Arrested Development 4x13

1. Michael Bluth was starting his new life in, get this, Beverly Hills.

2. Your office is only one floor below Ron Howard's.

3. It was true.

4. When iconic producer Ron Howard

5. offered to make Michael a producer in a movie about his family...

6. Them?

7. Michael had a problem.

8. We need everybody's signatures on these releases to make this story.

9. Although the real heartbeat of the thing is the father-son dynamic.

10. But he had fallen out of touch with his father.

11. So Michael was about to give up, when something changed his mind.

12. I'm a movie producer.

13. He was starting his first day without the signature he needed.

14. Yeah? Must be a pretty important project to him then, huh?

15. That's one possibility.

16. Watch your head.

17. Are these ceilings a little lower?

18. Brian and Ron wanted the ceiling in their office

19. to be a few inches taller,

20. but apparently, Bruckheimer knows someone on city council,

21. and they wouldn't let them make the building taller.

22. So Ron said, "F you, Jerry," and he went lower with his floor.

23. Everybody wins, huh?

24. - Here we are. - Oh!

25. That's me, huh?

26. Wow. Ceilings are even lower in here.

27. Yeah, your office is right below Brian's.

28. He wanted his ceiling just a few inches taller than Ron's.

29. - Okay. - Some internal competition.

30. Kind of like between us.

31. Yeah... Wait, what?

32. Well, you have a family to track down. Yeah, I do. Hey, speaking of that...

33. Kitty, is there a directory of actresses with pictures in it—

34. Wow. Starting with the casting couch already.

35. No. Nothing like that.

36. I met this unbelievable woman

37. that would be perfect for the part of my wife.

38. It was really nice to meet you.

39. And he failed to get her name.

40. Even if she isn't, I'd love to track her down,

41. so an actual couch could be useful, please.

42. Okay, you're funny.

43. This is Imagine Entertainment, not the hot tub at Bruckheimer Tower.

44. We make family movies.

45. pig. - Okay.

46. Ironically, the woman he was looking for was family.

47. She was Ron's illegitimate daughter, a fact unbeknownst to many.

48. We like to keep that quiet.

49. A woman who like Bryce Dallas and Paige Carlyle,

50. was named after where she was conceived.

51. And she actually had worked for some A-list directors.

52. She did a Terrence Malick.

53. Are we the same?

54. She got the lead in a Woody Allen film.

55. I felt like I was in The Iceman Cometh, but, you know, in my case, he faketh.

56. And was once even directed by her own father...

57. Next time, don't pocket it, pay for it.

58. Shoplifting. Not cool.

59. In a public service announcement,

60. which like all of Ron's work...

61. I think we got it.

62. was inspired by a photograph. Rebel had indeed been a rebel.

63. But Michael didn't know any of this.

64. Why don't you not worry about casting and just get the rights to your family?

65. If you need any help, I would love to help you.

66. - We like to pull together around here. - Watch your back.

67. No, you watch your back, mister!

68. If you screw up this project for me,

69. I will bury you farther underground

70. than I did your illiterate little niece.

71. - Hi, guys. - Ma'am.

72. Now the story of what happened

73. when the one man who was holding his family together

74. finally let go

75. and the separate journeys that eventually gave them no choice

76. but to come back together.

77. It's Arrested Development...

78. Fateful Consequences.

79. Michael knew the only way he could be a producer

80. and impress an actress,

81. was to get a signature from a father whose face he hadn't seen in ages,

82. and that's when he suddenly did.

83. We have to keep this quiet.

84. No, no.

85. - Hi. Don't say I'm down here.

86. - Right here. - Hey.

87. What's going on?

88. - I just came back to get— Don't acknowledge me.

89. get some suits, you know,

90. so I can look like the uptight, dishonest, cheating boob that I am.

91. Well, I never said "boob."

92. Although you are in the wrong Lucille's apartment, so...

93. unless you're after a Bob Mackie original, could be some truth to the cheating part.

94. Yeah, well, I was in the desert, and I've lost my sense of direction.

95. Dad.

96. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Listen.

97. You're getting divorced. I am not one to judge.

98. Great to see you again. The past is the past.

99. Things have worked out,

100. and I've met a wonderful woman named...

101. Well, don't worry about that. I'm a movie producer now.

102. Unbelievable.

103. Making a movie out of my life.

104. The girl I met is perfect to play my wife.

105. And I don't know. Can you believe it? And I know what you're thinking.

106. - I don't care.

107. Do I have it?

108. Anybody who's getting in the movie needs to sign this.

109. It's a simple signature.

110. I think that everybody needs to see the real George Sr., don't you?

111. I think it would all depend on how George Sr. was portrayed.

112. Well, he is not the most positive character, but...

113. You sign this and I don't see any reason why we can't make him seem very, very...

114. You know...

115. Uh...

116. Uh...

117. - Go to hell.

118. It was an insulting comment to hear from a father.

119. You go to hell!

120. But unbeknownst to Michael,

121. he had just heard it from his father's twin brother.

122. His father was having his own problem,

123. having just discovered that the land he bought

124. to build a border wall on...

125. No. Mexico starts back there, by the gully.

126. was both worthless...

127. probably chomping on the maca.

128. and in Mexico.

129. How did you not notice? You saw all the papers.

130. You can't expect me to read every page of that deal.

131. Besides, that one was particularly difficult

132. because it was all in Spanish.

133. It says very clearly on my business card, "Se habla español."

134. I do not speak Spanish.

135. And your brother Oscar told me it was on the border.

136. How did he not know?

137. Unfortunately, Oscar missed the signs.

138. You think it's okay to burn these?

139. This is America.

140. They don't want us to burn signs, they shouldn't write them in Spanish.

141. Everybody.

142. Only Heartfire knew the truth,

143. but the singing was so loud, no one could hear her thoughts.

144. and I don't know where Oscar is. He's disappeared.

145. And there is something up with him because he is scary now.

146. He has changed.

147. Hey, you've changed, you big

148. You're acting like a little girl lately and not in a good way.

149. Pull yourself together. Act like a man.

150. - You're right. Okay, love you. - Love you, too. Bye.

151. I'm back.

152. So George Sr. headed up to see Lucille

153. and share all the bad news.

154. I know what you're coming up to do to me.

155. - Yesterday, you were amazing.

156. Actually, it was Oscar, who, like one of GOB's sick bees,

157. was pollinating one barren flower after another.

158. I can't stop thinking about it.

159. You haven't been like that in years.

160. Oh, right. You mean, slow

161. I hope you're ready for more of the same today.

162. George Sr. had a few problems.

163. His brother was sleeping with his wife,

164. the property he was going to sell to the government to build the US wall on

165. was in Mexico,

166. and his sweat lodge colony had just collapsed.

167. So he had to deal with first things first.

168. If my identical twin brother can get it up, then shouldn't I?

169. Have you had any sexual feeling at all lately?

170. No.

171. You know, the Hopi Indians believed that this spot here,

172. when manipulated, can create sexual feeling.

173. - That's my penis.

174. No, just a little curiosity as to why you're checking your second hand.

175. Oh, this isn't my office.

176. You know, I don't get it. I've been popping the pills,

177. and I mean, nothing!

178. - Oh, no. Nothing out of the ordinary.

179. I mean, there's some violating federal law stuff

180. that'd put me in prison for the rest of my life,

181. but I've made love with treason charges over me before.

182. No, it's something else. It's not just the sex. I feel...

183. I feel wrong...

184. somehow.

185. And I'm becoming weak.

186. Sorry, had the old thinking cap on.

187. Let's go to the lists.

188. And Dr. Norman proceeded to run through a checklist

189. of alternative medicine questions.

190. Did you drink some water that might have a homeopathic memory of some molecule?

191. Do you keep track of the molecules you ingest?

192. With homeopathy, it's the molecules you don't ingest.

193. But I'm the one who can get hard, so let's focus on you.

194. He then went on to explore some supernatural

195. or high-concept premise possibilities.

196. - No.

197. Any wishes you may have phrased badly,

198. or while a child was blowing out a candle?

199. Have you come across any ancient games,

200. let's say, glowing games, either board-based or carnival-based,

201. that you may have played against the wishes of your best friend?

202. No.

203. Curses, hexes, spells, shaman, medicine men?

204. Wait.

205. The strong will become the weak.

206. The weak will become the strong.

207. I did hallucinate one ancient foreboding warrior harbinger

208. while I chewed maca root about a year ago. Could that be something?

209. No, it's not the maca.

210. Your body wants the maca.

211. It's not the maca.

212. But finally out of desperation, he turned to Western medicine.

213. Tell you what, let's get some film on you.

214. I'd like you to get on an MRI machine and try to ride it to climax.

215. I'm gonna send you over to Orange County Imaging.

216. They do a ton of that.

217. Okay. Do I get magazines?

218. Yeah. I'll write you a script for that.

219. They got a place right around the corner that plays ball.

220. - Oh. Run. Oh.

221. Michael was trying to make a movie,

222. without having the rights to do so.

223. We're making the movie about the family, and I thought,

224. "I wonder if Carl Weathers would be willing to help me out."

225. - Let me ask you this right up front. - Okay.

226. Do you think anybody would be upset if one of these Grinch dolls took a walk?

227. No, help yourself.

228. I know what you're thinking. "What part would I play in this?"

229. I figured you'd want me to play me.

230. Well, I didn't want to waste you on you.

231. I wasn't gonna talk to you about acting, but if you are game, that would be great.

232. Let's circle back to that.

233. There's a television show, was it?

234. That you made about my family.

235. Michael was referring to the George Bluth Sr. episode

236. of a horribly narrated crime reenactment series

237. called Scandalmakers that Carl had directed years earlier.

238. Did you retain the rights to my father's story?

239. No, man, rights cost money. I never bothered with that stuff.

240. I figure you go ahead, you shoot it.

241. Better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission.

242. As it turned out, Carl had never bothered to get either,

243. which is why he made himself the subject of the final episode of the series.

244. Lee Nails. Only pressed

245. Carl, we're at a swap meet. Okay.

246. There he is.

247. Mr. Weathers... Carl Weathers.

248. You've been accused of producing

249. a television show based on real-life events for which you've done none of the due diligence

250. in securing the rights thereto.

251. I only have one question.

252. - Of course, Carl Weathers.

253. Cut! Now we'll move on, do a little voice-over.

254. Oh, God. DeBrie! Oh, God.

255. Her heart stopped. She's dying!

256. You're as green as old lady Grinch. Come on.

257. People don't go to movies to see rights. People go to movies to see actors.

258. Now, who you got as scriptwriter?

259. And that's when Michael remembered

260. that he did know one member of the Writers Guild.

261. The eye's fallen off this one.

262. You mind if I swap it out, for the restaurant?

263. Swap it.

264. And I thought, "Who's gonna get it right the first time?"

265. I don't want to give a lot of notes.

266. Then it came to me.

267. Who knows my father better than Warden Gentles?

268. Hold on one second.

269. - "The... first... time." - Yeah.

270. My grandson gave me this, but I guarantee you,

271. give me an old Royal and a glass of Scotch,

272. and I'll give you 250 pages where the lightning hits the tree.

273. That's not what we do here.

274. I mean, where the drop hits the pond.

275. - That's it. - I apologize.

276. I've had a few meetings today.

277. Then the yellow robot gets mad at the pink robot...

278. - That does— - Correction. The purple robot.

279. Sorry, I'm back to back today.

280. I bet. I'm gonna be honest with you.

281. You're not charring my tree

282. and...

283. Yeah, Jerry's not gonna come off the boat for this one.

284. This is basically a story about a fellow like myself

285. and his father and their friend Carl Weathers.

286. I'm not entirely sure how to organically work him into the story.

287. Maybe he's teaching them lessons or something.

288. Anyway, I'm gonna leave that up to your capable hands.

289. Wait a minute.

290. I've turned it off again.

291. They're tricky.

292. Might I suggest bringing in someone younger to play the father?

293. A Philip Seymour Hoffman type?

294. A Philip Seymour Hoffman type.

295. Michael, who was unfamiliar with the legendary actor's work,

296. thought he knew of such a type.

297. Naturally, I thought of you.

298. Well, you know, I'm a married man,

299. so I don't keep a directory of attractive young actresses around.

300. Okay.

301. Are you really planning on using her, or is it like Conan with girl writers?

302. It doesn't matter.

303. I'm here to talk to you about a movie that we're gonna make about the family,

304. and I thought it might be really fun for us to work together again.

305. Help me remember. What did we do together?

306. You came over for a chicken and ham water dinner that my family threw

307. to raise some funds for itself.

308. They're finally getting around to making a movie of that, huh?

309. There's more to it than that.

310. It's about a young man trying to get out from under his domineering father

311. while dealing with the slow death of his wife.

312. You just saved me 12 bucks.

313. I'm not gonna see it.

314. I'd like for you to be in it.

315. No offense, I have a job. I mean, I have a good thing.

316. - Mr. O'Brien.

317. Andy, quick note.

318. Just 'cause I look at you when we're doing the show and ask you a question,

319. it doesn't mean you have to respond.

320. Sometimes it's funny when you don't say anything,

321. and the audience gets to think, "Hey, Andy really is stupid."

322. Gets a big laugh.

323. - Hey, you're new. - Been here a year.

324. You're funny, too.

325. Let's get you set up in a writer's office.

326. You can have Andy's if you don't mind the smell of bologna.

327. I'm in.

328. Michael had assembled his dream team,

329. and now it was time to wow his boss.

330. Excuse me, sir, could you turn that off, please?

331. Oh, I thought that was playing in here.

332. - Sorry. Slide show of my granddaughter's—

333. - Daughter's graduation from college. - Sure.

334. - Michael. - High school.

335. Did you get the signatures?

336. Better. I put together the core team. Acting and writing.

337. You guys do remember I have to be in Burbank by one every day, right?

338. We got that, Andy.

339. I'm looking forward to this. This is happening.

340. - It is happening. - It's happening.

341. Dude, you are moving way too fast.

342. Maybe by Hollywood standards,

343. but, Kitty, I'm from the business community,

344. where sometimes you have to show it to them already built.

345. Still think you're gonna bury me?

346. Well, Michael, you may not have your father's signature,

347. but you sure have his signature style.

348. Cue the music.

349. I think I just deleted my pitch.

350. As it turns out, it wouldn't matter.

351. Uh-oh.

352. Hello. Think there's a problem with the elevator.

353. Do you have a scheduled appointment?

354. No, no, we're here to see Ron Howard. This is the untitled Michael B. project.

355. I'm actually a producer here. How are you?

356. I've got the office just below the sunken living room there in Brian's.

357. We're here to pitch Ron the movie.

358. I'm sorry, sir, this is a restricted floor.

359. Luisa, it's all right. Crying out loud, I'm not the king of England.

360. - There he is. Hey, Ron.

361. You know, I've got something better. Take a look.

362. Andy Richter...

363. I'm out.

364. God damn it, I'm out.

365. Not married to Andy, but what I do have is the writer.

366. Stefan Gentles, Warden, East Orange County Department of Corrections

367. and writer of multiple episodes of Rocko's Modern Life.

368. Well, everybody's got to start somewhere, right?

369. - As long as I don't end up there. Mnh-mnh.

370. I'll have 25 pages on your desk by tomorrow morning.

371. Gosh, that's putting the cart before the horse.

372. Look who I've got to play Carl Weathers.

373. Oh, is that Cuba?

374. Huh? No, no, no, that's not Cuba. I did not want to waste Cuba on Carl.

375. This is Carl Weathers.

376. Oh, sure, Carl.

377. I thought it was Cuba with the perfect Carl Weathers makeup.

378. No, no, no, Cuba doesn't have that kind of range.

379. The thing is, I really do insist on controlling the casting myself.

380. I get it. I thought maybe if you just saw the whole team together.

381. Team, what team? I should be informed of all meetings.

382. Hey, Cuba, how you doing?

383. Brian, you know Carl Weathers, Andy Richter,

384. Stefan Gentles and Michael Bluth.

385. I'm gonna skip this one.

386. Good to see you, Brian.

387. Ron, it might be easier to talk if we come up just the rest of the way.

388. Oh, thanks.

389. Yeah, the elevator's been kooky since we lowered the floor.

390. Maybe once you get that signature.

391. It might be kind of tricky.

392. They're all down in Orange County. Tough to get down there.

393. - Oh, hey, B. - Yeah.

394. We must have an office down there somewhere.

395. - Yeah, we'll stick you someplace. - We'll stick you someplace.

396. Michael was starting work at his new show business office

397. at Orange County Imagine.

398. Charles Dawkins.

399. And his office was already receiving a lot of visitors.

400. Don't get comfortable.

401. But mostly because of the sign's similarity

402. to that of this institution,

403. which also received some confused visitors.

404. An embolism? I was just here to pitch a game show.

405. George Sr., meanwhile,

406. was working on some medical issues of his own.

407. He was on his way to debase himself in an MRI machine,

408. when he ran into a son with whom he'd lost touch.

409. Dad, what are you doing here?

410. I wanted to speak to you...

411. in person.

412. I think that you're a little late, okay?

413. Because I went to you for a simple signature,

414. not so I could just make a movie about the family,

415. but so that I can move on with my life, and you told me to go to hell.

416. Yeah, sometimes when I'm caught off guard, I say things I don't mean.

417. This is a horrible little office.

418. - Sure.

419. And of course to see you at Orange County I-ma-gine.

420. And what's that?

421. Oh, and I... brought you a peace offering.

422. Well, it's Mexican porn.

423. You know, you are impossible to buy for. Just give it to me.

424. - No. - No, give...

425. See, this is the kayak all over again.

426. I apologize. I was saying it was a very original gift.

427. - You'll never use it. - I will use it.

428. Except for maybe Señor Señoritas.

429. I live in Mexico now, and I don't always know how to ask exactly...

430. - Understandable. - for what I want.

431. And that's almost over now.

432. Which is what I came to talk to you about.

433. Do you know Herbert Love?

434. I know a lot of people, sure, 'cause I'm a big producer now.

435. He ate a mouse.

436. Let's grab a coffee.

437. Okay, so I guess things haven't been going that well for me.

438. You didn't feel you could tell me? That's why I haven't heard from you?

439. I guess I was afraid that if I admitted Sudden Valley was a failure...

440. - Told you so. - you might say, "I told you so."

441. Well, then you don't know me at all.

442. Sorry. It's my fault. I bit off more than I could chew.

443. I lied about being a big shot to impress this girl

444. whose name I don't even know.

445. I've got this crazy idea that I'm gonna turn into a star

446. with a film that I can't get made

447. 'cause I can't get my own father's signature on a release. It's like—

448. I didn't know it was about lying to a girl.

449. Give me the release.

450. - Of course I will.

451. And so with his father's rights in hand,

452. Michael the producer went to show off in Hollywood.

453. While George Sr., magazine in hand,

454. went to off in an MRI machine.

455. On the next Arrested Development... Fateful Consequences.

456. Michael starts to really learn the business.

457. We can keep going another 20 minutes, but I know what I'm talking about.

458. I just went through this last week with a guy.

459. - That is a hernia.

460. I'll send you to my guy over at Hoag Hospital.

461. "The Bulge Whisperer." He does 20 of these a week.

462. And after failing to get back to Burbank on time,

463. Andy calls in a favor from his identical quintuplet brother Rocky.

464. My next guest is a famous pilot who safely crashed into the Hudson River.

465. It's kind of a coincidence, Andy.

466. We've got a pilot who crashes planes,

467. and you're an actor who crashes pilots.

468. And Rocky hurts two nice red-haired guys' feelings...

469. Yeah, that's really funny. You know what else would be funny?

470. If I ripped that red rug right off your head

471. and turned you into Ron Howard.

472. while getting the biggest laugh of Andy's career.