Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis 1x21

Directed by Scott Aukerman

Jerry Seinfeld as Self • Cardi B as Self • Wayne Knight as Self

Jerry Seinfeld and Cardi B sit down with Zach Galifianakis for an interview without coffee, cars, or money moves.

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1. - Where is he?

2. Where's Zach?

3. - God.

4. I was just trying to scare her.

5. I was just, like in the

6. Halloween spirit of it all.

7. - Not a good idea around the Secret Service.

8. Are you okay?

9. - I'm fine.

10. I'm focused.

11. Let's start.

12. Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.

13. I'm your host Zach Galifianakis,

14. and my guest today is Hilary Clinton.

15. Thank you very much, Mrs. Clinton, for being here.

16. Critics have questioned some of your

17. decision-making recently,

18. and by you doing this show,

19. I hope it finally lays that to rest.

20. - Oh, I think it absolutely proves their case, don't you?

21. - Are you excited to be the first girl president?

22. - Well, I mean, being president would be

23. such an extraordinary honor and responsibility,

24. but being the first woman elected president

25. and what that would mean for our country

26. and particularly what that would mean for,

27. you know, not just little girls,

28. little boys too, that's pretty special.

29. - Mhmm, not to take away from that

30. historic significance of you perhaps

31. becoming the first female president,

32. but for a younger, younger generation,

33. you will also become their first white president,

34. and that's pretty neat too.

35. As secretary, how many words per minute could you type?

36. And how does President Obama like his coffee,

37. like himself, weak?

38. - You know, Zach, those are really

39. out of date questions.

40. You need to get out more.

41. - What happens if you become pregnant?

42. Are we gonna be stuck with Tim Kaine for nine months?

43. How does this work?

44. - I could send you some pamphlets

45. that might help you understand.

46. - First you supported Obama's

47. Transpacific Partnership Deal,

48. and then you were against it.

49. I think that people deserve to know,

50. are you down with TPP?

51. - I'm not down with TPP.

52. - No, you're supposed to say,

53. "Yeah, you know me."

54. Like the hip hop group—

55. - Don't tell me what to say.

56. - Fine, lose.

57. Country goes to shit.

58. Let's talk about Trump.

59. - Oh, let's.

60. - When you see how well it works

61. for Donald Trump,

62. do you ever think to yourself,

63. "Oh, maybe I should be more racist?"

64. When he's elected president

65. and Kid Rock becomes Secretary of State,

66. are you gonna move to Canada,

67. or one of the Arctics?

68. - I would stay in the United States.

69. - And what would you try to—

70. - Try to prevent him from destroying

71. the United States.

72. - So you're gonna lead the Civil War?

73. - No, I wouldn't take up arms.

74. I think that might be a little extreme.

75. - Oh right, because you were saying

76. before we were rolling that you wanted

77. to take away everyone's guns.

78. Very cool,

79. cool, cool, cool.

80. - I really regret doing this.

81. - Any regrets over losing the Scott Baio vote?

82. - Not a one.

83. - So it wasn't heartbreaking that—

84. - No.

85. - Yeah, but Chachi.

86. I mean, who's gonna be next?

87. Max Headroom?

88. I'd love to meet the person who makes your pants suits.

89. - Oh really?

90. - Yeah, because for Halloween,

91. I wanted to go as a librarian from outer space.

92. - I think that would be a good look on you.

93. - Have you thought about what you're gonna

94. be wearing at the debates?

95. - You know, there's this thing called

96. the double standard,

97. and so I think about, well,

98. what should the first woman nominee

99. of one of our two major parties wear to the debate,

100. and I have no idea,

101. so if you've got suggestions,

102. I'm open to them.

103. - Do you wonder what your opponent might be wearing?

104. I mean—

105. - I assume he'll wear that red power tie.

106. - Or maybe like a white power tie.

107. - That's even more appropriate.

108. - When you went to Donald Trump's wedding,

109. did he write his own vows,

110. and did Michelle Obama write Melania's?

111. - I really couldn't see or hear very well,

112. so I'm not quite sure what his vows were,

113. but I'm sure they were great,

114. and huge, and wonderful.

115. - Like his bowels.

116. Chelsea, your daughter,

117. and Ivanka Trump, Trump's daughter, are friends.

118. Does Ivanka ever call Chelsea, you know,

119. to talk about boys that might have crushes on her,

120. like her dad?

121. - I don't think so.

122. - What's gonna be the number one focus of your presidency?

123. - Oh, Zach, it has to be the economy.

124. We need more good jobs

125. with rising incomes.

126. We gotta make the economy work for everybody,

127. not just those at the top—

128. - We need to take a break.

129. We just need to have a word from our sponsor, okay.

130. - Washington is broken.

131. The truth is, too many politicians

132. are totally controlled by special interests and lobbyists.

133. We're going to make America great again.

134. I'm Donald Trump, and I approve this message.

135. - He approves the message.

136. - Why would you play a commercial

137. from my opponent in the middle of our interview?

138. - He paid me in steaks.

139. - I'd be afraid to eat them if I were you.

140. - It's a good cut of meat.

141. I think it's part of the asshole.

142. Well, this has been a lot of fun, Mrs. Clinton.

143. We should stay in touch.

144. What's the best way to reach you, email?

145. - You got mail.