Black Dynamite 1x4

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In an effort to be more likeable to the orphans, Black Dynamite agrees to go with O.J. Simpson to the moon to get moon rocks on Christmas. However, O.J. bails and leaves Dynamite on a doomed space rocket, leaving everyone to believe that Black Dynamite is dead. O.J. takes over the whorephanage and now Black Dynamite must find a way to get the moon rocks and return to Earth to stop O.J. Simpson.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. This week...

2. Bitch, get your hands off my sack.

3. I got to deliver to Santa, and I'll be right back.

4. Special delivery Bullhorn is the name,

5. and laying pipe across the whole North Pole is my game.

6. Ain't no letters worse than the ones that come from orpheens.

7. Their stories break your heart and make you want to shoot that

8. morphine.

9. "All I want for Christmas is some parents with no arms

10. and no legs so they can never shoot smack and run away.

11. Little Orphan Penny."

12. But this year, not only have these orpheens lost

13. their holiday excite, they also lost their

14. like for their sole legal guardian, Black Dynamite!

15. All right, who wants to help

16. Black Dynamite spruce up this Douglas fir?

17. I'm starting to get the feeling that me and that cricket are the

18. only ones with any Christmas spirit.

19. What gives?

20. It ain't Christmas, Black Dynamite.

21. It's you.

22. Me?

23. I've been giving these children the Christmas of

24. their miserable, little lives.

25. Do you mean like yesterday, when you took them to see Santa?

26. Ho, ho, ho.

27. What do you want for Christmas?

28. Little motherless Penny ain't no ho-ho-ho, Santa Claus!

29. She's a goddamn orphan!

30. Now say it!

31. Least I apologized.

32. I think you might be missing the point.

33. The point is I spent the rest of the day doing what

34. they wanted to do.

35. Snowball fi-I-I-ght!

36. Suey! Suey! Suey!

37. Black Dyna... mite, you... ain't shit.

38. I gave him some ice for his little ruptured spleen and

39. broken pelvis.

40. That shit was in the spirit of seasonal fun,

41. which brings to mind the amazing job of decorating we did!

42. Now, little orphan Arnold, plug it in!

43. See right here...

44. This is what Christmas is all about!

45. This is not what Christmas is all abo-o-ut!

46. Hmm, you're saying all the time, care,

47. and effort I put into Christmas was really just a selfish ego

48. trip in which I tried to project some fantasy

49. of a happy childhood I never had?

50. Mm-hmm.

51. Damn.

52. Self-awareness is a cold mother.

53. I know this ain't gonna be fair on y'all,

54. but here goes.

55. Scram, I say! Scram!

56. Split the scene, you turkeys!

57. Get out of my Christmas!

58. Girl, don't worry.

59. He gonna see us in a few minutes.

60. I'll see y'all in a few minutes.

61. Told you.

62. Black Dynamite, I'm gonna give it to you straight with no

63. shit in a crock.

64. You might cop hos by the flock, but sometimes you ain't the most

65. likeable motherfucker on the block.

66. Hey, man, you can't help it if you just unlikeable, B.D.

67. You got to blame that on Mama and your Daddy.

68. If I can't even get them to like me on Christmas,

69. then what's the point of feeding and sheltering and

70. putting clothes on these little

71. motherfuckers in the first place?

72. Speaking of little motherfuckers, little orphan Arnold,

73. if you could have anything in the world for Christmas,

74. what would it be?

75. Little orphan Arnold, I don't know what the fuck this is.

76. It's O.J. Simpson.

77. Haven't you heard?

78. He's going to the moon on Christmas.

79. What you talking about, little orphan Arnold?

80. We love him more than anything in the world.

81. And if you was anything like O.J., we would love you, too.

82. Man, O.J. will be the biggest, blackest monolith in outer space

83. since Stanley Kubrick made "2001" in 1968.

84. He's that great.

85. Bullhorn, now, don't tell me you all on O.J.'s rocket, too.

86. Black Dynamite, I ain't bone-jacking The Juice or

87. fag hagging at all, but this feeling in my balls

88. tells me you got a heavy history with old Orenthal.

89. Well, Bullhorn, now that you dragged the shit out of me

90. that I didn't want dragged out,

91. I might as well take it out all the way.

92. You see, me and O.J. Simpson grew up together in our

93. children hood back when I was a children.

94. The truth is I had likability issues even back then.

95. 10-year-old Black Dynamite,

96. please spell "White" and use it in a sentence.

97. "White"...

98. H-o-n-k-y... "White."

99. "The man is a honky devil"...

100. "White."

101. No, I'm sorry.

102. That is incorrect, Black Dynamite.

103. True, but incorrect.

104. Orenthal James.

105. "White"... W-H-I-T-E...

106. "White."

107. "I would love to be an honorary white"...

108. A "White."

109. When it came to O.J., on the other hand,

110. everybody liked him...

111. White people, caucasians, honkeys,

112. crackers, snowflakes... You name it.

113. Truth is if it wasn't for me,

114. he could have never pranced his way

115. to victory time and time again.

116. Ohh!

117. Oh, there it is! Touchdown!

118. Where the white women at?

119. But even though he wouldn't even exist if

120. it wasn't for the man behind the man...

121. A.K.A. me...

122. Black Dynamite... All anybody ever cared about was

123. O.J. Simpson... A.K.A. him...

124. Number 32, "The Juice."

125. Wow!

126. You know O.J.?

127. Correction...

128. O.J. Simpson knows Black Dynamite.

129. Can you get O.J. Simpson to bring us back some moon rocks

130. for Christmas?

131. Moon rocks?

132. Now, what kind of dumb-ass...

133. Please, please, please, please, please, please!

134. All right, all right.

135. Since you little orphans are getting all wet in the underoos

136. over O.J. Simpson going to the moon,

137. I will get O.J. to bring you orphans back a moon rock for Christmas.

138. Now, who is the most likeable motherfucker that ever lived?

139. O.J.! O.J.! O.J!

140. Now, O.J., there's no need to worry,

141. but if you secure your helmet incorrectly,

142. you may experience a major malfunction.

143. Damn!

144. O.J. Orenthal

145. motherfuckin' Simpson.

146. Black Dynamite!

147. What's happening, man?

148. I always said you'd go to the moon for the white man,

149. but I never thought you'd go to the moon for the white man.

150. Well, B.D., I've already broken several NFL records,

151. had a pretty decent part in "Roots,"

152. and my name is damn near synonymous with a very lucrative

153. and popular rent-a-car industry.

154. I've pretty much conquered the Earth.

155. So I guess the moon was just the next logical step for me.

156. But I'm surprised to see you here, bro.

157. Me too.

158. But don't get the wrong idea.

159. I ain't here to congratulate you or no shit like that.

160. I'm here because these motherless and fatherless

161. orphans want a damn moon rock for Christmas.

162. Dumb shit I know, but since you was going that way,

163. I think you might be able to help me out.

164. Hey, I got an idea.

165. Why don't you come with me, Black Dynamite?

166. What you talking about, O.J. Simpson?

167. You and me could be the first black men on the moon...

168. Together!

169. Hmm. Now, Black Dynamite don't normally go to the moon

170. because of O.J. Simpson asking him to,

171. but since this seems like a coincidence or opportunity to

172. accomplish the unrealistic goal of getting moon rocks for Christmas,

173. and I'm trying to be more likeable,

174. Black Dynamite says okay, O.J.

175. In a surprising last-minute move, M.A.S.A. has announced

176. that the very likeable and universally appealing

177. O.J. Simpson will be joined by the much more controversial and

178. far less likeable black revolutionary vigilante pimp

179. antihero Black Dynamite.

180. And, yes, folks, that is his government.

181. If you time the staging of our rocket improperly,

182. you may experience a major malfunction.

183. Aah! Uh!

184. Suey! Suey!

185. If you miss your re-entry trajectory,

186. your capsule may experience a major malfunction!

187. [ Gasps I

188. This is gonna be one little, Biddy, small step

189. for Black Dynamite,

190. and one giant leap for the rest of you turkeys.

191. And it looks like mission control is ready to begin

192. counting down.

193. And we are a go for launch.

194. T-minus 10...

195. 9..8..7...

196. I don't know if you realize this, Black Dynamite,

197. but being O.J. Simpson is a lot of pressure, man.

198. White folks expect so much from you.

199. You keep trying to outdo yourself,

200. and you keep smiling 'cause, well,

201. that's what a hero is supposed to do.

202. But to be honest, man, I'm tired of being a puppet

203. for these white folks.

204. The last few weeks working with you made me realize something.

205. I got to be true to myself, man.

206. Thank you, Black Dynamite.

207. You know, O.J., I resented you for a long time,

208. but now I'm seeing you different.

209. For the first time I'm actually starting to like you, O.J.

210. O.J.?

211. What the...

212. Now who's going to the moon for the white man?

213. Good luck finding those rocks, sucker!

214. Ignition!

215. O.J. Simpson, you jive-ass motherfucker!

216. Now Black Dynamite is literally out of sight!

217. O.J. Simpson,

218. if you think Black Dynamite can't put his foot in your ass

219. from the moon, you better not think it again!

220. Now, what kind of spacely sprocket bull snot is this here?

221. Calm down, Black Astronaut Dynamite.

222. This is a simple science mission from M.A.S.A.

223. Everything will be just fine, as long as there isn't a major malfunction.

224. What the hell is this?

225. Hey, man, your red light is on!

226. I said your red light is on, man/!

227. Don't worry, Black Astronaut Dynamite.

228. M.A.S.A.'s designed a special program to translate technical

229. jargon to... you people...

230. of... your kind.

231. Your rocket wiring is getting hotter than a motherfucker and your

232. heat shield ain't worth two damns, neither.

233. What the hell do you mean,

234. stereotypical black-jargon light?

235. And what are you saying?

236. Say, man, if I was you, I'd get the hell up out

237. this rocket, man.

238. Goonie-goo-goo!

239. Now, that's a fire!

240. Is it normal for a rocket ship to be on fire like that?

241. I mean, I watch a lot of movies.

242. That usually means that somebody about to die.

243. Look, Black Astronaut Dynamite,

244. M.A.S.A. appreciates your sacrifice.

245. Sincerely, he does.

246. Man, you better sincerely get

247. Black Dynamite's ass out of this damn rocket!

248. Aw, your shit's about to blow up in 7... 6..5...

249. aw, damn, I counted wrong.

250. Oh, Lord, I'm fainting.

251. Oh!

252. Aah!

253. Black Astronaut Dynamite.

254. Come in, Black Astronaut Dynamite!

255. Ohh!

256. Don't you die on me!

257. Well, that's all M.A.S.A. can do.

258. Who's up for some Roscoe's?

259. 'Twas the night before Christmas,

260. and all through the place, there were no bitches in bed

261. nor honkeys being chased

262. because Black Dynamite's ass was lost in space.

263. Space, space...

264. Today on this wonderful snow-white Christmas eve,

265. our nation mourns another almost-was that

266. could have been, but was never meant to be.

267. Good night, sweet Dynamite.

268. Your blackness will never be forgotten.

269. Lord, no!

270. Jesus, Lord, why him?

271. You could have took anybody but him ... or me.

272. Does this mean we're not getting moon rocks?

273. You!

274. Y'all did this!

275. You killed Black Dynamite with your moon rocks and your dreams

276. and your hopes for a better future!

277. And now he's dead!

278. Right before Christmas!

279. I-I'm sorry.

280. I guess I went too far.

281. It's a stressful time of the year.

282. I mean, y'all burnt the turkey.

283. Uh, Black Dynamite's burnt up.

284. Let's deck the halls, fuck it.

285. Man, I ain't never done no crying.

286. I ain't lying.

287. Are you okay, Bullhorn?

288. I guess the shock and disbelief will stick with me

289. for a while because getting killed in the line of duty

290. just wasn't Black Dynamite's style.

291. I know.

292. But for the sake of those whores and those orphans in that there

293. Whorephanage and for Black Dynamite up in heaven,

294. we're gonna have to pull together to honor his big,

295. black memory and make this the best Christmas ever.

296. Now, how the hell are we supposed to do that?

297. It's O.J. Simpson!

298. Oh, ho-ho-ho!

299. Who's O.J.?

300. My name is Santa Simpson!

301. It's like big Black Dynamite is looking down and

302. giving us a big, black blessing from above.

303. Say, man, there goes an abandoned Soviet space station.

304. If I was you, /'d get on the motherfucker.

305. Look, monkey!

306. Black Dynamite ain't never fucked up no space chimp at

307. zero G's before, but I'm trying to be more likeable,

308. so I'm offering a truce.

309. Now, are there a barrel of you motherfuckers or are you the only one?

310. Just like I thought.

311. You a monkey all alone up in space with no monkey pussy

312. or nothing.

313. And now you done lost your monkey mind, huh?

314. Somehow I feel like I know the feeling,

315. but I don't.

316. How'd you get up here, anyway?

317. So your brother monkey and your monkey

318. government abandoned you to die

319. and spend the holidays all alone, too, huh?

320. Well, I need to contact those space honkeys

321. at M.A.S.A. so they can get your

322. monkey ass and my man ass up out of here.

323. O.J. Simpson, hero of the doomed moon mission,

324. who somehow miraculously survived the explosion,

325. visits the Whorephanage of deceased space martyr

326. Black Dynamite to give comfort to his friends,

327. orphans, and whores.

328. I just want these orphans to have a real Christmas,

329. even if I have to step into Black Dynamite's shoes and

330. do what he is tragically unable to do now,

331. nor at anytime in the future.

332. Is it any wonder why O.J. Simpson is the most likeable

333. and therefore the most respected black man in American

334. history now?

335. And I'm willing to predict forever.

336. Walter Cronkite, mark my words, there will come a day when

337. America no longer likes O.J. Simpson.

338. You can mark my words.

339. What's that, boy?

340. You know how to get to the moon?

341. And it has the rocks I need on it?

342. Well, that's amazing, monkey, 'cause you didn't even know I

343. needed any rocks.

344. Well, where is this moon, and show me where I can find it.

345. Come on, monkey!

346. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

347. All I know, monkey, is if they all

348. out of moon rocks, I'm gonna be pissed.

349. Can you dig it?

350. Amazon bitches on the moon.

351. Ain't that some shit.

352. Silence, black muscle man!

353. Look, I'm only here to collect moon rocks for Christmas,

354. then I'll be on my way.

355. Likely story!

356. Just like a man to come to the moon in order to infiltrate our

357. base, find our secret weapon and interrupt my evil master plan

358. to destroy the Earth at the last minute!

359. I would ask how you amazon bitches got here,

360. but I ain't got the time.

361. I got to get back to Earth with these moon rocks for Christmas

362. before there ain't no Christmas.

363. Oh, go ahead and go back to Earth, Black Dynamite.

364. You'll get there just in time to see it destroyed!

365. Now, that's some real bitch shit literally.

366. Try and stop us, Black Dynamite.

367. Now, beating up on amazon moon bitches ain't Black Dynamite's

368. style and would make me very unlikeable as a character,

369. but my Soviet monkey friend here ain't as evolved as me.

370. Oh, you done fucked with the wrong bitch, monkey!

371. Now how am I supposed to get back to Earth in time

372. for Christmas?

373. All these moon rocks and not a goddamn orphan to give them to!

374. Monkey, I was wrong.

375. This ain't looking nothing like Christmas.

376. Fuck you, O.J. Simpso-o-o-n!

377. Hos, hos, and more hos!

378. Merry Christmas, sucker!

379. Black Santa Claus?

380. What the fuck are you doing on the moon?

381. Amazon moon bitches got children, too, Black Dynamite.

382. Shit.

383. Santa, you got room on that sleigh for Black Dynamite,

384. a Soviet Russian monkey friend,

385. and a flock of amazon moon-bitch orphans?

386. We really do appreciate all you've done for us,

387. O.J. Simpson, especially in the light of our recent and

388. ongoing tragedy.

389. You are one righteous dude.

390. That's what they say... Nobody's more righteous

391. than The Juice.

392. Good old O J...

393. Orenthal motherfuckin' Simpson.

394. O.J., you all right?

395. You know, Black Dynamite did always say that I would go to

396. the moon for the white man, and he was right.

397. I would have.

398. But that was the old O.J.

399. The new O.J. says fuck the white man, the moon,

400. and his mama!

401. O.J., you better be careful with that knife,

402. or one day you might write a book about how you allegedly

403. took some white bitch's life.

404. Shut the fuck up!

405. O.J., you scaring us.

406. Oh, what's wrong, little orphan Arnold?

407. You not a white woman.

408. You ain't got nothing to worry about.

409. Whoo-hoo!

410. Black Dynamite!

411. Man, please tell me this ain't no jive!

412. Black Dynamite made it back from the moon alive!

413. O.J. Uh, merry Christmas, Black Dynamite.

414. Huh?

415. Ohh!

416. Ha ha!

417. I threw that rock before I left the moon!

418. You know, Black Dynamite, while you were gone,

419. we had a lot of time to think about things.

420. We learned to just be happy with who we are and what we got.

421. Like you always told us...

422. A ho mama is better than no mama.

423. And a less likeable Black Dynamite is better than no

424. Black Dynamite at all.

425. Less likeable my ass!

426. I just went to the moon for y'all kids!

427. The moon!

428. I'm flushing these moon rocks down the toilet,

429. you bunch of ungrateful, non-appreciative,

430. no-good mother...

431. Black Dynamite may not be jolly like old Saint Nick,

432. but he's the one you call when you need somebody's

433. ass kicked in the dick.

434. Well, Santa helper hos, let's get our asses in flight.

435. A merry Christmas to all, and to all a Black...