1. FXX presents—
Whoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
2. Archer Danger Island.Copy !req
3. - Oh, for...Copy !req
4. Asshole!Copy !req
5. Why's everybody pissed at me?Copy !req
6. I'm the one with no parachute
in a plane that can't land.Copy !req
7. Which...Copy !req
8. Well?Copy !req
9. What do we do now?Copy !req
10. I mean, pretty much just this.Copy !req
11. She means how do we land?Copy !req
12. Oh. Yeah, that's
this whole big thing.Copy !req
13. - What do you mean?
- Gott im Himmel...Copy !req
14. You need, like, training.Copy !req
15. - So train us.
- Ja.Copy !req
16. Okay, okay, uh...Copy !req
17. Okay, the first thing
you wanna doCopy !req
18. is get out your notebooks
and two number two pencils.Copy !req
19. What?
Was?Copy !req
20. Wait, shit, that was
the classroom portion.Copy !req
21. - Gott verdamme dich.
- Which...Copy !req
22. I mean,
even if we had pencils...Copy !req
23. Tell us what to do.Copy !req
24. Okay, when you're about
to hit the ground,Copy !req
25. you just kinda go limp.Copy !req
26. - Limp?
- Heh. Oh, right, like this guyCopy !req
27. doesn't know what "limp" means,
am I right, ladies?Copy !req
28. - Crackers!
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
29. - Was ist "limp"?
- Relax.Copy !req
30. How?Copy !req
31. Ugh. It means relax.Copy !req
32. Dipshit.
- Right?Copy !req
33. But can we get
a little more detail?Copy !req
34. Jesus, lady, okay.Copy !req
35. Your knees are kind of bent,Copy !req
36. and right
when you hit the ground,Copy !req
37. you relax
and just fall over sideways,Copy !req
38. and kind of roll
from your feet, up your legs,Copy !req
39. - and then...Copy !req
40. Well, shit. Okay, Princess
Highpockets, you're up.Copy !req
41. No, no, no, no,
wait, wait, wait, wait!Copy !req
42. Jesus, people, how hard
is it to...Copy !req
43. Aah!Copy !req
44. Oh, man. I had
something about, like,Copy !req
45. "flying is for the birds"?Copy !req
46. No, it's gone.Copy !req
47. Goddamn it.Copy !req
48. Come on, you son of a...Copy !req
49. Idiocy.Copy !req
50. Help!Copy !req
51. Get me down.Copy !req
52. - Shh!
- Now.Copy !req
53. - I will, but quit yelling.Copy !req
54. - We're not currentlyCopy !req
55. - at the top of the food chain.
Sorry.Copy !req
56. Now relax, you're gonna be fine.Copy !req
57. Help!Copy !req
58. Him, on the other hand...Copy !req
59. Yikes.Copy !req
60. That's enough to make any guy
go limp, am I right, ladies?Copy !req
61. Shut up, bird.Copy !req
62. Eh.Copy !req
63. Promise me.Copy !req
64. Bocados de mierda.Copy !req
65. I promise I will catch you.Copy !req
66. Well, you'd better.
It is a crimeCopy !req
67. to harm a member
of the royal family.Copy !req
68. What, you gonna
arrest the ground?Copy !req
69. - Oh, so you can
crack wise, but...
- Bird...Copy !req
70. - Okay,Copy !req
71. - one, two, three!Copy !req
72. My goodness.Copy !req
73. I didn't realize
you were so strong.Copy !req
74. Yeah, state cheese toss champ,
five years running.Copy !req
75. But don't get any ideas, sister.Copy !req
76. Wh...? Now, just
you wait one minute.Copy !req
77. Because what the hell
is a cheese toss?Copy !req
78. What?
seriously?Copy !req
79. Ugh! Verdammte Idioten!Copy !req
80. How do I get down from here?Copy !req
81. I mean, you just
unbuckle it and...Copy !req
82. - Wh...? Are you mad?
No.Copy !req
83. I will fall.Copy !req
84. You don't really
have a choice.Copy !req
85. Of course I do.
I will stay here.Copy !req
86. - M'kay.
- What? No.Copy !req
87. We cannot leave him here.
He is vitalCopy !req
88. to our fledgling
breadfruit industry.Copy !req
89. Which is... fledgling.Copy !req
90. So then that's probably bad...Copy !req
91. Aw, man.Copy !req
92. sch-sch-schlange!Copy !req
93. H-Hilfe.Copy !req
94. If it's not one frickin' thing
with you people, it's another.Copy !req
95. Do you have a plan?Copy !req
96. I do, actually.Copy !req
97. Okay, Lucy, here's the plan.Copy !req
98. Mitimotu is here,
but with the wheels stuck down,Copy !req
99. the closest airstrip
we can land onCopy !req
100. is on Motu Papa... here.Copy !req
101. Which is west-northwest,
a heading of 295 degrees.Copy !req
102. Let's call it
320 nautical miles.Copy !req
103. Airspeed 110, burn rate 50 per,Copy !req
104. call it 55 with the wheels down,
if we run it leanCopy !req
105. and if the fuel pump holds,Copy !req
106. 'cause if it doesn't,
none of this shit matters.Copy !req
107. Tailwind is five.Copy !req
108. Fuel-weight ratio, rho times
alpha, then lift-to-drag,Copy !req
109. where W is force in newtons,
which means...Copy !req
110. if we catch a few breaks
and the tailwind holds,Copy !req
111. our maximum range is...Copy !req
112. Goddamn it.Copy !req
113. Aah!Copy !req
114. Great. Now that's broken.Copy !req
115. That cannot be your plan.Copy !req
116. Well, if you'd hit the stupid
buckle when I told you to...Copy !req
117. That's his tongue
on my face, isn't it?Copy !req
118. Okay, Fritz, hang tight.Copy !req
119. - Ba-dum-bump.
- Bird.Copy !req
120. You can't shoot the snake.Copy !req
121. Why not?
They slither into our nests,Copy !req
122. they eat our eggs,
they eat our chicks.Copy !req
123. I meant she could hit Fuchs.Copy !req
124. I stand by my statement.Copy !req
125. Don't worry, Princess.
I'm not shootin' at the snake.Copy !req
126. Warte, was?Copy !req
127. Nein, nein, nein,
nein, nein, nein...Copy !req
128. Nein!Copy !req
129. - Ai-yai-yah.
- Oh, man.
- Santa mierda.Copy !req
130. - Is he...?
- I mean...Copy !req
131. Get me...Copy !req
132. the hell out of here!Copy !req
133. Bien sûr, mon amie,Copy !req
134. - avec plaisir.
- Don't you wantCopy !req
135. - to know why?
- Non. Just how much.Copy !req
136. Quelle chance.
The perfect amount.Copy !req
137. Après toi.Copy !req
138. But since you mentioned "why"...Copy !req
139. Oh, but "why" is such
a troublesome question,Copy !req
140. though, don't you agree?Copy !req
141. I mean, once you start
pulling threads,Copy !req
142. there's no telling
where it'll end.Copy !req
143. One minute you're wearing
a lovely cable-knit sweater,Copy !req
144. and the next there's a pile
of yarn on the floor,Copy !req
145. and you're standing there...Copy !req
146. Jesus "what is the 'H' for"
Christ.Copy !req
147. And you can keep
your stupid turnip...Copy !req
148. I'm not hungry.Copy !req
149. - Mes bonbons!
- Your what?Copy !req
150. Cochon stupide.Copy !req
151. Qu'est-ce que
tu as fait?Copy !req
152. C'était un cadeau
de ma mère.Copy !req
153. - You...
- De Paris.Copy !req
154. C'était de Paris.Copy !req
155. You said I could have one.Copy !req
156. Yes, one.Copy !req
157. One, you cow bitch.Copy !req
158. I didn't know
which one I wanted!Copy !req
159. - Out!
- What?Copy !req
160. Out, out, out, out, out!Copy !req
161. No.
It's some kind of ruse,Copy !req
162. you're gonna
shoot me in the back, or, or...Copy !req
163. It's not a ruse.
I paid your bail.Copy !req
164. Oh. Well then.Copy !req
165. Hmph.Copy !req
166. But, now, wait a minute,
Miss Thing...Copy !req
167. On n'a plus
besoin de navet.Copy !req
168. Hey, come on...Copy !req
169. Chin up, Archer...Copy !req
170. You-You've been
in tougher scrapes, huh?Copy !req
171. Remember the Andes?
Paso de Muerte?Copy !req
172. Come on, death was right there
in the name.Copy !req
173. All those dogfights over SpainCopy !req
174. against the Condor Legion,
remember?Copy !req
175. This guy knows
what I'm talking about.Copy !req
176. So if the Andes couldn't kill meCopy !req
177. and the Krauts
couldn't kill me—Copy !req
178. I mean, I know it's kinda
hard to grasp— but, uh...Copy !req
179. I might be immortal.Copy !req
180. I... am...Copy !req
181. immortal!Copy !req
182. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
183. I-I am dying.Copy !req
184. Shut up, you're not dying.Copy !req
185. You just got
a couple of busted ribs.Copy !req
186. And probably a punctured lung.Copy !req
187. - Was?
- Bird.Copy !req
188. What?
We were all thinking it.Copy !req
189. No one is thinking that.Copy !req
190. - He is.
- Ja, I am now.Copy !req
191. - See?Copy !req
192. - I feel likeCopy !req
193. if I have to remind you peopleCopy !req
194. how much you need
to shut the hell up,Copy !req
195. I'm gonna lose my temper.Copy !req
196. Well— and I think
I speak for the group—Copy !req
197. I feel like you already have.Copy !req
198. - Ja, und me, also.
- So do I, actually.Copy !req
199. Well, if you think I'm mad now,Copy !req
200. wait till I'm getting
shit out of a dragon.Copy !req
201. What?
Wait, what?
Huh? Was?Copy !req
202. Ahem.Copy !req
203. - Oka atua.
- Holy birdshit.
- Was?Copy !req
204. Was ist los?Copy !req
205. So, listen,Copy !req
206. I'm probably gonna head out.Copy !req
207. But then what would
I use for bait?Copy !req
208. Cheese?Copy !req
209. There we are—Copy !req
210. a nice cool glass
of pastis, to...Copy !req
211. whet the appetite.Copy !req
212. - For what?
- New experiences?Copy !req
213. - You realize
I can't pay for this.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
214. Or pay you back
for bailing me out.Copy !req
215. Which reminds me,
why'd you do that?Copy !req
216. Well, you said it yourself:
you're stranded here,Copy !req
217. abandoned by the husband
you cuckolded,Copy !req
218. thousands of miles
from New York,Copy !req
219. where you're a disgrace,
an outcast, a laughingstock...Copy !req
220. All right.
Jesus.Copy !req
221. You're a vagrant
without a franc to your name,Copy !req
222. so Reynaud can arrest you
again whenever he wants,Copy !req
223. and I doubt he'd lose
much sleep over it.Copy !req
224. Framboise...Copy !req
225. noix de coco...Copy !req
226. cerise...Copy !req
227. Noisette.Copy !req
228. And so, even if you had
a passport and a ticket out,Copy !req
229. if you're sitting in that rich,
chocolatey jail cell...Copy !req
230. I could be stuck here...Copy !req
231. forever!Copy !req
232. Exactly.Copy !req
233. So why not make the most of it?Copy !req
234. I mean, it's not likeCopy !req
235. you really have a choice, so...Copy !req
236. Plus,Copy !req
237. maybe you really are immortal.Copy !req
238. Tha-That'd explain a lot.Copy !req
239. You want me to be a whore?Copy !req
240. No, not a whore.Copy !req
241. Good heavens, no.
You'd be more like a...Copy !req
242. courtesan.Copy !req
243. Who men pay for sex.Copy !req
244. And sparkling conversation.Copy !req
245. - I...
- And not just men, necessarily.Copy !req
246. - What?
- And, actually, they'd pay meCopy !req
247. - and then I'd pay you...Copy !req
248. - a percentage.
- A percentage?Copy !req
249. Let's call it...Copy !req
250. 49 feet.Copy !req
251. Wingtip to wingtip.Copy !req
252. And I bet that's
50 feet wide, right?Copy !req
253. Yeah, I bet that's 50...Copy !req
254. Which means we've got six inches
to spare on both sides, Lucy,Copy !req
255. and, uh, you know I can
do a lot with six inches.Copy !req
256. Ba-dum-pshh!
Huh? Am I right, Luce?Copy !req
257. Lucy, am I right?Copy !req
258. Luce. Lucy.Copy !req
259. Lucille Goosille.Copy !req
260. Oh, okay, so, then,
I guess, just pout.Copy !req
261. But I would think
it goes without sayingCopy !req
262. that it's also
in your best interestCopy !req
263. if we don't crash and burn.Copy !req
264. Thank you.Copy !req
265. Jesus, was that so har...Copy !req
266. Oh...Copy !req
267. You fat bitch.Copy !req
268. Fette Schlampe.Copy !req
269. That better mean "Thank you."Copy !req
270. It does not.Copy !req
271. That's okay, you can thank meCopy !req
272. if we get out of this
with our skin on.Copy !req
273. Which...
What is taking you so long?Copy !req
274. Okay, hold your damn horses.Copy !req
275. - Here.
- Nein. I don't want this.Copy !req
276. Nobody wants any of this.Copy !req
277. But everybody
is gonna do their bit.Copy !req
278. Starting with you.
Get up in those treesCopy !req
279. and gimme some aerial recon.Copy !req
280. Yep. Yep, yep, yep.Copy !req
281. And if you leave us here,Copy !req
282. I will find you,
I will pluck you,Copy !req
283. I will slather your bumpy skin
with olive oil and rosemary,Copy !req
284. and then I will shove
a beer can up your asshole,Copy !req
285. and roast your ancient carcassCopy !req
286. until it is golden brown
and goddamn delicious.Copy !req
287. Yup.Copy !req
288. And how old are you, anyway?Copy !req
289. Like, 40?Copy !req
290. Eh.Copy !req
291. Man, I had something about...Copy !req
292. dead-stick... something?Copy !req
293. No, it's gone.Copy !req
294. Okay, Luce, it's now or never.Copy !req
295. - Never!
- Oh, all right, 60/40.Copy !req
296. That...
No, I will not be your whore.Copy !req
297. - Courtesan!
- Whatever. I won't do it.Copy !req
298. - Because you will be in my jail.
- What?Copy !req
299. Unless you can
show me 100 francsCopy !req
300. or proof of onward voyage.Copy !req
301. You know I don't have either.Copy !req
302. And I do not have my bonbons.Copy !req
303. And so, madame... aprez-vous.Copy !req
304. And what if I say no?Copy !req
305. - Aah!
- Sacre bleu!Copy !req
306. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
307. Son of a...Copy !req
308. bitch!Copy !req
309. Mon Dieu.
C'est le volcane!Copy !req
310. It's not the volcano, you idiot!Copy !req
311. I hate this stupid island!Copy !req
312. - Jesus Christ.
- Ow...Copy !req
313. So...Copy !req
314. hey.Copy !req
315. - What now?
- Sterling.
- Ooh!Copy !req
316. Shut up. Quick question:Copy !req
317. how wide is the, uh,
street out there?Copy !req
318. - 40 feet?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
319. Speaking of:
you're good with 40?Copy !req
320. Wha-What's that?Copy !req
321. Oh, good,Copy !req
322. - he's coming to.
- Hooray.Copy !req
323. Oh, shut up.Copy !req
324. And you— give him some air.Copy !req
325. Airspeed. Nose up.Copy !req
326. Flaps! Flaps!Copy !req
327. Holy shit, I...
I really am immortal.Copy !req
328. And also in serious trouble.Copy !req
329. Shut up. Where's Pam?
She's gonna love this.Copy !req
330. She...
There was nobody on the plane.Copy !req
331. So where is la princesse?Copy !req
332. Wait, no, no, no, they...
they bailed out.Copy !req
333. Jesus Christ,
how long was I out?Copy !req
334. - One hour?
- Flew by.Copy !req
335. Oh, my God, so they're
out there in the jungle.Copy !req
336. I-In the dark?Copy !req
337. - Mon Dieu.Copy !req
338. So? What happens on shithole
island when it gets dark?Copy !req
339. On three, I start blasting.Copy !req
340. One... two...Copy !req
341. Goddamn it.Copy !req
342. I am genuinely sorry.Copy !req
343. But I am absolutely
commandeering your vehicle,Copy !req
344. - so...
- No, I forbid you.
You are insane.Copy !req
345. Hmm. Your concerns are noted.Copy !req
346. Putain!Copy !req
347. Great.
- Sterling!Copy !req
348. Be careful.Copy !req
349. No.Copy !req
350. Okay.Copy !req
351. One, two...Copy !req
352. Everybody try not to take
a big greasy shit on me...Copy !req
353. You know what?Copy !req
354. Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
355. - What?Copy !req
356. What if they're like sharks?Copy !req
357. - They are.
- Yeah.
- Right?Copy !req
358. No, what if when you shoot one,Copy !req
359. the smell of its blood sends the
others into a feeding frenzy?Copy !req
360. - I'm gonna shoot the others.
- No. All the others.Copy !req
361. Like if they can smell
one drop of bloodCopy !req
362. - from miles and miles away...
- Mein Gott.Copy !req
363. There could be hundreds
of them out there.Copy !req
364. Thousands.
Who gives a shit?Copy !req
365. Was?
Me.Copy !req
366. - First of all, they're
not like sharks...
- Ehh...Copy !req
367. In that way.
And second of all,Copy !req
368. any one of these big
bastards could kill you.Copy !req
369. The rest of 'em are just gonnaCopy !req
370. be fightin'
over your dead-ass bones.Copy !req
371. - Well...
- I dunno.Copy !req
372. - I vote we take a vote.
- Yup. Yup, yup, yup.
- Second.Copy !req
373. I swear to God...Copy !req
374. Where are we going?Copy !req
375. Well, they bailed out
south of Tarako, so...Copy !req
376. Le volcan?
Attention!Copy !req
377. You must slow down.Copy !req
378. Oh, this piece of shit
can go slower?Copy !req
379. Of course, you...
Oh, le sarcasme.Copy !req
380. Cognate. Nice.Copy !req
381. Anyway, if nobody's hurtCopy !req
382. and Pam's got 'em headed
in the right direction,Copy !req
383. they should run
right into this trail.Copy !req
384. If the serpents
and lizards and cannibalsCopy !req
385. don't run into them first.Copy !req
386. Yeah, seems like a shitty placeCopy !req
387. for a breadfruit
plantation, huh?Copy !req
388. - Breadfruit? Here?
- Right?Copy !req
389. - That's what I...Copy !req
390. Oh, shit.Copy !req
391. Aah!Copy !req
392. - I'm out.
- We were supposed to vote.Copy !req
393. I voted no.
Reloading.Copy !req
394. Oh, man,
there's even more of 'em.Copy !req
395. - Come on, come on, come on.
- Gott im Himmel!Copy !req
396. Nothing is worth this!Copy !req
397. I don't care about the idol!Copy !req
398. - Do what?
- What idol?Copy !req
399. What? Wait? What?
No, he saidCopy !req
400. look out!Copy !req
401. - No!Copy !req
402. Loaded.Copy !req
403. - Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein.
- They're everywhere!Copy !req
404. What the hell's
in those bullets?Copy !req
405. - Reloading.
- Lizard pheromones?Copy !req
406. I don't think so.Copy !req
407. Loaded.Copy !req
408. What the hell
are you doing here?Copy !req
409. Get in.Copy !req
410. Oh, right.
Heavy barrel!Copy !req
411. Take that, lizard!Copy !req
412. And that!Copy !req
413. Get some! Get some!Copy !req
414. Okay, we're in. Go.Copy !req
415. Whoooooo!Copy !req
416. Et toi!
Et toi!Copy !req
417. Slow down.Copy !req
418. Oh, my God, all right.Copy !req
419. Whoa!Copy !req
420. Oh, just like old times.Copy !req
421. Oh, okay.Copy !req
422. Yeah, so, I guess
no thanks necessary.Copy !req
423. - Danke, danke...
- Thank you.Copy !req
424. - Well, I mean...
- Bird.Copy !req
425. But how did you find us?Copy !req
426. I dunno.
Just lucky, I guess.Copy !req
427. Grace à Dieu...Copy !req
428. And wait, where did you land?Copy !req
429. Oh, man, Pam.
Speaking of luck...Copy !req
430. So, you're all lined up,Copy !req
431. thinking, "I've got
50 feet to work with..."Copy !req
432. And I'm just 49, tip to tip...Copy !req
433. And of course
the fuel pump's out...Copy !req
434. Yeah, so I'm, you know...Copy !req
435. Dead-stickin' it.
Right?Copy !req
436. Yeah, so, but then
you slam a wingCopy !req
437. into that first tree down there,Copy !req
438. and then it just
sorta shitstorms on ya...Copy !req
439. Well, yeah, because...Copy !req
440. Because any asshole could tellCopy !req
441. that this street
is not 50 feet wide,Copy !req
442. and even if it was,Copy !req
443. that only gives you
six frickin' inches to spare.Copy !req
444. - Right?
- And I actually had something
for that, about, like...Copy !req
445. doing a lot with six inches,
or like, it was like...Copy !req
446. Like, what if you'd fixed
the goddamn fuel pumpCopy !req
447. so the crash never happened?Copy !req
448. Mmm... no, it was
more like a dick...Copy !req
449. Yeah.Copy !req
450. Heh. Funny stuff.Copy !req
451. Made in Georgia.Copy !req
452. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBHCopy !req
453. Wednesdays—Copy !req
454. - will they survive—Copy !req
455. Danger Island?Copy !req
456. Oh, I would
just murder that.Copy !req
457. Me too.
I meant sexually.Copy !req
458. I meant murderly.Copy !req
459. Archer Danger Island.Copy !req
460. All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.Copy !req