1. Oooh. Aiden looks cute in that picture.
Like it, like it, like it.Copy !req
2. No, it's from a year ago.Copy !req
3. I don't want him to know
how deep I am in his feed.Copy !req
4. Come on! You wanna go balls-deep
in his feed.Copy !req
5. I'm sorry. Is his feed his mouth?Copy !req
6. Yep, and his timeline is his ass!Copy !req
7. It's easy math, my friend.Copy !req
8. Oh, oh! He sent me another snap.Copy !req
9. Lemme see, lemme see!
I wanna be a part of this!Copy !req
10. "I'm behind a little boy at the mall
who keeps calling his mom 'bruh'."Copy !req
11. - That's hilarious.Copy !req
12. Send him a dick pic!
Use my handsome one.Copy !req
13. The trick to perfect breakfast tacos
is to eat you out.Copy !req
14. I'm sorry, that's all he says.Copy !req
15. I know it's not applicable here.Copy !req
16. I'm gonna send him that random gif
of a monkey in a coat getting off a bus.Copy !req
17. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
He's FaceTiming me?Copy !req
18. Great. Here we go!Copy !req
19. Ooh, Matthew, check my teeth.Copy !req
20. I've had nothing
but ribs and popcorn today!Copy !req
21. - No. Decline, decline!
- Why did you do that?Copy !req
22. We haven't had an actual conversation
since the pharmacy.Copy !req
23. - So what?
- I don't even know what I'd say to him.Copy !req
24. You'd say, "Hello, how was your day?Copy !req
25. I'd like to see you naked
and fuck your timeline."Copy !req
26. It's simple, Matt.
The lost art of conversation.Copy !req
27. - Oh, shit! I'm just gonna text Jessi.
- Why are you gonna text Jessi?Copy !req
28. - She'll know what to do.
- What does she know about timelines?Copy !req
29. - Maury, shut up!
- Fine!Copy !req
30. - Oh, shit!
- What?Copy !req
31. I just sent "I think I just blew it
with Pharmacy Boy" to Aiden!Copy !req
32. Why would you do that?Copy !req
33. Because you were distracting me,
you horny Sasquatch!Copy !req
34. - What do I do? What do I do?
- Kill yourself!Copy !req
35. Oh, you're always pitching that!Copy !req
36. - Oh!Copy !req
37. - What's so funny?Copy !req
38. Let me see,
I wanna be a part of this.Copy !req
39. They updated the graphics,Copy !req
40. so when I shake my Boggle,
it just looks so cute.Copy !req
41. - Hey, Nick.Copy !req
42. - New Phone Day!
- New Phone Day!Copy !req
43. I'm stickin' with burners, asswipes.Copy !req
44. That's Judd! Off the grid and outta sight.Copy !req
45. Take good care of her.Copy !req
46. 'Sup, bitch? Oh, you're not Leah!Copy !req
47. Um... I— I'm— I'm Nick.Copy !req
48. Did you steal me?Copy !req
49. Uh, Leah gave you to me, so—Copy !req
50. Oh, so I'm your possession?Copy !req
51. No! No, I— You know what?
Let's start over.Copy !req
52. I'm really excited to have
a cool new phone like you.Copy !req
53. Oh! You think I'm cool?Copy !req
54. - Yeah.
- Okay.Copy !req
55. You know, I have to say,
you're so much quicker than my old phone.Copy !req
56. - Doy.Copy !req
57. Do you wanna telephone your father?Copy !req
58. - No!
- Oh, good.Copy !req
59. That new update
gave me battery cancer.Copy !req
60. Ew.Copy !req
61. Oh, boy! I just basted you so hard
in my own juices.Copy !req
62. Yeah, I guess I am
the ultimate fuck machine.Copy !req
63. But, hey, I don't even know your name.Copy !req
64. - DeLiloh? Huh?Copy !req
65. - Is that a boy's name or a girl's name?Copy !req
66. Well, because I'm on a journey
of self-discovery, you fuckin' turkey.Copy !req
67. - Sorry, turkey that I'm fucking.Copy !req
68. But come on, DeLiloh, I need to know.Copy !req
69. Aah, I need to know.Copy !req
70. I need to know!Copy !req
71. Huh! Was that turkey a boy or a girl?Copy !req
72. Wash your dicks
and get ready for school!Copy !req
73. Pssh. Life hack. I wash my dick at school.Copy !req
74. So, I have a few minutes to watch Netflix.Copy !req
75. Huh. "Because you watched Penn and Teller:
Live and Nude in British Columbia,Copy !req
76. we recommend Gordie's Journey?"Copy !req
77. For years,
I've been a happily married,Copy !req
78. straight cis male moose masseuse.Copy !req
79. Oh, yeah, you've got a gaggle of knots.Copy !req
80. Do you do computers during the day?Copy !req
81. But then, in a Calgary minute,Copy !req
82. everything changed.Copy !req
83. Dang it, Gordie! You're quitting your job
to be a magician?Copy !req
84. And you're leaving me
to explore your sexuality?Copy !req
85. You sound loony!Copy !req
86. And I'm not referring
to our nation's currency.Copy !req
87. Magic? Sexual confusion? Canada?Copy !req
88. It's about time to make
my true sexual identity appear.Copy !req
89. Like in a magic trick, for example.Copy !req
90. Whoa! Netflix has so much moneyCopy !req
91. they made a show just for me.Copy !req
92. Thank you, Ted Sarandos.Copy !req
93. Jessi, I need your help
with the Aiden situation.Copy !req
94. Aka the situ-Aiden.Copy !req
95. Oh, my God, I love that. But, no.Copy !req
96. I haven't heard from him
in 12 hours.Copy !req
97. I think what you need to do is
just own this mistake.Copy !req
98. Uh... What does that mean?Copy !req
99. Like, start sending him all your texts,
like it's on purpose.Copy !req
100. I like it.
"Happy birthday, Aunt Linda!Copy !req
101. Hope that tiny dog brings you
the comfort Uncle Leon never could."Copy !req
102. Ooh, funny. Okay, now text him
"hurricane relief" in all caps.Copy !req
103. - Oh. Was there another hurricane?
- Ugh, probably.Copy !req
104. Don't you follow Al Gore on Twitter?Copy !req
105. - Gross. No.
- Well, the Earth is boiling!Copy !req
106. She's right, it's so hot.Copy !req
107. Siri, find "fuckable magma" near me.Copy !req
108. Did you mean "edible smegma"?Copy !req
109. No! But, you know, bookmark that.Copy !req
110. Wait, what? Are you gonna put me
in your locker all morning?Copy !req
111. Oh, no, I— I'm not supposed
to have you in class, so...Copy !req
112. - Ugh! Do you always follow the rules?
- No!Copy !req
113. So, if a website asks if you're 18,
what are you gonna say?Copy !req
114. I'll say I'm 26.Copy !req
115. Yeah, he's six foot eight and he plays
for the Minnesota Timberwolves!Copy !req
116. Huh. Maybe you're not a total dork.Copy !req
117. No, I'm actually kind of, like,
more of, like, a big dick boy!Copy !req
118. Oh, yeah? Well, I'd love to take a picture
of it. I'm a photographer.Copy !req
119. - P-p-pict— Take a picture of my dick?
- Uh, yeah.Copy !req
120. Ooh! Put a peanut M&M
up in there for scale!Copy !req
121. - Maybe not now, I'm going to class.
- Bust it out!Copy !req
122. Hey, Nick! What's up?Copy !req
123. Whoa! Is that Leah's phone case?Copy !req
124. I would know it anywhere.
Not that I smelled it, or—Copy !req
125. Aah, nobody can sense your panic.Copy !req
126. - That's not weird, what I said.
- Perfectly played.Copy !req
127. Yeah, it's awesome, right?Copy !req
128. - Oh, Nick.
- Yeah?Copy !req
129. Did you know there's a cool
new artisanal doughnut place near you?Copy !req
130. - We should check it out after school.
- Okay. I can see if Andrew wants to go.Copy !req
131. Or... it could just be the two of us.Copy !req
132. You can stare at me
the whole time, or whatever.Copy !req
133. - Yeah, that sounds pretty great.
- Well, I'm good, yeah.Copy !req
134. I mean, stuff's been— Nick?
Hey, where you going?Copy !req
135. - Oop! Lars.
- Oh. I'll get out of your way.Copy !req
136. Unless you wanna just toss me
down the hall?Copy !req
137. Lars, I've been meaning
to say this for a while,Copy !req
138. but I'm sorry for grabbing you
and pulling you out of your wheelchair.Copy !req
139. I don't buy it.
I've seen all your Fart Boy videos.Copy !req
140. We both have.
Your online persona is shockingly toxic.Copy !req
141. I know it doesn't come off well,
but what can I do?Copy !req
142. Once stuff's on the internet,
it's there forever.Copy !req
143. No, but, like, that's true.Copy !req
144. It's like when I lost on Judge Joe Brown.Copy !req
145. It was moms-versus-daughters week.Copy !req
146. You could do what I did, Andrew.Copy !req
147. I recently unplugged.
I find it very freeing.Copy !req
148. I only have my phone for emergencies,Copy !req
149. like when I get pulled out
of my wheelchair by a maniac.Copy !req
150. - And I shall take that one on the chin.
- What chin?Copy !req
151. Anyway, Missy,
I like your unplugging idea a lot.Copy !req
152. - Okay.
- And I think I might give it a try.Copy !req
153. You will have my support,
from a distance.Copy !req
154. Ooh, I found it!
I found Lola on Judge Joe Brown!Copy !req
155. I find the defendant, Lola Skumpy,Copy !req
156. guilty of tryin' on her mother's nightiesCopy !req
157. and gettin' hummus all over them.Copy !req
158. Wait, what? Are you joking me?Copy !req
159. I just got railroaded!Copy !req
160. - Scary girl got my billy club!Copy !req
161. I will smash your brain into a smoothie
and drink your thoughts!Copy !req
162. - Oh, my God, he wrote me back.
- Read it out loud immediately, please.Copy !req
163. Oh! He Venmo'd me 20 cents
for hurricane relief.Copy !req
164. Oh, he's funny, right?Copy !req
165. I mean, sure, yeah. If you're attracted
to him, he's very funny.Copy !req
166. What are we talking about?
Gordie's Journey? Am I right?Copy !req
167. I mean, should we just cut schoolCopy !req
168. and watch the last four and half episodes,
like, I don't know, right now?Copy !req
169. - Ugh, that show about the gay magician?
- He's not gay! He's bi. I think.Copy !req
170. I don't know, it's very complicated!
And everything's in kilometers!Copy !req
171. You know what? Everybody,
just watch the show, okay?Copy !req
172. So that you can answer some questions
about my goddamn personal life.Copy !req
173. - Ohhh... Hey, what's up, fam?Copy !req
174. It's Fart Boy, comin' at you
for the last time.Copy !req
175. - End of an era.
- Guess what, kids?Copy !req
176. I've decided to unplug
and sign off all screens for good.Copy !req
177. You're all sheep,
and he's better than you.Copy !req
178. - There's a big world out there.
- That's right.Copy !req
179. And I'm gonna go discover it,
one day at a time.Copy !req
180. Wow! That was good.Copy !req
181. - I think I gave myself goosebumps.
- You didn't turn it off.Copy !req
182. - What? Yes, I did.
- No...Copy !req
183. - Oh, no. The screen's on.
- The green thing's blinking.Copy !req
184. - I know, but I closed the window.
- You gotta—Copy !req
185. - No, but you gotta click the thing.
- Hey, hold on, fam.Copy !req
186. - I don't—
- Where the fuck— Settings?Copy !req
187. Just unplug the whole fuckin' thing.Copy !req
188. Aaah!Copy !req
189. What a beautiful day! Hello, birds!Copy !req
190. Hello, tree! Hello, man always leaning
against that red Mazda!Copy !req
191. Hello, world!Copy !req
192. Andrew! Stop talking to the worldCopy !req
193. and tell that bum to move his Mazda!Copy !req
194. Isn't this place so cool?Copy !req
195. Yeah, doughnuts are
so much better than cupcakes.Copy !req
196. - Cupcakes suck.
- They're like muffins wearing makeup.Copy !req
197. Oh, my God,
you're trolling cupcakes so hard.Copy !req
198. You're actually kind of fun.Copy !req
199. - You think so?
- Totally.Copy !req
200. Should we, like, I don't know,
take a picture?Copy !req
201. Yeah, go for it.Copy !req
202. You're very photogenic from that angle.Copy !req
203. - Not that one.
- This one?Copy !req
204. - Oh, a little to the right and... go.
- Yeah?Copy !req
205. - Hunk alert.
- What's that?Copy !req
206. That's like an Amber Alert.Copy !req
207. But also, there is a kid missing
in a red Mazda.Copy !req
208. - Oh, no!
- But let's post that selfie.Copy !req
209. Okay!Copy !req
210. Yay! You know,
you're cute enough to get kidnapped.Copy !req
211. - You think?
- On the dark web,Copy !req
212. you'd be worth, like, four Bitcoin.Copy !req
213. - Is that a lot?
- That's, like, 90 grand.Copy !req
214. Whoa! Imagine, my life worth 90 thous—Copy !req
215. Oh, it just went down to 45 grand.Copy !req
216. There's my sunshine.Copy !req
217. Hi, Mom. Oh, I'm loving your dinner look.Copy !req
218. Well, thanks, darlin'.Copy !req
219. And who's this pretty girl?Copy !req
220. Mom, this is my friend Jessi.Copy !req
221. Oh, Matthew's brought a girl home.
How about that?Copy !req
222. Hey, Dad. Jessi Glaser, this is my dad,Copy !req
223. Staff Sergeant Edward MacDell.Copy !req
224. Glaser? Hm. I've known a few Glasers
over the years.Copy !req
225. Uh... Is your mother also Jewish?Copy !req
226. Uh...Copy !req
227. Yeah. Yeah. My mother is Jewish.Copy !req
228. She's a Jew— Uh, she's Jewish.Copy !req
229. Well, we love The Nanny.Copy !req
230. Sure. Um, yeah, Fran Drescher's terrific.Copy !req
231. Oh, yeah, we love
all those traditional Jewish sitcoms.Copy !req
232. Seinfeld, Mad About You, Friends.Copy !req
233. Uh, I don't think Friends is Jewish.Copy !req
234. Well, yeah,
but definitely Monica and Ross—Copy !req
235. Okay. Well, we're gonna go up
to my room now.Copy !req
236. Have fun, but not too much fun.Copy !req
237. - Oh, Edward.Copy !req
238. Hey, Kimberly, let's enjoy
a nice dish of ice cream tonight.Copy !req
239. So, does your dad, like, know?Copy !req
240. We have a fun, throwback sort of
"don't ask, don't tell" policy.Copy !req
241. Seriously? Oh, that's bullshit.Copy !req
242. Honestly, I don't mind it.Copy !req
243. I don't have to answer
awkward questions,Copy !req
244. and he can keep his fantasy
of me marrying Carrie Underwood.Copy !req
245. - That's fair. I actually like her.
- So do I. I just don't want to fuck her.Copy !req
246. Speaking of, what can I do
to help with the big FaceTime?Copy !req
247. I don't know. I— I want my room
to look nice, but also lived in.Copy !req
248. Okay. How about...Copy !req
249. Can we leave a knife prominently
in the background? Like, just for fun?Copy !req
250. Ooh, yes, I love that. A hint of menace.Copy !req
251. I'm telling you,
the lighting in here is all wrong.Copy !req
252. We should be doing this
in a Taco Bell bathroom, at golden hour.Copy !req
253. Hey, do you wanna know what time
it is in Sacramento?Copy !req
254. Yes, of course.Copy !req
255. Nick! Joy to the world,
and what a world it is!Copy !req
256. Did you know that we have a shoe cobbler
in downtown Bridgeton?Copy !req
257. Boy, I hope his son comes home
from Afghanistan soon.Copy !req
258. The kid'll come home
when the mission's accomplished.Copy !req
259. Show him the leaf, Andy.Copy !req
260. Nick, look at this. A perfect leaf.Copy !req
261. - You're right, that is funny.
- Come on, put down the phone.Copy !req
262. Let's live real life.Copy !req
263. Fuck real life, it's full of dorks,
like this little oatmeal man.Copy !req
264. - Yeah.Copy !req
265. God, what's wrong with me?
Every time I move, I fart.Copy !req
266. You're like a Rottweiler watching TV.Copy !req
267. Too bad you weren't filming that.
Would've been a hilarious post.Copy !req
268. - You think so?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
269. - Hey, Andrew, will you do that again?
- Are you crazy? I'm gonna shit my pants.Copy !req
270. - Even better.
- What?Copy !req
271. I mean, I don't want it
to seem forced, but could you?Copy !req
272. Uh, Nick, it's a little inappropriate
to ask me to do that.Copy !req
273. - What's the big deal?
- I've unplugged. I found a leaf.Copy !req
274. You weren't even paying attention,
'cause you're so glued to your devices.Copy !req
275. It's not like you haven't
shit your pants before.Copy !req
276. - I'm just asking you to do it on film.
- Fuck you!Copy !req
277. It's not even film,
it's just digital, zeroes and ones.Copy !req
278. - You know what? Andrew outta here.
- Good.Copy !req
279. Peace, bitch!Copy !req
280. Look at this leaf. Nature is sexy.Copy !req
281. Yeah, what do you want, sweetie?Copy !req
282. I want to buy you something.Copy !req
283. Oh fuck, she's inside me.Copy !req
284. See you in a few hours, baby.Copy !req
285. - Hey.
- Hey!Copy !req
286. Hello. How was your day?
I'd like to see you naked and—Copy !req
287. - Get out of here.
- So, we are doing this.Copy !req
288. - We are doing this.
- I—Copy !req
289. - Oh, oh... You're frozen.
- What?Copy !req
290. Uh, maybe don't move around so much?Copy !req
291. - Sorry.
- Oh, that's okay.Copy !req
292. - Oh, shit! He's frozen again.
- No, I just wasn't moving.Copy !req
293. - Who are you talking to?
- Uh, no one. Myself.Copy !req
294. - Are you—
- So, I mean—Copy !req
295. - No, you go—
- No— I—Copy !req
296. - I just— What?
- What? No, you go.Copy !req
297. No. I w— I mean, I was just gonna say,
um...Copy !req
298. Helloooo. How was your day?Copy !req
299. - What are you doing?
- The lost art of conversation.Copy !req
300. Uh, my day was fine. Um...Copy !req
301. You know, I forgot, I gotta go,
but this was— We should— Anyway.Copy !req
302. Oh, yeah, no, I— Yeah, I have to go, too.
Yeah. I was about to say that.Copy !req
303. - So, um, yeah, I have to go, too.
- Okay, sorry.Copy !req
304. - Bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
305. - Matthew, that was, um—
- Atrocious.Copy !req
306. Atrocious was
what I was looking for, yeah.Copy !req
307. You know what?
Aiden's kind of meh, right?Copy !req
308. - I don't think I like him anymore.
- Forget Aiden.Copy !req
309. There's plenty of other gorgeous, funny,Copy !req
310. out-of-the-closet hunks
in this small, suburban tow—Copy !req
311. Jesus, we're fucked, Garfield.Copy !req
312. Oh, Diane, you have an eyelash.
Make a wish.Copy !req
313. - I'm in the middle of a game.
- Okay.Copy !req
314. I'm gonna save it in my apron pocket,
and you can blow it away later.Copy !req
315. Shit my pants?
Why don't you shit your pants?Copy !req
316. - Fuckin' idiot.
- Something wrong, Andrew?Copy !req
317. Oh, hi, Dr. Birch.
I'm sorry to tell you this, sir,Copy !req
318. but your son is obsessed
with his stupid phone.Copy !req
319. - Hm. I wonder where he gets that from.Copy !req
320. Twelve points! That's the most
you can get in Boggle. Yes!Copy !req
321. Dr. Birch, this may sound crazy,Copy !req
322. but was there a time before cell phones?Copy !req
323. Oh, Andrew, it was glorious.Copy !req
324. There were no status updates or apps,Copy !req
325. and the only Kardashian we knew
was a lawyer with a skunk hairdo.Copy !req
326. Hold on, no status updates?Copy !req
327. How did you know what was going on
with your friends?Copy !req
328. We'd all get together at dinner parties,
and eat sun-dried tomatoes,Copy !req
329. and play Trivial Pursuit
until Northern Exposure came on.Copy !req
330. Wow! I don't know
what any of those things are,Copy !req
331. but a dinner party sounds delightful.Copy !req
332. That's just what my friends need.Copy !req
333. Ooh! Idea! We should throw one here!Copy !req
334. - Judd knows some dynamite caterers.
- Yes. Let's do it.Copy !req
335. I can bring the napkin rings
I made at Jewish camp.Copy !req
336. - And I'll bring my famous guacamole!
- Aah!Copy !req
337. - I do it with Greek yogurt.
- Huh.Copy !req
338. - You know where I get my Greek yogurt?
- Someplace gross?Copy !req
339. No! John Stamos' balls.Copy !req
340. What do they say about me
down at the Harbourfront, Gordie?Copy !req
341. That I've been queer? That I'm bi-curious?Copy !req
342. That I'm omnisexual?Copy !req
343. The only thing I've heard
about you, Daniel,Copy !req
344. is that you steal tricks and also...Copy !req
345. glances.Copy !req
346. Oh, you can't show up here withyour
Halifax face and your Manitoba waist,Copy !req
347. and talk to me like that.Copy !req
348. I'm Daniel Fucking Silvermeadow.Copy !req
349. Oh, yeah. Oh.Copy !req
350. Gimme some maple sugar, baby.Copy !req
351. Oh, this show is driving me nuts.Copy !req
352. Gordie spends two episodes
telling everyone he's a bisexual,Copy !req
353. and now, suddenly,
he's a non-binary pansexual?Copy !req
354. - And here you go.
- What the fuck is this?Copy !req
355. One for you.Copy !req
356. "An evening of camaraderie
and conversationCopy !req
357. presented by Andrew Glouberman
and Dr. Elliot Birch?"Copy !req
358. Wait, hold on one second. I'm sorry,
but you're throwing a party with my dad?Copy !req
359. At your house, yes. It's a dinner party.Copy !req
360. We will share food,Copy !req
361. but also we will be nourished
by our conversation.Copy !req
362. Matthew, this sounds truly terrible.Copy !req
363. We have to go.Copy !req
364. Guys. Do not go to this weird thing
at my house!Copy !req
365. Nicky, baby, don't worry.Copy !req
366. If it sucks, we'll sneak out
and watch videos of people cutting soap.Copy !req
367. - Like, with a knife?
- I'm telling you, it's oddly satisfying.Copy !req
368. Okay, fine. I will try to swing by
my own house after school.Copy !req
369. - I bet Missy wants to come.
- No, I'm gonna give her space.Copy !req
370. If it's meant to be, she'll come back.Copy !req
371. Nah, women hate space.Copy !req
372. - That's why there's no female astronauts.
- What about that one who put on—Copy !req
373. Who put on a diaper
and drove across country?Copy !req
374. She's cool. She can hang.Copy !req
375. Aiden's moved on.Copy !req
376. Look at him laughing at Chipotle.Copy !req
377. I hope he gets E. coli from his barbacoa.Copy !req
378. - Okay, who's ready for appetizers?
- Coach Steve, what are you doing here?Copy !req
379. Oh, I'm Coach Part-Time
Caterer Steve now, yeah.Copy !req
380. They give me a new job every episode.Copy !req
381. I know, I know,
but they started talking to me.Copy !req
382. Uh, clink, clink.
Uh, eyes up here, everyone.Copy !req
383. You may have wondered
why we've gathered you here tonight.Copy !req
384. You see, Dr. Birch and I want
to guide you back to a timeCopy !req
385. when you weren't slavishly devoted
to your machine.Copy !req
386. - What?
- Your phones! Give us your phones, people.Copy !req
387. - Are you fucking kidding me?
- Oh, no, no, no!Copy !req
388. I only have one episode left,
and I need to see if Gordie's trystCopy !req
389. with Becky Leveque,
the Labatt's rep from Québec,Copy !req
390. is a one-time thing or not!Copy !req
391. - It's just a couple hours.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
392. - You can't take our phones.
- Thank you!Copy !req
393. - We're going back in time.
- Come on, Nick.Copy !req
394. You don't wanna put me in the basket.Copy !req
395. I know, but maybe it'll be good
for us to have a little separation?Copy !req
396. - Okay, fine.
- Really?Copy !req
397. Yeah. I just hope
you don't get too many...Copy !req
398. mm, notifications.Copy !req
399. Oh, yeah? Well, maybe
I'll put you on airplane modeCopy !req
400. and we'll join the mile high club.Copy !req
401. - Wait, what?
- Oh, I—Copy !req
402. - What are you talking about?
- I— I think—Copy !req
403. I was— I was trying to be sexy.Copy !req
404. I'm— I'm a child, so...Copy !req
405. You know, I used to be the gym teacher
for everybody at this party.Copy !req
406. Well, except for the mommy
and the daddy.Copy !req
407. Hey, Lisa, settle a bet
I made with myself.Copy !req
408. Are you a tiny bearCopy !req
409. or a possum with a burglar mask on?Copy !req
410. - Okay, have no fear,Copy !req
411. the Conversation Hat is here.Copy !req
412. First topic. Oh, this is good.Copy !req
413. Who is the tallest woman
you've ever met?Copy !req
414. Now, that's a good question.Copy !req
415. Huh? Okay, I'll start.Copy !req
416. I was eating very cold French friesCopy !req
417. - at the YMCA.Copy !req
418. I was there for swimming lessons,Copy !req
419. - but I refused to get into the pool...
- Gordie, Gordie...Copy !req
420. - Boggle, Boggle, Boggle...Copy !req
421. - She's gotta be seven feet tall.
- Nick!Copy !req
422. - She...
- I have so much to tell you.Copy !req
423. - I'm coming for ya! I'm coming for ya!
- Yeah, get me, get me.Copy !req
424. - She was standing in the deep end—
- Sic him!Copy !req
425. - Give it!
- Guys, do not go for the basket!Copy !req
426. Ah! I'm finishing Gordie's Journey!Copy !req
427. Ugh! Now Aiden's
at Seven Dollar Doughnuts.Copy !req
428. Enough of this. You like him.Copy !req
429. Let's just go there. Come on!Copy !req
430. Diane, what are you doing?Copy !req
431. It's my phone!Copy !req
432. Look at yourself.
You're beautiful, but also a junkie.Copy !req
433. - Am I?
- A beautiful junkie.Copy !req
434. Oh, I missed you so much.Copy !req
435. Oh! Thank God you're back.Copy !req
436. - You have spam from Commerce Bank.
- Let's go to my room and unsubscribe.Copy !req
437. Just you and me, baby.Copy !req
438. Oh, God! You're right, Elliot.
I'm a Boggle junkie.Copy !req
439. Here, please, take it off my phone.Copy !req
440. Guys! Come on!Copy !req
441. We still have a lot
of fun conversation starters.Copy !req
442. How about this one? "If you knew
a child was disabled in the womb,Copy !req
443. would you abort it
or see the pregnancy through?"Copy !req
444. I'd love to stand here and tell youCopy !req
445. that I'm a pansexual,
demi-romantic illusionist.Copy !req
446. But all I've really learned is...Copy !req
447. my name is Gordie,
and my journey has just begun.Copy !req
448. Oh, that's it? Ten episodes,
and you learned your name?Copy !req
449. Come on, that's bullshit!Copy !req
450. Whoa! What's wrong, kid?Copy !req
451. Oh, sorry, I didn't realize there was
another dinner party up here.Copy !req
452. And you're not scared,
seein' a bunch of ghosts?Copy !req
453. Oh, no, there's a shit ton
of ghosts at my house.Copy !req
454. My old man says witnesses have
a funny way of dying.Copy !req
455. Oh, baby, what else did I miss?Copy !req
456. Shia LaBeouf left a bomb
at Whole Foods.Copy !req
457. - Ugh, I bet it's, like, an art project.
- Oh! That's such a hot take.Copy !req
458. You're so clever.Copy !req
459. - You're so pathetic!
- What?Copy !req
460. You couldn't be away
from your phone for one night.Copy !req
461. Andrew, shouldn't you be hanging out
with my father?Copy !req
462. Idiot. He and your mother are making love.Copy !req
463. But you wouldn't know that,
'cause you're always on your phone.Copy !req
464. Okay. Andrew, you feel
like technology's keeping us apart.Copy !req
465. - Yes, I do.
- When really, it's bringing us together.Copy !req
466. - What?
- We have more power in our fingertipsCopy !req
467. - than whole generations before us.
- I'm listening.Copy !req
468. Creativity, adaptability, connectability.Copy !req
469. AT&T Wireless.
Where will it take you?Copy !req
470. Okay, that's definitely
a cell phone commercial.Copy !req
471. But it's still true!Copy !req
472. When I wanna break down a Mets trade
late at night, what do I do?Copy !req
473. - Do I call your house?
- No, my dad would kill you. You text me.Copy !req
474. And what about when we wanna know
the net worth of Liev Schreiber?Copy !req
475. We Googled it.Copy !req
476. It said 16 million,
but that still seems high.Copy !req
477. - Yeah.
- I guess it's Ray Donovan money.Copy !req
478. - And who do you think's on my home screen?Copy !req
479. It's me. I don't look half bad
in that picture.Copy !req
480. 'Cause I used an app
called Chin Fix to give you a jawline.Copy !req
481. I mean, I don't love phones,Copy !req
482. but if you wanted to post that,
I guess you could.Copy !req
483. You got it, buddy.Copy !req
484. I'm doing it as a story
so it disappears in 24 hours.Copy !req
485. I guess I just feel like...
your phone is replacing me.Copy !req
486. Andrew, nothing could ever replace you.Copy !req
487. You're my best friend.Copy !req
488. - Really?
- Of course.Copy !req
489. Thanks, Nick. I'm gonna go settle up
with the raccoons.Copy !req
490. - That was all bullshit, right?
- Oh, total bullshit.Copy !req
491. Ah, I love it when you lie.Copy !req
492. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, I fuckin' do.Copy !req
493. Yeah, I'm never gonna tell the truth.Copy !req
494. I'm a little psychopath.Copy !req
495. Yeah, I'm psycho too, bitch.Copy !req
496. I'm just so pissed that Gordie didn't
decide dick about his sexuality.Copy !req
497. Well, why is it so important
that he decides?Copy !req
498. 'Cause it's not satisfying
to the audience! They need an answer!Copy !req
499. Well, how hard could it be?Copy !req
500. You're either straight, or you're sweet.Copy !req
501. Well, that's not true, Duke.Copy !req
502. Most people thought I was gay,
but I'm actually bisexual.Copy !req
503. And now, there's, like,
a million other things you can be.Copy !req
504. It's fucking confusing!Copy !req
505. Sorry to interrupt. But maybe I can help.Copy !req
506. Gordie? But you're just
as mixed up as I am.Copy !req
507. That's true, Jay.Copy !req
508. But I've learned heaps
about the spectrum of sexuality.Copy !req
509. Let me tell you all about it,
in the sexiest place in Canada.Copy !req
510. Justin Trudeau's underpants?Copy !req
511. Nope, the Toronto Harbourfront, after all.Copy !req
512. Come on in!Copy !req
513. So, you're telling me
there's a category for everybody?Copy !req
514. - I don't believe it.
- Oh, yeah? Try me.Copy !req
515. Huh! I guess I did learn somethingCopy !req
516. from that stupid Canadian show.Copy !req
517. But where do you fit
into all of this, Jay?Copy !req
518. Hmm.Copy !req
519. Oh, what do I even say to him?Copy !req
520. You say, "Hello. How was your day?"Copy !req
521. I tried that!Copy !req
522. Yeah, but you sounded
like a serial killer. Just be yourself.Copy !req
523. - Come on.Copy !req
524. Swirls are just—Copy !req
525. Oh, Aiden. Hey, I— I didn't know
you'd be here.Copy !req
526. Well, I just put it up on Instagram.Copy !req
527. I know, I— I may have seen it.Copy !req
528. And I may have put it up
hoping you would see it.Copy !req
529. He likes you. He wants to see you naked
and beef your timeline.Copy !req
530. The miracle of social media.Copy !req
531. Maybe sometime
we could hang out on purpose?Copy !req
532. Hang out now, right now.
Hang out with him now!Copy !req
533. Uh, on purpose sounds great.Copy !req
534. So, what's good here?Copy !req
535. I'll send it to him later.Copy !req
536. Oh, honey, we gotta find someone for you.Copy !req
537. One of those caterers
at Nick's seemed cute.Copy !req
538. - You want me to date a raccoon?
- Oh. I thought they were tiny bears.Copy !req
539. Okay, listen up, jerks!Copy !req
540. I've got big news.Copy !req
541. I, Jay Bilzerian, am a bisexual,Copy !req
542. cisgendered, polyamorous magician!Copy !req
543. Good for you, kid.
Maybe you should tell your friends?Copy !req
544. Well, that's what I was trying to do,
but...Copy !req
545. I dunno, I think my moment's passed.Copy !req
546. Hey, can I confess something?Copy !req
547. I love eating envelopes.Copy !req
548. Me, too, man. Me, too.Copy !req
549. Hey, what are you guys up to now?Copy !req
550. I heard about this awesome dumpster
at the Fuddruckers on Central Ave.Copy !req
551. You guys wanna head over there,Copy !req
552. see if there's any loose tomatoes,
or what?Copy !req
553. You're going night windsurfing
with Morris Chestnut?Copy !req
554. Oh, yeah. You can't pass up
that obviously real opportunity.Copy !req
555. I hate to admit it,
but it's good to be back online.Copy !req
556. You bet it is, baby.Copy !req
557. Absolutely no emails or activity,
but it's good to be here.Copy !req
558. The internet makes people feel good.Copy !req
559. - Oh, no.
- What?Copy !req
560. - Look.
- Oh, buddy.Copy !req
561. - Oh, God.
- What do you think?Copy !req
562. Should we livestream another angry rant?Copy !req
563. Nah, I think I'm just gonna jerk off
and go to sleep.Copy !req
564. - What do you wanna think about?
- Uh... Oh, gosh.Copy !req
565. Ooh. What about
that tall woman from the YMCA?Copy !req
566. - Huh.
- Remember how big her car was?Copy !req
567. And she had to push her seat
so far back.Copy !req
568. I wonder if she played
college volleyball.Copy !req
569. Oh, Cellsea, I'm so glad
we're back together.Copy !req
570. I was, like, dying without you.Copy !req
571. Yeah, but then I plugged you in.Copy !req
572. You wanna watch somebody play
a video game that you don't even own?Copy !req
573. I'll watch anything with you.Copy !req
574. - Yeah, you like to watch, don't you?
- Yeah, I do.Copy !req
575. Well, here's something else
you might like.Copy !req
576. Now, Miss Skumpy,Copy !req
577. I understand
we have nanny cam footageCopy !req
578. of the hummus-on-the-nightie incident?Copy !req
579. That teddy bear is a fucking narc!Copy !req
580. Oh, Monsieur Teddy Bear, mmm...Copy !req
581. Looks like you can keep a secret.Copy !req
582. Mmm...Copy !req
583. Oh. Oh, my God, that's amazing.Copy !req
584. Well, if you like that,
you're gonna love this videoCopy !req
585. of John Stamos jackin' off
in a bowl of guac.Copy !req
586. Oh, you gotta show me that.Copy !req
587. I'm gonna show you everything.Copy !req
588. - Do you wanna just stay up all night?
- Okay.Copy !req
589. And have, like, a weird headache
in the morning?Copy !req
590. - All fucking night...
- Yeah.Copy !req
591. - Fathouse.Copy !req