Big Mouth 3x10

1. This is the audition for Disclosure the Musical.

2. It is based on the 1994 movie Disclosure,

3. which was not a musical,

4. starring Michael Douglas and Demi Moore.

5. Demi Moore is Michael Douglas's boss.

6. She invites him to her office and gives him oral sex,

7. but he decides he doesn't want to have full sex and leaves.

8. Demi Moore is mad and says Michael Douglas has sexually harassed her.

9. The movie is confusing. Group one, you're up.

10. All right, people. Let's get started. Who's up first, please?

11. I'm Nick Birch, and I'm reading for the Michael Douglas role.

12. Wow, very loud. Thank you.

13. Um, Jessi Glaser. I guess I'll read for the dutiful wife?

14. What the fuck? Really?

15. Okay, next.

16. Um, I'm Missy Foreman-Greenwald,

17. and I'm auditioning for the part of Demi Moore.

18. Oh, I felt that one.

19. Thank you, everyone.

20. The cast list will be posted after you skip the main titles.

21. Oh, Matt, you're gonna make a great Michael Douglas.

22. You know, he's a personal hero of mine,

23. a man so dedicated to the art of cunnilingus

24. that he managed to blame his throat cancer on it.

25. Holy shit, I got the Michael Douglas part.

26. What, him?

27. Uh, I mean, this is some real bullshit.

28. Congratulations, Nick.

29. Oh, thanks, man. Feeling really blessed, you know. Prayer hands.

30. Um, I think someone's doing a big prank.

31. It says here I'm playing the Demi Moore part.

32. It's not a prank.

33. You don't have to be an astrophysicist to know that you're a star.

34. Lars!

35. Well, it's really only because I have the best acting coach in the world.

36. Oh, please. I just told you to do the work.

37. Because it's all about the work.

38. - Well, and the craft. - Right.

39. - But mostly the work. - Okay.

40. - And putting in the time. - Of course.

41. I'm looking forward to putting in the time to do the work with you, Missy.

42. - What about the craft? - "Secretary Number Girl?"

43. That's not even a number, let alone a character.

44. Oh, thank God I'm stage crew. I look great in crew black.

45. - It's very slimming—

46. Um, why don't I see the name Lola Scumpy up here?

47. Because I have a very special role for you.

48. Lola Ugfuglio Scumpy,

49. will you be my stage manager?

50. Oh, my God, you know my confirmation name?

51. Um, I'm sorry. Did you say Ugfuglio?

52. He's the patron saint of sausage and peppers.

53. - Antoni, who are we doin' this week? - Well, the dossier says

54. we're working with Coach Steve Steve.

55. He's 47, and his goal is to get his job back.

56. Ooh, girl, I love me some coach, honey. Craig T Nelson is an icon, accept it.

57. And he was nominated by a child. Aww.

58. So, my best friend lives in a shipping container,

59. and he fucked my mom.

60. He recently got fired from my school, and he always looks like total dog shit.

61. - Jesus. - So, I don't know.

62. Can you guys, like, gay-rescue him?

63. I am loving the child's confident vest moment.

64. Mm-hm.

65. - We're here. - Steve! It's us.

66. - Where is he? - I'm here. I'm right over here.

67. This is incredible.

68. - So, obviously, you know why we're here. - No idea.

69. But you fine people came to the diaper barge and jumped on me.

70. This is the best day of my life, baby.

71. Okay, so this place is a little bit dirty,

72. but barges are Paris, honey.

73. They're the Seine. They are Audrey Hepbur— Ow.

74. - Diaper fight! - You kidding me?

75. - Yay! - No, uh-uh.

76. This is how people get sick. I'm out.

77. - So, is there, like, a fridge or— - Oh, no, no, no.

78. You can't have food here on account of the birds.

79. The birds run the barge,

80. and you know what they say,

81. "The birds run the barge."

82. So, you're serving me some Clark-Gable-meets-Super-Mario vibes.

83. I do like to jump on turtles.

84. What is your current grooming situation, sweetie?

85. - I call it the brush. - Okay.

86. 'Cause it's one brush I use for all my parts, my head, my teeth,

87. - my peena. - Your peena?

88. And my asshole.

89. Jesus in my vagina, that poor brush.

90. So, Steve, I wanna know all about Bridgeton Middle.

91. Oh, I love that school.

92. The walls go up until they hit the top wall

93. and then they go sideways.

94. Hearing Steve talk, there's a real childlike innocence to him.

95. The walls. The walls go down, and then that's a room.

96. He's dumb. He's a dumb man.

97. The dumb ones pound the hardest, honey.

98. Listen up, gang.

99. - Let's get real for a sec. - Yeah.

100. Disclosure the Musical is an exploration of the dangerous times

101. - that we men are now forced to navigate. - Wow, wow, wow, wow.

102. This play dares to harass the very notion of sexual harassment

103. and say, "Uh, yeah, me too."

104. Yes, woke king, I'm with him.

105. Okay, no.

106. This play discredits women who have the courage to speak out.

107. It's a misogynistic fantasy. Have any of you guys even read this?

108. I actually just read my part.

109. See, he barely even cares.

110. Why am I not the lead?

111. He sings like an angel, and he has the face of a god.

112. Honestly, Matthew,

113. - I just don't buy you as a romantic lead. - What?

114. Is he saying gay guys can't play straight?

115. Uh, hello, Jim Parsons, anyone? Sheldon turns Blossom out on the regs.

116. And how come I got cast as Señorita Cleaning Lady?

117. My only line is "Yes, Mr. Michael Douglas."

118. Because diversity.

119. Why does my character get slapped on the ass and then apologize for it?

120. Ugh! Actors! If you whiny nobodies hate the play so much, just quit.

121. Great idea, Lola. I quit.

122. Yeah. Me, too.

123. Yeah, fuck this play, right in its tight pussy.

124. How was that, Lizer, straight enough for you?

125. Lola, could you please escort Lisa Simpson and her friends off my stage?

126. With pleasure, Terry.

127. Missy, come on. Don't you see how offensive this play is?

128. You can't quit. We worked too hard to get you here.

129. I'm sorry, Jessi. But don't worry,

130. I'll effect positive change from within.

131. Or maybe I'll just get caught up in the fame

132. and have a really good time being the star of the show.

133. Ugh!

134. Let's be honest about what this binding arbitration is about.

135. I'm an aggressive woman.

136. Are you? Make me believe it, Missy.

137. - Make him believe it, kiddo.

138. Whoa, Missy's foot came right close to your Nicky dicky.

139. Yeah. She's really good.

140. She makes me want to learn my lines.

141. Where did that come from, Missy?

142. That was totally hot.

143. I don't know. Something came over me, I guess.

144. Siri, text Andrew Glouberman.

145. Missy's performance is like my dick

146. after a weekend in Russell Crowe's sweat lodge, sizzling.

147. - Oh, I know. - Jesus, Andrew,

148. you can't sneak up on me like that.

149. This isn't Russell Crowe's sweat lodge.

150. Oh, I guess my crew blacks make me blend into the shadows.

151. Terry, is their amateurism giving you a migraine?

152. Shall we just, like, call it, Terry?

153. Yeah, I think so.

154. Thank God I have one competent person here.

155. All right, people, you don't have to go home,

156. but you can't stay here,

157. is what my mom's boyfriend said to me as I stood in my own bedroom.

158. - Holy granoly, who are you?

159. I'm Mona, you horny little spaz,

160. and I'm your new hormone monstress.

161. What? No! I'm still not ready.

162. Nonsense. I saw you on stage.

163. Your juice was... loose.

164. Oh, God! Gross.

165. Not gross.

166. It was liberating, exhilarating.

167. Maybe even titillating?

168. Yeah, yeah, yeah, baby, see?

169. - It felt good. - It did.

170. It did! I really liked it.

171. - Right, darling.

172. There's a storm brewing, and it's hot and wet.

173. - Ooh! - Hurricane Missy's gonna wreak havoc.

174. Hurricane Missy?

175. Now, let's grab that shower head and make it rain upside down.

176. Oh, oh, okay!

177. Okay, Steve. So, since you live on the water,

178. I thought we'd do a fresh, simple seafood dish.

179. Ceviche is where you— Oh!

180. - Help me! Help! Help!

181. Oof, magoof.

182. So, Steve, as a dumb man, how would you describe your style?

183. - Oh, I don't have the sty any more. - No, no, style.

184. I guess, like, a little skin volcano on my eye.

185. Hey, Tan, would it be gay if I told you I'm living for this shirt,

186. but I'd be dying if it came in a floral print?

187. Oh, my gosh, so gay and so lovely.

188. Fashion wolf! Okay, or whatever.

189. - Shoo!

190. I do not even think y'all are ready to see the new and improved Coach Steve.

191. - Oh, you did such a good job.

192. Oh, my gosh, Jonathan, he looks beautiful.

193. Oh, Coach Steve, what do you think of your new look?

194. - What. What look? - Right there. In the mirror.

195. You mean the window? What, the handsome man who does everything I do?

196. Look, he's still do— he's still doing it.

197. Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Oh, okay, no, he— he's different.

198. Good morning, Mr. CEO.

199. Am I dressed appropriately for work today?

200. Wow, you really look like a senior VP.

201. Well, I like your big business desk,

202. but it's missing something.

203. Me.

204. - Missy, please, what's gotten into you?

205. You just look so cute in that suit, I couldn't help myself.

206. Well, please try.

207. Smooches are for the weekend, and the last I checked, it's Wednesday.

208. Cheese and crackers, I went too far.

209. Ugh! No, you didn't go far enough.

210. Here's what you do.

211. Sneak into his house and go down on him under the table

212. - while he eats dinner with his family. - Why?

213. You're gonna fellate him so hard, he's gonna forget the Pledge of Allegiance.

214. Are you saying the Pledge of Allegiance at dinner?

215. Hey, Missy, I love the new look.

216. Wow, Nick, your hair looks great.

217. Hmm, who's this little hooker?

218. - You like it? - Touch it. Touch the Michael Douglas hair.

219. - Wow, silky. It's very realistic. - Hey, I have a question.

220. How would you feel about running lines after school?

221. - Um, how would I feel about running li— - Yes. Yes!

222. - Yes! - How about you stop by my house tonight?

223. - Yeah, great. Okay, I'll see you later. - You're gonna sit on his face

224. and use that hair as a seat belt.

225. - Bye, Nick. - See you later, Nick.

226. We already spent $58 on a wig for Nick Birch.

227. - We're not canceling the show. - Yeah, I understand.

228. It was an expensive wig.

229. But the play is insulting to women.

230. And Asian people.

231. All races.

232. Lizer refused to give me the lead because I'm gay.

233. And gay is a synonym for talented. Look it up.

234. I know you kids think you're fighting for something important here.

235. But have you ever stopped to consider that you're annoying?

236. - What? - I have eight days left

237. until I retire to Lake Chautauqua.

238. I'm not gonna cancel the play and get a bunch of parents mad at me.

239. But it makes a mockery of sexual harassment.

240. Jessi, you're a child.

241. You don't understand how good it feels to be drunk in a lake.

242. Can you please pass me my issue of Backstage magazine,

243. the magazine for actors?

244. Terry, you're working yourself to the bone.

245. These rehearsals, right?

246. Sometimes I'm on my feet for 40 to 45 minutes straight.

247. I like your feet.

248. They're pointy and they kind of look like pita chips,

249. and that's honestly a blessing.

250. I think I hear some dogs barkin'.

251. - What? - Do you hear 'em?

252. - I'm talkin' about my feet. - Oh.

253. A lot of people call their feet "dogs," and I'm one of those people.

254. - What do you think about that, Lo? - About your dogs?

255. I guess I could, like, rub 'em a little.

256. I think that's a great idea that you just had.

257. - Silence my dogs, please. - Okay.

258. - Jesus Christ. - "My dogs are barking"? Yuck.

259. - My dicks are barfing.

260. Oh, great, now I'm gonna be up all night with these two.

261. - Am I doing this right?

262. Your hands, Lola, they're so strong.

263. Oh, this is delicious.

264. - Oh, God. I gotta get outta here.

265. Who goes there?

266. This is a private rehearsal space, thank you very much.

267. - Lola, get your hands off me. - Sorry.

268. Okay, uh... I'm gonna go.

269. Good call, Terry. We need you fresh for tomorrow.

270. Oh, my God, typical.

271. What are you still doing here?

272. - Nothing. 'Cause I didn't see anything.

273. Sorry, I fart when I'm lying.

274. Hold on, I have a fartographic memory,

275. and that was you backstage.

276. Okay, fine.

277. I— I saw Lizer making you give him that weird foot rub.

278. It wasn't weird.

279. Terry has tender tootsies and he needed a little rub-a-dub.

280. Eww, you call him Terry. That sucks.

281. Yeah, we're very close, fuckwad.

282. Now kiss this rockin' donk, slap, goodnight.

283. Sashay away.

284. Okay, so, Steve, you've got this new look and you're feeling more confident.

285. Now, I wanna talk about asserting yourself.

286. Okay, do whatever you want to me.

287. See, that's what I mean.

288. I notice you say yes to almost everything.

289. - Yes. - Like that.

290. - Right there. You just said yes. - Okay.

291. - Look at my lips. - All right.

292. - No. - Right.

293. Oh, my God. Okay.

294. I brought you out here to teach you the value of saying no.

295. - Yes. - Steve, tell me.

296. If all of your friends were jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge,

297. - would you jump off— - Okay.

298. - Oh, my gosh! Steve! - Any friends down here?

299. - Ooh. - To the diaper barge! Squaw, squaw!

300. So, guys, while you were cutting Steve's hair, telling him how he feels,

301. and buying him a shirt,

302. I renovated his entire fucking home.

303. Wow! I don't notice a difference.

304. Well, over here,

305. I framed one of your favorite diapers,

306. just as a nod to the history of the barge.

307. Okay. So for Steve, we need to keep things super simple.

308. We've tried a French tuck,

309. and he managed to stuff his entire shirt into his urethra.

310. Yeah, I stuffed my peena pretty good.

311. Steve, you look amazing.

312. - You look so good. - So proud of you!

313. Aw, you guys, thank you so much.

314. This is the best driver's ed course I've ever taken.

315. Okay, but lastly, Steve,

316. we wanted to give you something to remember us by.

317. She's a gorgeous golden whistle, honey.

318. This way, we'll always be with you, Steve.

319. Aww! I love you guys.

320. You're my parents.

321. Oh, come here! We love you, too, booby.

322. Now, go get your job back,

323. you simple block of cheese.

324. All right.

325. Oh, come on, Michael Douglas,

326. you didn't come up here, late at night,

327. to talk about virtual reality.

328. Tell him what the fuck he came for.

329. You came up here to talk about sexual reality.

330. She's really good.

331. She turning me into a thes-bian.

332. - Nick, that's your line. - Oh, sorry.

333. It's late. I should get to the ferry and go home to my family.

334. And do you really wanna go home?

335. I don't know.

336. - Mm-mm-mm. - Yummy, yummy.

337. So, all right, yeah, I— I think this is where we're supposed to kiss.

338. Should we do it...

339. - Yeah— - ... later?

340. - Oh, yeah, later. - Yeah.

341. - Yes. Yes, we should do it later. - Yeah. You know what we can do?

342. - We'll do it on the day. - At the performance.

343. Or on the day, as they say.

344. - Of course. It could be French. - Okay.

345. - Or whatever. We could try on the day. - We could also plan it on the day.

346. - On the mouth. - Okay. Uh...

347. - I should go. - Yeah.

348. - Home to my family. - Right.

349. Whoa.

350. What the hell just happened?

351. You almost kissed Missy. You like her.

352. - No, I don't. - Then why you got all that blood

353. - up in your dick? - Missy's off limits.

354. - She used to go out with Andrew. - You can't choose who you like.

355. I don't wanna like Seann William Scott, but I do.

356. What can I say? He's fun.

357. - Mmm.

358. - Oh, my God. Yeah. - Oh, yeah, that's the sound we want.

359. Like bone popcorn.

360. Yeah, I'm pretending I'm putting out one of my mom's cigarillos.

361. Oh! We really have a special relationship, don't we, Lo?

362. No, we totally do. Andrew Glouberman is,

363. like, super obsessed with that foot rub I gave you.

364. - I think he's— - What did you say? Get off!

365. Wait, why would you talk to him about us?

366. This is supposed to be private.

367. It is?

368. - Are— are we doing something wrong?

369. - I'm not. Are you? - No!

370. Lola, are you trying to make this into something inappropriate?

371. No, I would never, Terry.

372. Because you asked to rub my feet.

373. But your dogs were barking.

374. Yeah, but who let them out, Lola?

375. - Who? Who? - I did. I'm sorry.

376. So, what do I do now?

377. I mean, I— I don't think I feel comfortable working with you.

378. Do you not want me to be your stage manager anymore?

379. Wow, Lola, you wanna quit the play because of what you did?

380. Yeah, then fine. That's probably for the best.

381. Is that probably for the best?

382. Turn in your headset and your clipboard also.

383. I want 'em both right now.

384. I can't believe you did this to me three weeks before my birthday.

385. - Boycott the play tomorrow. - It's sexist.

386. And poorly cast.

387. - How was your rehearsal with Nick? - It was good.

388. 'Cause you didn't text me afterwards.

389. Who the hell does he think he is?

390. Your parole officer?

391. Sorry, I just can't wait till this play's over and you're back

392. - in your cute little overalls. - I like this outfit.

393. It's a costume, it's not you.

394. If you wanna wear cowboy boots and a bra full of radishes,

395. that's your business.

396. You know what, Lars? I can wear whatever I want.

397. Sounds like someone took their bitch pills this morning.

398. I did, with a full glass of almond milk!

399. And this bitch is late for dress rehearsal.

400. So why don't you move to the side? Because talent is traveling.

401. Dress rehearsal. Remember to project.

402. Cue the curtain.

403. I'm a family man

404. who, full disclosure, loves his family, man.

405. You're a good husband, but I work too,

406. so I can't give you everything you need as a man.

407. - Now, don't be late to the ferry.

408. Beware. The pretty women want our jobs.

409. I'd like you all to meet Demi Moore.

410. She's going to be your female boss.

411. Michael Douglas,

412. my old sex friend and current subordinate,

413. I wanna see you in my office tonight, sir.

414. We're gonna talk business over a glass of wine from our sexual past.

415. Then we'll, uh, do the kiss on the day?

416. - So we'll do it on the day. - We'll do it on the day, then.

417. Okay, let's skip to the interpretive blow job ballet.

418. Sexual harassment is about power.

419. When did I ever have the power?

420. Mm. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

421. Terry, you have really earned your hard cider

422. and Chobani Flip tonight, my brother.

423. Hey, uh...

424. Jessi, you're a girl, right?

425. Mm, yeah. Who's asking?

426. Well, I kind of need a female opinion here,

427. because I think something weird is going on with Lizer and Lola.

428. - Uh, yeah, no doy. She's in love with him. - No.

429. She quit the play.

430. Right after I saw her rubbing Lizer's feet.

431. Oh, God, she was rubbing his pointy tinies?

432. - Yes. - Eww, he's a teacher.

433. - We have to tell somebody. - That's what I thought.

434. Well, you were right to say something.

435. Come on. I don't want people sayin', uh,

436. "Andrew's a hero" or, you know, "Andrew, he's king feminist," please.

437. - No one would ever say that about you. - Oh.

438. Hey, Lola. Can we talk to you about Lizer?

439. I'm not supposed to talk about Te—

440. I mean, Mr Lizer.

441. Lola, we think what he did to you was wrong.

442. No, I flirted with him,

443. and then I talked to you about it,

444. and then he told me I quit.

445. It's all my fault.

446. No, it's not.

447. He's a teacher, Lola.

448. You're 13, and he's 39.

449. Only for three more weeks.

450. He took advantage of you.

451. How can I explain this? Okay, you know on Pretty Little Liars...

452. I'm listening.

453. when Aria found out that Ezra was not really part of the A-Team?

454. - Oh, my God. - And that in fact,

455. he'd been using her since the beginning?

456. It was the ultimate betrayal.

457. Right? That's basically what Lizer did to you.

458. What?

459. Oh!

460. Goodnight, nurse, sweetie.

461. - Is that bird seed? - Caw!

462. You know what? We've given Coach Steve all the tools.

463. Now let's watch him stand up for himself and get his job back.

464. Oh, shit, look at her.

465. She is a beach wedding. She is a linen curtain.

466. She is Tom Selleck raised in a crawl space, honey.

467. You know, I gotta be honest. Working with Steve has definitely changed us.

468. I've met someone. His name is Piper.

469. - We finish each other's—

470. - Oh, my God, they're gorgeous together. - Very handsome

471. inter-species couple realness.

472. I love you so much, my best friends.

473. - Oh, I love you, too. - My God, gonna miss you, girl.

474. Come outta the whistle now.

475. Come out and be with me.

476. Be with me now outside of the whistle. Outside now, please.

477. The parking lot is gonna be a nightmare after the show.

478. Barbara, I think we should leave now.

479. Okay, let's start on a sweeping wide, you know, really show the crowd,

480. and then just film my son Nicky

481. in a tight close-up for the rest of the show.

482. So, this is it.

483. - Uh, this is the day. - We're on the day.

484. - Interesting vibes on the day. - Yeah.

485. - Thick energy. - Thick energy on the day.

486. I can't believe it. They're finally gonna do it.

487. Yes, she's gonna put her finger in his little hooker butthole.

488. - What? That's not in the script. - It's called improv, Connie.

489. I thought improv was four old white dudes sayin', "Yes, and..."

490. Ladies and gentlemen,

491. unfortunately, tonight's performance has been canceled.

492. - Great, let's go. Run, Barbara.

493. What the hell is going on?

494. Let's just say there have been accusations against you, all right?

495. By who? Mila? Devin?

496. That hot eighth grader with the blond leg hair?

497. I was complimenting her.

498. No, you scuzzbucket, it was me.

499. Oh! You're gonna believe Lola?

500. Yes, we are.

501. Because we believe women when they say they're being harassed.

502. - Oh, not this fucking bitch. - What?

503. I said, this is another example of women using sexual harassment

504. to destroy good men.

505. It's just like Disclosure.

506. - Except I didn't even get a blow job!

507. - What? - Gross.

508. Stay on Nicky.

509. Lizer, you're so fired.

510. Who cares? This school sucks.

511. No! No, it does not suck.

512. - Yeah! - He said no, guys. I taught him that.

513. This is the best school in the planet

514. and the best students on the whole world.

515. I miss my job here every single day,

516. and sometimes in the locker room shower,

517. Lizer washes his penis so hard that toothpaste comes out.

518. I have to say, Steve, you look like you really got your act together.

519. How would you like Lizer's job? It's a lot more money.

520. This is for you, my tiny dudes.

521. No! I wanna be in charge of the big squeaky room.

522. Are you saying that you wanna go back to being a gym teacher?

523. - Okay. - Whoo!

524. - Coach Steve! - This is ridiculous.

525. - Trap door number four. - This is a total— Whoa!

526. Oh, no! Oh, I fell on my sharp little feet.

527. One of them punctured my ball sack.

528. - Oh, God. - Should someone go down there?

529. I'm gonna pull it out real quick.

530. - Oh, I don't think he should pull it out. - Oh, shit!

531. Oh, I should not have pulled that out.

532. I just filleted my penis shaft.

533. It looks like a— like an empty edamame shell.

534. - Oh, God! Oh! - Stay on Nicky.

535. Does anybody have a Ziploc bag?

536. Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick.

537. - Oh, great.

538. Now, I'm gonna be up all night with these two.

539. - Hey. - Hey.

540. All that rehearsing, and we never got to do our big number.

541. - We could do it now. It is still the day. - Yeah.

542. Nick.

543. How...

544. could you?

545. - Fathouse.