Baskets 2x2

1. Get the needle, man.

2. It's coming around again.

3. Yeah. Noodles doesn't do needles.

4. Wait.

5. Police officer: Good evening, sir.

6. Hello?

7. Okay, uh, just give me a second, please, officers. Sorry.

8. Hey, Cipher, it's the police.

9. Police?

10. It's the police.

11. The police.

12. It's the police. Shit. Come on!

13. I'm sorry. My fly was down.

14. Oh, for God's sake.

15. - Slippery little thing.

16. Are you a resident at this address?

17. Me? No. Uh, I am a house sitter,

18. uh, for Doug... Doug and Barvin.

19. - Barvin? - Yes.

20. And you are?

21. I'm their cousins.

22. They needed to go to the, uh, Toyota dealership

23. to... to test drive the car

24. that they were talking about, a minivan.

25. - They're test driving at night? - Yeah, at night.

26. They, uh, do that at night a lot because, uh...

27. Are you okay, sir?

28. Uh, can I just, uh...

29. I think they just got an email.

30. Just give me one second. I'm so sorry.

31. - Cipher: Let's go! - Go, go, go, go.

32. - Come on. - Go, go, go, go.

33. Shit.

34. Noodles.

35. This way.

36. - Okay. Yeah. Great.

37. Come on. Get down.

38. Okay. Yes.

39. - Go on, get down. - You. Get in, get in, get in.

40. Yes. Get down, get down.

41. All right, they'll stop looking for us soon.

42. We'd better stay put for now.

43. Let's get some rest.

44. Look out for the cops. Go to sleep.

45. That's a recipe for nice dreams.

46. That's sarcasm.

47. Okay.

48. You're on look out, Noodles.

49. Oh, Baskets the Clown, y'all!

50. Man, you are crazy.

51. Just doing my job.

52. Hey. I know clowns are supposed to piss outside,

53. but you can use the cowboy toilet.

54. Hell, you earned it.

55. This is nice.

56. - I never thought... - Jesus!

57. I'd see the day a clown would be a-pissin'

58. in the white people's toilet.

59. Now get over here and sit down.

60. I got a proposition for you.

61. I'm not going to the bar with you.

62. Last time we did that,

63. you pulled a knife on the jukebox.

64. Oh.

65. Now, then, my host, he's had a brain fart.

66. Okay.

67. The doctors call it a stroke,

68. but I know a brain fart when I see one.

69. - Um... - Sorry to hear that.

70. So I need you to be my host.

71. Free tickets in it for you.

72. Free tickets?

73. Free tickets.

74. Okay.

75. Like a master of ceremonies type thing.

76. Yeah, yeah.

77. - Okay. - Good, good.

78. And don't forget,

79. scrape all the bubble gum and puke off the seats

80. before you leave tonight.

81. Yes, sir. It would be my honor.

82. Good night, Baskets.

83. Good night, Eddie.

84. Found another one.

85. That's like 11 on one bench.

86. A Hubba Bubba or something.

87. I think we're in the clear.

88. Cops are probably off sucking jelly

89. at the Donut Shack.

90. We should paint a penis on their squad car.

91. I vote nay on that one.

92. Noodles is right. Let's press on.

93. There should be a river north of here,

94. so we'll just go by way of the river

95. and, uh, find the rails.

96. Maybe we could separate, you know?

97. Throw them off our scent.

98. Make it harder for them to find us.

99. Or maybe I could just branch out on my own.

100. I'm all for losing Noodles.

101. Come on, Morpheus. He's dead weight.

102. She has a good point, Morph.

103. Noodles is part of the family.

104. We already lost Trinity.

105. Besides, he wouldn't last an hour

106. here on his own, so no, Noodles.

107. We stick together.

108. This little 16-year-old,

109. 22-pound cockapoo named Teddy

110. proudly brings in the morning paper.

111. Oh, look at that little guy.

112. I'm gonna get a little dog

113. that brings the newspaper to me, Chip.

114. What do you think about that?

115. Chip.

116. No, I'm im-imagining it, Mom.

117. Thank you.

118. She just loves her routine.

119. He's so smart.

120. She's a little dog.

121. Oh, I love a smart animal.

122. Carry that big paper like that.

123. Hey, Mom, I've got some free tickets

124. to the rodeo.

125. I'm sorry. Ohh!

126. Say that again, honey.

127. I just said that I have some free tickets

128. to the rodeo tonight if you'd like to go.

129. Rodeo?

130. Uh, free tickets.

131. Well, I see you free every day.

132. And what about the smell?

133. Isn't it terrible, the cows and...

134. Yeah, I just thought maybe you'd like to see the horsies.

135. You know, free tickets.

136. Ah, look at him prancing.

137. Part of the reason she's lived so long...

138. Oh, this guy.

139. He should have his own show.

140. I think his name is Rusty.

141. What a good name for him.

142. - Rodeo? - No, I just...

143. I... I have some extra tickets,

144. and I thought maybe you could use them. That's all.

145. Uh, thank you, but no. It sounds boring.

146. Dale, I didn't think you would go.

147. - I was thinking maybe for Nicole... - No, nobody's interested.

148. - Hello? Geez.

149. So you're the host?

150. Yeah.

151. Wow. The host with the most.

152. Well, that's fun.

153. Hey, you know, if you need any jokes,

154. I found a joke book at the dump.

155. What were you doing at the dump?

156. On a date or something?

157. No, I was just snooping around.

158. Snooping around?

159. Yeah. What else do you do at the dump?

160. Well, say hi to your wife for me.

161. I doubt she remembers you, Martha.

162. But, you know, I'll be lucky if she remembers me.

163. Should I wait?

164. No, I'm good.

165. Are you sure?

166. Because I don't have to be...

167. Okay.

168. I come to your rodeo.

169. You will?

170. Sure.

171. It will be fun to see an animal get, uh, torture.

172. Yeah. Torture. That's the word.

173. - Mm. - Penelope,

174. this means so much to me.

175. You mean the world to me. You always have.

176. - You always will. - No, no. It's okay.

177. Go now. I see you there.

178. See you at the rodeo.

179. Hey, Baskets.

180. Listen up now.

181. I've got the running order here for you.

182. Okay.

183. Old Clint Cassidy,

184. he's out with a busted-up knee.

185. - Yep. - Big Beauty is swapped out

186. - with Balls of Fire. - Okay.

187. So he'll get ridded by Lala Doloo...

188. Doo... Lily O'Doul.

189. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Get ridded by who?

190. L-Lily. Lily O'Doul. New cowboy.

191. Elliott Gould?

192. Lily O'Doul.

193. Got it.

194. And the Griffith family,

195. they're going to be doing

196. - a stunt riding routine. - Yeah.

197. Hi. Uh, Ben Haines from Jack Daniels.

198. - Hey, Jack. - Uh, Ben.

199. So after the show,

200. we're raffling off a grill.

201. Now, it's important

202. that you get the language right.

203. - Okay? - Yeah.

204. It's a Jack Daniels Edition

205. - double-walled...

206. Hello.

207. Hey, guys, that's my wife.

208. With porcelain-coated...

209. - Hello. - Hi.

210. - How are you? - Good.

211. Kiss me on the mouth once.

212. You said that I shouldn't do that.

213. It's okay. Forget what I say.

214. Really? Okay.

215. Mm.

216. You have, uh, clown make-up on you.

217. Oh, no. I look like Michael Jackson.

218. Um, you have my ticket?

219. Yes. Uh... Oh, here it is.

220. And what time you start?

221. 6. 6.

222. Oh, but I have a pool party after.

223. Can't you start early?

224. Uh, sure. Let me ask.

225. Hey, Eddie, can we start the show early?

226. Is that possible?

227. No.

228. Ah, so American.

229. - Yeah. - Anyway,

230. I'm going to get my seat.

231. Okay.

232. Hello.

233. That's Troy.

234. Okay. Well, I'll see you later, okay?

235. Okay. Bye.

236. Oh.

237. See you, cowboy. Bye, cowboys.

238. Ciao.

239. That's my wife.

240. Let's go.

241. All right, guys, let's get, uh,

242. get to work. Let's have a good show.

243. All right, now you do five minutes

244. just right off the top.

245. Five minutes of what?

246. Well, whatever will get them all whooped up

247. and to hollering.

248. Hey, Chip.

249. Hey.

250. Hey, Martha. What are you doing here?

251. I mean, hello.

252. Well, I just thought I'd show up.

253. And this is my niece and nephew Bella and Luke.

254. They wanted to see some of the horses.

255. Hi, guys.

256. Yeah, they're definitely related to you.

257. Come on, Baskets.

258. No sense dillydallying like a shot-up mule.

259. I'm dillydallying like a shot-up mule.

260. What do you need, Martha?

261. I just wanted to give you

262. the joke book I found at the dump,

263. just in case you need it later.

264. Okay. Thanks.

265. It, um, kind of smells like banana peels

266. - if you want to... - Yeah.

267. Work that into your act somehow.

268. Thank you very much.

269. Okay. Well, break a leg.

270. Okay.

271. Martha, take the children back to the corn.

272. Come on, guys. Let's go see where the beer is.

273. Whoo!

274. Oh, hey, Penelope.

275. Hey, Martha. Hey, kids.

276. Nice, popcorn.

277. How's everybody doing tonight?

278. - Good. Um,

279. so thank you for...

280. Thank you for coming to the, uh...

281. Thank you for coming to the show.

282. Uh, Bakersfield is, uh...

283. it's a good, uh...

284. uh, good town to be a part of,

285. and, uh, you know what?

286. Maybe I'll, uh... I have a... So... I'll read some jokes.

287. Okay, here's one.

288. "An American went into a London tea shop."

289. Oh, God.

290. Get on with it!

291. Ladies and gentlemen, the Griffith family!

292. Hey, there, y'all!

293. Please, give us a warm welcome

294. for Garrison, Demmy, and Galen!

295. - Yeah!

296. Hey, Chuck.

297. Hey, you know how every night

298. I'm up there doing my, uh,

299. "Clune Sous la Pluie" act?

300. I think so.

301. Yeah, the one where you release the bull every night.

302. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, uh,

303. tonight can you maybe not release,

304. - uh, the bull?

305. Well, that's the best part.

306. I know it's the best part,

307. but my wife is going to be in the audience,

308. and I'd like to impress her,

309. and I think I have a shot with her,

310. you know, romantically,

311. if you don't release the bull.

312. All right.

313. Okay. Thanks. Can I have...

314. Be sure to stick around after the show

315. for our annual Barn Burner Hoedown...

316. Is this ever going to stop?

317. By CostCo.

318. Uh... Oh, there he is.

319. Boo!

320. Get the bull out here.

321. Chuck. Chuck, the bull!

322. Ohh!

323. - Let's go, go, go, go.

324. - Ahh. Damn.

325. The next one.

326. Hey, Chip.

327. Hey, great job, you know?

328. Thanks.

329. Um, in retrospect,

330. maybe using a joke book I found at a landfill

331. wasn't that great of an idea,

332. but you still did a really good job.

333. Penelope left.

334. Um, well, maybe this just isn't her thing.

335. Yeah, maybe I'm not her thing, either.

336. You know?

337. Well, um,

338. I hate to ask you this when you're sulking,

339. but my niece and nephew

340. really wanted to get autographs

341. from the trick riders, if that's possible.

342. Okay. Yeah.

343. Um, yeah. Come on, guys.

344. Come on. I'll take you over.

345. - Hey, uh... - Hey, there.

346. These are a couple of fans,

347. and they'd like some autographs.

348. Of course. Yes.

349. Gallen, Demmy, we have fans.

350. Look at that.

351. Wow, look at all those smiles, Martha.

352. Oh, my goodness.

353. I don't know, whenever I see people smiling that much,

354. I always think they're about to have a nervous breakdown.

355. Well, you'll never have a nervous breakdown, I guess.

356. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't smile, Martha.

357. You'll have a nervous breakdown.

358. Excuse me. Can we get your autograph, too?

359. Okay.

360. Sure.

361. Here. That's $25 each.

362. - Where's the bathroom?

363. Uh, come on, squirt.

364. I'll show you.

365. All right, young man, there's your urinal.

366. Actually, can I pee-pee outside like the clowns?

367. You want to pee-pee outside like the clowns?

368. Okay. Yeah. Right this way.

369. Huh.

370. A grown man smiling at a kid pissing.

371. It's my friend's nephew, Bingo.

372. That's not your pee hand, is it?

373. Maybe.

374. Maybe?

375. Oh, boy.

376. I'm not having fun.

377. Who said this was about fun?

378. You guys love this stuff.

379. Playing cops and robbers all day.

380. It's not for me.

381. This your first time running from the cops?

382. No. It's my second time.

383. First time was in France, but they just had whistles.

384. They said, "Freeze, or we'll whistle."

385. Because the cops got guns in this country,

386. we got to be scared into living some normal, pre-approved life?

387. That sucks, dude.

388. Just tired of making my life harder than it needs to be.

389. Yeah.

390. I hear that.

391. Thanks, Orifice.

392. Yeah. I mean, I had a kid.

393. Daughter, I guess.

394. Got super scared. Shit, a kid. A kid.

395. So I bailed.

396. At first I just ran off for the weekend,

397. hitched to Santa Cruz,

398. and partied pretty hard.

399. I had fun, you know?

400. But once I sobered up, I was, like, embarrassed.

401. I didn't want to go home and have to explain that.

402. So a couple months went by,

403. and that feeling, that embarrassment, man,

404. it just grew like a tumor.

405. And by now it's been, like, years.

406. Probably walking around

407. learning the alphabet and shit.

408. Anyway, I know it's not cool,

409. but that is me.

410. What's your excuse?

411. I don't know, but I don't have

412. a one-man show about it, that's for sure.

413. Train.

414. All right, let's catch this one.

415. - Come on. Let's go. - Come on, move.

416. Go. Come on, Chip.

417. Is it okay if I go with them?

418. Yeah.

419. You want to dance?

420. - Mm-mm. - Why?

421. I can't dance.

422. Well, I know that, but you should try to...

423. - Uh-oh. - Oh, no, no. Chip, help.

424. Whoo! Dance, girl.

425. Dance.

426. Oh, my God. Chip, come on.

427. Come on, Chip.

428. Whoo. All right, come on.

429. Up, up, up, up, up.

430. Here we go. Come on, Noodles.

431. Come on.

432. - Noodles, come on.

433. Want to get arrested? Get up here.

434. Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

435. Whoo!

436. Suckers! Whoo!

437. Ha ha ha ha!

438. Look at us! Whoo!

439. Ha ha!

440. Whoo!

441. Smile, Chip!

442. - Yeah. - Come on.

443. - Come on! - Yeah, come on.

444. There he goes.

445. Ah. There it is. There it is.

446. It ain't easy living this life, man,

447. but hell if it don't have its moments, right?

448. Cherish this shit! Cher...

449. - Aah! - Oh!

450. - Morpheus! - No! No!

451. No!

452. - Name? - Chipford Baskets.

453. - Date of birth? - May 21, 1970.

454. - U.S. citizen? - Yes.

455. Do you want to make a call?

456. You get a phone call if you want.

457. Is there anyone out there

458. that might like to know you're alive?

459. Coming.