
I came back to save you.Copy !req
398. Ah, come on,
knock it off, Lloyd.Copy !req
399. We both know
why you came here.Copy !req
400. Ms. I need my wig!Copy !req
401. You didn't come to save me.
You want that Darby.Copy !req
402. I love you
anyway, Lloyd.Copy !req
403. Here, keep that —
a souvenir.Copy !req
404. I just peed myself a little bit!Copy !req
405. Damn, boy!Copy !req
406. - Shoot them bitches!
- Save us, Jesus!Copy !req
407. Aah!Copy !req
408. Oh, no.Copy !req
409. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
410. Ms. Ha, ha!
Take 'em down, Jesus!Copy !req
411. Santino!Copy !req
412. Gesu Cristo!Copy !req
413. No, no, no.Copy !req
414. Santino's deathly allergic
to Oncidium orchids!Copy !req
415. Help!Copy !req
416. Oh...
Poor guy. He's gone.Copy !req
417. He's gone.Copy !req
418. And he had so much
left to live for.Copy !req
419. A pet fish... a dog...Copy !req
420. a transgender mistress that he
thought nobody knew about,Copy !req
421. but I —
I knew. I knew.Copy !req
422. Hey, don't even trip,
pimp.Copy !req
423. Pops say it's cool.
I got this.Copy !req
424. Mwah!Copy !req
425. My God...Copy !req
426. Get you some air, player.Copy !req
427. Santi! It really is you!Copy !req
428. Yeah, you can tell
that Cardinal of yoursCopy !req
429. that he would'a
never known thatCopy !req
430. had I started doing all
that disappearing and shit.Copy !req
431. Y'all quit trippin'
and all them shenanigans.Copy !req
432. Did y'all have enough
for the day?Copy !req
433. Yep.
That was enough for today.Copy !req
434. - Whew!Copy !req
435. That's enough bullets
and gun slingin'.Copy !req
436. How 'bout
some fish sandwiches?Copy !req
437. Come on.Copy !req
438. Oh, snap!Copy !req
439. Rise.Copy !req
440. - Bye, Jesus.
- Bye, Jesus.Copy !req
441. - Black Jesus, I believe!
- Well, at least they're gone.Copy !req
442. You know that bitch
almost shot me in my head?Copy !req
443. Anyway, how long is it
gonna takeCopy !req
444. to get that stand
set back up?Copy !req
445. Ms. Tudi,
it still ain't safe out hereCopy !req
446. with them Yoga Ladies
on one with them guns.Copy !req
447. Oh, Jesus.
Baby, what you worried about?Copy !req
448. Listen,
I love you like a son.Copy !req
449. Maybe even better.Copy !req
450. But, Jesus,
it ain't like somebodyCopy !req
451. could kill
your divine ass.Copy !req
452. Look here, I can't just be
risin' from the deadCopy !req
453. every time you catch beef
with somebody.Copy !req
454. Easter only come
once a year.Copy !req
455. Hey, hey! Hey, hey!
Wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
456. Thanks, Jesus!Copy !req
457. Right on, young pimp.Copy !req