1. There comes a time
in every Rodeo Bull's lifeCopy !req
2. when it's time for him to acknowledgeCopy !req
3. that he's now just a no-good,
worthless piece of dog meat.Copy !req
4. So we gather here today to perform
sacred slaughtering ritualCopy !req
5. to indoctrinate Panhandle
Slim II's tough old assCopy !req
6. into the rodeo bull hall of Famey.Copy !req
7. All right, y'all, call it.Copy !req
8. - Brisket!
- Short loin!Copy !req
9. - Bottom sirloin!
- All right.Copy !req
10. - Rump!
- Hoofs!Copy !req
11. - Tripe!
- Tenderloin!Copy !req
12. - Shank!
- Cow tongue!Copy !req
13. - Flank!
- Ox tail!Copy !req
14. I'll take some meatloaf.Copy !req
15. Maybe a slice of meatloaf.Copy !req
16. Meatloaf? Oh, my god.Copy !req
17. Anyone else?Copy !req
18. - She's not here.
- Yeah, right, just put her on.Copy !req
19. Dale, I don't know where she is. I'm busy.Copy !req
20. I'm eating a steak. I gotta go. Okay?Copy !req
21. Bull crap, you're eatin' a steak.Copy !req
22. You can't even afford a steak.Copy !req
23. Listen, we got a lead on an antique
hutch out in shafter.Copy !req
24. I need her to look after the girls.Copy !req
25. Dale, just ask Chip to do it.Copy !req
26. What?Copy !req
27. Nicole said I should ask you
to watch after the girls.Copy !req
28. I might as well just stick
'em in the refrigerator.Copy !req
29. I am a grown man. I can watch the kids.Copy !req
30. Uh, okay, what would you do
in case of an emergency then?Copy !req
31. I would call you.Copy !req
32. We're gonna be knee deep in hutches.Copy !req
33. - You ain't gonna call us.
- Dale, give me the phone.Copy !req
34. Hi, Chip.Copy !req
35. All you need to do is pick
them up from schoolCopy !req
36. and make sure they get dinner.Copy !req
37. You're signing their death warrantsCopy !req
38. - by having him to this.
- Shh!Copy !req
39. You mean, like, I'd be...Copy !req
40. I'd be their dad?Copy !req
41. Well, yeah, but more like their uncle.Copy !req
42. - Yeah, I could do that.
- Oh, that's great.Copy !req
43. - Thank you.
- Tell him not to sit on...Copy !req
44. When you get here, don't sit
on the sofas again. Okay?Copy !req
45. Or the loveseat.Copy !req
46. You can sit on the Ottoman. Okay, bye.Copy !req
47. Bye.Copy !req
48. Oh, boy.Copy !req
49. Who keeps puttin' Twizzlers in the fridge?Copy !req
50. I told... Is it Sarah?Copy !req
51. - Crystal.
- Crystal does it.Copy !req
52. - She likes 'em cold.
- Okay, well, Crystal,Copy !req
53. you and I are gonna have
another Twizzler talk.Copy !req
54. Madam, you're blocking out the sun.Copy !req
55. Can you please move?Copy !req
56. Penelope?Copy !req
57. Penelope Baskets?Copy !req
58. Who are you?Copy !req
59. I'm Chip's mom. Your new mother-in-law.Copy !req
60. Now, get out of there and get dried off.Copy !req
61. We've got some catchin' up to do.Copy !req
62. And that's the Cineplex.Copy !req
63. Eight screens, if you can believe it.Copy !req
64. That's our second Arby's in town.Copy !req
65. Some say it's better.
The fries are curlier.Copy !req
66. Though, I wouldn't know it.
I'm loyal to the original.Copy !req
67. Oh! And that's where they're
gonna put the bullet train.Copy !req
68. Do you have trains in Europe?Copy !req
69. Yes, we have train in Europe.Copy !req
70. Well, ours will be American made,Copy !req
71. so it'll be better.Copy !req
72. Every time I picture a European train,Copy !req
73. I picture gypsies gyppin' around.Copy !req
74. I... I have that image in my head.Copy !req
75. I'd like to see it live.Copy !req
76. I just think this view is so pretty.Copy !req
77. Don't you think this view is pretty?Copy !req
78. Uh...Copy !req
79. You know, it's like,
uh, pretty like, uh...Copy !req
80. How do you say where you put
the garbage in English?Copy !req
81. A garbage dump.Copy !req
82. Ah, you really picked
up that English fast.Copy !req
83. Thank you.Copy !req
84. You're welcome.Copy !req
85. Just park in the lot over there.Copy !req
86. Uh, well, actually, I pick up my niece
and nephew here sometimes,Copy !req
87. and the way it works is you pull up...Copy !req
88. Martha, you can't...Copy !req
89. You're shouting too much, okay?Copy !req
90. Crystal!Copy !req
91. Sarah!Copy !req
92. Crystal!Copy !req
93. Excuse me, is there anything
I can help you with?Copy !req
94. No, I'm okay. I'm an uncle, I'm fine.Copy !req
95. Just... just looking for some people.Copy !req
96. Thank you. Crystal!Copy !req
97. Well, I disagree.Copy !req
98. Speaking for the Republic of Panama,Copy !req
99. I think that it means...Copy !req
100. Panama. Hold on one second.Copy !req
101. Crystal!Copy !req
102. Sarah!Copy !req
103. No? No Crystal or Sarah here?Copy !req
104. - No.
- Okay. As you...Copy !req
105. No.Copy !req
106. Oh, you are a man of stones.Copy !req
107. - Had I your eyes and tongue...
- Sarah! Crystal!Copy !req
108. - I'd use them...
- Sarah and Crystal... sorry.Copy !req
109. Cut, cut, cut the scene. Cut, cut.Copy !req
110. Have you guys seen Sarah or Crystal?Copy !req
111. No? Okay.Copy !req
112. What's the deal with this guy?Copy !req
113. I couldn't find them.Copy !req
114. Should we put out a couple Amber alerts?Copy !req
115. How does that work?Copy !req
116. Yeah, maybe. Or maybe,
is that them over there?Copy !req
117. Yeah, that's them. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
118. Girls, let's go!Copy !req
119. Crystal, you're really
favoring your mom these days.Copy !req
120. You look very Chinese.Copy !req
121. Our mom's Filipino.Copy !req
122. Yeah, right.Copy !req
123. So, how was your day, ladies?Copy !req
124. God, Martha, the volumeCopy !req
125. in which you speak is like a scream.Copy !req
126. God.Copy !req
127. Did you guys have a nice day today?Copy !req
128. Fine, thank you.Copy !req
129. Fine, I guess, except I hate my life.Copy !req
130. That's good.Copy !req
131. I guess I should just kill myself.Copy !req
132. That sounds like a plan. Take a left here.Copy !req
133. Okay.Copy !req
134. Oh, I guess I could boil these hot dogs.Copy !req
135. Do you think they have
a designated pot for that?Copy !req
136. That's a very good question
I'll go ask Sarah.Copy !req
137. And everyone hates you.
Because you're a slut, okay?Copy !req
138. - Sarah.
- Do you understand?Copy !req
139. I'm sorry. Did I interrupt something?Copy !req
140. Nothing. It's fine.Copy !req
141. Okay, good. Martha has
a question about her boil.Copy !req
142. So, eh...Copy !req
143. What's going on?Copy !req
144. My friend Kelly is ruining my life.Copy !req
145. Well, how so? What do you mean?Copy !req
146. She's turning all my friends against me,Copy !req
147. and now I just want to kill myself.Copy !req
148. Oh, Sarah.Copy !req
149. Look. Suicide is not the answer, usually.Copy !req
150. It's not like anyone would care anyways.Copy !req
151. Well, I'm sure somebody cares, I assume.Copy !req
152. Hey, is everything okay?Copy !req
153. Martha, keep your voice down, please.Copy !req
154. Everyone at school hates me.Copy !req
155. Um, well, how would your dad
handle the situation?Copy !req
156. Make things worse.Copy !req
157. Well, that's true.Copy !req
158. He would make things worse.Copy !req
159. But you know what?Copy !req
160. There's good news and bad news.Copy !req
161. The bad news is your father stinks.Copy !req
162. But, uh, the good news
is that I'm your uncle,Copy !req
163. and I can do something about it.Copy !req
164. And I'm gonna do something about it. Okay?Copy !req
165. Um, Chip.Copy !req
166. Is this about the hot dogs?Copy !req
167. No.Copy !req
168. What is it? I'm talking
to my suicidal niece.Copy !req
169. Look, I'm sorry, I usually
ignore my instincts...Copy !req
170. - You should.
- But I just think thatCopy !req
171. in this case, you should leave this alone.Copy !req
172. Good old-fashioned do-nothing Martha.Copy !req
173. Sarah. Come on. Let's go!Copy !req
174. Oh. Look at this.Copy !req
175. Oh, that's perfect for you.Copy !req
176. - Oh.
- I'm gonna get one, too.Copy !req
177. Oh, I love this place.Copy !req
178. I'd love to get lost in here.Copy !req
179. Wouldn't it be something?
Do you have this in France?Copy !req
180. - Not yet.
- Hm.Copy !req
181. I didn't think so.Copy !req
182. Ah. Acid reducer.Copy !req
183. This stuff is a life saver.Copy !req
184. Uh. Do you have multi packs in France?Copy !req
185. I don't think we take so much
medication in France like you do.Copy !req
186. Oh, well, that's a shame.Copy !req
187. Oh, cheese balls.Copy !req
188. It's the only thing Chip
would eat as a child.Copy !req
189. I got tired of fighting him on it.Copy !req
190. I gave 'em to him for breakfast,
lunch and dinner.Copy !req
191. Nice diet for your kids, huh?Copy !req
192. Oh, he blew up, but I helped
him get the weight off.Copy !req
193. I always supported Chip. He needed
more attention than other kids.Copy !req
194. But I always supported him.Copy !req
195. Even during this clowning phase.Copy !req
196. It's hard being a good mother.Copy !req
197. I mean, $1.50 for a quarter pound hot dog.Copy !req
198. And a drink. Très bien, right?Copy !req
199. Can I help you?Copy !req
200. Yes, hi. Um, I think
that your daughter Kelly,Copy !req
201. um, may have exchanged
some words with our Sarah here,Copy !req
202. and it got a little heated, you know?Copy !req
203. And, uh, is it possible to come inside,Copy !req
204. and maybe chat about it,Copy !req
205. have a lemonade, have a laugh,Copy !req
206. and maybe figure this thing out?Copy !req
207. Okay.Copy !req
208. So, um,Copy !req
209. let's just maybe cut to the chase here.Copy !req
210. Um, girls, maybe we'll just
start talkin' aboutCopy !req
211. why you don't like each other.Copy !req
212. Sarah, you want to start?Copy !req
213. Uh, Kelly photoshopped a picture of me,Copy !req
214. - put it on Instagram and it made my...
- I posted that photoCopy !req
215. because you told señora CarlsonCopy !req
216. that you were worried about meCopy !req
217. - because I looked totally pregnant.
- Sorry for beingCopy !req
218. a good friend. I was scared for you.Copy !req
219. You know, maybe we need a speaking koosh.Copy !req
220. - Oh, I like that idea.
- And anyways,Copy !req
221. I only talked to señora CarlsonCopy !req
222. because I was mad that you and MelanieCopy !req
223. applied for jobs at forever 21 without me.Copy !req
224. I don't have a Koosh on me.
Do you have one?Copy !req
225. Frank, honey.Copy !req
226. Huh? Koosh?Copy !req
227. - Yeah.
- I don't know what that is.Copy !req
228. - It's a... it's a...
- It's like a, uh...Copy !req
229. It looks like a porcupine made
out of rubber or something.Copy !req
230. It's like a fuzzy ball and, um...Copy !req
231. It's not really fuzzy,
it's spiky but soft.Copy !req
232. You could call it fuzzy
a little, and it...Copy !req
233. It looks more fuzzy than it is.Copy !req
234. It's called a Koosh. It's a rubber thing.Copy !req
235. It sort of looks like a big cat toy.Copy !req
236. Like, uh, something they would bat around.Copy !req
237. And the thing is, if you're holding
it, you're allowed to speak.Copy !req
238. So, did anyone else's family do this?Copy !req
239. No.Copy !req
240. Well, like, two days before that,Copy !req
241. you told Marna that forever
21 was for skanks.Copy !req
242. Why are you being so mean to me?Copy !req
243. Maybe I should just kill myself.Copy !req
244. - Maybe you should.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
245. Okay, okay, okay, guys.Copy !req
246. What are you doing, Martha?Copy !req
247. You know, actually, I do have a Koosh.Copy !req
248. It's a mini.Copy !req
249. Oh, Koosh. Yeah.Copy !req
250. I know what that is.Copy !req
251. Okay, so you can start. Ready, set, go.Copy !req
252. Well, like, Melanie didn't
want to work with youCopy !req
253. after you told James and VictorCopy !req
254. that I had a pack of condoms in my locker.Copy !req
255. They already knew anyways,Copy !req
256. and that was after you stole
my volleyball jersey.Copy !req
257. Because you texted Josh and CarmenCopy !req
258. that I was a bad person.Copy !req
259. Because you told everyone
in volleyball practiceCopy !req
260. - that I was a horse-faced bitch.
- Wow. Sarah...Copy !req
261. - do I need to hold it?
- You should... he should have the Koosh.Copy !req
262. Yeah, okay, Martha.Copy !req
263. I don't want to use... why
are we doing this Koosh thing?Copy !req
264. Sorry.Copy !req
265. Look, I'm... I made a mistake.Copy !req
266. I... I planned this out wrong.Copy !req
267. I didn't have a dad. You know, I didn't...
I didn't...Copy !req
268. I had him for a couple years.Copy !req
269. I think, you know, fatherhood, in general,Copy !req
270. is, uh, tricky.Copy !req
271. When you... we should...
We're gonna leave.Copy !req
272. Ready?Copy !req
273. Are you ready? Let's go.Copy !req
274. Hm! Are you sure, you don't
want someting to eat?Copy !req
275. The burger is delicious.Copy !req
276. I'm fine.Copy !req
277. What about a glass of California wine?Copy !req
278. No.Copy !req
279. They say California wine
is better than French wine.Copy !req
280. Who say?Copy !req
281. Uh, Sonoma Valley.Copy !req
282. - Oh, yeah?
- Have you heard of wine country?Copy !req
283. - No.
- And you know it's Wednesday.Copy !req
284. Two for one.Copy !req
285. Wine is two for one.Copy !req
286. I don't want two for one.Copy !req
287. - No?
- No.Copy !req
288. I want one for one, you know?Copy !req
289. Well, you can't beat the price.Copy !req
290. I suppose this town pales
compared to Paris, huh, Penelope?Copy !req
291. Paris is outdated.Copy !req
292. People are pessimist, uh, idiot racists.Copy !req
293. But "Bakerfield" is a breeze
of fresh air for me.Copy !req
294. - Yeah?
- Yes. I like it.Copy !req
295. You know what I like?Copy !req
296. - Hm?
- Penelope Baskets for a name.Copy !req
297. No, I'm not taking the name, you know.Copy !req
298. - No?
- No. It's Penelope Ebert.Copy !req
299. So you'll be Baskets-Ebert?Copy !req
300. Uh, Chip didn't tell you
about our arrangement?Copy !req
301. Hmm?Copy !req
302. You know it's not really
marriage for love so much.Copy !req
303. It's more for the green card.Copy !req
304. Hm. How do your parents feel
about that arrangement?Copy !req
305. I don't care.Copy !req
306. I don't see them, you know, so much.Copy !req
307. My father send me money,Copy !req
308. but other than that, no contact.Copy !req
309. So you're just gonna take
Chip for everything he's got?Copy !req
310. Bleed him dry?Copy !req
311. No, I bleed my father dry.Copy !req
312. But, uh, Chip is more, uh,Copy !req
313. you know, like a little puppy.Copy !req
314. Follow me around. You know?Copy !req
315. And he's okay with it, you know?Copy !req
316. If he choose not to accept reality,Copy !req
317. it's not my fault, is it?Copy !req
318. Well, I'm not surprised.Copy !req
319. Chip's never known what's good for him.Copy !req
320. Well, I'm glad we cleared that up, huh?Copy !req
321. I'll bet your friend will think twiceCopy !req
322. before she steals
your volleyball jersey again.Copy !req
323. I stole her volleyball jersey.Copy !req
324. What? That was what this was about?Copy !req
325. - Yeah.
- What a waste of time, then.Copy !req
326. You owe Martha gas money. Make
sure she pays you gas money.Copy !req
327. Why can't you be more like your sister?
Unbelievable.Copy !req
328. Oh, god. There's too much
Estrogen in this car.Copy !req
329. Sweetie, you okay?Copy !req
330. Today was awful.Copy !req
331. Why?Copy !req
332. I did a dance in drama and...Copy !req
333. Everyone laughed.Copy !req
334. Everyone laughed?Copy !req
335. I gotta see this dance.Copy !req
336. Oh, this is not my apartment, Mama.Copy !req
337. That's okay, honey.
It'll just take a second.Copy !req
338. Oh, is this an ancestor?Copy !req
339. Chip's father Nathaniel.Copy !req
340. No.Copy !req
341. Dale and Chip were 13 when it happened.Copy !req
342. I get a call in the middle of the night.Copy !req
343. Nathaniel had accidentally
fallen off that bridgeCopy !req
344. while admiring the river.Copy !req
345. I had to explain it to those
kids the next morning.Copy !req
346. I... I don't know how I got through that.Copy !req
347. You know, Dale was fine. He got over it.Copy !req
348. Nothin' sticks to that kid,
he's like Teflon.Copy !req
349. But Chip.Copy !req
350. I didn't think he was gonna make it.Copy !req
351. - He shut down.
- Hm.Copy !req
352. And then one day he came home from school,Copy !req
353. he said, "I taught myself how to juggle."Copy !req
354. And from then on he had
a tiny life preserver.Copy !req
355. I knew he'd be okay.Copy !req
356. I know he should move
on, but he never will.Copy !req
357. He was always a sensitive kid.Copy !req
358. So I need you here and nowCopy !req
359. to promise meCopy !req
360. that you won't hurt that sensitive kid.Copy !req
361. Mama Basket...Copy !req
362. You know, I can't do any more damage.Copy !req
363. I wait for you in the car.Copy !req
364. Yes, I need a listing in Paris.Copy !req
365. That's in France.Copy !req
366. You know, Crystal,
the thing about laughterCopy !req
367. is that sometimes it can be really hardCopy !req
368. to tell the difference betweenCopy !req
369. when people are laughing at youCopy !req
370. versus when they're laughing with you.Copy !req
371. - I think that in this case...
- They were laughing at her.Copy !req
372. They were laughing at you.Copy !req
373. - They were?
- Yeah.Copy !req
374. But it's okay. That's fine.Copy !req
375. But I don't want them to laugh at me.Copy !req
376. Here's the thing, Crystal.Copy !req
377. You're... you're not
that good of a dancer,Copy !req
378. but, uh, now you know.Copy !req
379. So the next time you get
up there and dance,Copy !req
380. just do it even worse, so when
they're out there laughing,Copy !req
381. you can enjoy it.Copy !req
382. Because those laughs are yours.Copy !req
383. Not theirs. They're yours.Copy !req
384. - Really?
- Yes.Copy !req
385. So no matter what terrible
thing happens in your life,Copy !req
386. it doesn't matter
because you're in on the joke.Copy !req
387. You see?Copy !req
388. Uh, yes.Copy !req
389. What are we having for dinner?Copy !req
390. Um, we've got about 20 minutes
left on the hot dog boil,Copy !req
391. and I'm also making rice pilaf.Copy !req
392. Gross.Copy !req
393. Wieners and rice.Copy !req
394. Oh, boy.Copy !req
395. How many bathrooms do you guys have here?Copy !req
396. Three.Copy !req
397. I'm gonna need two of 'em.Copy !req
398. Well, we found our hutch.
$200 under the...Copy !req
399. Oh, hi, Marcia.Copy !req
400. $200 under the asking price
we was willing to pay,Copy !req
401. which is a pretty good deal.Copy !req
402. So, uh, Chip, we don't need you anymore.Copy !req
403. Girls, that hutch ain't gonna
get itself up the stairs.Copy !req
404. Help your mama.Copy !req
405. What is that, wieners and rice?Copy !req
406. Gross. Girls.Copy !req
407. Hey, Martha, uh...Copy !req
408. Let's take our leave.Copy !req
409. Bye, girls.Copy !req
410. Bye. Thanks, Uncle Chip.Copy !req
411. - You're welcome.
- Bye.Copy !req
412. Oh. Well, then. Thank you
so much for buying dinner.Copy !req
413. It's nothing.Copy !req
414. Thank you very much
for the tour of "Bakerfield."Copy !req
415. Oh, sure thing.Copy !req
416. Well. I'll wait here. You get your stuff.Copy !req
417. What stuff?Copy !req
418. All your stuff.Copy !req
419. We're gonna head to the airport.Copy !req
420. I have a direct flight to Paris for you.Copy !req
421. I got it on Icelandair.
I got a very good deal.Copy !req
422. Of course, all my miles
are on Southwest, but,Copy !req
423. oh, you can't pass up a bargain.Copy !req
424. What are you talking about, Mama Basket?Copy !req
425. Well, I had a conversation
with your father.Copy !req
426. Monsieur Ebert.Copy !req
427. I guess I wasn't the only one in the dark
on the marriage.Copy !req
428. He said for me to tell you this.Copy !req
429. If you're not on that flight,Copy !req
430. you can kiss your trust fund goodbye.Copy !req
431. Those were his words. He
spoke very good English.Copy !req
432. I'm sorry.Copy !req
433. I'm not as simple as you think I am, dear.Copy !req
434. Here you go.Copy !req
435. There, there, now. Take your time.Copy !req
436. Then get your things.Copy !req
437. Did you had a nice time today?Copy !req
438. Yeah, I... I guess I did. Why?Copy !req
439. Well, I just thought you seemed
really at home with those girls.Copy !req
440. Martha, that was my brother's home.Copy !req
441. I think you're confused
'cause we look the same.Copy !req
442. He's my twin.Copy !req
443. No, I mean you did a really good job.Copy !req
444. No, I mean you did a really good job.Copy !req
445. I think you really helped
that little dancer girl.Copy !req
446. You could be a great
father some day, Chip.Copy !req
447. - Father.
- Yeah.Copy !req
448. Hm.Copy !req
449. Hey, Martha?Copy !req
450. Yeah?Copy !req
451. Can I ask you a really important question?Copy !req
452. Sure.Copy !req
453. Yeah. Sure. It's in my purse.Copy !req
454. Thank you.Copy !req
455. Hello.Copy !req
456. - Penelope.
- Chips?Copy !req
457. Hi, um, I... listen, I just want
to talk to you for a second.Copy !req
458. I had a life-changing experience today,Copy !req
459. you know, being daddy
to my nieces, and, um...Copy !req
460. I know this might sound crazy but, uh,Copy !req
461. I think I want to start a family.Copy !req
462. - With you.
- Wait. What?Copy !req
463. Look, I know it sounds crazy,Copy !req
464. but I think that I can get this right.Copy !req
465. - No, Chip.
- I can finally get something right.Copy !req
466. - Chip.
- You know, being... being a dad,Copy !req
467. - and having a family.
- Chip!Copy !req
468. Listen. I'm going back to France.Copy !req
469. What's that?Copy !req
470. I'm going back to France.Copy !req
471. I... Penelope.Copy !req
472. - I'm sorry.
- Penelope...Copy !req
473. Flight 148 to Seattle
will begin boarding now.Copy !req
474. Hello?Copy !req
475. Penelope.Copy !req
476. Penel...Copy !req
477. How did it go, Uncle Chip?Copy !req
478. It was the wrong number.Copy !req