1. A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIESCopy !req
2. Gena did the funniest thing
last night.Copy !req
3. I asked her what she was doing
this summerCopy !req
4. and she sent me
an ISIS recruitment video.Copy !req
5. - Ha-ha. That's funny.
- Right?Copy !req
6. Man, they're gonna be the end
of civilization.Copy !req
7. - Nick! Over here! Alley-oop!Copy !req
8. I should've filmed that.
Gena loves basketball fails.Copy !req
9. Hey, um, isn't she kind of with DeVon now?Copy !req
10. Oh, yeah. I heard they cheesed each other
in the library until it was hot fondue.Copy !req
11. - I don't think that's true.
- But they are dating.Copy !req
12. That's fine. We're friends for now.Copy !req
13. Nick is right. Even if a guy likes me,Copy !req
14. - we can still be friends.
- Totally.Copy !req
15. I'm friends with
a lot of guys that like me.Copy !req
16. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
17. Did you notice that some of the butt
is on the outside of the bathing suit?Copy !req
18. I did. You have a keen eye for detail.Copy !req
19. - How the light glints off of her mound.
- Okay. God.Copy !req
20. Nick, you're such a sucker.
Gena is using you for your friendship.Copy !req
21. - She's putting you in the friend zone.
- The friend zone is not a real thing, Jay.Copy !req
22. You mean like the J-spot?Copy !req
23. I think you mean the G-spot,
and maybe that's real?Copy !req
24. - I don't know.
- No, I mean the J-spot.Copy !req
25. All I know is,
I actually like getting to know Gena.Copy !req
26. - What?
- For real.Copy !req
27. I'm so proud of you, Nicholas!Copy !req
28. And the G-spot is very real.
Ask your mother.Copy !req
29. - She's hit mine several times.Copy !req
30. - Gross.
- Who wants a quinoa burger?Copy !req
31. Well, if lunch is almost ready,Copy !req
32. I am going to pop over
to the little boy's room.Copy !req
33. - I'm sorry I said that.
- Just pee in the pool, dude.Copy !req
34. No, Jay. That's gross.Copy !req
35. I've literally been peeing
through this entire conversation.Copy !req
36. - Jay!
- I think I'm sick. It just won't stop.Copy !req
37. - Jesus.
- I have been drinking a lot of pool water.Copy !req
38. They never keep the good drugs
in the pool house.Copy !req
39. Hark! I am the beast,
and Leah's bathing suit, 'tis the sun.Copy !req
40. - Half of her ass was in there.Copy !req
41. You should take a whiff.Copy !req
42. No! I'm not gonna do that.
Nick's whole family is out there.Copy !req
43. Come on. Did you see the wedgie she had?Copy !req
44. - That chip was dragged through the salsa.
- Oh!Copy !req
45. Wow, it sure was though, wasn't it?Copy !req
46. Come on, it's just us.
Nobody's gonna know.Copy !req
47. - Eat up, fat boy.
- Yeah, I could have a snack.Copy !req
48. - Here we go. Take a whiff.Copy !req
49. Well? What say you?Copy !req
50. It mostly just smells like chlorine,Copy !req
51. but I know that her wet naked body
was against it.Copy !req
52. Good boy. Make it personal.Copy !req
53. Leah thinks it's responsible
that you wear a UV shirt.Copy !req
54. Yes, she does,
'cause taking care of your skinCopy !req
55. means you take care of yourself.Copy !req
56. - And Leah notices that.
- And her skin is so beautiful.Copy !req
57. Yeah, the mom's skin is not bad either.Copy !req
58. - No, not the mom. Leah!Copy !req
59. - I want Leah! Hi!Copy !req
60. Oh, my God.Copy !req
61. - I'm sorry!
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
62. - Shut the door already!Copy !req
63. Okay. Oh, my God!Copy !req
64. - Holy fucking shit! What do I do?
- Finish.Copy !req
65. - Absolutely not. This is a nightmare.
- A nightmare is not finishing.Copy !req
66. - It's unhealthy.
- We've gotta get out of here.Copy !req
67. I don't see a sign anywhere that says,
"Don't jerk off to our daughter."Copy !req
68. It's implied!Copy !req
69. Well, they gotta make
this stuff clear, friend.Copy !req
70. Oh, my God.Copy !req
71. Dr. Birch, can I eat my quinoa burger
in the pool? I'm still peeing.Copy !req
72. Jay, honey,
I'm honestly a little concerned.Copy !req
73. It's nothing to worry about.
I pee once a week for half an hour.Copy !req
74. - You have no upper body strength.Copy !req
75. - Oh, my dick!Copy !req
76. I fucking love this kid.Copy !req
77. Okay, calm down, Andrew.Copy !req
78. Maybe she thought
I was just peeing against the wall.Copy !req
79. Or scratching my penis
with a very sturdy grip.Copy !req
80. - It's going to be fine.
- No, it's not.Copy !req
81. - What?
- She saw everything.Copy !req
82. - Who said that?
- She's going to tell everyone.Copy !req
83. Oh, God.Copy !req
84. - Nice tits, fat boy.Copy !req
85. Can you pass the parmigiano please?Copy !req
86. Parmigiano? Really, Shannon?Copy !req
87. - Mom, just say Parmesan.
- You're not Carmela Soprano.Copy !req
88. - What?Copy !req
89. Hey, girls. How's it... going?Copy !req
90. How's it going? Let me see.
This bitch had an affair,Copy !req
91. - and then put you in the basement.Copy !req
92. - It's going bad!Copy !req
93. - It's going fine.Copy !req
94. Cool.Copy !req
95. Well, I'm gonna go back down
to my Blues Traveler specialCopy !req
96. - on the TV guide channel.
- Let's go with saddy Daddy!Copy !req
97. - I'll come watch with you.
- Right on.Copy !req
98. So here's what you need to know
about John Popper.Copy !req
99. He wears a fishing vest,
but he doesn't fish.Copy !req
100. - Hey!
He invented the harmonica vest.Copy !req
101. - Oh.Copy !req
102. - Okay, this is a tough one.
Okay.Copy !req
103. Candy corn or peach?Copy !req
104. - Candy corn.
- Really?Copy !req
105. Yeah, they look like rotten Dracula teeth.Copy !req
106. - Okay.
- Okay. Florida...Copy !req
107. - Okay.
- ... or a steaming pile of shit.Copy !req
108. - Who took the shit?
- Someone from Florida.Copy !req
109. Oh no! It's gonna be full
of those big onion rings and bath salts.Copy !req
110. Yummy.Copy !req
111. - Yummy.Copy !req
112. Oh! This game is so fun.
I have to play it with DeVon.Copy !req
113. - Yeah. Well, it's just a game.
- Shit, we've been talking for two hours.Copy !req
114. And I left my grandmother
in that freezing cold bath.Copy !req
115. - What?
- I'm joking. Come on!Copy !req
116. - I don't know what your culture does.Copy !req
117. - Racism!
- It's not racism.Copy !req
118. No, I just wrap her up in tortillas
and put her to bed.Copy !req
119. - Okay, good.
- I do have to go though,Copy !req
120. and we didn't do any of our workbook.Copy !req
121. Do you want to come over tomorrow
and finish it?Copy !req
122. - To your place?
- Yeah.Copy !req
123. - Uh, sure, that sounds great.
- Cool.Copy !req
124. - Great.
- Yeah.Copy !req
125. - Cool.
- Honestly, I do have to get my grandmotherCopy !req
126. - out of the bath.
- I can't tell if you're jokingCopy !req
127. or you're actually abusing your grandma.Copy !req
128. I could be.
You'll find out tomorrow. Deuces!Copy !req
129. - I'm calling Elderly Protective Services.
- Bye!Copy !req
130. - Bye!Copy !req
131. I love you.Copy !req
132. I just feel like she keeps giving me
mixed signals.Copy !req
133. I know!
Is that grandma in the bathtub or not?Copy !req
134. I just wanna know if I have a chance.Copy !req
135. Well, then I'll show youCopy !req
136. - with the help of my lovely assistant!Copy !req
137. Oh, Nick! I can't believe
this is your hormone monster.Copy !req
138. - "Chance-o-meter?"
- It's the best way to tell...Copy !req
139. Okay, well, we were on the phone
for two hours. So...Copy !req
140. BOYFRIENDCopy !req
141. - All right. Make your move then!Copy !req
142. But then she mentioned her boyfriend.Copy !req
143. FRIENDCopy !req
144. Can't win. Go again.Copy !req
145. But then she invited me over
to her place to study.Copy !req
146. BOYFRIENDCopy !req
147. Hey! Either she's into you
or your house is haunted!Copy !req
148. - We ain't afraid of no ghost.
- Okay, Rick.Copy !req
149. - The movie Ghost.Copy !req
150. Oh my God, what if Leah tells her parents?Copy !req
151. What if she tells Nick?
He's going to think I'm so gross.Copy !req
152. Huh...Copy !req
153. - Yes, Leah!Copy !req
154. - [high-pitched voice] Oh, my God!Copy !req
155. What the hell was that guy?Copy !req
156. He's here.
- Who's here? Someone's here?Copy !req
157. I'm so sorry. I thought you were immune.Copy !req
158. You had survived so many humiliationsCopy !req
159. - without him showing up.
- Who?Copy !req
160. Andrew, whatever you do, don't—Copy !req
161. Maury? Maury!Copy !req
162. Who's Maury? Maury Povich?Copy !req
163. What kind of a bozo
thinks about daytime TV at night?Copy !req
164. PSAT THIS PSATURDAYCopy !req
165. Hey, what happened yesterday?
You just vanished.Copy !req
166. He knows. Leah told him.Copy !req
167. Nothing!
I agreed to reupholster my cousin's chair.Copy !req
168. - Fuck. For his wife's birthday...
- What?Copy !req
169. - ... present.
- Are you okay?Copy !req
170. I'm fine.
It's this bitch wife of my cousin'sCopy !req
171. who wants me to go buy her
now a dehumidifier.Copy !req
172. Jeez, she likes a dry room, I guess.Copy !req
173. - I'm outta here.
- Huh.Copy !req
174. So what are we doing now?Copy !req
175. I really don't want to go home.Copy !req
176. I don't know about you, but my mom is
definitely picking me up today.Copy !req
177. I left her a note.Copy !req
178. "Pick up Jay.Copy !req
179. Jay is your son.Copy !req
180. This one's Jay."Copy !req
181. Oh!Copy !req
182. Good thing this is a driving wine.Copy !req
183. Yeah, don't worry about it.Copy !req
184. - Oh, okay.
- Fuck you.Copy !req
185. - Nick, what about you?
- What am I doing...Copy !req
186. Oh, right.
Yeah, I've got a study date with Gena.Copy !req
187. Oh, right. So you can study her big boobs?Copy !req
188. Okay, she's a three-dimensional person,
Jesse.Copy !req
189. - She certainly is.
- Ha, ha, ha!Copy !req
190. - Look, we're friends.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
191. Well, then why are you dressed
like the interior of a Maserati?Copy !req
192. I'll have you know,
this jacket is very expensive.Copy !req
193. I bought it in the lobby
of Caesar's Palace.Copy !req
194. - Oh, yeah. It's baller!
- Oh, no.Copy !req
195. - That's like some Steven Seagal shit.
- Oh no!Copy !req
196. - Hey, Nick.
- The buttons are too strong.Copy !req
197. I think you're stuck. Bye!Copy !req
198. - Wow! Nick! Look at that jacket.
- You like it?Copy !req
199. - One question.
- Yeah?Copy !req
200. Do you consider yourself more fast
or more furious?Copy !req
201. - Ha! That's funny. A zinger from Gina.Copy !req
202. - Come on, man.Copy !req
203. I think we look great, baby.Copy !req
204. Heavy jacket.Copy !req
205. Hey, Jay, let me guess.
You've glued your elbows to your knees?Copy !req
206. No, I'm waiting for my mom.Copy !req
207. While you're waiting, you wanna help me
put away the band-minton equint-ment?Copy !req
208. Oh, I think it's badminton.Copy !req
209. No, this is a bad mitten.Copy !req
210. Let's go put our hands
all over a newborn babyCopy !req
211. - when we got a horrible cold.
- Whoa.Copy !req
212. I know!
This guy, he's such a bad mitten, right?Copy !req
213. Why don't you shut your fucking mustache,
you piece of shit.Copy !req
214. Hey, Mom? Have you ever done something
that you, you know, regretted?Copy !req
215. - What'd you do, you little pervert?
- Don't tell me, Andrew.Copy !req
216. Whatever you did, don't ever tell me.Copy !req
217. No, I'm just asking
if you've ever felt ashamed?Copy !req
218. I'm ashamed of everything,
it's my great shame.Copy !req
219. Don't ask your mother about shame.Copy !req
220. That's why I pay synagogue dues.Copy !req
221. So you can talk to Rabbi Poblart
if you have a problem.Copy !req
222. - But you don't pay synagogue dues.
- You're damn right! I don't!Copy !req
223. And I'm not gonna pay a dime.Copy !req
224. Not until Poblart gives up
one of his three parking spots.Copy !req
225. We wandered the desert for 40 years,
so that this man can park at a diagonal?Copy !req
226. That hooker's dead, bro.
- Estoy aqui.Copy !req
227. Grab the coins, man.Copy !req
228. Mike, Carlos, Abuela,Copy !req
229. - this is Nick.
- Hey.Copy !req
230. Nick, these are my brothers
and my grandma.Copy !req
231. Now which one is which?
I'm kidding, of course.Copy !req
232. - You must be Mike.
- Que?Copy !req
233. I've heard so much about you.Copy !req
234. Vamos a estudiar in el cuarto, Abuela.Copy !req
235. Okay, tenio seguro.Copy !req
236. What'd she say?Copy !req
237. I'm not supposed to have boys in my room,
but she says it's okayCopy !req
238. because you are a safe boy.Copy !req
239. - Aah!
- Ay, Dios mio! The Taco Bell dog.Copy !req
240. - Sorry, my room's a mess.Copy !req
241. - Sleepover.
- What?Copy !req
242. - That's just my little sister Tanya.
- Sleepover.Copy !req
243. - Sleepover!
- Tanya, what did we talk—Copy !req
244. - She's very strong.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
245. Tanya's watching
a ton of cholita wrestlingCopy !req
246. where these Bolivian women fight
in their church clothes.Copy !req
247. - Tanya, let him go!
- She's adorable.Copy !req
248. Sleepover.Copy !req
249. Your friends suck.
Your family sucks.Copy !req
250. This pharmacy sucks!Copy !req
251. - I know. My life sucks.
- You know what doesn't suck?Copy !req
252. - That lip gloss.
- I don't have enough money.Copy !req
253. Who said anything about money, honey?Copy !req
254. You got five fingers, don't you?Copy !req
255. Actually, I have four,
but that's standard animation stuff.Copy !req
256. Steal that lip gloss. Bubblegum.Copy !req
257. You mean like shoplifting?Copy !req
258. No! I mean like pharmacy stealing.Copy !req
259. - Fuck it!
- I don't know.Copy !req
260. - Fuck all these fucking fucks!
- What if I get caught?Copy !req
261. That's what makes it so exciting.Copy !req
262. Like screwing a stranger
at a minor league baseball game.Copy !req
263. - What? Ew.
- Baby steps.Copy !req
264. First, steal that lip gloss!Copy !req
265. Okay. Here we go.Copy !req
266. Smooth. Now walk to the door, be cool.Copy !req
267. Yeah, smile. Not that big.Copy !req
268. Head down. Don't look her in the eye.Copy !req
269. Don't look away.
All right, now get out!Copy !req
270. Get the fuck out! Go! Move!Copy !req
271. I'm out!Copy !req
272. Well, how do you feel?Copy !req
273. I feel... I feel amazing.Copy !req
274. - Is this how men feel?
- All the time!Copy !req
275. - Even the ugly ones.
- Mm.Copy !req
276. Bubblegum.Copy !req
277. Bubblegum!Copy !req
278. So what's the difference
between a mutation and an adaptation?Copy !req
279. It's funny you ask,Copy !req
280. - because I don't know and I don't care.
- Okay, we literally just sat down.Copy !req
281. I know, but all this stuff
is on Planet Earth on Netflix.Copy !req
282. It's gonna be so much more fun to watch it.Copy !req
283. It's like science class
without all that pesky reading.Copy !req
284. Because technically, I am,
you know, illiterate.Copy !req
285. Coach Steve.Copy !req
286. Yeah, we don't have Netflix.Copy !req
287. You don't have Netflix?
That's impossible.Copy !req
288. I mean, from Roku to Apple TV
to your home computer,Copy !req
289. Gena, streaming on Netflix
has never been easier.Copy !req
290. - This Netflix. It sounds expensive.
- Ha-ha.Copy !req
291. You'd think so, but it's not, Gena.Copy !req
292. And best of all,
you get five unique user profiles,Copy !req
293. or I could just give you
my password for—Copy !req
294. SCENE REDACTEDCopy !req
295. The female bird fails to seeCopy !req
296. this beta male as a potential mate.Copy !req
297. Ah!Copy !req
298. But the beta has an evolutionary trick
up its sleeve.Copy !req
299. Nick, you're like that bird, bro.Copy !req
300. Yeah, trying to get with our sister.
That fucking jacket.Copy !req
301. - Callete la boca!
- If I'm that bird,Copy !req
302. you guys are those two possumsCopy !req
303. - eating bugs out of each other's butts.Copy !req
304. - Gena, I like this little dude.
- Yeah, me too.Copy !req
305. Your jacket's working.Copy !req
306. And so the two birds begin to fuck.Copy !req
307. Sleepover.Copy !req
308. Rabbi Poblart,
what does Torah say about sin?Copy !req
309. My dear Andrew,Copy !req
310. what's a sin is the parking situation
at the synagogue.Copy !req
311. - I'm sorry. I don't—
- My adult son, Leo,Copy !req
312. should park on the street
like a common criminal?Copy !req
313. I was talking about masturbation.Copy !req
314. People are masturbating
in the parking spaces now?Copy !req
315. - No.
- Is it Leo?Copy !req
316. - What?
- He's very nervousCopy !req
317. about going on Fish Tank,Copy !req
318. which is the Jewish version of Shark Tank.Copy !req
319. I just want to talk to you, Rabbi,
about how I feel ashamed of who I am.Copy !req
320. Shame? Nay, nay.Copy !req
321. Jews, we do not feel shame.Copy !req
322. We feel guilt.
Like how you should feel guiltCopy !req
323. for not investing
in Leo's business venture:Copy !req
324. Wigs for religious dogs.Copy !req
325. - But I don't have any money.
- Neither, my friend, does Leo.Copy !req
326. If you want to talk shame,
go to the Catholics.Copy !req
327. If you want to talk dog wigs,Copy !req
328. - go to Leo.
- What?Copy !req
329. But do not go alone,
for one should have fear of Leo.Copy !req
330. - Hey, we broke our record.
- Yeah!Copy !req
331. Hey, I'm sorry my mom is so late
picking me up.Copy !req
332. She's probably, you know,
at the kids store buying my feed.Copy !req
333. That's something moms do, right?Copy !req
334. Yeah, real mom stuff. Totally understand.Copy !req
335. 'Cause my mom,
she would feed me too, you know? So...Copy !req
336. But hey, we're having fun, right?Copy !req
337. - Yeah!
- You wanna see a magic trick?Copy !req
338. I don't know.Copy !req
339. Okay, check it out.Copy !req
340. - Why did you do that?
- Wait! What do you mean?Copy !req
341. I don't know. I didn't like that.Copy !req
342. It's okay. It's not real.Copy !req
343. It's not?Copy !req
344. - No! It's a trick, see?
- A trick?Copy !req
345. I mean I'm not supposed
to reveal my secret,Copy !req
346. but look, the shuttlecocks's now
right up my sleeve.Copy !req
347. - Wow!
- Yeah.Copy !req
348. I can't believe you would break
The Magician's Code for me.Copy !req
349. I mean that's like
something you would do...Copy !req
350. for a friend?Copy !req
351. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
352. - Yeah, we're friends!
- Best friends.Copy !req
353. - Sure! Fuck everybody else!
- Eh!Copy !req
354. My best friend is an adult man!Copy !req
355. And my best friend is an unclaimed child!Copy !req
356. I hope your mom never picks you up, Jay.Copy !req
357. - How was your day, sweetie?
- Hi.Copy !req
358. - What's on your lips?
- Bubblegum lip gloss.Copy !req
359. Where'd you get that?Copy !req
360. - Missy gave it to me.
- I didn't know Missy wore lip gloss.Copy !req
361. She doesn't.
That's why she gave it to me.Copy !req
362. Nice. Now lie to her
for no fucking reason whatsoever.Copy !req
363. By the way, that new mac and cheese
restaurant is finally open.Copy !req
364. Ooh! Mac and cheese.Copy !req
365. - Do you wanna go?
- Nope.Copy !req
366. Hah!Copy !req
367. Uh... Forgive me, Father,Copy !req
368. for I was looking at my best friend's
sister's bathing suitCopy !req
369. and I fell prey to masturbation.Copy !req
370. Got it. Do five Our Fathers.Copy !req
371. - Uh, that's it?
- That's it.Copy !req
372. I'm sorry... That's Catholicism?Copy !req
373. Wait, are you not Catholic?
- If you must know, I'm Jewish.Copy !req
374. Oh... Jewish!
- What does that mean?Copy !req
375. I'm not surprised you're in here
trying to get advice for free.Copy !req
376. Oh, okay.Copy !req
377. You want to trade in stereotypes,
old man?Copy !req
378. Well, I bet you,
I bet you have sex with little boys.Copy !req
379. - Old man? I'm 32!
- Big wow!Copy !req
380. - I've boned down with grown ass women.
- Oh, who cares?Copy !req
381. - Divorcees.
- You're disgusting.Copy !req
382. You doubt me, man?
I got a picture of panties right here.Copy !req
383. - I'm out of here.
- Don't you go anywhere.Copy !req
384. It's from a couple of weeks ago. Hold on.Copy !req
385. - I'm not waiting for the picture.
- Yep, see that? Look at that.Copy !req
386. You tell me I fuck little boys.Copy !req
387. - Those are shorts.
- These are shorts.Copy !req
388. I'm looking at it now.
I see that they're shorts.Copy !req
389. I can't believe I waited around
for a fucking priestCopy !req
390. to show me a pantie picture.
I'm out of here.Copy !req
391. You know what? If I did fuck little boys,
you wouldn't be one of them.Copy !req
392. A lot of adult men would be attracted
to me and this big can of mine.Copy !req
393. What a jerk.Copy !req
394. - I just want to feel better.Copy !req
395. You'll never feel better.Copy !req
396. Stop it!
- You're ratchet!Copy !req
397. Leave me alone.Copy !req
398. You should be ashamed of yourself,
you sinful little creature!Copy !req
399. I just wanted to touch myself in public.
Is that so wrong?Copy !req
400. Stop quoting
your friend's dad's law commercials.Copy !req
401. Cramps.
How can a child be in such bad shape?Copy !req
402. Thank goodness. I made it.Copy !req
403. - Congratulations.Copy !req
404. - Who are you?
- Who, I?Copy !req
405. Andrew, I'm the Shame Wizard, of course.Copy !req
406. - The Shame Wizard?Copy !req
407. [high-pitched voice]
The Shame Wizard!Copy !req
408. Oh!Copy !req
409. Yes, Andrew,
and I've been waiting for you.Copy !req
410. - You have?
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
411. - Oh, God.
- Surely you knew I was coming.Copy !req
412. I didn't. I wouldn't—Copy !req
413. Now come with me, young man.Copy !req
414. I'm taking you to that
new mac and cheese restaurant.Copy !req
415. - Really?
- Nope.Copy !req
416. - Where am I?
- All rise.Copy !req
417. - Shame Court is now in session.
- What?Copy !req
418. The honorable Shame Wizard presiding.Copy !req
419. - Shame Court?
- Silence!Copy !req
420. Thus begins the trial
of Andrew GloubermanCopy !req
421. who stands accused
of being a loathsome little pervert.Copy !req
422. That was really fun.Copy !req
423. - My family really likes you.
- I don't know if you noticed,Copy !req
424. but I think Tanya might wanna
have a sleepover.Copy !req
425. That might be fun.Copy !req
426. I'll only do it if I can take an ice bath
with your grandma.Copy !req
427. This is your big chance, Nick.Copy !req
428. Eat her chin! Pinch her in the butt.Copy !req
429. - Hey G.
- Hey D!Copy !req
430. - D's here.
- Cool jacket.Copy !req
431. I think my uncle had the same one
when he was Sinbad for Halloween.Copy !req
432. I think it's kind of weird
that you're that close to your uncle.Copy !req
433. My dad wasn't around,
but I'm just wanna be that guy.Copy !req
434. There's nothing I can say back to that.Copy !req
435. - Okay, ha-ha.
- All right.Copy !req
436. Nick, looks like your bus is here.Copy !req
437. Thanks again. I had fun.Copy !req
438. - Yeah. Me, too.
- Bye.Copy !req
439. Bye.Copy !req
440. Oh no! This bus can't slow down...Copy !req
441. the matriots, baby.Copy !req
442. - Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
443. over the millennia,Copy !req
444. I have seen many good people
do terrible things,Copy !req
445. but the State shall proveCopy !req
446. that Andrew Glouberman
didn't do a bad thing...Copy !req
447. - Yeah.
- [high-pitched voice] He is a bad thing!Copy !req
448. Objection.Copy !req
449. Oh, thank God, Maury.
You're here.Copy !req
450. Are you my lawyer?Copy !req
451. - Am I your lawyer?
- Oh, please—Copy !req
452. Seriously, am I your lawyer?Copy !req
453. I was told we were going
to a new mac and cheese restaurant.Copy !req
454. How does the defendant plead?Copy !req
455. Not creepy, your honor.Copy !req
456. I'm sorry. I couldn't find a sitter.Copy !req
457. One, two, three...
I'm missing a dick.Copy !req
458. Everyone, check their butts.Copy !req
459. I am so screwed.Copy !req
460. Hey kid, this is your stop.Copy !req
461. The Friend Zone?Copy !req
462. No, I don't want to get off here.Copy !req
463. Well, I could take you to the Alone Zone,Copy !req
464. but that's just a tent
where you jerk off to vacation photosCopy !req
465. - of your ex on Facebook.
- What?Copy !req
466. They serve microwave nachos
and it's freezing in there.Copy !req
467. Okay, I'll get off here.Copy !req
468. FRIEND ZONECopy !req
469. Welcome to the Friend Zone.Copy !req
470. This will vibrate when Gena's ready
to be more than friends.Copy !req
471. It never vibrates.Copy !req
472. Over here is the grey area,Copy !req
473. where people parse the meaning
of ambiguous texts.Copy !req
474. So there are two exclamation points,
but then the Emoji with no mouth.Copy !req
475. So does he want to hang out tomorrow?
Why doesn't he just say that?Copy !req
476. Or does he wanna hang out
when he's back from his trip?Copy !req
477. And is there even a trip?Copy !req
478. Oh God, this is sad.Copy !req
479. You know what, actually, scroll up
to that text where he calls you "dude."Copy !req
480. That's what we should focus on.Copy !req
481. - I got to get out of here.
- Yeah, good call.Copy !req
482. Look, there's the Fuck Zone.Copy !req
483. Let's roll over there, baby.Copy !req
484. FUCK ZONECopy !req
485. Oh my God!Copy !req
486. We can still make it.Copy !req
487. Rick, just stop.Copy !req
488. What are you gonna do?Copy !req
489. - Oh, God.
At least my crotch is okay.Copy !req
490. I'm Andrews father's associate, Susan.
He masturbates to me every night.Copy !req
491. Objection! He masturbates to her
during the day as well.Copy !req
492. Oh God. I need outside counsel.Copy !req
493. I am VIP Cam Girl.Copy !req
494. All day I deal with pervert,Copy !req
495. but Andrew, he is most pervert.Copy !req
496. - Can I smoke from my vagina?
- No!Copy !req
497. Andrew let me do it.Copy !req
498. - Jesus Christ.
- I was curious about the mechanics of it.Copy !req
499. He singled me out.Copy !req
500. He separated me from my partner.Copy !req
501. That's what they do, you know?Copy !req
502. And then he used me like an object.Copy !req
503. I mean, obviously I am an object,
but for feet, not for...Copy !req
504. There, there. It's all right.Copy !req
505. I'm sorry, can I...Copy !req
506. Can I smoke from my vagina?Copy !req
507. Of course. Please.Copy !req
508. He was my brother's best friend.Copy !req
509. We treated him like family.Copy !req
510. And in kind, he honored that?Copy !req
511. No! He jerked off all over the house!Copy !req
512. Jerked off?Copy !req
513. And to think,Copy !req
514. - you were going to take him to Hamilton.
- She was?Copy !req
515. And then I was maybe
going to take him to Starbucks.Copy !req
516. No! The ideal date!Copy !req
517. Thank you, Leah.Copy !req
518. The prosecution would now
like to call its final witness.Copy !req
519. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
520. Andrew Glouberman!Copy !req
521. - Oh dear God!Copy !req
522. It was in my own butt.Copy !req
523. - You scared me!Copy !req
524. Buddy, I'm not mad. I was just worried.Copy !req
525. Hey Mom.Copy !req
526. Sorry, I'm late.Copy !req
527. That's okay.
I had a great time with my new friend.Copy !req
528. You got a super-duper kid,
Mrs. Jay's mom.Copy !req
529. Thank you, Mister...Copy !req
530. It's Steve. Mr. Coach Steve-Steve.Copy !req
531. - You can call me Coach Steve.Copy !req
532. Well, any friend of Jay's
is a friend of mine, Steve.Copy !req
533. Another friend?
When it rains, it pours.Copy !req
534. - Bye-bye, Coach Steve.
- Bye-bye, Mrs. Jay's Mom-Mom.Copy !req
535. Hey, let's buy a dog from a puppy millCopy !req
536. and say we got it from a shelter.Copy !req
537. No! I just made two new friends.Copy !req
538. I don't need you anymore, Bad Mitten.Copy !req
539. Oh you're dead, Steve.Copy !req
540. I'm going to kill you before you lose
your virginity next episode.Copy !req
541. Whoa! You don't like spoilers?Copy !req
542. Well, let me explain this to you.Copy !req
543. I'm not a good mitten.Copy !req
544. I'm a bad mitten.Copy !req
545. Still don't think I'm a bad mitten?Copy !req
546. Then stick around
and watch me fuck this dead bird.Copy !req
547. Mr. Glouberman!Copy !req
548. Don't tell a little kid
about mac and cheese restaurant.Copy !req
549. - Why would you promise that?Copy !req
550. Andrew, my boy,Copy !req
551. we've heard but a fraction
of the many wretched things you've doneCopy !req
552. - in your pathetic life.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
553. And now I only have one question...Copy !req
554. Do you believe you're a good person?Copy !req
555. - I think—
- I will remind you that you're under oath!Copy !req
556. - I wanna be a good person.
- Do you?Copy !req
557. Because I believe you wish to drench
this entire planet in your rotten jizz.Copy !req
558. Isn't that true, Mr. Glouberman?Copy !req
559. No, that's a half truth!Copy !req
560. May the records show that
the defendant has a poorly timed erection.Copy !req
561. - Do not write that down!Copy !req
562. - You got a boner from this?
- There is no denying it.Copy !req
563. You are irredeemable.Copy !req
564. I know that. Don't you think I know that?Copy !req
565. I have no self-control.Copy !req
566. I could jerk off to anything in here.
I could jerk off to all of you.Copy !req
567. I'll probably jerk off
to this whole experience.Copy !req
568. Why is that?Copy !req
569. - Because I'm a creep, okay?
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
570. - I'm a pervert!
- Yes, Andrew.Copy !req
571. And maybe at the end of the day,
I'm just a bad person.Copy !req
572. Yes! You're a bad person!Copy !req
573. And not a great guy at all.Copy !req
574. You're just reshuffling the words.Copy !req
575. Oh God, what have I done?Copy !req
576. Guilty!Copy !req
577. Andrew! Stop judging yourself.Copy !req
578. No!Copy !req
579. I'm a not great guy.Copy !req
580. She deserves it, and so do we.Copy !req
581. We totally do.Copy !req
582. GENA
Heyyy... I think I like like you.Copy !req
583. And if you don't like me like that
I don't know if we can be friends.Copy !req
584. - I'm sorry, Andrew.
- It's okay.Copy !req
585. No, I made in the crate.Copy !req
586. Shut up, Maurice.Copy !req
587. Don't you see he's mine now? You both are.Copy !req
588. Okay, it's just that it's caked to my fur.Copy !req
589. Grr!Copy !req
590. Arvind VishwakarmaCopy !req