Barry 2x3

1. - (SNAPS) Barry. - Am I evil?

2. Oh my God. I mean...

3. absolutely. Do I not tell you that enough?

4. What the fuck you doing here, man?

5. Did you kill a fuckin' cop?

6. - Fuches, you and I are— - Huh? No, I could go to jail.

7. I don't wanna see you again!

8. - Hi, Dad. - Were you planned? No.

9. So I did what every great actor does.

10. I improvised.

11. You left.

12. You wanna leave them wanting more, not less.

13. That troll Esther is pulling fast one.

14. So we get in there, we shoot her

15. in her crazy watermelon-sized head,

16. massive fumble turnover for Hank.

17. (SOFTLY) Ah, come—!

18. And what of the future? What does it hold?

19. Thomas Friedman, let's start with you.

20. The future of the world is multinational alliances.

21. And to thrive in this new economy,

22. you are going to have to sacrifice some of your sovereignty.

23. But make no mistake, Asia is on the rise.

24. Bullshit.

25. Who brought dum-dum over here?

26. Asia is not on rise,

27. because Hank has rock-solid plan to stop Asia

28. and restore natural order of business.

29. Well, respectfully, I'm not sure that you're going to single-handedly stop

30. the rise of Asia as a global market force.

31. Well, respectfully, why don't you shut the fuck up?

32. Because Asia will be done the second I put a bullet

33. in her massive, massive head.

34. So, you know what, Thomas Friedman?

35. You are bad at writing, and nobody likes you.

36. Hank.

37. Hank!

38. Jeez. What's up?

39. Cristobal needs you. Something has happened.

40. You mean like... like something bad?

41. Cristobal, what's up? Did something happen to Esther?

42. Holy shit. I guess not,

43. because here she is.

44. Esther and her men were attacked last night.

45. At the monastery? I imagine?

46. Wow, what a dirtbag would attack you at a holy place

47. and fail?

48. Thankfully.

49. I mean, you look great. With your Slurpee.

50. I guess he, uh, didn't do his job.

51. Or her job...

52. Or maybe it was coordinated drone attack?

53. A white boy, in a Lululemon tracksuit.

54. - Hmm. - He ran away.

55. Someone is trying to play with us, Hank.

56. (chuckles) Someone is playing games.

57. Games like the chess you showed me.

58. Now I just have to figure out

59. if it is a small piece or a big piece.

60. Hmm.

61. Maybe the horsey.

62. Maybe the horsey.

63. Hank, I don't think it is safe

64. for her to stay at the monastery.

65. I have invited Esther, and some of her men to stay here, with us.

66. So you and your men will have to make some room for them.

67. So then, where are we supposed to stay?

68. Akhmal, we have work to do.

69. Should we go to Ikea? Get area rug, maybe?

70. Couple beanbag chairs?

71. We have to kill Barry.

72. This is the story of the first time I took a life.

73. I was at an OP with my best friend, Albert.

74. We had seen some suspicious activity,

75. and Albert told me to take the shot.

76. I did.

77. And it was the first time I ever felt a sense of purpose,

78. a sense of community.

79. First time I killed someone, it was the best day of my li—

80. - (banging keyboard) - No, no, no, no, no, no.

81. Fuck.

82. Are you struggling with your piece?

83. Anything I can help with?

84. Yeah, I just don't know if I wanna do it.

85. What? Why?

86. It was really powerful. I mean, it was

87. literally about life and death.

88. No, I know it's about life and death, but...

89. I don't know, I did a lot over there.

90. It wasn't all just... this stuff.

91. Listen, I know better than anybody

92. how scary it is to confront the past.

93. I mean, you know, when Gene pushed me to talk about my marriage, you saw me.

94. It totally freaked me out.

95. Honestly, it's... it's kind of been therapeutic.

96. Like, okay, I just wrote the part

97. where I finally stood up to him and left him.

98. And I— Okay.

99. But listen to this. (sighs)

100. You just put your hands on me for the last time, Sam.

101. You wanna choke me? Well, choke on this.

102. I'm fucking leaving you.

103. He choked you?

104. Oh yeah. I mean, he was a total piece of shit.

105. I'm actually supposed to Skype with my friend Kate

106. who was there the night I left him.

107. So the Wi-Fi is better in your living room, yeah?

108. - Yeah. - Yeah, great.

109. - You might wanna make sure Nick's dressed, though. - Yeah.

110. - And... Okay. - (door closes)

111. Leo, are you there?

112. - Come on. What is this? - I know, I know, I know.

113. It looks a little Mark David Chapman,

114. but here's the real reason I'm here.

115. I'm so sorry about how our last conversation ended,

116. and I wanted to make it up to you,

117. so I brought you something.

118. Ta-da!

119. Open it.

120. - What is this? - That is the key

121. to my cabin. I want you to have it.

122. I want to keep it in the family.

123. No strings attached.

124. (stammering): I... don't need a vacation home.

125. No, see, there's the rub. I don't see it as a vacation home.

126. I see it as a business opportunity

127. where you and I work together,

128. and it can really bring us closer.

129. You can maintain it, you can show it, you can rent it.

130. You want me to be your groundskeeper?

131. I like to think of it more as assistant to the owner.

132. - Okay. - Now,

133. - I can't give you a wage, obviously. - Dad, Dad!

134. - But we can share the proceeds. - Dad, I don't want the cabin

135. where your girlfriend was murdered. That's sick!

136. Just please— just please go away.

137. Please, Dad. Please, please.

138. Please leave me alone.

139. So Mark is Hayden's baseball coach,

140. and he's taking it so damn seriously.

141. He's kind of taking out all of his aggression on Hayden

142. even though he wasn't even a good baseball player

143. - if you remember in high school. - No, he was shit.

144. Oh, and he's chewing tobacco now

145. - which is so vile. I'm dying. - Ew.

146. - Tell him I say hi, though. - I will.

147. Um, okay, so I started writing.

148. - Wow! - Yeah.

149. I mean, everybody writes their own material these days, so...

150. Um, and I decided I'm gonna write a scene about Sam.

151. Okay.

152. - Why? - I mean specifically about the night that I left.

153. So do you remember that night?

154. Um... (clears throat)

155. Yeah, unfortunately I remember that night really well.

156. Yeah, I know. Sorry that we never really, like, talked about it.

157. Um, but this is really important.

158. It's for this acting class, and I just, I...

159. I need to know like what you remember about that last night.

160. I remember that you came over in the middle of the night,

161. and you had the welts on your neck.

162. And you were a mess.

163. You said that you had been

164. at the Rooster earlier, dancing with Ken Singleton,

165. and then Sam flipped out about it.

166. - Yeah. - So then when you got home,

167. he beat you up.

168. So we decided that you needed to get out of there.

169. And we headed over to your place,

170. and I grabbed a baseball bat,

171. like that's gonna do any good.

172. And when we got there, he was

173. passed out on the floor as usual.

174. So we just grabbed a whole bunch of your stuff,

175. we just threw it in the car, and you took off.

176. Yeah, right, but that was after I told him to fuck off.

177. Oh. I don't... I don't really remember that.

178. No, I said— I said, "You wanna choke me, you coward?

179. Well, choke on this. I'm out of here."

180. - Wow! - Yeah.

181. I told you this at the time.

182. Well, it was a long time ago.

183. - And... and it was a crazy night. - Yeah.

184. And... (laughs) We shouldn't talk about that.

185. We should talk about all the good things

186. - that are happening for you. - Yeah.

187. Mark and I, we watched you when you played the alien mom.

188. - Oh God, how crazy was that makeup? - That was so good.

189. Did you guys see this other show I did?

190. It was called Pompeii's Burning.

191. No, I don't think I've seen that. I—

192. To be honest, I'm so busy with the kids,

193. - I don't really have time to watch much. - Oh, right.

194. Except for Grey's Anatomy, Kardashians,

195. all the Desperate Housewives, This Is Us,

196. So You Think You Can Dance? The Voice.

197. I love the Switched at Birth.

198. I like that one with the family with all the kids.

199. That's a good one.

200. This is not the story of the first time I took a life,

201. but the first time I saved a life.

202. It was my second deployment.

203. We were in the Korengal Valley.

204. A villager's donkey had been killed,

205. and Albert and I were trying to settle

206. a dispute over who was responsible.

207. - Okay, anybody here shoot a donkey? - (soldiers laughing)

208. - Right, I didn't think so. - (speaking foreign language)

209. Look, I understand that you're upset about your donkey,

210. but no one here shot it,

211. so we're not gonna compensate you for it.

212. Talk to me, talk to me. He can talk to me.

213. - He said God is watching you. - God is watching me?

214. - Well, then God knows that I— - (gun firing)

215. Corpsman

216. Corpsman!

217. Corpsman, flank!

218. Corpsman!

219. - (rapid gunfire) - Soldier: Do you see 'em?

220. - No. No, Albert! - Watch your ten!

221. Watch your four to five!

222. - Soldier: Hey, you! - (woman screaming)

223. - No, no, no, no, no... - (banging on keyboard)

224. Fuck.

225. - How the fuck did you miss? - I don't know how to shoot gun!

226. Hey, you know this about yourself,

227. yet when I ask you to come kill Barry, you say okay?

228. Hank, there is a power dynamic here which prevents me—

229. - Noho Hank: Get down! - (screaming)

230. - What happened? - I got fucking shot!

231. - Shit. - Ow, my fucking arm!

232. Aah! It's so painful!

233. I did a table read with Wilmer Valderrama.

234. You know him. He's a lot of fun.

235. He's really... loose.

236. - Fez? Yeah! - Yeah, Fez! Yeah.

237. Okay, Akhmal, you got to get your shit together,

238. just stand up there, and shoot him.

239. - Okay? Believe in yourself! - Fuck you! I— I just got shot!

240. Well, I got shot too, remember?

241. Barry shot me like precisely in same arm.

242. Oh, same spot! Wow, he's so good!

243. - All right, but I wasn't a baby about it, was I? Come on! - (footsteps approach)

244. Get up, Hank. Get up.

245. You fucking nuts?

246. Taking shots at me? My fucking girlfriend's in there!

247. You fucked our plan.

248. I'm dead man anyway, so you know what?

249. Just do it.

250. Do it.

251. Fuck!

252. - Oh my God! - Fuck!

253. Oh my God, that was so scary!

254. That was really scary.

255. - Hank, listen to me. We can't— - (vomits) Oh, no.

256. - Come on, man. Hank. - (retches, coughs)

257. (coughing): Oh my God.

258. (groans) Oh my God!

259. I vomited.

260. I'm sorry. Oh man, I'm so sorry.

261. - All right, listen. - That was so gross.

262. I can't work for you anymore, all right?

263. You gotta find someone else.

264. - Well, do you know any other assassins? - No.

265. Well, what do you want me to do? Go to John Wick Assassin Hotel

266. with help wanted sign? I mean what?

267. You got good guys right here, man.

268. Oh my God, my guys suck balls! You know it!

269. Especially this motherfucker right here!

270. If I suck balls, you are king of Suck Balls Mountain!

271. - Oh, shut the fuck up! - (Akhmal screams)

272. - Fuck you! - Shut up.

273. Look, what if, uh...

274. What if I train your guys?

275. They already have physical trainer. They have like three.

276. Not at a gym. I'm talking about—

277. I'm a Marine, all right?

278. I can teach them how to shoot, combat skills.

279. I don't have to kill anymore, debt paid.

280. You give me army?

281. You turn these pumpkins into Cinderellas overnight, huh?

282. Phew. We could take over Burmese mafia,

283. go back to fifty-fifty with Cristobal.

284. Or you could just take the whole thing for yourself.

285. Fifty-fifty with Cristobal. I like the sound of that.

286. Look, I need some gear from you, all right?

287. I'll send you a list of things I'm gonna need

288. if we're gonna do this, all right?

289. And we've gotta go out someplace far.

290. Like the desert or some— what are you doing?

291. Fifty-fifty...

292. Hank.

293. with Cristobal.

294. What are you doing?

295. Come on, get up!

296. We can't talk to each other on the phone.

297. Oh my God!

298. - That was intense. - Mm-hmm?

299. Yeah, I was just on the phone with my friend Kate

300. for like an hour rehashing some really difficult memories.

301. Wait, it was super helpful, though, to talk someone

302. who was actually there, you know,

303. just to get like a reality check.

304. That's great.

305. I feel like if I'm gonna tell this story, I just...

306. I have to do it a hundred percent honestly, you know?

307. And she basically remembers it exactly the same way I do.

308. - Good. - (sighs)

309. - Aw, you seem tense. - Yeah?

310. Yeah, don't worry. Look, it's just a bit of writer's block.

311. Okay? It happens to everybody.

312. Who can you talk to to help with your story?

313. Um...

314. What about the Marines that you brought to Natalie's party?

315. - They don't really talk anymore. - Oh.

316. Well, there has to be someone you can talk to

317. about what you went through.

318. You listen to me, Barry, you dumb fuck!

319. I want you to admit it, You killed Detective Janice Moss.

320. - No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.

321. No, I didn't, you little piece of shit.

322. - Is that necessary? - Just go. Just do it again.

323. Okay!

324. Barry, I know you killed Detective Janice Moss.

325. - How? - Because I was there.

326. - You were? - No.

327. Well, I think he would know that.

328. We don't know what he knows.

329. Why don't you just let me go talk to him, huh?

330. I built this guy's mind. You don't think I can tear it apart?

331. Just give me five minutes with him!

332. I'll have him shitting in my hand.

333. - What? Wha—? - Mm-hmm.

334. - You better make it work. - Or I'll go to jail.

335. - Yeah. Jail. - Okay. I hear you.

336. (laughs) What the fuck is this place?

337. This is a quinceañera store which I bought for my wife,

338. who then left me.

339. So she's not my wife anymore, is she?

340. Thanks for bringing that up.

341. This quinceañera stuff,

342. it's a really big deal for these young ladies.

343. Sort of like a female bar mitzvah.

344. All right, listen up, you clowns.

345. I'm just kidding. You guys look great.

346. So, we are super lucky today to begin exciting new project,

347. learning all styles of combat

348. from our very skilled special guest.

349. He's your teacher, but he's my best friend: Barry.

350. Before we get started, does anybody have any questions?

351. Is it true you are the most gifted assassin

352. in all of America?

353. No, I'm not the most gifted assassin in all of America.

354. He is being modest. He is Air Jordan of assassins.

355. We're all very excited to be learning from you.

356. Will we be shooting guns today?

357. Yeah...

358. Wait, how many of you guys speak English?

359. Okay, bounce.

360. Come on, bounce. Get out.

361. Go on, take a break. Walk.

362. Oh, man!

363. These guys are like a Seal Team Six, huh?

364. Maybe even like seven and a half!

365. Natural born killers, huh?

366. For reals though, how long until they become like actual army?

367. You know, like two, three hours?

368. Hank, I can't magically wave a wand

369. and make these guys an army. Their skill set sucks.

370. Well, you know what Sonny and Cher would say,

371. that's on you, babe.

372. So come on, let's kick up the training a notch.

373. What do you think?

374. Whoa.

375. Holy shit, Mayrbeck.

376. You're like regular Annie Oakley.

377. Nice!

378. Annie Oakley.

379. Hey, boss! Did you see?

380. - (phone buzzing) - Good job, man!

381. - (door chiming) - Sorry, we're closed.

382. So this is how you're earning a buck now, huh?

383. Selling sports bras? What the fuck happened to you?

384. Fuches, listen—

385. No, you listen to me, you ungrateful piece of shit. I—

386. I'm really glad you're here.

387. Really?

388. Korengal, man? You really wanna talk about

389. what happened in Korengal? Why?

390. Well, they wanted me to talk about my first confirmed,

391. and I want to do something more positive.

392. So I was gonna talk about when I saved Albert,

393. - but that story— - (sighs) That story gets fucked up really fast.

394. - Yeah. - That's literally the worst story you could tell.

395. I mean, after everything we did to make that go away,

396. you want to start fucking blab about that?

397. - Well, it has to be honest. That's why— - Honest?

398. - Yeah. - Are you kidding me?

399. You start telling the truth about Korengal

400. to those little acting buddies of yours,

401. and they are never gonna look at you the same way again.

402. Come on, man. You're in show business.

403. They don't want honest, they want entertainment.

404. I mean, Jesus, you think that the real guy

405. did that speech in Braveheart? No!

406. No, he went and got himself killed, you know?

407. But that's not a story, that's a situation.

408. So you gotta have him do the speech, you know,

409. so everybody can say, "Oh, he died for something."

410. Hey.

411. What's the matter with you, man? What?

412. Nothing. It's just, this is...

413. I—

414. I don't have this, you know?

415. Everyone in class, they have this.

416. It's like, Sally, she has a friend that, you know,

417. she told her story to, and, you know,

418. it was really helpful she said, because it was someone who was there.

419. Yeah.

420. Kind of someone who cared.

421. I don't know, I just can't talk about this shit with anybody—

422. Just shut up, man.

423. Just, you know...

424. I missed you, man.

425. I did. I know that sounds— We can talk about other shit.

426. (crying): I fucking miss you so much.

427. - Oh, okay. - Get in here.

428. You don't think I fucking missed you?

429. - You're my boy. I got you. - Yeah.

430. - I love you, man. - Thanks, Fuches.

431. - I really miss you, man. - I miss you, too, man.

432. Okay, so this is the true story

433. of the moment that changed my life.

434. We were on patrol in the Korengal Valley.

435. - (guns firing) - Albert had been shot in the face,

436. and I was giving him first aid.

437. And then something interesting happened.

438. Barry, we've gotta leave him! We've gotta go!

439. Go?

440. Go?

441. Listen to me.

442. Run and live, at least for a while.

443. And dying in your beds many years from now,

444. would you be willing to trade all the days,

445. from this day to that,

446. for one chance, just one chance,

447. - to come back here and tell our enemies... - (bagpipes playing)

448. that they may take our lives, but they will never take

449. - our freedom— - Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

450. - Yeah? - That's Braveheart.

451. - No, it's not. - That's definitely Braveheart.

452. I know this, 'cause I chased that movie for months.

453. - Huh? - I know I knew that from somewhere.

454. No. No, you don't.

455. - I said that in Afghanistan. - Dude, that was definitely Braveheart.

456. - That's like my favorite movie. - I said—

457. Where is the sheep-fucker story?

458. How do you go away from that?

459. I just I wanna do something inspirational and entertaining.

460. So you thought you would plagiarize Mel Gibson.

461. I'm Jewish! What the fuck, Barry?

462. You were in a war,

463. and you give us pitzy-caca.

464. You have got to get in touch with your inherent darkness.

465. - It's not inherent. - Trust me, that is exactly what it is,

466. and it is dark.

467. And you better funnel it into your work,

468. or there is the damn door.

469. Okay, you know what? I've got an idea.

470. - Sally— - Yes?

471. Have you settled on someone to play your ex?

472. - Yeah, uh, Nick's doing it. - (clearing throat) Yo.

473. Is that firm?

474. - Yes, yes. - I don't know.

475. Okay, Barry's gonna play your ex. Settled. Next.

476. Don't think I can play straight? I played straight for 22 damn years, okay?

477. All right, um...

478. Are you sure you're comfortable with this?

479. Oh my God, totally. Barry, you're nothing like Sam like at all.

480. If anything, I'm more comfortable with you doing it.

481. Hey, this is a really good stretch for you.

482. Try to access some rage, you know?

483. Okay?

484. - Where do you want me to start? - Oh, sorry. Top of two.

485. Why were you dancing with that guy?

486. Ken?

487. He's just a friend, Sam.

488. I don't care, I don't like it. It was embarrassing.

489. You look like a whore.

490. Can you try it again and just like really nail me with the word "whore"?

491. Really just come at me, you know?

492. Okay. (clears throat)

493. I don't care, I don't like it. It was embarrassing.

494. - You looked like a whore. - Sam...

495. - don't be an idiot. - Don't call me a fucking idiot.

496. - I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this. - Why?

497. - This says I choke her. It says I choke you. - Mm-hmm.

498. I don't know if I can do that. I don't think I can choke you.

499. Oh, that's really sweet, Barry,

500. but I've done like years of stage combat. It's fine.

501. You know what? That is so sweet,

502. but what you need to do if you're gonna be in the scene, is you need to act.

503. I need to see you acting.

504. Yeah, if you don't choke me,

505. then it doesn't make sense when I say,

506. "You wanna choke me, you coward? Well, choke on this.

507. I'm fucking leaving you!" So...

508. All right, action!

509. Sally (whispering): Okay. Hey, you can do it.

510. - Why were you dancing with that guy? - Ken?

511. He's just a friend, Sam.

512. I don't care, I don't like it. It was embarrassing.

513. - You look like a whore. - Sam...

514. - don't be an idiot. - Don't call me a fucking idiot!

515. Sam...

516. Don't be an idiot!

517. (whispering): Come on. Hey.

518. Come on. Hey, Barry, come on.

519. - Sally, I can't choke you. - No, just come on.

520. Come on!

521. Don't do that. Please, Sally.

522. It's just something I'm not capable of—

523. Come on, you baby.

524. Hey!

525. - Don't say that. - Come on!

526. What are you doing? Don't do that.

527. - Come on! Come on! - Look, Sally—

528. - Look, I know who you really are, okay? - Don't touch me!

529. - You pretend to be this nice guy, but deep down... - Stop it. Stop it!

530. - you're nothing but rotten and you like it. - What is wrong with you?

531. That's why you're never gonna change

532. and that's why I'm gonna fucking leave you!

533. - Why are you saying that stuff to me? - Come on! Come on!

534. - Stop saying that. - Fucking choke me!

535. Fucking do it, you fucking pussy!

536. - Fucking do it! Come on! - Barry, she's helping you.

537. - Come on! Choke me! - Stay in the scene with her. Let it out.

538. Fuck off!

539. Shit.

540. Hey, Barry, hey!

541. Hey. Hey! Barry, wait! I'm sorry. Look,

542. I took it too far, I know. I was trying to help you with the scene.

543. - I'm sorry, okay? - I don't know why everybody wants me to do this, okay?

544. - I don't want to hurt anybody! - I know!

545. I get it. You don't have to hurt me, it's just acting.

546. It's just part of the scene, okay? It was only to—

547. What?

548. Hey, Sally.

549. Hey, Sam.

550. You don't think all this Spy Game stuff is overkill?

551. No. Just get him here, get him talking,

552. and I'll do the rest.

553. You just hit me for the last time, Sam.

554. Hey, Sally said she didn't want you seeing that.

555. No you said you didn't want me to see it.

556. Sally, what's wrong?

557. How do I explain to people the beatings and apologies?

558. You don't have to.

559. Your story is that your father was abducted

560. and replaced by aliens?

561. That's what happened.

562. I'm having a little trouble with that.

563. It's the first time I ever felt a sense of purpose.