BEEF 2x5

1. No, I know how busy you are, so yeah.

2. That you could come through like that really means a lot.

3. I appreciate you. Ashley appreciates it too.

4. - Anything for you. - Oh.

5. You're the man, David. Thank you.

6. - What's that? - You know, golf.

7. - Free round of golf? Yeah. - Yeah.

8. Yeah, anytime outside of peak hours.

9. Actually, I was thinking Saturday morning.

10. Oh, Saturday morning?

11. I can make that work. I got you.

12. Okay.

13. Yeah, I gotta go. What's that?

14. Yeah, free round of golf means a full foursome. That's right.

15. Okay, thanks.

16. You really need to stop drinking that.

17. Full of sugar.

18. Where's Burberry?

19. What are you talking about? He's home with you.

20. No, he was with you.

21. - Burberry? - Burberry?

22. - Burberry? - Burberry?

23. Burberry! Burberry!

24. I've got Monkey!

25. Berry, Mummy loves you!

26. Berry!

27. - Burberry! - Linds!

28. Is everything okay?

29. Burberry got out!

30. - Oh my God, how? - I don't know.

31. I think one of us must've left the door open.

32. Devices.

33. Devices. Yeah.

34. - Devices. - Oh.

35. - That's it. - Yeah.

36. You know, my son set this up for me.

37. I don't talk to him anymore. He married a woman in Guam.

38. Okay.

39. You know, I think I did see the tiniest pistachio car

40. on my morning walk, driving slowly.

41. A Miata, I think.

42. My sister had a Miata. Those people know how to make a car.

43. Do you mind if I take the wheel here for a second?

44. Thanks. Okay, so there we go. Now, my wife was home at 8:00.

45. I got home at noon, so I'm just going to scrub to 8:30.

46. She left the door open, so I think he must've headed west.

47. I know what you need.

48. I'm gonna warm up a chestnut loaf pâté.

49. - Do dogs like that? - No, it's for you, handsome.

50. Be back in 30.

51. Uh, no. I really... I really should get going.

52. Don't move a muscle.

53. And let me know when you get to the Hispanic walking down the street.

54. Oh, that... that's me.

55. You're Greek.

56. Burberry! It's your father!

57. Burberry!

58. What's... what's Ava saying?

59. She just said that a dog was found at the gas station, like, an hour ago.

60. Okay. All right, do you want to update?

61. That's why I'm on my phone, is I'm updating my Nextdoor post.

62. Oh my God, Childish Gambino just shared my post on his story.

63. Well, I've got all of Ojai PD and FD on it, so...

64. Thank you for doing that.

65. Yeah, it's just a little tricky juggling it all.

66. Okay.

67. - Hello? - Hi. Is this Lindsay Crane?

68. Yeah.

69. - Great, I think we have your dog here. - Brown dachshund, 12 years old.

70. - They have him? - Yes, yes, that's... that's...

71. - He really loves to play fetch. - Yes, yes! Oh my God.

72. Thank you so much.

73. - Ojai Valley Animal Shelter. - Oh, babe.

74. - I love you. I love you. - I love you.

75. That's very cool about Gambino.

76. - Hi, sorry. - Hi.

77. Hi, we just spoke about our dachshund.

78. - Yes, Lindsay Crane. - Yes!

79. Yeah, I saw Gambino's story. So sick.

80. Yeah, he's the best.

81. - Is... is Burberry okay? - Yeah, he's great.

82. He's just a little scratched up, but it could've been worse.

83. - Oh my God. - You guys just sit tight, okay?

84. I'm gonna go grab him, then we'll fill out some forms.

85. - You'll be on your way, okay? - Oh my God. Amazing.

86. Gracias, mi amigo.

87. Here we are, see? It's okay, babe.

88. - Everything's gonna be okay. - Yeah.

89. Everything's gonna be all right.

90. - I can't believe that happened. - Yeah, me neither. Me neither.

91. Yeah, we've got to figure out a system where we keep the doors closed, you know?

92. Yeah.

93. I mean, yeah, don't worry about that now. It's... it's not your fault.

94. All right, all right, here he is!

95. Nice to have a happy ending once in a while.

96. - No, no, that's not our dog. - That's not our dog.

97. Uh, what?

98. Are you sure?

99. - Yeah, we're sure. - Not our dog.

100. Can you check? Do you have another dachshund?

101. No, this is the only dachshund in a 60-mile radius.

102. - Oh my God. Oh fuck. - Two hundred if you're talking purebred.

103. All right, thank you. Let's go.

104. This isn't a no-kill shelter.

105. - Excuse me? - What the fuck does that mean?

106. What if you tried fostering for a few days?

107. Just to try it out.

108. - Bro... - We're very overcrowded, okay?

109. And, you know, they do say that most dogs won't be found after the first 48 hours.

110. So in the scenario that you don't find your dog,

111. well, you'll have this guy.

112. He looks just like him.

113. And in the other scenario, your dog will have a new best friend.

114. Either way, in both scenarios... this dog is still alive.

115. Go away. It's not yours.

116. No.

117. It's not yours. No.

118. What the fuck is your problem?

119. You know what? I'm not gonna argue. I'm just gonna present the facts.

120. I remember I noticed this mug

121. that you left here on the table.

122. And I distinctly remember staring at a closed door

123. and thinking, "Don't nag Josh about this."

124. And yet you did. Where was Burberry when you left?

125. Like I said before...

126. Hmm...

127. he was eating his breakfast like he does every morning at 9:00 a.m.

128. Well, that's not true, actually. He doesn't do that every day.

129. Just the other day, he woke up at 4:00 a.m. to eat, right?

130. Sorry, what are you talking about? 4:00 a.m. is the middle of the night.

131. The middle of the night is midnight. That's... that's why it's called midnight.

132. Okay, so you're saying that people stay up to celebrate New Year's Eve

133. in the middle of the night?

134. What... what does that have to do with what we're talking about?

135. You're assuming that this is my fault.

136. - You do this shit all the time. - Oh my God. You're fucking delusional.

137. You know, you do this. You always need someone to blame,

138. so you distort reality to build some absurd narrative.

139. No, I'm just pointing out a pattern of behavior.

140. Do you not remember my mother's fucking stroke?

141. Oh my God. I forgot her seizure meds once.

142. - Once is all it takes. - She was fine.

143. I just assumed that when you said you were past it,

144. we... we actually had moved past it.

145. No, I am. I'm past it.

146. I'm just saying that I have to clean up after your mess all the time,

147. and it's fucking exhausting.

148. So when you got back, did you check every room?

149. No, obviously I didn't, because Berry's never not sprinted to the door

150. the moment we get home.

151. So obviously, I assumed he was with you.

152. Um, not so.

153. Top Gun: Maverick? Hello?

154. Do you not remember coming home late

155. to Burberry sound asleep in bed with his monkey?

156. I even took a picture. I think I have it.

157. First of all, that was Bullet Train!

158. I didn't get to go see Top Gun: Maverick at the theater because you had COVID.

159. I knew you'd hold this against me. I got COVID at your stupid mezcal night.

160. - Oh, is it stupid now? - Yeah!

161. You are so full of shit.

162. You couldn't get enough of Mescal Mezcal Night.

163. I remember distinctly because I fell asleep to Aftersun

164. and woke up to you crying.

165. So do you also remember us coming home very late,

166. in the middle of the night, to Berry not sprinting to our feet

167. because he was stuck in the laundry closet?

168. Oh, not so, not so. Hello?

169. That was more like 5:00 a.m. Thank you very much!

170. If I remember correctly, he was stuck in there

171. because you kept telling me for 3 months you'd buy a doorstop.

172. And I kept saying, "Let me just order one on Amazon."

173. And you freaked out because it'd be undermining your vision.

174. Oh, you fucked up. You fucked up! This is good.

175. - Huh? - This is great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on.

176. - What? - Ah, ah.

177. April 16, 2022,

178. aged-brass, traditional four-inch doorstop.

179. And I actually said, "I think I can make this work,"

180. and ordered it for you, you goddamn fucking idiot.

181. This is childish.

182. You believe whatever you want, Lindsay. I know that I didn't leave this door open.

183. Well, I didn't, so I know you did leave it open.

184. Josh?

185. Going to the club, buddy. I'll be right back. You're safe.

186. Is that so hard?

187. Oh, you're gonna throw yourself into work

188. because you don't know how to process feelings!

189. Oh, Mrs. Pastner, perfect timing.

190. There you go, milady. You look beautiful today.

191. - How are we doing? Good. - Great.

192. All right, hey, Billy. Billy, Billy, it's been a minute, man.

193. Another Long Island? Can I get you another one?

194. I'm gonna get you another one.

195. Another round for the whole table. How about that?

196. On the house. On the house. That's how we do it.

197. - Hello. - Hi. How are you doing?

198. Ooh!

199. Are we loving the scones? Are we loving them?

200. - Oh my God. - Good, loving the scones.

201. God, I love that face.

202. How are you real? I still can't believe that you're just...

203. I'm gonna be so fucking dirty with you tonight.

204. - Yes, please. - My man.

205. Hey.

206. Wha...

207. Valet's got your car out front whenever you're ready.

208. I went ahead and did a quick detail. That's why... that's why my pants are wet.

209. - How are we doing? We all done here? - Hey, Josh, man, how are you holding up?

210. Oh my God. We heard about Burberry. We are so, so sorry.

211. It's fine.

212. It's sad, but, you know, shit happens. It's okay.

213. Sit down, man. You've been through a lot.

214. Thank you. No, no, I can't. Sorry. I got to go check on the lockers.

215. They haven't been tidying them up lately, so I gotta give a little...

216. Hey, can we get Josh a Negroni? That's your drink, right?

217. - Seriously, I'm good, I'm good. - He'll have two Negronis.

218. It's all about work-life balance, man.

219. - So true. - No, I'm fine.

220. Work's really good for me.

221. Not today it's not. Oh, I know.

222. Babe, are you okay if I whisk Josh away tonight on the PJ?

223. - I know we got plans, and I want those. - No, please go.

224. You guys need your boys' time. I'll be here waiting for you.

225. I frickin' love you. I frickin' love her.

226. All right, listen. I got the perfect idea. Wheels up in 40.

227. Okay.

228. Okay, fuck it.

229. Okay, I will say, Officer,

230. I think it's actually a very good use of police time.

231. Sorry, excuse me.

232. And I was actually told that Josh had connected with you, so

233. this is illuminating.

234. Okay, goodbye.

235. Hello. Sorry. Ooh, that's lovely. Hi.

236. Lindsay. Oh my God.

237. I got your email blast. I can't even.

238. - Yeah. - Are you okay?

239. Uh, no, I'm not.

240. Um, do you mind putting up some of these?

241. Oh. Sure. Of course.

242. I was thinking, like, one here and then, like, a couple back there.

243. - I can do it if it's easier. - No. No, no, no.

244. You just go do what you gotta do.

245. - I will put these up. - Thank you. Okay.

246. Thank you. Thanks.

247. Sorry. Excuse me, excuse me. Thank you.

248. Mm.

249. I really should get back to Linds. How long is this gonna be?

250. I don't... Knowing you, it's probably gonna be a while.

251. I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for this.

252. I just feel like... I'm feeling bad that I left Lindsay back there, you know?

253. Yeah. Let's go back, then. I'll walk you to the plane.

254. I swear, man, if you're bringing me to the Rhino again,

255. I'm gonna walk straight out.

256. You think I'd be talking to you if we were at the Rhino?

257. Oh shit. We're in your chalet?

258. - Yep. - This does not bode well.

259. You got Hot Chip?

260. You got fucking Hot Chip?

261. They were in town for a festival. Called a few favors in.

262. You did this for me?

263. I got you, mi amigo.

264. Bro!

265. Oh shit. It's Hans Zimmer. I gotta take this.

266. Enjoy. Now. Enjoy.

267. Okay.

268. Hey, Josh.

269. - Hey! - Hey, don't you own a Minimoog?

270. I do.

271. You should come up.

272. No, no, no, no, no.

273. Okay.

274. Excuse me.

275. Hello. Hi.

276. Uh, sorry to bother. Have you seen this dog?

277. Ashley?

278. Hey.

279. I'm gonna... come over.

280. We saw your post, and we figured we'd come help.

281. That's so incredibly nice of you.

282. You're literally the only ones who've come out.

283. We really love dogs.

284. Yeah, they're the best.

285. Someone found his collar near Ojai and Montgomery.

286. Maybe someone found him, then.

287. Do you know how he got out?

288. I'm pretty sure Josh left the door open.

289. I mean, he swears he didn't.

290. Oh, I don't know. Maybe it was me.

291. God, if this is my fault...

292. I mean, he's just an innocent little dog. All he wanted was to make us happy.

293. He probably ran out the door to find us 'cause he fucking hates being alone.

294. If he's dead, and it's my fault, I just... I don't know. I don't even know.

295. No, no, no. Don't think like that.

296. We'll help you look, however long it takes.

297. I've gotta get to the club for a session. I don't think we can help too long.

298. You go back. I can Uber home.

299. No, no, no, no, no. You... you don't need to do that.

300. Yeah, I don't think that's the best idea.

301. Austin, I can meet you back at home. I really wanna do this.

302. I guess I could drive her back.

303. I'll have her back by curfew.

304. Just make sure you take it easy. Yeah?

305. This one time, I thought I lost my keys, and then they appeared out of nowhere, so...

306. Oh.

307. - Uh, can I help you with those? - Um, yeah.

308. Um, except I've done this whole street, so there's no point.

309. Don't need to go all the way to the end.

310. Everybody on this block is just fucking useless.

311. Whoo!

312. He's good, isn't he?

313. "Stuck in Utah with Troy and Hot Chip."

314. "Will explain later."

315. Can you fucking believe it?

316. He's off traipsing around doing his usual GM bullshit fucking nonsense with Troy,

317. while you, the fucking Gen Z employee, no offense,

318. are out in the middle of nowhere with me.

319. Fuck him. I hate that guy.

320. - No offense. - No, fuck him. Fuck him.

321. We'll find Burberry on our own.

322. Okay, so someone heard a bark over here, a ranch, a mile east,

323. and then that nice portly lady heard tapping at the door here.

324. So, if we triangulate from where his collar was found,

325. which is here, and given the fact that he hates the cold,

326. he would head towards the area last touched by the sun,

327. which is here, right?

328. Yeah, yeah, of course.

329. Wait.

330. No, yeah, that's right. Mm-hmm.

331. I've gone mad, haven't I?

332. No.

333. No, no, I, uh...

334. I totally get it.

335. I just went through a health thing.

336. Oh God, yes. Josh said he sent David for you.

337. That was so nice of him.

338. So what happened?

339. Uh, I had to have an ovary removed.

340. You had an ovary removed?

341. Yeah, and, you know,

342. it makes having a kid a lot harder, obviously,

343. and I definitely wanna be a mom,

344. so I totally get, like, being overwhelmed when you lose something important.

345. I guess it was a good thing you got that health insurance, then.

346. Right?

347. - Thank you for understanding. - Yeah.

348. I just know that Berry's still out there, and I'm not gonna stop looking.

349. Honestly, it's the healthiest thing you can do, probably.

350. Yeah, well, I'm out of practice in that regard, trusting myself.

351. What?

352. No way. You're... you're so confident.

353. And independent.

354. I'm honestly so impressed you're out here on your own. I'd be a mess.

355. Are you okay?

356. Do you wanna talk?

357. No, I'm fine. It's just, you know,

358. typical marriage stuff.

359. Does Josh not treat you well?

360. Mm, it's complicated.

361. That night we saw you two fighting.

362. Does that happen often?

363. No.

364. No, I mean, not like that.

365. Does he make you do things you don't wanna do, like financially?

366. What are you suggesting?

367. Nothing. Nothing.

368. I just know that money is the main thing that Austin and I argue about.

369. Yeah.

370. Well, that never really goes away.

371. Anyway, it's getting late. I've still got to check the hiking trails.

372. I'm gonna call you an Uber.

373. Where are we?

374. Look,

375. I know I don't know you very well, but you seem, like,

376. so perfect.

377. And, like, I... I don't know your guys' history or whatever,

378. but Josh kind of doesn't deserve you.

379. You know, like, if he wants to be in Utah

380. or threaten you

381. or, like, be all shady and stuff,

382. then you should just kick him to the curb 'cause you're awesome.

383. You know, and you're so pretty. Like, you could have anybody you want.

384. - You're just being nice. - No, I mean it.

385. I literally hope I look half as good as you when I'm your age.

386. Let's get you home.

387. What are you doing to your daddy?

388. What's that food?

389. - Can I interest you in a nightcap? - Uh, no, thanks. I'm all good.

390. Sure? It's a Yamasaki 25 single malt.

391. Yeah, I'll have a little bit.

392. Wow.

393. - Cheers. - Cheers.

394. - Hey, you're up too, huh? - Hey.

395. - Yeah, yeah. - Ooh.

396. - I hate turbulence. - Yeah.

397. Rocky Mountains, huh?

398. Hey. Thanks again for tonight.

399. That was so much fun.

400. No, really, I haven't had that much fun in a long time.

401. My pleasure.

402. Sometimes you just gotta recharge with the boys

403. so you can plug back into the Matrix.

404. Ain't that the truth.

405. - Hey. - Huh?

406. How are you and Ava? Are you guys happy?

407. Oh yeah. Yeah.

408. Good sex and good food.

409. All you need for a successful marriage.

410. That's great. That's really good.

411. You and Lindsay good?

412. Ups and downs.

413. Got it.

414. So the sex is bad. How's the food?

415. We order DoorDash every day.

416. These apps are killing us, man.

417. Fucking killing us.

418. Do you think that I've changed since I've been with Lindsay?

419. Oh yeah. Big time, big time.

420. You kind of sucked before that.

421. I wasn't that bad.

422. You were hooking up with a new girl every week like a goddamn coyote.

423. Yeah, but... did I seem happier?

424. Depends on how you define happy.

425. Hey, every relationship goes through rough patches.

426. Lindsay's good for you, man.

427. When you started at the club, you were an aimless kid,

428. and now, you know, you're, like, this GM head honcho, dude.

429. Can't throw away someone who's made you better.

430. - Yeah. - I get it though. I get...

431. Oh fuck.

432. We all get tempted, man.

433. What?

434. Ashley.

435. Bev cart to office associate? You think I don't know?

436. Oh, no, no, no. It's nothing like that.

437. Okay, so now you're gonna outplay the player?

438. - Dude. - Think about it.

439. Heard you fired Deb for that shit.

440. - You think I don't know this? - No, you... you really don't know.

441. Listen, I'm not saying I'm not proud of you.

442. I'm just saying you gotta be more careful with that stuff.

443. Same sitch with my first wife.

444. Remember Nicole from my office, huh?

445. The moment you finish, you're gonna want Lindsay back.

446. Trust.

447. Don't shit where you eat.

448. Okay.

449. Unless you really gotta go.

450. Then I'd just, you know...

451. Burberry!

452. Burberry!

453. Treats!

454. Treats!

455. Where are you? Mummy's got treats!

456. Burberry?

457. Burberry! I'm coming!

458. Berry!

459. Here's Mummy! Where are you?

460. Berry, can you hear me?

461. Berry!

462. Fuck off!

463. Stay away!

464. I know this isn't your fault!

465. We took your land!

466. Stay away!

467. Fuck off, coyote! Fuck off!

468. No!

469. Oh my God.

470. Oh God. Is he... is he okay?

471. They're operating on him now. He got... bitten pretty badly.

472. Is Dr. Kemper doing the surgery? I called ahead to put in a good word.

473. Yeah, it's Kemper. Thank you for doing that.

474. Okay, of course.

475. He's gonna be okay. He's gonna be okay.

476. I'm sorry I left the door open.

477. It was probably me.

478. Are you okay?

479. No.

480. I'm not.

481. - This isn't working. - I know. I know.

482. We need a divorce.

483. I know.

484. I'm so sorry.