1. Tom Cruise, Scientology is a cult.Copy !req
2. Then why are we so good at rehab
and have great gyms?Copy !req
3. It's true, they are great at rehab.Copy !req
4. Why are they doing a Tom Cruise version
of The Crucible?Copy !req
5. You're glib, Goody Holmes.Copy !req
6. I wish I never hired you as my wife.Copy !req
7. Because the Church of Scientology
paid for our auditoriumCopy !req
8. and we did 12 Angry Travoltas last year.Copy !req
9. Fun fact: I was rejected
from Scientology, so...Copy !req
10. Let me ask you,
do you mind that I'm holding your hand?Copy !req
11. "I grow in jungle water
and am very smellyCopy !req
12. And if you touch me I hurt your belly"
What am I?Copy !req
13. You're the helicobacter pylori bacteria?Copy !req
14. - Which causes acute gastritis.
- Oh, great.Copy !req
15. Andrew, you're quite good
at Bacterium Delirium.Copy !req
16. - Well, I'm just happy to be here-ium.Copy !req
17. Oh.Copy !req
18. Aww, she's giving
your little hand a squeeze.Copy !req
19. Ooh! I wonder if she'll fuck you
while her dad goes down on the mom.Copy !req
20. Oh, God, you disgust me.Copy !req
21. - Hi, I'm Leah's brother, Nick.
- Hey, dude, I'm Daniel.Copy !req
22. You were great as Tom Cruise,
very sympathetic.Copy !req
23. Thanks. You know, I believe
when he's dating those womenCopy !req
24. he really thinks he's dating them.Copy !req
25. Ah. This must be the famous Nick Birch.Copy !req
26. - I've seen you on Leah's Instagram.
- Oh.Copy !req
27. Your Halloween costume,
were you, like, a cold pig?Copy !req
28. Oh, no, I was a pig in a blanket.Copy !req
29. - Oh! I love pigs in a blanket.
- Really?Copy !req
30. - Yeah, a lot.
- Okay. Mustard or ketchup?Copy !req
31. - Ketchup, obviously.
- Oh, we could've been so great.Copy !req
32. - That's too bad.
- Yeah, it is too bad.Copy !req
33. Nick, let's go.Copy !req
34. Thanks so much for doing
the wrap party, Leah.Copy !req
35. - See you in a bit.
- Okay.Copy !req
36. We're having a party while Mom and Dad
are out of town?Copy !req
37. No, I'm having a party
and you're staying at Andrew's.Copy !req
38. Andrew's got a date,
so I'm staying at homeCopy !req
39. and I guess I'm going
to a high school party.Copy !req
40. Ooh! Are you gonna party with us, Nick?Copy !req
41. Oh, I fucked that up.Copy !req
42. - See you there, Tallulah.
- Tallulah?Copy !req
43. Her name is Tallulah?Copy !req
44. - Stop smiling.
- I'm not smiling.Copy !req
45. Tallulah.Copy !req
46. Oh, God.Copy !req
47. Oh, shit, yeah, it didn't go back in.Copy !req
48. This is bad.Copy !req
49. Okay, so food-wise,
did we get a cookie cake?Copy !req
50. What's our Dorito sitch?Copy !req
51. It's not that kind of party, okay?Copy !req
52. It's a high school party,
so try to be cool.Copy !req
53. Yeah, cool.
NP, no probs.Copy !req
54. Those are women sunglasses.Copy !req
55. - No, they're Dad's.
- Yeah, Dad wears women sunglasses.Copy !req
56. - Really?
- Obviously.Copy !req
57. Okay, look, these are theater kids,Copy !req
58. so they're sophisticated,
like that guy Daniel that you met.Copy !req
59. Ohh! Leah likes Daniel.Copy !req
60. Leah will slit your throat.Copy !req
61. Nice, third person threat.Copy !req
62. All right. I got gay-ass wine for you
and your gay ass theater friends.Copy !req
63. The Jack's mine.
I hope your party sucks.Copy !req
64. Thank you, Jud,
you're America's sweetheart.Copy !req
65. - You drink, Leah?
- It's not a big deal.Copy !req
66. - I'm 16 and it's just wine.
- Cool, I guess— Sure, I'll have some.Copy !req
67. Wine, it's nature's fruit.Copy !req
68. - You're nature's fruit.
- Okay.Copy !req
69. I'll be upstairs,
but I'm always listening.Copy !req
70. - You think you're having wine?
- Come on.Copy !req
71. No, you're not having any.Copy !req
72. Leah, do you want me to be the little
brother who tells on his sister?Copy !req
73. - Is that a good look for either of us?
- Oh, fine, you can have a little.Copy !req
74. - Really?
- I'm in the walls now.Copy !req
75. A house, a house, tis nothing but a house.Copy !req
76. - It is. It's just a house.
- Whoo!Copy !req
77. Well, look who it is.Copy !req
78. - Tallulah.
- Nick Birch.Copy !req
79. I don't know, it's hard to say.Copy !req
80. Hi, I'm Andrew GloubermanCopy !req
81. and I'd like to make love to your daughter
while you the dad go down on the mom.Copy !req
82. No, see, it's not gonna work.
It's too unnatural.Copy !req
83. - Ohh!
- Why am I introducing myself?Copy !req
84. - Hey, Nick.Copy !req
85. Leah's having a high school party
and I think I might be flirtingCopy !req
86. with a ninth grade girl.
You got to come over.Copy !req
87. Yeah, high school party. Let's go.Copy !req
88. Geez, Nick, I don't know.
I mean, I'm over at Missy'sCopy !req
89. and her mom was just about to make
some decaf yerba mate.Copy !req
90. Aw, fuck Missy's parents.Copy !req
91. We tried. We can't get a rhythm.Copy !req
92. - Look at me, I'm drinking wine.
- Nick.Copy !req
93. You know I can't say no to you but
we're definitely not coming. Bye, sorry.Copy !req
94. - Hi, who was that?
- Oh, it was Nick.Copy !req
95. His sister's throwing some
high school party and he invited us.Copy !req
96. Wow, do you want to go?Copy !req
97. - Deeply.
- Stop it.Copy !req
98. Because on NPR,
Meghna ChakrabartiCopy !req
99. says that couples should do
new brave things togetherCopy !req
100. and a high school party...
sounds pretty brave.Copy !req
101. Well, I mean,
if Meg Jabroni said that...Copy !req
102. But, well,
what do we tell your parents?Copy !req
103. We're going to see a movie.Copy !req
104. - Oh, well, great, which one?
- Uh...Copy !req
105. - Carpet Ceiling.
- Really?Copy !req
106. Oh, yeah, it's an Iranian film
about a physicistCopy !req
107. who is forced to work in a tea service
after the fall of the Shah.Copy !req
108. - Is that a real movie?
- No, she's lying.Copy !req
109. And she's surprisingly good at it.Copy !req
110. Ooh, she's a little liar.
I like that in a lady.Copy !req
111. I also like when they cook dinner.Copy !req
112. Party Wolf is in the house.Copy !req
113. - Party Wolf.
- Hey, Jay, who—Copy !req
114. How did you know there was a party?Copy !req
115. I have a camera in your kitchen.Copy !req
116. - Wolf cam.
- Hold on, what?Copy !req
117. Oh, no, it's not weird.Copy !req
118. See, my mom doesn't cook,
so I watch your mom cook.Copy !req
119. It's just different at my house.Copy !req
120. Boys, feeding time.Copy !req
121. That's why I like watching the Diane Show.Copy !req
122. You can tell she cooks
with love or whatever.Copy !req
123. Who cares? Not me.
Fuck you.Copy !req
124. How many cameras do you have
in my house, Jay?Copy !req
125. Check it out, I brought booze.Copy !req
126. Cotton candy brandy?Copy !req
127. Yeah, my dad defended the guy
who created it.Copy !req
128. The first booze made for kids by kids.
FKBK!Copy !req
129. So, let me get this straight, your dad
represented a child liquor distributor.Copy !req
130. And the only reason he lost the case
was he called the judge a fat bitch.Copy !req
131. Well, Jay, you come
from an upsetting home.Copy !req
132. - A toast.
- A to— I don't know.Copy !req
133. To Party Wolf.
Drink.Copy !req
134. Oh, my nose and eyes.Copy !req
135. Yeah, your eyesight's gonna come back
in, like, 30 seconds.Copy !req
136. - Oh, my stomach hurts.
- It's strong, right?Copy !req
137. But sweet as berry pie.Copy !req
138. - Oh, Jessi.Copy !req
139. Did you make the arrangements
for the bat mitzvah bandCopy !req
140. or did you get stoned
and forget your one responsibility?Copy !req
141. Hey, Mom, Dad, I'm gonna go
hang out at Nick's, okay?Copy !req
142. Oh, sure, honey. Not too late.Copy !req
143. Have a good one, Jellybean.Copy !req
144. For your information, I'm contacting
Trusted Root tonight.Copy !req
145. No one wants a Rusted Root cover band
at a bat mitzvah.Copy !req
146. Wow. Dope rhymes.Copy !req
147. Oh, good, you were—Copy !req
148. - You're listening to me rap to myself.Copy !req
149. - I'm, uh... I'm stupid.Copy !req
150. I mean, I am, I'm stupid.
I'm a dumb, dumb person.Copy !req
151. If you stupid, I'm a idiot.Copy !req
152. You're both retarded.Copy !req
153. That's my brother Jud.Copy !req
154. You'll likely see his manifesto
in the news someday.Copy !req
155. - Wow.
- Right?Copy !req
156. Oh, you are hilarious, Nick Birch.Copy !req
157. - Ooh!
- What?Copy !req
158. - Nick's got a girlfriend.
- Nick's got a girlfriend.Copy !req
159. What the— I must be drunk.Copy !req
160. - Drunk on love.
- Ooh-la-la!Copy !req
161. - For Tallulah.
- I'm jealous, Nicky.Copy !req
162. Eww! You're jealous of a girl
I want to make out with?Copy !req
163. I'm jealous of her too.Copy !req
164. Who wants that red-hot
cotton candy brandy?Copy !req
165. Party Wolf.Copy !req
166. Meow.Copy !req
167. - You ready?Copy !req
168. You.Copy !req
169. I have kissed a girl and I liked it.Copy !req
170. - You are insane.Copy !req
171. I can't believe I'm in the seventh grade
and already over high school.Copy !req
172. - These fucking people.Copy !req
173. Jessi.Copy !req
174. What a sexy coincidence.Copy !req
175. Not now, Jay, I'm having
a shitty night, okay?Copy !req
176. Perchance I can offer you an elixir
to ease your troubles, Party Wolf?Copy !req
177. "Cotton candy brandy, made for kids
by kids, please help."Copy !req
178. Christ, where did this come from?Copy !req
179. - Bangkok. A children's prison, actually.
- Ugh!Copy !req
180. - What?
- You're the worst.Copy !req
181. It's not like they make it anymore, Jessi.Copy !req
182. The jail burned down.Copy !req
183. Psst! Retarded faggot, up here.Copy !req
184. Leave me alone.Copy !req
185. Please, retarded faggot, I'm serious.
I want to tell you something serious.Copy !req
186. - What?
- I saw you talking to The Machine.Copy !req
187. - Have fun.
- What?Copy !req
188. - Tallulah Levine, the blowjob machine.
- Come again?Copy !req
189. Dude, she loves giving blowjobs.Copy !req
190. - I'm proud of you.
- Oh, I thought you hated me.Copy !req
191. I don't hate you.
You're my brother.Copy !req
192. I just want the world to burn and for you
to get your little dinger wet.Copy !req
193. Hold on, wait.Copy !req
194. To Nicky
and his first oral adventure.Copy !req
195. Whether he's ready or not,
that girl is luckyCopy !req
196. to have his cute little baby dinger
in her mouth.Copy !req
197. - Mm-hmm. Or wherever it ends up.
- Okay, that's enough.Copy !req
198. And it's not that little.Copy !req
199. - Oh, is it?Copy !req
200. Andrew.
Thank God, I need to talk to you.Copy !req
201. - Nick, are you drunk?
- Psst!Copy !req
202. You see that girl over there?Copy !req
203. She's a ninth grade blowjob machine.Copy !req
204. - What are you guys talking about?
- Oh, Missy's here.Copy !req
205. - Hi, Nick.
- Terrific.Copy !req
206. Uh, don't worry about me,
I'm gonna go mingle now.Copy !req
207. Okay. Guy talk talk.Copy !req
208. I have some concerns about my dinger.Copy !req
209. - The, you know, area...
- Okay, yeah, Nick.Copy !req
210. - ... where my dick is.
- I get it, I get it.Copy !req
211. But I really shouldn't leave Missy alone
at this party.Copy !req
212. I mean, she's talking to a pineapple.Copy !req
213. So, how'd you get your hair to do that?Copy !req
214. Hmm. Well, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
215. - Duke. Duke, I—Copy !req
216. Nickelback.Copy !req
217. Saw that party downstairs and figured
old Duke should have one of his own.Copy !req
218. - I see that.
- Nick Birch, this is Picasso.Copy !req
219. Whitney Houston, what's up baby?Copy !req
220. And over there Prince
and Liz Taylor and Richard Burton.Copy !req
221. They were married, it's a fucking mess.Copy !req
222. Oh, Prince, I'm so sad that you died.Copy !req
223. - Hey, what about us?
- We're all dead here.Copy !req
224. - Be gone.
- Beat it, kid.Copy !req
225. All right, fine, I'll leave.Copy !req
226. It's just there's this girl
that gives blowjobs.Copy !req
227. - Tell Prince your problems.
- Her name is Tallulah LevineCopy !req
228. and they say she's a blowjob machine.Copy !req
229. - And when she goes down...
- All the boys in the town...Copy !req
230. - Give her a mouthful of cream.Copy !req
231. All right.
Calm down, you swine.Copy !req
232. What's the problem, dear?Copy !req
233. Miss Taylor, I'm not gonna lie.Copy !req
234. My dick is maybe
not everything it could be.Copy !req
235. Well, it's not the size of the wave,Copy !req
236. it's the grace of your base
and the spasm in her chasm.Copy !req
237. Y también, my dick is a triangle.
It is over here.Copy !req
238. This is why I invented Cubism, so
I could be like, "Ooh, shapes are cool."Copy !req
239. Whip it out, darling.
Let's have a look.Copy !req
240. Show us that dick of yours, Nick.Copy !req
241. Hold on, is this appropriate?Copy !req
242. Of course, we're ghosts.Copy !req
243. Well, if the incomparable
Ms. Whitney HoustonCopy !req
244. wants to see my penis...Copy !req
245. ¿Dónde está el pipi?Copy !req
246. Did you shave?
Is that ornamental?Copy !req
247. The boy just hasn't hit puberty yet.Copy !req
248. It's like a gold button
on a prep school blazer.Copy !req
249. Do you think it's too small
for Tallulah Levine?Copy !req
250. Does she have a gap between
her two front teeth?Copy !req
251. Because then it might work out fine.Copy !req
252. Okay. Ha ha. Well, you're all dead.Copy !req
253. And you got a little dick.Copy !req
254. Uh, this is Jud's room.
Keep your distance from that. Oh!Copy !req
255. Wowzy-wow!Copy !req
256. Posters of Paris and Hamilton?Copy !req
257. - Whose room is this?
- Oh, this?Copy !req
258. Yeah, this is Leah's room.Copy !req
259. This is definitely the room
where it happens.Copy !req
260. I bet she has a really nice closet.Copy !req
261. Yeah, I don't— I don't know,Copy !req
262. I don't know what her clothes smell like.Copy !req
263. I do.Copy !req
264. Oh, Andrew, have you ever heard
of this, uh, this gameCopy !req
265. called Seven Minutes In Heaven?Copy !req
266. - Holy shit, it's happening.Copy !req
267. It's go time, this is not a drill.Copy !req
268. Uh, Missy's being quite forward.Copy !req
269. - What's gotten into her?Copy !req
270. This boy's a tall lumpy, dumpy
drink of water and we are thirsty.Copy !req
271. Well, my mouth is dry.Copy !req
272. It's probably from the nerves.Copy !req
273. Hush, puppy. Less talk, more closet.Copy !req
274. Well, look who it is. Nick Birch.Copy !req
275. Well, look who it is to you,
Tallulah Levine.Copy !req
276. Oh, using my full name, are you?Copy !req
277. Oh, I am indeed
'cause I am flirting with you.Copy !req
278. - Are you really?
- I are. Oh...Copy !req
279. So, okay. I— I think
you're so cool and so prettyCopy !req
280. but I— I just can't do that thing
that you want to do.Copy !req
281. - What thing?
- You know, your— your passion?Copy !req
282. My passion?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
283. Tallulah, I can't let you
give me a blowjob.Copy !req
284. - I'm so sorry.
- What?Copy !req
285. What makes you think
I want to give you a blowjob?Copy !req
286. Your nickname.Copy !req
287. Oh, go fuck yourself.Copy !req
288. I hook up with a guy once
and he tells his friendsCopy !req
289. I gave him a blowjob,
which by the way, I didn't.Copy !req
290. And all of a sudden, I'm The Machine?Copy !req
291. Oh, man, I'm sorry.Copy !req
292. That's all I wanted, just to make out.
I'm stupid, remember?Copy !req
293. Yeah. Nick, you are stupid.Copy !req
294. Well, you really fucked that up.Copy !req
295. - Shut up, you're a picture.
- No, I'm not, I'm in the wall.Copy !req
296. See?Copy !req
297. Okay. Seven minutes.Copy !req
298. - Hey, are you setting a timer?
- Starting now.Copy !req
299. - Maury.
- Connie.Copy !req
300. A word?Copy !req
301. So what are we talking about here?Copy !req
302. Kiss with tongue, under the shirt,
over the bra?Copy !req
303. What does your client know how to do?Copy !req
304. Oh, my client, he knows...
he knows nothing.Copy !req
305. It should be noted that my client
also has no idea what she's doing.Copy !req
306. So I don't...
I don't know what I'm doing.Copy !req
307. Me neither.Copy !req
308. Well done. Another first kiss
in the books.Copy !req
309. Mmm. Nothing like a first kiss.Copy !req
310. - Do you remember ours?
- Oh, don't, Maury.Copy !req
311. It was Pangaea, the dinosaurs
had just flown away in their spaceship.Copy !req
312. We had the whole planet to ourselves,
didn't we?Copy !req
313. Although, if memory serves, we did
make a few woolly mammoths blush.Copy !req
314. - It's good to see you, Connie.
- It's good to smell you.Copy !req
315. - Mmm...
- Oh, sweet Jesus.Copy !req
316. - Whoa, okay.
- What?Copy !req
317. Hi.Copy !req
318. What happened?
Why'd your damn client pull away?Copy !req
319. The kid was gonna paint
the inside of his pants.Copy !req
320. - I'm sorry. I— I didn't mean to—
- No, no, I'm sorry.Copy !req
321. I shouldn't have pushed my mons pubis
right up against you.Copy !req
322. - Your mom's what?
- It's the region right above my—Copy !req
323. Uh, well, darn it, forget it.Copy !req
324. You push too hard,
you got no boundaries.Copy !req
325. That's right, Maury, I can't be tamed.Copy !req
326. I never wanted to tame you.Copy !req
327. I just wanted to keep a toothbrush
and a few spare dicks at your apartment.Copy !req
328. Oh, Connie.Copy !req
329. I think maybe we should
go back to the party.Copy !req
330. Well, we have two minutes left.Copy !req
331. We could accomplish quite a lot
in that time.Copy !req
332. - Shh!Copy !req
333. - [muttering, indistinct]
- Yeah, okay.Copy !req
334. Whoa, that's Leah.Copy !req
335. - And who's that guy?
- I don't know.Copy !req
336. The only person I met was that pineapple.Copy !req
337. Nicky, don't you think
you've had enough to drink?Copy !req
338. Lay off, Diane.Copy !req
339. - Who are you talking to?
- Who are you talking to?Copy !req
340. - Uh, are you drunk right now?
- Come here, I'll tell you.Copy !req
341. - I'm here.
- None of your fucking business.Copy !req
342. What's up, chicken butt?Copy !req
343. Nothing, just, you know, my parents
are officially the worst.Copy !req
344. Oh, here's a cool tidbit, my dad
smokes weed all the time.Copy !req
345. Well, your mom's not perfect either.Copy !req
346. What?Copy !req
347. - Nothing.
- That's a very weird thing to say.Copy !req
348. Ye— yeah, you're right.Copy !req
349. I mean, don't even listen to me.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.Copy !req
350. - No, why did you say that?
- Why did I say what?Copy !req
351. - Tell me. Tell me, Nick.Copy !req
352. When Andrew and I were in the city,
we saw this hatCopy !req
353. and then it kissed your mom,
and then the hat was a woman.Copy !req
354. - What?
- I couldn't be clearer, Jessi.Copy !req
355. Your mom kissed a woman
and the woman wasn't your dad.Copy !req
356. Are you serious?Copy !req
357. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jessi.Copy !req
358. Wait a minute, you guys went
to the city, like, two weeks ago.Copy !req
359. - Who's keeping calendar?
- I am keeping calendar.Copy !req
360. You never told me you saw my mom
cheating on my dad.Copy !req
361. - You suck.
- I'm sorry, Jessi.Copy !req
362. You are a bad friend.Copy !req
363. Oh, fuck. Me and my big mouth.Copy !req
364. Big Mouth, that's the show,
that's the show.Copy !req
365. Hey you, and you at home
on the elliptical watching this,Copy !req
366. I see you.Copy !req
367. Don't you say a fucking word.Copy !req
368. We should get out of here.Copy !req
369. If we walk out now,
it'll look totally weird.Copy !req
370. Well, let's just not watch.Copy !req
371. Okay. Not watching.Copy !req
372. - What's he doing?
- Ooh.Copy !req
373. Mm-mmm. Oh, no, no, no, no.
Let's just— just keep doing this.Copy !req
374. Mmm— mm-mmm. Uh...Copy !req
375. - Hey, he's doing it again.
- Don't be afraid.Copy !req
376. - Mm-mmm. Oh, Daniel. Daniel, stop.
- What?Copy !req
377. I think I made it clear
I didn't want to do that.Copy !req
378. God, you're really tangled
and not sexually, huh?Copy !req
379. - Excuse me?
- Why are you being so weird?Copy !req
380. - Wow. You know what?
- Come on, what's your problem?Copy !req
381. This is my room but I'm out of here.Copy !req
382. - I have blue balls. That's assault.Copy !req
383. - That was...
- Awful.Copy !req
384. Ooh!Copy !req
385. Hot daddy.Copy !req
386. That is sweet stuff.Copy !req
387. - Hit me again.
- Are you sure?Copy !req
388. Yeah. What's the point of any of this?Copy !req
389. - It's all bullshit anyway.
- Yeah. It is bullshit.Copy !req
390. My family sucks.Copy !req
391. My family sucks, too.Copy !req
392. Party Wolf.Copy !req
393. Yeah.Copy !req
394. The hormones in this house
are going bananas cream pudding.Copy !req
395. Maury. Maury!Copy !req
396. I changed my mind.Copy !req
397. Oh, my God. What happened up there,
that was so messed up.Copy !req
398. I know. I'm sorry. I crossed a line.Copy !req
399. What? No, not you.Copy !req
400. That guy, trying to get Leah
to su—su— do something.Copy !req
401. We're all a little out of control tonight.Copy !req
402. Hey, Maury.
You can keep your dicks at my apartment.Copy !req
403. I'll give you your own dick drawer.Copy !req
404. Ow! Fuck you, coffee table.Copy !req
405. Wow. You taste so much better
than my bath mat.Copy !req
406. I think I'm gonna be sick.Copy !req
407. And I don't get any toenail clippings
after we—Copy !req
408. Oh, my God.Copy !req
409. - I'm so sorry.
- Meh, no biggie.Copy !req
410. Oh, what's this?
There's more? Wow!Copy !req
411. - Oh, my goodness.Copy !req
412. You always just have a string of scarves
hidden in your clothes?Copy !req
413. Yeah, you never know when someone's
gonna barf brandy on you.Copy !req
414. Thank you for being so cool about this.Copy !req
415. Are you kidding?
I'm just so jazzed you tongued me.Copy !req
416. This was a one-time thing, okay?Copy !req
417. - Oh, Jessi, I promise.
- Never to be discussed again.Copy !req
418. - I'm only gonna tell my brothers.
- Never discussed again.Copy !req
419. Yeah, okay, got it! Nobody.Copy !req
420. Party Wolf got Frenched.Copy !req
421. Hey, there you are.Copy !req
422. - Are you drinking coffee?
- Sort of.Copy !req
423. I didn't know how to make it, so I just
stirred up coffee grounds into warm water.Copy !req
424. It's actually— it's not bad.Copy !req
425. Nick, listen.Copy !req
426. Your sister was upstairs
with some guy in a beanie hat.Copy !req
427. Oh, that's Daniel.
Leah likes him.Copy !req
428. - Not anymore.
- Yeah. Never again.Copy !req
429. He was really aggressive.Copy !req
430. He tried to force her to do something
she did not want to do.Copy !req
431. You guys are crazy.
Daniel's the man.Copy !req
432. Friends, Romans, tech people,Copy !req
433. lend me your best impressions
for a game of celebrity.Copy !req
434. See, there's nothing cooler
than a person who's always on.Copy !req
435. - Janet Jackson.
- Madonna.Copy !req
436. - Barack Obama.
- Beyoncé.Copy !req
437. - Beyoncé!
- Nick, love Queen Bey.Copy !req
438. Who run the world?
Girls.Copy !req
439. - Yeah. All right.Copy !req
440. Hey. My turn.Copy !req
441. All right.
Our fabulous hostess, come on down.Copy !req
442. Thank you, Daniel.Copy !req
443. - Okay.
- Ooh, ooh!Copy !req
444. - You're making out with somebody.
- Kissing someone.Copy !req
445. Ooh, ooh! Barack Obama.Copy !req
446. And you're pushing someone's...Copy !req
447. - Coach Steve eating a sandwich.
- You're praying?Copy !req
448. You're praying to Mecca,
you're a Muslim.Copy !req
449. - Barack Hussein Obama.
- Someone kissing another person.Copy !req
450. - Is it Party Wolf?
- Daniel, you're doing Daniel.Copy !req
451. Wait, what? That's not me.Copy !req
452. Actually, that is so you.Copy !req
453. How is that Daniel?Copy !req
454. - He's a head pusher.
- He's a head pusher.Copy !req
455. - He did a head push.
- Head push?Copy !req
456. What is a head push?Copy !req
457. It's when a man pushes a woman's head
to try to get a blowjob.Copy !req
458. Wait, that's a move?Copy !req
459. Not a fan of the head push.Copy !req
460. All my life I've been waiting for them
to go down there.Copy !req
461. - I didn't know you could do a push.
- You can't push.Copy !req
462. No push. I'm not pushing, baby.Copy !req
463. Nick, I need to borrow your car.Copy !req
464. Okay, hold on.Copy !req
465. You're making it sound like
I assaulted you or something.Copy !req
466. - You tried to push my head down.
- I made a suggestion.Copy !req
467. Oh, yeah, and when I didn't take
your suggestion,Copy !req
468. - you did it again.
- Come on.Copy !req
469. I wish women were more sex positive,
but we're just not there yet.Copy !req
470. - What?
- Guys have to take the lead.Copy !req
471. I mean, come on. How else are guys
supposed to get blowjobs?Copy !req
472. You lean your head back,
arch your crotch in the airCopy !req
473. and say, "Dinner is served."Copy !req
474. Well, crazy idea.Copy !req
475. You could wait for a girl
to want to go down on you.Copy !req
476. Come on, that's not happening.
Am I right? Party Wolf?Copy !req
477. Or how about asking?Copy !req
478. Oh, good Lord, no.Copy !req
479. That sounds like the most
embarrassing conversation ever.Copy !req
480. - Well then, you don't get a blowjob.
- Okay, yeah.Copy !req
481. As long as no one has
to talk about it, I'm fine with that.Copy !req
482. Or you could go down on her.
Pleasure begets pleasure.Copy !req
483. Just don't pressure people.
It's not cool.Copy !req
484. Fine, I confess.
I assaulted Andrew in the closet.Copy !req
485. - I'm a mons pusher.
- Mons pusher?Copy !req
486. - Mons?
- A mons?Copy !req
487. Tell me something.
What exactly is a mons?Copy !req
488. The mons pubis? Oh.Copy !req
489. It's the, uh, the welcome mat
to the pleasure palace.Copy !req
490. I mean, let's be honest,
who doesn't love the mons?Copy !req
491. Very big on the mons, baby.Copy !req
492. - Well, your car is full of bees.Copy !req
493. I hope the irony of this
isn't lost on all of you.Copy !req
494. What the fuck are you talking about?Copy !req
495. This is a witch hunt,
just like The Cruise-ible.Copy !req
496. All I wanted was a blowjob
at a high school party.Copy !req
497. Is that such a crime?Copy !req
498. Hey, only I get to quote
my dad's law commercials.Copy !req
499. Look, nobody cherishes women
more than I do.Copy !req
500. Oh, yeah. You cherish them so muchCopy !req
501. that when a girl doesn't give you
a blowjob, you tell everyone she did.Copy !req
502. Daniel, you've been
a busy little asshole, huh?Copy !req
503. Hold on, he's the one?Copy !req
504. Well, this was a real teachable moment
and now it's become something so ugly.Copy !req
505. If you're looking
for something to blame here,Copy !req
506. and I'm backing out of the room,
it's party culture.Copy !req
507. Okay, you're officially the worst person.Copy !req
508. You're slut shaming me.
Shame on you.Copy !req
509. Wait, Daniel.Copy !req
510. Finally. Someone who gets it.
Preach, big man.Copy !req
511. Oh, I'm not big. I'm very little,Copy !req
512. and I've been drinking cotton candy brandy
and I think coffee grounds all night long,Copy !req
513. and I just want you to know, Daniel...Copy !req
514. Uh, Leah, would you give
Daniel back his hat?Copy !req
515. - Thanks, Nicky.
- Leah, you're better than this.Copy !req
516. No. I'm really not.Copy !req
517. Oh, my God.Copy !req
518. - Here you go, man.
- Uh...Copy !req
519. I kind of wish we had just gone
to see Carpet Ceiling.Copy !req
520. - You know that's not a real movie, right?
- I know.Copy !req
521. Missy, you really didn't do anything wrong
in that closet.Copy !req
522. You're being very sweet,
but I'm a danger to myself and others.Copy !req
523. - [car approaches, horn honks]
- It was me, I...Copy !req
524. - My parents.
- Missy—Copy !req
525. Prompt as usual.Copy !req
526. - Oh...Copy !req
527. Maury, why is this all so complicated?Copy !req
528. I know I'm a broken record on this
but Mercury is in retrograde.Copy !req
529. Enough with the astrology.Copy !req
530. Spoken like a two-faced fucking Gemini.Copy !req
531. Anyway, I'll always be here
for you, buddy.Copy !req
532. There you are, Maury.Copy !req
533. - Let's go to my place, huh?
- One sec, baby.Copy !req
534. Hey, man, I got a medical emergency
so I got to bounce.Copy !req
535. Jack off twice and page me in the morning.Copy !req
536. - Come on, boys.Copy !req
537. Bye, head pusher.Copy !req
538. - A pox on this party.Copy !req
539. - Wow, Jud, you slashed Daniel's tires?
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
540. - Didn't you just—
- Who's Daniel?Copy !req
541. Okay. I'll take it.Copy !req
542. So, did you guys hear the news?Copy !req
543. - What news?
- Daniel is... dead.Copy !req
544. He's dead?Copy !req
545. - Dead.
- What happened?Copy !req
546. The cotton candy brandy
seeped into his brain,Copy !req
547. he got a tumor, two weeks later...Copy !req
548. - Dead.
- Oh, so, when's the funeral?Copy !req
549. It was supposed to be tomorrow
but it got pushed.Copy !req