1. Hey!
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2. Hey!
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3. Hey!
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4. Hey!
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5. Hey!
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6. Hey, D.W.!
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7. Hey!
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8. Whoa...
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9. Just because someone says
something is real
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10. doesn't mean it necessarily is.
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11. Just watch...
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12. May I help you?
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13. No, Jeeves,
but I can help you!
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14. I'm Jimmy Johnny Johnson,
aka J-CUBE,
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15. big-time genius
TV producer, pow!
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16. Yeah, and this is Phil.
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17. I want to put
the Crosswires on TV.
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18. What's going on, Bailey?
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19. I believe we're being
"punked," sir.
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20. Jimmy Johnny Johnson!
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21. You got my letter.
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22. Daddy, I read that J-CUBE was
looking for new reality stars
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23. and I said our family
would be perfect.
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24. Rich, intelligent, glamorous—
what's not to love?
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25. So, what do you say, Ned?
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26. It's Ed.
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27. Will you let Phil and I be part
of the Crosswires for four weeks
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28. and turn you
into the biggest hit
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29. since Ice Road Trucking
With the Stars?
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30. Well...
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31. You bet!
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32. Huzzah.
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33. Cut!
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34. Okay, that was great.
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35. Let's just have a little bit
more excitement this time.
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36. And Ted,
not too long on the pause.
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37. It's feeling
a little staged.
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38. It's Ed.
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39. Okay, everybody,
one more time.
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40. Caught in the Crosswires,
episode one.
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41. Let's keep it real, folks.
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42. See what I mean?
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43. It's the first day of shooting
our new reality show
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44. and things couldn't
be going better.
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45. I only wish my brother Chip
could be here,
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46. but he's away at school.
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47. Maybe if we get
a second season...
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48. Muffy?
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49. Hi, Francine.
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50. Be out in a second.
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51. Who are you talking to?
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52. And why are you hiding
in there?
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53. I wasn't hiding.
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54. I'm just talking to my fans
in the "Private Moments Area."
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55. Uh, I think it's called
a closet.
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56. We have to do three
video diary entries every day.
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57. That's when the camera isn't
following us everywhere.
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58. I never knew
it would be this hard.
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59. You've only been filming
for a day.
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60. Feels like years.
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61. Still, I guess it's
for a good cause.
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62. What cause is that?
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63. Making people famous
for doing nothing?
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64. No.
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65. Providing quality entertainment
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66. for people whose lives are not
as interesting as mine.
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67. Okay.
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68. Well, I don't suppose
a big star like you
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69. would want to come
to the movies with me.
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70. My mom said she'd take us
to Galaxy Kittens in 3D.
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71. Oh, I've been dying
to see that.
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72. But I have to go
to dinner now.
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73. Sorry.
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74. What?
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75. But it's only 3:00.
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76. We want to use
the daylight.
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77. By the way, you are great
as the snarky friend.
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78. Genius.
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79. Pow!
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80. Thank you, Bailey.
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81. Looks wonderful.
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82. Goodness me,
what's that on my napkin?
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83. Is that the new four-door
luxury Credenza on sale
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84. at Crosswire Motors?
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85. It is.
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86. Wow!
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87. That is an amazing deal.
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88. Psst... see what
the kid is doing.
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89. Thanks, Bailey.
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90. Ooh, hot.
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91. Did he just serve you
scalding hot soup?
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92. What kind of an animal
would do that?
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93. Um, it's not that hot.
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94. But what if it was?
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95. It isn't.
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96. Or is it?
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97. No, it isn't.
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98. I believe Mr. Cube
is trying to insinuate
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99. that the scene would be
more engaging
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100. if you reacted more
dramatically, Miss Muffy.
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101. What Jeeves just said.
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102. Pow!
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103. Genius.
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104. Oh.
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105. Well, okay.
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106. Is the soup to your liking,
Miss Muffy?
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107. Ow! Oh, no!
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108. That's way too hot.
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109. I am most
grievously sorry.
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110. May I blow on it,
Miss Muffy?
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111. Don't bother.
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112. Take it away.
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113. My dinner is ruined!
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114. I think we just
found our star.
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115. Bailey!
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116. Yes, Miss Muffy?
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117. Why haven't my covers
been turned down?
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118. And that pillow
has not been fluffed.
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119. This is unacceptable.
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120. It shan't happen again,
Miss Muffy.
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121. It better not!
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122. How was that?
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123. Can't you go any faster?
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124. I'd like to get there
before I turn 80.
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125. I asked for a frittata.
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126. This is just an omelet!
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127. Wire hangers?
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128. Wire hangers?
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129. And if you are one minute late
today, that's it.
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130. You're going back
to butler-school, Mister.
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131. Yes, Miss Muffy.
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132. Why were you being
so rude to Bailey?
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133. Oh, it's just an act.
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134. J-CUBE thought it would be great
for the show
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135. if Bailey and I fought a lot.
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136. It didn't seem
like fighting to me.
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137. You were just being mean.
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138. Yeah, but Muffy has
to be mean.
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139. She's the villain.
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140. What?
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141. No, I'm not.
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142. Sure you are.
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143. But that's the best role.
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144. Every reality show has
someone you love to hate.
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145. In Top Supermarket Clerk,
it was Jeff.
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146. That sneaky little weasel!
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147. I still get angry
thinking about him.
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148. See?
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149. The villains are the most
memorable characters.
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150. But...
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151. I've also been really nice
to Bailey.
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152. This morning I gave him
the cherry from my fruit cup.
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153. I think it's going to take
more than a cherry
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154. to make up for your
performance back there.
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155. How does it feel to be abused
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156. by a spoiled,
eight-year-old tyrant?
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157. I wouldn't know,
Mr. Cube.
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158. I have only ever been employed
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159. by the most kind and generous
of households.
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160. Yeah, that wasn't really
the answer I was looking for.
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161. Wait.
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162. Genius idea coming.
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163. Pow!
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164. How's your eyesight,
Jeeves?
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165. Excellent.
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166. Oh yeah?
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167. Can you read this?
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168. "I am so very,
very miserable."
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169. Great.
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170. Now hold this onion.
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171. MRS.
It was the strangest dream.
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172. I was in a pre-owned
luxury sedan
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173. that hardly cost me a cent.
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174. Honey, that was no dream.
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175. There are tons of affordable,
top-of-the-line cars
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176. at Crosswire Motors
every day.
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177. Bailey, it's me.
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178. I need to talk to you.
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179. Don't worry,
I dodged them.
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180. Do you think
I'm coming across
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181. as mean and spoiled
in this show?
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182. It is a distinct possibility,
Miss Muffy.
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183. But...
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184. I'm not really like that.
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185. Am I?
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186. No, Miss Muffy.
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187. And may I be so bold
as to ask:
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188. Am I a spineless jellyfish?
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189. Of course not, Bailey.
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190. You're the bravest, strongest,
noblest person I know.
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191. Except for Daddy.
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192. Quite.
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193. This is terrible.
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194. What are we going to do?
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195. Perhaps henceforth, we should
ignore Mr. Cube's suggestions
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196. and simply treat each other
normally.
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197. Oh!
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198. Oh, dear.
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199. I'm terribly sorry,
Miss Muffy.
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200. It's all right, Bailey.
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201. I'll just change my shirt
after breakfast.
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202. Did that bumbling oaf
just spill juice
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203. all over your priceless
new dress?
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204. It's not new.
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205. And it was on sale
when I bought it.
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206. Crosswires never pay retail.
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207. Anyway, it was just an accident.
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208. An accident?
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209. You've been a butler
for 50 years
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210. and now this snob
is calling you clumsy?
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211. I am 37, Mr. Cube.
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212. And Miss Muffy called me
no such thing.
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213. Okay, people, look.
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214. I just need this scene to be
a little more exciting, okay?
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215. So, you know,
act that way.
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216. No!
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217. Excuse me?
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218. If my family isn't
exciting enough for you,
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219. go film someone else.
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220. But from now on,
I'm just going to be myself.
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221. Ha!
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222. Listen, kid,
I'm Jimmy Johnny Johnson,
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223. creator of There's a Bear
in My House,
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224. and no one wants to see a show
about the real you.
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225. You know why?
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226. It's boring!
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227. You can't talk
to my daughter that way.
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228. I want you both to leave
this instant.
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229. That was not an accident.
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230. I asked for fresh strawberries!
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231. What's this?
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232. No!
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233. No.
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234. No!
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235. Bailey!
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236. Bailey!
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237. Bailey!
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238. I am so very, very miserable.
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239. I can't hold this
any longer...
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240. J-
Stay tuned for more
of the half-hour special
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241. Caught in the Crosswires:
A Family on the BRINK.
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242. It's all like that.
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243. J-Cube only had enough footage
for a half-hour,
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244. but they're going to air it
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245. over and over again
for three weeks.
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246. Well, I certainly don't have
to see any more.
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247. Me neither.
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248. And I'm telling everyone
I know not to watch.
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249. I thought it was amazing!
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250. I mean,
amazingly bad.
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251. I won't watch it either.
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252. Thanks, guys.
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253. It wasn't a total loss, though.
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254. I got a great idea
for a show out of it.
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255. It's called
Bad Reality TV Producer.
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256. That is genius.
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257. Pow!
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258. And now...
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259. Who knows a fancy word
for "problem"?
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260. Conflict.
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261. This is my second-grade class.
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262. My class is talking
about conflicts.
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263. And whenever we have conflicts,
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264. we have to come up with ways
of solving them, right?
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265. Muffy and Bailey were pretending
to have a conflict.
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266. That's kind of like
what we were doing.
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267. You're going to come up
with examples of conflicts
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268. or problems that any
second-grader could face.
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269. We had actors
who explain the problem.
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270. You accidentally bumped
into someone at recess
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271. and now they are hurt
and crying.
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272. Ow, you pushed me
on purpose!
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273. It was an accident.
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274. It appears as though
we have a conflict.
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275. Does anyone have a suggestion?
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276. My idea is Jared can offer her
to go to the nurse.
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277. You want to go to the nurse?
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278. Sure.
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279. We're practicing ways
to solve conflicts.
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280. Your tablemate accused you
of taking their eraser,
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281. but you didn't do it.
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282. Why did you take
my eraser?
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283. I didn't.
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284. Yes, you did.
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285. No, I didn't.
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286. Does anyone have an idea?
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287. Andrew could say,
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288. "Even though I didn't
take your eraser,
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289. I could help you find it."
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290. We found it!
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291. Hey, can I use that ball?
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292. I'm using it right now.
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293. I want to use it.
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294. I want to use it.
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295. I want to use it.
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296. I want to use it.
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297. Does anyone have a suggestion?
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298. Maybe they should share
the ball together.
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299. They can both play with it
and they don't have to fight.
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300. We learned that lots of problems
can happen to you,
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301. but there's always a way
to figure them out.
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302. And now...
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303. When you're a member
of high society like me,
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304. you have certain
responsibilities.
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305. You must know the correct
utensil to use
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306. at a formal dinner.
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307. The primi amuse-bouche,
Miss Muffy.
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308. Garden pea stuffed
with pheasant ragout.
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309. You must have the right outfit
for any occasion.
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310. Muffin?
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311. You almost ready?
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312. The ribbon cutting for the tire
store is in 20 minutes.
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313. Ta-da!
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314. And you must be immortalized
on canvas
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315. by a very important artist.
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316. This is Daddy.
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317. "Wow," right?
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318. Mummy.
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319. Isn't she beautiful?
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320. And Chip.
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321. What a card.
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322. I, however, opted for something
a tiny bit different,
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323. but I think it really
captures me.
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324. What do you think?
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325. It's a rerun.
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326. So? It's still my TV time.
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327. But you've seen that episode
a million times.
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328. Mary Moo Cow
gets better with age.
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329. And now let's meet the winner,
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330. Buster Baxter.
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331. What?
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332. So Buster, how does it feel
to have won
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333. the Best Young Artist award
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334. for this year's Elwood City
arts festival?
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335. Good.
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336. There you have it.
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337. He feels good.
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338. Back to you, Bob.
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339. He's the best young artist?
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340. Puh-leeze.
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341. I've seen Buster's drawings.
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342. His cows are lumpy.
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343. I didn't even know
he'd entered that contest.
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344. Thank you.
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345. Thanks, everyone.
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346. This is amazing,
Buster.
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347. I didn't know
you could paint.
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348. I didn't know either
until last February 3rd.
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349. What happened
on February 3rd?
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350. My horoscope.
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351. It said, "You will discover
a hidden talent."
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352. So I tried out this
paint set my mom got me,
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353. and the rest is history.
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354. What's that thing
sticking out of his elbow?
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355. A brain.
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356. See, that alien is
from the Planet Tabooni,
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357. where they have their brains
on their elbows.
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358. And it's a "she."
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359. Are they all aliens?
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360. Uh-huh.
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361. I'm in my "extra-terrestrial
period."
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362. That's art-talk for when
you're obsessed with painting
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363. in this one style.
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364. Well done, son.
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365. You've really captured
the essence of...
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366. something.
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367. How would you like
your first commission?
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368. Sure.
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369. What's a commission?
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370. Daddy wants you
to paint my portrait.
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371. Personally, I prefer "normal"
art, but I've got a hunch
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372. that these just might be
worth something someday.
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373. Okay.
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374. How much do you charge?
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375. Um, well...
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376. Free snacks
would be nice, and...
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377. It's a deal.
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378. See you tomorrow.
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379. I should've asked
for juice, too.
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380. You have to stay
absolutely still
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381. or I won't be able
to do this.
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382. Okay.
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383. Can I see?
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384. Nope.
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385. Hmm...
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386. How about now?
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387. Don't move.
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388. What about now?
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389. Uh-uh.
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390. How long is this going to take?
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391. About eight hours.
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392. What?
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393. You'll just have to work
from a photo.
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394. Bailey!
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395. Done.
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396. Oh, it's a masterpiece!
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397. What?
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398. You've got to be kidding me.
Copy !req
399. What?
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400. You don't like it?
Copy !req
401. Intriguing.
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402. Is that her nose
or her ear?
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403. Both.
Copy !req
404. See, I've painted her
as a Norf-troll;
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405. they're from the
Centurinus System
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406. and their hearing
and sense of smell are combined.
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407. I don't want to be a...
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408. whatever you said.
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409. I want you to paint me as me.
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410. Well, it is you.
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411. It's just...
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412. Ugly.
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413. I look like a tuna melt.
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414. Daddy, tell him he has
to make me look pretty.
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415. There'd be more snacks,
of course...
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416. It's okay.
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417. I can paint another one.
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418. I wasn't trying
to make you ugly.
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419. But it's important to me
that you like the painting.
Copy !req
420. Thank you.
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421. I'm sorry I was mean.
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422. I'm sure it's very pretty
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423. if you're a Dorf-toad
or whatever.
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424. I can't take it anymore.
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425. She's never satisfied.
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426. So why don't you just quit?
Copy !req
427. I keep thinking that
if I try a little harder,
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428. I'll make something she likes.
Copy !req
429. But I can't draw people.
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430. Only aliens.
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431. You just need more practice.
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432. Here, draw me.
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433. What?
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434. That's not me.
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435. It's how I see you.
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436. See, this is your head,
about to explode.
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437. And you have 18 arms
because you're good at sports.
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438. You're an alien
from Planet Voton.
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439. Oh, I get it.
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440. Not bad.
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441. Hey, do me.
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442. And you're from
Planet Transparix.
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443. You're clear because
you've got nothing to hide.
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444. Big heart, big glasses,
and two left feet.
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445. Huh.
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446. You know what?
Copy !req
447. You really are an artist.
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448. No fooling.
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449. You should paint Muffy as you
really see her, then explain it.
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450. Really?
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451. Okay, then.
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452. Well, it's completely
ridiculous.
Copy !req
453. And I hate the green.
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454. That is not my color.
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455. But green
represents money.
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456. Crosswire money.
Copy !req
457. And my eyebrows
look so pointy.
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458. And why did you
make me so boxy?
Copy !req
459. Because you're a car.
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460. Or rather, you're
from the Planet Carmania.
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461. Don't you get it?
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462. Eyebrows, head, torso...
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463. So all you have to do is
repaint the head and the body,
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464. make a new background, change
all the colors, and you're done.
Copy !req
465. Could you finish these revisions
by Monday?
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466. That'd be so great.
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467. Bye.
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468. Um, am I
in the right place?
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469. Oui.
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470. Come on in.
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471. Asseyez-vous.
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472. That means "sit down" in French.
Copy !req
473. So I showed her the portrait
and she said, "Egad."
Copy !req
474. And a lot of other bad words
that I don't care to repeat.
Copy !req
475. Hah.
Copy !req
476. We don't paint their way,
Van Gogh.
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477. We paint our way.
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478. The great Arcimboldo, here...
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479. I mean, does that
Portrait of a Librarian
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480. look like a librarian?
Copy !req
481. Not at all.
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482. It's preposterous.
Copy !req
483. And when I,
Toulouse-Lautrec,
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484. paint a portrait,
I am often told,
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485. "But I don't look like that."
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486. And I say, "You will."
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487. So where is your portrait,
young artist?
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488. Here.
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489. Sacre bleu.
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490. Mon dieu.
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491. Yeah, except she hates it.
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492. She wants me to make
a bunch of changes.
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493. Bah.
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494. The notes of an imbecile.
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495. Ignore them.
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496. You are an artist.
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497. This is a masterpiece.
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498. Toulouse-Lautrec is right.
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499. I am an artist.
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500. Hear me roar.
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501. That felt good.
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502. Here.
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503. This is you.
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504. Painted by me.
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505. You can like it or not,
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506. but I will not paint
the way you want me to.
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507. Okay?
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508. From now on,
I paint like me.
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509. You didn't make any
of the revisions I asked for.
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510. And what's that?
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511. Oh, something
Toulouse Lautrec
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512. suggested to me
in my dream.
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513. Nice, right?
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514. Wrong.
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515. You can tell this "Toulouse"
I wouldn't hire him
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516. if he was the last
painter on earth.
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517. I can't tell him
because he's dead.
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518. Well, then I definitely
won't hire him.
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519. Or you.
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520. You can kiss all those
free snacks good-bye,
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521. and the grand unveiling party
I was going to arrange.
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522. You were going to arrange
an unveiling party?
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523. For my painting?
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524. A party?
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525. You would trade your artistic
soul for cake and ice cream?
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526. Well, it depends
on the cake.
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527. No.
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528. You must be strong.
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529. You're right.
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530. I'll be strong.
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531. I'm not changing a thing.
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532. MR.
Did you paint that, Buster?
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533. Most interesting.
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534. Ah, I get it.
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535. Muffy as an automobile.
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536. A driving force,
tireless, determined.
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537. And yet this ribbon connotes
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538. a softer,
more vulnerable side.
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539. It captures her perfectly.
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540. Wait a minute.
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541. You see all that?
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542. Absolutely.
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543. Okay, everyone,
let's open our history books.
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544. I changed my mind.
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545. I'll keep it.
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546. Thank you.
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547. Thanks, everyone.
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548. So how does it feel
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549. to have Muffy finally
like your painting?
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550. You know, it feels
really, really...
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551. Good.
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552. To watch more Arthur
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553. and play games with all
the Elwood City friends,
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554. visit pbskids.org.
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555. You can find Arthur books
and lots of other books, too
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556. at your local library.
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