1. Ed: There comes a time
in every Rodeo Bull's lifeCopy !req
2. when it's time for him to acknowledgeCopy !req
3. that he's now just a no-good,
worthless piece of dog meat.Copy !req
4. So we gather here today to perform
sacred slaughtering ritualCopy !req
5. to indoctrinate Panhandle
Slim II's tough old assCopy !req
6. into the rodeo bull hall of Famey.Copy !req
7. All right, y'all, call it.Copy !req
8. - Brisket!
- Short loin!Copy !req
9. - Bottom sirloin!
- All right.Copy !req
10. - Man: Rump!
- Man: Hoofs!Copy !req
11. - Man: Tripe!
- Tenderloin!Copy !req
12. - Shank!
- Cow tongue!Copy !req
13. - Flank!
- Ox tail!Copy !req
14. I'll take some meatloaf.Copy !req
15. Maybe a slice of meatloaf.Copy !req
16. Meatloaf? Oh, my god.Copy !req
17. Anyone else?Copy !req
18. - Hello.
- Put mother on, please.Copy !req
19. - She's not here.
- Yeah, right, just put her on.Copy !req
20. Dale, I don't know where she is. I'm busy.Copy !req
21. I'm eating a steak. I gotta go. Okay?Copy !req
22. Bull crap, you're eatin' a steak.Copy !req
23. You can't even afford a steak.Copy !req
24. Listen, we got a lead on an antique
hutch out in shafter.Copy !req
25. I need her to look after the girls.Copy !req
26. Dale, just ask Chip to do it.Copy !req
27. What?Copy !req
28. Nicole said I should ask you
to watch after the girls.Copy !req
29. I might as well just stick
'em in the refrigerator.Copy !req
30. I am a grown man. I can watch the kids.Copy !req
31. Uh, okay, what would you do
in case of an emergency then?Copy !req
32. I would call you.Copy !req
33. We're gonna be knee deep in hutches.Copy !req
34. - You ain't gonna call us.
- Dale, give me the phone.Copy !req
35. Hi, Chip.Copy !req
36. All you need to do is pick
them up from schoolCopy !req
37. and make sure they get dinner.Copy !req
38. You're signing their death warrantsCopy !req
39. - by having him to this.
- Shh!Copy !req
40. You mean, like, I'd be...Copy !req
41. I'd be their dad?Copy !req
42. Well, yeah, but more like their uncle.Copy !req
43. - Yeah, I could do that.
- Oh, that's great.Copy !req
44. - Thank you.
- Tell him not to sit on...Copy !req
45. When you get here, don't sit
on the sofas again. Okay?Copy !req
46. Or the loveseat.Copy !req
47. You can sit on the Ottoman. Okay, bye.Copy !req
48. Bye.Copy !req
49. Oh, boy.Copy !req
50. Who keeps puttin' Twizzlers in the fridge?Copy !req
51. I told... Is it Sarah?Copy !req
52. - Crystal.
- Crystal does it.Copy !req
53. - She likes 'em cold.
- Okay, well, Crystal,Copy !req
54. you and I are gonna have
another Twizzler talk.Copy !req
55. Madam, you're blocking out the sun.Copy !req
56. Can you please move?Copy !req
57. Penelope?Copy !req
58. Penelope Baskets?Copy !req
59. Who are you?Copy !req
60. I'm Chip's mom. Your new mother-in-law.Copy !req
61. Now, get out of there and get dried off.Copy !req
62. We've got some catchin' up to do.Copy !req
63. And that's the Cineplex.Copy !req
64. Eight screens, if you can believe it.Copy !req
65. That's our second Arby's in town.Copy !req
66. Some say it's better.
The fries are curlier.Copy !req
67. Though, I wouldn't know it.
I'm loyal to the original.Copy !req
68. Oh! And that's where they're
gonna put the bullet train.Copy !req
69. Do you have trains in Europe?Copy !req
70. Yes, we have train in Europe.Copy !req
71. Well, ours will be American made,Copy !req
72. so it'll be better.Copy !req
73. Every time I picture a European train,Copy !req
74. I picture gypsies gyppin' around.Copy !req
75. I... I have that image in my head.Copy !req
76. I'd like to see it live.Copy !req
77. Mrs. I just think
this view is so pretty.Copy !req
78. Don't you think this view is pretty?Copy !req
79. Uh...Copy !req
80. You know, it's like,
uh, pretty like, uh...Copy !req
81. How do you say where you put
the garbage in English?Copy !req
82. A garbage dump.Copy !req
83. Ah, you really picked
up that English fast.Copy !req
84. Thank you.Copy !req
85. You're welcome.Copy !req
86. Just park in the lot over there.Copy !req
87. Uh, well, actually, I pick up my niece
and nephew here sometimes,Copy !req
88. and the way it works is you pull up...Copy !req
89. Martha, you can't...Copy !req
90. You're shouting too much, okay?Copy !req
91. Crystal!Copy !req
92. Sarah!Copy !req
93. Crystal!Copy !req
94. Excuse me, is there
anything I can help you with?Copy !req
95. No, I'm okay. I'm an uncle, I'm fine.Copy !req
96. Just... just looking for some people.Copy !req
97. Thank you. Crystal!Copy !req
98. Well, I disagree.Copy !req
99. Speaking for the Republic of Panama,Copy !req
100. I think that it means...Copy !req
101. Panama. Hold on one second.Copy !req
102. Crystal!Copy !req
103. Sarah!Copy !req
104. No? No Crystal or Sarah here?Copy !req
105. - No.
- Okay. As you...Copy !req
106. No.Copy !req
107. Oh, you are a man of stones.Copy !req
108. - Had I your eyes and tongue...
- Sarah! Crystal!Copy !req
109. - I'd use them...
- Sarah and Crystal... sorry.Copy !req
110. Cut, cut, cut the scene. Cut, cut.Copy !req
111. Have you guys seen Sarah or Crystal?Copy !req
112. No? Okay.Copy !req
113. What's the deal with this guy?Copy !req
114. I couldn't find them.Copy !req
115. Should we put out a couple Amber alerts?Copy !req
116. How does that work?Copy !req
117. Yeah, maybe. Or maybe,
is that them over there?Copy !req
118. Yeah, that's them. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
119. Girls, let's go!Copy !req
120. Crystal, you're really
favoring your mom these days.Copy !req
121. You look very Chinese.Copy !req
122. Our mom's Filipino.Copy !req
123. Yeah, right.Copy !req
124. So, how was your day, ladies?Copy !req
125. God, Martha, the volumeCopy !req
126. in which you speak is like a scream.Copy !req
127. God.Copy !req
128. Did you guys have a nice day today?Copy !req
129. Fine, thank you.Copy !req
130. Fine, I guess, except I hate my life.Copy !req
131. That's good.Copy !req
132. I guess I should just kill myself.Copy !req
133. That sounds like a plan. Take a left here.Copy !req
134. Okay.Copy !req
135. Oh, I guess I could boil these hot dogs.Copy !req
136. Do you think they have
a designated pot for that?Copy !req
137. That's a very good question
I'll go ask Sarah.Copy !req
138. And everyone hates you.
Because you're a slut, okay?Copy !req
139. - Sarah.
- Do you understand?Copy !req
140. I'm sorry. Did I interrupt something?Copy !req
141. Nothing. It's fine.Copy !req
142. Okay, good. Martha has
a question about her boil.Copy !req
143. So, eh...Copy !req
144. What's going on?Copy !req
145. My friend Kelly
is ruining my life.Copy !req
146. Well, how so? What do you mean?Copy !req
147. She's turning all my friends against me,Copy !req
148. and now I just want to kill myself.Copy !req
149. Oh, Sarah.Copy !req
150. Look. Suicide is not the answer, usually.Copy !req
151. It's not like anyone
would care anyways.Copy !req
152. Well, I'm sure
somebody cares, I assume.Copy !req
153. Hey, is everything okay?Copy !req
154. Martha, keep your voice down, please.Copy !req
155. Everyone at school hates me.Copy !req
156. Um, well, how would your dad
handle the situation?Copy !req
157. Make things worse.Copy !req
158. Well, that's true.Copy !req
159. He would make things worse.Copy !req
160. But you know what?Copy !req
161. There's good news and bad news.Copy !req
162. The bad news is your father stinks.Copy !req
163. But, uh, the good news
is that I'm your uncle,Copy !req
164. and I can do something about it.Copy !req
165. And I'm gonna do something about it. Okay?Copy !req
166. Um, Chip.Copy !req
167. Is this about the hot dogs?Copy !req
168. No.Copy !req
169. What is it? I'm talking
to my suicidal niece.Copy !req
170. Look, I'm sorry, I usually
ignore my instincts...Copy !req
171. - You should.
- But I just think thatCopy !req
172. in this case, you should leave this alone.Copy !req
173. Good old-fashioned do-nothing Martha.Copy !req
174. Sarah. Come on. Let's go!Copy !req
175. Oh. Look at this.Copy !req
176. Oh, that's perfect for you.Copy !req
177. - Oh.
- I'm gonna get one, too.Copy !req
178. Oh, I love this place.Copy !req
179. I'd love to get lost in here.Copy !req
180. Wouldn't it be something?
Do you have this in France?Copy !req
181. - Not yet.
- Hm.Copy !req
182. I didn't think so.Copy !req
183. Ah. Acid reducer.Copy !req
184. This stuff is a life saver.Copy !req
185. Uh. Do you have multi packs in France?Copy !req
186. I don't think we take so much
medication in France like you do.Copy !req
187. Oh, well, that's a shame.Copy !req
188. Oh, cheese balls.Copy !req
189. It's the only thing Chip
would eat as a child.Copy !req
190. I got tired of fighting him on it.Copy !req
191. I gave 'em to him for breakfast,
lunch and dinner.Copy !req
192. Nice diet for your kids, huh?Copy !req
193. Oh, he blew up, but I helped
him get the weight off.Copy !req
194. I always supported Chip. He needed
more attention than other kids.Copy !req
195. But I always supported him.Copy !req
196. Even during this clowning phase.Copy !req
197. It's hard being a good mother.Copy !req
198. I mean, $1.50 for a quarter pound hot dog.Copy !req
199. And a drink. Très bien, right?Copy !req
200. Can I help you?Copy !req
201. Yes, hi. Um, I think
that your daughter Kelly,Copy !req
202. um, may have exchanged
some words with our Sarah here,Copy !req
203. and it got a little heated, you know?Copy !req
204. And, uh, is it possible to come inside,Copy !req
205. and maybe chat about it,Copy !req
206. have a lemonade, have a laugh,Copy !req
207. and maybe figure this thing out?Copy !req
208. Okay.Copy !req
209. So, um,Copy !req
210. let's just maybe cut to the chase here.Copy !req
211. Um, girls, maybe we'll just
start talkin' aboutCopy !req
212. why you don't like each other.Copy !req
213. Sarah, you want to start?Copy !req
214. Uh, Kelly photoshopped a picture of me,Copy !req
215. - put it on Instagram and it made my...
- I posted that photoCopy !req
216. because you told señora CarlsonCopy !req
217. that you were worried about meCopy !req
218. - because I looked totally pregnant.
- Sorry for beingCopy !req
219. a good friend. I was scared for you.Copy !req
220. You know, maybe we need a speaking koosh.Copy !req
221. - Oh, I like that idea.
- And anyways,Copy !req
222. I only talked to señora CarlsonCopy !req
223. because I was mad that you and MelanieCopy !req
224. applied for jobs at forever 21 without me.Copy !req
225. I don't have a Koosh on me.
Do you have one?Copy !req
226. Frank, honey.Copy !req
227. Huh? Koosh?Copy !req
228. - Yeah.
- I don't know what that is.Copy !req
229. - It's a... it's a...
- It's like a, uh...Copy !req
230. It looks like a porcupine made
out of rubber or something.Copy !req
231. It's like a fuzzy ball and, um...Copy !req
232. It's not really fuzzy,
it's spiky but soft.Copy !req
233. You could call it fuzzy
a little, and it...Copy !req
234. It looks more fuzzy than it is.Copy !req
235. It's called a Koosh.
It's a rubber thing.Copy !req
236. It sort of looks like a big cat toy.Copy !req
237. Like, uh, something they would bat around.Copy !req
238. And the thing is, if you're holding
it, you're allowed to speak.Copy !req
239. So, did anyone else's family do this?Copy !req
240. No.Copy !req
241. Well, like, two days before that,Copy !req
242. you told Marna that forever
21 was for skanks.Copy !req
243. Why are you being so mean to me?Copy !req
244. Maybe I should just kill myself.Copy !req
245. - Maybe you should.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
246. Okay, okay, okay, guys.Copy !req
247. What are you doing, Martha?Copy !req
248. You know, actually, I do have a Koosh.Copy !req
249. It's a mini.Copy !req
250. Oh, Koosh. Yeah.Copy !req
251. I know what that is.Copy !req
252. Okay, so you can start. Ready, set, go.Copy !req
253. Well, like, Melanie didn't
want to work with youCopy !req
254. after you told James and VictorCopy !req
255. that I had a pack of condoms in my locker.Copy !req
256. They already knew anyways,Copy !req
257. and that was after you stole
my volleyball jersey.Copy !req
258. Because you texted Josh and CarmenCopy !req
259. that I was a bad person.Copy !req
260. Because you told everyone
in volleyball practiceCopy !req
261. - that I was a horse-faced bitch.
- Wow. Sarah...Copy !req
262. - do I need to hold it?
- You should... he should have the Koosh.Copy !req
263. Yeah, okay, Martha.Copy !req
264. I don't want to use... why
are we doing this Koosh thing?Copy !req
265. Sorry.Copy !req
266. Look, I'm... I made a mistake.Copy !req
267. I... I planned this out wrong.Copy !req
268. I didn't have a dad. You know, I didn't...
I didn't...Copy !req
269. I had him for a couple years.Copy !req
270. I think, you know, fatherhood, in general,Copy !req
271. is, uh, tricky.Copy !req
272. When you... we should...
We're gonna leave.Copy !req
273. Ready?Copy !req
274. Are you ready? Let's go.Copy !req
275. Hm! Are you sure, you don't
want someting to eat?Copy !req
276. The burger is delicious.Copy !req
277. I'm fine.Copy !req
278. What about a glass of California wine?Copy !req
279. No.Copy !req
280. They say California wine
is better than French wine.Copy !req
281. Who say?Copy !req
282. Uh, Sonoma Valley.Copy !req
283. - Oh, yeah?
- Have you heard of wine country?Copy !req
284. - No.
- And you know it's Wednesday.Copy !req
285. Two for one.Copy !req
286. Wine is two for one.Copy !req
287. I don't want two for one.Copy !req
288. - No?
- No.Copy !req
289. I want one for one, you know?Copy !req
290. Well, you can't beat the price.Copy !req
291. I suppose this town pales
compared to Paris, huh, Penelope?Copy !req
292. Paris is outdated.Copy !req
293. People are pessimist, uh, idiot racists.Copy !req
294. But "Bakerfield" is a breeze
of fresh air for me.Copy !req
295. - Yeah?
- Yes. I like it.Copy !req
296. You know what I like?Copy !req
297. - Hm?
- Penelope Baskets for a name.Copy !req
298. No, I'm not taking the name, you know.Copy !req
299. - No?
- No. It's Penelope Ebert.Copy !req
300. So you'll be Baskets-Ebert?Copy !req
301. Uh, Chip didn't tell you
about our arrangement?Copy !req
302. Hmm?Copy !req
303. You know it's not really
marriage for love so much.Copy !req
304. It's more for the green card.Copy !req
305. Hm. How do your parents feel
about that arrangement?Copy !req
306. I don't care.Copy !req
307. I don't see them, you know, so much.Copy !req
308. My father send me money,Copy !req
309. but other than that, no contact.Copy !req
310. So you're just gonna take
Chip for everything he's got?Copy !req
311. Bleed him dry?Copy !req
312. No, I bleed my father dry.Copy !req
313. But, uh, Chip is more, uh,Copy !req
314. you know, like a little puppy.Copy !req
315. Follow me around. You know?Copy !req
316. And he's okay with it, you know?Copy !req
317. If he choose not to accept reality,Copy !req
318. it's not my fault, is it?Copy !req
319. Well, I'm not surprised.Copy !req
320. Chip's never known what's good for him.Copy !req
321. Well, I'm glad we cleared that up, huh?Copy !req
322. I'll bet your friend will think twiceCopy !req
323. before she steals
your volleyball jersey again.Copy !req
324. I stole her volleyball jersey.Copy !req
325. What? That was what this was about?Copy !req
326. - Yeah.
- What a waste of time, then.Copy !req
327. You owe Martha gas money. Make
sure she pays you gas money.Copy !req
328. Why can't you be more like your sister?
Unbelievable.Copy !req
329. Oh, god. There's too much
Estrogen in this car.Copy !req
330. Sweetie, you okay?Copy !req
331. Today was awful.Copy !req
332. Why?Copy !req
333. I did a dance in drama and...Copy !req
334. Everyone laughed.Copy !req
335. Everyone laughed?Copy !req
336. I gotta see this dance.Copy !req
337. Oh, this is not
my apartment, Mama.Copy !req
338. Mrs. That's okay, honey.
It'll just take a second.Copy !req
339. Oh, is this an ancestor?Copy !req
340. Chip's father Nathaniel.Copy !req
341. No.Copy !req
342. Dale and Chip were 13 when it happened.Copy !req
343. I get a call in the middle of the night.Copy !req
344. Nathaniel had accidentally
fallen off that bridgeCopy !req
345. while admiring the river.Copy !req
346. I had to explain it to those
kids the next morning.Copy !req
347. I... I don't know how I got through that.Copy !req
348. You know, Dale was fine. He got over it.Copy !req
349. Nothin' sticks to that kid,
he's like Teflon.Copy !req
350. But Chip.Copy !req
351. I didn't think he was gonna make it.Copy !req
352. - He shut down.
- Hm.Copy !req
353. And then one day he came home from school,Copy !req
354. he said, "I taught myself how to juggle."Copy !req
355. And from then on he had
a tiny life preserver.Copy !req
356. I knew he'd be okay.Copy !req
357. I know he should move
on, but he never will.Copy !req
358. He was always a sensitive kid.Copy !req
359. So I need you here and nowCopy !req
360. to promise meCopy !req
361. that you won't hurt that sensitive kid.Copy !req
362. Mama Basket...Copy !req
363. You know, I can't do any more damage.Copy !req
364. I wait for you in the car.Copy !req
365. Yes, I need a listing in Paris.Copy !req
366. That's in France.Copy !req
367. You know, Crystal,
the thing about laughterCopy !req
368. is that sometimes it can be really hardCopy !req
369. to tell the difference betweenCopy !req
370. when people are laughing at youCopy !req
371. versus when they're laughing with you.Copy !req
372. - I think that in this case...
- They were laughing at her.Copy !req
373. They were laughing at you.Copy !req
374. - They were?
- Yeah.Copy !req
375. But it's okay. That's fine.Copy !req
376. But I don't want them to laugh at me.Copy !req
377. Here's the thing, Crystal.Copy !req
378. You're... you're not
that good of a dancer,Copy !req
379. but, uh, now you know.Copy !req
380. So the next time you get
up there and dance,Copy !req
381. just do it even worse, so when
they're out there laughing,Copy !req
382. you can enjoy it.Copy !req
383. Because those laughs are yours.Copy !req
384. Not theirs. They're yours.Copy !req
385. - Really?
- Yes.Copy !req
386. So no matter what terrible
thing happens in your life,Copy !req
387. it doesn't matter
because you're in on the joke.Copy !req
388. You see?Copy !req
389. Uh, yes.Copy !req
390. What are we having for dinner?Copy !req
391. Um, we've got about 20 minutes
left on the hot dog boil,Copy !req
392. and I'm also making rice pilaf.Copy !req
393. Gross.Copy !req
394. Wieners and rice.Copy !req
395. Oh, boy.Copy !req
396. How many bathrooms do you guys have here?Copy !req
397. Three.Copy !req
398. I'm gonna need two of 'em.Copy !req
399. Well, we found our hutch.
$200 under the...Copy !req
400. Oh, hi, Marcia.Copy !req
401. $200 under the asking price
we was willing to pay,Copy !req
402. which is a pretty good deal.Copy !req
403. So, uh, Chip, we don't need you anymore.Copy !req
404. Girls, that hutch ain't gonna
get itself up the stairs.Copy !req
405. Help your mama.Copy !req
406. What is that, wieners and rice?Copy !req
407. Gross. Girls.Copy !req
408. Hey, Martha, uh...Copy !req
409. Let's take our leave.Copy !req
410. Bye, girls.Copy !req
411. Bye. Thanks, Uncle Chip.Copy !req
412. - You're welcome.
- Bye.Copy !req
413. Oh. Well, then. Thank you
so much for buying dinner.Copy !req
414. It's nothing.Copy !req
415. Thank you very much
for the tour of "Bakerfield."Copy !req
416. Oh, sure thing.Copy !req
417. Well. I'll wait here. You get your stuff.Copy !req
418. What stuff?Copy !req
419. All your stuff.Copy !req
420. We're gonna head to the airport.Copy !req
421. I have a direct flight to Paris for you.Copy !req
422. I got it on Icelandair.
I got a very good deal.Copy !req
423. Of course, all my miles
are on Southwest, but,Copy !req
424. oh, you can't pass up a bargain.Copy !req
425. What are you talking about, Mama Basket?Copy !req
426. Well, I had a conversation
with your father.Copy !req
427. Monsieur Ebert.Copy !req
428. I guess I wasn't the only one in the dark
on the marriage.Copy !req
429. He said for me to tell you this.Copy !req
430. If you're not on that flight,Copy !req
431. you can kiss your trust fund goodbye.Copy !req
432. Those were his words. He
spoke very good English.Copy !req
433. I'm sorry.Copy !req
434. I'm not as simple as you think I am, dear.Copy !req
435. Here you go.Copy !req
436. There, there, now. Take your time.Copy !req
437. Then get your things.Copy !req
438. Did you had a nice time today?Copy !req
439. Yeah, I... I guess I did. Why?Copy !req
440. Well, I just thought you seemed
really at home with those girls.Copy !req
441. Martha, that was my brother's home.Copy !req
442. I think you're confused
'cause we look the same.Copy !req
443. He's my twin.Copy !req
444. No, I mean you did a really good job.Copy !req
445. I think you really helped
that little dancer girl.Copy !req
446. You could be a great
father some day, Chip.Copy !req
447. - Father.
- Yeah.Copy !req
448. Hm.Copy !req
449. Hey, Martha?Copy !req
450. Yeah?Copy !req
451. Can I ask you a really important question?Copy !req
452. Sure.Copy !req
453. Can I use your phone? There's someone
else I'd rather talk to.Copy !req
454. Yeah. Sure. It's in my purse.Copy !req
455. Thank you.Copy !req
456. - Penelope: Hello.Copy !req
457. - Penelope.
- Chips?Copy !req
458. Hi, um, I... listen, I just want
to talk to you for a second.Copy !req
459. I had a life-changing experience today,Copy !req
460. you know, being daddy
to my nieces, and, um...Copy !req
461. I know this might sound crazy but, uh,Copy !req
462. I think I want to start a family.Copy !req
463. - With you.
- Wait. What?Copy !req
464. Look, I know it sounds crazy,Copy !req
465. but I think that I can get this right.Copy !req
466. - No, Chip.
- I can finally get something right.Copy !req
467. - Chip.
- You know, being... being a dad,Copy !req
468. - and having a family.
- Chip!Copy !req
469. Listen. I'm going back to France.Copy !req
470. What's that?Copy !req
471. I'm going back to France.Copy !req
472. I... Penelope.Copy !req
473. - I'm sorry.
- Penelope...Copy !req
474. Flight 148 to Seattle
will begin boarding now.Copy !req
475. Hello?Copy !req
476. Penelope.Copy !req
477. Penel...Copy !req
478. How did it go, Uncle Chip?Copy !req
479. It was the wrong number.Copy !req