Baby Reindeer 1x5

1. Martha was barred for an incident shortly after the attack on Teri.

2. There you are!

3. You cowardly, two-timing fuck.

4. The nerve you showed me the other night, rubbing that skank in my face.

5. All right, that's enough, Martha.

6. You've made an enemy of me, reindeer.

7. - Make no mistake about it. Martha!

8. - I hope you know what you've done... Enough!

9. - ... in wounding me like this. Martha!

10. Your mouth's gonna get you in trouble, boy.

11. For a moment, I thought that might be the end of it,

12. but she just multiplied across all other areas of my life.

13. Hey, you should see the woman he's dating. Pig ugly.

14. If he stooped any lower, he'd be a hunchback.

15. Yes! Uh, hello, ladies and gentlemen, s—

16. He's a hunchback! Quasimodo!

17. Head in a gutter of skanks!

18. Yeah, there he is, Mr. Two-timing Slut.

19. Don't trust him, guys.

20. He'll promise you sex, then sprint the other way.

21. It was killing me, all of it.

22. A free pass to the comedy final on account of Martha ruining the gig

23. offered little comfort in the face of everything.

24. I thought about quitting the bar or moving house

25. or pausing the comedy for a while,

26. but I didn't wanna give her the satisfaction

27. of taking any more than she had.

28. So all that was left to do was lie and wait,

29. questioning what else she might be capable of.

30. Mum! Someone just threw something in my face.

31. You'll be all right. Just wash it out.

32. What's going on?

33. Someone just attacked me! - What?

34. I thought it was acid. I thought I was gonna go blind.

35. Jesus. I mean, what was it?

36. I don't know. It was, like, a fizzy drink. It was Coke, I think.

37. Coke? As in, like... As in, like... like

38. Diet Coke?

39. I wasn't paying attention to the sugar content, Donny.

40. - Jesus Christ! - Yeah, no, of course.

41. It was that woman from the cooking group.

42. I saw her running down the street when I came to the window.

43. Oh yeah. No, I... I... I think I remember her. Yeah.

44. She said, "That's for fucking Donny," before she threw it in my face.

45. What is going on here?

46. She's this woman.

47. She's been

48. stalking me.

49. She's been stalking you?

50. Wait, is this that Martha woman who's been harassing me on Facebook?

51. Oh my God.

52. She's been in my home.

53. You are a fucking idiot. You know that?

54. How long's this been going on for? - I don't know. Like, six months.

55. - Six months? - Have you been to the police?

56. Yeah, I have, but they, you know, wouldn't take it seriously.

57. They might if you tell them what just happened to me.

58. What, that someone threw a Coke in your face?

59. You know what? I can't believe you.

60. No, that wasn't what I meant. I just meant...

61. Oh my God, I'm just saying, like,

62. if they don't take this woman sending me hundreds of emails a day seriously,

63. they're not gonna give much of a shit about a soft drink, are they?

64. Well, in that case...

65. I really hate to do this to you, Donny.

66. I think you'd better move out.

67. I moved to Kilburn with two guys from my drama-school days.

68. One of their dads owned the flat, so it was just about affordable for me.

69. I expected the absolute worst,

70. but as the door opened onto my new place,

71. all my dread and frustration at the whole situation just vanished.

72. It was perfect. A fresh start.

73. Anonymity again.

74. Holy shit, this place is nuts.

75. Yeah, it's such a find, honestly.

76. Jesus Christ. The balcony!

77. Yeah. Always nice to look down on people as they go about their lives.

78. Thought you'd have done enough of that at private school.

79. Haven't seen you for two years, already with the class digs. Good.

80. How's the comedy going?

81. Yeah, not bad. Got to the final of a new-act competition recently.

82. New act?

83. You've been doing this for five years now.

84. At this rate, I'll still be doing them when I'm picking up my pension.

85. How about you? What are you up to?

86. - I'm taking a gap year. In London?

87. Are you working? Saving up or something?

88. Nah, I'm, uh, living off my savings.

89. Finding my way. Enjoying my freedom.

90. We steal Wi-Fi from the café downstairs. It's fast as fuck, so we save there too.

91. Fucking hell, this is insane.

92. What's the catch?

93. I found it tediously predictable that Francis had failed to mention

94. that him and Bijou had taken time off to fulfil their...

95. Cultural, psychoactive destiny, man.

96. Psychedelics, bro.

97. They give you an insight, a clarity, like nothing you've seen before.

98. My thoughts exactly.

99. A gap year, people think that means getting on planes and shit,

100. but you can do an entire round trip inside your living room these days, brother.

101. This all sounds very riveting,

102. but if it's okay, I'd quite like to take a shit now.

103. So this was my life.

104. Hiding away in my bedroom while the heat rose through the floor

105. and the walls pounded with the shittest fucking music known to man,

106. feeling utterly overcome

107. with how much I hated Martha.

108. Hello?

109. I've got a daughter. Two month-old. Two-month-old, right?

110. So I called her Adolf. I'm joking! I'm joking!

111. What's going on?

112. She's three months old.

113. Oh, for fuck's sake.

114. Look, just fucking get that off.

115. No point. We've watched 'em all several times.

116. This is gonna sound like a crass question, but why isn't it funny?

117. Ask Norwich. It's Norwich that's not funny.

118. We laughed at it for two seconds, then sat around depressed as fuck for you.

119. It's like when someone dies, and you know you can't joke about it.

120. It makes me not wanna do acid again

121. in case I wake up inside your comedy routine.

122. Sorry, who's this?

123. - That's Digsy. He's new. - Make yourself at home, why don't you?

124. Whoa, don't take it out on Digsy. It was Martha that told us.

125. I almost unbarred her there and then.

126. You don't have the authority to do that, you fat prick.

127. To be fair, it's a lot funnier than the audience are giving you credit for.

128. - That's true. - Yeah, marginally so.

129. Don't pity me. That was my first gig. I'm a lot better now.

130. Well, we look forward to seeing it.

131. Yeah, and until then, I'm thinking let's project that on the wall.

132. - Beam this cunt round the entire pub. - Right.

133. Yeah?

134. I started spending more and more time around Teri's place.

135. I thought the incident with Martha would be the end of us,

136. but instead it bound us tighter than ever before,

137. Teri's experience allowing her to better understand mine.

138. Jesus, those guys are such assholes.

139. Did you tell them you have a big, fancy comedy final coming up?

140. No, I don't think the prospect of becoming the Laughing Duck New Act of the Year

141. would have done me favors in a conversation like that.

142. They'll be laughing on the other side of their face

143. when you take home the crown.

144. Mm, I like that attitude.

145. - Don't get used to this, by the way. I won't.

146. - Too much chili? Too much?

147. Christ, Teri, they're gonna feed me this in hell!

148. Oh my God!

149. Here, drink your milk, pussy!

150. I feel like I can see into the next life.

151. And within the comfort of Teri's flat,

152. with all the safety she needed and all the privacy I did,

153. we flourished into the couple we should have always been.

154. And in a strange sense, I'd gotten everything I'd ever wanted,

155. a closed-door relationship,

156. as I tried very hard not to feel grateful towards Martha in some fucked-up way.

157. When did you first figure out you were open to dating trans women?

158. I think I asked God one day if he could make my life more complicated.

159. How do you identify sexually? If there was a gun to your head.

160. Oh, please, pull the trigger.

161. Shut up, asshole.

162. I don't fancy that funeral. All the speeches.

163. "Donny was a top lad with great banter."

164. Will my gran be the only one that's speaking?

165. Answer, idiot!

166. I don't know. Like, bi, maybe.

167. And what makes you bi?

168. Because I feel like a fraud no matter who I sleep with.

169. What's it gonna take to give you some confidence, huh?

170. Seriously, think about it.

171. I'm not sure you ever have.

172. I don't know. What's that phrase?

173. You know, the one about... dancing and watching.

174. Confidence is dancing like no one's watching you?

175. Yeah.

176. I don't know.

177. Just seems quite nice.

178. Well, that's easy.

179. See? Piece of cake.

180. Yeah, and you look like a total knob too.

181. Ten years of ballet, two in tap and jazz.

182. My mom definitely wanted a girl.

183. Come. I'll show you.

184. No way.

185. - Don't be shy. - No, not a chance in hell.

186. - Just try. No, no.

187. - I'll sandbag you. - Oh, don't be such a bore.

188. Fine. I'm sandbagging.

189. No. I'm sandbagging. No.

190. I'll try all evening, if that's what it takes.

191. No. No. Come here. Come here.

192. So?

193. Do you feel like a fraud with me?

194. I dunno.

195. We haven't put it to the test yet.

196. Oh fuck, I'm shaking.

197. That's okay. I can work with that. Come here.

198. What's going on?

199. No, no. I'm... I'm fine. I'm just finding it hard to...

200. Shake off your prejudice?

201. Please. No lectures during foreplay.

202. Oh, come on. Don't act like you wouldn't find me hot as a lecturer.

203. - Mm. - Power suit. Secretary glasses.

204. One of those pointer things to hit you with.

205. Oh, I'm sorry. No. No. I'm... I'm not ready.

206. I'm sorry. My... my body, it's... it's just not letting me.

207. Hey, don't worry. It's fine.

208. Happens all the time.

209. - Does it? Yeah.

210. - So I've heard. Shut up!

211. - Would you like a tea or something? Yeah, sure.

212. Okay.

213. It was strange.

214. After all the awful things that had been done to my body,

215. I just couldn't lose myself in intimacy anymore.

216. Now there were feelings involved, it all just felt too much.

217. The touch, the love, the confirmation.

218. Sorry, it's just not happening.

219. Over the next fortnight, after repeated failed attempts,

220. I started noticing a change in Teri.

221. Days spent predominantly in bed,

222. skulking around the house in yesterday's clothes,

223. blurring the line between night and day without her usual spark.

224. Is everything okay?

225. Yeah, I'm fine.

226. Then I would wake in the night to find her shrinking inside of herself,

227. her wings clipped.

228. Is everything okay?

229. My God, stop asking that.

230. Well, maybe if you explain, I might be able to help.

231. Look at my hair, Donny. Look at the state of it.

232. - It's growing back in weird clumps. I think it looks great.

233. It looks horrible, and you know it.

234. I look like fucking Beetlejuice.

235. Great. Now you're laughing.

236. What? That was funny.

237. Look, Teri, if this is anything to do with all this awkward sex stuff...

238. No, it's the way you make me feel during the sex stuff.

239. Like your body's manifesting

240. all the awful things she said to me that night.

241. No, no, Teri, it's got nothing to do with that.

242. It's just the whole Martha situation. That's what's getting to me here.

243. I just feel so fucking stressed.

244. But what are you even doing to fix the situation, Donny?

245. We've been stuck inside for God knows how long now,

246. waiting for you to figure it out.

247. Well, I've been to the police, but they were useless.

248. Did you mention what happened to me?

249. Of course I did.

250. Then why haven't they been round?

251. It's because you didn't say shit!

252. That's not true.

253. You stopped me calling them the night she attacked me.

254. You stopped everyone calling.

255. You couldn't have whisked me out of that pub any faster.

256. - I was trying to get you to safety. - Yeah. Sure you were.

257. The safety inside your own fucking head.

258. She said I look like a man, Donny.

259. Do you know what that's like for me?

260. No, I don't.

261. But for what it's worth, you don't look like a man at all.

262. Pretty rich coming from someone who's always treated me like one.

263. I should have gone then.

264. I should have grabbed Teri's hand

265. and brought her to the police station with me.

266. But still my shame won out.

267. I just had to find a different way.

268. We can't charge someone for masturbating.

269. It's not about the masturbating. Read the email.

270. You shouldn't be allowed to send that.

271. If anything, her email implies that she's gonna stay away.

272. I think you're missing the point here.

273. I'm giving you the arguments she'll come back with.

274. To arrest someone on the basis of an email,

275. we need a credible threat or something sexually aggressive.

276. If I was a young woman and a 40-year-old man

277. kept emailing stuff about wanking, would that be a credible threat?

278. With male-to-female gender stalking, the threat of a man is physical.

279. He carries more weight.

280. Nobody carries weight against a fucking knife, do they?

281. Again, if I could see any evidence that would suggest violence—

282. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, she's ruining my life here.

283. Type her name into the system. Martha Scott.

284. There'll be something there. I'm telling you.

285. Right.

286. Yeah. I... I believe I've found her.

287. Just... Tell you what...

288. why... why don't... why don't I get you your, um...

289. Actually, why don't you just come through to the back?

290. 'Cause I'd better get my... my supervisor just to look through this.

291. - Sorry, is there someone coming? Yeah. Uh...

292. Oh, just... just now, in fact.

293. Thank you.

294. Good afternoon. I'm Detective Joanne Culver.

295. So, Martha Scott.

296. Yeah.

297. I can't say too much here,

298. but all you need to know is she is a very serious woman.

299. So serious that she once stalked a policeman.

300. Right.

301. My colleague tells me she's not in possession of your phone number.

302. Is that correct?

303. Yeah, that's... that's correct.

304. Good. Let's make sure we keep it that way, shall we?

305. Yeah. Yeah.

306. Now, ideally, you would draw up a timeline for us.

307. Everything that's happened thus far, to give us a sense of the scale of it.

308. That's fine. And in the meantime?

309. We will talk to her,

310. warn her regarding any future conduct.

311. Great.

312. Then what?

313. The presence of the police can change things, Mr. Dunn.

314. Mm, I get that, but you literally just said

315. she's a serious woman who even stalks policemen.

316. We'll do what we can.

317. The police's presence at Martha's door brought with it a sudden silence.

318. Strange, eerie silence.

319. Not a single day from the moment I met her did she not contact me.

320. Now silence.

321. Strange, eerie silence.

322. Weeks went by, and I started to panic.

323. The emails allowed me to tune into every facet of her emotion.

324. I knew when she was sad, when she missed me,

325. when she was ill or drunk or angry.

326. Now nothing.

327. I found myself awake at night,

328. worried, terrified, in fact,

329. that I was gonna get up one morning to find she'd killed herself,

330. an email in my inbox expressing that I was the reason why.

331. Did I miss her?

332. Was there some part of me that missed her?

333. Missed the drama, missed the attention,

334. missed the distraction from him and Teri and myself and what happened.

335. Did I miss her?

336. And the strangest part about all of this,

337. I started to masturbate over Martha.

338. There was something so awful yet thrilling

339. about doing something that would devastate my life even further.

340. I would come quickly every time and be left with the same confusion

341. that had become my post-orgasm trademark.

342. "What the fuck was that? Where did that come from?"

343. I wasn't even attracted to her,

344. but the idea of it became this wild obsession for me.

345. Oh God.

346. Someone hurt you, didn't they?

347. Out of all the things I expected Martha to do next,

348. fixing my broken libido wasn't one of them.

349. And I hated how happy it made Teri too.

350. I didn't know anything anymore,

351. so, in a tailspin as to where this all might end,

352. I felt abused again.

353. Surely with the police now involved, she'd be foolish to do anything else.

354. Have you put together a timeline?

355. Uh, not yet. Sorry, I... I...

356. I haven't found the words.

357. Well, no problem. Just get it to us when you can.

358. So we spoke to Ms. Scott.

359. What did she say?

360. Uh, well, she was surprisingly cooperative in the end.

361. Really?

362. She said she was embarrassed and went on to accept our offer of help.

363. In fact, she has attended two of our social-adjustment courses

364. since we last spoke to her.

365. Social-adjustment courses?

366. It's usually for ex-convicts who have done lengthy prison sentences,

367. but it helps with reoffenders as well.

368. So, did she say anything else?

369. Nothing that causes concern.

370. She didn't, like, pass anything on?

371. Nothing that comes to mind.

372. But she was upset, right? I mean, she must have been upset.

373. No. No, she took it quite well, actually.

374. So, that's it, then?

375. That's it.

376. If she contacts you again, we'll move the process on to the CPS,

377. who will decide the judicial outcome,

378. and likely result in you obtaining a full restraining order.

379. You can breathe out now, Donny.

380. So, what? She just accepted it?

381. Yeah. Strange, right? I at least thought she'd say something back.

382. You know, make shit up. But, apparently, she was very cooperative.

383. Weird.

384. You think you know someone.

385. Yeah.

386. What's wrong?

387. Not the big showdown you were hoping for?

388. I don't know. It's just, like, odd that she had self-restraint all along.

389. Makes me think she wasn't all that mad to begin with.

390. Now you're talking like the crazy one.

391. I'm not crazy. 40,000 law firms say otherwise!

392. Hey, this is still a mentally ill woman that we're talking about here.

393. Okay, okay.

394. I'm still a therapist.

395. I can't be seen indulging...

396. rank impressions, baby reindeer,

397. baseless lies and slander.

398. What was that?

399. Was that... Was that a Martha impression? Wow.

400. Who's that?

401. It's my mum.

402. Get it. I'm intrigued. You can always judge a man by how he treats his mother.

403. What the fuck do you want?

404. I'm only joking. I haven't picked up.

405. I'll get back to her later. This night is for us.

406. Here.

407. To new beginnings.

408. To new beginnings.

409. - Do you know what you're having? No idea. What are you getting?

410. I usually pick the only thing I can pronounce on the menu,

411. so I think it's the ham hock for me.

412. First new message, received Sunday 28th at 8:28 p.m.

413. Will you pick up? We've been ringing every hospital

414. to figure out which one you've been taken to.

415. Nobody knows a thing, so if you would—

416. Give me that, will you? Son, pick up your bastard phone.

417. We're sitting here wondering where the fuck to go.

418. Nobody has any records of you anywhere,

419. or a car crash or anything we've been told.

420. So tell us what's going on.

421. We can't get back through to the person who called either.

422. What's her fucking name?

423. Martha.