1. Penelope went back to
France. She left me.Copy !req
2. - I'm sorry.
- Hello?Copy !req
3. She doesn't understand
a sensitive boy like you,Copy !req
4. but I do, and I'm not gonna leave you.Copy !req
5. You did not scary me off, okay?Copy !req
6. - Well, what was it, then, what? I mean...
- It was your mother.Copy !req
7. I'm not as simple as
you think I am, dear.Copy !req
8. Take me to my mother's, please.Copy !req
9. Well, your mom shouldn't
have done that, Chip,Copy !req
10. but maybe it'll turn out to
be for the best, you know?Copy !req
11. When my ex-fiancé left, I
was really upset at first,Copy !req
12. but then it turned out I had
a lot more space in the closet,Copy !req
13. so it kind of worked out.Copy !req
14. Yeah, well, we didn't share a closet,
so your analogy doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
15. Get off me.Copy !req
16. Well, your mom probably just did itCopy !req
17. 'cause she cares about you.Copy !req
18. Martha, do me a favor.Copy !req
19. Never care about me, please.Copy !req
20. Oh. Maniac!Copy !req
21. This is my granddaughter.
Isn't she beautiful?Copy !req
22. Let me see that.Copy !req
23. She's 21 already. I can't believe it.Copy !req
24. My Cody is dating a 21-year-old.Copy !req
25. Oh!Copy !req
26. - Yeah.
- And how's Chip?Copy !req
27. A little birdie told me he got married.Copy !req
28. Christine, you can tell us.Copy !req
29. Well, they parted ways recently.Copy !req
30. Oh, that's so, so sad.Copy !req
31. - Oh, it was mutual.
- Oh.Copy !req
32. And Chip is better off for it.Copy !req
33. Poor Chip. I mean, first his
father falls off a bridge,Copy !req
34. and now his wife falls
out of the marriage.Copy !req
35. My goodness, that's very sad.Copy !req
36. Well, girls. Who's ready for dessert?Copy !req
37. Oh, me.Copy !req
38. - Everything just looks so good.
- I know, it's delicious.Copy !req
39. Oh... Did you make those cookies?Copy !req
40. Oh, Christine, get in here.Copy !req
41. I can honestly say, this is the
best zucchini cake I've ever had.Copy !req
42. I mean, it's the only zucchini cake.Copy !req
43. Maggie, that was wonderful.
Thank you. I'm gonna head out.Copy !req
44. Oh, well, Christine, what are
you gonna do about your sugar pie?Copy !req
45. - Oh, you keep it.
- That's very sweet of you, dear,Copy !req
46. but nobody in this family would eat it.Copy !req
47. We're all off sugar right now,Copy !req
48. you know, with Shelly and
Michael's wedding coming up.Copy !req
49. Nobody in this family would eat it.Copy !req
50. We're all off sugar right now.Copy !req
51. Ugh!Copy !req
52. Thanks for the ride.Copy !req
53. We're evened up, Baskets.Copy !req
54. - See you at the rodeo.
- Bye, Chip. Good luck.Copy !req
55. Mom.Copy !req
56. Mom.Copy !req
57. Can I have a word...Copy !req
58. Mom, that's a weird place for a nap.
Mom, I need to ta...Copy !req
59. Mom.Copy !req
60. What is that?Copy !req
61. - What did you do to her?
- I didn't do anything, I just got home.Copy !req
62. Oh, please. You have
been causing her stressCopy !req
63. ever since you were a little twerp.Copy !req
64. Look, I'm on my way to a round
robin volleyball tournament in FresnoCopy !req
65. with Sarah. Okay?
I don't have time to handle this.Copy !req
66. - Well, you could forfeit.
- Oh, I could forfeit, could I?Copy !req
67. And just break the hearts of
all of these teenage girls.Copy !req
68. That's not my style, Chip. Okay? God, the
timing of this couldn't be any worse.Copy !req
69. Look, Mom's turning gray.Copy !req
70. Let's just take a breather for a second,
try to figure out what we're gonna do.Copy !req
71. Okay, one thing we're not gonna do,
we're not gonna call an ambulance, okay?Copy !req
72. Because Nicole's brother-in-law
was stuck with a $50,000 ambulance billCopy !req
73. - when his "cloritis" flared up.
- Um...Copy !req
74. - Chip...
- No, I don't know what to do.Copy !req
75. Good Lord, call a limousine,
that'd probably be cheaper.Copy !req
76. Get one of them stretch Hummers.
Probably gonna need it anyway,Copy !req
77. if you know what I mean.Copy !req
78. - Not to make fun of Mama's size.
- Okay, yeah, yeah. Um...Copy !req
79. Do not twerp this up. This is
my mom we're talkin' about here.Copy !req
80. Do you understand me?Copy !req
81. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
82. I hate you, Mama.Copy !req
83. - Her name?
- Uh, Christine Roosevelt Baskets.Copy !req
84. - Age?
- Uh, good question. She was born in 1953.Copy !req
85. - Do the math...
- Does she have any allergies?Copy !req
86. Uh... I... I don't know.Copy !req
87. - My brother would know better.
- Okay. Is he older?Copy !req
88. Yes, he's older, by a day and a half.Copy !req
89. Okay.Copy !req
90. She's 63 years old.
Are you near my brother?Copy !req
91. Can you put him on the phone, please?Copy !req
92. - Your brother wants to talk to you.
- Oh, good. Yes, Dale?Copy !req
93. I guess we're following
Chip's plans now, huh?Copy !req
94. Just, uh, spending money Willy Nilly.
Like we've got it.Copy !req
95. You weren't here. You're off
at your softball tournament.Copy !req
96. Well, listen, do yourself a favor.
When Mama wakes up, if she does wake up,Copy !req
97. maybe explain to her why there's a lien
on her house and a boot on her car.Copy !req
98. Look, I tried to move her.Copy !req
99. I... I couldn't, she was... she
was kind of stuck in the kitchen,Copy !req
100. - and then...
- Sarah. Come here for a second.Copy !req
101. Chip, will you tell my
daughter that she has an uncleCopy !req
102. who is a selfish prick,Copy !req
103. and that he's the only one allowed
to have dreams in this family,Copy !req
104. and that she's not gonna be able
to go to the volleyball tournamentCopy !req
105. because of your attitude.
Are you able to tell her that, please?Copy !req
106. - Listen, I can do this.
- Okay.Copy !req
107. Tell Mama I said hi,
if she wakes up, okay?Copy !req
108. Okay. Hello?Copy !req
109. - What did Uncle Chip want to say?
- He just was goin' on and onCopy !req
110. about how he's ruining the family.Copy !req
111. - Okay.
- It's okay. Let's go!Copy !req
112. Lady Cowboys... Oh, they're off the bus.Copy !req
113. Okay.Copy !req
114. Your mother was living as
an undiagnosed diabetic.Copy !req
115. And somehow she was just maintaining
her levels without even knowing it.Copy !req
116. Until today, when she had
a hypoglycemic episode.Copy !req
117. Um, something caused her
blood sugar levels to crash,Copy !req
118. and she went into a diabetic coma.Copy !req
119. We now have her on a dextrose I.V.
trying to get her blood sugar back up.Copy !req
120. Usually, comas like this just last a few
days until things normalize, but, uh,Copy !req
121. you just never know.Copy !req
122. I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying
attention. Can you repeat that?Copy !req
123. Sure. Um, your mother was living
as an undiagnosed diabetic,Copy !req
124. - and she was maintaining...
- So it's basically bad news?Copy !req
125. Well, the good news
is that you called 911.Copy !req
126. You saved her life, so...Copy !req
127. - That's the good news, right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
128. That's good news.Copy !req
129. It's a lot to process. Why
don't I just leave you be here.Copy !req
130. - Thank you, Doctor.
- Sure.Copy !req
131. Oh, Ma.Copy !req
132. Ma.Copy !req
133. Okay. I'm in.Copy !req
134. And... smells a little weird in here.Copy !req
135. Oh, my God. Jelly beans.Copy !req
136. - Martha.
- Yes?Copy !req
137. Okay, listen, do me a favor.Copy !req
138. There is a framed photo of Cody
and Logan, Mom's in the middle.Copy !req
139. Can you bring that? I'm trying
to make it homier in here.Copy !req
140. Okay. Do you want me to bring
a picture of you and Dale, too?Copy !req
141. Yeah, maybe... maybe there's a
photo of us when we were still cute.Copy !req
142. About how far back would that be?Copy !req
143. The '70s. Early '70s.Copy !req
144. All right, so those
pictures, clothes, toothbrush,Copy !req
145. and then do you need pajamas
or do you sleep in the nude?Copy !req
146. Hi. Hello. Uh,
your door was open. Hello.Copy !req
147. Uh, howdy. Uh... uh...Copy !req
148. That's very dangerous. There's
a lot of crazy people out there.Copy !req
149. It's not safe to leave
your door open like that,Copy !req
150. but anyway, um, yeah, uh,
do you know Chip Baskets?Copy !req
151. - Yes.
- Okay, do... do you know if he's home?Copy !req
152. Uh, is he home?Copy !req
153. No, um, he's actually at the
hospital dealing with a coma.Copy !req
154. Okay. Okay. Hmm, yeah.Copy !req
155. All right. Do you...
do you know which bus lineCopy !req
156. that would... the
hospital would be off of?Copy !req
157. I... I'm a bus guy now, so...Copy !req
158. Um, I actually... I can drive you there.Copy !req
159. I just have to get a few
things and then head over.Copy !req
160. - Oh, great.
- So...Copy !req
161. - Okay.
- Oh, wow. Oh, you smell good.Copy !req
162. Okay. Sorry. Um, anyway...Copy !req
163. Whew. Um, yeah, okay,
but I have to let you knowCopy !req
164. I cannot chip in any money for gas.Copy !req
165. - That's totally okay.
- Awesome.Copy !req
166. - So, you ready?
- Okay, wait.Copy !req
167. Let's go.Copy !req
168. Okay, wait. Who are you?Copy !req
169. Let's go, Lady Cowboys, let's go!Copy !req
170. Sarah, look alive.
Look alive, look alive.Copy !req
171. Thank goodness. Hey, Mom.Copy !req
172. Chip's been driving me
crazy. What's going on?Copy !req
173. This is Chip, Dale.Copy !req
174. Well, talk fast because I got
a volleyball game I'm coaching.Copy !req
175. Let's go, number 4.
You're gonna have to bump it!Copy !req
176. I'm tired of sayin' it! Oh! J...Copy !req
177. - Go ahead. What were you sayin'?
- Mother is in a diabetic coma.Copy !req
178. She should wake up when her sugar
levels are more normal, okay?Copy !req
179. - They have an I.V. in her.
- Oh, that's B.S.!Copy !req
180. Okay, listen, I'm right
here at the hospital. Mom!Copy !req
181. - Mom! See? Nothin'.
- Girls! Bump! Set!Copy !req
182. Spike! It's alphabetical.
It's easy to remember.Copy !req
183. Okay, I'm just thinkin',
I'm thinkin', I'm mulling it over.Copy !req
184. - You're mulling what over?
- Okay, here's what we're gonna do.Copy !req
185. We're gonna take her out of the hospital,
that's one thing we're gonna do,Copy !req
186. and we'll just take care of her at the
house, it'll be a lot cheaper. Okay?Copy !req
187. - Dale, that is a terrible idea. Okay?
- We're gonna get her home,Copy !req
188. we're gonna get her
comfortable, buy some pillows,Copy !req
189. everything like that, because
the hospital is draining us.Copy !req
190. - Time out!
- Okay, I gotta go. I gotta go. Bye.Copy !req
191. Look, I'm the one at the hospital.
I have things under contr...Copy !req
192. He hung up. Unbelievable.Copy !req
193. Mom!Copy !req
194. Mom.Copy !req
195. All right, ladies, this is game point.Copy !req
196. Sarah, get that serve in, okay?Copy !req
197. - Coach, can I have a second?
- Make it quick.Copy !req
198. Hey, ladies, uh, I'm
Dale Baskets, chaperone,Copy !req
199. assistant head coach. Number 4,Copy !req
200. why are you spiking? Do you spike?Copy !req
201. You're too short to
spike. You're a bumper,Copy !req
202. you gotta bump like you mean it. Okay?Copy !req
203. She is a spiker. She's tall.Copy !req
204. You are a stump. Stumps bump. Period!Copy !req
205. Okay? So get out there
and bump like you mean it.Copy !req
206. Bump, bump, bump, bump it up! All right?Copy !req
207. - Go ahead, coach.
- Thank you.Copy !req
208. All right, ladies,
let's get back out there.Copy !req
209. Have fun. Okay? Bring it in.Copy !req
210. Victory on three. One, two, three...Copy !req
211. Victory!Copy !req
212. I can't hear you!Copy !req
213. Sarah, listen to me.Copy !req
214. Okay. None of this J.V. stuff.Copy !req
215. Do not go underhanded.
I want you to go...Copy !req
216. Okay? Do not disappoint me.Copy !req
217. Dad, you're gay.Copy !req
218. You're a gay.Copy !req
219. Let's go, Lady Cowboys.Copy !req
220. Okay, boys, first day of school.Copy !req
221. Dale, I'm counting on you.Copy !req
222. You watch out for Chip, now. He's gonna
need your help today. Love you.Copy !req
223. All right, come on, Sarah!Copy !req
224. - Yeah! Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
225. Oh, my God! Lady Cowboys!Copy !req
226. Lady Cowboys,Copy !req
227. Lady Cowboys, Lady Cowboys.Copy !req
228. Good try, ladies. Nice game.Copy !req
229. You fought your hearts out. Good game.Copy !req
230. - Ya suck!
- Dale!Copy !req
231. Yeah.Copy !req
232. - Hey, Chip.
- Hey.Copy !req
233. The room looks really beautiful.Copy !req
234. Wow. Your friend looks very, very sick.Copy !req
235. - I'm sorry, who... Who are you?
- Hi. Uh, Kurt Wheeler.Copy !req
236. Kurt...Copy !req
237. Are you Chip?Copy !req
238. - Yes. Yes.
- Oh, cool.Copy !req
239. I have a package for you.Copy !req
240. Uh, a delivery.Copy !req
241. Could you open it right now? I mean,Copy !req
242. I love seeing what people get,
and their expression, it's so...Copy !req
243. These are, uh...Copy !req
244. Divorce papers from my wife.Copy !req
245. Oh, man.Copy !req
246. Sorry, I... I thought it was maybe
concert tickets or something like that.Copy !req
247. Uh, just not concert tickets, obviously,Copy !req
248. but she must have sent these
before this happened here.Copy !req
249. - That's my mother.
- Oh, this... This isn't your wife?Copy !req
250. - No... No.
- No. Oh, oh, okay.Copy !req
251. Um, if I could get you to sign this.Copy !req
252. It's, uh, just initial it,
sign it, any... it's good.Copy !req
253. Thanks.Copy !req
254. She drove me over here.
And it... it's, uh...Copy !req
255. 'Cause he can't...
he came to your mom's house.Copy !req
256. Right. Yes. I'm a bus guy, so,
you know, it's kind of, you know...Copy !req
257. Otherwise, this was not
gonna happen, you know, so...Copy !req
258. You can take that.Copy !req
259. Oh.Copy !req
260. Oh, wow. This is...Copy !req
261. I mean, I'm just a...Copy !req
262. I'm a... I'm a bus rider.Copy !req
263. You know, this really means a lot
to me, this is very nice of you.Copy !req
264. Um, I'm gonna go, but great balloons.Copy !req
265. Fantastic balloons. Thank you.Copy !req
266. Um, thanks for the ride. Thank you.Copy !req
267. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
268. I'm really sorry, Chip.Copy !req
269. About?Copy !req
270. Everything.Copy !req
271. Girls, TVs off, laptops down.Copy !req
272. - Dad!
- Don't Dad me right now.Copy !req
273. We got volleyballin' to think about.Copy !req
274. That is tomorrow. Lot of
games. Get with it, all right?Copy !req
275. Chaperone Dale comin' through.Copy !req
276. Go to bed, girls! That is the lamest dance
party I think I've ever seen in my life.Copy !req
277. remember, they're very, very hot.Copy !req
278. Yeah, very, very, hot.Copy !req
279. God.Copy !req
280. Wh...Copy !req
281. Oh. Hey, guys.Copy !req
282. Oh, what up, Chip? It's
not too early, is it?Copy !req
283. - It's afternoon where we are.
- No, I'm up.Copy !req
284. How's Mom doing? I can't
believe she's in a coma.Copy !req
285. That's so crazy.Copy !req
286. - Yo, what up, Mom?
- Guys, she can't hear you.Copy !req
287. - You sure?
- Where are you guys? You're frozen.Copy !req
288. We're in Halifax. Opening up for
The Chemical Brothers tonight.Copy !req
289. - Oh, really? Cool.
- Yeah, we...Copy !req
290. Let's go, Sarah!Copy !req
291. God.Copy !req
292. She stinks.Copy !req
293. Hey, Coach. If you want to
take Sarah out, that's fine.Copy !req
294. - She's obviously the weakest link.
- Dale. Stop.Copy !req
295. It's... I mean, it's game point, Coach.Copy !req
296. It's okay to lose
gracefully. Just calm down.Copy !req
297. - Okay.
- Okay. Fine.Copy !req
298. No! You can't hit the ball, man.Copy !req
299. - I didn't.
- Stop! Yes, you did!Copy !req
300. - No, I didn't.
- We all saw you!Copy !req
301. - Saw me do what?
- Hit the ball!Copy !req
302. I didn't hit the ball,
I'm just the coach.Copy !req
303. - I was just standin' here.
- You're not even a coach.Copy !req
304. You watch your mouth,
lady. Who is this lady?Copy !req
305. There's a lady on a girls' team.
There's a lady on the girls' team.Copy !req
306. Cheaters, cheaters, cheaters.Copy !req
307. - Dad.
- She's probably German, too.Copy !req
308. - With steroid use and such.
- He's a liar. We all saw it.Copy !req
309. Prove it! Prove it. Where's your proof?Copy !req
310. He hit the ball in.Copy !req
311. Sorry for shooting it vertically.
I didn't know it was gonna be a thing.Copy !req
312. Let me see this.Copy !req
313. - No, I didn't.
- We all saw you.Copy !req
314. Oh, this is one of those apps
that'll turn anything into anything.Copy !req
315. This is bullshit.Copy !req
316. Sir, you need to think about the example
that you're setting for the girls.Copy !req
317. - Get out!
- You get out!Copy !req
318. You get...Copy !req
319. Just, uh...Copy !req
320. I'm just going through a lot of thingsCopy !req
321. right now in my life!Copy !req
322. And, uh...Copy !req
323. Sir, Ge... get... Get
off the... get out!Copy !req
324. You try to handle the
problems that I'm dealing with.Copy !req
325. Can you stop?Copy !req
326. Please?Copy !req
327. My mother is in a coma.Copy !req
328. And, uh, you know,
I'm doin' pretty well,Copy !req
329. you know, considering.Copy !req
330. So, uh, I'm gonna be fine,Copy !req
331. I'm sure she's gonna be fine and, uh...Copy !req
332. - Sarah, let's go. Sir... Excuse me.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
333. No, no! Get out... give me my whistle.Copy !req
334. Hi, Chip.Copy !req
335. Hey, Mama.Copy !req
336. I brought you a Toblerone.Copy !req
337. She probably can't eat it right now.Copy !req
338. Of course, she can't
eat Toblerone right now.Copy !req
339. It's okay.Copy !req
340. Seems stupid to bring
a Toblerone in here.Copy !req
341. It's okay.Copy !req
342. How'd the tournament go?Copy !req
343. Well, I cheated.Copy !req
344. The girls played their hearts out,
though, but I got ejected.Copy !req
345. She looks dead.Copy !req
346. She's not.Copy !req
347. Those fellas show up?Copy !req
348. No.Copy !req
349. That figures.Copy !req
350. Your adopted twins,
Mom. They're garbage.Copy !req
351. Okay?Copy !req
352. And we know that Dad didn't
fall off the bridge, he jumped.Copy !req
353. What are you talkin' about?Copy !req