Archer 9x8

Directed by

David Cross as Noah (voice) • Keone Young as Cannibal Chief (voice)

The Band finally close on a discovery.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Oh, for the...

2. - That's disgusting. Me?

3. You're the one that's covered in farts.

4. And why couldn't you put on some clothes

5. - before we left the village? - What, seriously?

6. You think I'd be caught dead dressed like a Nazi?

7. Those old cannibal women had washed and folded

8. your regular clothes.

9. Well, it's also hard to go back

10. after you taste the freedom of the coconut.

11. Master coconut! - Nobody gets that!

12. You know what I don't get?

13. The fact that you're not really a goddess?

14. I was gonna say fractions.

15. I was gonna say fractions.

16. I don't get why she's even with us.

17. - I'm here because... - Because I say so.

18. So end of story.

19. In return for which...

20. I split the idol with you 50/50.

21. I... wait, no.

22. I-I'd split it with you 50/50.

23. - It comes out the same. - Yeah, but— what, wait, what?

24. You, me and the idol makes three.

25. What do you say?

26. - Wait, what are they saying? Nothing.

27. No, what are you talking about?

28. - Nothing! - Okay!

29. - God! - There are no gods!

30. Will you idiots hold it down?

31. - Mon dieu.

32. Jesus, loud much?

33. Are you trying to attract apex predators?

34. Oh, please. I just wiped out

35. a literal goddamn boatload of Nazi stormtroopers.

36. Doesn't get much more apex than that.

37. All right, Mr. Tough Guy.

38. You don't have to chuckle menacingly.

39. What? I wasn't.

40. Holy shit, look! There it is.

41. Okay, so, just so we're all on the same page,

42. we're walking into an active volcano.

43. Well, that's where the idol is, so...

44. I was double-checking, Noah!

45. I don't know why you make me so furious.

46. For me, it's his face.

47. Oh, come on.

48. - Put your backs into it.

49. If I put my back in any more,

50. it's gonna come gooshin' out my front.

51. Oui, c'est impossible. I give up.

52. - How French. - You know...

53. So what? We just sit here

54. and wait for a clue from a goddamn thrush?

55. Thrushes. - Uh, what are you talking about?

56. - Like at the portal of Erebor. - Uh...

57. Jesus, dummy, in The Hobbit.

58. - The what? - Wait, what? - Seriously?

59. Holy shit, that's right.

60. He's been on this crummy island four years,

61. so he's never heard of The Hobbit.

62. Which, as we all know,

63. was published just last year in 1937.

64. So, what is it? A motion picture or...?

65. - Damn it, bird!

66. - It's a book. - It's the book.

67. It's got dwarves. It's got goblins.

68. It's got wizards. It's got, um...

69. - Hobbits? - Hobbits!

70. Huh. You guys don't really strike me as readers,

71. especially of fantasy.

72. That's because you're an asshole.

73. Might I make a suggestion?

74. I know what you're gonna say, Mother,

75. but even if we had enough people to act out the book,

76. we don't have time.

77. - Yeah, it's long as shit. - I don't see that as a negative.

78. - I don't know. All those songs. - Eh.

79. Well, as stupid as this is,

80. I was going to suggest pulling on the door.

81. Goddamn it.

82. - Mm-hmm. -Whoa! -Goddamn.

83. Lucky guess. Okay, let's see here.

84. Um...

85. - Jesus Christ!

86. - Noah! - Yeah?

87. You're on point, buddy.

88. Wunderbar.

89. Those damn fools are going to lead me straight to the idol.

90. And themselves straight to hell.

91. Are you crazy?

92. It's pitch black down there.

93. Noah, if I have to ask you again,

94. - it's gonna be in the form of a shove. - But...

95. What the...?

96. No, no, no, no, no!

97. Noah, go open the door.

98. How? I can't even see my hand in front of my face.

99. Well, then I guess you can't see my fists

100. swinging around like a goddamn windmill

101. - as I walk toward you, so...

102. Ow!

103. Oh. Goddamn it!

104. Did I get you? What do you think?

105. Seriously? God, moron.

106. Oh, come on. I was trying to hit Noah.

107. For the love of God, will...!

108. There is no— Ow!

109. Now will someone open the door?

110. Okay! God!

111. I think the floor did that.

112. Well, it should make this a lot easier.

113. What, a floor that when you step on it random shit happens?

114. Yeah, so I guess, everybody, watch your step.

115. Uh, that's it?

116. Um... watch your step and shut up?

117. - Yeah. Thanks. - Okay. - Real mature.

118. Oh, and I guess try not to bunch up.

119. Sauf toi Doudou, reste à côté de moi.

120. Doudou?

121. - What's happening? - Doudou!

122. Oh, it's just like the ponies.

123. Oh, man! That's hobbit as balls!

124. We must go back. We cannot just leave Doudou.

125. Well, not to split hairs, but he left us, so...

126. - Jesus Christ! - Oh, no. What?

127. Noah, what the shit was that?

128. Well, I'm not a volcanologist, and glad of it, am I right?

129. But the Mua Mua were always talking about how Tarako

130. was way overdue to erupt.

131. - Bad news. - Great.

132. Oh, how would a bunch of cannibals know?

133. - Oral tradition? - And, you know, technically,

134. - now you're all cannibals, so... - I had one little kebab.

135. What were we supposed to do, insult them?

136. - Plus, I was pretty hungry. - Can we just pick a direction?

137. Well, they're both pretty well lit.

138. - I say we turn back. - Quel choc.

139. - Then go. Nobody's stopping you. - Fine.

140. Quoi?

141. - So left?

142. Okay, and was it just me, or when that big rumble happened

143. was everybody for a second like, "Oh, my God, Smaug"?

144. - Yes! Right? - Who?

145. - Oh, my God. It's like...

146. He's got no frame of reference.

147. Smaug, dickhead!

148. The fire-breathing dragon who lives under the mountain.

149. - Whoa.

150. - Goddamn it.

151. So, when you say "way overdue..."

152. I don't know, ten years? 10,000?

153. So, either way, probably not great.

154. Ugh, look.

155. It's a dead end.

156. Damn it, I said we should go right.

157. No, you didn't.

158. Well? Okay, so let's double back.

159. No, look, I think there's a door here.

160. Where?

161. And some crazy cannibal cartoons.

162. Petroglyphs.

163. What do they say? - Um... uh...

164. - Noah! - Okay.

165. It says, "This is the temple of the fire god Tarako,

166. "guarded by the tupua.

167. There's a powerful curse,"

168. which the Mua Mua already told me about, so, uh...

169. That's pretty good.

170. - What? - What does it say?

171. Well, it's a pun; it makes a play on the word for "curse,"

172. but also the word for "soup,"

173. but it's more like a stew, I guess.

174. Like, uh— Oh.

175. We don't really have a word for it in Engl— Ow!

176. We do have a word for it! "Stew"!

177. Does it say how to open the door?

178. - Yeah, it says push. - Idiot.

179. Wait, so...

180. do we want to talk about this curse, or— What?

181. - Huh. - Well? Where's the damn idol?

182. - Um, Noah? - I don't kn— Ow!

183. Then what the hell good are you?

184. I got us in the door, didn't I?

185. I think it's safe to assume we would've tried pushing on it.

186. Maybe eventually, but...

187. No, no, it's got to be here. Come on, help me look.

188. - Okay. - Okay, yeah. - All right.

189. Well, if you find a bar,

190. I'll take a Mai Tai, hold the fruit juice.

191. - What the...? - What? - Uh...

192. Whoa! Look! Check it out!

193. - Is it a bar? - Why would it be a bar?

194. Why wouldn't it?

195. This whole place is like a prehistoric Trader Vic's.

196. Ooh, I think her totem pole did it.

197. Uh, actually, totem poles are indige— Ow!

198. Holy shit! Pam, sit on that one.

199. Reynaud, sit on yours!

200. Okay, uh, lady whose life I ruined.

201. Oh, my God, I forgot about that.

202. - It's working. - Look at that. - Voila!

203. Noah, Princess, come on, go, go, go!

204. Holy shit. It's a giant emerald.

205. Wait a minute, do emeralds glow in the dark?

206. No, but uranium does.

207. - What? - Uranium? - Seriously?

208. I bet uranium's worth a jillion times more than emeralds.

209. - Sterling, wait! - What?

210. It's radioactive.

211. Oh, of course.

212. That's what the whole "death soup" thing was about.

213. - Goddamn it, Noah. - Jesus, Noah!

214. The Mua Mua legend says anybody who touches the idol

215. starts puking and shitting blood and then, uh, melts.

216. Now you tell us?

217. - Also, ew. - Come to think of it,

218. I don't know how anybody could've carved it.

219. Why would those cannibals let us come all this way

220. to find the damn thing if they knew it would kill us?

221. I really can't stress how much they hate white people.

222. Even after we ate Nazis together?

223. Oh, yeah. I bet they're laughing their well-toned asses off.

224. Well, then they're not really our friends.

225. - Wow. - Had to be said.

226. Okay, so how do we get it out of here

227. without shitting ourselves to death?

228. - We can roll it. - I don't know.

229. - Lead! - Uh, lead? - Um...

230. - So stupid. - Like when you get an X-ray.

231. Hey that's right, lead's a natural radiation shield.

232. Hey, he's right.

233. - He's right? - Yeah, you heard the man.

234. Ugh!

235. So where are we going to find enough lead

236. in this place to wrap it up?

237. - What?

238. Perhaps I can help.

239. No, thank you.

240. - Merde!

241. - Ugh.

242. We got company! Late. Stupid.

243. - Hey, Fritz!

244. You got company.

245. Goddamn it.

246. You are powerless against uber-Fuchs!

247. So, hey, after we get out of here...

248. You think we're gonna live through this?

249. Why wouldn't we?

250. - Reloading. - Firing!

251. What the...?

252. Goddamn it!

253. It's not often you find a primitive people

254. who understand the callback.

255. Oh, crap, I got to rewrite my thesis.

256. Son of a...

257. Ha-ha!

258. How do you like them apples?

259. - Shit!

260. Ow! I don't like those apples at all!

261. Right? Could things get any worse?

262. Maybe I am a goddess.

263. - Ow! Thank you!

264. Was ist los?

265. Holy shit, look!

266. Well, shit!

267. Check it out, lava.

268. Oh, I wonder if that's what the petroglyphs meant

269. by "death soup."

270. Oh, yeah, kinda makes sense.

271. I mean, if you think ab— Ow!

272. Guys, come on. That's dangerous.

273. Yes, fools, cower before me.

274. Just like the world will cower before the German Reich

275. - once we have the idol! - Says who?

276. Says mein Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler!

277. The idol is pure uranium!

278. And with it, we will construct a Wunderwaffe

279. with the power to destroy entire cities!

280. - Oh, typical. - Of what?

281. I don't know, Nazis?

282. Oh, for the— Will you do something?

283. Like what, play "Dem Bones" at him?

284. Oh, great, now that's stuck in my head.

285. Was ist...? Ugh! Verdammt Scheidreck...

286. - Look, he's empty, too! - Well, yeah, but...

287. He's still a giant robot.

288. - Seriously? - Yeah. Look at him.

289. So, you're not gonna do anything?

290. Well, I'm no good to us dead.

291. - What good are you alive?

292. Ja!

293. And what do you think you're doing?

294. I have company.

295. - Goddamn it! - Well...

296. Pam!

297. Hyah!

298. No!

299. Sterling!

300. That was your plan?

301. - It worked, didn't it? - I mean...

302. Get off me, you fool!

303. - Shut up!

304. Somebody do something.

305. I will go for help!

306. Merci, asshole!

307. Not a problem.

308. Archer, it's too heavy.

309. I cant hang on!

310. Hang on!

311. No, that's what I'm saying.

312. I'm saying it like "give me a second."

313. - Yeah, I get that, but... - Jesus Christ,

314. - will you shut up? - Nein, nein, nein!

315. What are you doing?

316. Sending you...

317. Sterling!

318. - ... to hell!

319. - Sterling!

320. Oh, for the love of God!

321. This actually weighs the same.

322. I... realize that, idiot.

323. Oh, I'm the idiot?

324. - I mean... - What? Wait. No, no, no.

325. Archer, no! Hang on.

326. Oh, hey, princess.

327. Listen... listen, if we ever meet again...

328. - Sterling, no! - Please!

329. just remember this.

330. We were this close to banging.

331. No, we weren't.

332. Yes, we— Whoa!

333. - Sterling! - Archer!

334. This close.

335. Ah. Ah, ah.

336. Oh, for the— Come on, seriously?

337. What, you couldn't find a snow globe?

338. Oh, quit your bitching.

339. Good morning... Mother!

340. Shut up.

341. Made in Georgia.

342. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH