Black Jesus 2x5

1. Hey, man, I'm telling you, man, we wasting our time, man.

2. Ain't no way moms gonna let us in there, man.

3. She only let them hipster on the list.

4. We got to try something, man.

5. Niggas is hungry. Yeah, well,

6. this is me, man. You know how Ms. Tudi feel about Jesus.

7. She gonna let us in.

8. Hey, Ms. Tudi, I love what you did with the place

9. and you look wonderful, by the way.

10. Shut up, Trayvon. Uh-uh, uh-uh.

11. Oh, out, out, out, out.

12. No, no, no, no, no.

13. Ma, I told 'em you wasn't gonna let us in. They...

14. That's right, 'cause this is a private event.

15. And y'all can't be in here.

16. Not even me?

17. Jesus, you are already with us in our hearts.

18. Look, I love y'all, I do.

19. But this is my cooking thing, hear.

20. Come on, Ms. Tudi.

21. You know you like a mama to all us.

22. Nigga, ooh, no. No, no, no.

23. Don't say that again, hear. I don't want to be his mama.

24. So you telling me you gonna feed all these strangers

25. you met off the Internet, but you can't feed us?

26. These ain't strangers.

27. These are customers.

28. What, you got the $60 a plate that I'm charging?

29. Come on, Ms. Tudi, you know we ain't got no money, man.

30. But we'll work for it.

31. We could be your waitstaff.

32. I don't need no help.

33. I got Mexicans,

34. and they some efficient,

35. let me tell you.

36. You know what?

37. Actually, I could use you, Fish.

38. I need some help hosting. Come on.

39. Only Fish.

40. Hey, why only Fish?

41. Because he's sexy.

42. Fat niggas make people want to stop eating.

43. Mama, why you always got to hurt my feelings

44. in front of my friends?

45. See, now, I have to keep the list real tight,

46. because technically,

47. what I'm doing is not legal.

48. You saying it's illegal to serve food in your own house?

49. No, I'm saying it's illegal to sellfood in your own house.

50. So, look, what I need you to do

51. Mm-hmm. is just go around, check on everybody.

52. Just make sure they happy, okay?

53. All right. Okay. But should I get dressed first?

54. No, no, I like going with that, uh, hood theme.

55. All right, cool. Okay.

56. Go on and get yourself something to eat.

57. All right. All right.

58. Thank you, Ms. Tudi.

59. Go on, baby.

60. Boonie, if there wasn't no food in there five minutes ago, man,

61. it just ain't gonna appear.

62. Really?

63. I thought that was the point

64. of his holiness right here.

65. Hey, man, why don't you make about five hot dogs

66. and five 40s appear so you can feed the crew tonight?

67. What's up, man?

68. Look, man, God ain't gonna solve

69. all our problems. If we ain't eating,

70. that means we ain't hustling hard enough.

71. Ooh, nigga.

72. Well, if it ain't this selfish.

73. Boonie, boy, your mom can cook her ass off, for real.

74. I hope you ate good, 'cause there ain't shit to eat now.

75. At least we got each other.

76. That's why we ain't got no food now.

77. 'Cause all we got is each other.

78. Man, this is exactly what food stamps is for.

79. All right, guys, listen, I just Googled

80. how to get food stamps, and it's really quite simple.

81. You guys all meet the criteria.

82. No money, no job and no income in the bank, so.

83. Boonie, why don't you go down there, man?

84. You got two kids; they'll probably give you extra.

85. Man, I'm already on food stamps, man.

86. Between my mom and Shalinka,

87. I don't have enough left to buy a bag of Doritos.

88. Well, somebody gonna have to go down there, man,

89. or else we gonna starve.

90. Okay, well, who gonna do it, though?

91. 'Cause you I'd do it, but I ain't got no I.D.

92. Six, seven. All right, guys, I got just the thing.

93. There's this new app, right? Uh, you draw straws.

94. Whoever draws the longest straw

95. has to go to the, get the stamps.

96. Go ahead.

97. Okay, and then I pick, and we'll press "draw."

98. And then...

99. Uh-huh.

100. Of course.

101. Beat it.

102. Next!

103. Come on!

104. What up, girl?

105. Nigga out there starving in these streets.

106. I'm trying to get up on this SNAP program.

107. Yeah, all right, uh, Mr., uh, uh...

108. Oh.

109. Oh, well, well.

110. Oh, well, what? Look, lady, I...

111. How can I help you, sir?

112. Have you fallen on hard times?

113. Yeah.

114. I have fallen on some really...

115. really hard times.

116. Mmm.

117. You know, I'm not working right now,

118. so, you know, I can't buy food to feed these muscles.

119. Oh. You know?

120. I know I must be down to at least zero percent body fat.

121. Uh-huh.

122. Okay, well, mmm, mmm, mmm.

123. You know, is this the best number to reach you?

124. I'd like to try to get you

125. eating something

126. as soon as possible.

127. Yeah, that's the best number right there.

128. And you can call me anytime, baby.

129. Well, I get off around dinnertime.

130. You will, too.

131. Mmm.

132. Damn.

133. I really can't believe how good it smells up in here.

134. Mm-hmm, right?

135. And look.

136. but you can start

137. with this pear and cheese plate

138. and a glass of this Cabernet.

139. Mm-hmm.

140. Mmm!

141. You know what, Laverne?

142. I got to be honest with you,

143. if you want sex in exchange for this meal,

144. I'm down. We can do that.

145. Excuse you?

146. I thought that's what you wanted?

147. My meat for your eats.

148. No, honey, uh, the meal is free.

149. I want sex in exchange for this.

150. No limit.

151. Limitless.

152. Hey, wake y'all punk ass up!

153. Hey, get up, J.

154. Get your ass up

155. and let's go get these groceries.

156. We got food stamps?

157. Hell yeah, nigga.

158. Get up.

159. You got food stamps?

160. you come from?

161. Halleluiah, halleluiah, we about to have a feast.

162. Thank God for EBT, man.

163. That EBT really help folks, man.

164. Man, Pops don't care who loving,

165. long as you loving yourself at the same time.

166. And you know, some of my favorite women

167. is prostitutes, dawg.

168. You know, sex work is some hard work, Fish.

169. And if you gonna keep on smashing baby girl

170. for the food, man, how's this gonna make you feel?

171. Beats feeling hungry, I know that much.

172. I'm eating things I never thought I'd eat before.

173. Hey, like fat bitch?

174. Hey.

175. Look, man,

176. that chick, Laverne, dude,

177. she crazy, man. She got some real issues, man.

178. Maybe going through midlife crisis.

179. Okay, so tell me again,

180. how is this not stealing?

181. 'Cause Perfect Food's

182. getting they money, the government getting

183. they money from taxpayers.

184. I mean, Laverne might get fired if they find out,

185. but other than that,

186. the government spend tax money

187. on worse things than this.

188. And I know gluttony one of the seven deadly sins.

189. And I know we can't keep sitting here getting fat, man,

190. when there's people out there that need the Word, man.

191. We got to take the street.

192. Snap!

193. What if we took the card

194. and went and fed the hungry?

195. Look, man, you remember the soup kitchen downtown,

196. the one they just shut down? Yeah.

197. Man, it's a gang space in that mug.

198. I think we could cook out the truck

199. and serve up in the spot.

200. Eh, come on, man, let's go check it out!

201. I mean, whatever it takes

202. to make the man upstairs look the other way.

203. Damn, Jesus,

204. why we can't just enjoy some shit once in a while?

205. Why everything gotta be a community service?

206. Hey, hey, Fish, didn't you tell me

207. you was gonna smoke some weed with me?

208. Got some?

209. Come on, man, let's get this truck unloaded.

210. MS. Trayvon!

211. Where the keys to the truck?

212. Uh, Boonie... Boonie has 'em.

213. MS. Boonie!

214. Hey, Mama, what you...

215. Stop all that.

216. Where the keys to the truck?

217. They in the ignition.

218. Thank you.

219. Who stole the damn truck?

220. It was...

221. Hey, my mama stole your truck, Jesus.

222. Why you let her?

223. You wanted to talk to us, Ms. Tudi?

224. I'm glad you got my message.

225. Because Ms. Tudi's feelings

226. was very, very hurt.

227. I mean, I thought we were a team.

228. Crew love.

229. Huh?

230. Crew love!

231. But I see Ms. Tudi just out in the cold.

232. Now, I know something going on.

233. I don't know what,

234. but something is going on.

235. I know, because this nigga

236. right here is fatter than he was last week.

237. We just helping out the less fortunate, Ms. Tudi.

238. Y'all niggas are the less fortunate.

239. Now, I saw all that food.

240. Where'd you get it?

241. Did you steal it?

242. Huh?

243. Ms. Tudi, we got a little hookup down at the SNAP office.

244. And I got this.

245. A EBT card?

246. Nah, an infinite EBT card.

247. Limitless.

248. Jesus...

249. is that a miracle?

250. Huh? That ain't no miracle, Ms. Tudi.

251. See, Fish, he taking advantage of, uh,

252. of a girl, the way she's built,

253. you know, when she stand up, her ankles disappear.

254. Laverne, down at the SNAP office.

255. So Fish putting it up in her,

256. you know what I'm saying?

257. As long as he keep feeding her guts,

258. she keep feeding us.

259. That's what's up. Fish, I'm...

260. surprised.

261. You know what?

262. Why don't y'all come on and have a seat?

263. Come on! Y'all want some wine?

264. Huh? Me, too?

265. You, too, baby. Come on in, sit down.

266. Wine? Yes, some wine. Red wine.

267. Boonie, go get the wine for 'em.

268. Ms. Tudi, why every time we try

269. to do something good for mankind,

270. you gotta turn it into a money hustle?

271. Come on, now, that food

272. is for the poor and unfortunate, man.

273. Why you got to act greedy

274. all the time?

275. Greedy?

276. Jesus, you the one that's being greedy.

277. Why does everything

278. have to be for the poor, huh?

279. I mean, what, you don't think

280. we want to do shit?

281. Now listen,

282. your soup kitchen is the perfect place

283. for Tasty Tudi's.

284. And with all this free food,

285. do you know how much money we could make?

286. Hey, trust me. That food ain't free.

287. Do you know what this dude gotta do for that card?

288. And I want to cut all y'all in.

289. $80 a plate.

290. Yeah, but Ms. Tudi, who gonna pay that much

291. to eat dinner in a neighborhood?

292. Baby,

293. like I told Fish, these white folks—

294. ha!-- they love this shit.

295. And see, I'm thinking

296. we'll keep the whole soup kitchen theme.

297. We could even dress up the waiters like bums.

298. And then we could do

299. some spontaneous ghetto theater, you know?

300. Like the Medieval Times?

301. You know what? It ain't my body.

302. That's on y'all.

303. But mark my words, man,

304. if Pops don't like y'all get down,

305. trust and believe he gonna shut that shit down

306. with quickness and it will not be fruitful.

307. Now, Ms. Tudi, with all due respect,

308. may I please have my keys

309. so I can shake this spot?

310. So mad about?

311. I don't even know why

312. I walk this earth sometimes, man.

313. Don't nobody listen.

314. Who the am I?

315. Son of the Most High.

316. You know. The Alpha, the Omega.

317. The Messiah.

318. Y'all don't give a.

319. Come on, homies, let's bust up

320. out of here, man.

321. I... I care.

322. Eh, eh, eh. Fish.

323. Look here.

324. How much sleep you getting, huh?

325. No, better yet,

326. how many nights are you spending at Laverne's?

327. Before you made this little arrangement,

328. did you negotiate

329. how many little appointments you were gonna have?

330. Did you set any rules at all?

331. See, there you go with that pimpin' shit again, Ms. Tudi.

332. Look, man, I don't really need you...

333. Oh!

334. What, she blowing up your personal phone?

335. See, that bitch thinks she owns you.

336. And that's because you failed

337. to lay out any boundaries

338. and any expectations.

339. That's what good representation can do for you.

340. Yeah, you right, Ms. Tudi.

341. Man, she expect a lot for that food she givin' us.

342. Listen, I can help you manage this situation.

343. But first, what we gonna do is keep her happy.

344. Keep the card working.

345. Okay?

346. We're gonna start with this.

347. Give me your hand.

348. Oh.

349. Nah, I need more.

350. Look what she's sending me.

351. I need a couple, though.

352. All right.

353. Okay, señor, here we go.

354. Gracias.

355. Thank you.

356. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

357. Ah-ah! Ah-ah! Put it down!

358. What the hell you think you doing, Lloyd?I think I'm gonna

359. get me some food. This used to be

360. my favorite soup kitchen. Well, it ain't your soup kitchen no more.

361. Look, Lloyd, you ain't homeless no more.

362. Once you're homeless, you're always homeless. Look at me!

363. Get out of here. Go. I ain't playing with you.

364. Heard the lady. Come on. Come on, man.I'm tired of TV dinners.

365. Y'all call yourself Christian. Look at me, I'm starving.

366. Hey, hey... I ain't had nothing since brunch.

367. Rabbi!

368. Ms. Tudi, give him something to eat.

369. Here, nigga, take that.

370. Slap some gravy on this thing.

371. This is ridiculous! Hey, come on.

372. Get your ass up out of here, man.

373. MS. Okay. All right, team!

374. Let's go, clean up. Let's clean up. Hey, you.

375. You, you. Let's go. Let's go, okay? Hey, y'all over there!

376. Go! Let's go!

377. Take that food from his ass. It's over.

378. What? Ms. Tudi, why you trippin'?

379. Nigga, talk to me like that

380. when I put some money in your pocket, hear.

381. It is time for everybody to go.

382. Get these niggas out of here.

383. You got to go.

384. They still hungry, Ms. Tudi.

385. Okay, take the tray with you.

386. Take the tray. Here. Just bye. Go.

387. Go.

388. All right, team. Time to get going.

389. Let's make some money!

390. Mm-mm.

391. MS. Get it up.

392. All right, you can turn 'em on now.

393. MS. Good job, Boonie.

394. Hey-hey-hey! Put one over there.

395. Hey, Ms. Tudi, we got time to smoke this blunt?

396. Oh, yeah, we got time today, cuz.

397. Today we have time.

398. Get out, get out of my way. I'm on the list.

399. I'm on the list.

400. Lloyd!

401. I am not playing with you.

402. Now, you about to get

403. on my last damn nerve, hear?

404. Ain't this a bitch? Now I'm a bum again!

405. Too poor to eat here in the nighttime

406. and not poor enough to eat in the daytime.

407. Mm-hmm. Give me something to eat, please?

408. Just a little morsel.

409. $80 a plate, nigga.

410. You got $80?

411. $80? For food?

412. You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

413. This is bullshit! And look...

414. look at him!

415. Him, too— don't he look like me?

416. Look at this one!

417. You stole my likeness.

418. Oh, nigga, please.

419. I'm gonna sue. I'm gonna sue you.

420. I'm gonna sue all of you. Okay, good.

421. Okay, okay. I'm gonna sue.

422. Good, sue and disappear.

423. Okay, all right, okay.Mm-hmm, okay, uh-huh.

424. Uh-huh, this ain't the last you gonna see of me.

425. Mm-hmm, good. Uh-uh, uh-uh.

426. Well, let me use the bathroom first.

427. Nigga, go shit in the middle of the street like you normally do!

428. Okay, okay. Now, go!

429. Mm-hmm, good, good. Uh-uh, uh-uh, no, no, no.

430. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

431. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-uh.

432. Don't let that nigga in here.

433. Y'all having a good time?

434. Wow, some of these guys look like real bums.

435. This place is amazing.

436. Don't tell me I ain't no bum.

437. I know what a bum is.

438. Bum, bum.

439. I'm gonna drop some bums on their ass.

440. What I'm... that's what I'm gonna do.

441. Watch this, watch this.

442. Okay.

443. All right, what I tell y'all?

444. Crew love, honey, crew love!

445. Mm-mm-mm, bring it on in. Come on, Jesus.

446. Hey, Boonie, we got a spill over there, babe.

447. Go pick that up, go pick that up.

448. Go get the broom in the broom closet, nigga,

449. and clean it up!

450. Aw, Ms. Tudi, you so hard on him.

451. I love you, Boonie!

452. Yo, y'all smell that, man?

453. Hey, I ain't crazy, man.

454. I know you uppity can smell that shit, but it.

455. That smell terrible,

456. like somebody took a shit or something.

457. Goddamn!

458. Oh, God, what's that smell?

459. Jesus, it's awful.

460. This place is amazing.

461. There she is right there, Ms. Tudi.

462. Hey, where-where's Fish?

463. Where's that hot piece of ass?

464. Oh, yeah!

465. There's my stud.

466. Oh. What's up, Laverne?

467. How you doing tonight?

468. I want you to meet somebody.

469. This is Ms. Tudi.

470. She's the founder of this fine establishment.

471. Ms. Tudi, that's-that's her.

472. How you doing, my sister?

473. I've heard a lot about you

474. and, uh, well, I sure hope you brought

475. your appetite with you.

476. Oh, so you done got a job now?

477. I guess that means

478. you're not gonna be needing

479. any more government assistance.

480. Listen, I wanted to talk to you about that.

481. Laverne,

482. I think I might be able to interest you

483. in a partnership with Tasty Tudi's.

484. Partnership?

485. How you gonna offer me a partnership

486. when all this is my shit?

487. I know where this food came from.

488. Laverne, please. Please, Laverne.

489. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

490. I ain't with you since my third divorce!

491. I ain't even want to talk to you!

492. Now, listen, let me tell you something.

493. I don't want a partner in no broke-down,

494. tore-up-ass, old restaurant.

495. I don't care what you do with the food

496. as long as it don't interfere with my dick time.

497. Now, come on, Fish.

498. Let's go.

499. Say, man, you better chill the out right now.

500. Oh, don't fool around and get your benefits cut, Fish.

501. Laverne, please now.

502. Stop, that's enough.

503. No, no, all that!

504. Hey, ladies?

505. Ladies, you want a good time?

506. 'Cause this nigga'll blow your back out for a cheeseburger.

507. Now, come on, baby, it's dick time!

508. Let's go!

509. Should've listened to you, Jesus.

510. Look, look, ladies, ladies,

511. let's-let's calm down, take a breather,

512. count to ten— let's chill out.

513. We can talk about this.

514. Why don't you fix me a plate to go, bitch,

515. before I feed all these niggas

516. and take them all home with me?

517. Damn, Laverne, you all right?

518. Nigga, do I look all right?

519. Did you just see that?

520. Bitch, what you hit me with?

521. I hit you with the hand of Tudi, bitch.

522. See, I was waiting for you at the door.

523. Let me tell you something.

524. This is my spot!

525. You don't come up in Tasty Tudi's

526. with this bullshit, you understand me?

527. This is a fine, dining establishment.

528. And as for that little arrangement you and Fish have?

529. Oh. That shit's over, hear?

530. Hear?

531. All right, damn.

532. All right, now, we gonna do this classy.

533. Come on, get up and bow, bitch.

534. Oh...

535. Oh!

536. Damn. And scene!

537. Ladies and gentlemen,

538. a little ghetto theater to enjoy with your meal.

539. Ladies and gentlemen,

540. let's give a round of applause to Fish!

541. Come on, Laverne, we got to get you out of here.

542. You know, you kind of had that coming, girl,

543. 'cause you know you be doing the most.

544. I know, Jesus.

545. Oh, God!

546. He's mopping the floor with shit!

547. Hey, I knew I smelled something.

548. Oh, gross.I'm going to throw up.

549. Hey, Mama, is there supposed to be shit on the mop?

550. Gross!

551. Is this part of the theme or what?

552. So disgusting.