Black Jesus 1x7

1. These tomatoes got me high.

2. Make that sauce.

3. We making a list of Cannabis Clubs,

4. and they can't keep it in stock. - Rent's due.

5. We gonna get it as soon as we can, man.

6. I promise, bruh.

7. Think we don't know you're growing weed in there?

8. Ain't nothing worse than a bunch of thugs

9. raising some unregulated vegetables in the hood.

10. This Barry Bonds-lookin' nigga ain't a community leader.

11. Hey, man, you can't talk to no city councilman like that.

12. - Retro J's? - I did.

13. Oh, my God.

14. I'm on fire! Aah!

15. Last night, me and your mama fell in love, man.

16. It's the best I ever felt in my life.

17. We in love!

18. Nigga, what you talking about?

19. Watch your language. I'm about to be your father.

20. - Vic, it ain't gonna work. - Why?

21. Because I'm a stoner, Vic, and I'm a dealer.

22. Matter of fact, I'm high now.

23. This is about the con man. He's not who you think he is.

24. I'm sorry. It's not gonna work.

25. Tell me what it's like to be Jesus, and be sincere.

26. Just be yourself for me, please.

27. Well, a lot of people don't know I'm Jesus,

28. and a lot of people don't believe it.

29. But guess what? I don't care.

30. Because when the trumpets start blowing,

31. they gonna be knowing. You feel me? - Yeah.

32. I came down here to Compton to spread love.

33. I got folks out here, and I gotta spread

34. this love and kindness... that's what I'm about.

35. So, you say Jesus is a pretty cool guy, huh?

36. That's my nigga.

37. He's my ace boon coon, my top dog,

38. my A-1 since day one.

39. Ooh, Jesus! Ha!

40. I love my Jesus.

41. It's kind of like rolling with Dr. Dre or...

42. or Snoop Dogg or somebody, you know what I'm saying.

43. He's my rock, my bridge over troubled waters.

44. Man, actually, it sucks rolling with Jesus.

45. Ripped By mstoll

46. Six months ago, this was an empty lot

47. in southwest Compton, California.

48. Now it is an unlikely success story,

49. a thriving community garden

50. where farmers grow and sell their produce.

51. You know, my mom always giving me a hard time

52. in the first place,

53. but now it's like I'm coming through the crib

54. with Jesus Christ, Mr. Perfect.

55. How am I supposed to compete with that?

56. When you first meet him, it's kind of like, "Whoa!

57. That's Jesus Christ," you know?

58. And, then, that excitement just stays with you for a while,

59. and then it kind of tapers off.

60. Um, but it doesn't go away.

61. It stays there.

62. "Boonie, why you so fat? Jesus ain't fat.

63. Jesus ain't got no illegitimate kids."

64. Jesus' dad had illegitimate kids.

65. That's where Jesus came from.

66. Originally, we was just gonna grow weed,

67. but God wanted us to grow vegetables, too.

68. So I was like, "Fuck it,

69. let's grow some vegetables.

70. Let's bless the community and do something nice."

71. But, then, he blessed us with the miracle

72. of the green tomatoes.

73. The thing about them is they get you high like weed,

74. but it ain't no weed in them.

75. It's just God's love and grace.

76. And everything was cool!

77. It was cool, man, until folks started acting like dicks.

78. Many have hailed the garden as transformative

79. for this low-income neighborhood.

80. Others, not so certain.

81. I don't know what they're doing over there,

82. but I know they up to no damn good.

83. When is the last time you seen a nigga grow anything?

84. 1865.

85. The Concerned Citizens of Southwest Compton

86. have petitioned the city to have the farmers removed.

87. The children are the real victims here.

88. We failed the children.

89. The lack of quality parking in any community

90. is a tragedy for these children.

91. Uh, this is our Compton city councilman.

92. Please continue, sir.

93. Right now the city council is looking into

94. who actually owns this property

95. so we can determine what the proper use should be!

96. Communities that lack safe, abundant parking

97. cannot grow economically.

98. It's about jobs!

99. Well, let's just say I'm looking

100. for someplace to open my business,

101. and I happened upon this neighborhood.

102. My first question... where am I gonna park?

103. Where are my employees gonna park?

104. Where are my customers gonna park?

105. You see what I mean?

106. I need someplace to park, so I'm sorry.

107. I'm taking my business to Watts...

108. children-friendly Watts.

109. All right, let's start from the top, all right?

110. What is the question?

111. Okay, do you believe in Jesus, yes or no?

112. I believe in Jesus.

113. I believe in Jesus Christ.

114. I seen him do a whole lot of miracles,

115. but he ain't ever done shit for me.

116. But imagine that,

117. Jesus H. Christ living down the block,

118. and all he wants to do is grow some damn lettuce.

119. Who the hell gives a damn about some lettuce?

120. I say get a bulldozer and tear that shit down!

121. Okay.

122. For real, Lloyd? It's like that?

123. You about an ungrateful motherfucker!

124. You really gonna talk greasy about the garden like that

125. and your boy? Come on, man.

126. You know what? You lucky my love for your ass is infinite,

127. 'cause if not, you'd be the first motherfucker

128. on the forsaken list, I promise. - Jesus, the swearing...

129. I can't have that swearing on my soundtrack.

130. - I'm... I'm sorry about... - Fuck that shit.

131. What is it like having Jesus as a partner in the garden?

132. Oh, um, well, see,

133. Jesus, he handles all the love and the kindness,

134. you know, all the God stuff.

135. And Ms. Tudi, she handles the money.

136. Oh, wow.

137. And has that led into any problems?

138. Mnh-mnh! Not really.

139. Wait, wait!

140. Hey, wait!

141. One at a time.

142. We are here to help you.

143. One at a time.

144. Okay, I don't know, I don't know.

145. What are they saying?

146. Okay, silencio. I can actually translate.

147. No, no, no. What he said was

148. the farmer with the vaseline in his pocket

149. is only picking the cucumbers.

150. No, that's not what he's saying.

151. Look, what's happening, what's happening?

152. ¿ Qué problema?

153. Hell yeah I took they plots away!

154. Tomatoes, tomatoes, tomatoes. That's all I care about.

155. I keep trying to tell Jesus

156. the writing is on the wall.

157. See, we don't own the land, first of all.

158. And, then, secondly, you got the fucking Concerned Citizens

159. or whatever the fuck

160. and, then, let's not forget the cholos

161. extorting money from me every month.

162. Listen, I got to get as much money as I can

163. before they shut the shit down.

164. Ms. Tudi giveth, and Ms. Tudi taketh away.

165. As if disgruntled farmers

166. and angry protesters wasn't enough,

167. a new problem has arisen in the garden...

168. sabotage.

169. Oh, look at this.

170. I can't believe this, man.

171. Bleach.

172. Do you know how much money we just lost?

173. Do y'all have any leads, anything?

174. I bet you it was them goddamn farmers.

175. You know all that "humble Latino worker" bullshit...

176. that's a front.

177. Them dudes are cold-blooded.

178. It wasn't the farmers.

179. It was Pops, man. He mad.

180. And it's only gonna get worse until we repent for our sins.

181. Yeah, well, it's time for me to protect my investment.

182. Oh, yeah. We bought that light, Ms. Tudi.

183. - Mm-hmm. - See? What are you doing?

184. What part of... of "forgive us our trespasses

185. as we forgive those who trespass against us"

186. don't you understand?

187. Have y'all forgot the words to "our Pops, who art in heaven"?

188. I ain't forgotten nothing. I'm just trying to say...

189. that when people hear that we're a soft target,

190. they're gonna be in here, trying to test us.

191. There you go with that wannabe kingpin shit, Ma.

192. And there you go with that fat, scared nigga shit, Boonie.

193. Fish, I'm putting you in charge of security for the garden here.

194. All right.

195. And then Boonie... he can be your sidekick...

196. your fat, scared, can't run sidekick.

197. How you know Vic didn't pay Lloyd to come in here

198. and... and sabotage the garden with his punk ass

199. 'cause he's still mad at you for dumping him?

200. I've already apologized about the Vic thing,

201. but he keep throwing it in my face.

202. You know, Jesus is supposed to forgive

203. and then move the fuck on.

204. Hey, where the hell is Vic anyway?

205. I ain't seen him out there with the protesters.

206. Look, man, I don't even know him.

207. What I do know is we gotta get back

208. to some love and kindness with the quickness

209. or else we're all fucked.

210. Perimeter check...

211. tonight around this garden.

212. Hear? - Yes, ma'am.

213. All right, start interrogating them farmers.

214. How do you feel about being called a cult leader?

215. I wish I was a motherfucking cult leader.

216. At least they got folks that listen to them,

217. unlike me with these old knucklehead homeys I got, man.

218. Man, we ain't gonna have this garden too long

219. if we don't get right with Pops.

220. Me... all I do is spread love and kindness and compassion.

221. That's my whole get-down. That's how I do.

222. Uh, hello?

223. Jesus, help me! I'm gonna die!

224. See what I be talking about?

225. Old selfish folks, it's always me, me, me, me.

226. Don't nobody care about what I'm going through.

227. I need some kindness, some compassion, some love,

228. some motherfucking patience, man.

229. I'm getting tired of this shit, man.

230. Pull the red cord, bruh. Pull the red one.

231. Count to three, pull the red cord.

232. It opened!

233. Didn't nobody tell you to go skydiving!

234. - Thank you, Jesus! Thank you!

235. I mean, if you're gonna take skydiving lessons,

236. you need to pay attention in class.

237. That's all I'm saying. - True.

238. Hey, what's happening, young pimps?

239. Jesus, just the person I needed to talk to.

240. You know, I tried praying, but you ain't hit me back.

241. Spyder's homeboy hooks him up

242. with this bomb-ass spaghetti sauce

243. right from the Cannabis Club.

244. Yo, this is the best thing I ever had in my life.

245. Rent's paid, vatos. What y'all doing here?

246. We came to find out what's in the sauce.

247. The deal was if you're growing weed, that's extra rent.

248. Hey, is Tevin Campbell recording us?

249. No.

250. Oh, bruh, feel free to search this place if you want to, man,

251. but there ain't no weed in here, man.

252. There's something in that sauce making people really high.

253. It ain't weed!

254. This fool eats the whole jar. I don't get nothing.

255. So we're out looking for more.

256. Turns out this is the hottest shit in town.

257. It's flying off every shelf,

258. every club in the whole city, eh?

259. Then what is it? What's in the sauce?

260. You better not say nothing.

261. All right, man, look, we tried to grow some weed, all right?

262. It didn't work though, man.

263. In some kind of way, God blessed us

264. with these miracle tomatoes that get people fucked up,

265. but it's like God's love and grace is doing it, though.

266. Let me get this straight.

267. You all bottled up God's love

268. in the form of green tomato sauce,

269. and you're selling that shit for $500 a pop?

270. I'm a businesswoman.

271. What you expect me to do?

272. And don't act like I'm the first person

273. to make money on God's love.

274. I see you, Creflo Dollar.

275. I'm disappointed in you, Jesus.

276. Don't try to act like

277. you're some motherfucking angel or something, man.

278. We respect the fact that this is your hood and all,

279. but extortion is extortion.

280. We're paying you rent on the motherfucking land

281. that you ain't even got no deed to, dawg.

282. And, plus, the tomatoes weren't part of the deal.

283. Man, we didn't know about the tomatoes!

284. Man, who would have thought the son of God

285. would be so shysty?

286. I'm disappointed in you.

287. You tell your boss lady

288. that she just got some new partners.

289. We'll be seeing her soon.

290. Man, why you have to tell him about the tomatoes?

291. Get tired of you letting people pushing us around, man.

292. What am I supposed to do, Fish?

293. Ms. Tudi's selling this shit for $500 a pop, man...

294. not exactly low-key, bruh.

295. For the record, $500 is retail.

296. I only get $300 a jar.

297. Why the homemade gun?

298. What happened to the gun Ms. Tudi gave you?

299. 'Cause your ass is recording me, and I'm on parole.

300. But this marble shooter will fuck somebody up.

301. I got 'em! Look out!

302. - Got 'em!

303. Is he all right?

304. Boon, you all right?

305. No! This nigga shot me with a marble.

306. My bad, man. Did you see who it was?

307. I had him, and he got away!

308. Did you see his face?

309. All I know is he smelled like spiced rum

310. and diabetes feet.

311. Hey, but look, I grabbed a piece of his shirt.

312. Lloyd.

313. My thing is, man,

314. it don't matter if you're Jesus or not,

315. but if you ask your friend to do you a favor

316. and that friend fuck up his one-of-a-kind Jays

317. doing that favor, then I feel like you should,

318. you know, help him un-fuck them up.

319. You know what I'm saying?

320. You remember these, right? - Yeah.

321. Okay, well, Dianne got me these as a gift,

322. and, uh, now she's asking me to wear them tomorrow,

323. so I was hoping if you could, like, fix them.

324. Jay, you know I can't do no miracles right now.

325. Pops is mad as fuck at everybody.

326. Me too. - What he mad at you for?

327. Shit if I know.

328. What he mad at me for? I didn't do nothing.

329. Guess.

330. After the whole thing with Vic and Ms. Tudi happened,

331. this fool Jason gets the bright idea

332. to slip some of the tomatoes

333. on his detective-ass girlfriend, Dianne.

334. Shouldn't have done that, dawg.

335. You shouldn't have done that.

336. Aw, come on, man.

337. I only gave her a little bit of them tomatoes, man.

338. You know Dianne be uptight and shit.

339. Yeah, man, but free will is free will, Jay.

340. Listen, I'm gonna keep it real with you.

341. Dianne hates you, okay?

342. And if it's up to her free will,

343. she'll make me choose her over you.

344. But I'm not about to do that.

345. But the choice is hers to make, Jay, not yours.

346. I'm sorry, bruh.

347. I know Lloyd's dirty ass is around here somewhere.

348. Man, what the hell is this line for?

349. Yo, I think this is for that new "Star Wars" movie.

350. Get the fuck out of here.

351. Nigga, don't that movie come out like years from now?

352. There's Lloyd!

353. Get your ass up!

354. Hey, hey, young buck, what the hell wrong with y'all?

355. - We know it was you, Lloyd! - Ooh, Moms wasn't kidding.

356. I'm 'bout to have a heart attack.

357. You mean a fat attack. Where the hell is Vic?

358. I know he put you up to this shit.

359. Put me up to what? What the hell you talking about?

360. The garden, Lloyd.

361. We know you're breaking in, killing plants.

362. Tell me this ain't yours.

363. Hell no that ain't mine!

364. I was in line all night long... all night.

365. Yeah, right. Like your drunk ass a "Star Wars" fan.

366. Y'all don't understand. Look.

367. Y'all seem to forget I get paid to stand in line,

368. and I do it in shifts

369. with my homeless buddies right there.

370. When that movie come out... Whoo!

371. This spot is gonna be worth $1,000.

372. Now, if you don't believe me,

373. ask these nerdy white boys right here.

374. I was here all night.

375. Well, was he?

376. Let's go, man.

377. All right. Yep, here they are.

378. Same exact pair of Jays.

379. Minimum bid... $300.

380. Oh.

381. Look, man, you sure you can't just get them fixed?

382. The shit is permanently in there, man.

383. I done took them everywhere.

384. Damn, I don't even know what the hell to do.

385. You'll figure it out.

386. So, then it hit me like a ton of bricks

387. why was God was so angry at us,

388. what we've been doing wrong the whole time.

389. What's up, Jason? Ms. Tudi in the house?

390. I just threw away my Jays,

391. along with my relationship.

392. Yeah, good shit.

393. Oh, there you are.

394. You get anything out of those farmers yet?

395. Ms. Tudi, I figured out what we've been doing wrong

396. this whole time... It's greed!

397. Oh, here we go. All right, listen.

398. I will give everyone back their plots, okay?

399. You happy, Jesus?

400. No, no, no, Ms. Tudi. It ain't just you.

401. I mean, it's me. It's everybody.

402. Look at us, man... we hiding stuff,

403. lying, shooting at each other,

404. sneaking around... for what?

405. The cholos came and hollered at me.

406. They just want to be partners in the sauce business.

407. Oh, hell no. No goddamn way.

408. Yeah, yeah. Them dudes deserve to be our partners.

409. I mean, come on, man.

410. They keep a thousand Mexican gangbangers

411. off our back every day, and we ain't even know it.

412. Come on now, you gotta understand how important this is.

413. We got to treat them like partners,

414. as well as the rest of the community.

415. Look, God don't give a damn

416. how much money we make off these tomatoes.

417. He want us to grow our own food.

418. He'd want us to take pride in ourselves

419. in working the land.

420. He wants the community to thrive, girl.

421. He'd want to see Black and Mexican unity.

422. That's what he in it for.

423. Let me tell you what I'm all about... R.O.I.,

424. return on my motherfucking investment.

425. That's what I'm about.

426. See, see? That's your problem.

427. Pardon me for pointing my holy finger at your face,

428. but that's your problem... y'all don't listen.

429. I don't even know why y'all follow me, man.

430. Y'all don't want no guidance. - Ooh, Jays!

431. You got the son of God right here in your motherfucking face

432. offering you the light and the way

433. and you wanna do what you wanna do anyway?

434. Well, that's cool, that's cool. I'ma wash my hands of it.

435. You think you can get along without me and God? Fine.

436. Go ahead and have at it.

437. Wait, wait! Hold it, hold it, hold it!

438. Jesus, Jesus, that's not what I'm saying?

439. Come on. I'ma show you something.

440. Look, like I said, they was at Fish's house

441. because he was making me that custom case,

442. but his cousin Dante was staying with him.

443. Yeah, and he stole the sneakers

444. and took them back to Boston, right?

445. Look, baby, I know it's an asshole move,

446. but, I mean, what you want me to do about it?

447. Here. Just ask Fish.

448. No, no, no. ¿ Sabes que? I'm done.

449. And you don't have to worry about tonight, Jason.

450. You know, that's the last gift that you get from me.

451. Lying asshole.

452. Son of a bitch!

453. Hey, where'd you get those?

454. What's wrong with you, girl? Why don't you take a picture?

455. - I bou... where'd you get those? - It'll last longer.

456. I bought those! Hey, come here!

457. Hey! Hey, let me talk to you for a minute!

458. Stop, stop! Get back here! Where'd you get those Jays?

459. Your mama, biatch.

460. You know you're testing my faith, right?

461. Take what you... ah!

462. Just take what you need.

463. I don't want to hear it.

464. A third goes to the cholos,

465. a third goes to the community,

466. and that leaves me a third of my own shit.

467. And then something curious happened.

468. A counter protest, if you will,

469. a sudden ground swell of support for this garden.

470. Everybody's got love, even the cholos.

471. Look at that. How you doing, man?

472. So, why are you guys so happy?

473. 'Cause this is God's garden, delivered to us

474. by his one true son, Jesus Christ,

475. who has once again returned to walk the earth

476. and spread love.

477. It belongs to us, the community.

478. We're one big family here.

479. And we thank Jesus Christ.

480. Stop, nigga, before I shoot!

481. Hey, Fish, where you at?

482. Don't shoot, don't shoot! Don't hurt him!

483. Boonie, I got him!

484. Be still! I got him! Don't move.

485. Turn his ass over.

486. Vic?

487. It was Vic the whole time.

488. I think that nigga pooped his pants.

489. - Shady motherfucker.

490. Ripped By mstoll