1. Six months.Copy !req
2. It had taken me six months
to report Martha.Copy !req
3. Can I help you?Copy !req
4. I should have started with Teri,Copy !req
5. how Martha attacked her just yesterday,
but I didn't.Copy !req
6. I would like to report something.
How does it work?Copy !req
7. What would you like to report?Copy !req
8. I should have mentioned the grope,
but I didn't.Copy !req
9. I don't know how to tell you this,
but I'm, like... I'm getting stalked.Copy !req
10. - By a man or a woman?
- A woman.Copy !req
11. I should have mentioned her name,
the articles, her previous crimes,Copy !req
12. but I just didn't.Copy !req
13. Look, I'm... I'm really worried here.Copy !req
14. I think she needs help.Copy !req
15. And when the policeman asked...
- Why'd it take you so long to report it?Copy !req
16. it all just came flooding back.Copy !req
17. About five years earlier,
I went to the Edinburgh Festival.Copy !req
18. It was always an ambition of mine
to take a show there,Copy !req
19. to join the hustle and bustle
of street performers and artistsCopy !req
20. gambling their luck on a shot at fame.Copy !req
21. I knew I had to come here one day
and take a chance myself.Copy !req
22. Writing, acting, comedy, whatever it took.Copy !req
23. I just needed the kind of freedom in lifeCopy !req
24. which only comes from dreaming big
and stopping at nothing to get there.Copy !req
25. So as I arrived at my venue
on the outskirts of townCopy !req
26. and noticed the grubby windows,
the sticky floors,Copy !req
27. the smell of chip fat as I walked in...Copy !req
28. it felt like everything to me.Copy !req
29. - Hello.
Yo.Copy !req
30. Can you let me know
where to go for the comedy?Copy !req
31. Performer or punter?Copy !req
32. Performer.Copy !req
33. Door over there.Copy !req
34. Thank you.Copy !req
35. Do you mean, like, a different door, or...Copy !req
36. Plug it in in the corner.
Shove the table to the side.Copy !req
37. What? This is my stage?
Here? In with the main bar?Copy !req
38. That's right.Copy !req
39. I mean, do the televisions stay on?Copy !req
40. We mute.Copy !req
41. - And the punters?
- You can ask them to leave if you'd like.Copy !req
42. Oh no, I couldn't do that.Copy !req
43. They're here 12 months a year.
I'm only here one.Copy !req
44. Can you ask them to leave?Copy !req
45. No.Copy !req
46. I mean, do they even wanna see comedy?Copy !req
47. Only one way to find out.Copy !req
48. All right. We'd better begin. Yeah.Copy !req
49. Come on!Copy !req
50. Fucking Edinburgh Fringe!Copy !req
51. Hello, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the comedy.Copy !req
52. Uh, I'm gonna go behind
that little wall there and change.Copy !req
53. When I shout out, you all go mad
and welcome me to the stage.Copy !req
54. How does that sound?Copy !req
55. Woo.
- Great. One person.Copy !req
56. All right, here goes.Copy !req
57. Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stageCopy !req
58. Donny Dunn!Copy !req
59. Wa-hey!Copy !req
60. Fucking yes! Let me hear ya! Whoo!Copy !req
61. So my mum died today.Copy !req
62. Really? Nothing?Copy !req
63. You see, it's funny opening a show
like that when my mum has just died, no?Copy !req
64. Antithesis?Copy !req
65. The shows were just awful.Copy !req
66. Most days, I had to cancel
due to nobody turning up.Copy !req
67. One time, I had to end the show earlyCopy !req
68. when I was caught in the crosshairs
of a stag do.Copy !req
69. - Give that! Hey, hey!
- Here!Copy !req
70. No, no!Copy !req
71. No, please! I need that
for the rest of the month.Copy !req
72. Some days,
I stood not handing out any flyersCopy !req
73. in the hope nobody would come.Copy !req
74. I was about a week in, and I felt like
the dregs of show business.Copy !req
75. Got circumcised the other day.
Just had to find scissors big enough.Copy !req
76. Do you know what I mean? Yeah?Copy !req
77. I'm saying I got a big cock.Copy !req
78. Nothing? No? Really? Okay. That's fine.Copy !req
79. Um... Oh.Copy !req
80. Went to the shops for some eggplant.
Came back with this.Copy !req
81. Bloody hell! He saw me coming, didn't he?Copy !req
82. Yeah? He's just taped some eggs
to a plant.Copy !req
83. I questioned if I went home,
whether anyone would notice,Copy !req
84. whether anyone would care.Copy !req
85. All right, ladies and gentlemen,
that's the show!Copy !req
86. I'm gonna be standing by the doorCopy !req
87. with a bucket for your donations.
Give what you think the show is worth.Copy !req
88. Thanks for coming.Copy !req
89. Thanks for coming.Copy !req
90. Thanks for coming.Copy !req
91. - Ouch.
- Better than yesterday, I suppose.Copy !req
92. What was yesterday?Copy !req
93. - A button and a condom.Copy !req
94. Here, I've got something for you.Copy !req
95. Fell out of someone's wallet last night.Copy !req
96. It's yours if you want it. I know how much
you artistes love to schmooze.Copy !req
97. We had no idea it would ever work
when we shot it.Copy !req
98. You know the, uh, the scene
with the tin-can soldiers?Copy !req
99. We shot that on a beach in Lancaster
using tinfoil from catering.Copy !req
100. We used so much that Benji said
he could feel his fillings coming out.Copy !req
101. Uh, excuse me. Sorry to interrupt,
but did you work on Cotton Mouth?Copy !req
102. - Yeah.
- Oh my God, I fucking love that show.Copy !req
103. - What did you do on it?
- I was on the writing staff.Copy !req
104. - Holy shit, do I kiss your feet now?Copy !req
105. Um, look, I'm doing this show
up at the Hoppy bar.Copy !req
106. Come down and see it if you can.Copy !req
107. Uh, "LOL on Cancer."
- Yeah. Yeah, it's a great title, isn't it?Copy !req
108. We'll try.Copy !req
109. You guys seen anything decent?Copy !req
110. See you later.
- Yeah.Copy !req
111. Fuck.Copy !req
112. - Wankers, aren't they?Copy !req
113. Yeah, terrible first impression
on my part though.Copy !req
114. Shocking. You'll never work
in the industry again.Copy !req
115. Chance would be a fine thing.Copy !req
116. - See that guy over there?
- Yeah.Copy !req
117. He wrote Cotton Mouth.
It's fucking amazing. Have you seen it?Copy !req
118. - Bits and bobs. Not my thing.
- Then you're mental.Copy !req
119. Should be illegal for people
to be that young and that successful.Copy !req
120. Wanna slip poison in his drink?Copy !req
121. Wow, that's dark.Copy !req
122. But yes.Copy !req
123. - Anyway, the actors made that show.
- Couldn't agree more.Copy !req
124. Man, I hate that I care about his opinion.Copy !req
125. What do you do?Copy !req
126. Uh, I'm a comedian when they laugh,
a performance artist when they don't.Copy !req
127. - How were they tonight?
- They came for the art.Copy !req
128. - Um, I'm Donny, by the way.
- Darrien O'Connor.Copy !req
129. Uh, as in...Copy !req
130. Cotton Mouth.Copy !req
131. - What? But... But then who's—
- My writing assistant.Copy !req
132. Former writing assistant,
now I know he's stealing my job.Copy !req
133. I'm so sorry.
All that actor stuff was merely banter.Copy !req
134. I knew who you were. The writing
was the best bit about that show.Copy !req
135. - Don't worry.
Fu...Copy !req
136. - You just said you didn't like it.
- I don't.Copy !req
137. Why would you do a show
that you don't like?Copy !req
138. I'm a televisual prostitute.
I'll take whatever anyone gives me.Copy !req
139. Well, how about a failing comedian?Copy !req
140. Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stageCopy !req
141. the man who puts the LOL in propranolol...Copy !req
142. We'll probably cut that bit.Copy !req
143. Donny Dunn!Copy !req
144. Wa-hey!Copy !req
145. Whoa, whoa!Copy !req
146. Whoa, whoa!Copy !req
147. Wa-hey! Yes!Copy !req
148. So my mum died today.Copy !req
149. I guess this is what she would've wanted.
Me to die with her.Copy !req
150. Um, who wants to meet my friend Percy?Copy !req
151. All right. Yeah, okay.Copy !req
152. This is Percy.
We're a ventriloquist double act.Copy !req
153. Hi, Percy, how are you?Copy !req
154. I'm good, thanks. You?Copy !req
155. What have you been up to today, Percy?Copy !req
156. Sucking cock.Copy !req
157. Oh, wow, great. Thank you.Copy !req
158. Oh, cool!Copy !req
159. - Thanks for coming.
Cheers.Copy !req
160. Appreciate that.Copy !req
161. - Jesus, a 20.
- I didn't get a goodbye last night.Copy !req
162. - So I thought I'd come get it now.
- Oh, right. Well, uh, goodbye.Copy !req
163. Oh.Copy !req
164. No. No, wait. I'm joking. Sorry.Copy !req
165. You're strange.Copy !req
166. Am I? Shit.Copy !req
167. Don't worry.
I don't mind a bit of strange.Copy !req
168. Let's talk. Might have a few pointers
how to take this show to the next level.Copy !req
169. Wow. Yeah. I mean...
I mean, that would be great, yeah.Copy !req
170. - Laters, then.
- Yeah. Laters, uh, cowboy.Copy !req
171. What the fuck?Copy !req
172. Darrien became involved
in the show for the next few weeks,Copy !req
173. giving me advice on bits
that were and weren't working.Copy !req
174. and maintain eye contact.Copy !req
175. Rehearsing all kinds of hours
to whip everything into shape.Copy !req
176. Look at me.Copy !req
177. Three rows across the front.Copy !req
178. Soon the televisions were shut off
and the chairs faced the right way.Copy !req
179. Even the bar staff dismissed customers
who dared to ask when the football was on.Copy !req
180. No, we're not showing it today.
Try the pub down the road.Copy !req
181. And the shows just flourished.Copy !req
182. Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stageCopy !req
183. Donny Dunn!Copy !req
184. So my mum died today.Copy !req
185. Yeah, I suppose
this is what she would have wanted.Copy !req
186. Me to die with her.Copy !req
187. Every night,
I would go out with DarrienCopy !req
188. and live life like a celebrity
in the main private members' bar in town,Copy !req
189. drinking cocktails until the early hours,
talking endlessly about the showCopy !req
190. and what we were gonna do with it
when the festival was over.Copy !req
191. We need to get you
performing this show in London.Copy !req
192. Darrien was like
no one I'd ever met before.Copy !req
193. A self-prescribed...Copy !req
194. Buddhist, polyamorous pansexual
with a taste for the finer things in life.Copy !req
195. Within two weeks of knowing him,
he'd opened my eyesCopy !req
196. to the kind of excitement
I didn't even know existed.Copy !req
197. It's hard to yell for help
chained to a radiatorCopy !req
198. with a ball gag in your mouth.Copy !req
199. And as we sat in that private
members' bar and put the world to rights,Copy !req
200. I felt like I was gliding
on the winds of change.Copy !req
201. Like this man was dangling
some keys to a secret club,Copy !req
202. and all I needed to do was take his hand
and let him guide me.Copy !req
203. What are we doing in here?Copy !req
204. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
205. - They patrol the toilets.
- Oh.Copy !req
206. We need to get you
writing scripts with me.Copy !req
207. Yeah. That would be amazing, yeah.Copy !req
208. - Are you ready?
- Ready for anything, yeah.Copy !req
209. Good. Here.Copy !req
210. Fuck.Copy !req
211. Good lad.Copy !req
212. But all good things
come to an end.Copy !req
213. If you think that's bad, I was so drunk,Copy !req
214. I ended up putting
the hairnet on my penis.Copy !req
215. Darrien went back to London early,Copy !req
216. and I didn't hear from him
for the rest of the festival.Copy !req
217. Maybe he was taking a break
or on holiday somewhere,Copy !req
218. but it felt strange.Copy !req
219. And as the flyers got binned
and the posters came down,Copy !req
220. the televisions came back on
and the football started to play,Copy !req
221. I questioned whether it was
some crazy dream.Copy !req
222. Whether it even happened at all.Copy !req
223. That's it.Copy !req
224. Feel like fire flowing through your veins.Copy !req
225. Let it take you where it takes you.Copy !req
226. In the months that followed,
I went to acting school in Oxford.Copy !req
227. I remember when I got in,
I almost broke down crying with happiness.Copy !req
228. But following everything
that had happened in EdinburghCopy !req
229. and despite meeting Keeley,Copy !req
230. going back to a life of learning
seemed like a misstep.Copy !req
231. And as I pranced around in a leotard,
pretending to be fire...Copy !req
232. or doing vocal warm-ups...Copy !req
233. or mimicking animalsCopy !req
234. and basically doing anything
other than fucking acting,Copy !req
235. I felt one of those
impossible-to-articulate feelingsCopy !req
236. in my stomach.Copy !req
237. I missed Darrien.Copy !req
238. I missed the confidence he gave me,
the feeling of relevancy,Copy !req
239. of hope that one day
my life might actually lead somewhere.Copy !req
240. Now, a body in a sea of black,
I felt like a nobody again,Copy !req
241. like I was shrinking from the world
just as I developed a taste for it.Copy !req
242. Donny.Copy !req
243. Coming?Copy !req
244. Yeah.Copy !req
245. I'm sorry, I gotta take this.Copy !req
246. All right, mate? Yeah.Copy !req
247. No, it's great to hear from you.Copy !req
248. Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm... I'm... I'm loving it.
I'm really enjoying myself.Copy !req
249. Um, look, is there a better time to chat?
I'm actually in class right now.Copy !req
250. What? Are you serious?
You want me to write with you?Copy !req
251. I mean, yes, mate. A thousand yeses.
Of course. I mean—Copy !req
252. Donny, what are you playing at?
She's fucking raging in there.Copy !req
253. Yeah, I'll be two seconds, okay?
I'll be two seconds.Copy !req
254. Look, I've gotta go, but yes, 100%.Copy !req
255. Donnie Brasco.Copy !req
256. Sinéad O'Connor.Copy !req
257. It's good to see you.
You all right?Copy !req
258. Yeah. Come in.Copy !req
259. Thanks, yeah.Copy !req
260. Wow, this place is amazing.Copy !req
261. Oh, wow, you've got a cat.Copy !req
262. Fergus. We're very much in love.Copy !req
263. I'm not surprised.Copy !req
264. You're a lovely little fella,
aren't you, Fergus? Hello, mate.Copy !req
265. Cup of tea?Copy !req
266. Okay, so I've actually written up
a few scenes and stuff.Copy !req
267. Um, nothing major.
Still needs a bit of work.Copy !req
268. All right.Copy !req
269. Sixty pages.Copy !req
270. Yeah, didn't take long.Copy !req
271. I tell you what.Copy !req
272. Why don't you give me the gist?
Be a good lesson in pitching.Copy !req
273. Okay, well, it's about
this guy called Nigel,Copy !req
274. a high-flying lawyer who decides,
at the age of 50,Copy !req
275. to try his hand at professional wrestling.Copy !req
276. That's quite niche.Copy !req
277. Really?Copy !req
278. Yeah. Who watches wrestling anymore
who's above the age of six?Copy !req
279. Yeah, no. Not me anyway.Copy !req
280. Continue.Copy !req
281. Anyway, basically, he gets the bug,
and he starts wrestling more and more.Copy !req
282. Soon he is struggling to keep the balance
between his two worlds.Copy !req
283. He starts, like, turning up to court cases
with black eyes,Copy !req
284. or he... he's forgotten
to take his makeup off and, um...Copy !req
285. Well, so he has this choice to make.Copy !req
286. Live his life as a lawyerCopy !req
287. or Hangman Harry,Copy !req
288. the mud-stompin', beer-swillin',
bar-room brawler from Austin, Texas.Copy !req
289. Hangman Harry is his wrestling name.Copy !req
290. Needs more work.Copy !req
291. Oh, but you... you haven't read it.Copy !req
292. I'll read it when you sell it to me.Copy !req
293. - I could sit in another room and try—
- Do you wanna get high?Copy !req
294. - What, here?
Yeah, why not?Copy !req
295. We can go out and grab a drink later.
Be like Edinburgh all over again.Copy !req
296. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
297. Holy shit, you've worked
with some comedy legends.Copy !req
298. - What are they like?
- Average.Copy !req
299. No, you can't mean that.
They're amazing.Copy !req
300. I mean, some of them would be in
my top five dinner-party guests for sure.Copy !req
301. Ever played that game?Copy !req
302. You can invite anyone you want for dinner,
but you can only pick five.Copy !req
303. Ugh, sounds horrible.
My home's a sacred space.Copy !req
304. Takes someone very special
to be allowed in.Copy !req
305. Come on, that's a cop-out answer.
Who would they be?Copy !req
306. Well, they wouldn't be celebrities.Copy !req
307. They'd be leaders,
gurus, spiritually awake.Copy !req
308. That, or me around each place.Copy !req
309. Six of you at one party. Jesus,
I can imagine how many drugs there'd be.Copy !req
310. I'll tell you mine.Copy !req
311. Gervais, Sacha Baron Cohen, Julia Davis,Copy !req
312. Coogan or Pryor,
and, I don't know, Gandhi or someoneCopy !req
313. because you need to look virtuous.Copy !req
314. - Do you wanna get really high?
- Fuck yeah.Copy !req
315. No, like, really high.Copy !req
316. Fuck yeah.Copy !req
317. - What was their secret, by the way?
What do you mean?Copy !req
318. What did they all do
to get where they are today?Copy !req
319. Listen to me.Copy !req
320. I'm serious.Copy !req
321. They threw themselves
into everything I asked of them.Copy !req
322. Wow, that's... that's awesome.Copy !req
323. Here. Come sit next to me.Copy !req
324. What's all this?Copy !req
325. This is a bomb of MDMA.Copy !req
326. And this is GHB. It's a relaxant.Copy !req
327. - It relaxes you.
- Yeah.Copy !req
328. Trust me.
You haven't experienced anything like it.Copy !req
329. I haven't experienced anything like you,
that's for sure.Copy !req
330. Fucking hell. That's disgusting.Copy !req
331. Little pain for a little gain.Copy !req
332. The first time I came up
was like nothing I'd ever experienced.Copy !req
333. It felt like a beam of divine light
shone down from space,Copy !req
334. through Darrien's roof
and into his living room,Copy !req
335. exactly where I was sitting,Copy !req
336. as warm Indian Ocean waves
passed up and down my body.Copy !req
337. And on that couch,
Darrien spoke about my talentsCopy !req
338. in the same vein
as all my comedy heroes growing up.Copy !req
339. You've got a big future ahead of you.Copy !req
340. A very big future.Copy !req
341. With every sentence he said
and every drug I took,Copy !req
342. I started to believe it, smell it,Copy !req
343. taste it, even.Copy !req
344. That my dreams were quantifiable.Copy !req
345. That I could almost grasp them
as they untangled before me.Copy !req
346. No time to wait around.Copy !req
347. You don't mind, do you?Copy !req
348. No.Copy !req
349. Oh shit.Copy !req
350. What?Copy !req
351. What's wrong?Copy !req
352. I think I'm gonna puke.Copy !req
353. No. Not in the cat bowl.Copy !req
354. You okay?Copy !req
355. Let me pat your back.
- Oh, thank you. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
356. Oh God. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
357. Stop!Copy !req
358. Will almond milk do?Copy !req
359. There you go. That'll sort you out.Copy !req
360. I'm really sorry about that.Copy !req
361. It's okay. We'll go slower next time.Copy !req
362. I would love to pretend
that's as far as it went.Copy !req
363. Hey, mate. How's it going?Copy !req
364. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm good.Copy !req
365. Look, I'm about to go into class,
so if it—Copy !req
366. What?Copy !req
367. What? The channel have Hangman Harry?Copy !req
368. Holy shit. They love it?
That's fucking...Copy !req
369. Yeah, yeah, that... that's incredible. I...Copy !req
370. Oh, you want me to—Copy !req
371. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
No, that makes sense.Copy !req
372. Yeah. No, sure, yeah. I'll come.Copy !req
373. - That's huge.
- Yeah. That's great. Thank you.Copy !req
374. To have a massive channel backing you
this early in your career.Copy !req
375. Darrien took me through
everything the channel said,Copy !req
376. and I beamed from ear to earCopy !req
377. as he spoke of series commissions
and option periodsCopy !req
378. and all these fabulous things
I didn't understand,Copy !req
379. that by the time he cracked out the drugs,
I said yes without hesitation.Copy !req
380. I thought I'd blown it, you know.Copy !req
381. What?Copy !req
382. This.Copy !req
383. When I threw up.Copy !req
384. Don't be silly.Copy !req
385. It'd take a lot more than vomit
for me to be put off with your talents.Copy !req
386. Thank you.Copy !req
387. Thank you so much.Copy !req
388. If there's anything I can do...Copy !req
389. Just... keep dreaming.Copy !req
390. Oh.Copy !req
391. That's easy.Copy !req
392. After I'd moved
to London with Keeley,Copy !req
393. I started taking drugs at Darrien's house
almost every weekend.Copy !req
394. Here. We'll start off
with the usual MDMA.Copy !req
395. I had fully drunk
the Kool-Aid of his promises,Copy !req
396. of believing that success
was right around the corner.Copy !req
397. That I would have my own show by 30.Copy !req
398. A millionaire around the same time.Copy !req
399. All stuff he said to meCopy !req
400. before he spoon-fed me
the latest chemical.Copy !req
401. I went from a guy
who had smoked a bit of weedCopy !req
402. to week-long benders, high on crack.Copy !req
403. Chase the high. Don't be scared.Copy !req
404. And meth.Copy !req
405. You'll embrace
your creative potential.Copy !req
406. And heroin.Copy !req
407. You're going places.Copy !req
408. When you take enough
to reach that planeCopy !req
409. where all thought stops
and euphoria begins,Copy !req
410. talk of the future and fame and happinessCopy !req
411. feel almost as real as the chemicals
that flow through your body.Copy !req
412. It was only
a matter of time now, surely.Copy !req
413. I passed out many times in his company.Copy !req
414. I would often wake
to find him lying next to me,Copy !req
415. his hands and mouth in various places
as he searched around my body.Copy !req
416. I would stumble to the bathroom
and find his putrid spitCopy !req
417. congealed around my genital area.Copy !req
418. Then every Monday
he was back to his cold, callous self,Copy !req
419. giving me brutal script notes
and making me do overnight rewritesCopy !req
420. on a comedown, for no money,Copy !req
421. while I coughed up
my latest throat infection.Copy !req
422. And still I went back.Copy !req
423. - You're not spending my birthday with me?
- No, I'm going round Darrien's.Copy !req
424. What the hell, Donny?
Is this not a little bit strange to you?Copy !req
425. I don't wanna go away with your friends.
I can't fucking afford it.Copy !req
426. So instead you're going
to an old writer's house to take drugs.Copy !req
427. I know it doesn't make sense to you.
But he's helping me with my career.Copy !req
428. What's he done? You've worked in a bar
since you came to London.Copy !req
429. - You do everything for him for free.
- I don't have time for this conversation.Copy !req
430. That night,
Darrien presented me with acid.Copy !req
431. I'll take half of one.
You take one and a half.Copy !req
432. I'll act as your guide so you feel safe.Copy !req
433. Let the music
take you where it wants to.Copy !req
434. I sometimes
think back to this image,Copy !req
435. me, mid-twenties, sitting high as a kite,Copy !req
436. watching this 55-year-old manCopy !req
437. dancing this odd Amazonian jig
in front of me,Copy !req
438. when somebody asks me the question,Copy !req
439. "How did you get into comedy?"Copy !req
440. Keep telling me
what you're seeing.Copy !req
441. Shimmering colors.
The... outline of something.Copy !req
442. So I'm a phoenix right now?Copy !req
443. Is that what you're seeing?Copy !req
444. It's important that you see me
as something strong.Copy !req
445. A phoenix. A knight.Copy !req
446. Maybe one of those wrestlers
that you like.Copy !req
447. Suddenly, seemingly from nowhere,Copy !req
448. this clear, strong thought
entered my head.Copy !req
449. - "He's trying to control your mind."
- What's wrong?Copy !req
450. "This man is bad.
This situation is bad. Get out now."Copy !req
451. Fuck!Copy !req
452. - Fuck!
What's the matter?Copy !req
453. What's wrong?Copy !req
454. I can't see. All I can see is white.Copy !req
455. It's fine. It's fine. It's rebirth.Copy !req
456. - I can't see. I can't fucking see.
- You're safe with me.Copy !req
457. My subconscious,
that I'd been repressing this entire time,Copy !req
458. had reared its head to shine the most
obvious light on a fucked-up situation.Copy !req
459. What's happening to you?Copy !req
460. - This is bad. I'm being told this is bad.
- It's paranoia.Copy !req
461. - Fight against it.
- Turn the music off.Copy !req
462. It's off, it's off.Copy !req
463. Agh, fuck!Copy !req
464. Fuck!Copy !req
465. Oh fuck!Copy !req
466. The fucking... Oh God! The fucking music!Copy !req
467. Agh, fuck!Copy !req
468. Have this.Copy !req
469. No.
It'll help take the edge off.Copy !req
470. You've had it before. It relaxes you.Copy !req
471. No. No, try to keep it in.Copy !req
472. Swallow. Swallow.Copy !req
473. That's good. That's good.Copy !req
474. That was strong! That was strong!Copy !req
475. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
476. There.Copy !req
477. Breathe into my hand. Breathe.Copy !req
478. It's okay.Copy !req
479. It's okay. This is part of it.Copy !req
480. It's all part of it.Copy !req
481. Shh, shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
482. Shh.Copy !req
483. Relax.Copy !req
484. Relax.Copy !req
485. It's fine.Copy !req
486. No.Copy !req
487. - No.Copy !req
488. How'd you find it?Copy !req
489. You should shower.
A wash in warm water will do you good.Copy !req
490. Fuck!Copy !req
491. Can I come in?Copy !req
492. Come here.Copy !req
493. I would love to say I left.Copy !req
494. That I stormed out and never went back.
But I stayed for days afterwards.Copy !req
495. In fact, come Monday,
I got an eye infectionCopy !req
496. and lay on his floor
as he bathed it in salt water.Copy !req
497. On Tuesday, I fed his cat
while he took phone calls.Copy !req
498. On Wednesday, I finally went home.Copy !req
499. Hey, what's wrong?Copy !req
500. Oh, nothing. I just feel bad
for how we left things.Copy !req
501. What bothered me most
was the not knowing.Copy !req
502. What happened
all those moments I passed out?Copy !req
503. Are you okay?Copy !req
504. Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah.Copy !req
505. Did he ever believe in me, or was
this whole thing preplanned manipulation?Copy !req
506. Was he sober the entire time?Copy !req
507. And what was he getting from it?
Was it simply a desire to corrupt?Copy !req
508. To achieve whatever his sick mind
wanted to achieve?Copy !req
509. Was that the turn-on, to ruin my life?Copy !req
510. Uh, look, do you wanna watch something
instead? I'm... I'm not feeling it.Copy !req
511. No, shut up.Copy !req
512. I... I... I'm sorry.
It's... it's... it's just not happening today.Copy !req
513. - It didn't happen yesterday either.
- Maybe I need to take a break from it all.Copy !req
514. What? A break from sex or from me?Copy !req
515. Wow.Copy !req
516. Okay.Copy !req
517. After Keeley moved out,
I fell to pieces.Copy !req
518. Now all that was left to do
was stare at the memory of what happened.Copy !req
519. I started to feel
this overwhelming sexual confusionCopy !req
520. crashing through my body.Copy !req
521. I thought it might pass,
but it became an insecurity,Copy !req
522. which grew into
a raging madness within me.Copy !req
523. I could never tell whether these feelings
were because of himCopy !req
524. or whether they always existed deep down.Copy !req
525. Did it all happen because I was giving off
some vibe I wasn't aware of?Copy !req
526. Or did what happen make me this way?Copy !req
527. I would feel like
everyone who looked at meCopy !req
528. could see what I was going through.Copy !req
529. Like they were peering into my soul,Copy !req
530. seeing the rape
and the doubts and the confusion.Copy !req
531. Like my eyes were these windowsCopy !req
532. onto the most tightly-held secret
of my life.Copy !req
533. I would dream of killing him,Copy !req
534. chopping his cock off or his tongue out,
whichever had done me the most damage,Copy !req
535. and burning his body to the ground.Copy !req
536. So after months
of hate and anger and confusion,Copy !req
537. I was left with no choice.Copy !req
538. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
539. I orgasmed quickly,Copy !req
540. in such a way that there was no denying
my desires were shifting.Copy !req
541. Every day, the laptop called me to it.Copy !req
542. I felt confused. I felt angry.Copy !req
543. I felt like I was going through puberty
all over again.Copy !req
544. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
545. I started having reckless sex
with people of all gendersCopy !req
546. in this desperate pursuit of the truth.Copy !req
547. I would put myself in fucked-up situations
where I'd almost risk being raped againCopy !req
548. in this attempt
to understand the first time.Copy !req
549. Like if I'm passed around like a whore,Copy !req
550. then I might at least shed this idea
that my body is part of me somehow.Copy !req
551. Like who cares
if it happened before?Copy !req
552. It's happened a ton of times now,
so what does it matter?Copy !req
553. But it mattered.Copy !req
554. It mattered
because this is what he wanted.Copy !req
555. This is what he saw in me all along.Copy !req
556. Then a feeling so bitter
I could almost catch it in my throat.Copy !req
557. That he'd been vindicated somehow.Copy !req
558. Now I was stuck,Copy !req
559. surrounded by pilsner misogynists
so heteronormativeCopy !req
560. I could do nothing
but crave their approval.Copy !req
561. It was the stormiest weather.Copy !req
562. So many times I've been to Mallorca.
It's beautiful.Copy !req
563. You can have these all-inclusive things
where you just...Copy !req
564. Everything is for free. Like, everything.Copy !req
565. Dates and relationships
by the dozen.Copy !req
566. All of which started off
in the gutter of what happened.Copy !req
567. but I think I'm gonna stick with...Copy !req
568. I wasn't interested in love.
I had no capacity for it anymore.Copy !req
569. I just wanted these people
to provide fucking answers.Copy !req
570. You know in Mallorca, when they ask
if you want to do aqua aerobics?Copy !req
571. You don't need to ask me
five million times—Copy !req
572. Excuse me, sorry. Can I...
I'm just gonna nip to the bathroom.Copy !req
573. I'll be right back, yeah?Copy !req
574. As I spurned and alienated
every single one of them.Copy !req
575. You could do a 360,
screech around the place, just zoom off.Copy !req
576. A lot of people,
they've gone back to shooting film now.Copy !req
577. I think I'm just gonna stick to digital.Copy !req
578. Until I met...Copy !req
579. Hey.Copy !req
580. You're cuter in person
than you are online.Copy !req
581. Honestly, some of the dates I've been on,Copy !req
582. the guys turn up 15 years older
than their profile picture.Copy !req
583. She was everything I wanted.
Everything I needed.Copy !req
584. Smart, funny, confident, strong.Copy !req
585. Come back with me tonight.Copy !req
586. But with every hand-hold
or lingering stareCopy !req
587. came a crushing sense of anger and shameCopy !req
588. that I was falling in love with her,Copy !req
589. that I couldn't hide in anonymity anymore.Copy !req
590. Just don't tell Tony.Copy !req
591. And, perhaps most bitter of all,Copy !req
592. that I might not feel this way
if he hadn't done what he did.Copy !req
593. But when Martha turned up,Copy !req
594. all that confusion faded...Copy !req
595. as she reached, seemingly without effort,Copy !req
596. into the darkest pockets of my insecurity
and turned them to light.Copy !req
597. Should be illegal to have
your bone structure too.Copy !req
598. They should tax you for it. Man tax.Copy !req
599. Martha saw me
the way I wanted to be seen.Copy !req
600. So when it came to the point
of going to the police,Copy !req
601. I just couldn't stand the irony
of reporting her but not him.Copy !req
602. Can I help you?Copy !req
603. There was always a sense that
she was ill, that she couldn't help it,Copy !req
604. whereas he was
a pernicious, manipulative groomer.Copy !req
605. To admit to her was to admit to him.Copy !req
606. And I hadn't admitted him to anyone yet.Copy !req
607. - So when the policeman asked...
- Why'd it take you so long to report it?Copy !req
608. I don't know.Copy !req
609. Go home,
look through her emails,Copy !req
610. and when you find
something of significance, come back.Copy !req
611. Until then, unless we see
some proper evidence,Copy !req
612. there's nothing we can do.Copy !req
613. And with that,
I was back to square one.Copy !req