1. Everyone, listen up.
Listen up, guys!Copy !req
2. Guys, hold on one second, I just wanna
thank you guys all for coming.Copy !req
3. And thank you to my dawg,
Charles Lu,Copy !req
4. for throwing the best bachelor party
a 13-year-old child could ask for.Copy !req
5. - Dude.
- Man of few words.Copy !req
6. Man of one word, to be exact.Copy !req
7. Devon, quick question,
is this wedding for real?Copy !req
8. Like, do you actually think
you're gonna be with DevinCopy !req
9. for, like, the rest of your life?Copy !req
10. Well, yeah, she's the hottest girl
in seventh grade,Copy !req
11. - and that'll never change.
- Uh, peace and love, Devon,Copy !req
12. but I do think Gina might be
the hottest girl in the grade.Copy !req
13. Listen, listen. Gina's hot, sure,
she's probably my number two.Copy !req
14. All right, bachelor party talk,
the bach boys.Copy !req
15. Okay. Now this is interesting.Copy !req
16. Let's all rank our top three.Copy !req
17. Yes! Top three guys and girls.Copy !req
18. - What?
- What? No, just girls.Copy !req
19. Girls are for fucking.
Guys are for, you know, like, hugging?Copy !req
20. Okay, top three girls,Copy !req
21. but in what category?Copy !req
22. - 'Cause if we're talkin' boobs...
- Ooh, we always are.Copy !req
23. Well, then, Gina's my gal, but
if we're talking cutest metallic smile...Copy !req
24. - We always aren't.
- ... then Missy wins the day.Copy !req
25. Ooh, rankin' the girls
makes us feel powerful,Copy !req
26. like a Buzzfeed freelancer.Copy !req
27. Yeah. This is gonna be fun.
Nothing bad could come of this.Copy !req
28. Ooh, guys,
my special surprise has arrived.Copy !req
29. Devon, I got you a motherfuckin' stripper!Copy !req
30. Jay, Jay, Jay...
Why is nobody cheering with me?Copy !req
31. The fuck? She told me she was a dancer.Copy !req
32. Uhhh...Copy !req
33. Oh, boy, I get it now.Copy !req
34. Jesus, Jay, she's a child.Copy !req
35. Well, what do you want,
some saggy-ass 20-year-old?Copy !req
36. Sweetheart, how old are you? Oh, my God.Copy !req
37. That's all of her fingers,
Jay, she's eight.Copy !req
38. Ooh, look at Devin's hair,Copy !req
39. the shine, the swing factor.Copy !req
40. Oh, yeah, she is number one for hair.Copy !req
41. I'd like to cut it off
and stick it down my pants.Copy !req
42. Ooh... Andrew, and I can deal with this
if the answer is yes,Copy !req
43. are you the Ponytail Killer?Copy !req
44. Okay, everybody, I'd like to introduce you
to our new student, Ali.Copy !req
45. She just transferred
from Our Lady in the Water.Copy !req
46. Ooh, oversized funky glasses.Copy !req
47. - She's makin' the eyewear list.
- I bet she's into foreign films,Copy !req
48. like 500 Days of Summer.Copy !req
49. Ali, why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself?Copy !req
50. Okay, um, I play soccer, I'm a Ravenclaw,Copy !req
51. and not to make all you normies shit
your Old Navy undies,Copy !req
52. but I am pansexual.Copy !req
53. - Holy shit. Jinx.Copy !req
54. Robert Durst, killed 'em all, of course.Copy !req
55. Okay, Aiden says she got
kicked out of their schoolCopy !req
56. because she made out with a nun.Copy !req
57. Uh, hi, Nick Birch, Gryffindor.Copy !req
58. The pansexual thing sounds intriguing.
Could you speak to that some more?Copy !req
59. I'm not sure I'm ready to unravel
all of this in my classroom—Copy !req
60. Pansexual means I'm into boys,
girls, and everyone in between.Copy !req
61. I thought that was bisexual?Copy !req
62. No, bisexuality is so binary.Copy !req
63. It's pronounced bonery.Copy !req
64. - Mmm, not so sure about that.
- You know,Copy !req
65. like when I see those ads
for real estate couples on benches,Copy !req
66. it makes me real bonery in my pants.Copy !req
67. Ugh, no. Being pansexual meansCopy !req
68. my sexual preference isn't limited
by gender identity.Copy !req
69. And gender is, like, male or female,
right, and it's a choice, no?Copy !req
70. Uh, how do people talk these days?Copy !req
71. Oh, my God, okay, it's, like,
some of you borings like tacosCopy !req
72. and some of you like burritos,
and if you're bisexual,Copy !req
73. you like tacos and burritos.Copy !req
74. Oh, my God, I'm fucking hungry now.Copy !req
75. But I'm saying I like tacos and burritos,Copy !req
76. and I could be into a taco
that was born a burrito, sure,Copy !req
77. okay, or a burrito that's transitioning
into a taco, comprende?Copy !req
78. - Okay.
- And honey, anything elseCopy !req
79. on the fucking menu.Copy !req
80. I was really just looking for
a quick, curse-free intro here.Copy !req
81. I gotta update my list.
Ali is muy interesante.Copy !req
82. Pardon me, dummies,
but what list are you referring to?Copy !req
83. We made lists of the hottest girls
at Devon's bachelor party.Copy !req
84. Ugh, come on. Gross.Copy !req
85. It was a bachelor party, NBD,
no big deal, boys will be boys.Copy !req
86. - There was a child stripper.
- Ew.Copy !req
87. So, one thing cool about Ali is,
uh, she likes guys and girls.Copy !req
88. Yeah, she's double horny.Copy !req
89. Ali's just cool, you know,Copy !req
90. there's just something, like,
cool about her, I don't know—Copy !req
91. I don't know what it is,
she's just cool.Copy !req
92. Cool, cool, cool, okay.
So you guys think it's coolCopy !req
93. that she's into, uh, girls and guys?Copy !req
94. - A hundred percent.
- Fuck, yeah.Copy !req
95. - Yes, hell, yes.Copy !req
96. Why is that so hot?Copy !req
97. I'll give you two words. Three... somes.Copy !req
98. I see, two girls and me.Copy !req
99. Yeah, I know just how that would go down.Copy !req
100. Hey, Andrew. I invited my friend,
Leah's Friend, over to join us.Copy !req
101. The one from the Instagram post
at the beach?Copy !req
102. Yeah, where you zoomed in on her boobs
but you didn't even look at her face.Copy !req
103. You can tell when I zoom?Copy !req
104. - Yeah, but we liked it.
- Mm, mm, mm.Copy !req
105. Is it okay if we French kiss
in front of you?Copy !req
106. Leah, Leah's Friend,
that sounds mighty fine.Copy !req
107. Oh, yeah. Lick her blank face.Copy !req
108. Do you wanna join us?Copy !req
109. I thought you'd never ask.Copy !req
110. Aah! Oh, no, holding—
Already out, it's already out.Copy !req
111. Do you think they came too?Copy !req
112. Andrew, I really, really do.Copy !req
113. So, Andrew...Copy !req
114. tell me more about these fun lists
you guys made at the bachelor party?Copy !req
115. Oh, they're not fun.
There's so many variables.Copy !req
116. Like, what's most important?Copy !req
117. A hefty bosom
or a perfectly centered belly button?Copy !req
118. Yeah. Oh, it does sound hard.Copy !req
119. White men, the hardest time.
Tell me about the other guys' lists.Copy !req
120. Oh, uh, I don't think that's my place.Copy !req
121. The boy's weak. Use your wiles.Copy !req
122. You know, Andrew,
I bet if you named names,Copy !req
123. you'd get some real, um,
currency with the girls, you know.Copy !req
124. - No, no, I can't betray my—
- You could be a real allyCopy !req
125. to all the women in our grade, you know,Copy !req
126. - like, a sexy friend.
- Hand on arm...Copy !req
127. List number one.Copy !req
128. Nick Birch. In order, Gina,
Mila-slash-Lotte...Copy !req
129. - Ew.
- ... and Devin.Copy !req
130. Mila-slash-Lotte, really?Copy !req
131. Well, to be fair, he hasn't factored
in Ali yet. So, anyone's ball game.Copy !req
132. What about you?Copy !req
133. So, like, am I on anyone's list?Copy !req
134. Don't care if I am or I'm not,
just wanna know for the record.Copy !req
135. - Nope, you didn't make anyone's.
- Mm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.Copy !req
136. - But that's a good thing, right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
137. 'Cause these lists ain't woke,
they're gross.Copy !req
138. Yep, totally, bleugh.Copy !req
139. - But you still wanna be on 'em.
- I know, why is that?Copy !req
140. - It's like Schindler's List.
- How so?Copy !req
141. You wish there didn't have to be a list,
but if there's gonna be one,Copy !req
142. you wanna be on that motherfuckin' list.Copy !req
143. The child wedding of the century
has a new twist.Copy !req
144. At Devon's bachelor party,
the boys all made listsCopy !req
145. of the hottest girls in the grade,
and the girls are fucking pissed.Copy !req
146. These lists are so not cool,
and I'm sick of the boys objectifying us.Copy !req
147. Yeah, I feel like a dirty piece of meat.Copy !req
148. Like a slab of prime rib
that knows what's what.Copy !req
149. I should be the only one on Devon's list,Copy !req
150. and it makes me feel like he is
not mature enough to get child married.Copy !req
151. Oh, I'm so screwed.Copy !req
152. - Who fucking snitched?
- Yeah!Copy !req
153. Who told Jessi this morning
who then told MatthewCopy !req
154. who, let's change the subject,
is doing some solid reporting.Copy !req
155. Nick Birch has Mila-slash-Lotte
in his number two spot.Copy !req
156. - Oh, dear Lord.
- Two girls, one schmuck.Copy !req
157. I am sorry, guys, that is messed up.Copy !req
158. Eh, we understand,
this is only the opinion of one small boy.Copy !req
159. We are confident in our individualism.Copy !req
160. I agree with the hot Janssen.Copy !req
161. Hold the donkey, Lotte is the hot one?Copy !req
162. Yeah, Lump likey.Copy !req
163. This is exactly the kind of thing
that could tear our grade asunder.Copy !req
164. Missy, I want you to knowCopy !req
165. - I would never make a list like that.Copy !req
166. How will the girls respond?Copy !req
167. Let's turn to the new girl,
with a final thought.Copy !req
168. You know, I— I thought this school
was so basic, but a weird kid wedding,Copy !req
169. rankings, and you get to swear
on an in-school TV show...Copy !req
170. This place is fucking awesome,
you cocksucking pussy lickers!Copy !req
171. Welcome to Devin's bachelorette party.Copy !req
172. - Wow, Mila, you look—
- Like a sexy Lego woman. Love the bangs.Copy !req
173. Just, you know,
trying something different.Copy !req
174. Yeah, okay, bitch.Copy !req
175. You guys, it's time to play
Pin the Lenny on the Kravitz.Copy !req
176. I'm sorry, what?Copy !req
177. Devin, you get to go first,
but don't lick it,Copy !req
178. it just tastes like paper.Copy !req
179. How can I play a game?
I'm too upset about Devon's list.Copy !req
180. If you're so pissed,
why don't you make your own?Copy !req
181. Oh, my God, everyone,
I just had the best idea.Copy !req
182. What if we made our own lists
ranking the boys?Copy !req
183. - Oh, my God, I'm so in.
- Fuck it, me too.Copy !req
184. I just got Uma Thurman bangs, you guys.
It's not, like, a big deal, everyone.Copy !req
185. You got bangs.Copy !req
186. - Hey, Duke.
- Fifty Shades of Jay! What's up?Copy !req
187. Well, there's this new girl at school,
and everyone thinks it's so coolCopy !req
188. - that she likes boy holes and girl holes.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
189. And I'm thinkin' maybe it's time for me
to tell everyone that I'm bisexual.Copy !req
190. Oh, I don't know, maybe
you should keep it to yourself,Copy !req
191. like my dear friends...Copy !req
192. - Ho-ho-ho!
- Holy shit, gotta love it.Copy !req
193. They are full-on devouring each other.Copy !req
194. I'm gonna give you a blow job
you can't refuse.Copy !req
195. Shit, motherfucker, goddamn,
put some coke on it, then.Copy !req
196. Richard! Richard!Copy !req
197. - Okay, I'm gonna send 'em back.
- No, no, no, no, no! Aww, come on.Copy !req
198. But you know something?Copy !req
199. Watching 'em yin-yang each other's
wing-wangs makes me thinkCopy !req
200. they might've liked to have done it openly
while they were alive.Copy !req
201. Yeah. I wanna suck dick while I'm alive,
like, at halftime, at a basketball game,Copy !req
202. while I'm sinking the shot
to win a Kia Sorento.Copy !req
203. Ha-ha! Me too.Copy !req
204. I don't know who to put on my list.Copy !req
205. The boys at school are so lame.Copy !req
206. Ooh, you know who's not lame?Copy !req
207. - Who?
- Judd.Copy !req
208. Stop, he's Nick's brother
and he's a legit maniac.Copy !req
209. A maniac that turns your undies
into a Slip 'N Slide.Copy !req
210. Ugh.Copy !req
211. I'm a little worried
because the boys' lists made us feel badCopy !req
212. and now we're doing the same thing.Copy !req
213. Oh, shut up, Missy,
we'll learn our lesson later.Copy !req
214. I've got my list!Copy !req
215. Charles Lu, like a fart,
silent but deadly, Mr. Lizer—Copy !req
216. - Ew, he's a teacher.
- Yeah,Copy !req
217. a hot teacher with an ass
made for Lee jeans.Copy !req
218. - Oh, wow.
- And, lastly but not leastly, Nick Birch.Copy !req
219. - Really?
- I like a little rascal I can bat around.Copy !req
220. Okay, I'm ready too.
Mila Janssen, love the hair.Copy !req
221. This is a comedy joke.Copy !req
222. - Then, Matthew.
- Uh, Matthew's gay.Copy !req
223. So what? He's obviously
the hottest guy in the grade.Copy !req
224. - Uh, it's true, you're right.
- And finally...Copy !req
225. Lola.Copy !req
226. Wait, what?Copy !req
227. What? Lola? You're into this mess?Copy !req
228. I know, there's just something about her.Copy !req
229. She's like a sexy refrigerator,
and I wanna know what's inside.Copy !req
230. Cat medicine and a white onion,
sweetheart.Copy !req
231. - Okay, this is ridiculous.Copy !req
232. Oh, my God, you guys, I almost forgot,
because of my acne medication.Copy !req
233. I got us a dank-ass stripper!Copy !req
234. - Oh.
- Lola, that is so inappro—Copy !req
235. Eww! Coach Steve,
you're not an erotic dancer.Copy !req
236. What? No, the agency told me
they wanted an aerobic hamster. So...Copy !req
237. - Go on!Copy !req
238. Let me see that tail.Copy !req
239. - Be careful.
- Drink from the water thingy.Copy !req
240. Okay. How do I stop? Whoa!Copy !req
241. Now, show us your dick.Copy !req
242. Breaking news.
The child wedding is on life support.Copy !req
243. The reason? List fever,
and it's contagious.Copy !req
244. With me now is our statistician Caleb
to break down the rankings.Copy !req
245. What up, fam? It's your boy, Caleb,
I'm reading cue cards.Copy !req
246. The number one ranked boy is Devon
and the number one girl is Ali.Copy !req
247. Holy shit, the pansexual girl is
number one? This is happening.Copy !req
248. Let's chart Ali's
meteoric rise to the top,Copy !req
249. and you can all follow along at home
with our downloadable app.Copy !req
250. I went to coding camp last summer.Copy !req
251. - Whoa, Jessi, you low.Copy !req
252. Quick, stuff your bra with bacon.
Boys love bacon.Copy !req
253. No! Fuck that. I don't even care
what these losers think.Copy !req
254. Oh, my God, I'm number seven.Copy !req
255. And I'm number 14?Copy !req
256. Up is down, left is right!Copy !req
257. - How does it feel, you little prick?
- Excuse me?Copy !req
258. I'm sorry. Number seven
went straight to my head.Copy !req
259. You couldn't get laid in a fuck dungeon,
you fourteen motherfucker.Copy !req
260. I'm not even on Ali's list.Copy !req
261. Oh, that's okay, Fourteen,
you're third on Gina's.Copy !req
262. Really? I guess
I'm back in the mix with Gina.Copy !req
263. - You're also number three on Lola's list.
- Yeah, this Gina situation's interesting.Copy !req
264. Wait, babe, I can't—
I can't find you on the list.Copy !req
265. - I'm number 13.
- What?Copy !req
266. You have to... scroll down.Copy !req
267. Hey, Lump, bro, uh,
why didn't you put Devin on your list?Copy !req
268. - She just doesn't do it for me.
- What? What does that mean?Copy !req
269. - Sorry I'm not into your wife.
- Hey man, we're not married yet.Copy !req
270. So, I see that Charles Lu is
your number one.Copy !req
271. - Yeah.
- Interesting.Copy !req
272. He's a great athlete and he's super nice.Copy !req
273. Nice? How can we know? He barely speaks.Copy !req
274. What do you care, anyway?
Ali's your number one.Copy !req
275. Oh. So, you looked at my list?Copy !req
276. - Interesting.
- I might've glanced.Copy !req
277. Well, you might be intrigued to see
who's gonna be at the top of my listCopy !req
278. as soon as I get somewhere with Wi-Fi.Copy !req
279. Is that so?Copy !req
280. That's right,
I'm going to the Holiday Inn at lunch.Copy !req
281. - Wow.
- And that meansCopy !req
282. I'm walkin' on the highway, baby.Copy !req
283. - I'm gonna be scared as shit.
- Okay.Copy !req
284. And that's how the algorithm works.Copy !req
285. Caleb, you have a beautiful mind.Copy !req
286. Breaking news!Copy !req
287. I have a sick-ass announcement.Copy !req
288. - Jay. This is a closed set.
- I jack down to girls and boys.Copy !req
289. I, Jay Bilzerian...Copy !req
290. am bisexual!Copy !req
291. Here you go, Matthew,
my new official fuck list.Copy !req
292. - Uh, Ali.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
293. - Gina.
- Boobs.Copy !req
294. - And Charles Lu.
- I'm sorry to throw everything into chaos,Copy !req
295. but everybody can start
adjusting your lists now,Copy !req
296. because I wanna fuck everyone.Copy !req
297. We have got to put a delay
on these broadcasts.Copy !req
298. Well, that was fun, that was good today.Copy !req
299. I don't know if you heard
any of what I just said,Copy !req
300. but, uh, pretty sweet I'm bi, huh?Copy !req
301. Oh, honey, you can just say you're a top,
you don't have to say you're bi.Copy !req
302. - What?
- Hm, how do I say this?Copy !req
303. Usually, when a guy comes out as bi,
he's just making a rest stopCopy !req
304. - on his way to Gay Town.
- Gay Town sounds fun,Copy !req
305. but I have thought a lot about it,
and I belong in Biami.Copy !req
306. - Biami is not a real place.
- See, Caleb gets it.Copy !req
307. Hey, hey! So?Copy !req
308. - What?
- What about my big news?Copy !req
309. Oh, that you're bi? Yeah, we just assumed
that was a ploy for attention.Copy !req
310. What? No way!Copy !req
311. Seriously, guys, I'm bisexual.Copy !req
312. - Oh, okay.
- Good for you.Copy !req
313. - Congratulations.
- More like conflatulations.Copy !req
314. - Mazel-toot.Copy !req
315. Yeah, we're, we're
pretty uncomfortable with this.Copy !req
316. No judgment, bi's— bi's weird.Copy !req
317. You guys suck. When you heard
that Ali was into guys and girls,Copy !req
318. you thought it was so cool.Copy !req
319. Because in her case, it is.Copy !req
320. I mean, Ali has
very smooth, porcelain skin.Copy !req
321. - She's number one on my skin list.
- Okay, easy, Hannibal Lecter.Copy !req
322. I wish you could take skin off a person
but they'd still be alive.Copy !req
323. I guess what Andrew's trying to say isCopy !req
324. bisexuality just feels different
for boys than girls.Copy !req
325. Well, that's totally fucked!Copy !req
326. Yeah, man, you're right,
it's a double standard.Copy !req
327. But standing here with you half-naked,
ah, I'm a little uncomfortable.Copy !req
328. Uh, Andrew you just exposed
your full dick.Copy !req
329. - Oh, good Lord.
- So... are you, like, into either of us?Copy !req
330. What? Eww, no, not you.Copy !req
331. Mayb, Andrew, I don't know.Copy !req
332. You'd rather hook up with him?Copy !req
333. Oh, Nick, you cannot catch a break.Copy !req
334. I don't wanna hook up
with either of you ass potatoes.Copy !req
335. You're not even on my list.Copy !req
336. My number one guy is Charles Lu.Copy !req
337. - Sorry dude, I'm straight.
- Oh, now you have something to say.Copy !req
338. You guys can all suck my dick,Copy !req
339. but not in the way I'd like!Copy !req
340. - How do you like it?
- Like... Like... Like...Copy !req
341. like everybody likes their dick sucked,
with teeth.Copy !req
342. Oh, this is impossible.Copy !req
343. See, I like Devin's hair
and Ali's glasses,Copy !req
344. but I like Gina's boobs
and Lola's relentless front rubbing.Copy !req
345. But— but— how can I make just one list?Copy !req
346. - Andrew, I've done it.
- Ah! Frightening.Copy !req
347. - Done what?
- Peegor!Copy !req
348. - Remove the cover.
- Yes, monster.Copy !req
349. It's alive! It's alive!Copy !req
350. What the hell is that?Copy !req
351. It's your perfect woman.Copy !req
352. Good God, Maury,
have you no respect for nature?Copy !req
353. Her face is tits.Copy !req
354. Gina's tits.Copy !req
355. - I've truly thought of everything.Copy !req
356. Well, I hate it.
It's disgusting. It's blasphemous.Copy !req
357. But she's got all the parts you love.Copy !req
358. Missy's smile, Diane's hands,
and her vagina, it's Leah's butt.Copy !req
359. - I also gave her two cup holders.Copy !req
360. Ooh, look, she's really taken to Peegor.Copy !req
361. Oh, Jesus Christ, fuck.Copy !req
362. No! Peegor! I mourn you.Copy !req
363. But, truthfully,
he was not a very good assistant.Copy !req
364. Just write stuff down, you know?Copy !req
365. I can't believe I'm ranked so low.Copy !req
366. You're below Lola Skumpy?
This is bullshit.Copy !req
367. Wait, what the hell?Copy !req
368. Gina took me off her list completely?Copy !req
369. What the fuck is goin' on?Copy !req
370. - It's these goddamn lists.
- Damn right.Copy !req
371. - They're making everybody feel shitty.
- Darn tootin'.Copy !req
372. - Why don't any of the boys like me?
- How come none of the girls like me?Copy !req
373. I don't get it, you're great.Copy !req
374. I think so.Copy !req
375. I mean...Copy !req
376. - Someday? Who cares?
- How does that help me now?Copy !req
377. Why?Copy !req
378. Here we are
at Nick's house, Lola,Copy !req
379. and it's a beautiful day
for two minors in major love.Copy !req
380. But this fairy-tale wedding
may be turning into a nightmare.Copy !req
381. I hope.Copy !req
382. And speaking of drama,
here come the Janssen twins,Copy !req
383. who are on the outs.Copy !req
384. You stolen my hairstyle, you copy cow.Copy !req
385. And here comes Ali,
the official hottest girl in our grade.Copy !req
386. Hey, Ali, I saved you a seat,
it's right here. Hey, guys, I said it.Copy !req
387. I wouldn't sit on your face
if I had hemorrhoidsCopy !req
388. - and your nose was a suppository.
- What?Copy !req
389. What are you talking about?Copy !req
390. Must be nice to be Ali,
everybody's on her dick.Copy !req
391. Forget all these dumb middle-school boys.Copy !req
392. Why don't you go talk
to a high-school man?Copy !req
393. Whew. Okay.Copy !req
394. Hey, Judd.Copy !req
395. - Hey, Nick's friend Jessi.
- What's the haps, Mr., uh... Mr. Guy?Copy !req
396. - Hm.
- Quick, Jessi, say more stuff.Copy !req
397. I won't be ignored, I am a dangerous lady.Copy !req
398. - See you later.
- What? Why are you being so weird?Copy !req
399. - I'm not being weird.
- Ow. No one saw that. Fuck you.Copy !req
400. Mmm, Judd smelled like wood chips
and cigarettes.Copy !req
401. Hmm, I wanna eat his T-shirt.Copy !req
402. Oh, shit.Copy !req
403. What is that thing doing here?Copy !req
404. - Oh, she loves you, Andrew.
- No, no, down, down.Copy !req
405. Oh, and she's got Lola's zest for humping.Copy !req
406. Down! Make it stop, Maury.Copy !req
407. "It"? She's got a name, you know.
And it's Krewkie.Copy !req
408. - Krewkie!
- Yeah, the name doesn't help.Copy !req
409. Either that or she wants Krewkie,
I don't know.Copy !req
410. Hey, man, everybody's, uh,
kind of waiting on you.Copy !req
411. Dude, I am freaking the fuck out. I don't
know if I can go through with this.Copy !req
412. Well, that makes a huge amount of sense
considering you're a child, right?Copy !req
413. I'm the number one boy in the grade. Swag.Copy !req
414. And Devin is number 13? Not swag.Copy !req
415. Oh, that's what's troubling you.Copy !req
416. Bro, what am I missing with this girl?Copy !req
417. Okay, well, Devin...
Devin's kind of, uh—Copy !req
418. Come on, Nick, just be real with me.Copy !req
419. Kind of a... a bitch.Copy !req
420. What? Everyone knows she's a bitch?Copy !req
421. - Total B.
- I thought only I knew.Copy !req
422. - You know too? Wait, what?
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
423. And we're back, it's 20 minutes past
call time and still no sign of the groom.Copy !req
424. Lola, what's the scoop?Copy !req
425. - Oh, my God, that's bullshit.Copy !req
426. If you don't give me
another pig in a blanket,Copy !req
427. you're gonna be a raccoon in a coffin.Copy !req
428. Okay, she's terrifying.Copy !req
429. Let's check in with my plus one.Copy !req
430. - Aiden, how do I look on camera?
- You look hot.Copy !req
431. - Oh, thank you, Aiden.
- You're the Oprah to my Gayle.Copy !req
432. I don't like Aiden.Copy !req
433. - Hey.
- You got a lot of nerve showing up hereCopy !req
434. after you come to our school
and ruin everythingCopy !req
435. with your pansexuality
and your smooth skinCopy !req
436. and your sexy glasses,Copy !req
437. and I wasn't even on your list!Copy !req
438. Whoa, okay! I mean, you're hot, but—Copy !req
439. - What the fuck?
- What, I thought you were pansexual?Copy !req
440. That doesn't mean I wanna kiss everybody,
you sociopath.Copy !req
441. Uh-oh, folks, we've got a runaway groom.Copy !req
442. Devon, wait, look.Copy !req
443. If you don't wanna get married
because you're a child,Copy !req
444. then that makes perfect sense.Copy !req
445. Or because Devin's a total bitch, sure.Copy !req
446. But if you don't wanna get marriedCopy !req
447. just because
of these stupid, bullshit lists,Copy !req
448. then that's crazy, because—
because it doesn't matterCopy !req
449. what everyone else thinks.Copy !req
450. Why do you want to marry Devin?Copy !req
451. She said if we got married,
she'd give me a hand job.Copy !req
452. See, there you go!Copy !req
453. - That's beautiful.
- I said maybe.Copy !req
454. Damn, girl, you look amazing
in that wedding dress.Copy !req
455. You're goddamn right I do.Copy !req
456. Devin, let's you and me get child married.Copy !req
457. Whoo!Copy !req
458. - Maury, aww.
- I'm sorry, I— I always cry at hand jobs.Copy !req
459. We are gathered here today
because no adult has stopped usCopy !req
460. and because love truly conquers all.Copy !req
461. Ooh, uh...Copy !req
462. You may now tongue the bride.Copy !req
463. I don't think she's ever gonna give him
a hand job.Copy !req
464. Totally. Hey, have you seen
Devin's sister? She is so wasted.Copy !req
465. Hey, what are you guys going after—
after this?Copy !req
466. I say let's do karaoke.Copy !req
467. Maury, please, get rid of this thing.Copy !req
468. Why? She's gorgeous, simply glamorous,
and she came from your mind.Copy !req
469. I know, but I don't think
I should be looking at girls that way.Copy !req
470. They're people, not a collection of parts.
Down, girl.Copy !req
471. And if I can't see that,
well, then, maybe I'm the monster.Copy !req
472. Wow, Andrew, that's really beautiful.Copy !req
473. All right, I'm gonna stick my nose dick
in Krewkie's front buttCopy !req
474. - if, of course, you'll have me, Krewkie?
- Krewkie!Copy !req
475. Front butt? Is that technically anal?
You know what? I want no part of this.Copy !req
476. - Shit, is Gina with Charles Lu now?Copy !req
477. I guess you don't have to say much
if you got rock-hard butt cheeks.Copy !req
478. Missy, there's a reason
I didn't make a list.Copy !req
479. There is?Copy !req
480. Yes. Because you'd be the only one on it.Copy !req
481. - Oh, gosh.
- May I kiss your cheek?Copy !req
482. You'd better.Copy !req
483. Ugh.Copy !req
484. Whew.Copy !req
485. Hey, Judder Butter, what's meltin'?Copy !req
486. - What are you talkin' about?
- Um, I was just wondering, um—Copy !req
487. So dumb, but if you might, um,
fancy a dancey, or—Copy !req
488. Oh, Jessi.Copy !req
489. I don't dance with kids.Copy !req
490. I am not a kid, for your information.Copy !req
491. I am 60 years old.
I remember when Moses was president.Copy !req
492. Okay, well, fuck. Bye.Copy !req
493. Ugh, why do I like guys that I can't have?
I'll grow out of that, right?Copy !req
494. Weeeelll...Copy !req
495. Hey, um, it's cool you came out.Copy !req
496. Is it? 'Cause everybody's
being super weird,Copy !req
497. and some people don't even believe I'm bi.Copy !req
498. - Oh, that's lame.
- It'd be so much easier if I was a girl.Copy !req
499. Are you kidding? Do you have
any idea why I left my old school?Copy !req
500. Ooh, I know this! I heard
you finger blasted a nun in the b-hole.Copy !req
501. - Um.
- Up top, girl.Copy !req
502. - No.
- Yas, queen!Copy !req
503. - That's not it.
- Am I allowed to say that now?Copy !req
504. - I told my best friend I liked her.
- Oh.Copy !req
505. And she called me a lesbo
and made everyone stop talking to me.Copy !req
506. Dude, that sucks.Copy !req
507. Yeah. I mean, no matter what,Copy !req
508. coming out is hard
and you should be proud.Copy !req
509. Thanks.
Look, I'm pretty good at reading people,Copy !req
510. and I think what you're saying isCopy !req
511. you wanna squeeze my dong so hard
that I shit myself.Copy !req
512. Or we could just dance?Copy !req
513. Okay. Great compromise!Copy !req
514. Be honest, if I wasn't smuggling a ham
under my dress,Copy !req
515. would you still be dancing with me?Copy !req
516. Oh, my God, that's, like,
actually very sweet.Copy !req
517. We have found jealousy
in each other's hairs.Copy !req
518. And now, look at us,
we dance at a child's wedding.Copy !req
519. We are truly becoming of Americans.Copy !req
520. And soon we will feast
on the childrens.Copy !req
521. Mmm, feel the muscle tearing away
from their bones.Copy !req
522. - Yes, exactly.
- As they shriek.Copy !req
523. Until we bite off their lips.Copy !req
524. I love you, sister. Mwah.Copy !req
525. Ugh.Copy !req
526. Hey, at least we have each other, right?Copy !req
527. - This old gang.
- Yeah, we're—Copy !req
528. - Amigos?
- We're great.Copy !req
529. Nick, Andrew, and Jessi,
virgins until college.Copy !req
530. - Fuck me.
- Sophomore year.Copy !req
531. Haha. Good At Bizness.Copy !req
532. - Chirp.
- Fathouse.Copy !req