Black Jesus 3x1

1. Damn, Jesus.

2. Hey, Lloyd. If you see the one time, you ain't seen me.

3. Help me get rid of this hangover,

4. I'll do anything you want me to do.

5. Done.

6. Oh! Jesus! What you do to me?

7. Oh, man, I can read that sign over there.

8. Lookie there.

9. I'm sober.

10. Sobriety sucks, and I stink.

11. Jesus Christ.

12. Man #2: All right there, you big, old pimp?

13. What's happening, pimps?

14. So, anybody want to explain this?

15. As the court can see from the defendant's

16. medical and criminal record,

17. this man has a very clear history of mental illness.

18. He thinks he's Jesus Christ and has magical powers.

19. He is Jesus.

20. Your Honor, this motherfucker right here —

21. Watch your language. That's your first warning.

22. Darn it.

23. So, I see here that you have no birth records,

24. no Social Security, no ID whatsoever.

25. I'm Jesus H. Christ — Son of Man, king of kings,

26. lord of lords, and the most motherfucking high —

27. Second warning. I am the most

28. mother-effing high in this courtroom.

29. One more time, and I will hold you in contempt.

30. Now, Jesus, why were you running from the cops?

31. 'Cause I'm black. They cops, I'm black.

32. They show up, I run.

33. Well, it says here that you fled from a drug raid.

34. Oh, yeah, that's just what I do.

35. I was kicking it with the homies in the streets

36. that need that guidance,

37. and it's a better lifestyle out there for them.

38. All they got to do is just believe in Pops.

39. So, you were just out there, spreading the good word,

40. and then, the cops came and they started messin' with you?

41. That part, right there, Your Honor.

42. May I please stand to address the court?

43. Sure.

44. Your Honor, I know this is your courtroom,

45. but in all honesty, my righteousness and divine wisdom

46. supercedes that of Your Honor's in heaven and on earth,

47. so let me just say this real quick.

48. We got to do something about this massive incarceration

49. of people of color.

50. That's the moral issue of our motherf—

51. E-Excuse me. Of our generation.

52. And we got to figure something out and get real

53. and chill the f—

54. We got to chill out, Your Honor.

55. See, Judge, I don't know you — Well, actually, I do know you.

56. When you were six years old, you decided to be a judge

57. 'cause you wanted to put the Joker away, once and for all.

58. Now, I know you're not a bad person, Your Honor.

59. But you're not putting the Joker away.

60. You're putting away poor people.

61. Stop destroying families and children.

62. Stop the privatization and profiteering of human struggle.

63. You got the opportunity to do the right thing,

64. right now, Your Honor, and gain the favor

65. of your creator and mine, God, up in heaven.

66. When you were young, you wanted to help people.

67. It's not too late, Bubbles.

68. I'm dropping all charges against Mr. Christ.

69. Go help the homies.

70. That's good shit, Your Honor! That's what I'm talking about!

71. Profanity again! Third strike — six months.

72. Court's adjourned. And I quit.

73. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

74. Sorry to hit you up with the lock-up,

75. but... knee-jerk reaction.

76. It's all good, Your Honor. I got some work to do inside.

77. I got to minister to the homies. You feel me?

78. So, Tyrone, come on, let's do this, man.

79. I got work to do, pimp.

80. Hey, what's up, fellas? Your boy is back!

81. Y'all ready for some good word? Yeah!

82. Hey, what's up? Rodney! My guy!

83. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

84. Now stay strong, Lambert, and remember —

85. if dude throw crap in your face again,

86. he just chilling with the pain of incarceration.

87. At least you get to go home every night.

88. Boonie! What's happening, Phil?

89. Jee! That's what. Welcome home, baby.

90. Is this Nessa?

91. It is! Hi, Jesus!

92. Yeah, man. This is Shalinka's cousin from Texas.

93. She just got a new waitress job at Miss Emma's Fish N' Pool.

94. Yep.

95. Home of the best fish sandwich in the city!

96. You know!

97. Yeah. How you like it over there?

98. I love it. Thank you, Jesus. You answered my prayers.

99. Girl, I've been listening to your prayers for ever.

100. What?

101. I was gonna borrow her car and come pick you up, but —

102. Yeah, yeah. I was like, "What? You picking up Jesus,

103. my Lord and Savior?

104. Well, then, nigga, I'm driving."

105. Girl, come get some of this God-love.

106. Yeah. I was telling her you might could even her out, man.

107. Yeah, but — but what did I say, Boonie?

108. Okay, there's big-titty bitches, there's small-titty bitches,

109. then, there's me.

110. It ain't no need to even me out 'cause this how God made me.

111. You know, I'm big, I'm small, and niggas like it all.

112. You know, Pops would really appreciate you saying that.

113. Thank you, Jesus.

114. What's up, Boon? You good? You look stressed, dawg.

115. Hey, man, everything cool, man. Le-Let's get out of here.

116. You got some weed?

117. Oh, you know I got some fine shit!

118. Oh, yeah?

119. - Yeah. - Some real burning bush?

120. Here he come. All hail The Great Enabler.

121. How are you gonna come at your boy like that, Shalinka?

122. I just got out.

123. Jesus, you're not supposed to be in in the first place.

124. Do you read the Bible?

125. Nessa, shouldn't you be at work?

126. I just gave them a ride over.

127. You know I've been waiting to meet this nigga.

128. Nessa, take your lopsided titty ass to work,

129. and no more calling Jesus "nigga."

130. All right, all right. I'm gone. Bye, Jesus.

131. Bye, Nessa. Hey, could you bring your boy

132. a couple of them fish sandwiches?

133. Anything for my Lord and Savior.

134. Girl, you got major blessings on...

135. Thank you.

136. You not setting any kind of example.

137. Shalinka, you know I love you though, right?

138. If you loved me, Jesus, you'd bring me a man

139. with healthy cholesterol levels and some kind of bank account.

140. Why are you trying to embarrass me in front of Jesus?

141. You know I'm here every day trying to be a good father.

142. Jesus Christ, wait. We got a problem.

143. - What is it? - Jesus Christ.

144. Why are you always coming down so hard on my man?

145. He doing the best he can.

146. Look, he got him a security job.

147. Dig that. He's a working man.

148. He working for his mama!

149. Doing security!

150. Selling weed!

151. Okay, so look. Teresa said, "Just scare their ass", right?

152. - Mm-hmm. - So, what you're going to do is,

153. just whiz it past the fat one's head.

154. I ain't worried about shooting with Jesus right there.

155. He'd be mad, but I mean, say a couple of prayers,

156. and Jesus always ready to forgive a bitch.

157. That's, like, his thing.

158. And you know what? I'm tired of being scared

159. and looking over my shoulder

160. every time I leave the damn house

161. because of your mama's enemies.

162. And Jesus, how did you not know this?

163. Look, Shalinka, I just don't go around reading people's minds,

164. invading their privacy and things.

165. It don't happen like that. Only Pops is omniscient.

166. Just say "all-knowing".

167. If I wanted big words, I'd talk to the White Jesus.

168. Listen, here's the update —

169. Tudi is out-of-control.

170. Jesus Christ is supposed to already know this.

171. Oh, shit, you shot him!

172. My bad.

173. You bitches better run!

174. Mommy, Pops got shot again?

175. Yeah.

176. Is he gonna die?

177. Jesus can save him if he wants.

178. Come on in, so you can wash your hands and get ready for lunch.

179. Them bitches shot me!

180. You good, Boon?

181. Hey, much better. Thanks.

182. Black Jesus: Damn. So, the city condemns the old building

183. and makes the landlord relocate all the tenants here?

184. Hey, it's a whole new building.

185. I mean, brah, this is a different building for sure,

186. but this mother far from new, my guy.

187. You know, Fish bounced and took that job on the pipeline.

188. You know a brother like me had to get his own spot.

189. Say, word! I see you, boy, making boss moves,

190. you big old pimp, you! You're coming up.

191. Jesus, his ass ain't coming up.

192. This fool's mama paying for his rent.

193. Ms. Tudi?

194. Yeah, you know, as long as I sling her low-budget weed,

195. store some product —

196. Black Jesus: Ambro! Hold the up, brah!

197. Word Keepers...

198. stand down.

199. Hey, man. Y'all chill the out, too, man.

200. Who the are you? How do you know me?

201. How?

202. You, tour of duty in Afghanistan.

203. Me, the dude that hear you crying every night,

204. "Lord Jesus Christ, please get me out this fucking war zone!"

205. What? Nigga, that don't be me.

206. I love war. Semper Fi, bitch!

207. Look, I don't know who the fuck your fake Jesus ass is,

208. but you look like an intruder.

209. And it's been some break-ins, and you fit the description.

210. Yeah, right, man. Like it's a lot of 6'7" motherfuckers

211. rocking robes, sandals, and perms

212. out here stirring things up. - You'd be surprised.

213. Well, what's up with all this firepower, man?

214. What's happening?

215. Well, there's been so much crime around here

216. in the new Compton Gardens

217. that it's looking like the Carter from "New Jack City."

218. So, as new head of security of the complex,

219. I have formed the Word Keepers, and we're here

220. to protect the community in the name of freedom.

221. That's our word!

222. That's our word!

223. Hold up, wait a minute. Ambro's head of security here?

224. Man, Lloyd crazy ass made him head of security, man.

225. You know he managing that building now.

226. Pops really does move in strange and mysterious-ass ways, my guy.

227. "Strange and mysterious", my ass.

228. Managing shit is a pain.

229. But you got that, though! Look at you, Lloyd!

230. Oh, man, Vic's so proud of you.

231. - How do you know? - Pops told me.

232. He be chilling with Vic all the time, man. Vic doing good.

233. Vic ended up in heaven?

234. He didn't believe in your meddling ass.

235. But he had love for Pops, though,

236. and that's job one for a ticket to a splendiferous afterlife.

237. Vic is up there with the angels.

238. I'm here with a bunch of unwanted responsibilities.

239. I'm so happy your black ass is back

240. so you can take this curse of sobriety off of me,

241. and I can, once again, feel the alcoholic bliss

242. of my main man, Mister Darby.

243. Come on. I'm ready.

244. Come on, Jesus.

245. Look, man. Pops heals people. He don't make 'em sick.

246. Your alcoholism was a sickness, man. You good now.

247. But it was a sickness that I enjoyed!

248. But since you can't help me, I got to do this.

249. Damn, Lloyd, what the fuck you doing?

250. That look like a damn musket.

251. Ambro told me guns are exciting.

252. I got my Roscoe, and I want to see if this will give me

253. the same thrill as Darby.

254. I'll see y'all inside.

255. Y'all ain't about to get me shot up out here

256. with "G.I. Joke" and a damn Negro Paul Revere.

257. I'm going in.

258. Teresa, he out, and he's slingin'.

259. Hm. Hm!

260. With his fine, tall ass.

261. Stop calling Jesus "fine"!

262. Damn, bitch.

263. Point is, nigga can't just come out of jail

264. and start working for Ms. Tudi.

265. We got to shut this shit down right now.

266. Now, y'all bitches do that thing, hm?

267. Y'all sent that message? Oh, hell yeah.

268. Yeah, we sent the message. Yeah.

269. But, we had, uh...

270. kind of shot fat boy.

271. Oh, shit. You shot fat boy!

272. You were supposed to just send a warning shot!

273. Is he dead?

274. Naw, naw, naw.

275. It probably just grazed a layer of fat or something.

276. He'll be all right.

277. Y'all bitches can't even fuck up right. Jesus Christ.

278. Fine-ass nigga. Oof.

279. Make a bitch want to get her life together.

280. Give me this!I was done, anyway.

281. Oh! Boonie, what is this monkey fur

282. you got me smoking, man? Aah!

283. Never, ever in my eternal existence have I ever tasted

284. some bud so bad. Your moms grew that?

285. That's what y'all moving on the streets right now?

286. Yeah. It's all part of Mom's five-year plan.

287. See, her house is the grow op.

288. This here is the distribution center.

289. She's already using income from this to build inventory

290. to put into other income streams.

291. It's like she's a business genius.

292. Just 'cause your mama taught you the words "inventory"

293. and "income stream" don't make her no business genius.

294. Your mama a damn criminal, Boon.

295. That's my mama!

296. Well, then, she need to act like one!

297. She got you living up in here like "Menace II Society".

298. And, Jesus, why don't you lead by example?

299. All these followers — maybe if you get a job,

300. these niggas will follow your ass down there

301. and get one, too!

302. You 2,000 years old and still want to act like a damn child.

303. And this fool right here,

304. even if he wanted to stop, he can't.

305. 'Cause his evil-ass mama got this nigga under contract.

306. Wait, wha—

307. Boon, your mom's got you under contract?

308. Ms. Oh, yeah, Boon is right! I have expanded my operation.

309. Ms. Tudi, you got a whole 99-cent store up in this piece.

310. That's what I'm talking about. Lookie here.

311. I got the jewelry. Mm-hmm.

312. Little watches and stuff. And look at the back.

313. Watch out, boy. Look at them bags, and check out them shoes.

314. Those are counterfeit.

315. Yeah, but the average motherfucker don't know that.

316. Your Louboutins are bleeding.

317. Okay, so the paint ain't dried yet, but listen, the key is,

318. is we need to get this stuff out on the street

319. before them Yoga Bitches.

320. Ms. Tudi, I think this feud you got going on with Teresa

321. and the yoga ladies is really hurting the community right now.

322. You got to chill out. - I got shot this morning.

323. Aww, you did? Nigga, they was just trying to scare you.

324. And if ain't nobody hating on us,

325. then we doing something wrong. Am I right?

326. But what if somebody really got hurt?

327. Seriously, Ms. Tudi — like Boonie or myself.

328. You ain't gonna like that.

329. Jesus, why don't you help us, huh?

330. Help us!

331. And I ain't talking about with all the love

332. and the kindness and the gospel.

333. I'm saying, with some of that magical Jesus super power,

334. smite them bitches!

335. I don't think so, Ms. Tudi.

336. I ain't gonna be able to do it.

337. Look, I came to talk to you about releasing Boonie

338. from his contract.

339. From his contract? Ha! Nooo.

340. No, no, no, no, no.

341. I lose Boonie, my business goes down the drain.

342. I got this nigga here on lock for five years.

343. - Five years? - Yeah.

344. - Boonie... - Job security, nigga.

345. There is something I will consider —

346. cutting that contract down by a year, if you give me a year.

347. Me, a year? 365 days?

348. I'm Jesus Christ, Ms. Tudi.

349. I got so much world-changing shit to be doing.

350. Come on. I'm a busy dude.

351. Well, that's the deal. Be a savior to your friend,

352. or see this nigga in 2023.

353. Here, nigga. Come on and dust.

354. Want me to do them feet?

355. What's up, man? - Yo, man.

356. I'm looking for some of that good "Tudi-fruity".

357. Well, how much you got?

358. I got...

359. I know I got $3.

360. And, um... 34 cents.

361. - That's all you got? - Hey, man, why do you want to

362. make somebody feel bad about their financial circumstances?

363. All right, man. Damn. Sofa.

364. Yeah.

365. Hey, can I introduce you to the wonders of God's love

366. and life everlasting?

367. Jesus Christ, just give me the weed, man!

368. My love for you is infinite, but fuck you, though.

369. Shit.

370. What's going on here, fellas?

371. Oh. Is this Jesus?

372. Oh. It's them Yoga Bitches.

373. Hosanna out here slinging corner to corner.

374. - Oh, it's going down. - It's going down.

375. Come on, let's go.

376. Look, ladies. I'm glad y'all came.

377. I'm trying to figure out how we can squash this beef.

378. Christ! Jesus, stop talking about squashing beef.

379. Shit's annoying.

380. Look, there's a big enough low-budget weed

381. and counterfeit-goods market in southwest Compton

382. for everybody to eat.

383. Come on, let's get some money together, huh?

384. Besides, this our block.

385. Nigga, what? This southwest Compton!

386. You ain't got no block. They all mine.

387. - Says who? - My gun and my bitches!

388. We got guns, too.

389. Difference is, we ain't scared to use ours.

390. The game done change, bro.

391. See, y'all ain't built for this shit here.

392. I see three potty-mouthed young ladies

393. in desperate need of a rod across that ass —

394. and I ain't talking in a sexual way, either.

395. Too bad, fine nigga.

396. Didn't I tell...

397. Word Keepers, rendezvous at the gate. Code Gamma.

398. Code Gamma. Code Gamma. What's a Code Gamma?

399. Imminent threat to the compound.

400. Everybody gear up. Let's move.

401. All right. Grenades, grenades, grenades.

402. Grenades! Grenades!

403. Uh-oh. I feel a Darby high. Everything is spinning. Look.

404. Oh. Code Gamma. Code Gamma.

405. And I bet you, if I was to bitch-slap your punk ass,

406. you wouldn't do shit but turn the other cheek.

407. Watch this.

408. That's what I thought, nigga.

409. But what you forgot was I'm Jesus Christ,

410. the all-motherfucking mighty, and that shit didn't hurt.

411. Pops made it feel like a deep-tissue face message.

412. Now, if I was you, I'd drop to

413. my motherfucking knees, right now.

414. And I don't mean that in a sexual way, either.

415. Would you get your going ass up?

416. Back up, Yoga Bitches!

417. Aw, shit. Jesus got disciples with gats.

418. That's why I don't pray to you!

419. saving all y'all all the time, man.

420. Lloyd, where you going?

421. Is everybody all right?

422. Hell, no! I'm shot...

423. again! - Boonie!

424. Is everybody else all right?

425. Dear Heavenly Father, please save my guy life one more again.

426. He been having a rough day, Pops.

427. Please, heavenly father.

428. Phew. Hey, thanks, Jesus.

429. You like urgent care for a nigga, for real.

430. Hi. I got your sandwiches.

431. Oh, Nessa. Good looking. I forgot all about this.

432. You're welcome.

433. - Jesus! - I got some for y'all, too.

434. Oh, my bad, Boon. My bad.

435. No. No, Ambro's over there eating my damn fish sandwich!

436. Aw, don't even trip, playboy. I got this.

437. Oh, the old "make some more fish" trick.

438. That's some John 21:10-type shit.

439. Man, sometimes Pops takes shit way too literal.