1. Hey, Mom. Chip's in prison in Camarillo.Copy !req
2. You need to go bail him out.Copy !req
3. - I'm giving you six months probation.Copy !req
4. - She would go home, Chip?
- Yeah, Mama.Copy !req
5. So I was wondering if you'd like to go
see a movie with me tonight.Copy !req
6. Dale, I'm sorry, but I don't think
I can go out with you again.Copy !req
7. Are you okay?Copy !req
8. You don't know when
a man's making a pass at you?Copy !req
9. - You're drunk.
- I regret everything I've done, okay?Copy !req
10. Go home and go to sleep, Dale.Copy !req
11. Trisha, I'm going to take
the rest of the day off.Copy !req
12. - Okay.Copy !req
13. They have selfie sticks?Copy !req
14. The thing you showcase your life with?Copy !req
15. Caught me in the middle of my workout.Copy !req
16. Scared me to death, Mom.Copy !req
17. Hey, Chip.Copy !req
18. How you doin', Dale?Copy !req
19. Where are my kittens?Copy !req
20. They love the sound of that can opening.Copy !req
21. - Oh! Right on cue!Copy !req
22. Ronald Reagan! Will Ferrell!Copy !req
23. You so hungry.Copy !req
24. Yeah, so I just, you know,Copy !req
25. decided I'd do a life change.Copy !req
26. - That's good.
- Trying to make a better me.Copy !req
27. You know, for Dale
and for the United States.Copy !req
28. - Mmm.
- So... As Florence Machine says,Copy !req
29. "The dog days are over."Copy !req
30. The dog days of summer are over.Copy !req
31. No, the dog days are over, Mom.Copy !req
32. - Are they?
- Yep.Copy !req
33. - I like it.
- What does that even mean?Copy !req
34. You wouldn't get it. It's not
for people like you.Copy !req
35. It's political music.Copy !req
36. Well, I'm just happy
to have my boys home.Copy !req
37. I'm gonna plan us a family dinner.Copy !req
38. Let's see what we have.Copy !req
39. Ah! I'm gonna have
to make a run to Costco!Copy !req
40. - Who's with me?
- That's a pass on this end.Copy !req
41. Oh! Chip?Copy !req
42. - No, thanks.
- All right.Copy !req
43. - Well, be good.
- Okay, Mama.Copy !req
44. So, did you find Islam in the clink?Copy !req
45. I'm just gonna go upstairs
and take a shower, okay?Copy !req
46. You're free to do whatever
you want, Malcolm X.Copy !req
47. Hi, Joe.Copy !req
48. Oh!Copy !req
49. Oh, what do we have here?Copy !req
50. We're doing pizza kits today.Copy !req
51. Pizza kits?Copy !req
52. - All the ingredients in one.
- You're kidding.Copy !req
53. - This is it.
- It's organic.Copy !req
54. It's a great activity for kids.Copy !req
55. Oh, I've got two boys at home
who'll go wild for this.Copy !req
56. - How old?
- Oh, who knows.Copy !req
57. - Boys eat a lot. You know that.
- Yeah.Copy !req
58. That way, you know, you
got one for each boy.Copy !req
59. - Two? All right.
- At least.Copy !req
60. And if you wanna just be safe,
I'd take three, you know.Copy !req
61. - Why not?
- You have them for another day.Copy !req
62. - It's a very special night.
- Oh, really?Copy !req
63. - Mm-hmm.
- That's wonderful.Copy !req
64. - It's a family night.
- Family nights are special.Copy !req
65. - Let me take one more.
- You should, one for the road.Copy !req
66. - Okay. Thank you.
- You enjoy your night.Copy !req
67. - Organic, huh?
- It's good for you.Copy !req
68. - I love that!Copy !req
69. Dale, can you please turn that down!Copy !req
70. I'm trying to sleep!Copy !req
71. Oh, does baby need his nap?Copy !req
72. - Dale...
- If baby needs his nap,Copy !req
73. then baby just needs to say so.Copy !req
74. - Baby needs his nap.
- Ha! You're a baby!Copy !req
75. That's disgusting! Fine,
I'll turn it down.Copy !req
76. - Good.Copy !req
77. God Almighty! Do you know
how many Goji berries were in there?Copy !req
78. You owe me 23 dollars.
Don't throw another one.Copy !req
79. - What's that?
- How dare you!Copy !req
80. That drink was gonna
turn my life around!Copy !req
81. Dale, don't panic. You're
gonna shit your pantsCopy !req
82. just like you did
at the Nazarella's birthday partyCopy !req
83. at the beginning of the birthday song.Copy !req
84. That was two years ago,
and it was a nervous stomach!Copy !req
85. Wish I never had a twin brother.Copy !req
86. Yeah.Copy !req
87. - Hey!Copy !req
88. Dale! Dale, Dale, no.Copy !req
89. - Little flossin', huh?Copy !req
90. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
91. That's for the underwear.Copy !req
92. Chip! Chip!Copy !req
93. You smashed my phone and you
just go disappear again.Copy !req
94. Making everybody feel sorry
for the poor criminal.Copy !req
95. Meanwhile no one gives two shits
about the good guy! Frickin' me!Copy !req
96. Chippie.Copy !req
97. Chip. Two can play at this game.Copy !req
98. You wanna wait it out.
I'm fine with that.Copy !req
99. I'm just gonna be out here.Copy !req
100. "Ice Age"? Is that a Pixar movie?Copy !req
101. - Oh, it's an animated movie.
- Oh.Copy !req
102. What's a good movie nowadays?Copy !req
103. - Uh, "Star Wars."
- Oh, "Star Wars."Copy !req
104. I think they've seen that. We're
having a family night tonight.Copy !req
105. - Oh. Oh.
- Looking for something to do.Copy !req
106. Board games are great for family night.Copy !req
107. - Hmm, that's a great idea.
- Yeah.Copy !req
108. You got, like, so many choices.Copy !req
109. There's, like, Risk,Copy !req
110. if you want to go on a grand
adventure or something.Copy !req
111. The Game of Life, I'm
already playing that.Copy !req
112. Yeah. Ain't that the truth.Copy !req
113. - Connect Four?
- There you go. Yeah.Copy !req
114. - That's interesting.
- Oh, is that checkers?Copy !req
115. It's kind of like checkers
but standing up.Copy !req
116. - Oh, I don't want that.
- Yeah, it's stupid.Copy !req
117. What do your kids like?Copy !req
118. Well, one's competitive,
and one's very creative.Copy !req
119. Twins. Go figure.Copy !req
120. - Oh.
- They sound really smart.Copy !req
121. Um, how about Cranium?Copy !req
122. I'll take it. Just throw it in there.Copy !req
123. - All right.
- Thank you.Copy !req
124. You're welcome. Have a fun game night.Copy !req
125. "Cranium" it is. We will.Copy !req
126. - All right, excellent.
- Thank you.Copy !req
127. Take care.Copy !req
128. Here's your dumb monocycle.Copy !req
129. There we go.Copy !req
130. Plus I rubbed my feet
on everything that you own,Copy !req
131. so everything that you
own smells like feet.Copy !req
132. - I also farted on your socks.
- Did you?Copy !req
133. I farted on your dirty socks,Copy !req
134. so your dirty socks smell
like dirty socks and farts.Copy !req
135. Dale, good for you.Copy !req
136. Anyway, I'm gonna take a nap.Copy !req
137. La-di-da! Look at me! I'm Chip Baskets!Copy !req
138. I'm a French trained clown.Copy !req
139. I like to stick french fries up my ass.Copy !req
140. I'm not appreciative of my twin brother,Copy !req
141. because I'm too selfish!Copy !req
142. Hey! Don't hurt me!Copy !req
143. Chip, you're a piece of shit.Copy !req
144. Get over, you fat pig!Copy !req
145. - Hi, Mr. Adams.Copy !req
146. Everything okay?Copy !req
147. Everything's fine, Mr. Adams.Copy !req
148. - Okay, your mom home?
- No, she's out!Copy !req
149. Okay, well, tell her I noticedCopy !req
150. her sprinklers were going
off in the middle of the day,Copy !req
151. - and we're in a drought.
- Thank you.Copy !req
152. We don't need a lecture right
now during a family emergency.Copy !req
153. You don't have to apologize to me,Copy !req
154. apologize to the state of California.Copy !req
155. Okay! Go back
into your stupid video gamesCopy !req
156. and your child porn.Copy !req
157. Your butt is mine!Copy !req
158. Your ass is grass, son!Copy !req
159. It says declined.Copy !req
160. Declined?Copy !req
161. Let me try it again.Copy !req
162. "Declined."Copy !req
163. Still says declined.Copy !req
164. Well, that can't be right.Copy !req
165. Let me call the bank.Copy !req
166. So your billing indicatesCopy !req
167. you did some recent
out of the ordinary travel,Copy !req
168. so your account was flagged.Copy !req
169. Uh, yes, I went to Camarillo.
It was, uh, lovely.Copy !req
170. Apparently there was a $10,000 hold for,Copy !req
171. it says here, bail at a prison?Copy !req
172. Yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
173. Okay. Good to know that was you.Copy !req
174. We'll notify you shortly when
your card is up and running.Copy !req
175. - Sorry for the inconvenience.
- Thank you.Copy !req
176. We cherish our customer service,
so if you wouldn't mind...Copy !req
177. - Hi, Martha.
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Baskets.Copy !req
178. How did you get in here?Copy !req
179. Walked.Copy !req
180. Well, um, it's good to see you.Copy !req
181. I never been backstage at Costco before.Copy !req
182. It's fantastic.Copy !req
183. You work here? Whoo!Copy !req
184. Anyway, I just have some snafu
with my credit card.Copy !req
185. You know, modern chips,
and sliding them, and...Copy !req
186. - Oh.Copy !req
187. So I thought, "What about this?"Copy !req
188. Come back.Copy !req
189. - Take Martha to lunch!
- Oh, wow.Copy !req
190. That's really nice, Mrs. Baskets,Copy !req
191. but I'm actually working right now.Copy !req
192. These people don't care
if you go have lunch.Copy !req
193. You guys don't care, do you?Copy !req
194. See? They don't care.Copy !req
195. I heard a yes.Copy !req
196. Martha, the hot dog patio right nowCopy !req
197. is beautiful.Copy !req
198. Come on, let's have a little fun.Copy !req
199. You know that song,
"Girls Gotta Have Fun"?Copy !req
200. Uh. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"?Copy !req
201. Yeah, that was it.Copy !req
202. - Okay.
- Yay! Come on!Copy !req
203. Okay, great. Let me get my stuff.Copy !req
204. You ruin everything, don't you?Copy !req
205. This remind you of childhood?
Chasing you around a table,Copy !req
206. 'cause you always screw thing up?Copy !req
207. Martha was gonna be my girlfriendCopy !req
208. until you came along.Copy !req
209. Dale, she was my friend first.Copy !req
210. - Martha's a woman that needs.
- No, she's not.Copy !req
211. Oh, yes, she is.Copy !req
212. Because when we were doing
the old in-and-out,Copy !req
213. she loved it.Copy !req
214. I also had sex
with your little Frenchie wife.Copy !req
215. - No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.Copy !req
216. I pretended to be you
and had sex with her.Copy !req
217. Now I know you're lying. She
would never have sex with me.Copy !req
218. Well, that's just sad, Chip.Copy !req
219. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
220. That's really sad.Copy !req
221. Well, I had sex with your wife, Nicole.Copy !req
222. What do you think about that?Copy !req
223. You had sex...Copy !req
224. with Nicole?Copy !req
225. No, obviously that's not true. I just...Copy !req
226. You like to joke around, do you?Copy !req
227. How could you do this to me?Copy !req
228. My life is not some kind of joke!Copy !req
229. - Dale!
- Not a joke!Copy !req
230. Dale! Dale!Copy !req
231. You're dislodging the toilet!Copy !req
232. Shit water!Copy !req
233. Oh, my god! God damn it!Copy !req
234. Martha, can you keep a secret?Copy !req
235. Um, no, I'm actually a bit of a snitch.Copy !req
236. Who cares? I met someone.Copy !req
237. - You have a boyfriend?
- Oh, no, nothing like that.Copy !req
238. But there was a vibe.Copy !req
239. What kind of vibe?Copy !req
240. Well, went to the Ronald Reagan Library,Copy !req
241. and he put his hand on my back.Copy !req
242. - Wow.
- What?Copy !req
243. That usually means they want
to get naked with you.Copy !req
244. I'm so out of the dating scene.Copy !req
245. I didn't know that meant that.Copy !req
246. Well, I read a lot of magazines,Copy !req
247. so I'm probably more of an expertCopy !req
248. than most people who actually date.Copy !req
249. You know, Martha,Copy !req
250. you make everything very clear to me.Copy !req
251. Come around more often. I miss you.Copy !req
252. I don't think that's a good idea.Copy !req
253. I think Chip's mad at me.Copy !req
254. Oh, you don't worry about Chip.Copy !req
255. When a boy is mean to a girl,
it means he likes her.Copy !req
256. Um, Mrs. Baskets,
it's really not like that.Copy !req
257. Okay, Martha. Keep your little secrets.
I don't care.Copy !req
258. Threw my whole life away to go
see a Pixar movie with Martha!Copy !req
259. Dale! God!Copy !req
260. Yes, sir. I'm having a toilet emergency.Copy !req
261. - If there's anybody there...
- Little Dale.Copy !req
262. - Yeah. Okay. Thank you.
- Hey, Little Dale.Copy !req
263. I failed you, Little Dale.Copy !req
264. Dale? Again, I'm sorry. Okay?Copy !req
265. Big Dale, you're an idiot.
A goddamn idiot!Copy !req
266. Dale, don't be so hard on your yourself.Copy !req
267. You shut up.Copy !req
268. Super glue
ain't gonna fix that!Copy !req
269. I've ruined my family just
like dad ruined ours.Copy !req
270. It's okay, Dale.Copy !req
271. - It's okay.Copy !req
272. - Kitty cat!
- Hey! Hey!Copy !req
273. - Kitty cat!Copy !req
274. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty.Copy !req
275. Look up in the trees.Copy !req
276. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!Copy !req
277. Which one was it. Anyway?Copy !req
278. - Uh, Ronald Reagan.
- Ronald Reagan. Good gosh.Copy !req
279. What did you do with the other one?Copy !req
280. I put Will Ferrell in Cody
and Logan's room.Copy !req
281. Well, I hope the cat just takes
a pee-pee all over their room.Copy !req
282. Speaking of which, Mom
is gonna be pissed.Copy !req
283. You know, like when Dad
was in one of his moods?Copy !req
284. That kind of pissed.Copy !req
285. We'll find the cat, okay, Dale?Copy !req
286. Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty.Copy !req
287. Hey, why don't we talk about Dad.
You know...Copy !req
288. Oh, my God! What is that gonna do?Copy !req
289. That's a giant waste of time.Copy !req
290. I just think that we should maybe
start talking about him a bit.Copy !req
291. Ronald Reagan! Ronald Reagan!Copy !req
292. Ronald Reagan!Copy !req
293. Oh, my card's back. Good.Copy !req
294. Oh, well, thank you for the hot dog.Copy !req
295. Oh, Martha, it was $1.50.Copy !req
296. Thank you for spending time with me.Copy !req
297. Well, I like spending time with you.Copy !req
298. - You do?
- Yeah.Copy !req
299. Why?Copy !req
300. Well, for one thing, you
always have something to say.Copy !req
301. - I do, don't I?
- Yeah.Copy !req
302. Oh, Martha, I like you a whole lot
more than I like that Penelope.Copy !req
303. - Really?
- Yeah, sure.Copy !req
304. You get along with your parents.Copy !req
305. You're a smart dresser.
You work at Costco.Copy !req
306. You're the complete package, Martha.Copy !req
307. And don't let anyone
tell you any different.Copy !req
308. - Um, well I...
- Bye!Copy !req
309. Probably will.Copy !req
310. Ronald Reagan!Copy !req
311. Hey, pull over there. Right
there, just for a second.Copy !req
312. Well, I don't think we're
gonna find the cat out here.Copy !req
313. You ever come out to this spot?Copy !req
314. Can't say that I have.Copy !req
315. Yeah, Dad just accidentally
fell off the bridgeCopy !req
316. whilst he was admiring
the river's beauty.Copy !req
317. Nice try, Mom.Copy !req
318. I believed it.Copy !req
319. Well, you're dumber than you look.Copy !req
320. It's okay to be angry.Copy !req
321. I'm not angry!Copy !req
322. I'm not angry, I'm just full of beans.Copy !req
323. I've always been full of beans.Copy !req
324. So many goddamn beans.Copy !req
325. I don't even...Copy !req
326. I might be a little angry, okay?Copy !req
327. But you'd be angry, too, if you
were living in the real world.Copy !req
328. You know, you're out, you know,
believing in fairy talesCopy !req
329. and spreading your emotional diarrheaCopy !req
330. all over this great country of ours,Copy !req
331. while I'm doing business.Copy !req
332. Real life stuff! I'm running errands.Copy !req
333. I'm getting gasoline.
I'm going to the store.Copy !req
334. I'm buying Mom flip-flopsCopy !req
335. when I have to go buy her flip-flops.Copy !req
336. I mean, what are you thinking,Copy !req
337. jumping on trains like Bob
Dylan or something?Copy !req
338. Those choo-choos can be
really, really dangerous.Copy !req
339. - It was stupid, Dale.
- Yeah, it was stupid.Copy !req
340. It's just dangerous. It makes me nervous.
It makes me upset!Copy !req
341. You're my only brother.Copy !req
342. Except those other ones.Copy !req
343. It was a mistake.Copy !req
344. - There's that little pussy.
- Okay.Copy !req
345. Okay, let's go. Ronald Reagan!Copy !req
346. - Ronald Reagan!
- Ronald Reagan!Copy !req
347. - Ronald Reagan!
- Ronald Reagan!Copy !req
348. - Ronald Reagan!
- Ronald Reagan!Copy !req
349. - Ronald Reagan!
- Ronald Reagan!Copy !req
350. Ronald Reagan! He likes my voice better.Copy !req
351. What are you doing? Don't... Okay, okay.Copy !req
352. Ronald Reagan.Copy !req
353. Ronald Reagan! Don't jump.Copy !req
354. The cat almost did what Daddy did.Copy !req
355. Ronald Reagan!Copy !req
356. Ronald Reagan!Copy !req
357. - Oh, I've got an idea.
- What?Copy !req
358. - Where are you going?
- I'll be back.Copy !req
359. Don't open a fresh can of ballsCopy !req
360. unless you plan on doing
something with it.Copy !req
361. He's not gonna eat tennis balls.
That's for dogs.Copy !req
362. Dogs like tennis balls.
Cats don't like...Copy !req
363. Look at that. Great job.Copy !req
364. You've been a naughty
boy, Ronald Reagan.Copy !req
365. Just like the guy he's named after.Copy !req
366. Good job, Dale.Copy !req
367. Nice work yourself, Chip.Copy !req
368. Nice work, Ronald Reagan.Copy !req
369. Hey, Ronald.Copy !req
370. He's bossy.Copy !req
371. I'm home.Copy !req
372. Hey! We found the cat!Copy !req