Bad Monkey 1x1

1. So, here's the thing about fishing stories...

2. they always start on a boat.

3. It was a thick, hot Florida day.

4. You wouldn't know it from all the expensive gear,

5. but James Mayberry had never fished before.

6. - Locked in? I'm good. Is it good? - Good? There you go.

7. - Yeah. Let's do it. - All right, here we go.

8. You know what they say, you always remember your first time.

9. Lou! Louisa! Honey, I still don't have that beer.

10. - Can we fix that, please? - Okay.

11. I said okay.

12. Gotta love a honeymoon charter. Warms the heart.

13. You're fun to talk to. You got a real spark.

14. Fish on! Game time, boys!

15. Christ.

16. - Will you give me some space, please? - Geez.

17. I got a fish. I'm getting it.

18. Get it up. There it is.

19. Yeah! Bring it in, baby.

20. - What the fuck! Shit! - Oh, my God!

21. - What is that? - That's not a fish.

22. - Oh, my God! - Captain, that's not a fish!

23. - Yeah, I see that. - Oh, my God!

24. - Yo, check out his finger, dude. - Sick!

25. What do you think, maybe a shark got him? I'm thinking Great White.

26. Seen my fair share of shark shows.

27. That's how it happens. One minute, you're kicking it. Next minute, boom!

28. Chewed to shit.

29. I gotta radio the Coast Guard.

30. You do that. I'm gonna text my friends. Muggo's gonna shit his pants.

31. We're in the memory-making business.

32. Oh, yeah.

33. Andrew Yancy's cell phone had been ringing all morning,

34. but he had chosen to ignore it. It was too nice a day.

35. He was a simple man, and as such, he enjoyed simple pleasures.

36. A good drink now and then. A chair with a view.

37. And most importantly, a place to call home.

38. He loved damn near all of it.

39. He didn't even mind the occasional uninvited visitor

40. that munched on his bushes.

41. This was his happy place.

42. Yancy, you ever answer your phone?

43. Easy, loud feet.

44. Look at this handsome guy over here.

45. Those things are covered in ticks.

46. Jesus.

47. You know, there's so much construction around nowadays

48. that the Key deer barely even come around.

49. Can you believe the size of that dump? I'm gonna burn it down.

50. Don't burn it down.

51. I'll make sure no one's inside, but it's gonna burn.

52. Okay. Burn it down. Sonny wants you to take a quick road trip to Miami.

53. The county code is 35 feet, and this shitheap here is 45 feet.

54. It's the Keys, bro. No one follows the building code.

55. Okay, you, Miami, a little police business.

56. - In and out. - I can't do it, Ro.

57. I'm technically not even a detective anymore.

58. Do we really have to do this dance?

59. Who's dancing? There's no dance.

60. I'm suspended. What— How am I dancing?

61. - No, it's the, like— The back-and-forth. - There's no back-and-forth.

62. My brother, you want your job back very badly, right?

63. - Yes. - Well, I've got something in my car

64. that the sheriff wants you to drive to Miami.

65. Look at me, I'm falling asleep.

66. - I'm so tired. - Yeah. I know you have your pride.

67. So, if you wanna pretend for a minute

68. that you don't wanna do this errand, that's fine.

69. But don't make me stand around here for fucking ever holding my dick.

70. People can't suspend me and then expect things from me.

71. - It's not how it works. - Whatever.

72. That's Barbancourt. Right?

73. Thankfully, yes.

74. But I unfortunately don't have a glass for you.

75. I'll take yours.

76. Before he got suspended, Yancy and Ro were partners,

77. and hell, sometimes that's even worse than being married.

78. Over the years, Ro had learned how to get exactly what he wanted from his friend.

79. All it took was a little patience.

80. So what's in the car?

81. That's all they found?

82. No, man, the head's in the passenger seat.

83. If you're too grouchy to answer the question,

84. just say, "I'm too grouchy to answer."

85. Don't have to hit me with the "head in the passenger seat."

86. It's already been over to the coroner. He says

87. the vic was a "white male, mid-40s."

88. Says that the middle finger thing was probably just "random rigor mortis."

89. He still took a picture with it.

90. Such a dipshit.

91. I'm late for Natalia's soccer game.

92. I would absolutely love to come,

93. except I would rather do literally anything

94. other than watch children play soccer. But I got it.

95. Hey, do me a favor.

96. No coaching from the sideline, not getting hot and yelling.

97. I know you're Puerto Rican, but do your best.

98. You sure you wanna leave it out there all night? Shit's evidence, man.

99. Who's gonna jack an arm?

100. I don't know, raccoons? They got those little fingers.

101. Here we go. We're taking it in.

102. - Thank you. - Yep. You got it.

103. Call me when you get to Miami.

104. I can't hear you. I'm already done talking with you.

105. Like I said, just like a married couple.

106. Love you.

107. Andrew, I can't have that arm here.

108. Negative publicity like this, not good for business.

109. - It'll hurt tourism. - That's horseshit, Sonny.

110. The sheriff was a local bubba named Sonny Summers.

111. He won office 'cause he was the only candidate not in federal custody.

112. First of all, that floating arm can't hurt tourism.

113. Nothing's gonna keep these fucking idiots out of the water.

114. That beach on the Rickenbacker Causeway is filled with raw sewage.

115. People are still out there every day just swimming in shit, Sonny.

116. Look, this is different, okay?

117. The clown who reeled in the damn thing already posted a pic on social media.

118. Goddamn it. I'm gonna nip this in the butt.

119. Bud, right? You nip things in the bud.

120. Maybe you do. I need that arm gone.

121. Sonny, the odds of that limb floating down here are pretty fucking slim.

122. The Gulf Stream flows north.

123. No, duh. I was born here.

124. What if Miami doesn't take the arm?

125. Persuade them.

126. Bottom line, tomorrow I'm announcing

127. that the investigation has been turned over to the authorities

128. of Miami-Dade County.

129. - Counting on you here. - Yeah, that doesn't seem smart.

130. Listen to me.

131. I'm only gonna go up there on one condition.

132. I am dying at home.

133. I need you to lift my suspension.

134. You're gonna have to talk to your girlfriend. Bonnie's your problem.

135. And she didn't think twice about telling the ADA

136. that you violently and deliberately assaulted her husband.

137. That's why I never, ever think with my dick.

138. Yeah. You're actually known for that. You do zero dick thinking.

139. Our love is like a streaking comet.

140. Those are her words. Not mine. Kind of pretty though.

141. It might have been from one of the books she gave me.

142. - Get the arm out of my town. - She gives me books.

143. Yancy didn't love driving to Miami.

144. A lot of bad memories up there.

145. On the other hand, it did feel good to be doing any kind of police work again.

146. It'd been a while.

147. Hey, how's it going?

148. It's going. May I help you?

149. My name is Andrew Yancy. I'm from the Keys.

150. And please help yourself to a Popsicle, but crabs are off-limits.

151. I'm gonna eat those later.

152. Okay.

153. That's a random rigor mortis.

154. I feel weird even saying it to you 'cause you would know that probably.

155. Got a lot of elbow room in here, must be nice for a workspace.

156. It's like an open floor plan.

157. Everyone wants this in their work now. More open, less close.

158. I don't mind morgues, especially in the summer.

159. Nice and cool.

160. Always around 60 degrees, you know?

161. I'm so sorry. I completely forgot to ask you what your feelings on morgues were.

162. Are you being mean or funny?

163. Mean funny. Now, please.

164. Totally.

165. I'm no shark expert.

166. Gonna have to bother a marine biologist for that one.

167. Okay, Dr. Rosa Campesino. I like your name.

168. I feel blessed.

169. So you brought this all the way from the Keys because...

170. My sheriff felt that this particular appendage

171. might belong to one of your victims and could hopefully stay here in Miami,

172. where random severed arms

173. are an everyday thing. So, pretty please?

174. Yeah, I've got the county's current inventory

175. - on body parts. - Okay?

176. And none of them match a black-haired, white male in his 40s.

177. Fucknuts.

178. Fucknuts, for real.

179. But did you notice his watch is missing?

180. You see this?

181. If someone took that, you know, that could make it a homicide.

182. Yeah, well, my sheriff is not gonna love the word homicide.

183. How about this? Maybe the shark that mangled the poor fucker

184. also likes to eat watches.

185. I mean, if someone took the watch, why would they not swipe the wedding ring too?

186. That looks like it's platinum.

187. Look at you making a good point.

188. That's not the first time. Ask around.

189. You know what, that humerus is hacked up pretty bad.

190. Now we're talking. Maybe the guy went out fishing by himself.

191. He's a lonely gentleman. And then he backed into the boat's propeller.

192. - That's how my grandfather died. - No, he didn't.

193. Yeah, he's still alive. But you know, could've happened.

194. Yeah, maybe.

195. It does look a little like a propeller wound.

196. Definitely propeller-like, if not all the way, it's a propeller.

197. - You're good. - Still doesn't make it my problem.

198. You're killing me, Rosa.

199. Please don't say what I think you're about to say.

200. Sorry, not my case.

201. Making jokes with the dead is very, very bad luck.

202. Mango. All right.

203. You're not a complete dummy after all.

204. Yeah. Yeah, mango's the best.

205. You should take this back to the Keys. You know, just wait around,

206. see if someone shows up looking for a missing husband.

207. What if nobody shows up?

208. Rosa, it's a cold business when true love goes south.

209. - True that. - Love everything about you

210. and this place, other than the fact that you didn't take the arm.

211. Bye.

212. Well, surprise, surprise.

213. They didn't take the fucking arm. So now what do you want me to do?

214. The ball. Natalia! Get the ball!

215. Hey, hey, don't yell at her!

216. Put an "I love you" on top of that.

217. With the same energy you were taking her head off with, Bobby Knight.

218. - I love you! - It's better, much better.

219. What do you want me to do with this fucking thing?

220. The cooler's starting to smell like old onions and not a good s— onion. A bad—

221. The whole car smells like death.

222. Just lose it somewhere.

223. I have no idea what brand of cooler this is,

224. but they better not claim they keep smells in because they absolutely don't.

225. Okay, listen to me.

226. You got me driving around with a cooler that doesn't live up to its promises.

227. Jesus Christ. Focus.

228. Take 905 back through North Key Largo.

229. There are canals back there loaded with hungry crocs.

230. I don't know. I'll think about it, Ro.

231. I really wish you wouldn't. When has thinking ever worked out for you?

232. Why are you so okay throwing an arm out?

233. You're acting like it's your mother-in-law's arm,

234. but what if it was your mom's arm?

235. Come on, man.

236. No one's coming for that, and Sonny wants it gone.

237. It's not a big deal.

238. But, what if this wasn't an accident? It doesn't feel right.

239. I'm begging you for once, do what's right for you.

240. Ditch the fucking arm and come home.

241. Yancy knew that to get his job back

242. all he had to do was stay out of trouble,

243. unfortunately, trouble always seemed to come looking for him.

244. That smells great.

245. I'll open the wine.

246. Hey, you're still testifying against me, right?

247. Okay.

248. I got you something.

249. Oh, good, a book.

250. Why does this keep happening?

251. - You'll love it. - Yeah.

252. It's like it's about you.

253. It looks long. I'm not that complicated.

254. 2009, Bordeaux, I should have decanted it for a bit.

255. Sip it.

256. Sorry.

257. So, where is the good doctor?

258. - Cliff's in Lauderdale. - Uh-huh.

259. He's got a meeting tomorrow with our bankers.

260. Must be nice to have bankers.

261. Don't be pedestrian, Andrew.

262. Tell me again why he isn't divorcing you.

263. Cliff adores me.

264. - Even after he caught us together? - Uh-huh.

265. - Really? - Yes.

266. I'm easy to forgive, Andrew.

267. You know, I think Sonny would...

268. - Oh, my— - ... lift my suspension

269. if you could get Cliff to drop the charges.

270. That's why you invited me over tonight.

271. That's a false statement.

272. I invited you here every night this week.

273. It's true. I'm sorry.

274. I guess I didn't call you back 'cause I just feel like whatever this is

275. has reached its natural end.

276. A trial would be embarrassing for everyone.

277. Especially your husband, the alleged victim.

278. Alleged?

279. Andrew! Are you serious?

280. The fuck?

281. I mean, I wasn't the only witness.

282. Everyone heard him screaming,

283. "Stop, stop, stop!"

284. Well, I mean, he did call you a whore prior to that.

285. I was cheating on him!

286. And he slapped you.

287. Hard.

288. Really is a good year.

289. Well, I suppose I should go.

290. You really should decant that.

291. We finished the good stuff.

292. This is from a box in the garage.

293. You know, the detective in me really gets why Cliff wouldn't leave you.

294. I mean, he's 60. Not necessarily a head-turner.

295. You could stop traffic. You're barely 40.

296. Forty-two and you know it, but thank you.

297. But why wouldn't you leave him?

298. He's a piece of shit, pill-pushing dermatologist.

299. You'd get plenty in the split.

300. Does he have something on you?

301. No more than I do on him.

302. You should see his internet history. He's a total perv.

303. You ever get choked while pleasuring yourself?

304. One time. But it was not on purpose.

305. I was wearing a tie and then I kind of tripped.

306. Okay. You win, Andrew.

307. I'll talk to Cliff again tomorrow.

308. Thank you.

309. I really like being a detective and...

310. you know, I don't like a lot of things so...

311. Yeah.

312. I need some ice in my wine. You?

313. I'm good.

314. Andrew! God, no!

315. - Whose is that? - Oh, fuck. Bonnie!

316. It's not what you think it is.

317. Well, it's exactly what you think it is, but it's— Good explanation.

318. Hey, hold on!

319. - Bonnie! - Christ! What did you do?

320. I didn't do anything! You're overreacting!

321. Before I go any further here,

322. I gotta tell you a little story about a young man over in the Bahamas.

323. Now, I know it's annoying to leave this story just when it's getting fun,

324. but I promise it'll make sense eventually.

325. Just be patient.

326. It's hard to imagine someone living a simpler life than Andrew Yancy,

327. but Neville Stafford sure as hell did.

328. His days were filled with fishing, eating those fish, and not much else.

329. Heck, as long as Neville had his little shack in paradise,

330. he was good to go.

331. It was his happy place too.

332. And it shouldn't be lost on you that, just like Yancy,

333. Neville considered all the nature around him to be close, personal friends.

334. Hey, little man.

335. Mr. Stafford.

336. Mr. Stafford.

337. Neville. What do you want?

338. Can we talk a bit?

339. Luckily, Neville had a buddy inside for backup.

340. Their partnership was also like a marriage.

341. No! Bad monkey. Bad.

342. Jesus, boy.

343. Where did you get that ugly thing?

344. Speak kindly or Driggs will fuck you up.

345. I won him in a game of dominoes against an old man in Fresh Creek.

346. He owed me money. So he told me...

347. "Driggs is one of the trained monkeys

348. from the very last Johnny Depp pirate movie they made out here."

349. He said I could literally teach him to do anything I wanted.

350. Driggs, up.

351. Up. Up, up, up!

352. That old man was full of shit.

353. Now, what do you mean, I have to leave my home?

354. We sent notices.

355. I've been fishing.

356. - For a month? - I like fishing.

357. They're putting up a resort here.

358. An American gentleman by the name of Christopher.

359. He's been buying up all the land.

360. Discussion over. I'm not selling.

361. But it's not up to you.

362. Your half-sister, Samara, in Florida,

363. she's the official trustee, and she's sold already.

364. How can she do this?

365. Easy now. She got to split the money with you.

366. The whole resort's going to be top shelf.

367. Going to have a tiki bar, freshwater pools over there,

368. clay tennis courts, a spa.

369. They're gonna call it Curly Tail Lane.

370. Green Beach is what my father always called this place.

371. Maybe once upon a time.

372. He was afraid to tell the government man what he really thought.

373. Can I get another beer?

374. He got over it.

375. Get the fuck off my land.

376. Neville wasn't the only one feeling like the world was out to get him.

377. For the tenth time, Bonnie, I didn't chop anyone up.

378. Call me back.

379. Luckily for Yancy, he had someone to take it out on.

380. What do you mean your clients can't find the house?

381. I just told you the big yellow one.

382. Hey, excuse me.

383. There's a dead raccoon in my house.

384. This was not news to Yancy.

385. Not good. How'd it get there?

386. I don't know.

387. The damn thing looks like it got pancaked by a truck or something.

388. - In your house? - Yeah.

389. I'm Evan Shook.

390. - Big dog. - Okay.

391. So look, I called animal control, but I got people coming over any minute.

392. They flew in from Dallas. I could really use a hand, bro.

393. Okay, here's the thing— Evan Shook, is it?

394. - Uh-huh. - I wanna help you, I do.

395. But it is really bad luck to disturb a dead animal, and I can't afford that.

396. Bad luck? What are you talking, voodoo or some shit?

397. No, it's like an instant curse. You can borrow my shovel.

398. No! Dude, it reeks to high hell.

399. I'm sure it does. I mean, dead things usually smell pretty bad.

400. Shit.

401. - Hey, peace, bro. - Yeah.

402. Yancy felt that warm glow he always got when he made an enemy for life.

403. Christina, how are you?

404. What the hell's going on over there?

405. Dead-raccoon situation.

406. Cool. You got any food?

407. The reason I came, Sonny sent me.

408. What'd you ever do with that arm?

409. Well, you told me to toss it in the canal, so I tossed it.

410. - I still got it. - That's what I figured.

411. Wow, you truly never listen to me.

412. Good news, though, because a woman came in to report her husband missing

413. - from a boating accident. - Well, that took long enough.

414. She was in Europe.

415. Old man was heading to the Bahamas on a fishing trip.

416. Here's the kicker, she wants the fucking arm, man.

417. - S— - Wow.

418. She wants to do a church service, the whole show.

419. - She needs the arm back to bury it. - Yeah, that's gonna be a tiny casket.

420. They'll probably have a regular-size casket.

421. That's a big waste of wood.

422. You know, I should be getting major brownie points for this from Sonny.

423. Could you imagine how ugly the press would be if you lost a dead guy's arm?

424. Jesus, man.

425. All right, Sonny's gonna tell the widow

426. that you're the authorized custodian of the unclaimed remains or some shit.

427. Her name's Eve, as in Christmas.

428. Stripling as in stripper.

429. - I'm listening. - All right, here's her number.

430. Meet her, give her the arm, then get the hell out of Dodge.

431. - No talking, no questions. - Why do you feel like you gotta warn me?

432. You really wanna have this conversation?

433. Yeah, I was hoping to. That's why I said what I said. Sometimes it's fun to talk.

434. Just behave, man. She just lost her husband.

435. I'm sorry for your loss, Mrs. Stripling.

436. Thank you. Yeah, it's awful. It's just awful.

437. So, where do you want to meet up?

438. There's a shopping center about halfway between us.

439. It'll be easy to find me. I'll be wearing a blue hat.

440. Hi.

441. Hey.

442. - Are you Detective Yancy? - And you must be Mrs. Stripling.

443. Eve's fine.

444. - Hi. - Hi.

445. This kind of feels like a drug deal.

446. I guess I should take a look, right?

447. Well, that's how they found it. You know, just random rigor mortis.

448. It's— It is weird, I know.

449. It's u— very unique, but it's—

450. I don't know, but it's uncomfortable.

451. - It's really uncomfortable. - Yeah.

452. It's his ring. It's definitely him. This sucks.

453. Fuck!

454. You doing all right?

455. I just feel like this isn't even real. I'm like in a Winn-Dixie, like...

456. looking at my husband's arm, I just—

457. - I'm gonna take it. - No, no, I got this.

458. - Thanks. - So, they ever find Nick's boat?

459. No. They just found some cushions and spare gas cans.

460. There was a fuel slick, like five miles off the coast of Sombrero Lighthouse.

461. Anybody else on board?

462. Just my Nicky.

463. He was on his way up to Cay Sal to meet up with some friends.

464. Yancy knew with all of his heart that the smart move was to say goodbye

465. to Eve Stripling and the arm that smelled like onions and never look back.

466. Let's sit in the car.

467. - I— No, I'm so sorry. I— - Just a few questions, all routine.

468. I actually have to go.

469. When did you learn Nick was missing?

470. I was in Paris.

471. Yeah, it was a birthday present from Nick.

472. So were these.

473. - Fancy. - Thanks.

474. - They were like ten grand. - Why are we whispering?

475. I don't know.

476. Anyway, I hadn't heard from him, but like that's super normal.

477. When he's on the islands I never hear from him

478. because the cell service out there is suck-o.

479. He was supposed to come home the Sunday after I did.

480. And when he didn't show, at first I was like, "Oh, this—

481. The fishing must be super great." I didn't really—

482. Why are you not writing any of this?

483. I'll remember it.

484. You'd make a really great waiter.

485. I actually get that a lot. Although in practice, terrible waiter.

486. Yeah, they fired me. They said I was too gregarious.

487. I talked too much to the clients.

488. Anyway, like I said, this is just routine.

489. So, Wednesday comes and still no Nick.

490. And then that's when the Coast Guard told me

491. what they found.

492. Oh, my God, he loved that damn fishing boat.

493. He named it Summer's Eve, after me.

494. You know that's also the name of—

495. You know what? Forget it. It's a lovely gesture.

496. Are we done?

497. Almost. Did you have any children?

498. No, we didn't. I mean, he has his daughter and she's totally...

499. so lovely.

500. And she's actually coming down for the service on Saturday.

501. It still just

502. doesn't seem real.

503. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

504. Thank you.

505. You should've seen it. She had her mouth all scrunched up,

506. and she was panting a little, but there was no noise.

507. So what?

508. I'm telling you, she was trying very, very hard to cry.

509. Okay, so you're saying that you saw the expression on her face

510. through the car window as the car was driving by.

511. I know what I saw, Rosa. I'm sure of it.

512. You know, also I guess I could be wrong 'cause it was hard to see.

513. But get this, she said this afternoon she's popping over to the Bahamas

514. for a few days, just to be sad.

515. So? You don't know how people grieve.

516. Come on, Tilly. Come on, you silly girl.

517. I know that they don't usually do it on beaches.

518. Hi!

519. Gorgeous day in paradise!

520. Come on, sweetie pie.

521. Fine. You know everything about everything.

522. What is with all the storm clouds? You look angry at the world.

523. Well, spent my entire morning autopsying a 15-year-old girl

524. who got shot yesterday at her own quinceañera by her mom's boyfriend, so...

525. Now I feel like a asshole— I'm sorry, Rosa, that's tough.

526. That is a— That's a challenging day.

527. Yeah.

528. So, what? You wanna know what the state has on Nick Stripling?

529. Yeah.

530. Why did you drive all the way up here to see me again?

531. I mean, why not check the state files at your station?

532. I didn't come all the way up here just to see you again.

533. I was halfway when I met the widow.

534. Then I just came into town to have dinner with a friend, Tommy Biscayne.

535. And it's not a great time for me to be at my station fishing around.

536. The last part was true, the rest of it's not.

537. I don't know anyone named Tommy Biscayne.

538. There you go.

539. When he was 24 years old, he had a minor role in an insurance scam.

540. Crashed cars into drivers and submitted phony claims.

541. Yeah, whiplash is easy to fake. You just get a sketchy doctor to go along.

542. But young Nicky's take would've been pretty slim.

543. So what?

544. I'm just trying to understand how he had enough money to buy tacky diamond earrings

545. - and boats. - And missing watches.

546. Yeah.

547. God, I gotta know what happened to this clown.

548. You know I checked up on you.

549. Used to be homicide. Miami.

550. Guilty as charged.

551. - So, what happened? - It's a story for another time.

552. It's fine. I like working in the Keys when I'm working.

553. I'm actually currently suspended.

554. That's a story for another time, after the previous story for another time.

555. Right now, I'm just pretty much focused on, you know, moving down the ladder

556. just as quickly as possible.

557. - Thanks for cheering me up. - Yeah.

558. Another time could be now, if you're hungry? Wanna grab lunch?

559. I'm seeing someone.

560. Cool. That's great news.

561. I was more talking like just if you were interested in

562. why I got demoted so many times,

563. but— Is he a big guy?

564. Sniper. For the SWAT.

565. Yes, well, size doesn't really matter if you're shooting people.

566. It's just the darkness you have to live with— Thank you, Dr. Campesino.

567. I am very grateful. Nice touch.

568. Up until now, Neville had lived a fairly stress-free life.

569. Driggs would never admit it, but he was pretty damned happy too.

570. Still, the thought of losing his house was more than a wake-up call.

571. It was like a lit firecracker up his butt.

572. And let's face it, even with an easygoing guy like Neville,

573. you can only push a man so far before he decides to fight back.

574. Brother. What the fuck are you doing?

575. Peeing in a gas tank.

576. Sorry, Willy, didn't know you were driving this one.

577. Never mind to me, I get paid the same. After we done here,

578. we're supposed to work our way down the beach and take down your house.

579. I figured.

580. You want help?

581. Yeah.

582. What the fuck?

583. Oh, Yancy, why aren't you answering the goddamn phone?

584. Look, just come by the station when you're back.

585. Yancy spent the rest of the drive

586. convincing himself that this was good news.

587. Why does Sonny wanna talk to me? What'd I do?

588. - You know what you did. - No, I don't.

589. Sonny checked in with Mrs. Stripling,

590. and she bitched about you asking all sorts of questions.

591. That. Yeah. Now it's starting to come back to me.

592. And then the assistant coroner in Miami called.

593. Said you went back there sniffing around about a potential homicide.

594. Rosa told on me? Oh, man, I liked her.

595. Now, Sonny's all pissed, like seriously pissed.

596. Oh, come on, Ro, I'm already suspended. How bad could it be?

597. I can't have you running roughshod all over the motherfucking place!

598. You understand me, boy?

599. I guess the good news was that Yancy wasn't suspended anymore.

600. He was fired.

601. They didn't let him keep anything, certainly not his dignity.

602. Hell, he was lucky he had a ride home.

603. So you do check your messages?

604. I talked to Cliff.

605. Guess we turned the page on me being a potential serial killer.

606. Gonna miss that.

607. You know, he is just such a stubborn, old, limp dick.

608. Look, he just wants to see you punished.

609. Can't you just say you don't want a trial

610. and you'll accept whatever consequences he sees fit?

611. Just say whatever he decides?

612. I don't have the best legal mind, but that seems like giving him a lot of leverage.

613. Andrew.

614. This isn't how problems get solved. Take your time. I'll be with you in five.

615. Coming now.

616. You know, I can't have a trial, Andrew.

617. If certain things came out, it would ruin my life.

618. For fuck's sake.

619. What does Cliff have on you?

620. What did you do?

621. You love to be the hero, so here you go.

622. Take the bullet for me.

623. Like Frederic in Farewell to Arms.

624. You actually read one of the books I gave you?

625. My TV was broken.

626. Andrew, this moment?

627. This is the most I'd ever wished you knew my real name.

628. Babe, for future reference, I already find women so confusing.

629. You don't have to bother with fake names.

630. - God. - And then,

631. for the thousandth time,

632. Yancy said goodbye forever to his future former girlfriend.

633. Wow, you guys are quite the team!

634. Raccoon on a shovel, you know I could've done that.

635. You're going to have to split the tip both ways.

636. I'm just kidding. I'm not tipping anything.

637. Man, I can still smell that dead raccoon

638. or maybe it's just the odor from the way the house looks.

639. Hey, any idea why they're making me swap out

640. all my outdoor lights for these red ones?

641. Yeah, the baby turtles.

642. Who gives a fuck about baby turtles?

643. You know, I think mom and dad turtles do and also me.

644. Hey, what's with the pimp suit? You got a hot date?

645. Going to a funeral. Should be a lot of fun.

646. Seeing as he lost his badge a couple hours ago,

647. Yancy knew the last place he should be was Nick Stripling's funeral snooping around.

648. And yet, there he was.

649. The cemetery...

650. Hi, sweetie.

651. You know it's a funeral, right? Because I can see your vagina.

652. Fuck off.

653. - Hi, Simon. - Hey.

654. - I like your hat. - Thank you.

655. Thank you, Father.

656. If you could keep it kind of tight, just don't ramble too much, okay?

657. God bless you, Father.

658. Let us pray.

659. The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.

660. Thank you, Denise.

661. - Aw, of course. - Thank you. Thank you.

662. - This was wonderful. - Tell Chad bye.

663. You gentlemen look like you're barely holding it together.

664. - Friends of the deceased? - Thanks so much for coming. Yeah.

665. You guys are definitely feds.

666. Why are you so interested in the Striplings?

667. Don't be an asshole.

668. That's bad luck to swear at a cemetery, guy.

669. Or is it to blow each other at the cemetery?

670. I keep forgetting which one.

671. Really? No banter? I thought we were gonna banter.

672. Take your ball and go home? Okay.

673. He'll see the light.

674. So don't cry for him, 'cause he's in the trees. He's in the air.

675. I'm sorry for your loss.

676. Were you a friend of my dad's?

677. I'm Detective Yancy, I'm— I mean, I was, I—

678. I was in charge of your father's remains,

679. and I just wanted to be available in case any of the family had any questions.

680. Great hat, by the way.

681. Out of respect,

682. Caitlin had vowed to stay until they put her dad in the ground.

683. What the fuck?

684. Well, they can't shovel the dirt on until all the mourners leave.

685. I actually don't know if that's true. I just made that up.

686. Let's go, Simon.

687. Look at that, I was right. What do you know.

688. I actually do have a question.

689. We peeked at the funeral home and dad's arm,

690. - it just— - It's just random rigor mortis.

691. - What are you talking about? - Right, they probably fixed that.

692. She means the wedding ring. Tell him, sweetheart.

693. Eve switched it out. It was platinum, now it's 14-karat yellow gold.

694. Maybe, I don't know. But, is that legal? Stealing his ring?

695. Well, as his wife, she's entitled.

696. But if you're upset about it, why not just talk to Eve about it?

697. She hates me and I hate her. She's a fucking skank.

698. Sweetheart, please.

699. Simon, go to the car. Go to the car.

700. Wow, impressive.

701. Are you still on the case or what, dude?

702. Well, there is no case unless some new information turns up.

703. There's not much else to be done.

704. Eve killed my dad.

705. She 100% murdered my father.

706. What makes you think so? Did he say something? Was he unhappy?

707. How the fuck would I know if he was happy?

708. I haven't talked to that asshole in over a year.

709. Neville wasn't sure what he was supposed to do either,

710. but he knew one thing that always helped.

711. Here you go, boss man. Drink up.

712. Neville!

713. Why you don't come to the bar last night, boy?

714. I was over at Tanny's house.

715. She thinks I'm rich now, so that's nice.

716. Very nice.

717. All right, drinks on me

718. if you fellas can help me figure out how to keep them from taking my home.

719. - You got any ideas? - I got one.

720. - Besides peeing in gas tanks. - Then, no.

721. Come on now, think.

722. Maybe for now we just drink on it.

723. - Yeah. - Ay.

724. Ay.

725. Hey.

726. Spent all my money on drinks for you fools.

727. You still give me no ideas.

728. Yeah, we are bad investments.

729. Do you believe in Obeah?

730. Obeah. What are you talking about, that voodoo shit? Come on now.

731. No different than paying a psychic to tell you what's what.

732. Hell, no sillier than them tall tales them tell you in the Bible.

733. Watch your mouth.

734. Me just saying, maybe one day you go visit the Dragon Queen.

735. Since they were kids,

736. Neville and his friends had heard terrifying stories

737. about the Dragon Queen and all her magical powers.

738. It's here she live.

739. Her family have been on this island for years.

740. - I don't know. - You're scared of her.

741. - No. - I'm scared of her.

742. As you should be, boy. That scary witch is a man-eater.

743. Story says her last three boyfriends, all young and healthy...

744. they're all dead.

745. Not funny!

746. It should be pretty clear by now,

747. Yancy was not great at letting things go.

748. - All right. What do I owe ya? - For a fucked up job like this?

749. - 300. - I could probably swing 250.

750. All right, 250.

751. But when the guy freaks and wants it removed, make sure he calls me.

752. Miguel, who else is he gonna call? You got a terrific Yelp score.

753. You're the top beekeeper from here all the way to the Redlands.

754. - Yeah. - Now, when the owner does call,

755. maybe you can't get over here right away.

756. All right, it's gonna cost you an extra 20.

757. You gotta stop with the negotiating. We're done.

758. I'll throw in the rest of this joint.

759. Excellent weed, officer. It's called Trainwreck.

760. - It's called what? - Trainwreck.

761. Deal. Gimme a ride to town, I'll buy you dinner?

762. - And drinks? - Miguel. We're done.

763. Fucknuts.

764. I felt bad about laughing, so I apologized the way men should.

765. - There you go. - Thank you.

766. You know what kind of shark lost these?

767. Bonnethead.

768. Or baby lemon, maybe.

769. Yeah, that's what I thought too.

770. Where'd you get 'em?

771. They were pulled out of that arm that you snagged

772. and, well, bonnetheads hang out in the shallows.

773. And victim's boat supposedly sank in deep water.

774. Plus, I've never seen a bonnethead that can twist a man's arm off.

775. No. It's not possible.

776. So our bigger problem, Andrew, is that was my last beer.

777. You wanna walk me up to the Half Shell?

778. Yeah. Will you order me one? I'm gonna be with you shortly.

779. Yeah. Have fun.

780. I'm okay, I'll get it myself. Thanks so much.

781. Your father built this place, yeah?

782. As a fishing shack.

783. I moved in when he passed.

784. Can't imagine it being gone.

785. Then go talk to the Dragon Queen.

786. You really believe in that stuff?

787. Maybe.

788. My mother sure did.

789. My mom surely did not.

790. Besides, Obeah is illegal here anyway.

791. So is smoking weed. And that not seem to bother you at all.

792. Look,

793. if you don't try everything, you gonna regret it.

794. Okay.

795. Just don't cross her.

796. They say she can bewitch the strongest of men.

797. So you'll probably be fine, man.

798. If I end up dead,

799. - my ghost is coming for you. - Good, man. I get lonely.

800. Hey, she pricey, so bring money. Got to be wrapped in brown paper.

801. And a bottle of booze as an offering.

802. And you're gonna need a piece of the developer man clothing.

803. Apparently, the Dragon Queen needed

804. something that had actually touched the developer's skin

805. in order to make a really good curse.

806. And whether or not Neville believed

807. in any of that crap,

808. he thought he might as well cover his bases.

809. Good monkey.

810. That night, Driggs got all the grapes he wanted and a cold beer.

811. He had earned it.

812. So, grab your sunscreen and your shades 'cause tomorrow is all sunny skies.

813. I'm Heather with the Weather, and that's the weather.

814. She's been getting it wrong for years.

815. Still a smokeshow.

816. Hell yeah.

817. These are from the gentleman over there.

818. Who's your buddy?

819. That's Phinney, used to mate for me.

820. In fact, he is the one who actually pulled the arm out of the water.

821. Did he now?

822. Yep.

823. So a few days ago,

824. I gave him some grief for not hosing off the tackle, and he quit.

825. He said he did not need my bullshit anymore.

826. Now he's sending you beers and oysters?

827. Hey, he's just showing off. Said he came into some serious dough.

828. - How? - Fuck if I know.

829. Guys, I am so sorry to interrupt you two,

830. but I have been scouring this place looking for the Pussy Magnet.

831. Have either of you seen him?

832. - Here I am. - Yeah.

833. You know, it's a great necklace 'cause it says who you are immediately.

834. - Yeah, that's what I said. - Right?

835. - Yeah. - What do you want?

836. Just to say thank you for the beers.

837. Well, they were for him, and you were just there, so...

838. Hey, I heard you were on the boat for that whole weird arm thing.

839. I've never heard of anything like that.

840. Yeah, well, it happened.

841. I have a question and tell me if it's none of my business.

842. How does an unemployed half-wit like you get the bank to buy bling and oysters?

843. Are you a cop?

844. I'm sorry, I didn't think he was gonna leave.

845. Probably can't leave him out there by himself

846. 'cause all the girls are gonna swarm him.

847. Are you done with these fries? I'm gonna go see what the Magnet's up to.

848. The fuck you want?

849. Fucknuts.

850. On any other day, if you had asked Neville

851. whether he believed in the Dragon Queen and all her powers,

852. he'd have laughed and said no.

853. It open.

854. But being there in person...

855. it just felt a little different.

856. One of y'all need to talk.

857. I need some Obeah.

858. A curse.

859. Not sure how it works.

860. Sit down then.

861. Ya-Ya...

862. leave us please.

863. I gotta work.

864. Anytime you're ready, Ya-Ya.

865. I make the tea.

866. So talk.

867. Who this devil is you wanna get rid of?

868. He's a developer, goes by the name Christopher.

869. My friend Willy tells me he's supposed to be flying back here tonight.

870. Then time is of the essence.

871. - You bring money? - Yeah.

872. This is also for you.

873. Someone set you straight.

874. You got anything belonging to this man?

875. He ain't Bahamian.

876. That's true. He from the States.

877. Then the magic gotta be extra strong.

878. You know...

879. if I go and do this thing for you...

880. he might go and die.

881. Whatever God's will.

882. Look at you.

883. Jumping in with both feet.

884. All right then.

885. Maybe next time you visit,

886. you stay a bit and keep me company.

887. Just you though, no monkey.

888. Maybe we can have a couple rums together, you and me.

889. But not tonight.

890. What you doing? Go!

891. Okay.

892. For some reason, all Madeline could think about was how

893. Phinney had let her choose the restaurant tonight.

894. You all right?

895. No, man.

896. You know, I always wondered what's up with these red street lights everywhere.

897. They're for the baby turtles.

898. When they hatch they can mistake the white lights for the moon and go the wrong way.

899. Jesus Christ, you think he's gonna be okay?

900. Unfortunately, I think it's just for show.

901. I'm really sorry.

902. I know it probably feels like we're coming to the end of this story,

903. but it's really just the beginning.

904. But you never answered. Are you a cop?

905. I'm on sabbatical.

906. You're gonna have to answer a lot of questions.

907. Hopefully, you can keep me out of it as much as possible.

908. But afterwards,

909. maybe you and I can talk and try to figure out who killed your boyfriend.

910. Remember how annoying it was when I stopped telling Yancy's story

911. and kept jumping over to Neville's, and I told you to be patient?

912. No. Bad monkey. Bad monkey.

913. I've been telling stories to dumb tourists for years.

914. I'm not calling you dumb, but I knew exactly what I was doing.

915. Because as Neville watched that developer, Christopher, wade into shore,

916. I'm hoping it's finally pretty clear.

917. I wasn't telling two stories.

918. I was telling one.