Baskets 1x6

1. Hey, Baskets,

2. why don't you hustle in here for a quick minute?

3. Eddie.

4. I've been seeing you mope around lately,

5. dragging your sad sickness around behind you

6. like a turd on a string.

7. I don't care what happened to you...

8. Your girlfriend dumped you, whatever...

9. I'm gonna help you out.

10. So that's why I'm putting you up for Mr. Rodeo.

11. Mr. Rodeo?

12. Mr. Rodeo. Big competition down in the lone star state.

13. Gonna select the number 1 clown in the nation.

14. But you got to beef your act up.

15. Just letting bulls broadside you ain't gonna cut it.

16. Yeah, well, I'm not actually doing that on purpose.

17. Whatever.

18. You got to add some more of that crazy stuff

19. to your act. Can you unicycle?

20. No.

21. - No? - Mm-mm.

22. Can you rope an ass?

23. Uh... No.

24. I... I've... No, I've never done that.

25. Yeah. People love a good roped ass.

26. - Hmm. - A well-roped ass.

27. Yeah. My ex-wife sure did.

28. Oh. Wait.

29. What did you mean by roped ass in that instance?

30. Donkey.

31. Oh. Yeah.

32. Hey, you got some things to focus on

33. other than your pathetic, pitiful personal life.

34. - Right, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

35. Focus on Mr. Rodeo.

36. Thanks, Eddie.

37. Okay, write this down. Twirl around.

38. I can do that. That's easy.

39. Hey, guys, seven-layer brownies.

40. Mom, move.

41. Whoo! That's baggin'.

42. You had that once, Ringo.

43. Hey, little buddy. How you been?

44. Good.

45. Say, uh, those Mr. Rodeo scouts,

46. they're going to be in the audience tomorrow night.

47. - Yeah? - Yeah.

48. And that's some damn good shit you're doing out there.

49. - Oh, great. - Yeah.

50. You need to get some sleep. You got a big day tomorrow.

51. Okay. Thanks, Eddie.

52. I could use a cigarette.

53. God! You...

54. What are you doing here, Dale?

55. I'll buy a cigarette from you for a dime.

56. $1.50.

57. A dollar f...

58. - A dollar. - Fine.

59. What are you doing here, Dale?

60. Do not tell Nicole that I smoke.

61. She would be pissed. Pee-issed.

62. Yeah? I had a really good show tonight.

63. Oh, did you? That's nice.

64. Nobody gives a shit about your shit show

65. 'cause the real shit show's getting ready to get to town.

66. You know why? Because the DJ twins are coming.

67. The young-uns, the adopted ones.

68. I thought they were in that year-long DJ festival.

69. Yeah, well, that drug-addled DJ hootenanny festival

70. is coming to Bakersfield.

71. And Mom wants to cook them a big meal

72. tomorrow night. You know what that means.

73. We're going to have to suffer through all their talking

74. about their world travels and all their trophies

75. and all their ribbons

76. and all their scratching and being a DJ

77. and all that bullshit that they do for a living.

78. And you have to be there.

79. We have to support each other.

80. Yeah, well, I... I can't go.

81. I have, uh, some rodeo scouts coming for me tomorrow night.

82. So I'm not going to dinner.

83. You have ruined our buttocks.

84. There you are!

85. The twins are coming for dinner.

86. I made their favorite hamburger pizza,

87. and I'm going to need some help from you.

88. Can we do it another night? I'm really busy.

89. Too busy to see your brothers

90. who you haven't seen for five months?

91. Dale and his family are coming.

92. Yeah.

93. I don't ask you to do anything.

94. I give you free room and board.

95. I give you free Costco membership.

96. I give you free balloon school.

97. I'm not going tonight, okay? I'm too busy.

98. It's a big night at the rodeo. I need to practice.

99. Rodeo, rodeo, rodeo.

100. Mom, I need this, okay?

101. The rodeo's the only thing I've got right now.

102. What about your family?

103. Penelope went back to France. She left me.

104. I'm sorry.

105. She doesn't understand a sensitive boy like you,

106. but I do.

107. I just wanted to start a family, but...

108. She didn't want any part of me.

109. You know, she might not love you,

110. but you got a lot of people here who do:

111. Cody, you got Logan, Dale, and you got me.

112. And I'm not going to leave you.

113. You work on your bozo routine,

114. and I'll have Dale help me. How's that?

115. Okay.

116. Okay. Focus on the positives

117. because the twins are coming.

118. Okay, Mom.

119. Well, that toilet was clogged by a bunch of butt biscuits,

120. but I think I got it clean now, Mama.

121. Well, that's good. I got that.

122. I got balloons, ribbons, glasses, plates.

123. One more thing. We need a bigger table.

124. See if you can get something at rent-a-room.

125. You know, something in a Chestnut, Walnut, "Expresso,"

126. uh, what's the, uh, Black wood?

127. Black walnut.

128. That would be beautiful, black walnut.

129. I'm happy to help out, Mama,

130. but why isn't the circus twerp out here doing anything?

131. Well, he's practicing. You can see that.

132. Well, Mama, your "medulla omblongata" must be squeaky clean

133. because he has your brain so washed.

134. That's a part of the brain.

135. Look, I watch your girls at the drop of a hat.

136. And I don't know what your wife's telling them,

137. but they don't like me.

138. You can say what you want about my wife and I,

139. but at least I gave you grandchildren.

140. Thank you, Dale.

141. And don't forget to get something dark.

142. Oh, god.

143. What is this?

144. It's the table.

145. - Oh, god. - What?

146. This is not what I wanted.

147. You're going to like this one.

148. It's got drawers and everything.

149. I hate it.

150. We can take it back.

151. No, we don't have time. Get in here.

152. Shut the door. It's cricket season.

153. Bring it in. Bring it in.

154. Oh, god.

155. I mean, I like it. What time is it?

156. I got to go pick up Sarah from volleyball.

157. Go, go. I'll clean up your mess.

158. Chip doesn't do anything!

159. Do you have any varnish I could rent?

160. All right, that's it. You guys are done.

161. - Grab your balls. - Parents, remember,

162. we have the round-Robin coming up in Fresno.

163. We're 12-0, undefeated.

164. We need to keep that record going,

165. so we do need chaperones. Any volunteers?

166. Maybe I can do it. When is it, next Friday?

167. - It is. Yeah? - When is it again?

168. Uh, it's next Friday.

169. You're in?

170. Do the chaperones get trophies?

171. I'll tell you, it's really going to be fun.

172. Looks nice. Oh, it's 5:30.

173. Chip, get the China out of the garage.

174. I'm going to rinse my feet.

175. Anybody have any idea what time it is?

176. It's 6:00,

177. which is really like 5:30 in show business time.

178. Okay.

179. Uh, we're undefeated, and...

180. We're undefeated, right?

181. - Yeah, Dad. - And, uh, we're going up

182. to the state tournament in Fresno.

183. Very exciting stuff.

184. I'm, uh, one of the coaches

185. and also a... one of the key chaperones, I think.

186. Oh! We have a cricket.

187. Thank you, Dale, for leaving the door open.

188. Now we have a cricket.

189. What are you talking about?

190. You left the door open

191. when they were moving the table in.

192. Why doesn't Chip do anything around here?

193. I have a tournament to think about.

194. Oh, here they are. Okay.

195. I told you they'd get here.

196. - Just some... - I'm coming.

197. Who are my favorite...

198. Hi, Mrs. Baskets.

199. Oh.

200. False alarm, everyone. It's just Martha.

201. It's the dead.

202. I'm not sure we're going to have enough food for her.

203. Actually, I'm just here to pick up Chip for the rodeo.

204. Well, come back later.

205. I can't. We need to go right now.

206. Martha, it's okay. It's no... no rush.

207. I mean, you know.

208. You said you wanted to do a sound check

209. before the Mr. Rodeo scouts get there.

210. Oh, Mr. Rodeo. Who are you, Mrs. rodeo?

211. And the two of you could live at rodeo shack.

212. Good stuff, Dale. Funny.

213. I just came up with that. I just came up with that.

214. Martha, come here.

215. Why?

216. Just have a seat.

217. We'll try to get out of here when the twins show up.

218. - But you told me. - I know that. It's okay.

219. Are they going to be here soon?

220. They're running late.

221. That's how show business works,

222. show business people.

223. Not a bad idea.

224. - Cody! - Hi!

225. I knew they would make it.

226. - Hey! - What's up, baby girl?

227. - Hey, come here! - Mom! There she is!

228. Look what your boys got for you.

229. Oh, presents.

230. Unnecessary.

231. Mwah!

232. - Mm! - Oh.

233. You smell so good.

234. That's a dope-color mumu, Mom.

235. You're definitely rocking that.

236. - Thank you. - Chip!

237. Well, screw you! What's going on, baby?

238. Guys.

239. Oh, you must be the wife.

240. - No, I'm actually... - Welcome.

241. Oh...

242. She's just a, uh...

243. She's... she's my insurance adjuster.

244. - Mm. - Yeah, I'm... I'm Martha.

245. - Oh. - Oh.

246. Well, that's a fast car to be late in.

247. Oh, hey, Dale.

248. You guys at one of your dance raves?

249. Yep.

250. Yeah, I've been at volleyball practice.

251. Something adults do, so...

252. All right, let's get in the house

253. before another cricket gets in there.

254. - Come on. - Come on, let's go.

255. All right. Chip, get the "Dasanti," please.

256. It's a party.

257. Hey! Here got one, mother.

258. Oh. Thank you.

259. "Dasanti."

260. Yo, everybody, enjoy that

261. because dasani, they give us tons of free water now.

262. Yeah, Mom, and they sponsor our DJ tent,

263. which holds 800 people. We packed it last night.

264. Dasani has really enhanced our brand.

265. We even opened up for the chemical brothers.

266. I read an article about them... the chemical brothers.

267. They used the rapper called q-tip.

268. - Yeah. - What a cute name.

269. Why, was Kleenex not available?

270. That's that cricket.

271. Here a fun fact. By the 1960s,

272. a volleyball court had become standard issue

273. in most nudist colonies.

274. Hmm.

275. That's from Wikipedia,

276. so you know it's true.

277. Martha, do you love this?

278. - Yeah. - Is this imported?

279. No, it's distilled and remineralized.

280. It has robustness.

281. For water, you don't expect it,

282. - and then mm. - Yeah.

283. You know, Chip's really succeeding

284. at the rodeo right now.

285. He's in the running to be Mr. Rodeo,

286. and actually we need to get going

287. if we're going to make it for that.

288. - Shh. - Hey, Chip, what's up, brother?

289. Where's your wife at?

290. I don't know. Paris, I think.

291. - Paris? - What's she doing in Paris?

292. I'm going to check the cheeseburger pizza.

293. Yo, brother,

294. why don't you send her our CD?

295. I guarantee she'll come back to you.

296. Play number 4. That's the one I play

297. when it's lovemaking time.

298. - You do? - Yeah, I do.

299. I use number 2: "Soggy."

300. Remember we opened up for Nelly furtado?

301. Martha, check this.

302. I don't know if your CD will appeal to her.

303. Uh, she's more of an aquafina lady.

304. Good god!

305. - Oh, my goodness. - Sorry.

306. Thank you, Martha. Chip, Dale,

307. get some of those old, uh, paper napkins in the garage.

308. Oh, Martha, he could never hit anything.

309. If you see it, kill it.

310. Chip, Chip, do you have any idea how hard it is

311. to watch somebody that looks just like me

312. make a complete pussy whistle out of themselves? Huh?

313. - Yes. - I'll tell you one thing.

314. I am not going to let those DJ twins win.

315. For sure we will be there.

316. - We will be there. - What an honor, sir.

317. Thank you. All right.

318. Bye.

319. Everyone, we just got invited

320. to have pre-show hotdogs with the chemical brothers.

321. Yes! Oh, that's so wonderful.

322. - Yay. - Thank you for the food.

323. - We got to take off. - Oh, wait. Dessert.

324. Sit down. We're going to have dessert.

325. - We have to leave. - It's a celebration.

326. Have some dessert with us. A big celebration.

327. Would you guys like to make the whipped cream with me

328. like when you were little kids?

329. Mom, you don't understand.

330. The chemical brothers, they're headlining

331. the monster shut up and drive tent tonight.

332. We got to go. The venue's, like, an hour from here.

333. Well, what about tomorrow having breakfast?

334. Um, I doubt it. We're usually wasted.

335. Okay? We got to go.

336. Let me get my camera. I need a picture.

337. You don't need to do that, Mom. You don't need to do that.

338. - Yo, bye, everyone. - Bye, everyone.

339. - Bye. - Don't sweat it, Mom.

340. We'll send you some selfies.

341. Bye.

342. Bye, guys.

343. Maybe we should... Maybe we should go now.

344. Oh. All I could find was this disposable.

345. - They're gone? - Yeah.

346. They had to take off.

347. Christine, do you want some help with the whipped cream?

348. No.

349. I had a dream the other night.

350. We were taking a family photo:

351. Uh, Chip, Dale, and, uh, my husband.

352. And, uh, we were all smiling except Nathaniel.

353. I said, "Nathaniel, smile."

354. But he just looked straight ahead.

355. Sometimes you just don't know how unhappy someone is.

356. - Hey, Mom. - Hmm.

357. This one.

358. Oh.

359. I guess it wasn't a dream.

360. Heh heh.

361. Crickets.

362. Well, there goes my deposit.

363. And my pizza.

364. Fantastic. And I'm going to put it

365. right in the ready grill.

366. Now if I can get you to do me a favor and set it.

367. And forget it.

368. In just 15 to 18 minutes,

369. it's going to be perfect.

370. So our flank steaks are done,

371. and they are perfect.

372. Look at those. Like any good steak,

373. it's going to need a couple of minutes to rest,

374. and while that's happening,

375. we can get our rice side dish ready

376. and light-core veggies ready.

377. Seems like they always got

378. something better to do, you know?

379. They shouldn't have left, Mom.

380. But anyway, um...

381. Thanks for putting all this together.

382. You can go, Chip.

383. Go be Mr. Rodeo.

384. Okay.

385. Sorry.

386. Okay, Chip, good luck out there tonight.

387. I know those Mr. Rodeo scouts are going to love you

388. - because you've been putting... - Keep driving.

389. Wait. You just got here.

390. Shut up and drive.

391. Where?

392. Shut up and drive, Martha.

393. I'm sure proud you folks drove all the way to Bakersfield

394. From Austin, Texas, for my show tonight.

395. And I want you to know

396. that you're about to have your socks blown off.

397. Ladies and gentlemen, b-b-b-b-Baskets the clown!

398. Come on, Baskets. Get your butt out here.

399. Son of a bitch.

400. You can put your socks back on.

401. Wait. What are we doing here?

402. I don't know.

403. Cody, Logan.

404. Chip. What you doing here?

405. We just took some meat, dude. Get a hotdog.

406. You want a hotdog?

407. No, I'm good. Thank you very much.

408. - Martha, you? - No, I'm okay.

409. She's... we're good with hotdogs.

410. Um, look, I came by here to tell you that, um...

411. Mom really loves you guys.

412. She's really proud of all your accomplishments,

413. and she always has, she always will.

414. But, uh...

415. She's bummed that you guys had a visit planned

416. and then you bailed on her.

417. I can't cheer her up,

418. and Dale certainly can't cheer her up

419. because he's so weird.

420. But I think that you guys should call Mom.

421. All right? Call her

422. because it's you two that she loves

423. and she's really proud of,

424. and there's nothing that Dale and I can do about it.

425. She doesn't like us.

426. I'm sorry about you guys being adopted

427. into this Baskets family situation.

428. I know it's not the greatest situation to be in.

429. But, uh...

430. Just call. Call Mom, okay?

431. Or write her. Hit her up on Twitter.

432. Whatever you guys do, okay?

433. - Okay. - Okay.

434. Cool. Cool.

435. - Bye, guys. - Bye, Martha.

436. - Peace out, Chip. - Please out.

437. Uh, remember when we made doughnuts?

438. And then... I was sleeping,

439. and you kids were in the kitchen...

440. And I almost broke my back.

441. Man.

442. It's so good to see you.

443. Oh, I miss you kids.

444. - We miss you, Mom. - We do.

445. Oh. Hey, Chip, you're up.

446. Did you win Mr. Rodeo?

447. No.

448. Cody and Logan are here.

449. - Oh, yeah. You know what? - Good. They must...

450. They're busy, they're in demand,

451. but they're not too busy for family.

452. They're not too busy for us.

453. They brought us bear claws

454. and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

455. Good for them.

456. Yeah. And there's plenty for you.

457. Plenty for you, kiddo.

458. Enjoy.

459. Everybody got a water?

460. Chip, you got a water?

461. Martha, you got one?

462. - Yeah, it's great. - Mm.

463. Usually I like it chilled, but it's delicious.

464. When you need more, Ma, just let us know.

465. We'll send it to you.

466. And the bottle's so pretty.

467. Isn't it?

468. If you put the light through that,

469. oh, my god.

470. I might put some in the window.