1. Remember that time I tried to wash you,
and you were just like wet for three days?Copy !req
2. - So wet.
- Sopping wet.Copy !req
3. Yeah, and like, so moldy?Copy !req
4. - Um, jealous much, bitch?
- What?Copy !req
5. God, I'm crushing on you so hard, Jay.
I never should've left.Copy !req
6. - Huge mistake.Copy !req
7. All right, y'all.
This is far north as I'm headin'.Copy !req
8. Jay, let's go.Copy !req
9. Jay, wait. The truck driver...Copy !req
10. - He uses me...
- Oh God! For sex?Copy !req
11. - For lumbar support.
- Huh?Copy !req
12. And he has truck driver farts.
And all he eats is Arby's and Ritalin.Copy !req
13. Please, Jay, don't leave me.Copy !req
14. Oh, shit. Everybody wants me.Copy !req
15. God, this is a real Sofa's Choice.Copy !req
16. - Sophie's Choice.
- What? No, it's a sofa's—Copy !req
17. Okay, this is insane. I am a real person.Copy !req
18. That is a pillow.Copy !req
19. - Uh, you're right.
- Yeah.Copy !req
20. Pam, I'm so sorry,Copy !req
21. - but I really like Jessi...
- I see.Copy !req
22. And I need to see where this goes.Copy !req
23. Well... good luck, Jay.Copy !req
24. I guess we'll always have that time
in your mud roomCopy !req
25. when your pit bull featuring Ludacris
licked your toesCopy !req
26. - right as we climaxed together.
- That was intense.Copy !req
27. What the fuck am I doing?Copy !req
28. - Goodbye, Pam.
- Bye, Jay.Copy !req
29. Scorpion,
you take care of your mom out there.Copy !req
30. Hey, just to be clear,Copy !req
31. that time in the mud room,
that was before we kissed.Copy !req
32. - Don't worry about it.
- Since then, I've only been with you.Copy !req
33. - And my bath mat.
- Oh, God!Copy !req
34. - You don't need to tell me this.
- You know?Copy !req
35. I should just read to you
from my jerk off journal.Copy !req
36. - No... Jay!
- January 8th,Copy !req
37. I woke up with a boner
that could cut glass.Copy !req
38. Argh!Copy !req
39. Neither one of them is answering texts,Copy !req
40. and my mom says Jessi's parents
are full-on freaking out.Copy !req
41. It is weird that they're both missing.Copy !req
42. - You don't think they're together, do you?
- Jessi hates Jay.Copy !req
43. You never heard of a little thing
called hate fucking?Copy !req
44. - What?
- Like that show Moonlighting.Copy !req
45. Cybill Shepherd,
my college roommate, Bruce Willis.Copy !req
46. Bruce Willis went to college?Copy !req
47. It's a three-week program.Copy !req
48. - So it's not college.
- No, it's called college.Copy !req
49. Looks like your uniform's getting
a little tight there, bud.Copy !req
50. Ha! It must've shrunk
in the dryer little.Copy !req
51. Oh, you've blossomed,
and your meat has become girthy.Copy !req
52. And my uniform seems
to have gotten bigger somehow?Copy !req
53. - Is that even possible?
- You could wear it as a nightshirt.Copy !req
54. All right. Here we go, team.
Big game today.Copy !req
55. You guys are gonna hear
a lot of trash-talk out there.Copy !req
56. Moron, shitbag.Copy !req
57. You, Coach Steve, we're talking to you.
Not the kids.Copy !req
58. - You moron shitbag.
- What?Copy !req
59. Okay, that's the pep talk.
Let's go do basketball.Copy !req
60. Andrew, I need you to gobble up
those sports, big man,Copy !req
61. because boy, oh boy,
you are a big man, you boy.Copy !req
62. Am I really that big?Copy !req
63. Perhaps this will tell of your girth.Copy !req
64. Ooh, tough one.Copy !req
65. Well, it's a deeply humiliating
start to the seasonCopy !req
66. as Bridgeton Middle is getting trounced
by a team with two black kids.Copy !req
67. - Ooh! No offense, Missy.
- Some taken, yeah.Copy !req
68. - Damn it!Copy !req
69. When did everyone get so tall?Copy !req
70. When their glands released
androgens and hormones,Copy !req
71. triggering puberty related growth spurts.Copy !req
72. Or maybe they drank a ton of milk.Copy !req
73. That's what I did, even though
I'm violently lactose intolerant.Copy !req
74. If I just smell milk, I puke diarrhea.Copy !req
75. - Argh!
- You're the man, Nick.Copy !req
76. You're doing awesome.Copy !req
77. - Are you blind?
- I mostly just see shapes.Copy !req
78. Andrew! Get in the paint!Copy !req
79. They're all sweaty
and slimy to the touch.Copy !req
80. Use your freakishly large body
for some good!Copy !req
81. He's like Andre the Giant
with none of the charisma.Copy !req
82. - Yeah, throw some elbows, big man.
- Stop calling me big man!Copy !req
83. If you have a pair of binoculars,
you may notice Nick Birch,Copy !req
84. a squirrel of a boy dribbling the ball
across half court.Copy !req
85. Son-of-a-bitch!Copy !req
86. Hey, Nick, don't be so hard on yourself.Copy !req
87. You know, we may have lost by 26,Copy !req
88. but nobody called me a name.Copy !req
89. Hey! Coach Steve! You're a shitbag!Copy !req
90. Okay, I jinxed it. That one's on me.Copy !req
91. Did somebody bring a Go-Gurt in here?Copy !req
92. And the Go-Gurt burglar
strikes again.Copy !req
93. So, she emptied her piggy-bankCopy !req
94. took some clothes
and didn't come home last night?Copy !req
95. Sounds like a classic run away there, ma.Copy !req
96. Any problems in the home life
there here now, ma'am?Copy !req
97. Well, we are separating.Copy !req
98. Because she cheated on me
with a woman.Copy !req
99. A woman who listens to me,Copy !req
100. and doesn't have to put on
PornHub to have sex.Copy !req
101. Father uses PornHub...Copy !req
102. - not Brazzers.
- Brazzers got two Z's.Copy !req
103. - Don't write that down.
- What's that have to do with our daughter?Copy !req
104. A lot of daughters end up on Brazzers.Copy !req
105. - Jesus Christ.
- Oh, Jesus!Copy !req
106. No tears. It's a paid site.Copy !req
107. Jesus Christ, Dumont,
you gotta work on your bedside manner.Copy !req
108. Folks, we're gonna find
your dead daughter.Copy !req
109. - Question.Copy !req
110. You got a pair of her panties
for the cadaver dogs?Copy !req
111. Where is our girl?Copy !req
112. These pooches take a wiff of genitals,Copy !req
113. they'll find her faster
than when it's Milk-Bone day.Copy !req
114. - I sucked today.
- You did great, man.Copy !req
115. I couldn't get a shot off. I'm too small.Copy !req
116. You smell great.Copy !req
117. I said, I'm small, not growing.
Is there something wrong with me?Copy !req
118. No, man, you need to relax.Copy !req
119. Maybe you should, you know...Copy !req
120. - What?
- You know...Copy !req
121. What is that? Grind fresh peppers?Copy !req
122. No! Masturbate!Copy !req
123. - But, I like your instinct.
- Oh!Copy !req
124. I've never really done that before.Copy !req
125. Go for it, Nick. It'll be a hoot!Copy !req
126. You're so positive, man.
I respect that about you.Copy !req
127. Okay, let's see.Copy !req
128. Ouch! Nick, that doesn't feel right.Copy !req
129. You trying to give
your dick an Indian burn?Copy !req
130. It's not working.Copy !req
131. - This doesn't feel good.
- Oh, you're doing great!Copy !req
132. Twist harder and faster,
and flick your balls.Copy !req
133. - Don't listen to him!
- You're gonna break your dick, Nick!Copy !req
134. Now, pull your hands apart real fast,
like you're opening a telescope.Copy !req
135. Don't you dare!
- Everybody shut up!Copy !req
136. Nick!
You're gonna cum blood!Copy !req
137. Shut up! Whatever is supposed
to be happening isn't happening.Copy !req
138. That was legendary, Nick.Copy !req
139. And always remember,
if it's numb,Copy !req
140. use your thumb.Copy !req
141. Put my thumb in my urethra?Copy !req
142. What are you gonna do?Copy !req
143. Andrew, you've hardly touched
your salami and eggs.Copy !req
144. What's wrong?
Are you worried about Jay and Jessi?Copy !req
145. Oh, please. It's been 48 hours!Copy !req
146. We need to move on as a community.Copy !req
147. What this one should be worried about
is his ineffectiveness as a big man.Copy !req
148. - What a waste of length.
- Enough of the big man stuff, okay?Copy !req
149. Well, you are big! I mean, look at you.
You're the size of an uncle.Copy !req
150. I'm just trying to blend in and be normal.Copy !req
151. Normal?
You're a 12-year-old with a mustache.Copy !req
152. - Marty!
- Argh! Look at that thing!Copy !req
153. I can't eat.Copy !req
154. Is nobody gonna eat their salami and eggs?Copy !req
155. - Barbara, we gotta fix him.
- Fix me?Copy !req
156. - I don't know about this, Marty.
- He's too young to have a mustache.Copy !req
157. It just seems cruel.Copy !req
158. - Whoa! What the hell are they doing?
- They're waxing my lip.Copy !req
159. - Jesus!
- Help, Maury.Copy !req
160. I'm gonna call a friend of mine
to take care of this.Copy !req
161. I'll hold his head, you rip the thing off.Copy !req
162. - Bruce Willis, please.
- Mom, you don't have to do this.Copy !req
163. He's in asshole jail?Copy !req
164. I'm sorry, Andrew...Copy !req
165. Then how was he in
the last Expendables movie?Copy !req
166. Oh, they shot the whole movie in the jail?Copy !req
167. Right, 'cause they're all assholes.
Yeah, that makes sense.Copy !req
168. - Do it!Copy !req
169. No!Copy !req
170. My boy. Look how they massacred my boy.Copy !req
171. Mom, why would you do that?Copy !req
172. Oh, my poor baby.Copy !req
173. For some reason, now I'm starving.Copy !req
174. I'll kill you.
Not if I kill you first.Copy !req
175. Oh, you'll kill me?
I'll kill you so hard.Copy !req
176. Jay, this place is scary.Copy !req
177. I can't believe
I've been dealing Oxycotin with a liar.Copy !req
178. Hey! Knock it off!Copy !req
179. You're freaking out
my very serious girlfriend!Copy !req
180. Sorry about that, sir.
Sorry, sir.Copy !req
181. Sorry I called you my girlfriend.
I don't know what it is.Copy !req
182. I just, I want to protect
the shit out of you.Copy !req
183. No, it was okay.Copy !req
184. I weirdly kind of don't mind
the idea of being your girlfriend.Copy !req
185. If that's still what you want.Copy !req
186. - Yeah. A real life girlfriend?
- Yeah, I'm alive.Copy !req
187. - Who's not a pillow?
- I'm not a pillow.Copy !req
188. - Or a bath mat?
- Neither of those things.Copy !req
189. - That's a good thing, right?
- It should be.Copy !req
190. Oh, yeah, I'm 40.Copy !req
191. Wait, what? You're 13.Copy !req
192. No, you know, in my brain,
for this, I'm 40.Copy !req
193. - Okay, see, the thing is, like...
- I'm a grown man.Copy !req
194. I'm 13, so, your fantasy about being 40
kind of makes this...Copy !req
195. - No!
- Like, super illegal and gross—Copy !req
196. - No!
- and I'm not interested in that.Copy !req
197. I understand what you're saying,
but you're consenting.Copy !req
198. No, I could never give my consent
to a 40-year-old man.Copy !req
199. - That's the whole point.
- You're making a bigger deal out of this.Copy !req
200. This is just like
a Roman Polanski situation.Copy !req
201. - Yeah, he's a rapist. He raped a child.
- No, but I didn't give you a lewd.Copy !req
202. If you're 40, that makes you a pedophile.Copy !req
203. What? No! I'm not a—
Goddamnit, Jessi!Copy !req
204. Why won't you let me
be a 40-year-old magicianCopy !req
205. with a white gold Rolex?Copy !req
206. Because you're not, you psycho!Copy !req
207. - I am not a psycho!Copy !req
208. You sound like a psycho.
- I took that test,Copy !req
209. and it was negative!Copy !req
210. It's so smooth, like a dried dolphin.Copy !req
211. Don't touch it, okay? I'm hideous.Copy !req
212. I'm a big hairy beast.Copy !req
213. Well, at least you can grow hair.
I'm like a Tic Tac with shoes.Copy !req
214. Are we just a couple of freaks?Copy !req
215. No! You're the man!Copy !req
216. - Nick?
- Yeah?Copy !req
217. Do you remember when that fish stick
fell behind the fridge,Copy !req
218. and it was covered in hair and fungus,Copy !req
219. - and then we put a googly eye on it?
- I do.Copy !req
220. I'm quite certain
that fish stick is behind you.Copy !req
221. - You're the man.
- What the hell is that?Copy !req
222. And you're also the man too, as well.Copy !req
223. - That's my hormone monster.
- That's your guy?Copy !req
224. Oh, no, Nick.
Maybe there is something wrong with you.Copy !req
225. That's what I've been saying! I need help.Copy !req
226. What about your guy? Maury?
Maybe I can switch or something.Copy !req
227. No, you don't want Maury.Copy !req
228. - He's the worst.
- What was that now?Copy !req
229. - I thought we had fun together.
- Fun?Copy !req
230. My father waxed my lip
because you made me so grotesque.Copy !req
231. - I hate you.
Ouch.Copy !req
232. Thanks, Rick.
I thought it was pretty harsh, too.Copy !req
233. No, my horn unraveled.Copy !req
234. What are you gonna do?Copy !req
235. Ha-ha! Guy makes me laugh.
He's like Tracy Morgan.Copy !req
236. I don't know if he knows he's being funny,
but he's fucking funny.Copy !req
237. What happened?Copy !req
238. We started kissing and he freaked out.Copy !req
239. - The kid's a little weirdo.
- Yeah, he's nuts.Copy !req
240. And you like him!
Why you like a little weirdo?Copy !req
241. I don't know!Copy !req
242. What is wrong with me?Copy !req
243. You're gonna be one of those weak women
who goes for bad guysCopy !req
244. with stupid brains and garbage dicks!Copy !req
245. Oh my God!Copy !req
246. I'm going to end up living
in Tampa, Florida.Copy !req
247. And you're gonna have dirty ass kids
with juice stains around their mouths.Copy !req
248. - I think maybe we should go home.
- What?Copy !req
249. And let your mom win? Never.Copy !req
250. Let's just relax and take ourselves
a nice hot bubble bath.Copy !req
251. I can't.
There's a doll hand stuck in the drain.Copy !req
252. - No!
- Oh, God.Copy !req
253. Let's get Chick-fil-A,
and not tell anybody.Copy !req
254. Jessi! I'm sorry I freaked out!Copy !req
255. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm a mess!Copy !req
256. There's nothing
wrong with you, sweetheart.Copy !req
257. Huh? Who said that?Copy !req
258. - I did, daddy.
- Why are you calling me daddy?Copy !req
259. 'Cause I'm dying to fuck you, silly.Copy !req
260. We're all dying to fuck you.Copy !req
261. We're motel pillows, sugar.
We're down for anything.Copy !req
262. But I'm with Jessi.Copy !req
263. But why? She's so difficult.Copy !req
264. And she doesn't understand that you're 40
and a celebrated magician...Copy !req
265. Who lives on the other end.Copy !req
266. Where is he?Copy !req
267. And we're also way into group sex.Copy !req
268. - Oh, I'm really not—
- I can just watch.Copy !req
269. - Still, I don't think—
- Come on, fuck my wife.Copy !req
270. - Oh, boy.
- Yeah, fuck me.Copy !req
271. I'll just sit in the corner
like a sad cuckCopy !req
272. and play with my little tag.Copy !req
273. Look, man...Copy !req
274. Maybe.Copy !req
275. Oh, sweetheart.Copy !req
276. You don't need a doctor.
You're just a late bloomer.Copy !req
277. Mom, I'm telling you, there's this...Copy !req
278. like, disgusting thing inside of me.Copy !req
279. Like an old poop
that won't come out of your tushy?Copy !req
280. And I can't tell you about it
because you'll think I'm crazy,Copy !req
281. but, Mom, something is not right.Copy !req
282. Whatever you do,
don't use the grapefruit spoonCopy !req
283. to scoop that poop out,Copy !req
284. 'cause you're cruising
for a tushy bruising, baby.Copy !req
285. - Hey Andrew.
- Oh, hi, Missy.Copy !req
286. Holy smokes! What happened to your
sweet little mustache you used to have?Copy !req
287. - My parents waxed it off.
- What? That's awful!Copy !req
288. I know I'm probably the last person
you wanna hear this from,Copy !req
289. but, we need to love ourselves
for who we are.Copy !req
290. - Uh-huh.
- I'm in an online community,Copy !req
291. called "Girls are Perfect and There's
Not a Thing Wrong with Any One of Them,Copy !req
292. and Anyone Who Would Tell You Otherwise
is Actually Just Afraid of Your Power!"Copy !req
293. - All one name?
- It's great. We're all great.Copy !req
294. Hey, is there something like that,
but for pubescent boys?Copy !req
295. Yeah, it's called society,Copy !req
296. you privileged white cis hetero male.Copy !req
297. - All right, bye.
- But, I'm not white.Copy !req
298. I'm Jewish, which is worse to some people.Copy !req
299. - It's cold in here. Is anyone else cold?
- Jesus. What happened to you?Copy !req
300. I shaved in solidarity, brother.Copy !req
301. Like cancer day or Mo-vember.Copy !req
302. You grow a mustache for Mo-vember.Copy !req
303. I got mine waxed off.Copy !req
304. - Is there anything called Shave-uary?
- No.Copy !req
305. - What about Daylight Shavings Time?
- What?Copy !req
306. You gotta shave an hour earlier,Copy !req
307. but, you get an extra hour
of shaving at night.Copy !req
308. All right, let's see. You're in the
fourth percentile for height.Copy !req
309. Oh, but, look at this,
the 80th percentile for head size.Copy !req
310. Head's too big in the body's too small.Copy !req
311. - Doctor Engle.
- All right, let's take a look downstairs.Copy !req
312. - Downstairs?
- Your testicles.Copy !req
313. And penis. Pretty please, drop your pants.Copy !req
314. Oh! Um...Copy !req
315. Oh, fine, I'll turn around.Copy !req
316. It's not like I haven't been washing
your penis for years.Copy !req
317. Okay. I see a few pubic hairs. Mazel tov.Copy !req
318. Nick, tell him about
when you tried to masturbate.Copy !req
319. It felt like you were molesting yourself
you tiny little pervert.Copy !req
320. Dr. Engle, I read something online
about hormone therapy.Copy !req
321. Oh, you read about it online.Copy !req
322. Oh, wow. That's great.Copy !req
323. Hey, you know what?
Maybe you should be the doctor.Copy !req
324. Would you like that?
Here, take my stethoscope.Copy !req
325. - Why would— No, I don't want—
- No, please. I insist.Copy !req
326. - You are the doctor.
- I'm not—Copy !req
327. You can Google things
on WebMD or whatever.Copy !req
328. No, I'm just trying to understand
what's going on with my body.Copy !req
329. How about my diploma?
Did you wanna move in with my wife?Copy !req
330. Easy there, Doctor Engle.Copy !req
331. Look, maybe if you were 16,
I'd consider medical intervention,Copy !req
332. but you'll likely catch up
in a few years.Copy !req
333. A few years?Copy !req
334. What, are you in a big hurry
to sleep with my wife now?Copy !req
335. - What?
- Is that what you're telling me?Copy !req
336. - No.
- Go ahead! Enjoy my wife!Copy !req
337. I hope you like somebody who spends
literally thousands of dollars on flowers.Copy !req
338. I don't know
where she gets these flowers.Copy !req
339. - Can I pull my pants up, please?
- I don't know, Wendy. Can you?Copy !req
340. - I think his wife's name is Wendy.
- No, that's my first name.Copy !req
341. - Dr. Wendy Engle.
- What?Copy !req
342. You, you're Wendy.
Dr. Wendy Engle?Copy !req
343. What am I gonna do?Copy !req
344. - Hey, Nick!
- Coach Steve?Copy !req
345. How about an awkward
reaching fist bump, my dude?Copy !req
346. - What are you doing here?
- I still go to the pediatrician.Copy !req
347. I'm what's known in the medical community
as a man baby.Copy !req
348. - You're the man baby, Steve.
- Wait.Copy !req
349. You're coach Steve hormone monster, too?
But, he's a grown up.Copy !req
350. No, bragsies, but you know, I'm special.Copy !req
351. You're special, too, Nick.Copy !req
352. - Very special.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
353. You need to relax,
if you know what I mean.Copy !req
354. Put a little pepper on that salt, baby.Copy !req
355. Oh my God. This is a nightmare.Copy !req
356. Yeah, but be careful.
Don't twist too hard,Copy !req
357. or salsa will come out.Copy !req
358. Spoiler alert: It's extra spicy, so...Copy !req
359. - Stop it!
- What the hell?Copy !req
360. We don't have enough money for the check.
Why'd you order Hungarian meatballs?Copy !req
361. - It sounded funny.
- Argh!Copy !req
362. Hold on.
I might've some change in my bag.Copy !req
363. - Hey, daddy.
- What is that?Copy !req
364. - Nothing.
- Is that a pillow from the motel?Copy !req
365. She's just a friend, Jessi. Okay?Copy !req
366. - Really?
- Suzette was in a really bad situation.Copy !req
367. This sleazy couple
was using her good looksCopy !req
368. to lure in top magicians
to have orgies with them.Copy !req
369. You are out of your fucking mind.Copy !req
370. I can't believe I ran away with you.Copy !req
371. I can't believe I ran away with you.Copy !req
372. - You're always judging me.
- Excuse me?Copy !req
373. Making me feel bad about myself.Copy !req
374. - You are such a bitch!
- What?Copy !req
375. Come on, baby.
Let's get the hell out here.Copy !req
376. Jay, it's time to go home.Copy !req
377. Yeah... okay.
My folks are probably freaking out anyway.Copy !req
378. Jay! Dinner!Copy !req
379. Fat.Copy !req
380. Fat.Copy !req
381. I'm doomed.Copy !req
382. I'm gonna end up a baby man,
like Coach Steve.Copy !req
383. Dude's a half wit.Copy !req
384. He said the scale at the pediatrician's
was the best video game he ever played.Copy !req
385. - That was a good game.
I gotta take a leak.Copy !req
386. No!Copy !req
387. - No!
- My pube!Copy !req
388. - Ah, he fell out.
- Nick...Copy !req
389. - Are you okay?
- Don't leave me here.Copy !req
390. Not like this. Please?Copy !req
391. - Oh my God.
- Is he dying?Copy !req
392. - Blow me into the toilet.
- Craig, don't talk like that.Copy !req
393. I don't want someone to come in here
and be like, "Ew, loose pube."Copy !req
394. - I don't want too lose you.
- Do it for me.Copy !req
395. Goodbye.
I'm never gonna forget—Copy !req
396. Nick, you're supposed to be growing
more pubic hair.Copy !req
397. Not losing the ones you have!Copy !req
398. - What the hell is wrong with me?
- You're going backwards.Copy !req
399. Your hormone monster is
in complete denial.Copy !req
400. - I don't know what to do.
- We gotta get rid of him,Copy !req
401. and we gotta do it now
before it's too damn late.Copy !req
402. Look at him. He's ratchet.Copy !req
403. I know.Copy !req
404. Hey, you know what you should do?Copy !req
405. Take your pillow
and smother him until he's dead!Copy !req
406. What? I can't kill my own hormone monster.
He's all I have.Copy !req
407. We'll get you a new one, buddy.
A better one!Copy !req
408. And you'll have a great big bushels
of pubic hairCopy !req
409. and you'll be coming all day long.Copy !req
410. That does sound nice, in theory, but...Copy !req
411. - No, I can't.
- So, what?Copy !req
412. You're just gonna have
a little toddler crotch?Copy !req
413. Is that what you want,
you little crotch toddler?Copy !req
414. - No!
- So then do it.Copy !req
415. What are you doing, Nick?Copy !req
416. I'm sorry. I have to.Copy !req
417. Please, stop!Copy !req
418. He's leaking.Copy !req
419. Shut the fuck up, Nick! Kill him.Copy !req
420. Please!Copy !req
421. Think of everything he's done to you.Copy !req
422. - I know, but...
- Please don't do this!Copy !req
423. Silence him forever!Copy !req
424. I can't. I can't do it.Copy !req
425. Oh God. What am I gonna do?Copy !req
426. Fuck you, man.
Fuck with me, I fuck with you.Copy !req
427. Nah, man, I love you, brother.Copy !req
428. You're crazy, but I love you.Copy !req
429. You know?
I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
430. You know, ride and die, baby.Copy !req
431. Marty, I'm feeling guilty
about waxing Andrew's lip.Copy !req
432. What? It's crazy. That already happened.Copy !req
433. We should've just let him be.Copy !req
434. He's too developed for his age.
The kid's a freak!Copy !req
435. What kind of a man would say that
about his own son?Copy !req
436. Maybe he's just not ready
for his little boy to grow up.Copy !req
437. Either that or he's a complete bunghole.Copy !req
438. Can we go inside?Copy !req
439. I know the people can't see me,
but I feel kind of exposed.Copy !req
440. - Jessi!
- Hey guys.Copy !req
441. - Thank God. Where were you?
- We were so scared.Copy !req
442. I know. I'm really sorry.Copy !req
443. - We're sorry.
- We need to do better.Copy !req
444. We love you so much.Copy !req
445. - We promise we're going to work this out.
- Yes.Copy !req
446. You guys are gonna get back together?Copy !req
447. - Well...
- Oh, honey. No.Copy !req
448. - No, no, no, no.
- One no is fine, Shannon.Copy !req
449. I meant, we'll find our way through this.
All of us.Copy !req
450. - You and me, and your dad—
- Cantor Dina. Don't forget about her.Copy !req
451. - And your father's pot dealer, Edgar.
- I never took a bath with Edgar.Copy !req
452. No, you just buy dime bags from him.Copy !req
453. Grams, Shannon.
You sound so old right now.Copy !req
454. And Edgar's main business
is window tinting, by the way.Copy !req
455. Our point, Jessi...Copy !req
456. - Jessi?
- Where'd she go?Copy !req
457. Oh! Look at her.
I'm so glad she's home.Copy !req
458. I know. I thought for sure
we were going to get a fingerCopy !req
459. or a little shoe in the mail or something.Copy !req
460. - Jesus, Greg!
- What?Copy !req
461. I'm saying, like, I'm psyched.Copy !req
462. Not psyched, but like, you know, relieved.Copy !req
463. No, you know, what?
I'm fucking psyched.Copy !req
464. Hey-o!Copy !req
465. You can stop your crying. Jay's back.Copy !req
466. Well then who's been using the elliptical?Copy !req
467. Thin!Copy !req
468. I'll never be thin.Copy !req
469. It's hopeless, Duke.Copy !req
470. - I'm gonna be a tiny loser forever.
- Enough of that!Copy !req
471. You're Nick...Copy !req
472. I know, but I'm so much shorter than—Copy !req
473. Nick, small men do great things.Copy !req
474. Napoleon. David Miscavige.Copy !req
475. Every one of the California Raisins.Copy !req
476. They couldn't rely on their height.Copy !req
477. - They had to rely on their cunning.
- Huh.Copy !req
478. Kevin Hart is the shortest man in America,Copy !req
479. and he sells out football stadiums,Copy !req
480. where huge men play for two seasons
and get brain damage.Copy !req
481. - Justice.
- Yeah, huge guys get brain damage.Copy !req
482. That's what I'm saying, Nick.Copy !req
483. - You should carry a gun.
- What'd you say?Copy !req
484. Have you ever murdered anyone, dude?Copy !req
485. - Only Natalie Wood.
- I thought that was Christopher Walken.Copy !req
486. He helped.Copy !req
487. I don't want to play today.Copy !req
488. - We're just gonna get our asses kicked.
- I know.Copy !req
489. Maybe we should just use our cunning?Copy !req
490. Cunning? We talking about eating pussy?
Too bad you lost your womb broom.Copy !req
491. - My womb broom?
- Womb broom! Your mustache.Copy !req
492. It's a little term I picked up
in the marines.Copy !req
493. - Semper Fi.
- Is that Captain Crunch?Copy !req
494. I'd follow that guy
to the bottom of the ocean.Copy !req
495. - What?
- The point is, let's get out thereCopy !req
496. and eat the other team's pussy.Copy !req
497. - Yeah.
- Oorah!Copy !req
498. Well, Nick,
I think we should just go out there,Copy !req
499. and if worse comes to worse,Copy !req
500. we'll perform oral sex
on the other team's vaginas.Copy !req
501. - What?
- I don't know.Copy !req
502. Holy Stromboli, I can't believe
we're only losing by one point.Copy !req
503. So here's the plan:Copy !req
504. We stay huddled like this as best friends,
and we share our innermost secretsCopy !req
505. - and also sandwiches.Copy !req
506. My first secret is that I love sandwiches!Copy !req
507. Fifteen seconds left.Copy !req
508. Bridgeton down by one.
Nick Birch, mayor of Who-ville,Copy !req
509. - dribbles the ball up the court.
- Andrew! Get in the paint!Copy !req
510. You got a huge body!
Use it for God's sake.Copy !req
511. Dad, be quiet! You're not the coach.Copy !req
512. Well, your coach is dry-heaving
on the sideline.Copy !req
513. I didn't know cottage cheese was dairy.Copy !req
514. Be a big man, Andrew!Copy !req
515. Marty, stop shouting!
You're embarrassing him.Copy !req
516. Be an animal!Copy !req
517. I'm not an animal.Copy !req
518. I am a flesh and blood child
with feelings, sir.Copy !req
519. With feelings!Copy !req
520. Andrew, get your head back in the game.Copy !req
521. There's ten seconds left in the game.
I couldn't care less about—Copy !req
522. - I'm so sorry I waxed your lip, Andrew!
- And suddenly I'm interested.Copy !req
523. Why is she saying this
in front of everyone?Copy !req
524. - Your father made me do it.
- He had a mustache.Copy !req
525. It was repulsive. I couldn't eat.Copy !req
526. The clock is running!Copy !req
527. Rage! Fucking rage!Copy !req
528. Climb into the stands and beat his ass.Copy !req
529. I'm gonna kill— Let me through, please.
Sorry. Let me fucking through!Copy !req
530. Phallus in the palace.
Ron Artest for life!Copy !req
531. Use your cunning!Copy !req
532. Huge guys get brain damage.Copy !req
533. Kevin Hart is the shortest man
in America!Copy !req
534. I murdered Natalie Wood!Copy !req
535. Go, Nick!Copy !req
536. I'm gonna kill you, Dad!Copy !req
537. Make him eat his tits.Copy !req
538. Are milkshakes dairy?Copy !req
539. Nick! Hey, Nick.Copy !req
540. - Are you okay?
- That was amazing!Copy !req
541. - Argh! Jessi! You're back.
- Hey.Copy !req
542. I'm sorry I told you
to make your dad eat his tits.Copy !req
543. Don't apologize.
None of this is your fault.Copy !req
544. My dad's the one
that made me feel like a freak.Copy !req
545. Andrew, can I talk to you for a sec?Copy !req
546. - Yeah, Dad?
- Listen... son, I've been thinking.Copy !req
547. Maybe you should stop playing basketball.
You're bad at it!Copy !req
548. You're uncoordinated!
You're embarrassing the family.Copy !req
549. - Hey, decent shot, Nick-y.Copy !req
550. Yeah, you really pulled a rabbit
out of a hat on that one.Copy !req
551. - Oh, it's Jay.
- Jay's back.Copy !req
552. - Jay didn't die.
- You noticed I was gone? Yes!Copy !req
553. - Hey, the Fab Five!
- Fab Five?Copy !req
554. Back together again
for the first time only.Copy !req
555. - Let's get a picture.
- Okay. Everybody say...Copy !req
556. - Please don't say it, Matthew.
- Cheese.Copy !req