Batman 1x5

Directed by Don Weis

Nancy Kovack as Queenie • Dick Curtis as The Inebriate • Cesar Romero as The Joker • Merritt Bohn as Assistant Warden • Jonathan Hole as Museum Attendant

The Joker decides to fight fire with fire against Batman with a utility belt of his own.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Gotham State Penitentiary...

2. one of the state's busier locations.

3. On the surface, an institution of mortar and stone...

4. steel bars and rigid discipline.

5. But as we have seen before...

6. Warden Crichton's advanced theories of penology...

7. make it a place where recreation is part of reform.

8. And entertainment plays an important role in containment.

9. Fire it to me baby, fire it to me!

10. Well, I got to hand it to your boss, Warden Crichton.

11. He's done a remarkable job with the Joker.

12. Yes. He's brought modern penology a long way, chief.

13. I never thought I'd see the day when the likes of him...

14. would be content to play baseball rather than plotting a prison break.

15. Come on, walk it off.

16. Coming.

17. That's strike three. You're out!

18. You know, that's the one true joy in the warden's life...

19. the rehabilitation of a hardened criminal.

20. It warms his heart.

21. That's strike three!

22. Out of the way, baby. Out of the way.

23. All right, Joker, this is the one. Fire it, baby.

24. All right, batter. Be a hitter this time. Be a hitter.

25. Come on, babe. Fire at me. Fire at me.

26. Great Scott. Right over the wall.

27. The devil. He sprung himself.

28. Sprung? You can say that again.

29. The Joker, sprung from the pen?

30. Right under our noses, commissioner. He got clean away.

31. Well, get back as fast as you can, Chief O'Hara.

32. In the meantime, if it is the Joker that we're up against...

33. that Clown Prince of Crime...

34. there's only one man who can handle this.

35. I don't have to tell you who.

36. Sorry, inspector, don't have the time. Make it later.

37. And in Wayne Manor...

38. stately residence of millionaire Bruce Wayne...

39. and his young ward, Dick Grayson.

40. I'll call him, sir.

41. I'm afraid you're going to have to practice more diligently, Dick.

42. You're just not making any progress with Chopin.

43. Gee, whiz, Aunt Harriet. What's so important about Chopin?

44. All music is important, Dick.

45. It's the universal language.

46. One of our best hopes for the eventual realization of the brotherhood of man.

47. Gosh, Bruce, yes. You're right. I'll practice harder from now on.

48. - Ahem. Your, uh, snack, Master Dick. - Oh, thank you, Alfred.

49. Batphone, sir.

50. Uh, we better get a move on if we're gonna make it to that ballgame on time.

51. Holy Koufax, you mean...

52. I mean, I didn't know it was getting so late, Bruce.

53. Ballgame, indeed.

54. I don't know what I'm going to do with that boy, Alfred.

55. He just doesn't seem to have any appreciation for the finer things in life.

56. No, indeed, madam.

57. What is it, commissioner?

58. - The Joker? - Not him again.

59. - How soon can you get here? - Quick as a flash, commissioner.

60. To the Batpoles.

61. Gigantic coiled spring secretly fashioned in the prison machine shop.

62. - Holy jack-in-the-box. - Exactly, Boy Wonder.

63. Propelled him over the wall before the guards could get a shot at him.

64. Ingenious.

65. Only the Joker would think of that.

66. You searched the area outside?

67. Sure and we did and found nothing but the net he landed in.

68. But inside at the base of that spring, they discovered this.

69. A good likeness.

70. A good likeness but a bad joke. Laughing at us for letting him get away like that.

71. It might be more than a joke, Chief O'Hara.

72. Batman's right. It could be a clue.

73. - A clue? - Sure. The crime wave he's plotting.

74. But why would he leave you a clue, Batman?

75. He might not mean to.

76. It's a trait of the criminal mind, the urge to boast.

77. It often leads to the criminal's giving himself away.

78. A bust mounted on a pedestal.

79. A bust, a pedestal.

80. Where does one usually find a bust mounted on a pedestal?

81. - In a museum. - Right.

82. - Or in a Hall of Fame. - Or in both.

83. Exactly. A perfect setup for one of the Joker's jolly crimes.

84. I don't understand, Batman.

85. This very day, the Gotham Museum of Modern Art opened a new exhibit.

86. A Comedians Hall of Fame.

87. And I read in the paper, they were not going to include the Joker.

88. Just the thing to make him wanna get even.

89. Of course. The museum also houses a fabulous jewel collection.

90. - Oh, Chief, why didn't we think of that? - Me hats off to you, Batman.

91. Save the compliments, Chief O'Hara. Our job has just begun.

92. Come on, Robin. We've got a date at the Gotham Museum.

93. Oh, there he is! It's Robin, the Boy Wonder!

94. That's okay, Batman, don't worry.

95. Thanks, officer.

96. Police emergency, clear the museum.

97. We think there may be a daring crime plotted.

98. Yes, yes, of course.

99. Strange. Look.

100. The Joker.

101. He's included in the Comedians Hall of Fame after all.

102. - Maybe the paper made a mistake. - Or else...

103. Attention, ladies and gentlemen, the museum is now closing for the day.

104. We will reopen tomorrow at 10:00.

105. Move promptly to the exits, please.

106. - You were saying, Batman, "or else"? - I don't know.

107. Museum officials could have heard about the Joker's prison break...

108. and hastily included him.

109. Sure. So as not to enrage him to stealing the jewels.

110. Or else this whole thing could be a trick to divert us from his real intentions.

111. Holy red herring. How will we find out?

112. Let's look up the director of the museum.

113. What's the matter, Batman?

114. No. No, it's nothing.

115. It's just for a second there, I could've sworn I saw that statue move.

116. Ha, ha. Sure looks life-like.

117. It's almost as if I could hear that hateful harlequin laughing.

118. Come on, let's find the director.

119. Quick, where do we find the director?

120. The Administrative Annex, entrance next door, Batman.

121. Thanks. Sorry about the early closing.

122. Lock it up good and tight. The Joker's on the loose again.

123. Don't worry about him getting in, Batman. No, sir.

124. Once I get these doors locked, the museum is burglarproof.

125. No one could break into it.

126. Come on, Robin.

127. - Ready to lock up, Mr. Hollis. - Coming.

128. Come, my comic cohorts in crime.

129. Come, Oliver.

130. Come, Stanley.

131. Come, Ernie.

132. W.C. Fields, come, come.

133. Come, my puckish partners in plunder.

134. Batman has been outwitted and the fabulous jewel collection is ours.

135. Strange. No answer. I wonder.

136. - What is it, Batman? - Something that guard said.

137. All he said was that the museum was burglarproof.

138. Yes. But then he added something else.

139. He said no one could break into it.

140. - Holy stuffy. - Exactly, Robin.

141. That doesn't mean that someone couldn't...

142. - break out. - Break out.

143. - Guard! Guard! - Smash the lock.

144. Oh, how delicious it is.

145. The Joker outwits Batman...

146. and steals the fabulous jewel collection right out from under his nose. Ha, ha!

147. Oh, my playful pilfering pals, how delicious it is.

148. - We hate to sound a sour note, Joker. - But it's time for us to make our own collection.

149. Destroy them.

150. Watch out, Batman.

151. Batman!

152. We have two more jewels for our collection, my comic cronies.

153. Batman and Robin, the dashing diamonds of derring-do.

154. Come, my funny fellows...

155. we've got a little diamond cutting to do.

156. Is Batman to become just another jewel in the Clown Prince's crown?

157. Here's a joke on you, you fiend.

158. This is the end of your evil career.

159. That cursed utility belt again, is it?

160. I swear by all that's funny...

161. I shall never be foiled by that insidious, unconstitutional device again.

162. Two heads are better than one.

163. Could this be a threat?

164. Will the Joker keep his vow?

165. Can he? How?

166. Gotham Pier Amusement Park.

167. What more appropriate place to find the hideout of the Joker?

168. Never again will Batman have the advantage over me...

169. with that utility belt of his.

170. No, never again will that ghastly girdle thwart my plans...

171. for I, the Clown Prince of Crime, have found the answer to it.

172. - What is it, Joker? - My own utility belt. Ha, ha!

173. - Gee, terrific. Can I try it on? - Hands off, you fool.

174. It is for me only. Me, your merry master.

175. Secrets of my precious property.

176. - What does it do, Joker? - Everything. It's my Aladdin's lamp.

177. - Gee, can I make a wish on it? - Do, my pretty.

178. Gee, I'd like a million bucks, a sable wrap.

179. Ah, commonplace.

180. - A two-week ocean cruise? - Extraordinary.

181. - What, Joker? - Just the thing.

182. The most astonishing coup anyone ever pulled.

183. Queenie, quick. Get me that newspaper.

184. Here you are, Joker.

185. "SS Gotham, the new super luxury liner going to be launched this Saturday." Yes!

186. Gosh. You think you could use your utility belt to, uh, get me a cruise on the SS Gotham?

187. A cruise, mere petty pilfering.

188. I'll get you the whole ship.

189. - What? - The whole ship?

190. - How, Joker? - Ah.

191. First steps first.

192. - Our old nemesis, Batman. - He'll try to stop us.

193. Exactly, exactly.

194. We must first eliminate Batman from the scene.

195. Since you're the majority stockholder in Gotham Shipping Lines, Bruce...

196. I hope you'll be pleased to hear that I've arranged for Batman...

197. and the Boy Wonder to christen the SS Gotham...

198. when she is launched on Saturday.

199. What is it, commissioner? What does it mean?

200. It looked like a clown doll to me.

201. - It's that chaplain of chicanery again. - The Joker.

202. Could he be subconsciously pointing toward his next crime?

203. - Maybe he's gonna rob the circus. - Oh, no, no, no. The circus left town last week.

204. Batman should know about this immediately.

205. I'm sorry, commissioner, but Batman is out for the day.

206. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I'll leave word that you called.

207. He's not there.

208. - What are we to do now, commissioner? - I just don't know.

209. Well, don't worry, commissioner. I'm sure the police department can handle it.

210. Uh, Dick and I are already late for that Chopin concert.

211. - If you need anything, please let us know. - Yes, I'll do that, Bruce.

212. Oh, by the way, it may sound strange...

213. but I wonder if I could keep that doll for a souvenir.

214. - Any use for it, O'Hara? - Heh.

215. Not for me. The sooner we get this mocking thing out of headquarters, the better I like it.

216. With all our compliments, Bruce.

217. A souvenir of your, uh, narrow brush with crime. Ha, ha.

218. Thank you, commissioner.

219. We're already late for the concert.

220. But if you need us for anything, just let us know.

221. A fat lot of help he'd be against someone like the Joker.

222. Oh, he's a good man, Bruce Wayne.

223. But not even all his money could buy us another Batman.

224. Gosh, nothing but perfectly ordinary dust patterns.

225. Hmm.

226. Disappointing, all right.

227. I'd hoped for some clue to the location of his secret hideout.

228. - Think it's worth checking for secret writing? - I hardly think so.

229. That's not the Joker's way of working.

230. But why did the Joker throw the doll through the window? What was the point of it?

231. - I think I've got it. - You have, Batman?

232. What other kind of clown is there besides a circus clown?

233. I'll give you a hint.

234. Tonight there's going to be a live telecast of the Gotham City Opera Company.

235. Golly, Batman, I still don't get it.

236. They're performing a certain celebrated Italian opera.

237. - Holy ravioli. - You're warm.

238. Pagliacci.

239. That's beautiful.

240. I always... I always loved that song.

241. Sing "Melancholy Baby."

242. Joker!

243. It's my mother-in-law.

244. They shouldn't be out with those colds.

245. And now people of Gotham City...

246. the moment you have all been waiting for.

247. The grand finale, the climax of my performance...

248. the zenith of my career.

249. The unmasking of Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder.