1. So, to begin with,
we both love romantic comedies—Copy !req
2. - This is actually how we met.
- Let me tell it.Copy !req
3. - Okay.
- I was watching Must Love Dogs—Copy !req
4. - Oh, Diane Lane.
- Diane Lane.Copy !req
5. Diane... Lane.Copy !req
6. There's a scene where she comes down
for her date with John Cus—Copy !req
7. - Oh, I love that scene.
- Yes, she's in this spaghetti strap dress.Copy !req
8. - Ooh-la-la.
- I look over next to me,Copy !req
9. - and who's sitting there—
- This guy!Copy !req
10. He was a dog.Copy !req
11. - I really thought he was a large dog.
- Woof, woof!Copy !req
12. So anyway, he suggests we double downCopy !req
13. - and watch Nights in Rodanthe—
- No!Copy !req
14. - It wasn't Nights in Rodanthe.
- Yes, it was.Copy !req
15. - It was Under the Tuscan Sun. Yes.
- Ugh, as much as I hate to say it,Copy !req
16. - he's right.
- He hates when I'm right. He hates it.Copy !req
17. - I hate it.
- Like, when I'm like,Copy !req
18. "Let's jerk off in the shower."Copy !req
19. Well, it rattles me, you know?
You're so... often wrong.Copy !req
20. - But when I'm right...
- When you're right, you're right!Copy !req
21. So Diane's life had come to a standstill—Copy !req
22. Right, she needs to find herself in Italy.Copy !req
23. Okay, and this whole family sees her
on a balcony,Copy !req
24. - and she's in her bra.
- And we paused it,Copy !req
25. and I did what I did,Copy !req
26. - and, uh—
- Yeah, the rest is history.Copy !req
27. Wow, that was over 18 months ago.Copy !req
28. - Feels like I've known you a lifetime.
- Yeah.Copy !req
29. - Diane Lane.
- Diane Lane.Copy !req
30. - Is any of this usable?Copy !req
31. I am your new Hormone Monster.Copy !req
32. - Okay, just gonna...Copy !req
33. Why do my nipples hurt so much?Copy !req
34. Happy Valentime's Day,
my little baby Bunsen burner.Copy !req
35. - Oh, hey, happy Valentine's Day.Copy !req
36. - I was just, um—
- Sneaking out?Copy !req
37. No, I wasn't sneaking out, I just—
You know, late for school, but—Copy !req
38. Hey, do you know what's going on
with my nipples?Copy !req
39. Oh, yeah, they're gonna get all tender
and swolled up like a Butterball turkey.Copy !req
40. And do you know if this is, like,
normal for boys?Copy !req
41. - Absolutely. I think so.
- What?Copy !req
42. - Maybe.
- Hold on,Copy !req
43. am I the first boy to ever have
a lady hormone monster?Copy !req
44. - Pssh, no! Course not.
- Oh, good.Copy !req
45. - You just happen to be my first boy.
- What?Copy !req
46. - I'm the first boy you've ever had?
- They like me with girls, mostly.Copy !req
47. I don't think I'm a girl, am I?Copy !req
48. - No, you definitely got a penis.
- Right, I'm a boy.Copy !req
49. - Or a girl, with a penis.
- You know what? I really just gotta go.Copy !req
50. - All right, you run along, baby.Copy !req
51. I'll be here farting up in your bed.Copy !req
52. Mmm, that smells like raw honey.Copy !req
53. Sorry, forgot my— Oh, my God!
What is that?Copy !req
54. - You like that?
- No!Copy !req
55. That came from the front.Copy !req
56. Okay... all right.Copy !req
57. What do you think of my valentine
for Missy?Copy !req
58. - Okay, let me...
- Will you put your glasses on?Copy !req
59. I don't need 'em. I don't need glasses.Copy !req
60. Okay, let me see... "Your move, mama."Copy !req
61. - Right?
- Interesting.Copy !req
62. Remember, I saw on your computer
that she still has a thing for me.Copy !req
63. So you're telling her
to make the next move,Copy !req
64. even though you've made no move?Copy !req
65. Exactly.
I always blow it on Valentine's DayCopy !req
66. because I try too hard.
But this year?Copy !req
67. I'm flipping the script, daddio.Copy !req
68. - A red Kangol hat?
- Burgundy.Copy !req
69. Andrew, I'm gonna be honest with you.Copy !req
70. You look...Copy !req
71. insanely good.Copy !req
72. - Like Billy Crystal at a Clippers game.
- That's exactly what I was going for!Copy !req
73. Women love Billy Crystal!Copy !req
74. Dina!Copy !req
75. - Oh, Dina!Copy !req
76. You understand! You understand!Copy !req
77. Your dad did not understand.Copy !req
78. Happy Valentine's Day!Copy !req
79. Ugh. Valentine's Day sucks!Copy !req
80. Is this trying too hard?Copy !req
81. I got it at Topman, yet it screams bottom.Copy !req
82. Top, bottom.
These are old paradigms, man.Copy !req
83. - You look like a hot hunk of cheese.
- Ah, fuck it.Copy !req
84. I'm the only out kid in the whole school.Copy !req
85. There's nobody for me
to give a valentine to.Copy !req
86. That's why I've been pushing you
to go on websites.Copy !req
87. Going online to meet someone
just feels thirsty.Copy !req
88. Yeah, thirsty for some of that bussy.Copy !req
89. Bussy? What is bussy?Copy !req
90. - It's butt pussy. You're into that, right?
- Hmm, I don't know.Copy !req
91. That's why you gotta get online, Matt.Copy !req
92. Oh! They talkin' 'bout butt pussy!Copy !req
93. If that makes you uncomfortable,
buckle up, y'all!Copy !req
94. 'Cause this is a double episode!Copy !req
95. Double the butt pussy!Copy !req
96. That's four cheeks.
Spread 'em out, bitches!Copy !req
97. God, Jay, you're so good
at the before-sex stuff.Copy !req
98. Yeah, for girls and guys, bro.Copy !req
99. Oh, yeah, I guess I'm kind of...Copy !req
100. the ultimate fuck machine?Copy !req
101. - Welcome back.Copy !req
102. Jay's about to jerk and chow his way
through our brutal course,Copy !req
103. all to become the next...Copy !req
104. Ultimate Fuck Machine!Copy !req
105. And here he goes.Copy !req
106. - First up is Booby Bridge.Copy !req
107. And... he made it!Copy !req
108. Now he's gotta get
past the Ding-Dong Pegs.Copy !req
109. Rock those cocks, dude!Copy !req
110. On to the Double Gazz...Copy !req
111. If he can just get them to cum
at the same time...Copy !req
112. - Whoo!Copy !req
113. Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
114. Jay Bilzerian is your...Copy !req
115. Ultimate Fuck Machine!Copy !req
116. God, I love fucking you both,Copy !req
117. but in such different ways.Copy !req
118. So, what are we doing for V-Day,
Jacked Galifianakis?Copy !req
119. I want a romantic dinner
and a magical night of hardcore pounding.Copy !req
120. But I wanna do
a bro CrossFit workout sessionCopy !req
121. and stuff that grape leaf.Copy !req
122. How are we supposed to share you,
you stinky little sex champ?Copy !req
123. Guys, relax. I can do you bothCopy !req
124. and give each of you the perfect
Valentine's Day.Copy !req
125. Now, who should I flop my dick
around on to dry it off?Copy !req
126. - Me, bro, me!
- No, me, Jay, me!Copy !req
127. Happy Valentine's Day, Nicky!Copy !req
128. Mmm, looks like it's just gonna be
the three of us for dinner tonight.Copy !req
129. - Did you make your mother a card?
- I'm on it.Copy !req
130. - Judd, what about you?
- Dad, your breath smells like pussy.Copy !req
131. - It always does.
- Ew, gross.Copy !req
132. Nick, your family has no boundaries!Copy !req
133. They're like Doctors Without Borders.Copy !req
134. Guys, can we just tone it down
this year for Valentine's Day?Copy !req
135. Tone it down?Copy !req
136. Nicky, Valentine's Day, it's wonderful—
It's— It's—Copy !req
137. through!Copy !req
138. Andrew,
and I don't mean this as a compliment,Copy !req
139. you look like a lesbian newsie.Copy !req
140. - Say what? You mean my Kangol hizzie?
- Oh, the hats.Copy !req
141. Why with the hats?Copy !req
142. Guys, I happen to be playing it cool
for Valentine's Day.Copy !req
143. Oh, no, I know what you're going for,
it's just the hat's awful.Copy !req
144. - I disagree, Red.
- Red?Copy !req
145. This proper topper
may not lift your skirt,Copy !req
146. but by the end of the day,Copy !req
147. Missy will be eating out of my cool,
clammy hands.Copy !req
148. I can already see the endgame.Copy !req
149. Oh, wow, what a terrific thrill!Copy !req
150. But, uh, this award really belongs to...Copy !req
151. Andrew Glouberman, my lover, my manager,Copy !req
152. and he's the cool cat with the Kangol hat!Copy !req
153. Because of my success,
I could have anyone,Copy !req
154. but I still choose Andrew. He's the one.Copy !req
155. - Please, please.Copy !req
156. But she is correct.
I did this. I did this myself.Copy !req
157. You are a real nightmare.Copy !req
158. It's the hat. He builds the character
out from the hat.Copy !req
159. Jesus!Copy !req
160. Red roses?Copy !req
161. That is so cliché.Copy !req
162. I told you
I wanted something devastating this year.Copy !req
163. I don't know what that means.
Why don't you just tell me what you want?Copy !req
164. I want you to surprise me with somethingCopy !req
165. that shows everyone
I'm the most special girl in the world,Copy !req
166. obviously.Copy !req
167. Baby, what if I got you a Nintendo Switch
and we shared it?Copy !req
168. It's Valentine's Day at Bridgeton Middle.Copy !req
169. Who's your valentine?Copy !req
170. If you don't have one,
you're probably ugly and don't know it.Copy !req
171. With me now is Lump Humpman.Copy !req
172. Lump, do you know you're ugly?Copy !req
173. My mom says my attitude is what's ugly.Copy !req
174. Hey, guys!Copy !req
175. Me and Gina are co-hosting
a Valentine's Day fiestaCopy !req
176. tonight at my mom's condo.Copy !req
177. For the record, it's not my party.Copy !req
178. You see, my mom is having a conjugal visitCopy !req
179. with this prisoner that she's pursuing.Copy !req
180. She's, like, ultimately, very relentless.Copy !req
181. - Not my party.
- Also!Copy !req
182. It's a food drive for special girls
whose moms left grocery money,Copy !req
183. - but they spent it all at Sephora!
- She bought eight different perfumes.Copy !req
184. And, Nick!Copy !req
185. You can't come
because you were a little dickCopy !req
186. to my chica, Gina.Copy !req
187. - Hello.
- Ugh. Hello, Nick.Copy !req
188. But I will leave the back door unlockedCopy !req
189. because, like, at the end of the day,
I love drama.Copy !req
190. - Good to know.
- Also, I'm, like, starving!Copy !req
191. I've been living on perfume squirts.Copy !req
192. Squirt, squirt! Step into it.
Chomp, chomp!Copy !req
193. Ooh, yeah! Liquid sex.Copy !req
194. Hi, Andrew. Nice Kangol hat.Copy !req
195. You look like—
Well, you look like my dad, actually.Copy !req
196. - We're all lookin' for a daddy.
- Hmm, no, my dad's pretty present.Copy !req
197. - Anyway, I made this valentine for you.
- Ah, that's sweet.Copy !req
198. You're a sweet kid. Hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
199. - Don't ever let this town change you.
- Okay.Copy !req
200. Well, anyway, in this valentine is
actually a homemade tissue paper collageCopy !req
201. of St. Valentine secretly
marrying a couple—Copy !req
202. I wish I had something for—
Uh-oh, what's that?Copy !req
203. I don't know, looks like you threw
something on the floor.Copy !req
204. Oh. "Your move, mama"?
Huh? What does that mean?Copy !req
205. Oh, you know what it means,
Mama Leone.Copy !req
206. If that's movin' up,
then I am most definitelyCopy !req
207. a-movin' out.Copy !req
208. Hot dang!
Billy Joel makes my bussy tingle.Copy !req
209. Okay, uh...
Lars, Caleb, these are for you.Copy !req
210. - What? She made one for everyone?
- Here you go.Copy !req
211. There's a poem inside written
by Charles, Duke of Orléans, to his wife.Copy !req
212. Holy smokes! The first known valentine!Copy !req
213. Composed in 1415!Copy !req
214. - Jinx. Buy me a sugar-free organic cola.Copy !req
215. Oh, no! She's laughing at his joke! Quick!Copy !req
216. Jump up and touch the doorjamb!
Show her your physical prowess!Copy !req
217. - Ow, fuck! My coccyx!
- Slink out!Copy !req
218. - Slink out of the room!
- I'm fine!Copy !req
219. Oh, I hope this doesn't jam my stool.Copy !req
220. - So what do I do here, just—
- Are we starting?Copy !req
221. - ... just clip this to my fucking fur?Copy !req
222. - Connie drives me crazy.
- I love big and I love hard.Copy !req
223. - I got my period—
- Oof.Copy !req
224. Then I got cramps that were truly
like a hate crime.Copy !req
225. - Mm-hmm.
- Then I threw a yogurt at my mother.Copy !req
226. It was beautiful!Copy !req
227. Tell him what happened, baby.Copy !req
228. - I mean, I don't feel like that story...
- Come on!Copy !req
229. casts me in the best light.Copy !req
230. - Well then, I'm gonna tell'm for ya, so—
- Okay.Copy !req
231. So, Jessi comes down for breakfast,Copy !req
232. and Shannon says,
"Now, that color looks nice on you."Copy !req
233. - "What about the other colors then, Mom?"
- Exactly!Copy !req
234. - It's crazy.
- That's why that yogurt neededCopy !req
235. to end up on the wall!Copy !req
236. "You like that color, Shannon?
Yogurt-on-the-wall color?"Copy !req
237. - You're crazy, girl!
- You're crazy!Copy !req
238. I can't wait till you get
your driver's license!Copy !req
239. Oh, it's gonna be epic.Copy !req
240. I just don't think a boy should have
a lady hormone monster.Copy !req
241. I mean, what does that even say about me?Copy !req
242. Well,
maybe you're one of those sensitive boys.Copy !req
243. I'm not sensitive!Copy !req
244. - Oh, damn it!
- Relax, Nipolas!Copy !req
245. Maybe it's a good thing.Copy !req
246. Connie can give you
that female point of view.Copy !req
247. - Huh. I never thought about that.
- I wish I had a lady hormone monster.Copy !req
248. Maybe she could help me get a Valentine's
date with the ghost of Whitney Houston!Copy !req
249. - Oh, you're into Whitney?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
250. But she's in love
with the ghost of Nina Simone.Copy !req
251. And Nina's in love
with the ghost of Burt Reynolds.Copy !req
252. So, you know,
Howie Long story Martin Short,Copy !req
253. they fired me from the school,Copy !req
254. and now
I'm "Walgreens Greeter Coach Steve."Copy !req
255. Not to brag,
but I've never been closer to suicide.Copy !req
256. Where do you keep the tiny bow ties?Copy !req
257. I need ten for my... plans.Copy !req
258. Did you say "tiny bow ties"
or "24-pack of Arizona Iced Tea"?Copy !req
259. - I'll find them myself.
- Okay, bye, Judge.Copy !req
260. - I love you.
- I love you, too! Who— Who said that?Copy !req
261. - Be mine.
- Oh, a beautiful red thing.Copy !req
262. Of course I'll be yours,
always and forever.Copy !req
263. Happy Valentine's Day
from Walgreens.Copy !req
264. Ho-ho! I can't wait to tell my boys
about this meet-cute!Copy !req
265. And by "my boys," I mean my eyebrows.Copy !req
266. Hey, boys! I met the woman of my dreams!Copy !req
267. Hey, where you guys going?Copy !req
268. Hey! Oof!Copy !req
269. Okay, I know how you like people
to think you're pretty but also nice—Copy !req
270. - Okay.
- So I...Copy !req
271. got you a rescue dog.Copy !req
272. - You got me a used dog?Copy !req
273. Is that what you think that I deserve?Copy !req
274. I am the wrong kind of devastated!Copy !req
275. I think I'm allergic to my Kangol hat.Copy !req
276. - It must have colophony in it.
- What's that now?Copy !req
277. It's a fabric adhesive.
I'm acutely allergic to it.Copy !req
278. - I break out in dermatitis.
- Hey, guys!Copy !req
279. Do you losers wanna play your shit music
at my lit Valentine's party?Copy !req
280. But Andrew can't come
'cause he's completely toxic!Copy !req
281. - We'll make it work.
- You're gonna play without me?Copy !req
282. - A hundred percent.
- Sorry, Andrew. The show must go on.Copy !req
283. Hey, is it too early
for me to suggest killing both of them?Copy !req
284. - You know, story-wise?
- Feels a little soon.Copy !req
285. Sorry, I'm not good with story.
I— I'm more of a joke guy.Copy !req
286. - Valentine's Day sucks.
- It sucks!Copy !req
287. But, like...
Okay, here's this crazy idea.Copy !req
288. Would it be hilarious if you and I,
just, like, as a joke, went on, like,Copy !req
289. a non-date Valentine's date?Copy !req
290. Like a deeply ironicCopy !req
291. anti-Valentine's Day,Copy !req
292. non-date date?Copy !req
293. Anti all of it!Copy !req
294. - Dinner, dancing.
- Yes.Copy !req
295. A musical number!Copy !req
296. Um, yeah, I don't know
about the musical number, though.Copy !req
297. - I don't have a great voice.
- I got you, girl. My voice is so good...Copy !req
298. How the fuck did you do that?Copy !req
299. Oy vey. Why do the good ones
always gotta be oy gay?Copy !req
300. It's a man's choice to be gay, Connie.
Please respect a man's right to choose.Copy !req
301. All right.Copy !req
302. Wait. What's that now?Copy !req
303. - Jay, slow down, there, buddy.
- Can't, I'm protein loading!Copy !req
304. - Are you, uh, eating cafeteria oysters?
- I got a big night ahead of me.Copy !req
305. I'm slurping these downCopy !req
306. 'cause I heard they make you shoot ropes
out of your dong!Copy !req
307. - Oh, God!
- Well, enjoy your meal, Jay.Copy !req
308. - What a phony.
- Yeah, we should kick his ass.Copy !req
309. - You know my theory?
- Huh?Copy !req
310. - He doesn't even need the chair.
- What?Copy !req
311. I bet he uses it to seem smarter,
like Stephen Hawking.Copy !req
312. No, Andrew,
I— I think he needs the chair.Copy !req
313. Nah, he can walk.
I think he can walk just fine.Copy !req
314. Ah, man.
This is a bad road to drive down.Copy !req
315. Go on and wish Gina
a happy Valentime's Day, come on.Copy !req
316. - Wait, did you say "Valen-time's Day"?
- Yeah.Copy !req
317. - Okay.
- It's the time of the Valen.Copy !req
318. I don't think Gina wants any part
of my time. She doesn't like me.Copy !req
319. - Oh.
- So, what's the point?Copy !req
320. The point is being a good little guyCopy !req
321. without expecting something in return.Copy !req
322. Huh. That's actually
an interesting point of view.Copy !req
323. Why can't you just admit
that I'm good for you?Copy !req
324. I don't know. Are you?Copy !req
325. Oh, please!
Don't you remember up in your bed?Copy !req
326. When you tug-a-tug-tugged
until you glug-a-glug-glugged?Copy !req
327. Connie, I don't know
if anything really happened.Copy !req
328. I certainly didn't, you know,
shoot any ropes.Copy !req
329. Oh, come on!
But you did enjoy yourself, right?Copy !req
330. Sure, it was a nice experience,Copy !req
331. but I— I may have embellished it
a little bit for your benefit.Copy !req
332. - What, you saying you faked it?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
333. - Get out of here! I would know.
- Oh, would you?Copy !req
334. - You would know?
- I would!Copy !req
335. - Are you sure about that?
- Yeah.Copy !req
336. - Oh, my God...
- What you doing, Nick?Copy !req
337. You're looking directly into my pupils.Copy !req
338. - Oh, Jesus.
- Okay, very cute.Copy !req
339. - Mm-hmm.Copy !req
340. Oh, God, this feels so good.
I'm gonna cum.Copy !req
341. - We get it.
- I'm gonna cum! Oh, my God! Oh!Copy !req
342. - It's a little overdone, don't you think?Copy !req
343. - No, don't fucking touch me. Oh, God.
- Mm, mm, mm.Copy !req
344. I'll have what he's having.Copy !req
345. A big orgasm.
That's what I'm talking about, baby.Copy !req
346. "Two hearts sharing the same beat,Copy !req
347. two bodies sharing the same feet"?Copy !req
348. What does that even mean?Copy !req
349. Oh, it's for incestuous conjoined twins.Copy !req
350. Oh, they really do have a card
for everyone here.Copy !req
351. "The only thing
that could ever separate usCopy !req
352. is a lengthy surgery
that one of us may not survive,Copy !req
353. so let's not risk it"?Copy !req
354. Am I crazy, or is that actually sweet?Copy !req
355. Nice haul, Jay!Copy !req
356. You gonna drink some protein shakes
in the dark?Copy !req
357. No, no, no. I've got two dates lined up
for Valentine's Day.Copy !req
358. Brad and Suzette.Copy !req
359. Wow, you're a real Tony Romeo.Copy !req
360. I know. It's exhausting
being the Ultimate Fuck Machine.Copy !req
361. I may have bitten off
more than I can fuck.Copy !req
362. Or maybe it's "I may have fucked off
more than I can chew"?Copy !req
363. Hey, hey, hey, Jay. Watch your language
in front of my new lady friend!Copy !req
364. - Who's that now?
- Jay, the child my best friend,Copy !req
365. please meet, constructed of merchandise,
my girlfriend,Copy !req
366. - Reese's Werther's-Spoons.
- I love you.Copy !req
367. - Wow. Hey, Steve?
- Ooh, sidebar!Copy !req
368. Do you think it's possible
we're both using inanimate objectsCopy !req
369. to avoid confronting our real issues?Copy !req
370. Hey, the only issue
I care about is the border wall.Copy !req
371. - Really?
- Keep everyone in!Copy !req
372. More friends for me!Copy !req
373. Do you think that Missy would like
this five-pound gummy bear?Copy !req
374. Or this Mylar balloon that says,Copy !req
375. - "For Christ's sake, please!"?
- What happened to playing it cool?Copy !req
376. That was a big mistake,
and you knew that.Copy !req
377. - So you can lose the hat now?
- Oh, my dear Nicholas, I wish I could,Copy !req
378. but my scalp has broken out
in a profoundly violent rash.Copy !req
379. - From the colophony.
- God, I can hear it sizzling!Copy !req
380. That's 'cause it's sizzling.Copy !req
381. Yeah, Missy cannot see this. Ooh.Copy !req
382. Not until I'm done bombarding her
with love.Copy !req
383. - Oh—
- Holy shit!Copy !req
384. The South Beach Diet makes cookies
that help with female arousal?Copy !req
385. Yes, please!Copy !req
386. "To my mommy on Valentime's Day"?Copy !req
387. What the fuck kind
of wittle-baby bullshit is this?Copy !req
388. What? I always give my mom
a Valentine's Day card.Copy !req
389. Not anymore!
I hate to break it to you, boo-boo,Copy !req
390. but you in an Oedipal arrangement.Copy !req
391. No,
the Edible Arrangements are over there.Copy !req
392. I'm not talking about honeydew-dew
on a stick.Copy !req
393. I'm talking
'bout you wanting to fuck your momma,Copy !req
394. kill your daddy, and gouge your eyes out!Copy !req
395. I don't want that!Copy !req
396. It's nice that my parents love me
and that I love them!Copy !req
397. - Isn't that the way things are suppo—Copy !req
398. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
399. Oh! Why are my nipples so swollen?Copy !req
400. I don't know, maybe it's
'cause you're thinkin' 'bout your mommy?Copy !req
401. Oh, go shut—Copy !req
402. - Whoa, sick tits, Nick!
- What?Copy !req
403. - Your shirt looks like a wedding tent.
- He probably wants me to suck 'em.Copy !req
404. The fuck? What? No, he does not!Copy !req
405. I know what we should do.Copy !req
406. Flick... Nick's... nips!Copy !req
407. - Ow!
- Super soft!Copy !req
408. - Yeah, this is fun!
- Make 'em stop! Make 'em stop!Copy !req
409. They don't need to stop!Copy !req
410. They're having fun at his expense.
That's what boys do.Copy !req
411. Boys are assholes!Copy !req
412. Guys, stop!
Why are you being so mean to me?Copy !req
413. - He having a really bad day!Copy !req
414. Nick, we were just joking around.Copy !req
415. Yeah, you're acting like a chick.Copy !req
416. I am not acting like a chick!Copy !req
417. He just a boy with breasts!Copy !req
418. Why don't you take a minute,
and we're just gonna...Copy !req
419. Keep walking backwards
while you're crying.Copy !req
420. - What the hell, Connie?
- Why— Why are you mad at me?Copy !req
421. I've never cried in front of my friends,
and only when you show up,Copy !req
422. all of a sudden,
I'm crying in front of them!Copy !req
423. - It's all right to cry!
- No, it's not!Copy !req
424. I thought it was normal!
I do it all the time!Copy !req
425. Now I'm humiliated, and—Copy !req
426. and my boobs hurt!Copy !req
427. Oh, sugar, I'm sorry! But you know what?Copy !req
428. For the tatas?Copy !req
429. You should try a little cold compress
on your nipplesCopy !req
430. - and some aloe vera—
- No!Copy !req
431. Leave me alone!Copy !req
432. I was right, a— a boy shouldn't have
a girl hormone monster—Copy !req
433. That's not true!Copy !req
434. I've had
some really shitty hormone monsters.Copy !req
435. But you, Connie,
or whatever your fucking name is—Copy !req
436. - It's Connie.
- You're the worst!Copy !req
437. - Fine! You're a little prick!
- What?Copy !req
438. Why don't you go
and have a sexy-ass Valentime's DayCopy !req
439. with your momma and your daddy
in a fuckin' three-way.Copy !req
440. The extra-small little prick condoms is
up in aisle 14!Copy !req
441. - Oh, fuck you!
- No, I'm not your mom!Copy !req
442. - I don't wanna fuck my mom!
- You wanna fuck your mom!Copy !req
443. And then, you wanna give your daddy a BJ!Copy !req
444. Happy Valentine's Day, Missy.Copy !req
445. The princess of my heart—Copy !req
446. Hold on, I sneeze in threes.Copy !req
447. - One more.
- Hey,Copy !req
448. you might be allergic
to those drug store flowers.Copy !req
449. For your information, Lars,Copy !req
450. I am allergic to my own hat.Copy !req
451. Oof, Andrew, this is, uh—
this is really... a lot.Copy !req
452. - You don't like it?
- Well, it's just— Okay, first of all,Copy !req
453. - I can't really eat these chocolates.
- She doesn't do sugar, man.Copy !req
454. You think I don't know that, Professor X?Copy !req
455. - Andrew!
- Missy,Copy !req
456. I'm the one that knows things about you.Copy !req
457. All right, just calm down.Copy !req
458. No, I'm not gonna,
'cause this is ridiculous.Copy !req
459. - Yeah!
- I know you like me, okay?Copy !req
460. Of course.Copy !req
461. So why don't you know
that you like me?Copy !req
462. - Raise the stakes!
- I will go down on you!Copy !req
463. Yes, all in!Copy !req
464. What? I don't want that!Copy !req
465. I didn't mean it literally.Copy !req
466. I meant, that's how devoted I am to you.Copy !req
467. Don't you see? That's how much I like you!Copy !req
468. Aah, Andrew! You're freaking me out!Copy !req
469. What does she even want from you?Copy !req
470. - What do you want, huh? You want money?
- Perfect!Copy !req
471. - No!
- You want cold hard cash?Copy !req
472. - Yeah, fling it at her!
- The almighty dollar.Copy !req
473. You think I give a shit about money?Copy !req
474. - Take it!
- You don't care, baby.Copy !req
475. - Take it if that's what you want.
- Just— Just stop it!Copy !req
476. - Missy! No, Missy!Copy !req
477. You cannot run from destiny!Copy !req
478. Whoa. What happened there, cowboy?Copy !req
479. He offered her money,Copy !req
480. and love isn't supposed
to be transactional.Copy !req
481. - Shut the fuck up, Caleb!
- Okay.Copy !req
482. Bye, Judd. We're leaving
for our dinner date with Nicky!Copy !req
483. - It's not a date!
- Then why did I shave my legs?Copy !req
484. And why am I sucking
on an Altoid?Copy !req
485. - Because your breath smells like pussy.
- I heard that!Copy !req
486. And not yet!Copy !req
487. - Ta-da!
- Ah, Jay-Jay, this is so romantic!Copy !req
488. Wait until you taste my flambé dessert.Copy !req
489. I made it from stuff I found
around the house.Copy !req
490. You're so 40 and such a magician.Copy !req
491. Come here,
let's make your magic wand disappear.Copy !req
492. I mean, that's not how magic works,
but yeah, yeah, yeah, you kinda get it.Copy !req
493. Oh, I can't believe I'm lifting
with my dick out.Copy !req
494. Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Can you excuse me for one moment, please?Copy !req
495. - Hey!
- Nice activewear, bro.Copy !req
496. - You could kill someone with that body.
- Yeah?Copy !req
497. Hell, yeah.Copy !req
498. Your natural goaty musk mixed
with the metal tang of these kettlebellsCopy !req
499. is making me loony tunes.Copy !req
500. Well, I uh, didn't shower today.Copy !req
501. - That's my Valentine's present to you.Copy !req
502. You spoil me, bro.Copy !req
503. Come on, buddy, let's get some reps in.
I'll spot you.Copy !req
504. Whoopsie daisy!
My hymen grew back!Copy !req
505. Isn't anyone gonna come and pop it?Copy !req
506. Uh, Brad, I need like two seconds, okay?
Can you just sit tight for a second?Copy !req
507. - Consider me clenched, bro.
- Oh, boy.Copy !req
508. - I'm tight like a wallet.
- What?Copy !req
509. I'm like a little Velcro wallet,
I'm so tight.Copy !req
510. Oh, like the one I got
on vacation last year?Copy !req
511. Yeah. Yeah, at Busch Gardens.Copy !req
512. Okay, wait a minute, what am I doing?
Uh, I gotta go.Copy !req
513. Barbara! For the love of God,
would you hurry up?Copy !req
514. I gotta be home by eight.Copy !req
515. The Knicks are playing,
and I wanna watch 'em lose!Copy !req
516. - Okay, just calm down.
- What do you want, huh?Copy !req
517. You want money?
You want cold hard cash? Huh?Copy !req
518. - Come on, Barbara!
- Stop it, Marty!Copy !req
519. I will pay you to put your jacket on.Copy !req
520. Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie.Copy !req
521. - We'll be back in an hour!
- Forty-five minutes!Copy !req
522. - Oh, God. Am I becoming my dad?Copy !req
523. Check your balls.
Are they gigantic like his?Copy !req
524. - Okay, let's not—
- Because his sack,Copy !req
525. it looks like a plastic bag
of frozen turkeysCopy !req
526. with a penis head drawn on it.Copy !req
527. - Yes, I remember.
- I see it at night when I close my eyes.Copy !req
528. What can I get for you lovely ladies
this evening?Copy !req
529. Yes, I'd like a female-prepared
tempeh steak with truffle sauce.Copy !req
530. Oh, yes.Copy !req
531. Someone was rooting around
for my truffles this morning.Copy !req
532. All right, I'll come back with some water.Copy !req
533. So, Nicky, we got you a little something
for Valentine's Day.Copy !req
534. No, that's fine.
I— I don't need anything from you guys.Copy !req
535. - Oh, come on!
- No, it's really okay.Copy !req
536. I've been warming it up for you.
There you go.Copy !req
537. Oh, you got me a basketball necklace.Copy !req
538. - A basketball locket.
- Come on, honey. Look inside.Copy !req
539. Oh, God, okay.Copy !req
540. - Huh?
- See?Copy !req
541. So we can always be close to your heart.Copy !req
542. - Aww.
- Ew!Copy !req
543. I can't believe we ended up
in the same restaurantCopy !req
544. as my mom and Cantor Dina.Copy !req
545. Ugh. I bet Dina rolls her own tampons
and has super dirty feet.Copy !req
546. Dude, they're so gross.
She won't wear shoes.Copy !req
547. I watched her pick up a scarf
with her bare foot and put it in a drawer.Copy !req
548. Ugh! I bet she's, like, so vocal at yoga.Copy !req
549. - Yeah, she lets it all out.
- And so loud when she eats your mom out.Copy !req
550. - Matthew!
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
551. It's upsetting because it's really true.Copy !req
552. - I heard them doing it this morning.
- Oh, no! Honey, come here.Copy !req
553. - It's so fucked up you had to hear that.
- Thank you so much, Matthew.Copy !req
554. I love hanging out with you.Copy !req
555. - Jessi, I feel the same way about you.
- You do?Copy !req
556. - Let's sing a song about it.
- Okay.Copy !req
557. Sorry.Copy !req
558. And I thought you didn't want to sing.Copy !req
559. Yeah, I didn't.
You booked a voice double for me.Copy !req
560. - I did, didn't I?
- You really get me.Copy !req
561. Honestly, and don't crucify me for this,Copy !req
562. - but I'm kind of impressed by your mom.
- What? Why?Copy !req
563. Well, it's hard enough to question
your sexuality in middle school,Copy !req
564. - but to do it in your sixties?
- Uh, my mom is 43.Copy !req
565. - Huh.
- Yeah.Copy !req
566. Either way, everyone deserves
a chance at love, Jessi.Copy !req
567. - Hmm. I guess.
- Even your dried-out old mom.Copy !req
568. Ta-da!Copy !req
569. Jay! I need you to sit on my back
with your bare ass!Copy !req
570. Sixty-nine...Copy !req
571. - Jay!
- Sixty-nine...Copy !req
572. I need you to saw me in half
with your 40-year-old schvantz!Copy !req
573. Fressure! Fressure!
Fressure... Fressure...Copy !req
574. Jay is feeling too much pressure.Copy !req
575. Ah! Help! Jay, help me!Copy !req
576. - Ah! Oh, my God!
- I'm on fire!Copy !req
577. - Oh shit!
- The flambé!Copy !req
578. - What do I do?
- Put me out with your cum! Obviously!Copy !req
579. Oh, no! I'm out of Jay juice!Copy !req
580. What the hell's going on in here?Copy !req
581. - Ow!Copy !req
582. Bro! Ow, bro!Copy !req
583. Oh, that's it! I can't do this anymore!Copy !req
584. - What are you saying, Jay?
- I've hurt you both,Copy !req
585. and even worse, I'm blowin' air wads.
I'm out.Copy !req
586. So, you're dumping us on Valentine's Day?Copy !req
587. I just think I have to take a break.Copy !req
588. - A— A sex break.
- Whoa.Copy !req
589. I just need some time aloneCopy !req
590. to collect my thoughts
and figure out who the fuck I am.Copy !req
591. Bro, you expect me to go cold turkey
on that spicy beef jerky?Copy !req
592. I'm sorry.Copy !req
593. I've got nothing left to jizz.Copy !req
594. Damn, Jay is in it!Copy !req
595. Love is hard!Copy !req
596. Take it from me,
a ladybug raising two stepchildrenCopy !req
597. 'cause my partner up and died!Copy !req
598. That's right!
I got stuff going on, too, y'all.Copy !req
599. - Hey, Mom.
- Jessi.Copy !req
600. - Happy Valentine's Day.
- Oh, yeah, you too.Copy !req
601. I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass
about you and Dina.Copy !req
602. Oh, no, honey. Well...Copy !req
603. Because you deserve love, Mom.Copy !req
604. Oh, Jessi. You really mean that?Copy !req
605. Of course. We all do.Copy !req
606. Sweetie, thank you.Copy !req
607. You're the best thing I've ever done.Copy !req
608. Do you want to invite Matthew over
to join us?Copy !req
609. Oh, God, no.Copy !req
610. Nobody wants to have dinner
with their parents on Valentine's Day.Copy !req
611. - So, Nicky, where's your card for Mom?
- I didn't get her one.Copy !req
612. - Oh.
- Why not?Copy !req
613. Because she's not my Valentine.Copy !req
614. And I'm not gonna...Copy !req
615. have sex with her and kill you
and stab my eyes out!Copy !req
616. - I'm just gonna...Copy !req
617. Nicky, while we are thrilled
that you're reading the Greek classics—Copy !req
618. it's wonderful—
your tone is unacceptable.Copy !req
619. You know what, Elliot?
My tone can suck a dick.Copy !req
620. - Oh, God, I'm having Judd flashbacks.
- Feels more like Leah to me.Copy !req
621. I'm not Leah!Copy !req
622. I just meant
because of your budding breasts!Copy !req
623. And how overly sensitive you are.Copy !req
624. I'm not sensitive!
I just hate your love!Copy !req
625. And I'm not gonna take it anymore!Copy !req
626. Wow, a lot of feelings.Copy !req
627. - Stop being understanding!
- Mm-hmm. I'm here.Copy !req
628. - Go fuck yourself, Diane!Copy !req
629. - I hate Valentine's Day!
- Hey, I hate Valentine's Day, too.Copy !req
630. And you know what? I hate you!Copy !req
631. I'm sick of carrying you around!
I want the surgery!Copy !req
632. And I want to stop jacking each other off!Copy !req
633. Can we still get the chocolate lava cake?Copy !req
634. And this whole prix fixe menu is a scam!Copy !req
635. Who orders dessert at the beginning
of a meal, like a serial killer?Copy !req
636. - I hate all of you! I spit in your food!Copy !req
637. Even the ones I like. It's a disorder.Copy !req
638. I can't stop! My God, I can't stop!Copy !req
639. And now I love Valentine's Day?Copy !req
640. Something on your mind, Connie?Copy !req
641. Mm, it's been a hell
of a Valentime's Day, Duke.Copy !req
642. I hear that.Copy !req
643. Are you sure about this, bro?Copy !req
644. No.Copy !req
645. Abra-cum-dabra.Copy !req
646. Ooh, Duke, that's a sad song.Copy !req
647. - Well, love is a sad business, Connie.
- Hmm.Copy !req
648. - But it sure is profitable.
- Truer words were never spoken.Copy !req
649. And now for the third act, sponsored by...Copy !req
650. Oedipal Arrangements.Copy !req
651. Your mother wants to sleep with you,
so give her some fruit!Copy !req
652. I'm actually excited to go to Lola's.Copy !req
653. Ugh, and bring
that poor blonde monster something to eat.Copy !req
654. Ooh, look, they have canned bread.Copy !req
655. Gross. Okay, I'm gonna get her a card.Copy !req
656. Ew! This is just called "Breakfast Sauce."Copy !req
657. There's no rule that says you can't have
Breakfast Sauce for night lunch.Copy !req
658. - Coach Steve?
- Welcome to Walgreens!Copy !req
659. Jessi, my friend who's a child girl,
meet Reese's Werther's-Spoons,Copy !req
660. my girlfriend who is things.Copy !req
661. - I love you.
- Oh, Coach Steve,Copy !req
662. - you deserve love, too.
- Thanks!Copy !req
663. Even if it is coming
from a collection of...Copy !req
664. - I guess, pharmacy garbage?
- Oh, my sweet Reese's,Copy !req
665. I wish people could see you
the way that I see you.Copy !req
666. I love you so much, Steve.Copy !req
667. But you know what happens at midnight.Copy !req
668. - My goldfish brain starts over?
- Exactly.Copy !req
669. Oh, my God, Michael Shannon
has his own line of Valentine's cards?Copy !req
670. I love you with all the veins in my head.Copy !req
671. Oh, it's still breathing.Copy !req
672. - That's terrifying.
- I know.Copy !req
673. I'm gonna get this for Chloe.
She would love it.Copy !req
674. Oh, is Chloe your girlfriend?Copy !req
675. That's what I tell my dad.Copy !req
676. Holy shit, uh, I think we've got one.Copy !req
677. - Are you sure?
- I don't know. Keep him on the line!Copy !req
678. Uh, I have a Chloe. Her name is Jessi.Copy !req
679. - Is she funny?
- Of course.Copy !req
680. - Is she cute?
- Who cares?Copy !req
681. - Exactly!
- Whoa! We definitely got one!Copy !req
682. Do something! Grab his arm, hard!
Kiss him on the mouth!Copy !req
683. Bang your teeth into his teeth!Copy !req
684. - Uh, what's your Insta handle?
- "Pootin on the Ritz."Copy !req
685. Does he like Russia?
Or does he like crackers?Copy !req
686. - Requested... Aiden.
- I'll follow you back...?Copy !req
687. - Matthew.
- Matthew.Copy !req
688. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
689. - Bye!
- Byeee!Copy !req
690. Whoa,
you guys are making beautiful music.Copy !req
691. - Oh, my God, it's never done this before.
- Really?Copy !req
692. Well, sometimes I wake up like this,
but then I just tuck it into my headband.Copy !req
693. See? No one can tell.Copy !req
694. Okay, I was in church choir
in fifth grade—Copy !req
695. - Wait, I— I wasn't there.
- So, listen.Copy !req
696. Okay.Copy !req
697. There was this seventh grade boy,
Austin Joseph.Copy !req
698. - Why don't I remember this?
- Because you weren't there yet, Maury!Copy !req
699. - Let me tell my story!
- But they're interviewing the both of us.Copy !req
700. Ugh. And this boy, Austin,Copy !req
701. I just knew I wanted to be, like...Copy !req
702. - close to him.
- Who— Who is it?Copy !req
703. A year later, we're driving to regionals—Copy !req
704. - Oh! Austin Joseph is AJ!
- Right?Copy !req
705. - I remember that drive. Oh, man.Copy !req
706. - Yes, we're in the back seat of the car—
- You were sitting in the middle.Copy !req
707. - And our legs kept touching.
- Thigh to thigh.Copy !req
708. And my ears were hot.Copy !req
709. And then, I told you,
"Ooh, let's buy him something."Copy !req
710. I got him a sample bottle
of Curve cologne.Copy !req
711. And then he tried to hit you.Copy !req
712. So I sprayed that Curve cologne
right in that closet case's eyes,Copy !req
713. and I ran away!Copy !req
714. Matthew's faster
than you think he's gonna be.Copy !req
715. And I've been keeping this one
at home ever since.Copy !req
716. - Not anymore.
- Um, we'll see.Copy !req
717. - Yeah, we will see.
- I guess.Copy !req
718. - Shut the fuck up!Copy !req
719. I like him more than the others.Copy !req
720. Oh, hey, Nicky.
What happened to dinner with Mom and Dad?Copy !req
721. I told them I hated their love
and then ran out of the restaurant.Copy !req
722. - Oh, good for you. It's about time.
- Really?Copy !req
723. Yeah. Mom and Dad are great,
but they're also the worst.Copy !req
724. But they love us so much—Copy !req
725. Whatever. You're becoming
your own person, and it's rad.Copy !req
726. You're just growing up.
Like your whole, hmm, nipple situation.Copy !req
727. I know! What do I do?Copy !req
728. They're so sensitive!
And I'm so sensitive!Copy !req
729. It's not a bad thing
to be a sensitive guy.Copy !req
730. - You should embrace that.
- I should?Copy !req
731. Yeah, just be careful
with your sensitive nipples.Copy !req
732. - Leah!
- Oh, you tender little bitch.Copy !req
733. Just get a cold compress
and some aloe vera.Copy !req
734. Wait a minute, aloe vera?Copy !req
735. Yeah, aloe vera!Copy !req
736. - What?
- What?Copy !req
737. - I gotta go. I gotta go find Connie!
- What? Connie? Who's Connie?Copy !req
738. - She helped me cum!
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
739. I gotta devastate Devin.Copy !req
740. I gotta find another brother
to jack me off.Copy !req
741. I gotta go apologize to Missy.Copy !req
742. No! Oh, my God, did that just go in?Copy !req
743. Did you guys see that? It went in!Copy !req
744. I have never made a shot
on the show before!Copy !req
745. Go back and watch!
I mean, finish the special first,Copy !req
746. but then go back and watch!Copy !req
747. Holy shit, it went in.Copy !req
748. All right!Copy !req
749. Two points!Copy !req
750. Boy, Nicky really let us have it,
didn't he?Copy !req
751. I think our little baby's growing up.Copy !req
752. - And becoming an asshole.
- A little bit.Copy !req
753. - It happens to all of 'em.
- They're the best,Copy !req
754. but they're also the worst.Copy !req
755. Now, let's go upstairs
and give your breath its signature scent.Copy !req
756. I for one am enjoying how much
cunnilingus is happening on this show!Copy !req
757. If everyone ate just a little more pussy,
the world would be a better place, baby!Copy !req
758. Ladybug 2020, y'all! No running mate!Copy !req
759. Cool raccoons.Copy !req
760. I originally trained them
to kill my brother,Copy !req
761. but they also cater small events
featuring farm-to-table cuisine.Copy !req
762. Sweet.Copy !req
763. - She seems nice.
- Yeah, I think she's really good for him.Copy !req
764. Hey, you gonna eat
that discarded yogurt top?Copy !req
765. No, no, go for it.Copy !req
766. Hold on... are we falling in love?Copy !req
767. Dinner is served.Copy !req
768. You know, I never bought a computer?Copy !req
769. Didn't believe in it. No regrets.Copy !req
770. Hey, guys! Oh, my God, Breakfast Sauce?Copy !req
771. Yes, please!Copy !req
772. I'mma glug this down right now.Copy !req
773. Puncture! Puncture!
Glug, glug, glug...Copy !req
774. Lola, I think that's just supposed
to be a topping.Copy !req
775. Jessi, let the girl glug.
I'm filming this.Copy !req
776. Oh, my God, am I gonna be, like, a star?Copy !req
777. - Excuse me, everybody. Excuse me.Copy !req
778. Phones out.
Yeah, it's that kind of moment.Copy !req
779. Devin, my dearest, will you...Copy !req
780. make me the happiest
middle school student in the world?Copy !req
781. Oh, my God! A million times yes!Copy !req
782. I am so devastated!Copy !req
783. - Oh, my God.
- Holy shit.Copy !req
784. - Is this for real?
- People,Copy !req
785. that's how you bring it
for Valentine's Day.Copy !req
786. Suck it, Lola.Copy !req
787. Always a child bridesmaid
and never a child bride!Copy !req
788. Glug, glug, glug!Copy !req
789. - This night is the best.
- Mmm.Copy !req
790. Ah, I get it, Maury.Copy !req
791. Sometimes it's nice
to just have a good friend.Copy !req
792. Yeah, but other times it's better
to have a good friend with benefits.Copy !req
793. - Hmm?
- Connie, will you be my valentine?Copy !req
794. Oh, Maury, that thing is covered
with genital warts!Copy !req
795. What? Oh, fuck me.Copy !req
796. I thought those were hearts.Copy !req
797. Baby, you gotta wear your glasses!Copy !req
798. - Nah, they make me look old!Copy !req
799. No, Maurice,
they make you look distinguished.Copy !req
800. - They do?
- Mm.Copy !req
801. Oh, shit!Copy !req
802. Now I'm gonna have a cold wet tush. Ugh.Copy !req
803. Oh...Copy !req
804. Most of all, thank you to my lover,Copy !req
805. my manager,
and the cool cat in the porkpie hat!Copy !req
806. Thank you. This is overwhelming.Copy !req
807. And I'd like to say to a special someone
out there...Copy !req
808. Drink my piss, Andrew Glouberman.Copy !req
809. Ta-da.Copy !req
810. Rage, rage, fucking rage!Copy !req
811. I couldn't have put it better myself!Copy !req
812. - Oh, h-hey, Gina. H-how's it going?
- Really great.Copy !req
813. It seems that somehow Lola
is my valentine this year?Copy !req
814. - Ouch.
- And my ex-boyfriend just got engaged.Copy !req
815. - Devon?
- Yup.Copy !req
816. - That's very strange.
- It really is.Copy !req
817. Well, for what it's worth,
happy Valentine's Day, Gina.Copy !req
818. You know, for what it's worth,
thanks, Nick.Copy !req
819. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go see about a monster.Copy !req
820. Oh, right. Lola is in the kitchen.Copy !req
821. Whoa, pull over, stud.Copy !req
822. You got a license for that ass?Copy !req
823. You know,
normally, I'd take you into the guest bathCopy !req
824. and just double your weight,Copy !req
825. but I'm kinda taking a break
from sex right now.Copy !req
826. Who said anything about sex?Copy !req
827. I want you to stand against the wall nude
while I eat Three Musketeers.Copy !req
828. - Uh...
- Do it, bitch.Copy !req
829. You know, I better not.Copy !req
830. But, hey, listen, I hope you find
someone as special as you are.Copy !req
831. Eat shit, prude!Copy !req
832. You know what? That's totally fair.Copy !req
833. Where is she? Is she even here?Copy !req
834. Oh, Connie! There you are!Copy !req
835. What do you want?Copy !req
836. Look, I— I've been thinking a lot
about you and me, and...Copy !req
837. I'm just not gonna fight it anymore.Copy !req
838. - Really?
- Really!Copy !req
839. I don't know why I pushed you away,
I guess...Copy !req
840. I guess I was just...Copy !req
841. scared.Copy !req
842. But, Connie, I love how you take care
of me and my tender nipples.Copy !req
843. I love how...Copy !req
844. I love how you inspire me to jack off!Copy !req
845. I love how your hair, it's like hands.Copy !req
846. I love everything about you.Copy !req
847. Because, Connie, you are the one for me.Copy !req
848. You're my Hormone Monstress.Copy !req
849. That is, of course, if—
if you'll have me.Copy !req
850. - Shh, shh, shut up.
- Connie?Copy !req
851. Shut the fuck up.Copy !req
852. - 'Cause you had me at tender nipples.
- Come here.Copy !req
853. You would have been so proud
of how I yelled at my mom and dad.Copy !req
854. Oh, honey! I was there.
I'll always be there.Copy !req
855. - Really?
- Yes.Copy !req
856. I'm your motherfucking Hormone Monstress.Copy !req
857. You know what, Connie?Copy !req
858. I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.Copy !req
859. Happy Valentime's Day, kid.Copy !req
860. Happy Valentime's Day, Connie.Copy !req
861. Well, well, well!Copy !req
862. Hey, Lars, why don't you do me a favor
and get lost, you motorized nobody.Copy !req
863. - Yeah, you drink piss!
- Andrew, stop talking to him like that!Copy !req
864. - It's okay.
- Missy,Copy !req
865. can't you see what's going on here?Copy !req
866. He's trying to steal you from me.Copy !req
867. - I'm not yours. I don't belong to anyone.
- And Missy and I are just friends.Copy !req
868. Oh, please, do not believe him.Copy !req
869. - He's just manipulating you.
- Yeah, he's a little rat liar!Copy !req
870. Look at him sitting there.
I bet he can walk!Copy !req
871. Andrew, again,
he's not lying about the chair.Copy !req
872. That's right, everyone!
He can walk, I think!Copy !req
873. - Please don't do this, Andrew.
- Come on, Tiny Tim—Copy !req
874. - Andrew!
- Time to make your fucking debut!Copy !req
875. - Get up, you liar.
- Andrew, stop it.Copy !req
876. - What are you doing?
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
877. Jesus Christ, this thing's heavy!Copy !req
878. You know what? Fuck it.
Ride or die, brother! Grab his wrists!Copy !req
879. - No, please stop.
- Andrew, stop it. Just let go of him!Copy !req
880. There's a seat belt. Get the seat belt.Copy !req
881. - No, stop it!Copy !req
882. - Oh, my goodness! Lars!Copy !req
883. Holy moly, are you okay?Copy !req
884. Jeez Louise, the optics on this.Copy !req
885. Shit, his legs didn't even buckle.Copy !req
886. Maury, I don't think this guy can walk.
Unless he's faking!Copy !req
887. - 'Cause you're a fake!
- Stop!Copy !req
888. - You just— You were logical for a second.
- This TV is fake too!Copy !req
889. - Whoa.Copy !req
890. Oh, my God. Last time I was here,
it was fake. I swear.Copy !req
891. Andrew! You sweaty turd!Copy !req
892. I'm conflicted 'cause you broke my TV!Copy !req
893. But, as I have previously mentioned,Copy !req
894. I'm all about the drama!Copy !req
895. - I think you should go, Andrew.
- Yeah, you weren't even invited.Copy !req
896. - You're ruining Valentine's Day, Andrew!
- Just get out!Copy !req
897. No, this is crazy! Missy, get your coat,
we're fuckin' going home.Copy !req
898. - You like me.
- Not anymore.Copy !req
899. - I hate you!Copy !req
900. - And I hate this stupid hat.
- Lola, no, no, no!Copy !req
901. The hat is stuck to my scalp blisters.Copy !req
902. - You suck!Copy !req
903. - Ow!Copy !req
904. You're, like, bald!Copy !req
905. Oh, God, you look just like your dad!Copy !req
906. No! No, it can't be! Bring me a mirror!Copy !req
907. Happy Valentine's Day, you bald bitch!Copy !req
908. Oh, it's shocking! And it makes sense.Copy !req
909. - You!
- Yeah!Copy !req
910. - Come here, you motherfucker!
- Yeah, get him!Copy !req
911. Why did he go after the mailbox?Copy !req
912. - Oh, Andrew, you farted!Copy !req
913. - Oh, and they're all filming!
- No!Copy !req
914. Oh, what have I done?Copy !req
915. - Missy!
- Missy!Copy !req
916. Jesus!Copy !req
917. That is some weird-ass
toxic max-sculinity.Copy !req
918. Okay, well, the first time we met—Copy !req
919. - Okay, she was with my friend, Jessi.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
920. And honestly, it didn't even cross my mind
that she was a possibility.Copy !req
921. Oh, yeah. Well, sweetheart, trust me,
I wasn't looking at you either.Copy !req
922. - Oh, look...Copy !req
923. However it happened, it happened,Copy !req
924. and, you know, it's still new.Copy !req
925. Sure, sure. It— It can be hard.Copy !req
926. Come on, it's not that hard.
I mean, we have fun.Copy !req
927. Yeah, we're fucking with his parents,
big time!Copy !req
928. Yeah, I'm putting the milk
back in the fridge,Copy !req
929. but with, like, nothing in it!Copy !req
930. - Yeah, we're having a good time.
- Yeah.Copy !req
931. But it's hard.Copy !req