1. Where in the...?Copy !req
2. No, I'm sure it was...Copy !req
3. I swear, if that girl...Copy !req
4. Lanaluakalani!Copy !req
5. Yes, Father?Copy !req
6. Come in here this very instant!Copy !req
7. I tell you,
this is the last straw!Copy !req
8. - Pff.
- Do not "pff" me, woman!Copy !req
9. - That child of yours
has gone too far!Copy !req
10. I tell you, this time,
I shall really punish her!Copy !req
11. - You called, Father?
- Where is it?Copy !req
12. - Where is what?
- The map... to the sacred tupua!Copy !req
13. - Tupua?
- Oka atua,Copy !req
14. do not play dumb with me!Copy !req
15. You know exactly
what I am talking about, child.Copy !req
16. Now where is it?Copy !req
17. I'm sure I don't know.Copy !req
18. And why would anyone want a map
to some moldy old statue?Copy !req
19. Because of its magical powers.Copy !req
20. Oh, that's just
a silly native legend.Copy !req
21. Do you even...?
We're natives!Copy !req
22. You know what I mean.Copy !req
23. I know what you thinkl mean.Copy !req
24. I mean I...Copy !req
25. You know what I think?Copy !req
26. I think you made some sort
of deal with this ese mai fafo,Copy !req
27. the German.Copy !req
28. - What?
- Yes.Copy !req
29. And I think,
in your profound ignoranceCopy !req
30. of the awesome power
of the tupua,Copy !req
31. - you gave him the map!
- What?Copy !req
32. In exchange for enough money
to go live among the papalangiCopy !req
33. in New York City again
and open another...Copy !req
34. What was it?Copy !req
35. - Failed art gallery?
- Oh, come on!Copy !req
36. There was this little thing
called The Great Depression!Copy !req
37. Well, and you don't know
anything about art.Copy !req
38. I do so!Copy !req
39. Oh, please.Copy !req
40. You thought the Dutch Masters
were just a kind of cigar.Copy !req
41. You have raised a fool!Copy !req
42. Because the tupuais a legend
for a reason,Copy !req
43. and you have no idea
of its power!Copy !req
44. And once that German snake
finds it, he will be long gone,Copy !req
45. so I hope at least
he paid you in advance!Copy !req
46. Excuse me.Copy !req
47. Stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid!Copy !req
48. Well, if that sneaky
little schnitzel thinksCopy !req
49. he's gonna flimflam
Princess Lanaluakalani,Copy !req
50. he has got another thing...Copy !req
51. Are you out of your mind?Copy !req
52. - Sacrebleu!
- Oh!Copy !req
53. What the hell is the matter
with you people?Copy !req
54. Ow! Well, I,
for one, am starving,Copy !req
55. so please tell me
you have oysters.Copy !req
56. Who the hell taught you
how to drive?Copy !req
57. Me? Who the hell taught him
how to drive?Copy !req
58. Oh, for the...Copy !req
59. And where the hell were you
going in such a hurry?Copy !req
60. None of your beeswax.
Wait. Where were you going?Copy !req
61. - None of...
- We're searching
for a sacred idol.Copy !req
62. - What?
- Goddamn it!Copy !req
63. No, you can't.
I... forbid it!Copy !req
64. - Excuse me?
- I forbid it.Copy !req
65. As princess,
I forbid the lootingCopy !req
66. of Mitimotu's cultural artifacts
by you, you... Europeans!Copy !req
67. Code for "white."Copy !req
68. And what of it?Copy !req
69. And what color
are your Germans, huh?Copy !req
70. - Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Hey. Whoa, whoa.Copy !req
71. Where do you think
you're going?Copy !req
72. To beat the Germans to the idol.Copy !req
73. No, we are gonna
beat Archer to it.Copy !req
74. - Archer?
- Yes. So get in line, sister.Copy !req
75. Oh, I'm at the head of it.Copy !req
76. Why you little...
Do something!Copy !req
77. I, uh...
commandeer this véhicule!Copy !req
78. You what?Copy !req
79. - Woohoo!Copy !req
80. All right! Enough fun.Copy !req
81. Now back to business.Copy !req
82. Ja,
shooting those damn cannibals.Copy !req
83. Remember, you promised we could.Copy !req
84. Don't worry, men.Copy !req
85. We will kill anyone who dares
to interfere with our missionCopy !req
86. to bring the ultimate power
to the Fatherland!Copy !req
87. - Yeah!Copy !req
88. All right, already. Come on!
We don't need all this junk.Copy !req
89. That crate is just gin.Copy !req
90. And vermouth.
Now move it, big boy.Copy !req
91. We can't let Sterling beat us
to that damn idol.Copy !req
92. - That won't be too hard.
- Goddamn it, bird!Copy !req
93. Because he's stuck
in quicksand!Copy !req
94. - What? Where?
- Really?Copy !req
95. Quicksand. Pam, too.Copy !req
96. And I don't know
how much time they have left.Copy !req
97. - Before...?
- They die!Copy !req
98. Do you think it's enough time
for us to toodle on over,Copy !req
99. grab the idol, and then
come back and save them?Copy !req
100. - No!
- Don't get chippy with me, bird!Copy !req
101. I'm with her.
First we secure the idol,Copy !req
102. - and then we can rescue them.
- Exactly.Copy !req
103. For the love of God, woman!
Your son... is going... to die!Copy !req
104. Oh, all right.Copy !req
105. Take us to the damn quicksand.Copy !req
106. But I'll bet you dollars to
donuts, they've already escaped,Copy !req
107. found the idol,
and are just yucking it up!Copy !req
108. Don't! Don't say a word.Copy !req
109. I'm mad enough at you as it is.Copy !req
110. I was gonna say I wonder
what I'm gonna taste like.Copy !req
111. 'Cause this whole crazy thing's
kind of got me thinkingCopy !req
112. about if I'd ever, you know,
like, eat a person.Copy !req
113. And not
in a starvation-type deal,Copy !req
114. like the Donner Party
or whatever.Copy !req
115. - That goes without saying.Copy !req
116. Your fat white ass
is pioneer jerky.Copy !req
117. I'm talking about
where you voluntarily eat a guyCopy !req
118. like he's just damn dinner.
Or a woman.Copy !req
119. Ooh, or a teenage girl.Copy !req
120. But I wouldn't want her
to get killedCopy !req
121. just so I could eat her,
so maybe... I don't know.Copy !req
122. What if it was one
of these native girl'sCopy !req
123. confirmation or whatever?Copy !req
124. So she gets a ceremonial bath,
scrubbed head to toe,Copy !req
125. and then her whole body
gets shaved.Copy !req
126. - Why...?
- Shut up. Let me finish.Copy !req
127. But then,
on the way to the ceremony,Copy !req
128. this tender,
hairless young thingCopy !req
129. has a massive
yet painless brain aneurysmCopy !req
130. and falls into a vat
of braising liquid.Copy !req
131. - Why the hell would...Copy !req
132. Wow!
- What the...?
- Huh?Copy !req
133. You just described,
almost word for word,Copy !req
134. what's gonna happen to you guys
over the next two days.Copy !req
135. I mean,
is that goose bumps or what?Copy !req
136. - Who...?
- E-Except for the aneurysm.Copy !req
137. - Who the hell are you?
- I'm Noah.Copy !req
138. Besso ekla baht!Copy !req
139. Ek eklan oki.Copy !req
140. Wait, you speak their language?Copy !req
141. Uh, yeah, I should hope so.Copy !req
142. I mean, I've been here
almost four years now, so...Copy !req
143. Four years?Copy !req
144. So there's no way to escape?Copy !req
145. Um... Well, I suppose, I...Copy !req
146. Well, there's probably...Copy !req
147. Oh, gosh. I mean...Copy !req
148. - I don't know.
- What do you meanCopy !req
149. you don't know, idiot?
Haven't you even tried?Copy !req
150. Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm not their captive.Copy !req
151. I'm doing my doctoral
dissertation on the Mua Mua.Copy !req
152. I'm an anthropologist.Copy !req
153. - Wh... A spider scientist?
- What?Copy !req
154. That's an arachnologist.Copy !req
155. - Like you would know!
- No, no, it is.Copy !req
156. An anthropologist...Copy !req
157. I know
what an anthropologist is.Copy !req
158. - No, he doesn't.
- Nobody does!Copy !req
159. An anthropologist studies
human beingsCopy !req
160. and their societies
and cultures.Copy !req
161. The Mua Mua, for example...Copy !req
162. Zakila gizona.Copy !req
163. - Ek ezan oki!Copy !req
164. Are assholes.Copy !req
165. Yeah, right?
So then how 'bout it, man?Copy !req
166. - Help us escape.
- Yeah.Copy !req
167. No, no, no, no, no, no.
I couldn't do that.Copy !req
168. I-I'm here to document.
I can't interfere.Copy !req
169. - What?
- Even after they ate
your goddamn arm?Copy !req
170. Oh. Yeah.Copy !req
171. - Man, that was really...
- Eggelak!Copy !req
172. - Dongay emakume!Copy !req
173. What is she saying?Copy !req
174. That I taste like chicken.Copy !req
175. Which, to them,
is, like, the worst.Copy !req
176. - What the...?
- What's that?
- Oh.Copy !req
177. Uh, okay. Uh, well, I got to go.Copy !req
178. Uh, maybe I'll see you guys
later or maybe not.Copy !req
179. - Okay, bye!
- Wait,Copy !req
180. - what was that?
Nothing!Copy !req
181. I think it wassomething.Copy !req
182. - No shit.
- Yep.Copy !req
183. Well, if we get out
of this alive somehow,Copy !req
184. we should definitely open
a detective agency.Copy !req
185. Ooh!Copy !req
186. Aw, damn, but we're not getting
out alive, huh?Copy !req
187. - Nope.Copy !req
188. Well?Copy !req
189. Where the hell are they, bird?Copy !req
190. I-I don't get it.Copy !req
191. They were right here,
up to their necks in it!Copy !req
192. I ought to wring yourneck!Copy !req
193. This was all just a ruse.Copy !req
194. - What? A ruse?
- Oh, come on.
- A ruse?Copy !req
195. He set me up!Copy !req
196. This mite-riddled bird's
just stalling usCopy !req
197. so that Sterling can get
to the idol first.Copy !req
198. - Damn it, bird!
- Seriously?
- No!Copy !req
199. Whoa! First of all,
I am...Copy !req
200. almost mite-free.
And, B,Copy !req
201. I swear,
they were right here.Copy !req
202. Oh, go eat worms.
Come on, Reynaud,Copy !req
203. we can still beat him
if we hurry.Copy !req
204. Look, there's boot prints
coming up out of the quicksand.Copy !req
205. - Really?
- No!
- Ah, yes!Copy !req
206. And here's
another set of boot prints.Copy !req
207. And over there, there...Copy !req
208. there's all these different
sets of bare footprints.Copy !req
209. Pretty muscular,
by the looks of them.Copy !req
210. Muscular?
- And here,Copy !req
211. this trail is two
barefoot men,Copy !req
212. carrying a load between them,Copy !req
213. probably on, like,
a pole or something.Copy !req
214. See, they're, like,
six feet apart.Copy !req
215. - That's about the size of a man.
- Or a party sub.Copy !req
216. - Look, can we just...
- Shut up!Copy !req
217. - Do you think it was...?
- Yes! It was clearly Archer.Copy !req
218. And then here's a trail
of four menCopy !req
219. carrying a much,
much heavier load.Copy !req
220. Ooh, which I bet was Pam.Copy !req
221. Mon dieu, can it be
les cannibales?Copy !req
222. Oh, my God.Copy !req
223. Well, but since they're
out of the quicksand...Copy !req
224. And about to be eaten!Copy !req
225. We have to follow this trail
and rescue them.Copy !req
226. No. No, no. Uh-uh.Copy !req
227. As your princess, I demand
we get the idol first.Copy !req
228. As whose princess?Copy !req
229. Yeah, right?
Exactement!Copy !req
230. Et tu, Doudou?Copy !req
231. So we're just gonna go
gallivantingCopy !req
232. through this deadly jungle
because this dodo saysCopy !req
233. she can see a trail?Copy !req
234. Do you seriously not?
It's so obvious.Copy !req
235. Then let's go.Copy !req
236. Come on, Lady Baltimore.Copy !req
237. Ew, look!
This guy has ringworm.Copy !req
238. So, where do you think
everybody went?Copy !req
239. Who knows?
Probably taking a voteCopy !req
240. - on what sides to serve us with.
- Ooh...Copy !req
241. But I'm not sticking around
to find out.Copy !req
242. Well, unless you know
something I don't...Copy !req
243. What, besides everything?Copy !req
244. - Oh, hardy-har.Copy !req
245. Including, look, there's a piece
of, uh, whatchamacallit.Copy !req
246. Ob-Obsidian.Copy !req
247. - So?
- So we can cut the ropesCopy !req
248. with it, dummy.Copy !req
249. If I can just scrooch
down the pole, I can...Copy !req
250. - Get a splinter in your ass?
- I'm not gonna get a—Copy !req
251. - Goddamn it.Copy !req
252. We'll see how funny...
you think it isCopy !req
253. when I leave you here.Copy !req
254. Oh...Copy !req
255. Does that mean
we're not getting married?Copy !req
256. You know, first of all,
that was...Copy !req
257. I just wanted you
to die happy.Copy !req
258. Ha!Copy !req
259. And, two, I'm about this closeCopy !req
260. to getting
a new goddamn sidekick.Copy !req
261. How is this Crackers's fault?Copy !req
262. Wha— Not Crackers! You.Copy !req
263. You think I'mthe sidekick?Copy !req
264. - Yes, Lennie!Copy !req
265. Well?Copy !req
266. Cut me loose.Copy !req
267. I will, but only because
I choose to.Copy !req
268. Well, bully for you.Copy !req
269. And, while you're at it,Copy !req
270. you can leave one hand
tied behind my back.Copy !req
271. - Why?
- So I can whip your ass fairly.Copy !req
272. Oh, my God,
you are such a Lennie.Copy !req
273. Well, if we get out
of this bullshit...Copy !req
274. If we do,
it's only because I unleashedCopy !req
275. the power of obsidian.Copy !req
276. You won't have old Pam
to kick around anymore because—Copy !req
277. Shh. Stop. Stop it.
Stop cutting.Copy !req
278. - What?Copy !req
279. Is your dick hard?Copy !req
280. No.Copy !req
281. Then what... is touching...
my ass?Copy !req
282. - Also nothing.
- Oh, for the—Copy !req
283. Ew!Copy !req
284. - No, no, no, no, no, no. Wait.
- Dude,Copy !req
285. that is a hard dick.Copy !req
286. It's not that hard.Copy !req
287. Oh, please.Copy !req
288. I bet it hasn't been that hardCopy !req
289. since the time the Army
checked you for a hernia.Copy !req
290. I told you that
in confidence.Copy !req
291. Yeah, well,
I ain't your priest.Copy !req
292. Speaking of hard dicks...Copy !req
293. I also told you that
in confidence!Copy !req
294. Oh, don't flatter
yourself, it was just a reflex.Copy !req
295. Uh-huh.Copy !req
296. An involuntary
biological responseCopy !req
297. to physical and visual stimuli.Copy !req
298. Well, then I hope
to God this helps.Copy !req
299. Ka-kow.Copy !req
300. Yeah, that's... wait.Copy !req
301. - What's the opposite of stimuli?
- That.Copy !req
302. It's not supposed to be sexy,
it's protective.Copy !req
303. In case there's thorns.Copy !req
304. Okay, Master Coconut.Copy !req
305. Nobody gets that.Copy !req
306. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
307. What do you think you're doing?Copy !req
308. Making piña coladas.Copy !req
309. What the hell's it look
like we're doing?Copy !req
310. I-I genuinely don't know.Copy !req
311. We're escaping.Copy !req
312. Wait, what? No. No, you can't.Copy !req
313. I'll be punished.Copy !req
314. Not if you're dead.Copy !req
315. Well, you say that...Copy !req
316. Hey, buddy, no shit,
she will kill youCopy !req
317. - like an innocent baby rabbit.
- Goddamn it.Copy !req
318. So what's the best way
out of here?Copy !req
319. Well, that's the thing,
there isn't one now.Copy !req
320. The conch is telling
the Mua Mua warriorsCopy !req
321. to prepare for battle.Copy !req
322. - What, why?
- Well, apparently,Copy !req
323. a scout saw another group
of warriorsCopy !req
324. headed toward the village.Copy !req
325. What other warriors?Copy !req
326. I swear to God, if those
cannibals don't have a bar,Copy !req
327. I may literally die.Copy !req
328. Oh, my God, and an oyster bar.Copy !req
329. I can pretty much guaranteeCopy !req
330. they don't have
either of those things.Copy !req
331. Savages.Copy !req
332. Well, you two idiots
can stick aroundCopy !req
333. to find out and then get eaten,Copy !req
334. but I'm gonna go find
that goddamn idol.Copy !req
335. Wait. What idol?Copy !req
336. You mean the tupua?Copy !req
337. Whatever it's called, I...Copy !req
338. How do you know where it is?Copy !req
339. We got a map.Copy !req
340. - Whoa.
- A secret map, that is a secret.Copy !req
341. Who's he gonna tell?
- Oh, man.Copy !req
342. The tupuawould be
the greatest archaeological findCopy !req
343. of the-the... well, probably
just the past couple of years,Copy !req
344. but still.Copy !req
345. Still what? You're not coming.Copy !req
346. Oh, come on,
I-I know the jungle.Copy !req
347. - No.
- I-I can readCopy !req
348. any native petroglyphs
we might find.Copy !req
349. - No, I said.
- I know how to get past
all the giant bouldersCopy !req
350. and poison darts and stuff.Copy !req
351. The... do what, now?Copy !req
352. - Yeah, do huh?
Oh, man.Copy !req
353. Yeah, the legends all say
the tupuais hiddenCopy !req
354. deep inside a labyrinth
of shafts and tunnels,Copy !req
355. just packed
with deadly booby traps.Copy !req
356. - So...
- That's why you got to know
your petroglyphs.Copy !req
357. Okay, change of plans,
you're coming with us.Copy !req
358. Yeah!Copy !req
359. Oh, wait, h-hang on. Hang on.Copy !req
360. I-I don't, I don't have to wear
one of those, do I?Copy !req
361. And can we stop
and rest a while?Copy !req
362. I think my electrolyte
levels are low.Copy !req
363. Gin levels.
- Also.Copy !req
364. No, I think we're getting close
to a village or something.Copy !req
365. Look, there's a ton
of footprints around here.Copy !req
366. Plus, this?Copy !req
367. Well, as long as we're close.Copy !req
368. Please, I can't leave
without my dissertation.Copy !req
369. - Yes, you can, now come on.
- It's four years of writing.Copy !req
370. - Plus, I had to make
the paper from scratch.
Ay!Copy !req
371. Oh, shit!
Oh, my God!
- Kekkozat?Copy !req
372. - What, oh, no, shh.
- Kekkozat!Copy !req
373. - No. Shh.
- Punch her in the face.Copy !req
374. - What?
- Kekkozat!Copy !req
375. - Punch her in the face.
- Kekkozat!Copy !req
376. I can't punch
an old lady in— ow!Copy !req
377. Dongay ekakume!Copy !req
378. Whoa.Copy !req
379. - Yeah, not cool.
- What?Copy !req
380. - But you just told me to...
- Lakundu!Copy !req
381. Lakundu! Lakundu!Copy !req
382. - Now can we go, please?Copy !req
383. But my dissertation...Copy !req
384. actually had kind of
a weak premise.Copy !req
385. Ketak.Copy !req
386. - Ketakalak.Copy !req
387. Batu! Batu, batu!Copy !req
388. Goddamn it!
Eat a dick, cannibals.Copy !req
389. It's funny you say that.Copy !req
390. - Actually...
- It's a figure of speech, Noah.Copy !req
391. No, let him finish.Copy !req
392. Oh, my God.Copy !req
393. I was gonna say
that they don't eat the penis.Copy !req
394. The testicles, though...Copy !req
395. Nok geziak!Copy !req
396. Lakana.Copy !req
397. In there.Copy !req
398. Schmidt!Copy !req
399. Was dauert so lange?Copy !req
400. Weil mein Schwanz so lang ist.Copy !req
401. Nun beeile dich!Copy !req
402. Ja, ja.Copy !req
403. Komm runter, Junge.Copy !req
404. Seriously?Copy !req
405. - Scheisse.
Was,Copy !req
406. hast du auf deine
Schue gepisst?Copy !req
407. Schmidt?Copy !req
408. What the hell?
Why did you do that?Copy !req
409. - Guys?
- What? He was gonna
wipe them out.Copy !req
410. Yeah, problem solved.Copy !req
411. - Guys.
- What?
- What?Copy !req
412. He wants us to come with him.Copy !req
413. Gee, thanks, Noah.Copy !req
414. Oh, you're welcome.Copy !req
415. Zwei Manner,
gehen und finden Schmidt.Copy !req
416. Eh? Zakila koko?Copy !req
417. He wants to know why you stuffed
your genitals into a coconut.Copy !req
418. Because I hate
this goddamn island.Copy !req
419. Zu laguna Mua Mua.Copy !req
420. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.Copy !req
421. He says you saved their lives,Copy !req
422. so now you're friends
of the Mua Mua.Copy !req
423. Batu baruka zu zaku.Copy !req
424. And that together,
we will kill these white devils.Copy !req
425. Nik andu.Copy !req
426. Uh, no offense.Copy !req
427. None taken?Copy !req
428. Teko besta.Copy !req
429. And then,
we'll have a huge feast.Copy !req
430. Ekari zim.Copy !req
431. Oh, my gosh, really?Copy !req
432. - Wow.
- What?Copy !req
433. Ah, well, he said
even I could come.Copy !req
434. Do you not normally go
to the feasts?Copy !req
435. Oh, no, no.Copy !req
436. God, no.Copy !req
437. They're... super racist.Copy !req
438. Well, guess you can find outCopy !req
439. what a human being
tastes like after all.Copy !req
440. Oh, man, and this
is probably gonna sound weird,Copy !req
441. but I could kind of eat.Copy !req
442. A person?Copy !req
443. Not a whole person, asshole.Copy !req
444. But maybe, like, a drumstick?Copy !req
445. Made in Georgia.Copy !req
446. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBHCopy !req