1. It always amazed me
how Martha managed to surpass herselfCopy !req
2. with new and twisted ways
of getting to me.Copy !req
3. But involving my parents,Copy !req
4. telling them I'd been injured
in a car crash, that was next level.Copy !req
5. I expected a lot
when I walked up to the house that day.Copy !req
6. A lot of panic. Crying, maybe.
A hell of a lot of explaining.Copy !req
7. What I didn't expect, though,Copy !req
8. was finding my dad on the phone to her
when I walked in.Copy !req
9. I've told you, you bitch,
you call me again,Copy !req
10. I'll come to London and cut your legs off.Copy !req
11. Yeah, you heard. Your legs.Copy !req
12. You will, will ya?Copy !req
13. That's gonna be pretty fucking hard to do
with no legs, let me tell you.Copy !req
14. How did she get his mobile?Copy !req
15. The receptionist at work gave it to her.
Said she was a client.Copy !req
16. You know she spent yesterday
phoning round his colleagues,Copy !req
17. calling him a pedo, telling them
he fiddled her when she was a child.Copy !req
18. Christ.Copy !req
19. Says the fucking mad bitch
pretending to be a fucking lawyer!Copy !req
20. HR pulled him up on it too.Copy !req
21. - Jesus. How did he respond to that?
You know what your dad's like.Copy !req
22. He doubled down on it. Told them
he had a load of kids in a van outside.Copy !req
23. Of course he did.Copy !req
24. You call me again,
I'll make sure you breathe your last,Copy !req
25. you fucking cow of a cunt!Copy !req
26. Well, that's sorted. Great work, Dad.
I shouldn't have bothered coming up.Copy !req
27. Who is she, bear?Copy !req
28. Uh, she's this woman.Copy !req
29. She came into the pub,
and she's been pestering me for some time.Copy !req
30. Oh my God. Have you quit?Copy !req
31. No, because that would mean she wins.Copy !req
32. It's not about winning, Donny.
It's about your safety. Quit!Copy !req
33. We will sub you until you find a new job,
won't we, Gerry?Copy !req
34. I think the boy's right.
It is about winning.Copy !req
35. Oh, for goodness' sake.Copy !req
36. Look, look, it's fine. Okay?Copy !req
37. The police are aware of the situation,
so give 'em a call, get 'em down here.Copy !req
38. It'll be over soon, all right? I promise.Copy !req
39. It's all right. I'll get it.Copy !req
40. Is that you, reindeer?Copy !req
41. Here's your cup of tea.Copy !req
42. Thank you.Copy !req
43. Hm, now, I, um...
I understand this is a harassment case.Copy !req
44. That's right.Copy !req
45. And who is
the person in question?Copy !req
46. She's a fucking bitch, that's who.Copy !req
47. Tell you what, Gerry,
why don't you let us handle this?Copy !req
48. Uh, we'll call you if we need you.Copy !req
49. Uh, um...Copy !req
50. Well, she's this woman, and she's been,
like, stalking me for a while.Copy !req
51. I have this harassment warning
out against her,Copy !req
52. so I assume
now that she's contacted my parents,Copy !req
53. she's broken it, right?Copy !req
54. Technically, she's not harassing you.
She's harassing your parents.Copy !req
55. You're kidding me?Copy !req
56. If you want a quick resolution,Copy !req
57. your parents would be best off
making a separate allegation up here.Copy !req
58. But that's ridiculous.Copy !req
59. I know it can feel convoluted,Copy !req
60. but, um, you know, we will do
our very best to deal with the situationCopy !req
61. as, um, as effectively as possible.Copy !req
62. Sorry, this pen's not working.Copy !req
63. Oh, look. Sorry, there it is.Copy !req
64. One of those twisty ones.Copy !req
65. Shall we begin?Copy !req
66. I spent a week in Scotland,
waiting for the police to take action,Copy !req
67. watching on as Martha kept calling.Copy !req
68. Fucking come back for more, have you?Copy !req
69. Aye, you would say that,
you fucking imbecile.Copy !req
70. Seeing the toll it was taking
on my parents.Copy !req
71. My dad's croaky voice from shouting.Copy !req
72. Could you pour me some orange juice?Copy !req
73. My mum forcing this sentiment
onto everything I did.Copy !req
74. You're a good boy.Copy !req
75. So it wasn't long
before I decided to take action myself.Copy !req
76. I figured if the police were
too slow to act, too slow to protect us,Copy !req
77. then Martha might do something worse.Copy !req
78. It was time
to take matters into my own hands.Copy !req
79. Martha.Copy !req
80. Leave my family alone.Copy !req
81. - I don't know what you're talking about.
- Leave my fucking family alone.Copy !req
82. If you don't, we will never be together.Copy !req
83. Do you understand?Copy !req
84. I thought, with the police,
we weren't on the cards anyway.Copy !req
85. Shut up. Be quiet for a second.Copy !req
86. If you leave my family alone...Copy !req
87. I will hang your curtains tonight.Copy !req
88. I wanna make sure
I get it right though. All of it.Copy !req
89. So put it in an email.Copy !req
90. What you want to do to me.Copy !req
91. How you want me to... hang them.Copy !req
92. But I like it rough, okay?Copy !req
93. So make sure it's as sick, twisted,Copy !req
94. as depraved as you can write it, yeah?Copy !req
95. Oh yeah, reindeer.Copy !req
96. Okay.Copy !req
97. Now, Mr. Dunn,Copy !req
98. please note this interview
is being recorded.Copy !req
99. You are not under arrest,
and you are free to leave at any point.Copy !req
100. Okay. Um, thank you.Copy !req
101. You're also entitled
to independent legal advice, if you wish.Copy !req
102. Uh, no, I d...
I don't think that's necessary.Copy !req
103. In that case, please know this interview
is being held under caution.Copy !req
104. Uh, wait. Sorry, what's going on?Copy !req
105. Did you meet Martha Scott
in the street yesterday?Copy !req
106. Yeah, like, by chance.Copy !req
107. Did you ask her to send you
a sexually threatening email?Copy !req
108. No.Copy !req
109. I wanna make sure I get it right.Copy !req
110. All of it. So put it in an email.Copy !req
111. What you want to do to me.
How you want me to... hang them.Copy !req
112. Martha had taped everything.Copy !req
113. I'll picnic with you.
- Oh my!Copy !req
114. Everything.
I'll hang your curtains.Copy !req
115. The curtain references.
I'm serious about you.Copy !req
116. This one time
I'd joked about checking her out.Copy !req
117. Hey, I'm only human, Martha.
Come on!Copy !req
118. This other time
we laughed about my penis size.Copy !req
119. - I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
Ten inches all round.Copy !req
120. I remember that feeling,
that caught red-handed, time-stood-still,Copy !req
121. bomb-in-a-war-zone,
hot-fucking-flush madness.Copy !req
122. She's taped everything?Copy !req
123. I can't speak for everything,Copy !req
124. but she also showed us an email from you
soliciting for anal sex.Copy !req
125. No, that was my fucking friend
on my account.Copy !req
126. He's... he's an idiot.
He... he did it for a laugh.Copy !req
127. She's... she's harassing my parents.
I just... I just needed it to stop.Copy !req
128. I sympathize with your position,
but you must allow us to do our job.Copy !req
129. In a certain light,
this could be seen as entrapment.Copy !req
130. But Ms. Scott does not wish
to take any action against you.Copy !req
131. I'm sorry?Copy !req
132. Ms. Scott does not wish
to take any action against you.Copy !req
133. Against me?Copy !req
134. What the hell?
She's... she's... she's stalking me.Copy !req
135. I suggest you apologizeCopy !req
136. and let us go about doing our job again
in the correct manner.Copy !req
137. Apologize? To her? Are you kidding me?Copy !req
138. I mean, how would I even apologize?Copy !req
139. We can pass along your apologiesCopy !req
140. and then suggest to her, very strongly,
that the two of you part ways.Copy !req
141. The police do not want to hear
from either of you again.Copy !req
142. You're putting us
on an even playing field?Copy !req
143. Well?Copy !req
144. Tell her I'm sorry.Copy !req
145. It suddenly dawned on meCopy !req
146. that Martha knew
exactly what she was doing.Copy !req
147. Exactly how to get to me
and still evade the law.Copy !req
148. It's because she's been here
countless times before.Copy !req
149. She was a repeat offender. A seasoned pro.Copy !req
150. My stalker was a seasoned pro.Copy !req
151. How could you be so stupid, Donny?
Framing her?Copy !req
152. - What the hell were you thinking?
- I know. I know.Copy !req
153. This woman attacked me, Donny.Copy !req
154. Everywhere I go,
I'm worried I might bump into her.Copy !req
155. Now you're telling me I'm stuck with that
for the rest of my life?Copy !req
156. You don't need to tell me.
I feel the same way.Copy !req
157. What if she finds
my Twitter, Donny,Copy !req
158. and starts spewing crap
like she did in the pub that day?Copy !req
159. Maybe you could
take your socials down for a bit.Copy !req
160. Really? That's your suggestion?Copy !req
161. Well, at the very least,
get rid of all the rainbow unicorn stuff.Copy !req
162. You know, protect yourself.Copy !req
163. Are you serious?
That's your recommendation? Hide myself.Copy !req
164. If you're worried about her opinions,
don't give her the bait.Copy !req
165. - Bait?
- Come on, Teri. I'm trying here.Copy !req
166. What's wrong with having to lie low
for a bit until this is all sorted?Copy !req
167. Because of what it takes from me.Copy !req
168. Do you understand what it's like
to get to a place in my lifeCopy !req
169. where I can even walk out the door?Copy !req
170. And now I need to walk back in
and bolt it shut, all because of you.Copy !req
171. Because of me or because
some fucking psycho is stalking me?Copy !req
172. Because just there it sounded like
you were blaming me for all this.Copy !req
173. She's mentally ill, Donny,Copy !req
174. and you indulged her.Copy !req
175. Oh, please. Only you could make outCopy !req
176. that having a violent stalker
ruining my lifeCopy !req
177. is somehow my fault.Copy !req
178. You really wanna go there?Copy !req
179. Yeah, I actually fucking do.Copy !req
180. I think you love it.Copy !req
181. I think it fits you perfectly
having her in your life.Copy !req
182. Seeing you as the thing
you try so hard to be.Copy !req
183. She's the embodiment
of all your nasty repressions,Copy !req
184. bottled up into one human being.Copy !req
185. Jesus, Teri, come on.Copy !req
186. You can't let her affect us like this.Copy !req
187. It's not her affecting us. It's you.Copy !req
188. I can't be in this anymore.Copy !req
189. I can't have this endless disorder
in my life.Copy !req
190. Hold on, hold on.Copy !req
191. Are you breaking up with me
because of her?Copy !req
192. No. Because of you.Copy !req
193. I knew it was over with Teri.Copy !req
194. She shut off her mind towards me
the second she turned away.Copy !req
195. Done. Gone.Copy !req
196. And now at rock bottom,Copy !req
197. the only positive
I could glean from the whole situationCopy !req
198. was that it couldn't get
any worse from here.Copy !req
199. Surely it couldn't get
any worse from here.Copy !req
200. Yes, mate.
Hello.Copy !req
201. - Can I get two pints of house, please?
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
202. No, you can't come in here.Copy !req
203. - Can't stop me.
You're barred.Copy !req
204. Digsy, get Greggsy, will you?Copy !req
205. - He's clocked off early.
Why?Copy !req
206. Air strike, mate. He's picking up.Copy !req
207. For fuck's sake. Get Gino.Copy !req
208. No can do.
- Why?Copy !req
209. - Oh my God.
- I guess I'll sit here and wait, then.Copy !req
210. No, you won't. I'll call the police.Copy !req
211. Do it. See how far that gets you.Copy !req
212. I heard they're washing their hands
of the both of us.Copy !req
213. - Excuse me, mate—
- In a minute, pal, all right?Copy !req
214. Digsy, get her out of here.Copy !req
215. - Come on, missy.
- Don't you fucking touch me!Copy !req
216. You have no right. No right whatsoever.Copy !req
217. Now, I'm on my period,Copy !req
218. and I've come in for a glass of water,
which is my right to do.Copy !req
219. You cannot deny a woman hydration
when she's coming on. That is illegal.Copy !req
220. Just fucking leave it, all right?Copy !req
221. - What can I get you, madam?
- Don't serve her, you prick. Ignore her.Copy !req
222. Fuck me. Where did they find you? Jesus.Copy !req
223. Go and stock the fridges or something.Copy !req
224. I'm sorry...
- Yeah. What was it? Two pints?Copy !req
225. Yeah.
- Okay.Copy !req
226. I'd wipe that glass clean
if I were you.Copy !req
227. Fucking yeast fingers all over your pint.Copy !req
228. You should see the woman he's with.
His lady friend. Utter skank.Copy !req
229. We call him Hunchy around here
'cause of his gutter taste in women.Copy !req
230. He's like one of those hogs,Copy !req
231. always sniffling around for truffles
with a shitty nose.Copy !req
232. Truffles!
That's your new nickname.Copy !req
233. - Tenner, please, mate.Copy !req
234. - Ta.
- He's a comedian, by the way.Copy !req
235. Not a very good one.Copy !req
236. - Not the kind of stuff you see on TV.
Tell us a joke, mate.Copy !req
237. No, he doesn't do jokes, this one.
It's more props.Copy !req
238. Googly eyes on kettles. Weird crap.Copy !req
239. Very immature.Copy !req
240. - You should Google it.
What do I Google?Copy !req
241. "Shite, two-bit comedian."
"Shite—"Copy !req
242. No, I... I'm joking. I'm joking.
That's what it should be under.Copy !req
243. Try "Donny Dunn comedy."Copy !req
244. "Donny Dunn comedy."Copy !req
245. Oh yeah. Here it is.Copy !req
246. Do you like one-liners?
Yeah. Check out Jimmy Carr.Copy !req
247. - Jesus, mate. Is that meant to be funny?
- I know.Copy !req
248. Watch this one, right?
This one here. Lead balloon.Copy !req
249. I've got a daughter.
She's two months old.Copy !req
250. Called her Adolf after Adolf Hitler.Copy !req
251. I'm joking! I'm joking!Copy !req
252. She's three months old.Copy !req
253. Oof!Copy !req
254. Mate! I don't think you should be reading
your jokes from your notepad, should you?Copy !req
255. It's part of the act, apparently.
It's "anti-comedy," it's called.Copy !req
256. - Well, it's certainly that.
- Yeah. That's so true.Copy !req
257. I tell you what, mate.Copy !req
258. Why don't you Google something else?Copy !req
259. "Serial stalker torments
barrister's deaf child."Copy !req
260. What's that?Copy !req
261. "Serial stalker tormentsCopy !req
262. barrister's deaf child."Copy !req
263. You've ruined it!Copy !req
264. You fucking...Copy !req
265. Oh fuck.Copy !req
266. You've ruined it! You fucking ruined it!Copy !req
267. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on!
Your mouth!Copy !req
268. Your fucking mouth!Copy !req
269. I warned you
it'd get you in trouble, didn't I?Copy !req
270. I warned you!Copy !req
271. Jesus! What the fuck was that about?Copy !req
272. I gave her a cup of tea.Copy !req
273. I gave her a cup of tea.Copy !req
274. That's the thing, son.Copy !req
275. If you call the police,
the landlord is not gonna like that.Copy !req
276. Not at all.Copy !req
277. We're supposed
to have a manager on at all times.Copy !req
278. The fact we just left you there,
it's not good, man.Copy !req
279. Not good.Copy !req
280. They find out
we turn the cameras towards the wallsCopy !req
281. because of the lock-ins,Copy !req
282. and that could be our jobs
because that's negligence.Copy !req
283. That's negligence, Donny.Copy !req
284. Hey, look. How about we come
to your gig later and buy you a drink?Copy !req
285. A nice big drink.Copy !req
286. We'll make sureCopy !req
287. she doesn't come within
a fucking mile of this place ever again.Copy !req
288. Fine.Copy !req
289. Fine.Copy !req
290. You okay, bro?Copy !req
291. - Hey, are you sure you're okay doing this?
- Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine.Copy !req
292. - Yeah?
- Well, you're up next, dude.Copy !req
293. Ladies and gentlemen, are you
ready for your final act of this section?Copy !req
294. Keep that noise going
for Donny Dunn!Copy !req
295. Hey! All right! Thank you. Yes! All right.Copy !req
296. All right, here we go.Copy !req
297. Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm gonna get this out the way up top.Copy !req
298. You can probably tell
my face is a little bruised and battered,Copy !req
299. so here's a piece of advice.Copy !req
300. Never give the blow jobCopy !req
301. if you are the one driving.Copy !req
302. All right, good, good.Copy !req
303. Just a little reminder up top.Copy !req
304. This set is brought to you by...Copy !req
305. Poppa Condoms.
Proper condoms.Copy !req
306. Pop a proper condom on.Copy !req
307. Thank you very much to them
for sponsoring this routine.Copy !req
308. Okay, let's do some jokes.Copy !req
309. Whenever I go on holiday, uh,
I never wanna wear sunglasses on the beachCopy !req
310. in case people think I'm perving on them.Copy !req
311. So to negate this worry,Copy !req
312. I actually like to widen my eyes.Copy !req
313. I think you'll agree,
it makes me look less creepy.Copy !req
314. All right. Okay. So...Copy !req
315. No?Copy !req
316. All right. Yeah.Copy !req
317. Not for you, then, that one. Fine.Copy !req
318. Poppa Condoms.Copy !req
319. Proper condoms
for policemen who like eating Burger King.Copy !req
320. Pop a proper Whopper copper condom on.Copy !req
321. Oh boy.Copy !req
322. Oh, fucking hell.Copy !req
323. Course you didn't see anything in it.
Of course you didn't.Copy !req
324. You only saw me.Copy !req
325. I used to think, right...Copy !req
326. Genuinely. Hear me out here, right?Copy !req
327. I used to thinkCopy !req
328. that what you're seeing here was, like,Copy !req
329. breaking the mold.Copy !req
330. You know, I'd watch
these fucking other comicsCopy !req
331. rising above me, and I... I just...Copy !req
332. I never understood
why... why them and not me.Copy !req
333. But then, bam!Copy !req
334. Reality smacks me in the face.Copy !req
335. I am so fucking naive.Copy !req
336. I was so naive in thinking
that this was something specialCopy !req
337. that when a writer
sweeps you off your feetCopy !req
338. and says, "Hey, you've got it, kid.
Let's make you famous..."Copy !req
339. you believe every word
he's gonna say to you.Copy !req
340. 'Cause it's the words
you've wanted to hear your entire life.Copy !req
341. "I believe in you...
as much as you believe in yourself."Copy !req
342. And you'll do just about
anything in the world he asks of youCopy !req
343. because... because fame
encompasses judgment, right?Copy !req
344. And I... I feared judgment my entire life.Copy !req
345. That's why I wanted fame,
because when you're famous,Copy !req
346. people see you as that, famous.Copy !req
347. They're not thinking all the other things
that I'm scared they're thinking.Copy !req
348. Like, "That guy's a loser or a drip
or a fucking faggot."Copy !req
349. They think,
"It's the guy from that thing."Copy !req
350. "It's the funny guy."Copy !req
351. And I wanted so badly to be the funny guy.Copy !req
352. Fuck your red light. I'm finishing.Copy !req
353. So when this writer saysCopy !req
354. he only works with wild ones,
and to... to face my own fears, well,Copy !req
355. it's not long before I'm round his house,
taking boatloads of drugs every weekend.Copy !req
356. And isn't getting groomed magical?Copy !req
357. Before you realize
you're actually getting groomed.Copy !req
358. Until you're passing out from GHB
on his living-room couch,Copy !req
359. while he tears at your trousers
with his disgusting hands.Copy !req
360. And you know it's wrong, deep down,
what he's making you do.Copy !req
361. But you just keep going back.Copy !req
362. And you start to think,Copy !req
363. "Is my self-respect so fucking low,Copy !req
364. is my lust for success so fucking high,Copy !req
365. that I will repeatedly go back
to this man's houseCopy !req
366. and let him abuse meCopy !req
367. for a little peep at fame?"Copy !req
368. "Oh, you're a victim.
You mustn't blame yourself."Copy !req
369. Good sentiment, but let's be honest,Copy !req
370. the fourth or fifth time you've passed out
and woken up with your dick in his mouth,Copy !req
371. you should probably
think about not going back.Copy !req
372. But, no, I just had to keep going.Copy !req
373. I just had to get fucking raped.Copy !req
374. Anything funny to say, boys?Copy !req
375. My confidence is so low, right...Copy !req
376. You'll... you'll enjoy this.Copy !req
377. that I let this fucking mad bitch
into my life.Copy !req
378. I work in a bar, and I gave her
this cup of tea on the house.Copy !req
379. She... she was crying,
and I wanted to cheer her up.Copy !req
380. But she... she kept coming back in
time and time again,Copy !req
381. and I... I knew she was growing attached,Copy !req
382. but I still went along with it to satisfy
my own stupid need for attention.Copy !req
383. Hence the face. She... she did this to me.Copy !req
384. You see...Copy !req
385. that's what abuse does to you, you know?Copy !req
386. It made me this...Copy !req
387. sticking plaster
for all of life's weirdos. This...Copy !req
388. This open wound for them to sniff at.Copy !req
389. I knew she was mad,
and I knew she was dangerous,Copy !req
390. but she flattered me, and that was enough.Copy !req
391. And now... I really don't know
where it's gonna end.Copy !req
392. I really think one of us is gonna
have to die now, and I'm not a killer.Copy !req
393. Yeah, go on, walk out.
There'll be puns in the next section.Copy !req
394. There's a guy
dressed as a train conductor.Copy !req
395. I'm sure that's gonna be funny.Copy !req
396. I met this trans woman.Copy !req
397. You should see her.Copy !req
398. She's the most beautiful person
you've ever met, andCopy !req
399. I just couldn't...Copy !req
400. I just couldn't...Copy !req
401. love her.Copy !req
402. And I see it now.Copy !req
403. I see what it was that I lost in her.Copy !req
404. Moreover, I see why I messed it up
in the way that I did.Copy !req
405. And it's because of this, right?Copy !req
406. It's because I loved one thing
in this world more than I did her, right?Copy !req
407. One thing.Copy !req
408. And do you know what that one thing was?Copy !req
409. Hating myself.Copy !req
410. I love it.Copy !req
411. I'm addicted to it.Copy !req
412. I don't know anything else.Copy !req
413. Because God forbid
ever taking a chance at life.Copy !req
414. God forbid
ever taking a chance at happiness.Copy !req
415. And that's why
I messed it up with her.Copy !req
416. Because I hated myself
so much more than I loved her.Copy !req
417. And I loved her so very much.Copy !req
418. I've spent my whole lifeCopy !req
419. running away.Copy !req
420. And this...Copy !req
421. This competition,
this was just another hundred metersCopy !req
422. in a marathon
I was never gonna finish alive.Copy !req
423. So I'm gonna stop running now.Copy !req
424. Because I just don't have the legs
for it anymore. I just don't.Copy !req
425. Yeah.Copy !req
426. Don't know how I started
coming out with all this, to be honest.Copy !req
427. Really not sure how to finish.Copy !req
428. Oh, actually...Copy !req
429. Poppa condoms,
proper condomsCopy !req
430. for policemen working in helicoptersCopy !req
431. who enjoy eating Indian food
and Burger King.Copy !req
432. Pop a proper Whopper chopper copper
popadam condom on.Copy !req
433. Are there any questions?Copy !req
434. Well, then,Copy !req
435. I look forward
to winning this competition.Copy !req