1. Previously on
"Black Dynamite"...
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2. Aah! Sueeey!
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3. You know and I know that
That Frog Kurtis is a...
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4. Jive-ass motherfucker!
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5. Wait, Black Dynamite,
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6. I'm part of every lesson
you ever learned.
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7. I got you... I got you out
of peeing in the bed.
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8. Your daddy wasn't there for
that, Black Dynamite.
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9. Your daddy wasn't there
for that, Black Dynamite.
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10. Okay?
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11. Black Dynamite, thank you for
coming on the puppet show
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12. as my special guest
and best friend.
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13. And you kids can forget
about everything
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14. That Frog Kurtis...
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15. Ribbit, motherfucker!
Ribbit!
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16. This week...
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17. That brings back good
and bad memories,
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18. but memories nonetheless.
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19. These orphans are
so excited about
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20. going disco skating
with you, Black Dynamite,
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21. that they little asses
slept with their skates on.
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22. These orphans have spent
their whole lives being orphans.
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23. Sometimes they need a break.
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24. And there's nothing
like some good disco skating
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25. to take the misery out
of being an orphan.
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26. Lord knows I can use a break,
and I got a mama.
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27. It's hard being a grown-ass pimp
living with your mama.
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28. Oh yeah, I forgot to go potty
before we left.
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29. Cream Corn, hold your horses
and your wee-wee, please.
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30. Looks like the traffic done
jammed and squeezed
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31. - with Tasty Freeze.
- Black Dynamite!
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32. You kids sit tight.
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33. Don't worry, this traffic
jamming's not gonna
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34. interrupt our disco jamming.
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35. Man, I'm glad to see you,
Black Dynamite!
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36. Some preaching-ass fool
is having church
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37. right in the middle
of all my pussy.
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38. I can't make no money.
- My camel toe need water.
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39. Reverend Daddy Dynamite?
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40. My long-estranged
daddy's name was
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41. "Reverend Daddy Dynamite,"
and he was a reverend.
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42. Now, I could lie to you and say
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43. I'm just going out
for a pack a cigarettes,
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44. but the truth is,
I'm leaving you
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45. to raise 8-year-old
Black Dynamite by yourself.
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46. Now dig it while you can,
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47. because the light just turned
motherfuckin' green.
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48. Bye, bitch.
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49. I never thought
I'd see the day when I'd get
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50. to meet my daddy face-to-face
as Grown Dynamite.
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51. This total coincidence might
just give Black Dynamite
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52. a sense of wholeness that
has eluded him
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53. for most of his childhood life.
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54. I'm just saying.
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55. Wait, please, don't leave.
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56. I... I was just about to send
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57. the collection plate
around again.
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58. - Daddy Dynamite?
- I know, I know.
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59. Here's your tithes back.
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60. No, Daddy, it's me,
your son, Black Dynamite.
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61. Son, a lot of people have
that n...
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62. Boy, I can't believe it.
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63. You got the same mustache
you had
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64. when you was 8 years old.
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65. You know,
I never forgave Mama for running you away.
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66. 'Til this day I have yet to put
a flower on her grave.
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67. Well, actually, son, I just
did a little cool spin
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68. and walked the fuck out
on my own.
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69. Oh, well, I guess who left who
don't matter no more.
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70. But what brought you back here
after all these years, anyway?
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71. I read in the classifieds
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72. that there was great
preaching opportunities
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73. in the Black community.
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74. So I came here to spread
the word.
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75. But I don't know, son.
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76. God's words don't seem to pay
like they used to.
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77. Well, you can't give up, Daddy.
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78. You're the only preacher I know
that tells it like it is.
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79. I mean, you could have lied
to my mama you was
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80. going out for a pack of
cigarettes, but you didn't.
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81. Yeah, well, son, those were
the good old days.
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82. Been nice chatting with you,
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83. but Daddy Dynamite shall
be going.
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84. Maybe I'll see you
in another 25 years, son.
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85. But Daddy, we just reunited,
and it feels so good.
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86. Why don't you just stay around
for a while?
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87. Maybe I could help you out.
- Well, if you insist.
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88. Uh, I didn't.
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89. I mean, all I just need is a place
to freeload for a while.
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90. You know, somewhere I can
shit, shower, and shave,
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91. and pay nothing,
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92. just until I get
my congregation up.
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93. Well, we got plenty of toilets
to shit in
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94. and enough whores to shower
and shave you for a lifetime.
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95. You can stay
at the Whorephanage.
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96. - Whorpha-who?
- That would be perfect, son.
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97. It will also give us
a opportunity to catch up,
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98. do some of that
father-and-son shit
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99. you always dreamed about.
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100. Honey Bee, call the whores
at the Whorephanage
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101. and tell them to pick up
about 3,000 razors and enough
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102. shaving cream to keep my daddy
in my life for good.
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103. But Black Dynamite...
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104. This is gonna be like living
at home together again,
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105. just like when I was 8.
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106. But this time, I'm a grown man
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107. with whores and orphans
and a bunch of other shit,
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108. but you... you get
the picture, Daddy.
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109. Now, this won't mean a damn
thing to me
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110. until I get to know you
a little bit better,
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111. Black Dynamite.
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112. Maybe even then it still won't.
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113. But in the meanwhile,
give your daddy a hug, son.
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114. Now, I hate to bring down this
whole room with a frown,
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115. but I just remembered
we left a whole load of orphans
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116. on wheels in a bus downtown.
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117. Black Dynamite, you ain't shit!
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118. Come on, son!
Come on!
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119. You know this
father son shit ain't that bad.
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120. Dynamite, dynamite.
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121. Mm, you looking
mighty sharp, Black Dynamite.
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122. Hadn't seen you in a while.
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123. Well, at least not
without your daddy.
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124. Honey Bee, I know this has been
a big transition for y'all,
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125. but a daddy is what I've been
missing my whole life.
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126. Well, yeah, well you just gotta
be careful, Black Dynamite.
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127. Remember, he didn't come back
here for you.
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128. And by the way, you know
you missed
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129. little orphan Willis'
birthday party yesterday.
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130. Not little orphan Willis'
birthday!
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131. Nooooooooooooo!
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132. - How was it?
- It was good.
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133. But he missed you.
They all did.
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134. I don't know if you
realize this,
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135. but you're a daddy too,
Black Dynamite.
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136. Ladies and gentlemen, the man
whose life I walked out of
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137. when he was an 8-year-old
children.
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138. The one that has not only
provided us
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139. with a place
for whores and orphans,
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140. but also for the word of God.
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141. Give it up for my most beloved
son, Black Dynamite!
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142. Can I get a "Dynamite,
Dynamite"?
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143. Dynamite, Dynamite.
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144. You know, when I look around
this room,
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145. I see nothing but players,
pushers, pimps, and pros.
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146. That's right.
That's what we are.
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147. Preach, Daddy Dynamite, preach.
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148. Now, God's just got one thing
for me to lay on you cats
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149. and one thing only.
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150. Daddy Dynamite
and Black Dynamite are
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151. declaring holy war on anybody
hustling, pushing,
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152. pimping, or selling hoes
in this community.
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153. But... but Daddy Dynamite...
Slick Berg Ice, Master Fly,
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154. Pimp Slick Micky, Black Zeus,
and myself,
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155. we all sell hoes
to the community.
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156. I know you're selling hoes.
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157. But the problem is you're not
giving the proceeds to God.
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158. Can I get a "Dynamite,
Dynamite"?
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159. Dynamite... Wait, what?
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160. And hoes, hah,
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161. stop dragging your funky, ha
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162. moose knuckles
up and down the street, ha
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163. every night, ha,
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164. only to give all your money away
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165. to these pimps of sin, ha ha ha!
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166. And if you're gonna sell
your pussy, ha ha,
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167. sell that pussy for God.
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168. If you're gonna pimp
that pussy, ha,
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169. pimp that pussy, ha
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170. for the lord!
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171. You think that pussy belongs
to you, ha!
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172. That is God's pussy
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173. He created it, didn't he?
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174. Can I get a "Dynamite,
Dynamite"?
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175. Whoo! Dynamite.
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176. So I say to you all!
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177. Bitch, ha...
Bitch, ha-ha...
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178. Bitch, ha-ha,
y'all better have...
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179. y'all better have, aha..
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180. Go-o-o-o-od's money!
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181. Can I get a "dynamite"?
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182. What the hell is going on?
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183. Why you doing this,
Daddy Dynamite? Why?
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184. Why? Why?
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185. Listen and learn,
Black Dynamite,
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186. because that God
who art in heaven
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187. is a straight-up pimp.
Dynamite, Dynamite!
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188. That's right. Bring your money
to me... Daddy D.
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189. The only way to heaven is
through my pockets, baby.
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190. Dynamite, Dynamite.
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191. Now everybody gimme that
money-y-y-y!
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192. Oooooh!
Take this pussy now, lord,
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193. and fill it with your
holy spirit.
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194. Y-Your life meant
everything to me, dad.
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195. A-A-A-A-nd I'm gonna pick up
where you left off.
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196. But there's just one thing
I got to do first.
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197. And that's teach
B-B-B-B-Black Dynamite
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198. that puppet blood ain't cheap.
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199. Ribbit, motherfucker!
Ribbit!
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200. Ribbit, motherfucker. Ribbit!
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201. There he is, my son.
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202. Look here, Black Dynamite...
Dynamite!
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203. I'm thinking about moving
them whorephans/orphans,
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204. or whatever you call them
to the basement
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205. and turning their bedroom into
a gambling den for the lord.
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206. What do you say, son?
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207. Look here, Daddy,
I'm not gonna stand here
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208. and let you take advantage
of my community's sins.
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209. Now enough is enough.
- Hold on a second, son.
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210. Will you hoes please excuse us?
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211. Ooh, praise God.
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212. Uh, yeah, your daddy was just
giving them some anointing.
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213. Cut the bullshit, Daddy.
You're robbing the people.
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214. Now, Black Dynamite don't believe
in fuckin' up his own daddy,
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215. but I'm about to anoint my foot
in your ass, can you dig it?
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216. What the devil has gotten
into you, boy?
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217. I don't know who's been
raising you,
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218. but it damn sure ain't been me.
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219. Now you will show me
and the lord some respect.
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220. Son, I might be making
a dishonest living,
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221. but at least
I'm doing it honestly.
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222. Now, when these motherfuckers
stop giving me
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223. all their money and pussy,
I'll stop taking it.
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224. Now, you're the one
who wanted me to stay.
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225. That's because I wanted you
back in my life, Daddy.
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226. But I guess nostalgia
ain't what it used to be.
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227. You don't know
what it's like to grow up
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228. with nobody to teach you
how not to pee in the bed
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229. or how to make green
from yellow and blue.
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230. Is that how they make it?
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231. Well shit, I couldn't have
taught you that anyway.
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232. - That's not the point.
- Look, all I hear from you...
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233. is what you didn't have
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234. 'cause your daddy
wasn't there to raise you.
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235. What about how dynamite
you turned out
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236. because I didn't raise you?
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237. I think it's
time for you to go, Daddy.
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238. - I beg your pardon?
- You heard me! I said scram.
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239. Split the scene, my daddy.
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240. Your daddy walking out on you
made you the man you are today,
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241. and this is the thanks I get.
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242. Now, I could lie to you
and say...
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243. Daddy!
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244. Bye, bitch.
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245. Excuse me,
B-Brother Daddy Dynamite.
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246. Daddy Dynamite is no brethren
to no puppets.
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247. Now, who the hell are you?
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248. Allow me to introduce myself.
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249. I am Brother Minister
That Bastard Kurtis,
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250. son of the late
That Frog Kurtis.
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251. And I must say that I was
truly touched
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252. by your message the other night.
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253. Su-su-su-su-such a powerful
word, my brother.
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254. - You really think so?
- Oh, yes.
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255. You see, brother,
I'm a minister, too.
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256. I run a very successful temple
spreading
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257. bean pies and incense all over
Pu-pu-pu-puppet Street.
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258. So I can respect a man that's
out there getting God's money.
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259. Yeah, well, I thought that
was the way to go, too.
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260. But apparently I can't even make
a believer out of my own son.
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261. You and I have a lot in common,
Brother Daddy Dynamite.
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262. We should go for a ride.
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263. You see, people are like diapers.
They're like diapers, yes.
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264. Hard to change
and fu-full of shit.
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265. Bu-Bu-Bu-But puppets,
on the other hand,
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266. are full of cotton.
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267. Once your hand goes up they ass,
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268. you can make them
believe anything.
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269. I-I-I-I believe puppets need
a master,
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270. a-a-a-a somebody to control
the strings of their lives.
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271. And if that don't float
the shit in your toilet,
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272. they got a whole lot of money,
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273. Br-Br-Br-Brother Daddy Dynamite.
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274. Well, Brother
That Bastard Kurtis,
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275. if you possess so much
profound insight,
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276. why don't you reach
these puppets
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277. and get their money yourself?
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278. Do you hear this fuckin'
st-stutter?
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279. Nobody will listen to a-a-a-a
stuttering frog puppet,
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280. Daddy Dynamite.
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281. But you got that gift
and that gab,
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282. just like my daddy had.
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283. Now, I got a st-st-studio
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284. where my daddy used to shoot
his puppet shows at.
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285. I want to bring it back
so we can do
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286. the first human puppet show
ever on TV.
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287. With your message and my show,
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288. you can be the biggest
TV puppet evangelist
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289. in the w-w-w-world!
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290. Brother Reverend Daddy Dynamite
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291. and Brother Minister
That Bastard Kurtis.
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292. Sounds like a match made
in heaven, right here on Earth.
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293. Like Martin and Malcolm.
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294. Now, what do you say
we start promoting
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295. our new show, D-D-D-Daddy?
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296. You don't mind if I call you
"D-D-D-D-D-Daddy," right?
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297. Well, nobody ever called me
"D-D-D-D-D-Daddy" before.
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298. But I guess I could get
used to it.
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299. - Bean pie, my daddy?
- Don't mind if I do, son.
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300. Wait, what?
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301. "Daddy Dynamite and Brother
That Bastard Kurtis."
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302. Hmm.
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303. I don't know about this, man.
We fuckin' with Black Dynamite.
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304. You know what? You acting like
a little bitch right about now.
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305. Now, we gonna roll up
in the rink,
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306. find these little marks,
and smoke them.
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307. Awwwww shit, hey!
That's my song!
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308. I'm about to shake what
my mama gave me and boogie.
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309. Man, what I wouldn't give
to have a normal daddy
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310. under some normal circumstances.
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311. At least you had a daddy
to leave you when you was 8.
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312. My daddy was a test tube.
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313. Cream Corn, this moment is about
Black Dynamite's father issues.
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314. Now, you gonna have to save that
test-tube-daddy B-story
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315. for another day, you dig?
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316. Sorry, Black Dynamite.
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317. Here's the get-back, bitch.
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318. Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
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319. Now, tell me
who sent you puppet fuckers
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320. and why are you here?
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321. Brother Minister
That Bastard Kurtis is
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322. a very hateful puppet,
Black Dynamite.
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323. He set this whole thing up.
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324. He brought your daddy back
into your life
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325. just to tear him away from you.
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326. But your daddy is in trouble.
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327. Honey Bee, Cream Corn, Bullhorn!
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328. I need you to round up
these orphans
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329. and get these wheels off them
quick, fast, and in a hurry.
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330. My daddy's in trouble,
and he needs me.
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331. Black Dynamite. Black Dynamite!
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332. Black Dynamite, you ain't shit.
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333. As you all know, I am
the Brother Minister
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334. That Bastard Kurtis,
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335. and I want to thank you all
for coming out
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336. to the all-new God's Dynamite
Puppet Show-w-w-w!
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337. Suey!
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338. Uh, can I help you puppets?
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339. Daddy, it's me, your son.
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340. Now, hold on, puppet.
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341. Daddy Dynamite has bumped
a whole lot of uglies in his day,
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342. but I know for a fact I ain't
never laid no pipe
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343. in no puppet poontang.
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344. No, it's me, Black Dynamite.
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345. Boy, what the hell are you doing
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346. disguised in a damn
puppet costume,
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347. looking like a damn puppet?
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348. Well, that's why it's called a dis...
Look, Daddy...
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349. there's something you need to know
about this That Bastard Kurtis.
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350. He can't be trusted.
He's trying to kill you.
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351. Impossible...
That Bastard Kurtis has been
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352. more of a son
in these last few days
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353. then you've been your whole
life, Black Dynamite.
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354. That's because you walked out
on me when I was 8.
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355. Oh, yeah.
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356. N-Now it is time, brothers and s-s-sisters,
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357. to give a warm welcome
to Reverend Bro-Brother
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358. Daddy D-D-D-D-D-D-D-Dynamite!
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359. Well, that's me.
Maybe I should scram.
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360. - But Daddy...
- Bye, bitch.
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361. Brother That Bastard Kurtis...
Kurtises?
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362. Look at your face,
Black Dynamite.
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363. What... what you thought I was
the only one, Black Dynamite?
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364. Oh, yeah, I was the only seed,
Black Dynamite? Huh?
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365. These brothers here are
my F.O.I. Brothers...
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366. The Frogs of Incense.
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367. Ribbit, motherfucker. Ribbit.
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368. And by "brothers” I mean
biological, not Black.
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369. Cut the toad shit,
That Bastard Kurtis.
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370. You and I both know what
this is about.
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371. That's right.
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372. Can I get a "Dynamite,
Dynamite"?
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373. Now, next time I ain't gonna
use no gun, 'cause us Kurtises
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374. are packing in more than just
one place, brother.
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375. You ever been smacked
across your face
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376. by 50 fuckin' frog
d-d-d-d-dicks? Huh?
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377. Huh?
Huh?
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378. I have. It ain't a good look,
Black Dynamite.
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379. Don't flinch. It ain't coming yet.
The shit ain't coming yet.
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380. When it's coming,
I'll let you know,
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381. and I'm not coming at you
from one side.
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382. I'm coming at you from both
sides, from up, from under.
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383. You ever have your face
uppercutted by a... a frog dick?
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384. You try to rope-a-dope like Ali,
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385. but it's... it's too many dicks!
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386. You motherfucker brother
Black Dynamite.
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387. Kill they assess!
P-P-P-P-P-Please! Please!
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388. Shoot his ass!
Everybody shoot!
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389. Everybody shoot!
Yeah! Yeah! F.O.I., baby!
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390. You mean to tell me
n-n-n-n-none of y'all motherfuckers
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391. know how to shoot a gun?
Huh?
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392. Are you kidding me right now?
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393. I'm try... I'm trying not
to get upset.
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394. Ahhh suey!
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395. Bitch, a-ha! Bitch, ha-ha!
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396. Bitch, a-ha!
Oh, lord, bitch, ha!
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397. Suey!
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398. You killed my fucking daddy.
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399. You ripped my daddy in pieces,
motherfucker!
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400. I'ma Kill your ass right now.
You dead, motherfucker!
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401. Now everybody, gimme that moneeyyyy!
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402. Bitch, ah! Bitch, a-ha!
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403. Aaaah!
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404. Like my daddy used to say,
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405. "R-R-Ribbit, motherfucker!
R-R-Ribbit!
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406. Aaaaah!
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407. And like my daddy used to say,
"dig it while you can,
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408. 'cause the light just
turned motherfuckin' green.
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409. Bye, bitch!"
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410. Ahhhhhhhh!
- Dynamite!
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411. The buck stops here, son.
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412. Don't you see he's got
tadpoles in his shoes?
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413. You kill him and this shit
will never stop.
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414. In 13 weeks, we will
have another
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415. little angry frog puppet
seeking revenge.
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416. Look, your daddy's
messed up, son.
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417. And if I wouldn't have left you,
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418. this frog's daddy wouldn't
have raised you
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419. to be the man you are today.
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420. You'd probably be out there
polluting and not giving a hoot,
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421. not preventing forest fires.
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422. And who knows what colors
you would have been
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423. trying to mix together
to get green.
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424. And even though leaving you
made you a better man,
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425. it doesn't make it right.
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426. I'm sorry, son.
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427. And I'm sorry I killed
your daddy on national TV,
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428. That Bastard Kurtis.
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429. But he was destroying the minds
of the children.
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430. Fuck the minds of the children.
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431. He was slapping people
in the face with frog dicks.
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432. I know, Brother
Black Dynamite, I know.
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433. Well, he's gone now.
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434. So maybe you and I can
share your daddy.
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435. He can be like both ours, but we
can keep him at my house.
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436. But he still both our daddys.
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437. You two are grown men
and frogs now.
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438. You don't need a daddy like me
in your life no more.
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439. Besides, you got your own
dad dying to do.
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440. And do me a favor...
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441. If you ever feel like walking
out on your kids,
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442. just go get a pack
of cigarettes instead.
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443. Well, I know this ain't the storybook
way to end the scene,
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444. but once again it seems like
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445. we done left
the motherfucking orphans.
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446. Whoo!
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