1. Previously on
"Black Dynamite"...
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2. Black Dynamite, I'm Donald,
your accountant,
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3. and as your accountant, I have
an extremely urgent accounting
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4. matter I must
discuss with —
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5. I don't care if
you're Merv Griffin,
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6. creator and host of
"The Merv Griffin Show."
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7. You need to make an appointment,
like everybody else, Jack.
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8. Damn it!
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9. “Van!
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10. Ohh! Suey!
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11. Black Dynamite?
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12. Huh?
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13. You can't ignore
this any longer.
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14. I tried to make an appointment
like you said, but —
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15. My Secretary bitch is
outwith the shits.
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16. Now, don't be interrupting
my kung fu!
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17. Suey!
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18. Man, can't this wait?
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19. No, it can't,
Black Dynamite.
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20. They are shooting.
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21. Fine. Get in.
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22. What I've been trying to tell you is,
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23. you haven't filed income
taxes for eight years.
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24. You owe the I.R.S. $60,000, and
now they're going to fucking
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25. kill you!
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26. Is that what
this shit's all about?
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27. These motherfuckers can't
be bargained with!
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28. They can't be reasoned with.
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29. They don't feel pity
or remorse or fear.
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30. And they absolutely will not
stop, ever, until you are dead
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31. or broke or in jail —
or both!
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32. Incoming!
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33. Donald, my accountant!
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34. Black Dynamite,
I'm not gonna make it.
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35. Please, promise me...
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36. Anything, man!
Anything in the world.
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37. you'll make sure this form is
postmarked by midnight on the
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38. 15th, or you... may...
be subject to ... penalties.
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39. Ahh. I'm dead.
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40. I'm sorry,
Donald the accountant.
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41. I should have
listened to you sooner.
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42. Looks like you're gonna
need a new accountant,
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43. Black Dynamite.
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44. I've got until the 15th,
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45. you money-hungry bureaucratic
sons of bitches!
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46. Scram, I say! Scram!
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47. This week...
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48. Surprise!
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49. Right before your eyes.
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50. Black Dynamite,
we all heard about your tax
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51. troubles with the I.R.S., so all
the whores and the orphans in
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52. this here whorephanage
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53. got together to
raise you some scratch.
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54. These girls have already
sucked every dick
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55. in a 10-mile radius.
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56. And me and Cream Corn planned
this badass party last night
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57. to raise funds and awareness
for broke Black Dynamite!
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58. We sold a few
thousand of these —
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59. 2 for $5.
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60. Even these little nappy-headed
orphans pitched in.
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61. All right, shut the
fuck up when grown
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62. folks is strugglin'.
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63. I'd take this money
if I didn't need it,
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64. but now that I do need it,
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65. there ain't no way
I'm gonna take it.
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66. Now get back out there on that block
and get that money I don't need.
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67. Now I'm just thinkin' out loud,
so this may sound berserk,
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68. but maybe B.D. can
make some ends meet
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69. by puttin' in some
mercenary work.
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70. Now, that's a greatidea, Bullhorn.
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71. That is a good idea.
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72. I think it's a terrible idea.
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73. Yeah, it is kind of terrible.
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74. The problem with taking
somebody's money to
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75. do a job is that they always
expect something in return.
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76. Well, I guess we'll just have to
come up with another plan, then.
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77. Not necessarily,
because sometimes,
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78. a terrible idea is the
best idea you got.
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79. And if there's one
thing I've learned,
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80. you always go with the
best idea you got.
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81. Thank you for coming,
Black Dynamite.
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82. I'm a motion-picture producer.
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83. That means that I
produce motion pictures.
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84. What do you know about
Richard Pryor?
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85. You mean the comedy man?
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86. Yes, the comedian.
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87. You say "tomato,"
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88. Black Dynamite says
"toe-mah-toe."
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89. We've already had massive
success filming Richard Pryor
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90. Live in concert,
and we got Richard Pryor
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91. here and now
without a hiccup.
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92. But for some reason, no one has
been able to get Richard Pryor
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93. live on the Sunset Strip,
and that's where you come in,
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94. Black Dynamite.
Take this.
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95. What is this?
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96. His inspiration.
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97. Oh shit! Why y'all didn't
tell me the plane landed?
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98. I was on the toilet
taking a shit.
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99. You know when you're sitting on
a plane, taking a shit and
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100. your ass get sucked
down the toilet?
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101. I didn't think my ass was
ever gonna come back, Jack.
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102. I said, "Take the shit
but leave me, motherfucker.
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103. Ha ha! Brilliant, Richie baby!
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104. But save it for the show.
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105. What's happenin', Jack?
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106. My main man.
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107. Baddest motherfucker I ever met.
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108. Cocaine.
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109. What's the matter,
Black Dynamite?
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110. You've never seen a black
entertainer get high?
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111. No.
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112. It's just that nobody's ever
left me hangin' before.
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113. Oh shit! Is that all the cocaine we got?
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114. It's gonna be a long night,
Jack.
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115. I snort through motherfucker.
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116. This little briefcase
ain't doin' shit.
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117. I fuck potential mothers,
soon-to-be mothers,
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118. already mothers.
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119. I'm a motherfucker. I never got no
pussy when I was your age.
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120. But livin' up in here?
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121. Y'all should be
gettin' all of it.
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122. Hoe come in the house,
I'm 7 years old.
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123. I'm punchin' the shit out
the pussy
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124. 'cause my dick
was too small.
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125. Uppercuttin' the pussy.
I'm knockin' pussy out daily.
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126. Say, baby, you remind
me of my mama.
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127. Aw. Because I'm kind
and nurturing?
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128. No, bitch!
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129. 'Cause you got big titties
and you sells good pussy!
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130. Man, Richard Pryor,
you are on fire!
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131. And you got enough
meat on your nose
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132. to make a ham sandwich,
boy!
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133. Rhyming all the damn time.
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134. I can't tell if it's a trick, a
tick, a talent, or tourrette's.
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135. You're the funniest man
alive ordead.
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136. Well, thank you, Miss.
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137. Whores and orphans
under one roof.
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138. Whose idea was this, anyway?
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139. Mine.
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140. Man, did you actually think
about this shit before you
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141. put the children and the pussy
within fuckin' distance of each other?
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142. Hey, little kids.
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143. I'm Black Dynamite.
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144. I know you all ain't got no
parents,
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145. so how 'bout I replace them with
a lifetime supply of pussy.
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146. That is not what I silently said
to myself inside my head!
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147. You may not find him funny,
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148. but you about to fuck up
all your money.
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149. Look here,
Mr. Comedy Man.
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150. Now, I don't get you
or your comedy jokes
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151. or comedy in general,
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152. but what I am gonna get
is you to the Sunset Strip
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153. so I can pay
my damn taxes.
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154. Can you dig it?
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155. As a matter of fact, here goes
a package from the I.R.S.
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156. right now.
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157. I.R.S.? No!
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158. Looks like I need to get the
fuck up out of here.
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159. Let's go get something to eat
before Black Dynamite kills us
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160. with his back taxes.
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161. It's funny 'cause it's true.
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162. Man, I tell you — the I.R.S.
ain't no joke, Jack.
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163. Them motherfuckers will run right up
in your ass to get they money.
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164. You ever notice when you look at
your check, it says "F.E.C.A.,
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165. F.I.C.A. fucks you
out your money."
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166. And my accountant gonna tell me,
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167. "Good news, Richard.
You're in the black."
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168. And I'm like, "Sucka,
you say I got $2 million.
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169. Motherfucker I want to see it —
in cash!
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170. Drive it to me in the
Brinks truck right now! "
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171. You mean to tell me
Hollywood really pays
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172. you all that money for standing
around and talkin' shit.
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173. That's right.
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174. But havin' people laugh
at you all the time
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175. ain't all it's
cracked up to be.
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176. Sometimes, I just want
my dick hugged.
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177. Can I get you something
to drink, Mr. Pryor?
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178. Not unless you got some
milk in them titties.
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179. Big as them titties is,
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180. shouldn't be a starving
kid nowhere in Africa.
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181. Nah, baby.
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182. I stopped drinking
two minutes ago.
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183. That is some bullshit!
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184. Don't nobody believe you,
Richard Pryor.
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185. I know you don't believe me,
motherfucker 'cause you fucked up.
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186. Motherfucker say...
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187. "I'm drunk, and I'm the ugliest
motherfucker up in here.
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188. I'm so ugly, the tears roll
down the back of my neck.
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189. When I cry, they don't
want to be on my face."
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190. Okay, that's enough
drinkin' and jivin',
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191. you drunk jive turkeys!
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192. Oh, what you gonna do to me?
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193. Black Dynamite, I'm gonna kick
your dick, nuts, and ass to
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194. the motherfuckin' bone.
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195. Do you hear me?
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196. Man, did you see that?
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197. Them suckas got messed up, Jack,
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198. Fucking around with
me and my boy. Shit.
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199. Man, you got to show me how
to do some of that stuff,
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200. Black Dynamite!
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201. We could be like
Blackman and Robin.
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202. Richard Pryor, give me that
gun before you hurt somebody.
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203. Motherfucker.
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204. We bad. We bad.
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205. That's right motherfucker — we bad.
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206. This ain't Gene Wilder motherfucker,
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207. this is Black Dynamite, and we
will whup your ass, Jack.
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208. Do you know what
we're in for?
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209. Puttin' a foot in a motherfucker's ass
and makin' it come out his mouth!
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210. You ever seen that before?
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211. You think Richard Pryor's foot
in your ass is a joke, boy?
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212. You think I'm funny?
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213. Well, I'm not!
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214. I'm tired of pouring my heart
out to motherfuckers and all you do
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215. is laugh.
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216. Stop laughing at me.
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217. I'm serious.
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218. Shut the fuck up when
groan men's is cryin'.
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219. Richard Pryor?
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220. This better not be one
of your comedy jokes,
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221. because Black Dynamite don't
ever hold no grown man
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222. in his arms like a baby when
he's cryin' and weepin' —
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223. especially a comedy man.
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224. Man fuck the comedy man
and his mama!
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225. I don't want to make these
motherfuckers laugh.
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226. I got some real shit to say,
man.
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227. I know how to out
through the bullshit
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228. but don't nobody care
when I say it.
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229. It's always the same.
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230. Did you hear what he said?
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231. He said, "it's always the same."
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232. He said, "it's always the same"!
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233. See what I mean'?
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234. When you talk, people listen.
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235. They take your ass serious.
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236. You ain't really
got shit to say,
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237. but they listen,
and that's what I want.
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238. I want somebody to listen so
I can teach them somethin'.
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239. Pryor, Richard!
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240. Dynamite, Black!
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241. You made bail!
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242. We bad. We bad.
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243. That's right,
motherfucker, we bad.
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244. I just peed on myself!
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245. What's this?
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246. 'Bout 200 kilos'
worth of money.
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247. I thought all
that Brinks truck talk was
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248. just one of your little funnies,
Richard Pryor.
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249. Man, I told your ass —
I don't joke.
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250. How 'bout I pay
your tax bill,
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251. you look the other way, and we
both get to walk away with a
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252. cool little story to tell?
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253. I can't do that,
Richard Pryor.
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254. Black Dynamite don't
ever break his words.
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255. Black Dynamite's words and
Black Dynamite's balls is all
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256. Black Dynamite
has in this life.
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257. That, plus my bitches, my car,
an exquisite wardrobe,
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258. and a bunch of more, other
shit, but my point is,
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259. Black Dynamite said he
would get Richard Pryor
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260. live on the Sunset Strip,
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261. and that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
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262. A'ight, man. I can dig it.
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263. Keep your word
andyour balls.
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264. Oh Shit, is that
the I.R.S.?
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265. I thought I told you
Internal Revenue motherfuckers
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266. that Black Dynamite
was gonna get your money!
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267. I'm workin' on it!
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268. What about my taxes,
Richard Pryor?
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269. You better get
you some scratch-offs, sucka!
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270. Man, crazy Rich done
busted loose with all of that money,
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271. and he can be
anywhere by now.
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272. And that shit
ain't funny.
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273. Tomorrow's the 15th,
and the I.R.S. has threatened
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274. to put a lien on
this whorephanage.
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275. What we gon' do?
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276. Look here, Honey Bee.
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277. Ain't nobody leanin' on
Black Dynamite's whores
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278. or his orphans.
Can you dig it?
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279. Which reminds me,
I promised to drop my mama's 1099s
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280. off at the post office.
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281. Hey, Black Dynamite,
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282. they didn't repossess your
ride yet, did they?
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283. I'll just walk.
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284. Maybe I can get the girls to
stop suckin' and fuckin'
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285. for an hour, and they
can find Richard Pryor.
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286. Nah, let them keep suckin'
and fuckin' Honey Bee.
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287. I've been to every hot spot,
cathouse, nightclub, drug spot,
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288. and gambling den in town.
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289. And...?
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290. He's been in every
last one of them.
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291. Wait, Black Dynamite!
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292. There's someone I know that can
help us find Richard Pryor
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293. and get him to the show.
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294. Richard's not here.
What do you want'?
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295. How did you know —
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296. I know you've got a
Richard Pryor problem,
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297. 'cause no one shows
up to Paul Mooney's pad
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298. unannounced unless they've
got a Richard Pryor problem.
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299. I've been livin' in that
brother's light-skinned shadow
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300. all of my life.
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301. Can you help us find him?
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302. Is a pig's pussy pork?
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303. Where did you last see him?
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304. In a Brinks truck filled
with 2 million big ones.
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305. That's what I was afraid of.
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306. You were trying to get him to
the Sunset Strip, weren't you?
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307. You see, Richard thinks that if
he goes to the Sunset Strip,
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308. then all he'll ever be is one of
the greatest comedians that ever lived.
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309. Richard wants
more than that.
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310. He wants to be
like Malcolm X.
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311. See? That's the problem.
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312. Well, besides being
a comedy man that
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313. nobody will ever take serious,
what's stopping him?
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314. You mean, besides the cocaine,
the quaaludes, valium,
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315. white women, mother issues,
father issues, racism, vodka,
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316. pork pussy and fame?
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317. That don't cover it?
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318. Richard's got that shit
and that shinola.
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319. You can't have shinola
without the shit.
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320. Because the truth
lives in the shit.
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321. The shit
is where you find wisdom.
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322. The shit is what reminds
you that your shit stinks.
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323. It keeps your
feet on the ground.
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324. Paul Mooney,
you might sound deep,
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325. but you look jungle
fuckin' loony.
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326. Man, what the hell are we doing
out here with Paul Mooney, anyway?
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327. Wait, wait!
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328. I smell something cooking.
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329. Cocaine...
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330. and a man's flesh.
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331. It's him!
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332. Aaah!
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333. There goes Richard Pryor!
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334. He's naked and
literally on fire!
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335. Huh?
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336. He went that way!
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337. It's time to break
out the heavy weapons.
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338. What's that?
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339. All of Richard's
greatest hits —
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340. cocaine, vodka tonic,
and white-woman saliva.
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341. He's responded well
to these in the past
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342. when all else has failed.
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343. Oh shit
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344. Aaaaaaah!
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345. Damn!
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346. Why... are... you... doing...
this ... to ... me?
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347. False alarm.
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348. He's not Richard Pryor.
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349. You think Richard Pryor's
the only basehead
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350. to ever catch on fire, man?
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351. Then why did you run,
basehead?
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352. I was on fire, man!
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353. I was about to put myself out,
and then you motherfuckers
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354. started chasin' me.
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355. The hell was I supposed to do?
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356. Oh shit, that's
my accountant.
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357. Did you guys know that taxes
were due by midnight tonight?
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358. I got to fly.
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359. Donald, you were more
than just an accountant.
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360. You were my accountant.
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361. But now, you're just a dead
accountant lying in this grave.
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362. If I could do it all over again,
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363. I would've made time
to talk to you.
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364. I would've filed quarterly and kept my
business and personal receipts separate.
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365. I cannot bring you back to life,
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366. but I can come back and engrave
"avenged" on your tombstone.
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367. I.R.S.
30 minutes to showtime, Black Dynamite.
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368. You got your tickets.
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369. I've got mine.
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370. If you don't have our money,
you'll be sleeping
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371. with the fishes, right here,
beside Donald —
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372. in the dirt.
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373. Black Dynamite ain't never
slept with a fish or
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374. laid in a grave
in his whole life,
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375. and he damn sure ain't
gonna start now!
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376. Go on.
Shoot, Black Dynamite.
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377. Kill me, and two more agents
will pop up in my place.
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378. And if you kill
those two agents,
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379. four more will take
over for them.
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380. Kill those four, and you'll find
yourself dealing with eight.
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381. Waste those eight,
now you've got 16 I.R.S.
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382. agents following you
wherever you go.
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383. Go ahead and kill those 16...
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384. Cream Corn?
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385. Honey bee? Bullhorn?
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386. The I.R.S. honky is right.
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387. Ain't but two things
certain in this world —
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388. we're gonna be taxed by the
I.R.S. and we're gonna be
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389. killed by the I.R.S.
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390. We might as well go back
to the whorephanage,
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391. board up the windows,
give everybody assault rifles,
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392. and wait for the
final shootout.
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393. 4 and 64 equals 128,
and do you know what
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394. 128 times 2 is?
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395. 256!
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396. All... up... in... your... ass,
Black Dynamite!
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397. Wait.
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398. I hear something.
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399. That was some serious shit
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400. It sounds like...
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401. shit being talked.
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402. It was a hershey bar.
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403. Fuckin' around and
ate the motherfucker
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404. smelled like I had a shit
sandwich for breakfast.
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405. Hey, baby, can I get a swig?
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406. You think you got problems?
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407. I had a Brinks truck with
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408. $2 million 48 hours ago,
and I bet you were sitting
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409. in the same shit
you're sitting in now.
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410. Man, you right,
Richard, man.
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411. I am sittin' in shit
but you make us feel like we
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412. ain't sittin' in shit no
matter how much shit we're
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413. sittin' in.
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414. That shit is crazy.
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415. Look at him.
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416. All he's got is
his dirty drawers,
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417. his half-skunked jug of wine,
and you, Richard Pryor.
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418. Well, motherfucker
that reminds me —
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419. a funny thing happened
while I was gone.
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420. I gambled away $2 million —
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421. Plus 4 more in I.O.U.S —
to some kung fu gangsters
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422. from Chinatown.
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423. And they want
to kick my ass.
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424. Richard Pryor!
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425. You in big trouble with
little Chinatown gang.
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426. Aaaaaah!
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427. Oh shit!
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428. Richard Pryor, I'm gonna get
you live on The Sunset Strip,
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429. and then I'm gonna
kill you dead.
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430. Motherfucker.
Run, boy!
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431. Oh, my god!
It's Richard Pryor!
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432. What?
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433. Richard, cut it out!
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434. One thing I know how to do is run!
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435. Suey!
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436. Aaaaaaaah!
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437. Suey! Suey! Daaaah!
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438. Suey!
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439. Hey, little fat troll!
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440. Oh! There you are!
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441. I heard you wanted Richard Pryor
live on the Sunset Strip.
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442. Well, here I is.
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443. You think this is funny?
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444. Actually, I do, motherfucker.
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445. I took care of that
gambling debt for you,
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446. Richard Pryor.
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447. Those Kung Fu gangsters from
Chinatown won't be bothering
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448. you no more.
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449. I'm not paying you to deal
with kung fu gangsters
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450. from Chinatown.
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451. If you ever want to work in
Hollywood again,
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452. Black Dynamite,
I advise you to do your job!
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453. You're my mercenary —
all mine!
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454. Now, you wait a minute,
Mr. Movie Producer.
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455. I got Richard here,
just like I said I would.
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456. Whether he gets up onstage is
up to him and his cocaine.
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457. So I suggest you
give him a break,
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458. 'cause he's been dealin' with
a lot of heavy on his mind.
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459. Can you dig?
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460. Look, Richard!
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461. We got your inspiration!
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462. Come and get it!
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463. My main man!
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464. No!
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465. Cocaine is not your main man,
Richard Pryor!
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466. Fine! So be it.
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467. You think you're the first
incredibly talented person of
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468. color to take show business by
storm, only to be driven insane
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469. by the pressures of a system
that's designed to suck them dry
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470. and leave them dead
in a heap of cocaine?
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471. Well, you won't
be the last!
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472. He's right!
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473. Man, it's hopeless, man.
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474. I'm-a jump!
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475. Don't jump
man!
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476. Oh shit. Fuck what I
just said, Richard Pryor!
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477. Jump! Jump!
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478. What?
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479. Oh shit, why didn't somebody
tell me I was on fire?
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480. Suey!
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481. Very dramatic. Very touching.
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482. If you don't get
on that stage now,
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483. I swear to god I will
personally see to it that you
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484. and everything you ever worked
for comes crashing down!
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485. Aaaaaaah!
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486. Burn, Hollywood! Burn!
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487. Ha ha! Get it?
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488. Burn! Ha ha!
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489. Hy-sterical.
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490. Smashed honky is
not hy-sterical.
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491. But it is funny.
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492. Look, Richard Pryor,
at first,
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493. I didn't get you or
your comedy jokes.
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494. Even though the whole
world is laughin' at you,
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495. just know that Black Dynamite
takes you seriously.
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496. Here.
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497. You earned this,
Black Dynamite.
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498. That's why it's
called mercenary work.
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499. I.R.S.
Thank you, Black Dynamite.
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500. That takes care of your federal,
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501. but the city and state will be
by this afternoon to get theirs,
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502. and they're not
as nice as us!
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503. Now, that's hy-sterical.
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504. - Motherfucker.
- Thanks, y'all.
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505. Maybe I should be
grateful for my blessin's.
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506. Maybe big muscles
aren't everything.
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507. Well, now you're just talkin'
crazy, Richard Pryor.
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508. I have a feeling that little
comedy man's gonna inspire a
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509. whole generation of
nobodies to be somebodies.
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510. And when that happens...
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511. My main man!
Cocaine!
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