BEEF 1x5

1. On your right.

2. - Is that an SLR 9? - Sure is.

3. That's crazy. I used to have one of those.

4. - Yeah? - I don't do carbon anymore, though.

5. Aluminum is just the king.

6. Yeah, I was thinking about making the switch.

7. How far you headed?

8. - Just down Old Topanga and back. - Oh, word, me too.

9. - It's nice to have a riding partner today. - Definitely.

10. I'm George, by the way.

11. Hey. I'm Zane.

12. Ugh. Fucking house arrest, and now this?

13. I can't believe I got shingles on top of everything else.

14. It's stress, dude.

15. Power of the mind. Mind over matter.

16. - It's the power of herpes. - Shut the fuck up, Bobby.

17. Yo, herpes zoster.

18. - Stop saying "herpes." - It's chicken pox.

19. Not everything is science. It helps to relax.

20. Relax? Thanks, Michael. How am I supposed to relax?

21. They got me crossing state lines, grand larceny, assault. I'm fucked.

22. - I'm fucked, dude.

23. It's your cousin.

24. Don't be all welcoming and shit. I want him to feel bad.

25. Yo, long time, man. Sick beanie, bro.

26. Fuck you.

27. - Okay. - Hey, Danny.

28. Come on in. Nice to see you.

29. I'm going to prison for the both of us, and that's what you brought?

30. - Sara Lee pound cake? - I—

31. I just made a quick stop.

32. Whatever. Cut the shit up.

33. Thick slices. Put it in the microwave for 15 seconds.

34. Okay. What the...?

35. You think there's gluten in here?

36. The whole fucking thing is gluten.

37. Hey, you know,

38. I tried to tell the cops it wasn't all you,

39. but they wouldn't believe me.

40. - Yeah? You told the cops? - I did. Like—

41. They knew the truck and business were under your name, so it's like...

42. None of this would've went down if you didn't steal a fridge.

43. Who registers a mini fridge? What the fuck?

44. None of it would've went down if your brother didn't steal the truck.

45. This is that plant bitch's fault.

46. Yeah? The plant bitch, will she pay my legal fees?

47. Pay back the 20K you owe me?

48. I got to thinking, "There's no way this bitch is self-made."

49. All that bragging about pouring milk into mouths?

50. - Shut up, liar. What are you talking—? - The fuck are you talking about?

51. The plant bitch, the milk, what are you talking about?

52. It always fucked with me she wasn't married to some white dude.

53. And guess what,

54. her husband is the son of a big Japanese artist.

55. Dude, she married into art money.

56. They got all this crazy shit we could steal.

57. No, for real. He told me all about his father's pieces.

58. - You're hanging out with the husband now? - Don't worry, I didn't tell my real name.

59. I introduced myself as Zane.

60. - Oh! - Fuck.

61. You're out there doing fucking cosplay?

62. Here's what you'll do. You'll finish working at the church,

63. and then I'll cash that check. I'm gonna cash it!

64. You work, I cash.

65. And then I'm gonna keep cashing.

66. I'll keep cashing till I can pay off the lawyer to keep me out of jail, okay?

67. Is that cool?

68. Does that work for you?

69. You see that?

70. I was there. K-Town riots. Just off of frame.

71. If they just used the wider lens, I'd be in the history books.

72. Oh, fuck, dude, this is good.

73. You guys try this?

74. This shit is so heavy, bro.

75. Fuck this job.

76. What the fuck, Bobby? What did I tell you about the gun, dude?

77. - What? - Come on, this is a church.

78. - Put it in the car. - Relax. I forgot.

79. Remember Dick? Remember him and his friend?

80. I don't know any Dicks, bro. Who's naming their kid Dick anymore?

81. The former vice president Dick Cheney is who I'm talking about, dude.

82. He shot his friend in the fucking face, dude.

83. Fine. I'll put it in the car.

84. Did you ever hear of the Harvard crow study?

85. - I got waitlisted at Harvard. - I know.

86. They put this dude in a Dick Cheney mask and he was mean to these crows,

87. and the crows talked to other crows.

88. All over the country, no matter where Cheney was,

89. crows would attack his ass.

90. They'd be chirping at his face, just pecking him and shit.

91. I got into UT Austin as well.

92. Dope.

93. Yo, thanks for helping with this, guys.

94. We're just here to get paid, man.

95. - Not paid enough, right? - Know what I mean?

96. Hey, I heard you guys started working for Isaac about two years ago.

97. Is that what he said? Working for him, not with him?

98. He's been doing that since we were kids,

99. telling you that you're equals, but he always ends up being the alpha.

100. - He wishes he was alpha. - Dude's not even a beta.

101. Yeah, no, he's like zeta. Catherine Zeta-Jones.

102. What?

103. Cool.

104. Yeah. Yeah, dude's got no vision.

105. Yeah, I got vision, though. Just no one can see my vision but me.

106. Yo, your art heist idea?

107. - Fucking fuego. - Yup.

108. Thanks, man.

109. She upgraded her security system,

110. but I got in before, I can get in again.

111. What did you steal last time?

112. Oh. Uh...

113. I, uh...

114. I pissed all over her bathroom.

115. Like, gallons.

116. Very cool.

117. I told her I was a contractor and walked right in.

118. Yo, we could say we're contractors.

119. Yup.

120. Nah, I already did that one, so, you know...

121. Well, you know, but there's no bad ideas.

122. I'm not like Isaac. This is a three-way street.

123. What did you have in mind?

124. - Zane, my man. - Yo.

125. Thanks for coming, man. I know it was short notice.

126. Man, thanks for having me.

127. I normally have to lead praise band rehearsal, but I have a day off.

128. I know you.

129. - Sorry. She's weird around new people. - Oh, no, it's...

130. Come on in.

131. Oh, man, beautiful home.

132. This is a timeless kitchen, man.

133. Ah. Thanks, Zane.

134. I know you.

135. Sweetie, we don't do that. Okay? That's not how we greet new guests.

136. One sec, let me get her some candy.

137. - Oh, hey, I have some Skittles. - Oh, you do? In your pocket?

138. Got a sweet tooth.

139. Can I have some, please?

140. If Zane gives you some, are you gonna stop saying "I know you"?

141. I always keep a bag in my truck,

142. - so any time, just ask. Okay? - Okay.

143. - Can I use your bathroom? - Yeah. Straight down to the left.

144. Thanks.

145. Uh, don't shoot the messenger,

146. but I think there's a leak in your plumbing.

147. I heard some trickling behind the tiles.

148. Fudge sundae.

149. - Really? - Yeah, I think so.

150. Shoot.

151. Well, I gotta call Amy.

152. - She handles all the house stuff. - Dude, we can handle this.

153. You know what? Let's do some research.

154. - I'll do the research. - No, it's too much trouble.

155. Not a problem at all. I'm on it.

156. - Really? - Yeah. Looking up plumbers right now.

157. Thanks, man. You're the best.

158. Yo, best recognize best.

159. - Hey.

160. Nice. Danny just texted a list of shit to buy.

161. This is what I'm talking about, man. Finally, a fucking plan.

162. - Yo. - Yo?

163. Overalls. That's the move.

164. No, bro. Farmers wear overalls, dude.

165. - So do plumbers. - No, they don't. This ain't a video game.

166. - Where you see a farmer at? - I went apple picking a couple weeks ago.

167. Let's buy this shit.

168. All right.

169. This is where it all goes down.

170. Wow. Very cool.

171. What are those?

172. Oh, uh...

173. Those are my late father's pieces.

174. Right. I remember you mentioning him.

175. - Right. - This just returned from the gallery.

176. - Tamago, the Holy Grail. - Wow.

177. No offense to your dad, um,

178. but, I don't know, these pieces kind of feel like a little out of a place,

179. compared to all the crazy, creative stuff you got going on everywhere else.

180. Really?

181. Yeah, I mean, like, this is what I imagine when I hear about fine art, you know?

182. Makes me feel like...

183. I don't know how to describe it. I'm not good at this shit.

184. There's no bad way of interpreting art.

185. Say whatever comes to mind.

186. I mean, you know, I don't know if it's right, but...

187. Uh, I don't know, it kind of makes me...

188. feel sad.

189. Gives me like a...

190. a sticky feeling inside,

191. I don't know, like in my chest, in my legs.

192. I don't know, I'm just, like, going off the top of my head.

193. Wow, um...

194. You okay? Did I do that wrong? That was—

195. No, no. You did great. Um...

196. I don't know,

197. sometimes I just feel like a fraud, you know?

198. - Hmm. - When my dad passed away,

199. my first thought was, "I wonder if he died disappointed."

200. No one ever told me otherwise, so, um...

201. That was really nice. Thank you, thank you.

202. Yeah, no problem, man. I mean, you got the gift.

203. I'm so glad I met you, man.

204. I've been kind of lonely lately.

205. My wife's been so busy making all these big life decisions without me.

206. I know we just met,

207. but I feel like you actually care.

208. You're a good person.

209. I have a good sense about these things.

210. Thanks, man.

211. I gotta make a quick call, if that's cool?

212. - Yeah. Yes, please. Yeah. - I'll be right back.

213. - Yo, Danny. What's up? - Michael.

214. Hey, dude, plan's off. Okay? I don't have time to explain.

215. What? Did you do the leak?

216. Yeah, but there's nothing worth stealing here.

217. - They got a TV, though, don't they? - Yeah, they have a TV.

218. - But just forget it, okay? - We already got all the stuff, man.

219. - What do you mean? Just put it back. - It's in the cart.

220. - You can't put it back. It's rude. - It's not rude.

221. Dude, if you won't do it, then we will. Send me her address.

222. - No, I am not giving you their address. - Don't make us look it up. We'll find it.

223. We're not robbing this house.

224. - Come on. Dude! - End of story.

225. Plan's off.

226. - Fucking Chos, man. - Yeah.

227. So, what now?

228. Listen for trickling water.

229. Hi. Can I help you?

230. - Hey. - Hey.

231. We were just driving by in the neighborhood,

232. - and we noticed— We're plumbers. - We're plumbers.

233. We noticed that you might have a little water leak.

234. - You guys are good. How'd you know? - You could have a pinhole leak.

235. - It's caused by heavy minerals. - Yup.

236. And I gotta tell you, as professionals, it's not safe.

237. There could be dangerous mold growing in there right now.

238. We recommend you get out immediately, so we can take care of it, if you'd like.

239. You know, I appreciate all the info, but I'm gonna get a second opinion.

240. Uh, there's two of us, so...

241. I have an opinion, he's got one. There's two of them there.

242. - I'm sure. Thank you, guys. Take care. - The longer you wait,

243. - the worse it's gonna get. - Way worse.

244. I could totally tell they were scamming me.

245. So I watched a few videos, I bought a few fans,

246. and then I turned off the water valve.

247. All by myself.

248. There might be some mold, though,

249. so we'll have to call some people in to come test it while we're away.

250. What?

251. Oh. I found us an Airbnb in Ojai.

252. Ojai!

253. Amy's gonna meet us after work.

254. I know.

255. I wish it could be us going instead.

256. Stop it.

257. I miss you too.

258. Okay, okay. Well, I gotta go. I gotta clean up.

259. I'll call you when I come back, okay?

260. I love you too.

261. Bye, Mia.

262. Well, think about me. I can't wait until you get back. Bye.

263. Uh, excuse me?

264. Oh, my gosh. Mrs. Nakai.

265. Okay. Yeah.

266. Amy should be right out, like any second.

267. I'm Mia, by the way.

268. I don't think we've ever met, but we've spoken over the phone.

269. I haven't been here in a while. Is it always like this?

270. Sorry for the mess.

271. A bunch of people just quit.

272. The acquisition news got out, and everyone's looking for jobs.

273. Chaos always follows my daughter-in-law wherever she goes.

274. I guess that's why her and George make such a great pair.

275. It's almost like a yin-yang, right?

276. Are my son's vases selling?

277. Oh. You know, I think what's happening is people are admiring them—

278. Even the most imaginative vases, like the '70s Scheurich Fat Lavas,

279. were limited to red or brown glazes.

280. The abstract nature of Joji's vases

281. reflect the state of emergence he's participating in.

282. Oh, my God. Don't get me started on Fat Lavas.

283. That's what you should say to the customers.

284. Right.

285. I was just talking to George about his glazing techniques the other day.

286. I admire the artistry in your family so much.

287. So if you ever need an assistant

288. or know of any galleries hiring, I'd be—

289. - Is there a restroom nearby? - Oh. Yeah. It's right around the corner.

290. Oh, my God. I was just checking an ingrown hair.

291. - No need to explain. - One second.

292. Fumi. Hi.

293. - I didn't know you were coming by. - I had the Uber drop me off.

294. - Did you forget? - Lunch.

295. Oh, my God. You know, Fumi, it's been so hectic lately. Um...

296. - Can we reschedule? - That's okay.

297. - I could only do a quick bite, anyway. - Okay, great. Um—

298. I'll make sure to book enough time so we can order the whole menu.

299. - May I? - Yeah, of course.

300. But, Joji, why wouldn't you just leave that to the professionals?

301. These plumbers did stop by the house, but I fixed it all by myself,

302. you know, with my own two hands.

303. You sculpt with your hands.

304. I know, Mom, but it's nice to feel useful for once.

305. Oh, I'm pulling into Ojai now.

306. I'll call you later, all right? Miss you, love you.

307. Hello, Joyce. It's Fumi.

308. Just calling to chat.

309. Call me. Bye-bye.

310. You've reached Renee. Leave me a message. Thanks.

311. Hello, Renee. It's Fumi. Just calling to chat.

312. Call me. Bye-bye.

313. Um...

314. - Hello, Tom. - Mrs. Nakai.

315. Sorry I didn't get back to you earlier. Busy day.

316. That's okay. I'm just following up.

317. Were you able to get that loan from your daughter-in-law?

318. We were supposed to speak earlier today. I had to reschedule.

319. Listen, as your accountant,

320. I have to say, things are not looking good.

321. Haru's estate isn't solvent, and I just got your credit card statement.

322. We've spoken about this.

323. You need to create a new budget or find new streams of revenue.

324. I know, I know.

325. You just got the Tamago chair back from the gallery. Maybe finally sell?

326. I can't sell, you know that.

327. And even if I wanted to, George would never let me.

328. You want me to talk to him?

329. No, please don't.

330. He's still not over Haru leaving him so little.

331. You know, he's out of town,

332. but I can go to his place and pick some other pieces to sell.

333. Okay, Tom?

334. Yo, last round. I gotta pack up some clothes.

335. My brother's coming home soon.

336. Bro, can't keep avoiding him, man. You live here.

337. Whatever. I'll just keep crashing with you guys.

338. I don't know, man. Gonna have to start charging you.

339. All right.

340. No, for real.

341. I mean, our place isn't cheap.

342. Market's been shit.

343. Yeah. No, that's cool.

344. Can't you just get your sugar mama to help you out?

345. She's not my sugar mama.

346. I mean, she gave you cash, and she's a mom.

347. Mm-hm.

348. No, we're just two humans connecting, all right?

349. - We care about each other. - Care about that dick.

350. Paul, I killed you.

351. Dude, he's so sensitive, man.

352. Shit.

353. Hi.

354. Hi.

355. Look, I know I said this before,

356. but if we're gonna hang out, we can't do anything physical. Okay?

357. Okay.

358. That feels so good.

359. I want you to spit on it.

360. Oh, shit.

361. Fuck.

362. You feel so good.

363. - Do you like my pussy? - Yeah.

364. You like how it squeezes your cock?

365. Fuck, I'm gonna come so hard.

366. I'm gonna come so hard. I'm coming! I'm coming!

367. I'm coming! I'm coming!

368. So you got me thinking a lot about my own future lately.

369. Oh, yeah? How so?

370. Just like getting my shit together, starting to plan, you know.

371. Yeah.

372. That's good.

373. I've been crashing at my boy's place ever since the fight with Danny.

374. Did he say anything about the arrest?

375. No, he texted me some shit about how I owe my cousin an apology,

376. - but fuck that. - Fuck that and fuck him.

377. You know, I can't crash at my boy's place forever.

378. Like if I had my own place, I could make some moves, you know.

379. Even my brother is getting his own spot, you know.

380. Mm-hm. Yeah.

381. I don't know, just...

382. You think you could lend me some money?

383. I'll pay it back, ASAP.

384. I just— I need a jumpstart, and then...

385. I know I have it in me to be a millionaire like you in no time.

386. Well, you make it sound like what I achieved was easy.

387. No, I'm just saying, like—

388. I'm saying I could do it too.

389. Okay.

390. What, like, now you don't think so?

391. Well, Paul, it just takes a lot more than good intentions.

392. I have busted my ass for years.

393. I've sacrificed my well-being, the well-being of my family. It—

394. It's not millionaire in no time.

395. If you don't want to give me the money, just say so.

396. You don't have to be a bitch about it. Jesus Christ.

397. You should leave.

398. I'm dead serious. Get the fuck out.

399. Word.

400. Nobody calls me a bitch in my home. Get out.

401. You know, work's not the reason your life's a fucking mess.

402. Hey, Naomi.

403. I saw George's post. So cute.

404. - What are you guys doing in Ojai? - I'm about to drive there now.

405. We're having some work done on the house, so he surprised me with the staycation.

406. He's so thoughtful.

407. My husband never does stuff like that.

408. Yeah, George is— He's pretty special.

409. - Sorry, there's a tickle in my throat. - No worries.

410. Hey, so small favor,

411. I just got nominated for next year's People to Watch in Calabasas Style,

412. and I was hoping that you could write a recommendation letter—

413. I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. Can you say that again?

414. Oh, no worries. I was saying that I'm up for next year's People to Watch, and—

415. You know what, Naomi? I have some work to do.

416. Can I call you back later?

417. Sure. Sure, yeah. Call me back whenever.

418. Hi.

419. I want you to know that, despite what everybody tells you,

420. - you can have it all. You can. - Wow.

421. Stuck-up bitch.

422. I was sitting in my car, and all of a sudden,

423. this woman just starts honking at me from her fucking perfect white SUV.

424. And then she fucking tags my truck with "I'm a bitch."

425. Is that normal behavior?

426. Hey, security? Security, I think some drunk tourists have wandered in.

427. You're sure all these came from the SUV?

428. Neighbor said they saw the driver throw trash out the window.

429. I gathered everything I could find.

430. Maybe from the truck, I don't know.

431. You wouldn't happen to have seen if the truck was tagged

432. with "I'm a bitch"?

433. Excuse me?

434. I know a neighbor who drives a white SUV.

435. It could be her.

436. But do you have proof?

437. No, but... I have a hunch.

438. She doesn't have much regard for others.

439. Well, I received 12 other tips about white SUVs in the area.

440. They're all convincing.

441. But the cops are no help.

442. Oh, I'll help you, Firouz.

443. I'm a very busy woman, but this is important to me.

444. - And I will not— - I never got the new Calabasas Style.

445. You know, I think someone is stealing my mail.

446. Please take it.

447. I'm actually up for next year's People to Watch.

448. Oh, impressive.

449. That is no easy feat.

450. Thank you.

451. Well, I know lists are silly.

452. Had I known I was visiting a celebrity,

453. I would have brought something to autograph.

454. Oh, my God, stop.

455. Do you want anything to drink?

456. Arming in 30 seconds.

457. Four, three, two—

458. - Disarmed.

459. You've reached the offices of Tom Jones, CPA.

460. - Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

461. Hey, Tom. How much do you think the Tamago will sell for?

462. I think I'm going to sell it.

463. There are some disruptive events happening between my son and his wife.

464. It may affect my finances. Call me ba—

465. These rich people get these fancy systems

466. and don't even set them.

467. - Look at all this money. - My plan would've worked.

468. Yeah, smashing and grabbing everything in under two minutes isn't a plan, dude.

469. 'Cause you freeze under pressure.

470. That's 'cause in fight or flight, I'm fight. You understand?

471. I'm trying to stay put, activate my core, keep my trunk solid.

472. You don't know if someone will pop out and you gotta knock them out.

473. Yo, if I sense even a little bit of danger, pew!

474. I'm flight, baby. Korean Air.

475. Yeah, you're a bitch.

476. Holy shit. Look at this thing, dude. Look at this fancy thing.

477. It's like on some Beetlejuice shit, huh?

478. All those lumps and bumps. I bet it's worth so much.

479. Looks like herpes poo-pooed.

480. I'm saying, you're obsessed.

481. For someone who supposedly doesn't have it,

482. you talk about it all the time.

483. No, I'm talking about the family. I'm talking HSV-1, HSV-2.

484. I'm talking zoster, Epstein-Barr.

485. Ugh, what an unfortunate name for a virus, you know.

486. - You motherfuckers! - Oh, fuck.

487. - Shit!

488. Oh, my God.

489. I know who lives there.