1. The following is a paid
advertisement from Guy Bilzerian.Copy !req
2. It is not approved
by the New York Bar Association.Copy !req
3. I'm Guy Bilzerian,
attorney at law and family man.Copy !req
4. But I will happily abandon my familyCopy !req
5. to get you the divorce settlement
you deserve.Copy !req
6. You might know me from my bench ads,
my three delinquent sons,Copy !req
7. or my twice-institutionalized wife.Copy !req
8. But I want you to know me
as your first line of defenseCopy !req
9. against bitch ex-wives
and asshole ex-husbands,Copy !req
10. 'cause I play both sides of the coin.Copy !req
11. It's the law, not magic,Copy !req
12. and anyone who does magic
is a disappointment to his father.Copy !req
13. Call me today, because marriage is a sham
and love dies.Copy !req
14. Let's bury the body together.Copy !req
15. - Jay, keep rolling.
- Dad— oh, shit!Copy !req
16. We know you threw a party while we were
at your father's cardiology conference.Copy !req
17. We have half a mind
not to give you these T-shirts.Copy !req
18. It was just a few people.Copy !req
19. Jud, Leah, you're grounded
for three weeks.Copy !req
20. - Three weeks? That's ridiculous.
- Make it four. I'm writing my manifesto.Copy !req
21. - What a work ethic on this kid.
- Wait, do I not get punished?Copy !req
22. Aww. Nicky, you're
my sweet little pumpkin.Copy !req
23. - You're not responsible.
- Mom, I'm not a pumpkin.Copy !req
24. - Well, you're my baby—
- I'm not a baby.Copy !req
25. Besides, you can't be grounded.Copy !req
26. You need to dance with me
at Jessi's bat mitzvah.Copy !req
27. And save a dance for me, too.Copy !req
28. Did you know that if you raise the roof,
when they do that,Copy !req
29. then you can lower your arms
and it's hugging arms.Copy !req
30. Kids, I'm sorry to be
the bearer of bad news,Copy !req
31. but we've all discussed it,
and the parents agreeCopy !req
32. that neither of you are ready
to be in a relationship.Copy !req
33. - What?
- But we are ready!Copy !req
34. We just won't lie to you anymore.Copy !req
35. And what about the mons pushing?Copy !req
36. - What the hell's a mons?
- Oh, we don't need—Copy !req
37. A mons push is a preamble
to sexual intercourse.Copy !req
38. - Mom!
- Oh, God, our son is a deviant.Copy !req
39. What'd you do to her, you pervert?
Corrupting this little girl.Copy !req
40. Look at her, she's a child.Copy !req
41. But she's six months older than me.Copy !req
42. Know what they do to pedophiles
in the big house?Copy !req
43. - Okay...
- Shank 'em in the showerCopy !req
44. and turn their pee into wine.
That's what they do.Copy !req
45. We just think the kids
need to stop seeing each other.Copy !req
46. - Missy, let's go.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
47. - Goodbye, Andrew.
- Goodbye, Missy.Copy !req
48. No! Missy!Copy !req
49. Why don't you go outside, push that mons
of yours against the lawnmower?Copy !req
50. - It's nighttime.
- Isn't that when you perverts go out?Copy !req
51. I finally agree to let your dumb-ass
friends play Jessi's bat mitzvahCopy !req
52. - and they back out at the last minute?
- Chill, Shannon.Copy !req
53. You know what makes a woman
not want to chill, Greg?Copy !req
54. Having a man tell her to chill.Copy !req
55. I can't believe my mom.Copy !req
56. She kisses some lady on the street,
now she's being mean to Dad?Copy !req
57. That is fucked up, but who is the lady?Copy !req
58. I don't know.
I never even thought about that.Copy !req
59. The party is tomorrow!Copy !req
60. We all know that, everyone knows that!Copy !req
61. - Guys, stop yelling.
- Honey, we're not yelling.Copy !req
62. We're discussing the logistics
for the best day of your life.Copy !req
63. Best day of your life? Hah!Copy !req
64. Your parents keep fighting,Copy !req
65. you got a big ol' pimple
percolatin' on your forehead,Copy !req
66. and crooked Shannon forced you
to buy that dressCopy !req
67. - that makes your torso look boxy.
- You don't like the dress?Copy !req
68. It doesn't work! It never worked!Copy !req
69. I hate my life, and I hate my dress!Copy !req
70. The dress looks great.Copy !req
71. Just take a deep breath and relax.Copy !req
72. You know what makes a person
not want to relax, Shannon?Copy !req
73. - Nice turn.
- Shut up, Dad!Copy !req
74. Burn the house to the ground!Copy !req
75. Use the boxy dress as kindling.Copy !req
76. It's so annoying.
She treats me like I'm a little kid.Copy !req
77. You are a little kid.
I saw your dick, remember?Copy !req
78. - You guys could be prosecuted for that.
- Where, in ghost court?Copy !req
79. Hey! Ghost Court, that's a good idea
for a TV show!Copy !req
80. Nick, you got to contact my agent,
Jew Fishman.Copy !req
81. He'll work out the details.Copy !req
82. Hi, sweetie.
Just wanted to say good night.Copy !req
83. Actually, I don't really feel comfortable
kissing you on the lips anymore.Copy !req
84. Is that okay?Copy !req
85. Okay, sure. Yeah, of course.Copy !req
86. Um, how about I just tuck you in,
kiddo, okay, and I'll be on my way?Copy !req
87. You know, I actually think I got it.
Just gotta pull the blanket up a bit.Copy !req
88. Okay, great, fantastic.Copy !req
89. - So... good night, Nicky.
- Nick.Copy !req
90. I think I'd like you
to call me Nick from now on.Copy !req
91. Okay, Nick.Copy !req
92. - Good night, Diane.
- Watch it.Copy !req
93. What the hell did you just do
to your mama?Copy !req
94. I'm setting some boundaries.Copy !req
95. That woman loves you unconditionally.Copy !req
96. When you were a baby, she made you
personalized tittie cocktails.Copy !req
97. Are you talking about breast feeding?Copy !req
98. Yecch! It's gross when you say it.Copy !req
99. I'm getting older,
and I don't want to be babied anymore.Copy !req
100. I drank my mommy's boobie juice
till I was 12 years old.Copy !req
101. Huge breasts!Copy !req
102. What's wrong, my love?Copy !req
103. I feel like Nicky just broke up with me.Copy !req
104. He doesn't want me to tuck him in anymore,
doesn't even want me to call him Nicky.Copy !req
105. Diane, we have to let
our baby bird leave the nest.Copy !req
106. I know, but— but when he's gone,Copy !req
107. there will be no more babies
to take care of.Copy !req
108. You can take care of me.
You want me to dress up like a baby?Copy !req
109. You're such a weird perv sometimes.Copy !req
110. Aww, you remember our vows, Mommy.Copy !req
111. Oh, please, if you're so handicapped
maybe you shouldn't be driving!Copy !req
112. We are so square. We look like
a couple of Fig Newtons.Copy !req
113. - Hey, Jess.
- Hey, Cantor Dina.Copy !req
114. Wow! Really good vibes in this room. Yes!Copy !req
115. FYI, we're gonna begin the journey
in five minutes.Copy !req
116. - Okay.
- Or as we say in the theater,Copy !req
117. - "Thank you, five."
- Okay.Copy !req
118. You have to say it back to me.Copy !req
119. - Thank you, five?
- Shalom.Copy !req
120. - Found you!Copy !req
121. No. Why?Copy !req
122. Listen, I know I'm not supposed to see
the bat before the mitzvah,Copy !req
123. but ta-da— oww!Copy !req
124. Jesus, fuck!Copy !req
125. - Please don't give me flowers.
- What? I can't help it.Copy !req
126. I mean, look at you.Copy !req
127. You're like a square, sexy box.Copy !req
128. I just want to, like, take you to FedEx
and fill you full of packing peanuts.Copy !req
129. Stop! I hate this dress.
My stupid mother made me get it.Copy !req
130. Oh, yeah, moms are so stupid.Copy !req
131. They're always passing out drunk
in the bathCopy !req
132. instead of signing
your field trip permission slip.Copy !req
133. Oh, Jay, that is real bleak.Copy !req
134. Look, could we just cool it
with the romantic gestures, okay?Copy !req
135. As you wish, my boxy Jewess.Copy !req
136. Wha— aah! Oh!Copy !req
137. - Andrew, what are you doing?
- I missed you, Missy.Copy !req
138. Yeah, I missed you, too.Copy !req
139. Our parents are being crazy, right?Copy !req
140. You want to be with me,
and I want to be with you.Copy !req
141. What if we... What if we dated in secret?Copy !req
142. Ohh. You mean like Fatima and Gustavo?Copy !req
143. Yes, except, of course,
I won't be a horse.Copy !req
144. Yeah, but you're hung like one.
Reveal your meat.Copy !req
145. Wowzie-wow, forbidden lovers?Copy !req
146. I can tell that I'm genuinely excited
because my back is really sweaty.Copy !req
147. - Oh. Shall I dab it with my tallit?Copy !req
148. Is that kosher?Copy !req
149. I don't know, but I feel like
we're breaking all the rules today.Copy !req
150. Ooh...Copy !req
151. Andrew, where are you? I'm done
fighting over the handicapped spot.Copy !req
152. - I'll find you later, Fatima.Copy !req
153. Sorry, a lot of feelings. Ooh!Copy !req
154. Hey, that singing rabbi up there,
does she look familiar?Copy !req
155. That's the cantor.
She just does the "music."Copy !req
156. - That's a whole job?
- Exactly. It's a scam!Copy !req
157. - Like soap. Soap is lard.
- Marty, be quiet!Copy !req
158. Ooh, I spoke to Greg. There will be
no scallops at this bat mitzvah.Copy !req
159. Thank goodness. Last time,
we had to throw away your suit.Copy !req
160. And my shoes. Don't forget my shoes.Copy !req
161. They were like the spill tray.Copy !req
162. Hey, does this church serve
those, uh, wafers?Copy !req
163. - I didn't eat breakfast.
- Oh, you poor starving thing.Copy !req
164. Let me see
what I've got in my purse here.Copy !req
165. - Aw, thanks, Mrs. Birch.
- Here. Call me Diane.Copy !req
166. Okay, Mommy.Copy !req
167. Psst! Hey, let's sneak off with MissyCopy !req
168. while your dad is scratching
what appears to be a troll's foot.Copy !req
169. - Hmm...Copy !req
170. So I'm Cantor Dina Reznick,Copy !req
171. and I have had the distinct honor
of being Jessi's guide.Copy !req
172. I don't know what it is,
but I do not like that woman.Copy !req
173. And it's been a real simcha,
right, Jess?Copy !req
174. She's the worst.
I hate how she "huchs" her words.Copy !req
175. She should shut the fucch up.Copy !req
176. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
177. - I can't believe we're alone.
- We can do whatever we want.Copy !req
178. Do you boys need a yarmulke?Copy !req
179. No, thank you, Mr. Fishman.Copy !req
180. Come on, it's too dangerous out here.
Come with me.Copy !req
181. Yeah, I'll take a yarmulke,
for my Jewish penis.Copy !req
182. Thank you!Copy !req
183. I use it to cover my bald spot.Copy !req
184. And now, for the first aliyah,Copy !req
185. I'd like to invite up
Jessi's beautiful mother ShannonCopy !req
186. and her husband Greg.Copy !req
187. Oh, uh... don't worry,
I won't mons push you this time.Copy !req
188. You can mons push me all you want.Copy !req
189. - Look at her pawing at your mama.
- Seriously.Copy !req
190. That's a very long hug.Copy !req
191. Andrew, isn't that your jazz hat?Copy !req
192. Huh.Copy !req
193. That's Jessi's mom.Copy !req
194. Oh, God.Copy !req
195. Oh, my God.Copy !req
196. It's her.Copy !req
197. Jessi... Jessi...Copy !req
198. - Jessi.
- Huh?Copy !req
199. So it's time for you
to read your Torah portion.Copy !req
200. I... I...Copy !req
201. - I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.Copy !req
202. You are a woman now,
and this is what women do.Copy !req
203. We suck up all the bullshit
that the world dumps up on usCopy !req
204. and keep smiling through it all
in our boxy-ass dresses!Copy !req
205. Amen.Copy !req
206. Jessi, I loved it.
A few small thoughts—Copy !req
207. You sang great.
The breath in here is— it's terrible.Copy !req
208. Jessi, mazel tov.
I have to tell you something.Copy !req
209. That cantor lady, she—Copy !req
210. She's the woman you saw
kissing my mom, isn't she?Copy !req
211. Holy shit, she is!Copy !req
212. Oh, my God, I can't believe it!Copy !req
213. Barbara, I lost a sock in the pews again.Copy !req
214. DJ Pendejo coming at you!Copy !req
215. If you have any music requests,
come talk to me.Copy !req
216. Do not write them down.Copy !req
217. And make sure I can see your lips
because I am losing my hearing.Copy !req
218. This is how you handled it, Greg?Copy !req
219. Give me a break.
He said he'd do it for free.Copy !req
220. Oh, I don't get paid by the school either.Copy !req
221. I'm what's known in the business world
as, uh, a volunteer person.Copy !req
222. Who the hell is Malala?Copy !req
223. She's just this girl
who got shot in the faceCopy !req
224. 'cause she read a book
and now she's super famous.Copy !req
225. - Lucky Malala.
- That's what they call her.Copy !req
226. Diane, I got you a glass of Pinot gris
with two ice cubes,Copy !req
227. - just the way you like it.
- Wow. Thank you, Jay.Copy !req
228. That is so sweet.Copy !req
229. Jay, why are you bringing my mom drinks?Copy !req
230. Because she rocks. Not that you care.Copy !req
231. I watch how you treat her with all
the cameras I hid all over your house.Copy !req
232. - It's fucked up, bro.
- Just stay away from her, okay?Copy !req
233. And for the last time, get rid
of the cameras in my house.Copy !req
234. Whatever, man.
At the end of the night,Copy !req
235. we'll see who's seeing who get tucked in.Copy !req
236. - Please.
- He's right.Copy !req
237. You don't appreciate your mama.Copy !req
238. Do you boys need a yarmulke?Copy !req
239. Well, I'll be! It's Jew Fishman, my agent.Copy !req
240. Jew, I want to pitch a show
to Merv Griffin.Copy !req
241. It's called Ghost Court.
I could be the judge.Copy !req
242. - Do you boys need a yarmulke?
- Jew's gone senile.Copy !req
243. Jew, can you even remember the name
of my first single?Copy !req
244. Do you boys need a yarmulke?Copy !req
245. Oh, good, he still remembers
some things.Copy !req
246. Scallops, sir?Copy !req
247. Scallops, what are you doing here?Copy !req
248. - Would you like one?
- Oh. That's a very complicated question.Copy !req
249. Marty. It's us, Marty.Copy !req
250. - Have a taste.
- You know you love our texture.Copy !req
251. Stop that, please, all of you.Copy !req
252. I'm married, for chrissakes,
and these are new shoes.Copy !req
253. - Rockports...
- 91/2...Copy !req
254. - Extra wide.
- Ooh, that's right.Copy !req
255. Enough to keep eight packs of Rolaids in.
You know me so well.Copy !req
256. Hey, why don't you meet us
at the dumpster after cocktail hour?Copy !req
257. - You won't regret it.
- Ohh...Copy !req
258. All right, round up the Jews
and make 'em walk in a line.Copy !req
259. Choo-choo! Get on the train, Jews,
it's time to dance!Copy !req
260. - You can't hide from the party police.Copy !req
261. That's right. I'm looking at you,
Anne Frank table.Copy !req
262. Why am I oddly offended
we're not being rounded up as well?Copy !req
263. I'm just here for the open bar.Copy !req
264. This is great. Everyone thinks
we're just holding handsCopy !req
265. when, really, we're holding hands.Copy !req
266. - I never wanna let go of you.
- Never's a really long time.Copy !req
267. - Not when I'm with you.
- Oh, I'm getting dizzy.Copy !req
268. It's moving really fast, right?Copy !req
269. It's a magical night.
Don't you agree, Connie?Copy !req
270. Not now, Maury. I've got my hands full.Copy !req
271. Look at her, flaunting her indiscretions
like a pair of diamond earrings.Copy !req
272. Oh, I'm having so much fun!Copy !req
273. Oh. That's nice, sweetie.Copy !req
274. Everyone keeps saying
how much we look alike.Copy !req
275. Mom, stop it, you're embarrassing me.Copy !req
276. Nicky, it's the horah.
Everybody's dancing.Copy !req
277. - You can join us if you like.
- I don't want to dance.Copy !req
278. Well, then you don't have to.
Come on, honey.Copy !req
279. Spoiler alert: it's time
to get Jessi on the chairCopy !req
280. for the Jewish push-'em-up.Copy !req
281. Wait, wait, no, please don't.Copy !req
282. Aah!Copy !req
283. Aaah!Copy !req
284. - Huh?
- Open up, jellybean.Copy !req
285. - Babe.
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
286. Jessi, your parents
are very much in love.Copy !req
287. You'll just have to get used to that.Copy !req
288. Aaah!Copy !req
289. Oh, babe, I was gonna watch
a Sublime documentary tonight.Copy !req
290. It's just one client dinner, two hours,
and can you not...?Copy !req
291. You got it. I'll just practice "Santeria"
some other time, then.Copy !req
292. - My dad was a lemon.
- My dad was a purple.Copy !req
293. Actually, your dad is a lemon.Copy !req
294. - Okay, Shannon.
- Okay, Greg.Copy !req
295. - Put me down. Please put me down!Copy !req
296. Mazel tov on your boxy dress!Copy !req
297. Hey, come on, no one's
in the photo booth.Copy !req
298. - I feel like I can't breathe.
- I know, me too.Copy !req
299. No, really, I feel like maybe
we should go back to the people.Copy !req
300. I'm seeing sparkles,
and my stomach is all swirly.Copy !req
301. It— it's so exciting.Copy !req
302. I can already picture us
getting married and having childrenCopy !req
303. and then they'll get married—
well, not to each other, to other people.Copy !req
304. - Oh, life.
- Oh, Lordy.Copy !req
305. The thing I'm trying to say is I...
I love you.Copy !req
306. - What?
- I love you...Copy !req
307. Sorry, got a little handsy
with Jessi's bubbie on the dance floor.Copy !req
308. She's ten pounds of dynamite
in a five pound bag.Copy !req
309. - What'd I miss?
- I told her I loved her.Copy !req
310. Jessi's bubbie?
'Cause get in line, Larry.Copy !req
311. No, I told Missy I loved her.Copy !req
312. - Why?
- Because I do.Copy !req
313. Who the fuck cares?
It's way too soon.Copy !req
314. You might be right. She barfed.Copy !req
315. You idiot! She's a delicate orchid
who needs to be gently misted,Copy !req
316. and you unleashed a fire hose
of Monster Energy drink on her.Copy !req
317. Which is great for people
but not for orchids.Copy !req
318. Take it from this monster.Copy !req
319. Are you trying to get sponsored
by Monster Energy drink?Copy !req
320. - Stay focused, Andrew. You fucked up.
- I know that.Copy !req
321. Monster Energy,
brings out the monster in you.Copy !req
322. Brings out the monster... Uh...
Let me just try this one more time here.Copy !req
323. Brings out the monster in you!
Yeah, nailed it.Copy !req
324. Get my agent. Where's Jew Fishman?Copy !req
325. Mmm...Copy !req
326. - What are you doing out here?
- Nothing. I'm doing nothing.Copy !req
327. You know I love you, right, Barbara?Copy !req
328. Love me? Ugh! Marty, don't be weird.Copy !req
329. J is for Jessi, the girl everyone loves.Copy !req
330. E is for everyone,
the people who love Jessi.Copy !req
331. S is for slut.
It's what everyone says Jessi is.Copy !req
332. - Lola!
- What?Copy !req
333. She's rubbing our faces in it,Copy !req
334. just like she rubbed her face
in Cantor Dina's—Copy !req
335. - Okay, okay.
- What? I was gonna say mons pubis.Copy !req
336. Mom, I need to talk to you.Copy !req
337. - What's wrong, Jessi Bear?
- Now.Copy !req
338. - I know everything!
- What? What do you mean?Copy !req
339. I know you're cheating on Daddy
with Cantor Dina.Copy !req
340. Okay, Jessi,
let's just take a deep breath.Copy !req
341. This whole time, you guys have been...?Copy !req
342. What are you? You're, like, a lesbian now?Copy !req
343. I don't know.
I'm still figuring things out.Copy !req
344. But what about you and Daddy?Copy !req
345. Your father and I have been struggling
for a long time.Copy !req
346. Do you even...
do you even love him anymore?Copy !req
347. I don't know.Copy !req
348. Whoa.Copy !req
349. That's heavy.Copy !req
350. Now I can see the family's having
a particularly tense moment,Copy !req
351. so it's the perfect time
for a speech from Mom and Dad!Copy !req
352. Jessi, you were so amazing today.Copy !req
353. You really did Eleanor Roosevelt proud.Copy !req
354. She did, didn't she?Copy !req
355. Shannon, can I see the mic
for a second?Copy !req
356. - Greg, we agreed I would speak.
- Oh, we agreed on a lot of stuff.Copy !req
357. - Gimme, gimme! Just gimme.Copy !req
358. - Don't worry, Daddy, I got two mics.
- Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
359. Jesus? Not in this house of worship.
Am I right?Copy !req
360. Honestly, am I right?
I— I don't know the different ones.Copy !req
361. Jellybean, wow.
You've grown up so fast.Copy !req
362. It's like one of those Internet videos
where they take a picture every day.Copy !req
363. A different picture every day,
you show them together real fast,Copy !req
364. it looks like the guy, like,
grows a beard right in front of you.Copy !req
365. - Greg.
- I remember when we brought you home.Copy !req
366. We were so happy.Copy !req
367. But things are so different now.Copy !req
368. I mean, not necessarily worse, but, uh...Copy !req
369. What are we talking about?
Yeah, they're worse.Copy !req
370. Right, Shannon?
You made it worse.Copy !req
371. - Greg, please give me the mic.
- It's my turn to talk.Copy !req
372. - Chill, Greg.
- Don't tell my dad to chill.Copy !req
373. Yeah, shove it up your cantor ass,
Cantor Dina.Copy !req
374. Greg, that is uncalled for.Copy !req
375. Can everyone please
stop saying my name like that,Copy !req
376. - like— like I'm some kind of maniac?
- Then stop acting like one, Greg!Copy !req
377. Oh, boy.Copy !req
378. I may not know how to read,Copy !req
379. but I do know how to read a room... Greg.Copy !req
380. Now it's time to dance the Electric Slide.Copy !req
381. Are we really gonna do
the Electric Slide right now?Copy !req
382. I guess. It is a bat mitzvah.Copy !req
383. Go, talk to your mama, Nick.Copy !req
384. - You only get one mother.
- Jew Fishman?Copy !req
385. The bad news is Jew passed away
during the horah.Copy !req
386. The good news is
Ghost Court is back on!Copy !req
387. We're gonna get Duke points
on the back end.Copy !req
388. I'm happy for you guys. I'm...Copy !req
389. I'm gonna go talk to my mom.Copy !req
390. Jay, I need a minute with my mom.Copy !req
391. - Is this guy bothering you, Diane?
- Not at all. This guy's my son.Copy !req
392. That's right, and she's my mom.
I'm really lucky to have her.Copy !req
393. She's a good mom. Take care of her, okay?Copy !req
394. Okay, Jay, just get lost.Copy !req
395. Mom, will you please dance with me?Copy !req
396. - I would love to, Nick.
- You can call me Nicky.Copy !req
397. - Okay, Nicky.
- All right, Diane.Copy !req
398. Seriously, cut that shit out.Copy !req
399. - What about me?
- Come here, son.Copy !req
400. - I'll be your mom.
- This is nice.Copy !req
401. You're wrong, Jay. It's dynamite.Copy !req
402. - Ooh!
- We knew you'd come.Copy !req
403. Why don't you slip us inside you?Copy !req
404. Oh, my God! What am I doing?Copy !req
405. I'm an angrily married man.Copy !req
406. - Marty.
- You know you want us.Copy !req
407. Damn it! There comes a time
in every man's lifeCopy !req
408. when he must choose between his wife
and guaranteed automatic diarrhea.Copy !req
409. - It'll be our secret.
- No one has to know.Copy !req
410. I would know, and so would my wife.Copy !req
411. Because of the relentless fecal explosion.Copy !req
412. - Marty, what are you doing?Copy !req
413. What? You've never seen
a hormone monster's Jewish penisCopy !req
414. eat dumpster scallops?Copy !req
415. Get a life.Copy !req
416. Give me Malala!Copy !req
417. I will kick you in the pussy,
you stupid shit.Copy !req
418. At least I still have a pussy.Copy !req
419. Maury, we need to talk.Copy !req
420. Oh, shit. This is bad.Copy !req
421. - Hi, Andrew.
- Hi, Missy.Copy !req
422. Listen, um, about what I said
in the photo booth,Copy !req
423. let's just pretend it didn't happen.Copy !req
424. Oh, but it did. We need to face it.Copy !req
425. Andrew, you're like sugar to me.Copy !req
426. I like you, but every time I have you,
I lose control,Copy !req
427. and I— I hate to say it,
but I end up regretting it.Copy !req
428. - But, Missy—
- My parents were right.Copy !req
429. We need to break up. For real this time.Copy !req
430. No, don't say that. We can fix this.Copy !req
431. - Connie, please?
- I lost her, Maury.Copy !req
432. For, at least, the next few years.Copy !req
433. She came in hot, but burned out bright.Copy !req
434. Missy, come on, I don't need to be sugar.Copy !req
435. I can be raisins.Copy !req
436. Oh, Andrew. Raisins are chock-full
of natural sugar.Copy !req
437. I'm sorry, there's no way around it.Copy !req
438. You're just too sweet for me.Copy !req
439. With all due respect, Connie,
this girl's a little fucking cunt.Copy !req
440. And me and the boy
are gonna kill ourselves tonight.Copy !req
441. Yeah, I get it. You do you, Maury.
You gotta do you.Copy !req
442. Well, Steve, you did it.Copy !req
443. I really did, didn't I?Copy !req
444. You played the wrong music,
constantly referenced the Holocaust,Copy !req
445. and you appear to have killed an old man.Copy !req
446. Congratulations.Copy !req
447. Thanks, Matthew.
That really means the world.Copy !req
448. I truly envy your ability to bat away
every one of my insults.Copy !req
449. Right back at you, my dude.Copy !req
450. - That's not really gonna keep me warm.Copy !req
451. Can't you let me do nice things?
God!Copy !req
452. - Today sucked.
- Your parents' speech was weird.Copy !req
453. - I know. You have no idea.
- I kinda do.Copy !req
454. I'm pretty sure my dad cheats
on my mom, like, all the time.Copy !req
455. He makes me wait in the car
while he does it.Copy !req
456. Oh, Jay, I'm— I'm sorry.Copy !req
457. Eh, don't be. Love dies.Copy !req
458. Let's bury the body together.Copy !req
459. Stop quoting your dad's law commercials.Copy !req
460. Kiss him. Kiss him hard on the mouth.Copy !req
461. Oh, my God, I can't believe
this is happening again!Copy !req
462. Shut up and kiss me.Copy !req
463. Now stick your pinkie
in his little toffee-colored tushie.Copy !req
464. Okay, I learned my lesson.Copy !req
465. You just go at your own pace, bubbale.Copy !req
466. - Good night, Nicky.
- Good night, Mom.Copy !req
467. - Good night, Jay.
- Good night, Mr. Birch.Copy !req
468. I mean, Mom.Copy !req
469. - Sour Patch Kid?
- Sure.Copy !req
470. - Hey, Dad, you're not a lemon.
- Thanks, jellybean.Copy !req
471. You're my best little girl.Copy !req
472. - Oh, I knew it was too good to be true.Copy !req
473. It's worse than I thought.Copy !req
474. - And I knew it was gonna end badly.Copy !req
475. - You did?
- Of course. You're such a fucking dork!Copy !req
476. - I know.
- Aww, come here.Copy !req