1. Oh, please, get serious.Copy !req
2. I'm plenty serious.
That was the very definitionCopy !req
3. of a sucker punch.Copy !req
4. Well, even if it was—
which it wasn't—Copy !req
5. you would've deserved it.Copy !req
6. For what, saving your dumb ass
from giant lizards?Copy !req
7. Giant lizards I wouldn't
have had to deal with...Copy !req
8. You call that dealing with?Copy !req
9. if you'd fixed
the goddamn fuel pump.Copy !req
10. Oh, okay.Copy !req
11. So it's all my fault.Copy !req
12. Yes.Copy !req
13. Well, still a sucker punch.Copy !req
14. - Ow!
Now, that's a sucker pun...Copy !req
15. Ow! Son of a...Copy !req
16. Ow!
Goddamn it!Copy !req
17. Hang on. Wait.Copy !req
18. - Stop it.
- What?Copy !req
19. That.Copy !req
20. Goddamn it.Copy !req
21. What?Copy !req
22. And, frankly, I really don't seeCopy !req
23. how this is
any of your business.Copy !req
24. What are you...
I own the business.Copy !req
25. - I meant...
- And I own that
business over there.Copy !req
26. And I own this business.Copy !req
27. You don't own
the police station.Copy !req
28. - Yeah.
- Well, I...Copy !req
29. Shut up.
And, Mother, I thinkCopy !req
30. we're losing sight
of how amazingCopy !req
31. that landing would've been
if, you know...Copy !req
32. - It worked?
- Right?Copy !req
33. And if ifs and buts
were candy and nuts,Copy !req
34. - we'd all have
a merry Christmas.
- Aw.Copy !req
35. And maybe Santa would bring meCopy !req
36. a new $60,000 seaplane.Copy !req
37. Don't be so dramatic,
she's not a total loss,Copy !req
38. she just needs new wings.Copy !req
39. And a fuel pump.
- Woman.Copy !req
40. Shipped out here
from the States.Copy !req
41. God knows when.Copy !req
42. It took three months to get
new tubes for the damn radio.Copy !req
43. And God knows
how much it'll cost.Copy !req
44. Well, and the airplane factory,Copy !req
45. presumably, would know.Copy !req
46. You're paying for them.Copy !req
47. Well, but you own
the business.Copy !req
48. Which I will liquidate
like a piña colada.Copy !req
49. You're paying for them.Copy !req
50. - But...
- And in the meantime,Copy !req
51. you'd better figure out
how to replace the moneyCopy !req
52. I won't be making
on Archer Airways,Copy !req
53. or you can just
pack your suitcase!Copy !req
54. It happens to be a duffel bag!Copy !req
55. - That's tellin' her.
- Eh.Copy !req
56. Now, move this aeroplane
from la rue.Copy !req
57. From what?Copy !req
58. La rue! La rue!Copy !req
59. What the hell's la rue?Copy !req
60. I think it's, like,
a-a base for sauces?Copy !req
61. You know, like,
for gravy or whatever?Copy !req
62. So, I'm thinking
new wings for LucyCopy !req
63. are gon... gonna cost
about five grand.Copy !req
64. Which we don't have.Copy !req
65. And which we can't
make without Lucy.Copy !req
66. We got to fly to make money,Copy !req
67. but we got to have
the money to fly, so...Copy !req
68. Yeah, that's a real Catch-22.Copy !req
69. Uh, I don't think
that's a thing yet.Copy !req
70. So, money: any ideas?Copy !req
71. Mmm... nope.Copy !req
72. Come on,
let's just spitball it.Copy !req
73. - Nope.
- Pam.Copy !req
74. - No.
- Come on, there are
no bad ideas.Copy !req
75. Oh, well, isn't that a change?Copy !req
76. - What is?
- All of a sudden
it's anything goes.Copy !req
77. - What are you...?
- No bad ideas?Copy !req
78. Oh, Jesus Christ.Copy !req
79. Are you talking about...
That was a terrible idea.Copy !req
80. No, it wasn't.Copy !req
81. We were the laughingstock
of the Andes.Copy !req
82. - And we lost our asses.
- Okay, yeah, I mean,Copy !req
83. maybe it was a little
ahead of its time, but...Copy !req
84. - Oh, my God.
- It was local,
it was sustainable.Copy !req
85. - It was rats.
- It wasn't rats.Copy !req
86. Dos por uno, dos por uno.Copy !req
87. Chinchilladas.Copy !req
88. El sabor sensación
que está barriendo la nación.Copy !req
89. Goddamn it.Copy !req
90. Plus, the fur farms practically
gave us the meat for free.Copy !req
91. It's probably free
at the glue factory,Copy !req
92. it doesn't mean
people want to eat it.Copy !req
93. Because it's broken-down
old horse meat.Copy !req
94. Chinchilla,
on the other hand,Copy !req
95. is some of the finest fur
you can buy.Copy !req
96. So is mink.
But people don't eat it.Copy !req
97. - I've eaten mink.
- I do not doubt that.Copy !req
98. How was it?Copy !req
99. Minky.Copy !req
100. All right, Miss Priss,Copy !req
101. - let's go, let's see the goods.
Oh, all right,Copy !req
102. but be nice—
I didn't have much to work with.Copy !req
103. You can say that again.Copy !req
104. Can't you pad it with something?Copy !req
105. - Pad what?
- Your brassiere.Copy !req
106. No!
I meant my wardrobe.Copy !req
107. I packed
for a honeymoon, not a...Copy !req
108. a descent into profound
and lasting shame.Copy !req
109. You're still
gonna want to pad it.Copy !req
110. Why not?
You heard your mom—Copy !req
111. there's obviously a demand.Copy !req
112. Because I don't
think it's feasibleCopy !req
113. to build
a radio tube factory here.Copy !req
114. Yeah, there's probably
zoning issues.Copy !req
115. That's your number one concern?Copy !req
116. I haven't ranked them.Copy !req
117. Well, mine is rickets,
and scurvy, and scabies,Copy !req
118. and whatever other bullshit
diseases poor people get.Copy !req
119. Hmm.Copy !req
120. I wonder if that idol's
worth anything.Copy !req
121. Wait, what?
What-what idol?Copy !req
122. I don't know. In the jungle,
the princess and the KrautCopy !req
123. were talking
about some kind of idol.Copy !req
124. - What kind of idol?
- Some kind. I dunno,
they didn't...Copy !req
125. - Like a native idol?
- They...Copy !req
126. So that's why
that little German sneakCopy !req
127. is on the island.
Are we talking jade?Copy !req
128. Emerald? Ruby?Copy !req
129. Gold?Copy !req
130. They didn't say.Copy !req
131. I bet it's a gold monkey.Copy !req
132. No. Not a gold monkey.Copy !req
133. - You don't know that.
- Yes, I do.Copy !req
134. Not a gold monkey.Copy !req
135. But it could be gold, though.Copy !req
136. Yeah, I guess, as long
as it's not monkey-shaped.Copy !req
137. - What are we talking about?
- Why you're not a dog.Copy !req
138. - Shut up, dodos.
- Flightless.Copy !req
139. - So where is it?
- I don't know.Copy !req
140. - Where's what?
- The idol.Copy !req
141. Ooh.Copy !req
142. But since they had us
fly 'em aroundCopy !req
143. over the jungle...Copy !req
144. Oh, for...
I assume it's in the jungle.Copy !req
145. A golden idol,
somewhere in the jungle.Copy !req
146. I bet it's worth millions.Copy !req
147. I think you must
sharpen your pencil.Copy !req
148. - Excuse me?
- Sharpen your pencil?Copy !req
149. It is idiom?Copy !req
150. - This is a fairly
common phrase, no?
- No.Copy !req
151. It means there's
a problem with your arithmetic.Copy !req
152. My government will pay
100,000 reichsmarksCopy !req
153. for the idol,
undnot one pfennig more.Copy !req
154. Hmm. I wonder how much
Japan would pay.Copy !req
155. What does Japan
have to do with this?Copy !req
156. Well, I'm sure they'd like to
lease an airfield on the island,Copy !req
157. if, say, they ever
declared war on America?Copy !req
158. Mein Gott.Copy !req
159. Are you serious?Copy !req
160. The French have
subjugated my peopleCopy !req
161. for a hundred years.Copy !req
162. I would do literally
anything to be rid of them.Copy !req
163. Literally?
Or figuratively?Copy !req
164. Why? What did you have in mind?Copy !req
165. Oh.Copy !req
166. Well, it is hard to say.
My mind is quite racing.Copy !req
167. There are
many thoughts in there.Copy !req
168. Pick one.Copy !req
169. Perhaps we could pay...Copy !req
170. 500,000?Copy !req
171. - Wait, what are you?
- Shh.Copy !req
172. Pretending I'm on the phone.Copy !req
173. Hello, Japan?Copy !req
174. Hi, yeah.
So, listen...Copy !req
175. All right!
One millionreichsmarks!Copy !req
176. Payable only once we have
secured the idol.Copy !req
177. And so far, we have no idea
where to even look for it.Copy !req
178. As for that, I found thisCopy !req
179. hidden among
my great-grandfather's papers.Copy !req
180. Fantastiche.
So, do we have a deal?Copy !req
181. If, when the time comes,Copy !req
182. Germany helps my people
overthrow the French.Copy !req
183. Ja,
I think I can safely promiseCopy !req
184. that soon you won't
have to worry about France.Copy !req
185. Then yes, Herr Sebert,
we have a deal.Copy !req
186. Wunderbar.Copy !req
187. Now then, I believeCopy !req
188. there was some mention
of a pencil?Copy !req
189. Oh, ja, ich habe
eine grosen Stift...Copy !req
190. I'll be the judge of that.Copy !req
191. Okay, Fuchs is renting
a bungalow on the edge of town,Copy !req
192. so I say we break in,
snoop around,Copy !req
193. and see what we can find outCopy !req
194. about this gold non-monkey.Copy !req
195. So, rob him.Copy !req
196. Well, technically burgle, but...Copy !req
197. Shut up, but yeah.
For clues.Copy !req
198. Ooh, like, maybe there's a map.Copy !req
199. Yes.
Like a treasure map.Copy !req
200. Yeah, right, with a big X on it,Copy !req
201. treasure chest, skull-and-bones.Copy !req
202. Don't be shitty.
And also,Copy !req
203. why would the map
have pirate shit all over it?Copy !req
204. Well, we are
in the shipping lane.Copy !req
205. So, you weren'tCopy !req
206. kidding around
about that pencil, huh?Copy !req
207. - That is not
a topic for levity.
- Fair enough.Copy !req
208. It is interesting—
I notice that,Copy !req
209. even in the throes of passion,Copy !req
210. you have no trace
of a Polynesian accent.Copy !req
211. Well, that's because I was
sent away to boarding schoolCopy !req
212. in the States when I was five,
all the way through college.Copy !req
213. Undyet you mention
alliance with Japan.Copy !req
214. I would think your affinityCopy !req
215. would lie with
the United States.Copy !req
216. Right, because that
worked out so well for Hawaii.Copy !req
217. I always found it ironic thatCopy !req
218. if you really
want to get bent over,Copy !req
219. just ask a missionary.Copy !req
220. Fair enough.Copy !req
221. So why is the German government
so interested in the tupua?Copy !req
222. - The...?
- Tupua. The idol.Copy !req
223. Oh. Well, umm...Copy !req
224. Oh, don't worry about them.Copy !req
225. In order join the royal guards,
when they're 12 years old,Copy !req
226. they have to agree to have
their tongues cut out, so...Copy !req
227. Gott im Himmel!Copy !req
228. That was a joke.Copy !req
229. Oh, sorry, I, uh...Copy !req
230. Wow, ethnocentric much?Copy !req
231. Tu'ua i matou.Copy !req
232. So, tupua—Copy !req
233. Germany's interest in?Copy !req
234. Ah, yes, well,
the Fuührer, um...Copy !req
235. - The Charlie Chaplin guy?
- Nein!Copy !req
236. Nein.Copy !req
237. We never, ever say this thing.Copy !req
238. - Really?
- Trust me.Copy !req
239. Anyway, the Fuührer is,Copy !req
240. um, a bit of
an anthropology buff.Copy !req
241. And so Germany
will build a museum.Copy !req
242. - Fair enough.
- The most powerful
museum in the world!Copy !req
243. For childrenCopy !req
244. of all ages.Copy !req
245. Okay, so here's the plan.Copy !req
246. We need to keep FuchsCopy !req
247. away from his bungalow
for a few hours,Copy !req
248. so after he finishes
eating dinner here...Copy !req
249. How do you know
he's gonna eat here?Copy !req
250. Where else is he gonna eat?Copy !req
251. Luigi's?Copy !req
252. I like Luigi's.Copy !req
253. Yeah, you're also
teeming with mites.Copy !req
254. Not teeming.Copy !req
255. So, shut up.
After dinner,Copy !req
256. we need to make sure
he stays here.Copy !req
257. M'kay.Copy !req
258. Don't you want to know how?Copy !req
259. - I'd like to know
what, and why.
- What?Copy !req
260. What are you goofs doing here,Copy !req
261. and, follow up,
why are you doing it here?Copy !req
262. For your information,
we're working on a planCopy !req
263. to earn enough money to pay you,
and to get new wings, so...Copy !req
264. It better not be chinchilladas!Copy !req
265. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.Copy !req
266. - See?
- Chinchilladas?Copy !req
267. I'd forgotten all about that.Copy !req
268. It's not chinchilladas!Copy !req
269. Jesus Christ...Copy !req
270. Well, whatever it is,
do it somewhere else.Copy !req
271. - We can't.
- Why not?Copy !req
272. - Hey.
- Because we want to hire her.Copy !req
273. Wait, what?Copy !req
274. Wait, ew!
Who is "we"?Copy !req
275. - Like, wewe, or...
- Yeah.Copy !req
276. No, not...
It's for after dinner.Copy !req
277. - Oh, right.
- That makes more sense.Copy !req
278. We want her to entertain
the Kraut for an hour or so.Copy !req
279. That greasy little German guy?
No!Copy !req
280. Why are you talking?Copy !req
281. All right, A:
what are you up to?Copy !req
282. And B: what's it
got to do with Fuchs?Copy !req
283. A: nothing,
and B: also nothing.Copy !req
284. - For one hour?
A thousand francs.
- What?Copy !req
285. - Wait, is that a lot?
- Yes.Copy !req
286. - That depends...
- Yes!Copy !req
287. on if you think
35 bucks is a lot.Copy !req
288. - What?
- Right?Copy !req
289. Well, we have to see
what the market will bear...Copy !req
290. And if I only get 40%...Copy !req
291. 14 goddamn dollars?Copy !req
292. Well, minus your room and board,Copy !req
293. so let's just call it
an even... nine.Copy !req
294. Nine dollars?Copy !req
295. To have sexual intercourse.Copy !req
296. With a total stranger.Copy !req
297. I don't know
why you're so pissed,Copy !req
298. I was a stranger
and you banged me for free.Copy !req
299. Yeah, well, at least with him
I get two eyeballs.Copy !req
300. Hey!Copy !req
301. One thousand, please.
In advance.Copy !req
302. Where is the trust?Copy !req
303. Where is the money?Copy !req
304. Pam?Copy !req
305. What?
Aw, man.Copy !req
306. I was saving that for a whole
big girlie treat day for myself.Copy !req
307. Go to the beauty parlor,
get a new dress...Copy !req
308. No one cares.Copy !req
309. Teeming.Copy !req
310. One for dinner, please.Copy !req
311. Undtell the chef I wantCopy !req
312. the biggest steak in the house,
rare undbloody.Copy !req
313. I must replenish
my Lebenskraft.Copy !req
314. Try not to fall in love.Copy !req
315. And you might as well start now,Copy !req
316. see if you can
get a free meal out of it.Copy !req
317. You said my board's included.Copy !req
318. Just the continental
breakfast, dear.Copy !req
319. - Wh...?
Free bear claws!Copy !req
320. So, breadfruit—Copy !req
321. what's that about?Copy !req
322. Oh, about one kilo, on average.Copy !req
323. That was a joke.Copy !req
324. Hey, are you gonna eatCopy !req
325. those potatoes
and stuff or whatever?Copy !req
326. Ja.Copy !req
327. Because I should probably
maybe eat something.Copy !req
328. - I'm getting kinda drunk.
- Ja.Copy !req
329. And sometimes when I'm drunk,Copy !req
330. I can get a little crazy.Copy !req
331. Ja?Copy !req
332. Ja.Copy !req
333. So I at least need a haircut.Copy !req
334. Care-cut.Copy !req
335. Carrot.Copy !req
336. Oh. Heh.Copy !req
337. Don't worry, Liebchen...Copy !req
338. I have eine grose Karotte
for you.Copy !req
339. Wow.Copy !req
340. How are you still single?Copy !req
341. Okay, Crackers, this is whereCopy !req
342. - you come in.
You see that bathroom window?
- Yup.Copy !req
343. I want you to fly in there and
then meet us at the front door.Copy !req
344. Yup.Copy !req
345. - And keep it down.
Yup, yup, yup.Copy !req
346. It's like if a...Copy !req
347. sorry.
Goddamn it.Copy !req
348. Sorry! Jesus.Copy !req
349. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
350. - I swear to God...Copy !req
351. And you know they live
to be like, 80.Copy !req
352. - How old's he?
- Like 40?Copy !req
353. - Ugh.Copy !req
354. Goddamn it, bird.Copy !req
355. Well, who puts that there?Copy !req
356. Are you in position?Copy !req
357. For what?Copy !req
358. - To open the door!
What?Copy !req
359. Open the goddamn door!Copy !req
360. How?Copy !req
361. What do you mean, how?Copy !req
362. Yeah, what was your plan there?Copy !req
363. I don't know,
jump on the handle.Copy !req
364. It's a knob.Copy !req
365. Clearly a knob.Copy !req
366. Oh, my God.Copy !req
367. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.Copy !req
368. Okay, let me think.Copy !req
369. - What-what if we...Copy !req
370. Wh...?
Why would you do that?Copy !req
371. Because we don't have all night.Copy !req
372. We also don't want Fuchs to knowCopy !req
373. somebody broke into his house.Copy !req
374. Oh, he's gonna know.Copy !req
375. Offne deinen mund,
mein Liebchen.Copy !req
376. Hier kommt
der Zug in den Bahnhof.Copy !req
377. - And how is everything,
Miss Vandertunt?Copy !req
378. Wonderful, wonderful.Copy !req
379. And would you
and your guest care to enjoyCopy !req
380. brandy and cigars
in your room upstairs?Copy !req
381. Ja, we will enjoy this
very much.Copy !req
382. Because why are you so mad?Copy !req
383. Because why'd
you shit on the sofa?Copy !req
384. - I was scared.
- Of what?Copy !req
385. How mad you'd be
that I shit on the sofa.Copy !req
386. Bird, I swear...
Ow!Copy !req
387. - What the...?
What is it?Copy !req
388. It happens to be a large
brown suitcase, Pam.Copy !req
389. With some kind of
spy radio inside.Copy !req
390. - Dun dun dun!
- Bird.Copy !req
391. Knock it off, you licknuts.Copy !req
392. And come here,
look at all this shit.Copy !req
393. - What the...?
Right?Copy !req
394. And check this out...Copy !req
395. What's it all mean?Copy !req
396. Beats me, but I'm thinkingCopy !req
397. that Kraut
is into some weird shit.Copy !req
398. Redundant.Copy !req
399. Ja, mein Liebchen,Copy !req
400. und wir tanzen...Copy !req
401. Und so schon ist der Jazz...Copy !req
402. Und Gott verdammt
deisen Bustenhalter.Copy !req
403. Wait, what?Copy !req
404. Und wir tanzen...Copy !req
405. And you guys, check this out.Copy !req
406. Holy shit! That's the island!Copy !req
407. Gooosebumps.Copy !req
408. Racist.
All birds have bumps.Copy !req
409. And look, I bet that's the idol.Copy !req
410. Okay, come on, let's go.Copy !req
411. What're you...?
No. We can't take the map.Copy !req
412. He'll know he got robbed.Copy !req
413. - Ya think?
- Well, technically
burgled, but...Copy !req
414. Bird!
Pam, copy it.Copy !req
415. - The bird?
The map! Goddamn it!Copy !req
416. You copy the map,
we'll clean up all the mess.Copy !req
417. Man, where to start, right?Copy !req
418. - Said the feather duster.Copy !req
419. Komm schon.Copy !req
420. - [thud, thumps]
- Du doof Schlampe.Copy !req
421. Wohl, das wird dich wecken.Copy !req
422. Son of a...
Knock knock.Copy !req
423. Nein! Nein!Copy !req
424. Well, what have we here?Copy !req
425. Nothing!
What do you want?Copy !req
426. I brought you some more brandy,
but it looks likeCopy !req
427. your hostess has already
had a bit too much.Copy !req
428. - Maybe we should let her sleep.Copy !req
429. She's fine. Get out.Copy !req
430. Let's let her sleep.Copy !req
431. Gottverdammt, woman.Copy !req
432. Are you deaf or just stupid?Copy !req
433. Pick one.Copy !req
434. Manu, dear, could I borrow you?Copy !req
435. Would you be a little lambCopy !req
436. and show Miss Vandertunt's
guest to the door?Copy !req
437. Fine.
Undfrom now on,Copy !req
438. I will eat die
Scheisen-Pastaat Luigi's.Copy !req
439. Ugh! Luigi's.Copy !req
440. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
441. Upsy daisy.Copy !req
442. Oh!Copy !req
443. Do I get my nine dollars now?Copy !req
444. No.Copy !req
445. I cannot wait to find
that verdammtidolCopy !req
446. and get off this Scheiseisland.Copy !req
447. Undwhy
am I speaking English?Copy !req
448. Pam, how's the map?
You almost done?Copy !req
449. Hang on.
West and east.Copy !req
450. Yeah, okay, done.Copy !req
451. What the shit?Copy !req
452. Oh, I know,
it's just getting worse.Copy !req
453. I said blot.
Why didn't you blot?Copy !req
454. Why didn't I
sew your asshole shutCopy !req
455. like a Christmas goddamn goose?Copy !req
456. - Huh?
- What?Copy !req
457. - Is that not how they do it?
- First of all,Copy !req
458. I'm pretty sure
the asshole is gone,Copy !req
459. out of any bird
way before you start cooking.Copy !req
460. Was ist los?Copy !req
461. Ach. Das fenster
ist zerbrochen...Copy !req
462. Okay, we're going to plan B.Copy !req
463. What?
No, I hate plan B.Copy !req
464. We're doing plan B.Copy !req
465. - And you better sell it, bird.Copy !req
466. Come on, out the back.Copy !req
467. Hallo?Copy !req
468. Aw, man...Copy !req
469. Okay, here goes.Copy !req
470. [laughing, low]
Oh, man.Copy !req
471. Plan B is the best.Copy !req
472. Aagh! Fledermaus, fledermaus!Copy !req
473. Excuse me?Copy !req
474. Come here, please.Copy !req
475. Si, signore?Copy !req
476. So, for context,
last night I was attackedCopy !req
477. by what I can only assume
was a giant jungle bat,Copy !req
478. which did this to my face,
and left meCopy !req
479. and my house covered
in blood undshit.Copy !req
480. Ah. Terribile...Copy !req
481. Ja ja, it was indeed terrible.Copy !req
482. But not compared
to this breakfast!Copy !req
483. And probably not compared
to this goddamn map.Copy !req
484. Aw, come on, I was in a hurry.Copy !req
485. To suck?Copy !req
486. I'll tell you what sucks...Copy !req
487. Ooh.
Being mistaken for a bat.Copy !req
488. Ooh.Copy !req
489. But not as much as that map.Copy !req
490. Made in Georgia.Copy !req
491. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBHCopy !req
492. Beware Danger Island.Copy !req
493. - Oh!Copy !req
494. I am genuinely
sorry.Copy !req
495. Archer Danger Island.Copy !req
496. All-new, Wednesdays at 10:00.Copy !req
497. Only on FXX.Copy !req