1. I couldn't believe I had done it.Copy !req
2. Was it a moment of madness
or an attempt at self-destruction?Copy !req
3. I wasn't sure.Copy !req
4. I went to unfriend her many times,
but I always stopped myself.Copy !req
5. She is ill, misunderstood.
There are two sides to every story.Copy !req
6. If you aren't living a life worth living,
then can someone ruin it at all?Copy !req
7. Then came the comments on all my photos,Copy !req
8. some as far back
as when I first opened the account.Copy !req
9. Jealous remarks on photos
with my ex-girlfriend Keeley,Copy !req
10. alongside these bizarre captions
describing my every move.Copy !req
11. Well, Tony, whatever you're doing,
it's working.Copy !req
12. What do you mean?Copy !req
13. I'm just saying,Copy !req
14. we've met six times now.Copy !req
15. All you do is crack jokes
then leave early.Copy !req
16. A girl should be insulted,
but I hate that it intrigues me.Copy !req
17. Well, I like to take it slow.
I'm a gentleman in that respect.Copy !req
18. You never walk me to the Tube.
You never tell me about your life.Copy !req
19. You're not on Facebook.Copy !req
20. I can't tell if you're genuineCopy !req
21. or I'm gonna wake up one day
inside a true-crime podcast.Copy !req
22. Well, what do you wanna know?Copy !req
23. Mmm.Copy !req
24. Tell me why you always insist
on coming here.Copy !req
25. Well, lots of reasons. Great atmosphere.Copy !req
26. Yes, you can always judge a great barCopy !req
27. by how many people
are reading the Financial Times.Copy !req
28. It's so dark too. I feel all I do
is squint at you all evening.Copy !req
29. Ah, well, don't squint, then.
Just let your eyes fuzz.Copy !req
30. I really come into my own
when I'm in a soft focus.Copy !req
31. You're so weird.Copy !req
32. - Am I?
- It's fine. I like weird.Copy !req
33. We're all varying degrees of weird,
aren't we? Pretending to be human.Copy !req
34. Ah, that's good, that is.
Yeah, I'll use that.Copy !req
35. Mm. Philosophy go down well
on the construction site, does it, Tony?Copy !req
36. I met Teri by signing up
to a trans dating website.Copy !req
37. I changed my name from Donny to TonyCopy !req
38. and invented a job and an entire persona
as a means of keeping myself disguised.Copy !req
39. I hated myself for doing it,Copy !req
40. but I just couldn't bear
the thought of anyone finding out.Copy !req
41. I never expected to fall in love.Copy !req
42. - Hi.
- Hey.Copy !req
43. She was brilliant.
Fierce, witty, unashamed.Copy !req
44. Everything I was not.Copy !req
45. A therapist who moved to London
six years agoCopy !req
46. and was now working
in the heart of the city.Copy !req
47. The more we laughed and chatted
and wound down the clock until morning,Copy !req
48. the more and more I fell for her.Copy !req
49. You know something's rightCopy !req
50. when you get that tingly feeling
behind your eyes when you talk to them.Copy !req
51. But then I would think about
bumping into someone I knew together,Copy !req
52. from the pub or from the comedy world,Copy !req
53. that they could tell somehow
that I was dating a trans woman,Copy !req
54. and I just couldn't move past
the bullshit of my shame.Copy !req
55. So when it came to meeting outside,Copy !req
56. I kept our dates to a dim cocktail bar
on the edge of town.Copy !req
57. Well,Copy !req
58. Tony,Copy !req
59. are you gonna say something?Copy !req
60. I always meant to tell her
about Tony,Copy !req
61. but the more I fell for her,
the more I found myself putting it off.Copy !req
62. There he is. Frankie, baby.Copy !req
63. Martha. Um...Copy !req
64. Uh, hi.Copy !req
65. Honestly, where were you last night?
You need to tell me if you're not working.Copy !req
66. Kept thinking of you floating
in that canal somewhere, face down.Copy !req
67. The one you go through
when you walk to the bus from work.Copy !req
68. All sorts of weird fuckers down that way.
Junkies and thieves. All kinds.Copy !req
69. Asians.Copy !req
70. - You should be careful.
- Uh...Copy !req
71. Oh my God, been loving
your Facebook page by the way.Copy !req
72. Don't know what I think
of the tarts you surround yourself with.Copy !req
73. That Keeley Leigh one in particular.Copy !req
74. The way she's always hugging you
and burrowing her nose into your nape.Copy !req
75. I mean, how desperate can one tart be?Copy !req
76. Can you imagine it?Copy !req
77. Uh...Copy !req
78. So, who are you texting?Copy !req
79. - I'm sorry?
- Wasn't that Keeley bint, was it?Copy !req
80. No, Martha. If you must know,
Keeley's just an old friend, okay?Copy !req
81. Men and women can't be friends.Copy !req
82. You fucking her?Copy !req
83. What? No, Martha, I'm not.
Now, will you drop it, please?Copy !req
84. Oh my God. I'm sorry, reindeer.Copy !req
85. I'm a nightmare, I know.
I was getting carried away with myself.Copy !req
86. I'm just not very good
with competition, see?Copy !req
87. Tends to bring out the worst in me.Copy !req
88. - How so?
- Oh, lots of ways, really.Copy !req
89. I find myself getting lost on the Internet
trying to find out everything about them.Copy !req
90. But don't worry, reindeer.
I know you're single.Copy !req
91. You don't sing into a girl's soul
like that with a tart on the side.Copy !req
92. That'd be cruel.Copy !req
93. I wouldn't abide by that.Copy !req
94. Anyway, I'll get you inside.Copy !req
95. I couldn't sleep that night
for fear of Martha finding out about Teri.Copy !req
96. What would happen then?Copy !req
97. I made a vow
to keep them as far apart as possible.Copy !req
98. I figured the easier thing to do
would be to keep Teri away from Martha.Copy !req
99. Hey, Teri!Copy !req
100. What are you doing here?Copy !req
101. Holy shit.Copy !req
102. There's, like, hundreds just today.Copy !req
103. Have you read all these?Copy !req
104. No, there's not enough time in the day
to read all of them.Copy !req
105. Some of these are...Copy !req
106. I mean, she's clearly unwell.Copy !req
107. Yeah. That's why I think
we should lay low for a while.Copy !req
108. Why does she call you Donny?Copy !req
109. Oh, she... she calls me lots of things. Um...Copy !req
110. Funny bones, nipple-head—Copy !req
111. Baby reindeer?Copy !req
112. I'm assuming she's not a lawyer.Copy !req
113. No, she can't be.
Spends all day sitting in the Heart.Copy !req
114. The Heart? The pub in Camden?Copy !req
115. - Uh, what did I say?
The Heart.Copy !req
116. Is that where you met?Copy !req
117. Uh, yeah, I'm just trying
to remember, actually.Copy !req
118. Well, there's only one Heart in Camden.Copy !req
119. I don't go there anymore.Copy !req
120. According to these,
you were there yesterday.Copy !req
121. I wasn't. She's just lying.Copy !req
122. What are the police saying to all this?Copy !req
123. Oh, I... I don't think it merits...Copy !req
124. I mean, it's not that bad.Copy !req
125. But bad enough
that we need to lay low for a while.Copy !req
126. Why haven't you reported this?Copy !req
127. I don't know. She's just batty.Copy !req
128. I mean, apart from a few random emails,
it really isn't all that much.Copy !req
129. I just didn't wanna drag you into it.Copy !req
130. Not that much?Copy !req
131. She's a fantasist who's fabricated
an entire identity for herself.Copy !req
132. Does that not scream alarm bells, Tony?Copy !req
133. I don't know about that.
People lie for all sorts of reasons.Copy !req
134. Not like this they don't.Copy !req
135. Promise me you'll shut this down.Copy !req
136. Because I'm not hiding from anyone.Copy !req
137. If you don't,
I might have to come to CamdenCopy !req
138. and pay her a visit myself.Copy !req
139. It was like some crazy nightmare,
where each lie and wrong decisionCopy !req
140. somehow bound Martha and Teri
closer together.Copy !req
141. Like the universe was punishing meCopy !req
142. every single time I tried
to cower my way out of the situation.Copy !req
143. Jeezo, nipple!Copy !req
144. Fifteen minutes I've been here
worrying my head off about you.Copy !req
145. Honestly! You need to tell me
when you're running late.Copy !req
146. At least give me your goddamn phone number
so I won't have to worry so much.Copy !req
147. Come on, you know the drill, nipple.Copy !req
148. Quick Diet Coke to wet the whistle,
and I'll be offski.Copy !req
149. £2.50, please.Copy !req
150. - You never charge me.
- I have to.Copy !req
151. - I can't afford it.
- Thought you were a lawyer, no?Copy !req
152. What you being weird for?Copy !req
153. I'm not. I just think it's time
we drew a few boundaries.Copy !req
154. You said about the curtains.Copy !req
155. I know. That was a joke.
I'm a comedian. I make jokes.Copy !req
156. What? So...Copy !req
157. this has all been...
one big wind-up, has it?Copy !req
158. Crazy Martha... with her big brain.
Joke's on her?Copy !req
159. No, no, it's... it's not like that.Copy !req
160. You've said a lot of shit to me, reindeer.Copy !req
161. Yeah. No, Martha, uh, please don't cry.Copy !req
162. What?Copy !req
163. Are you saying
you've never had feelings for me?Copy !req
164. No. No, I'm not saying that, obviously.Copy !req
165. - I think you're... great. It's just...Copy !req
166. What is it?Copy !req
167. - Well, what is it?
- The age gap.Copy !req
168. But there's not that much of an age gap.Copy !req
169. Yeah, but by the time I want kids,Copy !req
170. you know, like a big family,
it's... it's... it's gonna matter.Copy !req
171. Oh, that'd be tricky.Copy !req
172. Yeah.Copy !req
173. This fucking world.Copy !req
174. All it does is take from you.Copy !req
175. That night, Martha flooded
my account with email after emailCopy !req
176. detailing periods, tampons, blood clots,Copy !req
177. reinforcing this image of her fertility.Copy !req
178. There was no excuse now, in her eyes.Copy !req
179. We were becoming a thing.Copy !req
180. Quick! Reindeer!Copy !req
181. Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Open!Copy !req
182. Every morning now,
Martha would arriveCopy !req
183. exactly two hours before the pub opened.Copy !req
184. Then all day
she would trail me around the bar,Copy !req
185. talking endlessly
about our future together.Copy !req
186. I've thought hard about it,
and my answer's yes.Copy !req
187. - Yes to what?
- Kids, marriage, the full nine yards.Copy !req
188. I never said anything about marriage.Copy !req
189. Everywhere I turned,
she just seemed to be there,Copy !req
190. popping up at the most inopportune moments
to talk about our future together.Copy !req
191. Our wedding day,
what we were gonna call our kids...Copy !req
192. I think I can do three if we move quickly.Copy !req
193. I've even been thinking
of what to call them too. Here.Copy !req
194. the image of which horrified me
almost as much as the names she'd chosen.Copy !req
195. I tried to distance myself,Copy !req
196. but she still persevered
with the same dead-eyed commitment.Copy !req
197. - Need a hand, Frankie baby?
- What? No, I'm fine.Copy !req
198. Do you like that? "Frankie baby"?Copy !req
199. From the duet. Frankie Sinatra.
He had a gorgeous tush too.Copy !req
200. - Boop.
- I've got hot fucking plates in my hand.Copy !req
201. - Will you stop fussing around me?
- I've got tickets to the semifinal.Copy !req
202. What?Copy !req
203. Tickets. For your competition.
Gonna come down and empty my lungs.Copy !req
204. Been learning a new duet too.
I'm thinking Kylie and Jason this time.Copy !req
205. - You're coming to the competition?
Absolutely.Copy !req
206. And I thought, after your semi,
I could give you a full erection.Copy !req
207. We need to bar Martha.Copy !req
208. What? No chance.Copy !req
209. That'd be like barring
a year's worth of banter.Copy !req
210. Let's be honest, Donny.
You're nothing without her.Copy !req
211. Just hear me out. Gino, can you leave?Copy !req
212. No. What you can say in front of me,
you can say in front of the missus.Copy !req
213. Look, I'm just getting a bad feeling.Copy !req
214. I mean, look at all these emails
she's been sending me. Here.Copy !req
215. Oh man. Oh, shit, man.
That's... That is proper nuts.Copy !req
216. - Get my point?
I don't know.Copy !req
217. Barring is complicated these days.Copy !req
218. Unless you've got evidence,
it can come back on us.Copy !req
219. - How'd she get your email?
- It doesn't matter.Copy !req
220. All that matters is she did get it,Copy !req
221. and now we have all the evidence we need
to bar her, right?Copy !req
222. There's plenty of evidence here.
You read this one?Copy !req
223. Oh no. No, that...
that is brutal.Copy !req
224. - Which one is that?
- The one where you beg her for anal sex.Copy !req
225. - What are you talking about?
- Here.Copy !req
226. Looks to me like you've been
begging her for anal sex, mate.Copy !req
227. You wrote back.
Are you fucking kidding me?Copy !req
228. Shit, you actually sent it.Copy !req
229. Are you stupid? Are you a fucking moron?Copy !req
230. Oh, chill.
She'll see it as a joke.Copy !req
231. It was incredible, really,
just how quicklyCopy !req
232. things seemed to be falling apart.Copy !req
233. Oh.Copy !req
234. Hi, is that Jason?Copy !req
235. Hi, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's Donny. I'm just, um...Copy !req
236. I... I'm sorry to call so late.Copy !req
237. I'm just wondering if I can move
my semifinal to the other date?Copy !req
238. Yeah, I have to tend to some family shit,
which means I can't do the current one.Copy !req
239. Oh man, you're a hero!Copy !req
240. Thanks, Jase. Can I call you Jase?Copy !req
241. All right. Thanks, Jason. Bye, mate. Bye.Copy !req
242. Oh, wow! You made it.Copy !req
243. I picked the gayest bar intentionally
just to see if you'd crack.Copy !req
244. I know you did. So what do I do?
Do I avoid breathing in the air particles?Copy !req
245. Oh, shut up!Copy !req
246. You'd be pretty damn intolerable
if you didn't get irony.Copy !req
247. - I'll take that as a compliment.
- Mmm, you should.Copy !req
248. Did I give you consent
to put your arms around my waist?Copy !req
249. You did, actually, when you turned up
in that skimpy little dress.Copy !req
250. Are you drunk already?Copy !req
251. Ah, just on love.Copy !req
252. Oh, go away.Copy !req
253. - I'm serious. You should meet her someday.Copy !req
254. Oh my God, I fucking love this song.
Come on, let's dance. Let's dance.Copy !req
255. - I didn't have you down as a dancer.
- I'm not but I'll drag you down with me.Copy !req
256. Honestly, what have you done with him?
Where's Tony?Copy !req
257. I'm his twin.
He sends me to seal the deal for him.Copy !req
258. Well, tell him that's illegal.Copy !req
259. What is?Copy !req
260. Sleeping with someone
under a false identity.Copy !req
261. Is it?Copy !req
262. Yeah, of course.Copy !req
263. What's your name, then, twinny?Copy !req
264. Uh, Donny.Copy !req
265. Oh.Copy !req
266. Weird. That's what Martha calls you.Copy !req
267. Yeah, um...Copy !req
268. Are you okay?Copy !req
269. Yeah. Yeah. Um, tell you what,
let me just, um...Copy !req
270. One second, yeah?Copy !req
271. Fuck's sake!Copy !req
272. Are you okay?Copy !req
273. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
Um, shall we get a drink?Copy !req
274. I think you should maybe slow down a bit.Copy !req
275. - Okay.
Here. Sit.Copy !req
276. Have some water.Copy !req
277. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
278. Did something happen to you today?
You seem troubled.Copy !req
279. No, I'm fine.Copy !req
280. Martha, by any chance?Copy !req
281. Something tells me I'm gonna enjoy this.Copy !req
282. No, I just, um...
I thought I'd let her down gentlyCopy !req
283. by making out
that I wanted kids and stuff.Copy !req
284. Oh, this gets better and better.Copy !req
285. - Do you wanna know what I think?
- I think you're gonna tell me anyway.Copy !req
286. I think you're enjoying this.Copy !req
287. You've read a few emails.
Stop acting like you know the situation.Copy !req
288. You know, I googled her.Copy !req
289. Why didn't you tell me
that she'd been to jail before?Copy !req
290. Didn't seem relevant.Copy !req
291. See what I mean?Copy !req
292. Any sane person who was getting stalked
by a violent ex-convictCopy !req
293. wouldn't hesitate to go to the police.Copy !req
294. But not you.Copy !req
295. To you, she's harmless.Copy !req
296. To you, she's sympathetic.Copy !req
297. To you, it's not relevant?Copy !req
298. I'm just saying, there's a reason
you're keeping her around,Copy !req
299. and maybe it's not so much
who she is, but...Copy !req
300. what she gives you.Copy !req
301. Because let's be honest,Copy !req
302. love is most comforting, isn't it,
when it's felt one way.Copy !req
303. Why else do you think I'm here?Copy !req
304. You're a tremendous liar.Copy !req
305. Come back with me tonight.Copy !req
306. Just don't tell Tony.Copy !req
307. Okay.Copy !req
308. Sometimes you create
such a web of lies that you almost forgetCopy !req
309. what you started running from
in the first place.Copy !req
310. But here I was,
the woman of my dreams before me,Copy !req
311. Tony the builder,
four stops away from a sex crime.Copy !req
312. Oh my God.Copy !req
313. I'm way drunker than I thought I was.Copy !req
314. Annoyingly, just as my sobriety returns.Copy !req
315. Oh my God, I'm so sorry!Copy !req
316. Just keep still, will you?Copy !req
317. I think I just stepped
on an old lady.Copy !req
318. Just... just keep it down a bit, yeah?Copy !req
319. You care too much.Copy !req
320. I don't encourage drug addiction,
but I think it might be good for you.Copy !req
321. Here, give me your hands.Copy !req
322. When you do your building work,
do you put a new set of hands on?Copy !req
323. What do you mean?Copy !req
324. It's just they're not very calloused
for a builder.Copy !req
325. Oh, these are my wanking hands.
I swap them round every day.Copy !req
326. You ever tried wanking
with calloused hands?Copy !req
327. I was rather looking forward to it.Copy !req
328. What's it gonna take
for you to finally give me a proper kiss?Copy !req
329. Sorry, what was that?Copy !req
330. Kiss me.Copy !req
331. It is so devastating to think
of yourself as a progressive person,Copy !req
332. only to realize
you're a coward underneath it all.Copy !req
333. But when you spend so long
swallowing your shame,Copy !req
334. it is so hard to stop it
becoming part of you.Copy !req
335. You filthy fucker.Copy !req
336. I've never taken it up the chufter,
but I might make concessions for you.Copy !req
337. Please, Martha. I just need to go home.Copy !req
338. You got a choice, boy.Copy !req
339. Kids or bum fun.Copy !req
340. 'Cause I don't know what they taught you
in those Fife comprehensives,Copy !req
341. but if you stick it in the two,Copy !req
342. then you don't get the 2.4.Copy !req
343. - Do you know what I mean?
- Martha, just go back home.Copy !req
344. You're really getting on my nerves
with this dilly-dally, hot-and-cold shit!Copy !req
345. - Get out of my way, Martha.
No!Copy !req
346. I've already given parts of myself
away to you.Copy !req
347. So the least you can do
is piece me back togetherCopy !req
348. with some bloody justification.Copy !req
349. Because let me tell you this for size.Copy !req
350. Men who don't fancy meCopy !req
351. are either blind or gay.Copy !req
352. I don't see you reaching for the banister
when you climb the stairs.Copy !req
353. No, I'm not fucking gay, Martha. Jesus.Copy !req
354. Then stop pushing me away.Copy !req
355. I can help you, you know?Copy !req
356. Help with what?Copy !req
357. The person.Copy !req
358. - The one that hurt you.
- I don't know what you're talking about.Copy !req
359. It was a man, wasn't it?Copy !req
360. What did he do to you?Copy !req
361. Okay, I'm just gonna leave, yeah?Copy !req
362. I'm just gonna turn and walk away,
and you're not to follow.Copy !req
363. Do you understand?Copy !req
364. Good.Copy !req
365. I'm not playing here, Martha.Copy !req
366. Yes, you are, Mr. Blobby. Tag!Copy !req
367. - What the fuck are you doing?
- Do you like it? Mr. Blobby.Copy !req
368. I'm Mrs. Blobby
'cause I'm always on the blob.Copy !req
369. - Tag!
- Get off me.Copy !req
370. Tag!
- Fuck off.Copy !req
371. - Tag!
- I'm serious, Martha. Get off me!Copy !req
372. I'm not messing here.
Keep your hands to yourself.Copy !req
373. Jesus fucking Christ.Copy !req
374. Oh, fuck's sake.
I'm serious, Martha. Stop right now.Copy !req
375. Fucking back off!Copy !req
376. - Martha.Copy !req
377. Martha, what are you doing?Copy !req
378. Tag!
- What the fuck?Copy !req
379. - Tag!
- I told you to stop!Copy !req
380. Martha, I'm serious.
Keep your fucking hands to yourself.Copy !req
381. - Fuck off—
- Tag!Copy !req
382. Martha, wait. Just stop.Copy !req
383. Keep still.Copy !req
384. You're beating.Copy !req
385. I'm making you beat.Copy !req