Beavis and Butt-head 5x23

Directed by Mike Judge

David Spade as Mr. Candy (voice)

The boys are supposed to sell candy for school, but end up only selling it to each other -- with the same two dollars.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. My name is Mr. Candy. My what a nice looking group of students. Who can tell me what I'm holding in my hand?

2. Uh, your nab?

3. Yeah.

4. No, my right hand.

5. Is it a candy bar?

6. It's more than just a candy bar. It's the future of your school.

7. Now, who'd like a candy bar?

8. Who would like me to stop 100 candy bars?

9. Because I've got to be with you today.

10. And I plan on giving them all out.

11. But there's a candy. I'm not giving them to you to eat.

12. I'm giving them to you to sell.

13. Uh, selling candy is a fun way to help yourself in the school.

14. All right, losers, remember, you are competing against other classes. And I'll be damned if my class is going to lose.

15. Hey, yo, homie. How much give me for that?

16. There's my hair. Same work, nothing, man. But, uh, I will give you one else radio.

17. Well, I come to Kuleo has to, like, sell stuff.

18. I thought it was like a big rich rap star.

19. Yeah. It's like, all these rap dudes always get ripped off by the man.

20. Like, that sucks. They had to find the man, you know, like, find out where he lives.

21. You have to go beat the crap out of him.

22. Yeah, really. Oh, check it out.

23. Yeah.

24. Young Kuleo.

25. Kuleo.

26. I am Kuleo.

27. Kuleo.

28. Kuleo.

29. Kuleo.

30. Kuleo.

31. That's kind of reminds me of that fanfart and sun show.

32. Yeah, yeah.

33. I remember that show.

34. I guess I'll put it.

35. The man. The man.

36. I'm going to have a heart attack.

37. Isn't the big one.

38. Weeley, I'm coming to see you.

39. Yeah.

40. He was cool.

41. Like that show, because there were like, lots of garbage everywhere.

42. Yeah.

43. The father of the black dude is like, I grew up in my hair and are like a really big afro.

44. Like, three feet tall and stuff.

45. And I cut out a big hole in the middle, like just to keep stuff, you know?

46. Yeah.

47. I could put some nachos in there, you know, my keys, you know, stuff like that.

48. Yeah, I was cool.

49. You ought to just like, keep all that stuff in your butt hole, leave us.

50. Oh, yeah.

51. Yeah.

52. Now, our candy bars are personalized with your school's name on the wrapper.

53. And they're a real bargain at only $2 each.

54. Heck, they practically sell themselves.

55. Now, what if I told you that the richest man in the world.

56. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

57. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

58. Whoa, you two seem to be real, know it all.

59. Why don't you tell us what you're going to say when a customer says no?

60. Uh, I'd say, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

61. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

62. I got my best out.

63. You even know, though.

64. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

65. Well, I wish you luck, but it seems out of time.

66. Yeah.

67. Yeah?

68. Are schools making a sell candy?

69. Yeah.

70. We're loothers.

71. What in the hell kind of sales approach is that?

72. You boys couldn't sell a dollar for 50 cents.

73. They're $2, sir.

74. Yeah, don't try to rip us off.

75. What, wipe?

76. Yeah.

77. Hmm.

78. Well, I've only got $2.

79. Buy one from me.

80. No way, buy one from me.

81. Get it out.

82. Get out of the way.

83. I'll like sell mine for half price, sir.

84. Yeah, yeah, me too.

85. Yeah, price.

86. Well, now you're talking.

87. There, why don't I take one from each of you?

88. You boys better start charging full price.

89. I'm sure your school can afford to lose money.

90. What reeks in here?

91. All right, it's this show.

92. Stick around, be with some butthead.

93. We'll be back.

94. Felling stuff sucks.

95. Yeah.

96. Hey, bev, I'll buy one of your candy bars for a dollar.

97. No way.

98. They're $2, bottle.

99. Hey, then can you loan me a dollar?

100. No way, because then you'll have $2 and I won't have any.

101. Come on, bev, I'll buy one from you.

102. That way you'll sell a candy bar, plus you'll have $2.

103. Okay.

104. Cool.

105. Yeah.

106. Let me have some.

107. Come on.

108. No way.

109. I'll sell you one for $2.

110. Okay.

111. This town sucks.

112. We're never gonna sell any candy.

113. Hey buddy, you shouldn't try one of these.

114. I got peanuts.

115. It's really good.

116. Oh yeah?

117. Cool.

118. Hey, bev, I want to buy a candy bar for me.

119. Okay.

120. One by one for me.

121. Okay.

122. Celan Canadaриott has had a cool ghost though.

123. Why don't you get a noticing plan?

124. He's weak.

125. He's weak.

126. He's weak.

127. He's weak.

128. Yeah.

129. Oh, check it out.

130. Don Henley.

131. I didn't know he was a wolf.

132. You didn't?

133. Where have you been, leave us?

134. He's a total wolf.

135. Really?

136. Yeah.

137. Anytime you see a dude on TV and he's like trying to save some forest or something, it means

138. he's a total wolfie.

139. I mean, really?

140. Yeah.

141. Let me see.

142. Staying here the wolf.

143. Let's see.

144. Well, Ted Danson.

145. Yeah, if it wasn't.

146. Yeah.

147. And don't forget Jackson Brown.

148. Look at that.

149. He's like fiddling around with a dead guy.

150. Boo.

151. That's a scary one.

152. What if after I die, like some guy comes around and fiddles around with my weiner?

153. So what?

154. Be this you'd be dead.

155. It doesn't matter.

156. Yeah, guess I'll get this.

157. If I were without the ocean with a dead chick, I'd probably kiss her.

158. I'd kiss a dead chick right here.

159. Yeah.

160. So what I'd add.

161. But that's kind of messed up on it.

162. I know.

163. I was just kidding, be this.

164. I'm sure probably serious.

165. Well, no.

166. Excellent job, class.

167. Hey, buddy.

168. Remember that dollar I borrowed to you?

169. Uh, oh yeah.

170. I remember it.

171. Yeah.

172. Give me two.

173. Um, oh yeah.

174. I like, uh, need it back.

175. Well, boys, let's see.

176. The big sellers.

177. How'd you do?

178. We fooled every one of them, dude.

179. Yeah, they practically sold themselves.

180. Yeah.

181. Well, maybe there's hope for you.

182. Yeah.

183. Don't touch me, ass wipe.

184. So.

185. Where's the money?

186. Right here, dude.

187. There you go.

188. That's it.

189. There'd better be a hell of a lot more money than that, boys.

190. Nope.

191. That's all of it, dude.

192. Two dollars.

193. Yeah.

194. You can count it if you want.

195. I don't believe you.

196. I want you to give me everything you've gotten your pocket.

197. Hey, Beavis, he wants what's in your pocket.

198. He's a pocket fisherman.

199. Oh, no, you're not going to pull that again.

200. It took me six months to get another job.

201. Now, give me the rest of the money a little twerker.

202. Ah, he's trying to touch my waiter.

203. Let go, Burmert.

204. Kick him in the nads, Beavis.

205. You two, you little farder.

206. What the hell are you doing?

207. This is my class.

208. I do the ass kicking around here.

209. Wait your turn, jarhead.

210. Ah!

211. You just made a fatal mistake, Mr. Candy-ass.

212. I hope you know something about hand-to-hand combat.

213. Oh, you're going down, soldier, boy.

214. Oh!

215. Oh!

216. Kick him in the nads.

217. Oh!

218. Whoa.

219. That's kind of rocks.

220. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

221. Just like long hair and drum.

222. The pain in the pain.

223. Yeah.

224. You can't lose with that.

225. There should be more bands like this.

226. There's about a million bands like this, bevis.

227. I know, I know there needs to be more.

228. There should be one of these speed metal bands like everywhere.

229. Like in the mall, you know, like in the store.

230. Like down on the corner and stuff like that, yeah.

231. I guess that would be pretty cool.

232. You should have like something in your house where you just like,

233. turn it on and see a band like this and like turn it up really loud.

234. So that's a good idea, bevis.

235. You think they would have come up with something like that by now?

236. Yeah, yeah.

237. I should like go to shop class and like work on it.

238. Oh, check out all that money.

239. Yeah, yeah, money, money, money.

240. I wonder if all that money is like the band's money

241. or if they just had to like go rent it to make this video.

242. We should like rent some money and then go like, just band it on stuff.

243. Yeah.

244. You're full of good ideas today, bevis.

245. Yeah, yeah.

246. Easy.

247. Listen to me once in a while.

248. Dumbass.

249. Bevis, I got a good idea.

250. Shut up.

251. I have to leave.