1. Can I help you?
- Uh, yeah. Um...Copy !req
2. I would like to report something.
How does it work?Copy !req
3. What would you like to report?Copy !req
4. I don't know how to tell you this,
but I'm, like, I'm getting stalked.Copy !req
5. - By a man or a woman?
- A woman.Copy !req
6. Have you had a sexual relationship
with this woman?Copy !req
7. No, I... I haven't.
She's a bit older than me.Copy !req
8. Age is generally not a factor we consider.Copy !req
9. No, of course. I can assure you, though,
I... I absolutely haven't.Copy !req
10. Okay. You say this woman's stalking you?Copy !req
11. Yeah. She comes to my work.
She comes to my house.Copy !req
12. She sends me emails, like...
like all the time.Copy !req
13. Are any threatening towards ya?Copy !req
14. Oh, I'm sure. I mean... I mean,
let me just open up a random one. Here.Copy !req
15. I wouldn't say
that's particularly threatening.Copy !req
16. They're...
they're in here somewhere.Copy !req
17. I just need to sift
through all of the...Copy !req
18. Look, I'm... I'm really worried here.Copy !req
19. I think she needs help.Copy !req
20. How long has it been going on?Copy !req
21. I don't know, like...Copy !req
22. six months, maybe.Copy !req
23. Six months?Copy !req
24. Why'd it take you so long to report it?Copy !req
25. I felt sorry for her.Copy !req
26. That's the first feeling I felt.Copy !req
27. It's a patronizing, arrogant feeling,Copy !req
28. feeling sorry for someone
you've only just laid eyes on,Copy !req
29. but I did.Copy !req
30. I felt sorry for her.Copy !req
31. Serve, you twat.
- Yep. Sorry.Copy !req
32. Fiver, please, mate.Copy !req
33. - Cheers, mate. Thank you.
- Thanks.Copy !req
34. - Can I get you something?
- No, thanks.Copy !req
35. Are you sure?Copy !req
36. - Cup of tea?
- No, thanks.Copy !req
37. - You have to buy something.
- Can't afford something.Copy !req
38. - Right. Not even a cup of tea?
- No.Copy !req
39. Right, well...Copy !req
40. How about I give you
a cup of tea on the house?Copy !req
41. All right.Copy !req
42. - So, what do you do?
- I'm a lawyer.Copy !req
43. How'd you get into that, then?Copy !req
44. I trained in criminal law,Copy !req
45. moved to England, retrained,
opened up my own practice,Copy !req
46. won several awards,
now a leading advisor to the government.Copy !req
47. - You own a law firm?
- Amongst other things.Copy !req
48. A flat in Pimlico
overlooking a private garden,Copy !req
49. one in Bexleyheath, two in Belsize Park.Copy !req
50. God doesn't like a bragger,Copy !req
51. but when you're the go-to
for the biggest political minds,Copy !req
52. you've earned a brag or two.Copy !req
53. No, no, I'm not gonna say who,
so don't even go there.Copy !req
54. Fine!Copy !req
55. David Cameron, Nick Clegg, Alex Salmond.
But you didn't hear that from me.Copy !req
56. Wow. You must have amazing dinner parties.Copy !req
57. She had this incredible laugh.
This giddy, slightly disconcerting laugh.Copy !req
58. - Her name was...
- Martha.Copy !req
59. But all I could think was,
if all of this is true,Copy !req
60. then why can't you afford a cup of tea?Copy !req
61. I'd moved to London to fulfil
my lifelong dream of becoming a comedian,Copy !req
62. but for whatever reason found myself
late twenties, working a dead-end jobCopy !req
63. and living rent-free
with my ex-girlfriend's motherCopy !req
64. in a massive house miles out of town.Copy !req
65. I had arrived
with such grand plans to be someone,Copy !req
66. as though my brand
of wacky, bullshit comedyCopy !req
67. was exactly what this world-leading city
was missing.Copy !req
68. So I went vegan recently.Copy !req
69. Had to make some sacrifices.Copy !req
70. It's a mink hat.Copy !req
71. But instead of actual mink,
it's a mink stapled to a hat.Copy !req
72. You're shite!Copy !req
73. Fucking hell.Copy !req
74. But that's the thing with London.
It red-carpets for no one.Copy !req
75. It's like waking up one day
to find yourself a background artistCopy !req
76. in a cast of millions.Copy !req
77. So when someone sees you
through the mire of it all,Copy !req
78. sees you as the person
you came here to be,Copy !req
79. you notice them.Copy !req
80. You notice them noticing you.Copy !req
81. Every day now,
Martha would come in,Copy !req
82. each time with new makeup, new hairstyles,
like a kid playing dress-up.Copy !req
83. She always opened the conversation
by saying...Copy !req
84. I've gotta go.Copy !req
85. but then would stick around
for the entire shift.Copy !req
86. I always thought it was strange
that she painted herself as a busy person,Copy !req
87. as though she could trick meCopy !req
88. into thinking she's not spending
all of her time hanging around.Copy !req
89. Got a busy day today.
AGMs, shareholder meets.Copy !req
90. Then I'm getting my hair buffed,
so can't chat long.Copy !req
91. She always ordered
the same drink every time. A...Copy !req
92. Diet Coke. Plenty ice.Copy !req
93. I always gave it to her
on the house.Copy !req
94. - She never drank her drink.
- I'm representing big clients...Copy !req
95. Instead, she would
sit there on autopilot,Copy !req
96. monologuing breathlessly
about people in her lifeCopy !req
97. without ever explaining who they were.Copy !req
98. I was talking to Steve earlier.Copy !req
99. I was chatting to Joan.
Alan was on the phone.Copy !req
100. Like I knew them already.
Like I was already a part of her life.Copy !req
101. And when she wasn't speaking about themCopy !req
102. or her law firm
or all the famous people she knew,Copy !req
103. she would sit there talking about me.Copy !req
104. You've got really manly hands,
haven't you?Copy !req
105. - Oh yeah?
- Big, deep voice. Chiseled jawline.Copy !req
106. Should be illegal
to have your bone structure too.Copy !req
107. They should tax you for it.
Man tax.Copy !req
108. Everything about her intrigued me.Copy !req
109. Her endless confidence,
her weird turn of phrase,Copy !req
110. the surprising poetry that slipped through
the cracks of her madness.Copy !req
111. Shall we run away together?Copy !req
112. My birthday's coming up.
Want to do something spesh.Copy !req
113. Who says I wanna run away?Copy !req
114. You're already doing it. Some people
run away by packing their bags.Copy !req
115. Others run away by standing
in the same place for too long.Copy !req
116. Sorry.Copy !req
117. Woke up a little gravy this morning.
Not sure what's come over me.Copy !req
118. Then I would look at her
in her most vulnerable moments,Copy !req
119. and I would start to reimagine her past.Copy !req
120. The school balls that no one took her to.Copy !req
121. The time she tried on
wedding dresses for fun.Copy !req
122. Nights lost on social media
perusing the lives of the rich and famous.Copy !req
123. So I don't know what it was in me,
but I started paying her compliments.Copy !req
124. Your birthday's coming up.
Your 21st, is it?Copy !req
125. I'm 42!Copy !req
126. You're 42? Well, you'd better
give Peter Pan his moisturizer back.Copy !req
127. My oh my!Copy !req
128. You've got a silver tongue on you,
you do, devil boy.Copy !req
129. Wouldn't mind teaching you
where to put it.Copy !req
130. What do you say to picnic fun times
this weekend to celebrate?Copy !req
131. The sun's out. Pollen count's low.Copy !req
132. You can get a tan
without getting the sniffles.Copy !req
133. Sure, I'll come picnic with you.Copy !req
134. Oh my!Copy !req
135. Picnic fun times
with my favorite reindeer.Copy !req
136. Give me your number. We can arrange.Copy !req
137. Tell you what,Copy !req
138. name the time and the place,
and I'll get you there.Copy !req
139. I'll be the one
next to the gorgeous brunette.Copy !req
140. Who's that, then?Copy !req
141. Oh! You mean me?Copy !req
142. I began to love her laugh,
obsess with it,Copy !req
143. do everything I could
to eke it out of her.Copy !req
144. It was casual. It was harmless.Copy !req
145. It was becoming a joke around the bar.Copy !req
146. Oi, Donny. Aren't you gonna introduce us
to your girlfriend?Copy !req
147. So is this the one
you've been telling us about?Copy !req
148. - The supermodel?
- You said that? Really?Copy !req
149. Yeah, so come on, Donny. Out with it.
When are you two gonna shag?Copy !req
150. Ah, don't believe in sex before marriage.Copy !req
151. Aw.Copy !req
152. What you waiting for?Copy !req
153. Ask her.Copy !req
154. Yeah. Ask her!Copy !req
155. Ask her! Ask her!
Ask her! Ask her! Ask her!Copy !req
156. What, you not asking?Copy !req
157. I'm marriage material.Copy !req
158. Half of everything makes you rich.Copy !req
159. Just bought a penthouse. Furnished.Copy !req
160. All I need now
is for someone to hang my curtains.Copy !req
161. "Hang her curtains."Copy !req
162. Something about it sounded vaguely sexual.Copy !req
163. I hated lowering myself to their level,Copy !req
164. but I needed a way out
of that painfully awkward situation.Copy !req
165. I'll hang your curtains!Copy !req
166. I wanted her to laugh.Copy !req
167. I wanted her to share in the joke,
but she just didn't.Copy !req
168. I knew then, in that moment,Copy !req
169. that she'd taken it seriously.Copy !req
170. Then came her emails,Copy !req
171. around 80 a day,
continuing long into the night.Copy !req
172. Her address, a random series
of numbers and letters, like spam,Copy !req
173. but the writing, exactly like she spoke.Copy !req
174. Unhesitating, unfiltered.Copy !req
175. Unapologetically raw.Copy !req
176. There were spelling errors
on words much simpler to spellCopy !req
177. than other words she spelled perfectly.Copy !req
178. The fact she has an iPhone,Copy !req
179. even though she didn't
when I saw her texting at the bar.Copy !req
180. Look what I got, reindeer,Copy !req
181. ahead of picnic fun times.Copy !req
182. Ta-da! A wee-willie hamper.Copy !req
183. It's got jam and marmalade,Copy !req
184. croutons,Copy !req
185. and champagne, too, if that's your tipple.Copy !req
186. I don't drink myself,
but you're absolutely welcomeCopy !req
187. to pour it on my chest
and lick it from me.Copy !req
188. What's the matter?Copy !req
189. No, nothing. It's just you've...
you've spent quite a lot here.Copy !req
190. Well, it's a special birthday this year.Copy !req
191. My 43rd, no less.Copy !req
192. And I get to spend it with you.Copy !req
193. Martha, I think maybe
this isn't such a great idea.Copy !req
194. What? No picnic fun times?Copy !req
195. No, I... I don't think so.Copy !req
196. Really? Why?
I've just gone and bought a quilt too.Copy !req
197. It's extra soft
so you don't get pimples from the grass.Copy !req
198. Well, picnics, that's...
that's kind of what lovers do, you know?Copy !req
199. Oh.Copy !req
200. Well, what do friends do?Copy !req
201. I don't know.Copy !req
202. - A coffee or something.
- Coffee's good.Copy !req
203. - Do you know what you're having?
- Well, I want the Scotch broth.Copy !req
204. Trying to figure out
if it's on the menu or not.Copy !req
205. Um, I don't see it on the m—Copy !req
206. Oh. Very good.Copy !req
207. Well? Is it on the menu?Copy !req
208. Uh, no, I'm afraid not.Copy !req
209. You'll find it in the specials though.Copy !req
210. The specials.Copy !req
211. Wow, that is some laugh.Copy !req
212. Yeah, I get that all the time.Copy !req
213. Chuckles Buckles, my dad used to call me.Copy !req
214. With his big hands.Copy !req
215. Well, do you have a volume dial?
Can I turn you down a bit?Copy !req
216. You'd have to turn me on first.Copy !req
217. So, are you serious about me?Copy !req
218. I can take it. Just be honest.Copy !req
219. I mean, I've overseen
some of the biggest cases in the world.Copy !req
220. Hollywood. You name it.Copy !req
221. I can handle anything.Copy !req
222. Be a shame though, obviously,
what with the... with the curtains,Copy !req
223. getting my hopes up.Copy !req
224. But I'd work through it.Copy !req
225. I'd work through it.Copy !req
226. Uh...Copy !req
227. Yes, I'm... I'm... I'm serious about you.Copy !req
228. - No, don't! Oh my God.Copy !req
229. Wait. As a friend, okay? As a friend.Copy !req
230. FriendsCopy !req
231. with benefits.Copy !req
232. Just friends.Copy !req
233. - Can I get you guys anything?
- Uh, yeah.Copy !req
234. - I'll have an Americano, please.
- Yep.Copy !req
235. - I'll just have a tap water.
Sure.Copy !req
236. - Uh, you're not having anything?
- I can't afford it.Copy !req
237. I'll get it. Just...Copy !req
238. Oh. Okay.Copy !req
239. Uh, can I have a croissant, a flapjack,Copy !req
240. and a chocolate brownie and a coffee?Copy !req
241. Sure. What kind of coffee?Copy !req
242. Decaf. Perfect.
I'll grab those for you now. Thanks.Copy !req
243. So, um,Copy !req
244. how did you get my email?Copy !req
245. Oh. Off your website.Copy !req
246. You shouldn't have it on there.
Any so-and-so could get it.Copy !req
247. - Yeah, I'm starting to realize that.
- So you're a comedian?Copy !req
248. Sort of.Copy !req
249. It's not going well.Copy !req
250. Is that a question?Copy !req
251. No. I can tell these things.
It's not going well.Copy !req
252. That's not true, actually, so—Copy !req
253. I saw some of your comedy videos online.
I thought they were shite.Copy !req
254. - Well, I've moved on a bit now.
- Offensive too.Copy !req
255. - It's satire.
- Thin satire.Copy !req
256. Sorry, are you a critic?Copy !req
257. Here you are.
- Oh. Thank you.Copy !req
258. Listen, Martha.Copy !req
259. Can you promise me
you won't tell anyone at the pubCopy !req
260. about those online videos?Copy !req
261. Stop it! You should be proud.Copy !req
262. You're chasing your dreams.Copy !req
263. Yeah, no, I get that. It's just...Copy !req
264. What is it?Copy !req
265. I spent my life
dreaming of becoming a comedian. I just...Copy !req
266. I didn't realize
it was gonna be so fucking hard.Copy !req
267. Hardness can be good though, too, no?Copy !req
268. Yeah, I know. It's just...Copy !req
269. I, like... I used to think my dreams
would lead to happiness, but...Copy !req
270. now it almost feels
like this choice between the two.Copy !req
271. Somebody hurt you, didn't they?Copy !req
272. I can tell.Copy !req
273. You're like a warriorCopy !req
274. with a chink in the armor.Copy !req
275. Like a wounding of some kind.Copy !req
276. Was it a woman?Copy !req
277. A heartbreak?Copy !req
278. No, I'm fine.Copy !req
279. That's what a warrior would say.Copy !req
280. But I can see you're bleeding.Copy !req
281. Deep wounds.Copy !req
282. Who was it?Copy !req
283. Martha, can you
let go of my hand now, please?Copy !req
284. - I want names.
Martha, please.Copy !req
285. Names.Copy !req
286. - Martha, please.
Names.Copy !req
287. Martha, please, let go!
- Don't! Don't you dare!Copy !req
288. Is everything all right here?Copy !req
289. Um,Copy !req
290. yeah, we're fine.Copy !req
291. We're... we're fine. Honest.Copy !req
292. Can I get you guys anything else, or...Copy !req
293. Just the bill.Copy !req
294. - What way are you walking?
- Uh, this way.Copy !req
295. I'm this way.Copy !req
296. Thanks for the brownie.Copy !req
297. I knew
she wasn't a millionaire lawyer,Copy !req
298. but seeing her madness play out like that
left me with this sense of unease.Copy !req
299. Who was this woman,
and what did she see in me?Copy !req
300. Fuck! Shit!Copy !req
301. I sometimes question what would
have happened had I not followed her,Copy !req
302. just turned around and went home.Copy !req
303. Whether that is where
this whole ordeal might have ended.Copy !req
304. Maybe some part of me
wanted to get caught.Copy !req
305. Maybe some part of me wanted to see
where it all might take me.Copy !req
306. Okay, guys, it's been
a fantastic competition so far.Copy !req
307. Loads of acts vying for a place
in the semifinals.Copy !req
308. Keep that energy up,
and please welcome to the stage,Copy !req
309. your next act, Donny Dunn!Copy !req
310. Okay! Good. All right,
let me just quickly chuck this down.Copy !req
311. Ooh. Set up the gig.Copy !req
312. Just unzip the old bagarooney.Copy !req
313. Okay, good. Woo!Copy !req
314. All right. Ooh.Copy !req
315. Bang! Yes. All right. Cool.Copy !req
316. That's...Copy !req
317. Now, I know what you're thinking.Copy !req
318. Venus Williams has let herself go.Copy !req
319. Oh, sorry. God, no. I said the wrong name.
Sorry, it's new material.Copy !req
320. I'll just grab my notebook out, and I'll...Copy !req
321. I'll do it again.
Okay, let's just... Here it is. Ha.Copy !req
322. So I know what you're thinking.Copy !req
323. Serena Williams has let herself go.Copy !req
324. Okay, cool. That didn't work.
Let's move on.Copy !req
325. - Um...Copy !req
326. Uh, one laugh. If you could
move around the room, that'd be great.Copy !req
327. Jesus, can't take my mum anywhere, eh?Copy !req
328. Um...Copy !req
329. What's your name?Copy !req
330. Martha.Copy !req
331. Hello, Martha.
Is your spaceship parked outside?Copy !req
332. Yeah, outside.Copy !req
333. Want to go for a ride
back to my home planet?Copy !req
334. Your home planet?
A planet where people find me funnier?Copy !req
335. I'm sold!Copy !req
336. And where is your home planet?Copy !req
337. Belsize Park.Copy !req
338. Um, and so, out of interest,
when you say your spaceship, you mean...Copy !req
339. A Fiat Punto.Copy !req
340. Brilliant. Ladies and gentlemen,
it ain't gonna get much better than that.Copy !req
341. Jesus, Jesus.Copy !req
342. Come on. All right, so, you know—Copy !req
343. I can sing, you know?Copy !req
344. Oh, well, people haven't come here
for singing, so...Copy !req
345. Aw, let her sing!Copy !req
346. Go on! Let her sing!
No.Copy !req
347. Come on, let her sing! Let her sing!Copy !req
348. Okay, fine, sod it. Go on, then.Copy !req
349. Wahey!
Whoo!Copy !req
350. Nancy Sinatra,
what the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
351. Do you know any Slipknot?Copy !req
352. I would let you sing more,
but can't handle you upstaging me.Copy !req
353. A round of applause
for Martha, everyone. Yes!Copy !req
354. Ha-ha! Brilliant.Copy !req
355. Absolutely brilliant. Cool.Copy !req
356. Um, I've always thought that song
was really weird, actually.Copy !req
357. They could have said
something really stupid like,Copy !req
358. "Then I go and spoil it all
by saying something stupid like,Copy !req
359. 'Hitler was misunderstood.'"Copy !req
360. So I went vegan recently.Copy !req
361. Had to make some sacrifices.Copy !req
362. Met a new girlfriend.
She's a real spring chicken. Come on!Copy !req
363. Yep, gives great head.
Oh no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
364. Good. We're rocking and rolling.
Good, good.Copy !req
365. Fucking hell.Copy !req
366. How'd you do that?Copy !req
367. - What?
- Just appear.Copy !req
368. You're like... Ninja Cat.Copy !req
369. That was fun stuff tonight.
You deserved your win.Copy !req
370. Better than that shit online.Copy !req
371. Thanks, I think.Copy !req
372. All the props and the gadgets and stuff.Copy !req
373. So funny, reindeer.Copy !req
374. You have it in your bones,
this comedy lark, don't you?Copy !req
375. Thank you.Copy !req
376. Oh, don't thank me.Copy !req
377. Thank yourself.Copy !req
378. Thank your bones.Copy !req
379. Look.Copy !req
380. About yesterday,
when I was outside.Copy !req
381. I shouldn't have followed you. I was—Copy !req
382. Oh, no, don't be silly.Copy !req
383. I don't begrudge you a peep.Copy !req
384. Just come in for a plate next time.Copy !req
385. I'll cook you my special dish.Copy !req
386. What's your special dish?Copy !req
387. Beef curtains.Copy !req
388. Fucking hell.Copy !req
389. You're utterly mad, aren't you?Copy !req
390. Oh!Copy !req
391. Uh...Copy !req
392. If you had a superpower, what would it be?Copy !req
393. Uh...Copy !req
394. I'd wanna know what people were thinking,Copy !req
395. rather than just guessing all the time.Copy !req
396. What? Are you worried
people think bad of you or something?Copy !req
397. No. I'm worried
they don't think about me at all.Copy !req
398. - Mine's weird.
- I expect nothing less.Copy !req
399. Do you ever, like,Copy !req
400. want to unzip peopleCopy !req
401. and climb inside them?Copy !req
402. Hmm.Copy !req
403. Can't say it's an impulse
I've had very often, no.Copy !req
404. I wish humans had a chin zip.Copy !req
405. One that would open
all the way to their bellies.Copy !req
406. I'd just unzip them and tuck myself away.Copy !req
407. Is this you asking me for my skin suit?Copy !req
408. Yes, I'd wear you like a onesie.Copy !req
409. Oh my God.
Snuggle away inside you all winter.Copy !req
410. Ah, that'd be nice.Copy !req
411. I'd miss biscuits though.Copy !req
412. Well, um, I tell you what,Copy !req
413. give me a list of the ones you like,Copy !req
414. and every now and again,
when nobody's looking,Copy !req
415. I'll unzip my chin
and pop some biscuits inside for you.Copy !req
416. - How does that sound?Copy !req
417. Best of both worlds! Oh my God.Copy !req
418. Oh my God.Copy !req
419. The tongue on you.Copy !req
420. Uh...Copy !req
421. I love you.Copy !req
422. Oh... Um...Copy !req
423. Oh no.Copy !req
424. - As a friend. Like you said.
- Yeah. No.Copy !req
425. - Sorry.
- I've said too much, haven't I?Copy !req
426. Oh my God. Stupid.
Stupid fucking moron gob!Copy !req
427. No, no, don't do that, okay?
Don't do that.Copy !req
428. It's fine, all right? It's fine.
Don't do that, okay? Please, just...Copy !req
429. I have a sneaky feeling
you might be the death of me.Copy !req
430. Z-z-z-z-zip.Copy !req
431. Boop.Copy !req
432. I sat there for hours
taking it all in.Copy !req
433. Piecing together her whole timeline.Copy !req
434. Her graduate job. How she got fired
for inappropriate behavior with the boss.Copy !req
435. How she started hanging around
outside his house,Copy !req
436. then falsely reporting him to the police
for abusing his disabled child.Copy !req
437. This other time
she attacked his mother in the street.Copy !req
438. Her four-and-a-half-year prison sentence.Copy !req
439. I had a convicted stalker
stalking me.Copy !req
440. I had a convicted stalker stalking me.Copy !req
441. I had a convicted stalker stalking me.Copy !req